Forum Replies Created

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 693 total)
  • Author
  • #422492

    Hi Anonymous03

    How are you doing?

    My apologies for the delay in replying. It’s been a unique couple of days for me. I wanted to be fully present to reply since you wrote such a thoughtful and detailed post.

    I don’t mind the length at all, you’ve laid things out very clearly, so it’s easy to read.

    I just wanted to start off by saying that you have an amazing level of awareness of both yourself and others. I think you’ll make a great therapist!

    You actually brought up some interesting points that made me reflect on my own behaviour during arguments. I’m not as self-aware of my own behaviour as you are. I started thinking though, that when behaviour changes during an argument, or just before it and I use certain cues that I only use during arguments. I imagine it could set people on edge, as opposed to having a more relaxed discussion which would encourage people to reflect that and be more relaxed themselves.

    I can understand the initial apprehension and the desire to prepare to discuss when your partner has hurt your feelings. My husband used to share that pattern of invalidation, deflection and blaming earlier in our relationship. He had difficulty apologising because it felt like losing the argument to him. I think he also felt blamed.

    It was difficult because it felt like a battle to be heard. I don’t know if you empathise with that feeling?

    Very well done on spotting the connection between alcohol and arguing!

    I’m going to have to finish my reply tomorrow because it is getting late. But those are some of my initial thoughts.

    How are you feeling about the argument now that you’ve had some time to process?

    Wishing you all of the best! 🙏



    Hi Stacy

    It sounds like the break up has shaken you and made you doubt yourself. You mentioned that you don’t feel like you can move past this unless you believe that your trust was broken.

    You’re not sure if asking your ex not to like sexy pictures was warranted. The closest experience I have had to that is earlier on when my partner and I were first dating he had lots of female friends (he still does). Anyway sometimes they used cute nicknames like honey and babe. I didn’t check his phone but he would pass his phone to me and show me funny videos and pictures and a text would occasionally pop up saying these things and it would make me uncomfortable. So he would show me the conversation when this happened to reassure me and it was otherwise normal. I still asked him to set some boundaries with his friends not to call him honey or babe while he was dating. He agreed with said that was fine. There have been no issues since because everyone is quite happy to respect that boundary which helps make me feel more comfortable.

    Everyone is different and has different things that bother them. Part of dating is accommodating each others needs and boundaries as long as they’re reasonable.

    I think it’s reasonable to feel uncomfortable when your partner likes sexy pictures on social media. It’s not something that makes me personally uncomfortable. But I do understand how it could make other people uncomfortable.

    Your partner used the excuse that he didn’t think he would be able to promise that and keep that promise.

    But I think what is important in a partner is not that they do everything perfectly. Just that they try and do their best.

    Anything sexual with his previous history of porn addiction that behaviour could have been a long term struggle for him to manage if he tried.

    I think a lot of people have long term struggles with specific issues. My husband is loud and raises his voice a lot when he’s excited, shocked, or upset. Because he this behaviour is present throughout his daily life it’s difficult for him to entirely eliminate during arguments. I have PTSD, so when he raises his voice during periods of conflict, it’s a trigger that upsets me. I shut down because I’m overwhelmed and he gets upset because he worries I’m trying to ignore him like previous partners have. He really does try his best to manage his behaviour, but he isn’t perfect. I try and manage my behaviour and recover as soon as possible, but I’m not perfect. No one is perfect and that’s okay. You can still be pretty amazing and not perfect at the same time.

    When two people have conflicting issues it’s impossible for one person to resolve. Both people need to try. I think you’re a reasonable person. You would have been happy if you felt like he was trying.

    For you, perhaps the long term issue was insecurity? Would you agree?

    I think lying about his trans friend from work is clearly breaking your trust too. He should have been honest about things that would have concerned you, but he wasn’t because he wanted to avoid talking about it.

    What’s ironic is by refusing to deal with these situations he caused a lot of problems in the relationship. Individually  these are fairly small things. He could have done his best to try to alter his behaviour with the pictures and been simply been honest about his coworker friend. He could have asked his friends not to smoke around you and introduced you. He could have easily picked up the phone and called you.

    I had a friend who was like your ex, in that he was uncomfortable with conflict and would say anything he thought the other person wanted to hear to get him out of it. Yet, he wanted to change nothing. This lead to me getting fed up with being lied to and ultimately, I ended the friendship.

    You have a wonderful gift Stacy, to be able to make the person that you’re talking to feel special. I think over time, he started to realize the impact the issues he was causing had on the relationship. It’s possible that he felt like he was disappointing you.

