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Helcat

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 1,008 total)
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  • #434984
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Clara

    I hope you get lots of rest after all of your travelling.

    I thought you did a really good job writing down notes on how to help yourself with your anger.

    I think there is also one other element, at least there was for me. Learning to communicate during disagreements in a healthy way.

    Assertive communication styles can be helpful. There is a website, Skills You Need which I found really useful for learning positive communication techniques for difficult conversations. There is a lot of advice online for how to heal damaged relationships as well. I found reading about that helpful when my partner and I were having difficulties.

    What has helped us the most during disagreements is validating each other’s emotions. Not being dismissive of each other’s perspective. If giving constructive criticism giving positive feedback as well. Acknowledging when we are trying. Staying very calm is essential for positive communication.

    Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

    #434982
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Tommy

    I truly think that you are a good person. If you weren’t, you wouldn’t be trying to help people. It is unique trying to figure out a writing style that is suitable for such a sensitive space. It is different from the day to day communication that many are used to. To find a way that honestly reflects your personality, even harder still. You have received positive responses from Anonymous and Stephanie. As well as more regular communication with myself, Peter and Anita. You are far too hard on yourself. Don’t give up on trying to help because it is hard and a learning process. You have achieved so many amazing things in your life already. I know that you can do this too. 😊

    Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

    #434964
    Helcat
    Participant

    Thank you for the quotes Anita, that was a great idea! 😊

    I’m going to have to read your book recommendations as well Roberta! The quotes from them were inspirational. Excellent points you made too. Bless your soul taking such good care of your father.

    Love and best wishes for all! ❤️🙏

    #434957
    Helcat
    Participant

    He’s open to it. Do you have any contact information?

    #434954
    Helcat
    Participant

    I remembered a second book that she recommended as well. It is called Breaking Negative Thinking Patterns by Gitta Jacob.

     

    #434953
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Clara

    I hope that you have a safe trip!

    I do actually have a book recommendation, since you asked. This was recommended to me by my old psychologist. Fantastic woman. The book is called Reinventing Your Life by Jeffrey Young. It is not expensive online. I think that free copies might even be found if you look hard enough.

    You are a caring person and try your best. I know that you would not want to hurt anyone. It is a painful realisation that there are still things to work on. You can only manage what you are aware of. Now you are aware. You weren’t before.

    I don’t know if this will be helpful to you, everyone is different. Anger is often the result of unmet needs. I started a journal of all of the times I felt angry. Wrote down the situation,  immediate thoughts, and any circumstances like hunger, pain, lack of sleep, stress etc. I found often I was angry when I was tired and hungry. All of the factors I mentioned adversely affect emotional regulation which can make a person more reactive and irritable.

    Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

    #434952
    Helcat
    Participant

    I can confirm this. I am not Buddhist, my husband is. He is currently meditating. 😂 I did ask him if he wanted to do an interview. He said what is it for?

    #434943
    Helcat
    Participant

    Thank you for your kind words. No worries Carol, take care 😊

    Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

    #434937
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Clara

    Yes, you are spot on there. It is common for unhealthy behaviours to come out when people are arguing.

    It really is complicated and a lot to learn when you were not brought up in a healthy way. It is not your fault that it isn’t intuitive. Parents have to teach children healthy ways to communicate and manage emotions. You were simply not taught these things because your father did not know how to do them for himself.

    I was abused as a child and had to learn all of this too. It is hard work, but 100% worth it.

    I think that honestly reflecting and learning and growing is a pretty amazing achievement and that is 100% on you as a person. You should be proud of that. I have faith that you will continue to do this and you will reap so many benefits. As Anita said, you are a good person.

    Your fears were understandable, but they aren’t entirely logical. They forgot about the situation that you were in, which was sometimes people date someone when they are ready to move on, and they will not return to a partner. For all of your pain and fears, she was never planning on leaving you and going back to her partner. She was just processing the end of the relationship. So in the end, your fears were just fears.

    Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

    #434934
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Tommy

    My son managed to erase my first reply to you while we were eating toast. 😂 Take two! 🎬

    Thank you for your kind words and advice! There is a lot of truth there; I am a fan of the truth.

    We don’t have help from anyone. That is why he is shy. More shy than other babies. I have been away from him for a couple of hours maximum, when I go to acupuncture. That is all. He does visit friends and family, as well as go to his classes. It is good to hear that being around the same people is helpful. We have one neighbour who has offered to babysit, but it is difficult because both my husband and I were severely abused as children. It is hard to trust.

    That is a good idea to watch educational shows. We have only put on not so educational ones so far. We don’t do television very much anymore because of our son. I have a learning difficulty and my husband has neurodivergence in his family too. Research shows that screen use can make these things worse, so we have been limiting it.