    You’re a very patient and empathetic person. Combined with your uncertainty about maintaining your boundaries. It sounds like you don’t tend to be the person who ends relationships. You would have tried to work things out.

    But sometimes, even if you love someone things don’t work out. I once had to leave someone I loved because they refused to talk at all about difficulties in the relationship. They just shut down entirely and ignored me for a month.

    I don’t think you meant nothing to your ex. I don’t think the good times that you had together were lies.

    There were multiple factors at play which lead to the relationship ending.

    Lifestyle –  his weed addiction would have been impossible for you to live with. I’ve had people live with me smoking weed before and I also have asthma. It honestly sucks even when they’re only doing it outside, the smoke is strong and clings to them when they come inside.

    His mental health – was clearly a large reason why he had difficulties with accommodating you in the relationship.

    Would you like to discuss difficulties you’ve had with other relationships ending?

    Wishing you all the best 🙏


    Hi Stacy

    I’m sorry to hear that you are having difficulties grieving over the loss of the relationship. I hope that in time things get easier and your sleep and appetite recover. I’m sorry that your mother is being impatient with your grieving process. She really should be more supportive and understanding. That’s all anyone really wants from their mother. It’s a shame that she’s not healthy enough to provide you with that.

    That psychological safety being important with softer foods and liquids makes a lot of sense to me. Where you still have these choking issues but you have that understanding that you won’t die from eating them.

    Fruit is generally rather acidic. That may be part of the reason you have difficulties with smoothies? Banana and melon are popular low acid fruits. Figs and dates are too. Bananas are a little risky for me if they’re not ripe enough, the starch content and pH changes as they ripen.

    I’m really sorry to hear that the cost of your medication skyrocketed like that. It’s really unfair. The medical debt situation sucks too. I’ve been there myself.

    I hope that you get that full time job in December. You truly deserve it!

    Back to your ex! It sounds like he also provided a sense of psychological safety to you. You mentioned that he provided emotional support and he said lots of nice things to you. It was also nice for you to imagine a future together. These things are all important to people. It’s nice to imagine a positive future when things are tough in the present. Everyone needs someone in their corner supporting them and being kind. These are things that it seems like you lack in your daily life. It makes sense to mourn the loss of that. In time, you will find these things elsewhere though.

    Despite not feeling like a capable woman. I believe that you are extremely capable and resilient. Lots of people would be broken by the things that you’ve experienced. You’ve had a difficult life and still do to this day!

    It’s not that you’re incapable, you literally have survived and are currently surviving extremely difficult circumstances. It makes sense to feel overwhelmed by everything that is going on, it is overwhelming. Yet, you have this drive inside of you that refuses to be snuffed out. You refuse to give up, like others around you have. You work your ass off every day!

    You deserve a lucky break so you can put your good plans into action! You honestly deserve all of the good things in the world!

    I think that the reason you had a boyfriend with qualities that you admired is because you also share similar qualities. You are intelligent, empathetic, thoughtful and articulate. Honestly, I think you have even better qualities than your ex does.

    You struggle with validating yourself. That’s understandable, when we lack environments that do that. It’s hard to develop those skills. But I think you are well on the way! You have that hunger and that drive inside of you. Meet kind people and in time, it will come.


    Hi Luna

    How are you doing, my friend?

    It’s very wise of you to recognise that we all experience the same lessons. I think the benefit of being able to recognise that is you can learn from the problems that others have.

    Thank you for your encouragement, I’ve always wanted to write a book! It would be cool to get around to it someday. I just don’t know exactly what I want to write about yet.

    wanted a tattoo for ages, but I change my mind a lot and wanted to be sure I would be comfortable with my decision long term. I think this is the way I navigate the world. Whether it’s tattoos, books, jobs or relationships.

    You mentioned that you had some concerns about relationships because of the models of relationships that you’ve seen. Do you want to talk about some of the concerning dynamics that you’ve seen in other relationships?

    My thoughts on difficulties in relationships are that every relationship has difficulties. But overall, being in a relationship should enhance your life, not detract from it. Also, I think an excellent quality of a potential partner is listening, caring and being willing to change when something upsets you.

    Having boundaries as individuals are very important for protecting ourselves in relationships. How do you think your boundaries are with others?

    Overall, I think I had a mix of relationships. Some fairly healthy. Some not so healthy. I had a difficult childhood, so I was attracted to unhealthy relationships for a while. But as I healed I started to search for healthier qualities in relationships.

    My first boyfriend had troubles of his own from previous trauma. We had a good time together. But it ended when he cheated on me. This seemed to be a pattern for him because he left his previous girlfriend to date me. I wasn’t aware at the time but found out pretty early on in the relationship. I wasn’t hurt by what happened, I was young and carefree.

    That is the story of my first relationship.

    Love and best wishes! 🙏


    Hi Stacy

    Wow, to hear that you have so many conditions from childhood. You’ve been through so much!

    Anxiety can definitely close your throat. Ever heard of that saying of a frog in your throat? It can make it hard to speak and be squeaky when you do. I’ve had that happen to me too. But I would say that it feels different from my other choking experiences. It compels me to clear my throat to make it better and doesn’t make me cough. It doesn’t stop me from breathing either.

    As soon as you were diagnosed with EOE they should have tested you for food allergies. For people with asthma it’s often related to food allergies, so you’re right on the money about it being an autoimmune condition. I would guess that if you have difficulty with managing your autoimmune condition it might cause a flare up of EOE too.

    EOE can also be triggered by GERD. So you did a really good job figuring out those acidic triggers. You really do have a lot going on with all of the conditions intertwined. I would imagine that it’s frustrating and difficult for you.

    I was thinking and your feeling of being safer with milkshakes made me think. Do you feel safer with liquids? And softer foods (I’m thinking mashed potatoes here). How is it you usually eat potatoes?

    If that is the case you could potentially eat other foods as long as they’re not a trigger? If they were prepared in the right way? For example, soups blended to have no lumps or anything that mashes smoothly. Perhaps a blender could be good here too? Are there any texture triggers that make you feel more afraid or less?

    One thing I was told to do was try and take a drink of water to clear the choking sensation. Is this something that helps you at all?

    Since you have GERD I also wonder if you might potentially experience laryngospasms too as they are related to GERD?

    I think you’ve done a great job taking care of yourself with these issues. You might not realise how well you’ve done. But you’re trying really hard to make your life easier.

    That’s incredibly distressing that you experience these issues daily. If my questions about health bother you, please ask me to stop. I really just wish that there was something that could make your life a little easier.

    Wishing you all the best! 🙏


    Hi Luna

    Thank you for your kind wishes! It’s very kind of you to offer to hear more about my relationships. As you picked up on (you’re very intuitive), I was trying to share things that might be relevant to you. There is a whole book I could write about relationships 😂 perhaps too much has happened in my life to say.

    That feeling of noviceness passes with experience. I can tell that you’re a very capable person. I’m sure that as you progress on your dating journey you will feel more confident! Beginners nerves are natural.

    You mentioned feeling like you’re struggling to find the keys. Do you have any specific concerns?

    I would agree, that there are some things that your friends and self-reflection can immediately help with. Some things you can only learn by doing. Reflection and friendship can help you to navigate these experiences retroactively though.

    Please feel free to share anything you would like to talk about! I’d be quite happy to have another friend and pen pal.

    Wishing you all the best! 🙏


    *researching about


    Hi Positivitea

    I’m glad to hear that the high levels of anxiety have reduced and you’re feeling less stressed.

    It sounds like you’re doing a good job preparing for the baby! It’s good that you have everything that you need and that researching and labour and parenting is making you feel less overwhelmed.

    I love the way you put it, how you’re processing everything with past versions of you being so different from who you are now and who you were lead to you being who you are now. I’m glad that you’re doing your best to give the younger versions of yourself empathy.

    That’s a beautiful and very mature perspective!

    It’s strange how we can be harsher towards ourselves than other people sometimes.

    I hope that the rest of your pregnancy progresses smoothly. I hope that your labour goes well and that your baby is born healthy!

    Wishing you and your family all the best! 🙏


    Hi Anonymous03

    I’m glad that you found my reply helpful. Please feel free to take all the time you need.

    I look forward to your reply once you’ve finished processing!

    Wishing you all the best! 🙏


    Hi Stacy

    I’m sorry to hear that you have EOE which has caused 3 severe strictures in your throat. It’s good that you received a diagnosis, but did anyone ever do allergy testing on you? Or put you on an elimination diet? Do you know what your triggers for the condition are?

    The thing is, that when there are issues with our bodies it can create feelings of intense anxiety. You suffer from asthma too. EOE has symptoms of chest pain similar to a heart attack. If this occurs it will naturally create intense amounts of anxiety. Feeling like you are choking on food will also create intense feelings of anxiety. If your asthma is acting up it will create feelings of anxiety too. You may also have to deal with vomiting which honestly sucks.