    I used to be a language teacher, so he is doing well on that front. I read, talk and sing to him. He knows the words boob, yum, mom and dad. He is very food motivated. 😂

    I’m trying to teach him to play with others at the moment because it is his next milestone. We are practicing rolling a ball to each other and the game where is…?

    I couldn’t agree more about teaching morality and good decision making. We are also saving for him, for when he is older.

    I’m sorry to hear that your mother and sister passed away. You really have experienced so much loss. Your memories are very precious indeed.

    I enjoy your rambling. Have a good night!

    Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

    #434921
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Clara

    It is good to hear that you weren’t hurt and feel supported. I say the following with love and for your desire to work on yourself. I’m not trying to criticise, but illuminate issues that you may not be aware of.

    I would recommend reading online to learn more about verbal and emotional abuse. It is not just the basic things. Swearing, threats, gaslighting. There are a lot of different behaviours that are considered unhealthy. It is pretty complex. It would be helpful for you to learn about these things.

    It may take working with a therapist or a couples counsellor, to work through and figure out all of the more subtle issues in the relationship.

    Out of what you have just said. It is both unhealthy for your partner to refuse to talk about issues (for a prolonged period, it is perfectly healthy to delay the discussion for a short time to when it is more suitable) and also for you to ignore her feelings and to discuss them anyway.

    The thing about insecurity is, it is not something that your partner can make better long term, they can only provide short term reassurance which doesn’t resolve the problem. The insecurity persists inside you. For example, what triggered this whole situation between you two? Asking your partner if she still had feelings for you. Insecurity. Feelings of insecurity are very difficult for partners to deal with. It may not have been as intense or constant, but these feelings have persisted throughout the relationship to varying degrees.

    And of course, your feelings of insecurity are likely a trigger now for your partner because of the difficult first year. Every time you express insecurity, she may be reminded of those issues that occurred between you.

    Overreacting when your partner comes home late from work. Insecurity and unhealthy. Working late is pretty common.

    It is not a partner’s job to make you feel better about insecurity. It is your job to heal and learn to overcome these feelings.

    I went through a situation where my partner was in contact with two long past exes while we started dating. I was in contact with my recent ex when we started dating. Neither of us have problems with insecurity, so neither of us made a fuss about it. We just gave each other the time to work through things. This is the difference between insecurity vs no insecurity. It is not the situation that is bad.

    The intense emotions, the insecurity a problem to work on.

    Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

    #434915
    Helcat
    Participant

    *can be helpful

    #434914
    Helcat
    Participant

    I read that thinking about the positive changes to my identity I have experienced because of having a baby.

    I understand now, that relationships are to be prioritised above ego and emotions. I am more forgiving now. It has helped my husband and I to operate as a team and genuinely improved our communication. I understand that vulnerability is important for communication. I understand more about the difficulties parents face. I am able to problem solve and help my son. I think that I take good care of my son. I’m trying my best to be a good mother. I’ve enjoyed learning about child care and developmental stages. I would like to learn about child psychology. I have processed and overcome a lot of challenges in the past couple of years. I’ve proven to myself that I’m not like my bio mum. I didn’t magically become a psycho after giving birth. Who knew? 😂 I’m learning to be a bit sillier.

    #434913
    Helcat
    Participant

    Checking in with myself. How I am feeling?  stressed and utterly exhausted, disconnected from my body because of the amount of pain that I’m in. I’m trying to compartmentalise and focus on each individual task. It is really all I can do to prevent myself from getting carried away by anxiety. One day at a time, one proverbial foot in front of the other. Just keep swimming…

    It is hard being a parent because the responsibility never stops. It doesn’t feel real sometimes. It is easy to lose yourself in the day to day taking care of the child. It is difficult to manage things.

    He is a beautiful boy, determined, loving, kind and smart as a whip. He is also shy. It is something that I am trying to work on, bringing him out of his shell around strangers.

    It is hard to not have time for your own feelings and to actively hide how you are feeling. It is hard not being able to take a break. I cannot imagine how single parents manage, and with multiple children.

    Everything is about my son now. I am okay with that. My hopes and dreams being for him. Everything else pales in comparison. At the same time, it is hard going through all of these changes to myself. It does feel like I am fading away. I do need to set an example. I have to matter too. He’s going to look at how I treat myself as much as how I treat him.

    I legitimately thought I would be dead by now growing up. Instead, I have a husband and a son. Life is nuts.

    #434912
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Franco

    That sounds like a great message! I wish you the best of luck with sending it. It is reassuring that your profile received a like 😊

    Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 1,008 total)