    I also have asthma and I’ve had difficulties with my throat too. Different to yours, my conditions are GERD and laryngospasms. Basically, any time I coughed my throat would close up. My asthma definitely contributed to this too. It would happen when I was walking outside and exposed to pollen, or when I ate certain foods. Even when my asthma was acting up on it’s own I found myself struggling to breathe easily.

    I experience severe anxiety when these symptoms are present too. It takes quite a lot of preventative measures to ease my symptoms. I need to keep my house clean and wear an allergy mask when going outside during pollen season and be careful to manage my diet to prevent these symptoms. I also had to stop taking NSAID medication, which was causing an allergic response for me.

    I think my point is that anxiety is a normal proportionate response to your health condition. Our bodies are very sensitive when it comes to difficulties with our airways because it to our animal brain it feels like we’re dying. What coping skills and strategies do you use to deal with these physical symptoms?

    I found that expecting the intense anxiety that occurs with the symptoms to be helpful. That way I could practice reassuring myself and managing the situation. When I didn’t know how to manage it, or didn’t understand what was going on it was terrifying.

    I think another thing is this condition has occurred throughout your life. The memories of the fear you experienced as a child because of the condition are intense. You potentially could have PTSD from it. You felt like you were dying from that incident with the cough drop.

    I was lucky that my symptoms only started as an adult. It took over a quarter of a century for you to receive a diagnosis. That is a lot of suffering you went through.

    Wishing you all the best! 🙏


    Hi Gaby

    I’m sorry to hear about the breakup.

    It sounds like the largest issue was with the baby mother.

    The thing is that getting shared custody can be expensive and difficult. And he was aware that the BM is unstable. Things can get really nasty with unstable partners when custody is involved. Often men are on the losing side of these things because of sexism in the legal system.

    At this point he’s already got access to his child. He just needs to keep her vaguely happy.

    The downside is that this was making you unhappy because of the issues this woman caused.

    It’s no easy thing being involved with a partner with an unstable BM.

    It’s a shame that things ended up this way, but it sounds like you did the right thing. It’s a lot of stress and it’s honestly fair to say, this isn’t for me.

    The grief and the anger make sense. During that period, you had someone abusive in your life. A lot of unfair things happened that aren’t usually tolerated. It’s going to take time to process the experience.

    Unfortunately, your partner wasn’t ready for the journey of the legal battle yet to come. At some point I’m sure he’ll get around to it. It’s just not an easy decision or one that others can make for him. When it happens it will be difficult and he will need to be ready for that.

    Wishing you all the best! 🙏


    Hi Danny

    I haven’t read the book, but I have worked on my core values. My core values are kindness, helping, personal development, honesty, hard work, health, family and pets.

    I think you’ve managed to highlight the issue you’re experiencing.

    Your inner critic. It sounds like you’ve created some really high expectations for yourself.

    Perfection 100% of the time.

    I do like your values, doing your best, doing the right thing and honesty.

    But life is complicated and people are not perfect.

    If you don’t get everything you want to done, perhaps you need a small break to recharge? That isn’t really a bad thing. Self-care can help you to be at your best and maximise what you’re able to do. If you’re tired and getting stressed no one is at their best. Self care is how we refill our cups.

    So you don’t like lying to customers. I think that’s fair! Are there reasons why you said that they would receive what they need in a week instead of two? Are there any other ways you can achieve what you want to achieve?

    Life is complicated and white lies are very common in society. I don’t think you meant any harm but if this is something that you would like to plan on changing, you could try to.

    I think when something happens that you’re not comfortable with you can reflect on it and try to figure out a better way. You did what you could in the moment. But having time to think perhaps you can find another solution that you could use with future issues?

    And if it’s just the nature of the job, there’s nothing you can do about it whilst working that job. You would have to accept that it is part of the job. It won’t always be your job, there will be other jobs in the future. You are not your job and you should give yourself some grace.

    Doing what is right is very subjective when it comes to your examples.

    Your customer will get what they need regardless and there’s nothing wrong with eating cake. Sometimes eating cake is good self-care.

    I think that your expectations for your values are idealistic but perhaps not realistic. If you were a monk, sure it would make sense. But you live in a complicated world, life is complicated. Perfection is unattainable.

    All you can really do is TRY your best and that is enough. You seem like a great person! Your inner critic needs to learn to see that.

    Working on self-care, self-compassion and self-acceptance could help you with that struggle with your inner critic. It sounds like you’re doing a great job as you are.

    Wishing you all the best! 🙏


    *find our way


    Hi Luna

    I think everyone is different. Some people are attracted to lots of people. Some people are attracted to very few people. Some people fall somewhere in the middle.

    You mentioned not feeling a spark with anyone in your social circle. Where do you think you fall on the spectrum above?

    Something to consider is what you would like in a partner?

    I would agree that your situation is normal.

    The feeling of noviceness that you mentioned. Do you mean that because of your inexperience with relationships you feel intimidated by it? Or just lacking understanding about it?

    Personally, I think it took me a few years to get to grips with dating. For me there was that question of what is love? I went around a few different relationships going is this love? Nope. Maybe this is love? Kinda but nope. Until I found a partner that was actually ready for a healthy relationship.

    It’s kind of a journey and when we’re young, we’re all just trying to find our why. I feel like a lot of people experience noviceness when they’re new to relationships but perhaps don’t worry about it and try to go with the flow. It sounds like you’re very self aware so you may just be a bit more introspective and tuned into your feelings than others. I know that I felt like a novice when I was starting out. I was also not attracted to very many people either. This may have been part of why it took years to get to grips with things. Whereas people who date more frequently may develop a perspective on these things more quickly.

    Dating honestly depends on what you’re comfortable with. Some people like to use dating apps. Some people like to go to places where they meet new people. Some people like to go to parties. Some people like to join hobby groups.

    Ultimately, the goal is to meet new people. Do any of these ideas resonate with you?

    Wishing you all the best! Good luck in your dating journey! 🙏


    Hi Anonymous03

    Personally, I don’t find you standing up for someone that your partner was making fun of to be a bad thing, even in front of family. I guess it depends on various factors. Culture, relationship with the individual being made fun of, how they were insulted etc. I’m not going to ask you to provide any more information because you are doing your best to be respectful of others. Thank you for being clear about that!

    I’m going to trust your judgment when you say that this incident hurt your partner and he was right to feel that way.

    It sounds like in arguments you’re much more in control of yourself than your partner and generally behave better.

    I’m sure that you know there are some problems with his behaviour during arguments as you’re training to be a therapist.

    To clarify what you said about leaving is not a threat, or was said in the same way as your partner. But I would imagine that he would still take it as a threat and a trigger. He sounds very sensitive during arguments. I’m not trying to blame you, as I said before you were triggered by his comments about your dreams first. Just pointing out that this could have inflamed things for him. I can understand why you mentioned it, since clearly he does a lot during arguments. Which is something that he needs to work on because it’s not right. Have you asked him not to say this during arguments?

    In general, I’ve experienced similar problems with my own husband during arguments. The arguing for ages. And occasionally he’s talked about leaving.

    I thought the perhaps the reason my husband has occasionally talked about leaving could be helpful to know. He experienced trauma with his father who would talk about leaving his family behind. During periods of depression, especially when we’re going through hard times this is a trigger. It helps me not to feel hurt when he mentions it because I know that’s just him struggling with things. I don’t know if you’ve talked to your partner about it before? He could have his own reasons why this phrase keeps reappearing during arguments.

    I’m really sorry he mentioned your father while he was drunk during an argument. That’s really awful. He may have done it because he was drunk. It lowers inhibitions and boundaries. There’s a good chance he may never bring this up during arguments when he’s sober. I would definitely shut down any arguments quickly when he’s been drinking because he could potentially bring it up again then.

    Can I ask how often you both argue? And how your relationship is outside of arguments?

    You mentioned feeling neglected because he would hang up on you mid call without saying goodbye to go hang out with other people? Am I reading this correctly? Did he change his behaviour when you discussed this? Is this something you discussed?

    It definitely seems like you’re carrying a lot of pain of past arguments with you. Which is difficult because it’s a general rule for “arguing” in a healthy way to not bring up the past.

    It seems like your bf feels very free to say what is bothering him freely, but it sounds like you hold back? And then those feelings linger and you’re still hurt remembering things from previous arguments.

    I think you should probably discuss that you hold a lot of hurt from past arguments in at some point. As you said, you don’t really want to argue right now. It doesn’t have to be now and you don’t want to put a lot of stress on yourselves with more arguments.

    You should probably try to discuss issues that occur close to the time. Like you did when he said that about your father. He was apologetic afterwards.

    Your partner did ask you to explain what happened for the argument to get so bad and what he could have done differently. Perhaps now things are calmer you can answer this question? It’s important to establish boundaries with arguments so that people know what is hurtful and they shouldn’t say.

    Do you find that you have difficulty with standing up for yourself during arguments?

    One thing exercise that I found helpful for managing arguments is taking 5 minutes to talk each. And the other person has to listen quietly. Then you get to switch. For us it calms things down and it’s more of an equal conversation as opposed to a ranting for an hour situation.

    Wishing you all the best! 🙏

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 693 total)