Hi Tinytealeaf

I think that you were very open with your friend and it sounds like he was not as open. He and his partner must have been planning to move for a while and he let you know very late on that it was happening. This is something that people would usually talk about way in advance. I mean, I might be moving country with my husband in a few years. My family is aware of this so they will not be shocked or hopefully as hurt by it.

It was very much a shock for you that your friend was moving to the point that you blamed yourself and the difficulties that had been happening between you.

Because I moved a lot and even left my biological family growing up. People always told me that they were worried that I would leave or abandon them in some way growing up.

But I haven’t done that. Moving will be a necessity when my husband’s mother gets ill. She will need people to take care of her.

It sounds like your friend never really attached to the idea of being in one place. He responded to his history of moving with acceptance and always being ready to move on. This is a wall that your friendship didn’t break through. He was quite happy to spend time with you while he was there. It sounds like he keeps a part of himself closed off from everyone.

You are now meeting this closed off part of him for the first time. A part of your friend that you didn’t really know about.

So yes, in a way you were taken for granted. Your temporary friendship was welcomed. But it was only viewed as temporary and a friendship that he could let go of when he moved on. Perhaps he is not able to see relationships as permanent? Whilst his husband is with him, he may even see that as temporary because people get divorced all of the time.

I don’t think that what happened is to do with you per se, but something that is going on with your friend internally. It is tough to be on the receiving end of that.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Hi Tinytealeaf

I’m glad to hear that you’re starting to feel better and more like yourself again, though not completely.

What you say about losing yourself when you feel less resilient and persistent resonates with me.

You have a lot on your plate and adulting is hard.  Sometimes it feels like as an adult you’re just expected to shove your feelings aside, pretend that everything is okay and get on with doing things that you don’t really want to do because you have to do them. Do you ever feel this way?

A happy tea leaf not waiting around for anyone or begging sounds pretty awesome!

It has been lovely talking and I hope that you continue to share whatever you like when you wish to!

I agree that society tries to pressure people into not having fun as adults. Aside from being a child the exception being raising children. When children are young it feels like you have permission and are suddenly allowed to have more fun again. I am trying to learn to do that. 😂

I came across my husband beatboxing for the baby the other day. It was adorable because he was always shy about doing it in front of adults.

I think society is wrong to put so much pressure on people. The goal is for everyone to be happy.

I hope that you find time for your own happiness!

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Hi Carol

It’s good to hear that you had a conversation with your friend about the issues between you and your got some closure.

You deserved to have your feelings heard. I hope that when you hang out next that things go a bit better for you and you feel less awkward.

One difficulty of trying to protect someone else’s feelings is that you can make your own life more difficult. It is a delicate balance trying to figure out the best way to handle things.

I wish you both luck in figuring things out! It has been a pleasure talking with you. 😊

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Hi Omyk

Thank you for your kindness. Congratulations on being a minister for 25 years! You are very open minded, your community is lucky to have you.

I see, well at least the rules are very clear so you don’t really need to worry about dating.

I can understand people worrying about you and wanting you to be happy. But you are right it is complicated as a minister and it is really deciding between the life you have lead as a spiritual leader and choosing a more traditional lifestyle.

This is a massive decision and one that will take a lot of time to consider. You don’t have to worry about it right now. It sounds like you are making the right decision for you now keeping things as they are.

It sounds like people in your personal life who have been making comments aren’t really focused on you. They are giving very default advice. Sometimes when bad things happen they don’t know what to say. Or they are suggesting what they might do. It isn’t really a reflection on you.

If you look at the situation from a different perspective and understand the content of their advice isn’t important. It is just the sentiment that they want you and your child to be happy and care is all that is important. As long as you and your child are content, they ultimately won’t care what you choose.

You are right, you do have a lot on your plate already. I wish you luck in parenting and navigating the difficulties with your job.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Hi Franco

Would you like to talk more about your insecurities then since you are feeling blocked by them? Sometimes it is helpful to let these feelings out.

I have a couple of questions for you.

This lady that you have a crush on. If she told you that she was inexperienced, how would respond?

And if a close friend confided in you that they liked someone but were shy to move forward because they were inexperienced and afraid of judgment and rejection. How would you respond?

It is nice that your friend complemented you by calling you stylish. It is not a bad thing to be called strange. People who are different are called such things. You learn to accept and celebrate that you are different.

It seems to me that you are very very hard on yourself Franco. It is hard to move forward while you are so hard on yourself. You need to treat yourself with the same compassion and care that you would treat others.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Hi Omyk

I’m sorry to hear that your wife died. It sounds like you both had a beautiful relationship.

You are doing what is right for you when you say that you don’t want a long term partner. I don’t think that your child will suffer at all from your choice. It was wrong of people to suggest that your wife was so easily replaceable.

You feel bad about dating short term because you know that your interest will dwindle at a certain point.

Perhaps you don’t have to feel bad about it? If you wanted you could be open and honest about your intentions about dating short term. People would be understanding because of your situation. Having a nice time, meeting a new person, there is nothing wrong with that if the mood strikes you.

This next part might depend upon culture.

You don’t want to have sex because that is your boundary. That is fine. There is nothing wrong if that boundary changed one day and you decided that you did want to. Morally sex is fine without marriage. Perhaps the idea of sleeping with someone other than your wife for the first time is troubling you and something that you are not ready for?

You have done the right thing distancing yourself from this nosy friend. It is none of his business and he doesn’t get a say in how you choose to live your life.

Does it matter if you look at the dating app occasionally? If you are in the mood checking out if there is anyone that seems interesting to hang out with is not a bad thing.

Of course if you don’t want to date short term that is fine too and your boundary, your choice. In that case uninstalling the dating app would be helpful.

I’m not trying to sway you in one way or the other. Just trying to let you know that whatever you choose is okay. All you have to do is what is right for you. But if you choose to do something as opposed to not do something, you don’t have to feel bad about it.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Hi Tealeaf

He was your best friend. The only difference between a best friend and a partner is sex and a greater level of intimacy. It is very easy to confuse the feelings of love that you have for a best friend with the feelings of love that you can have for a partner. There is nothing wrong with this happening. It has happened to me in the past. It is very human and understandable, especially with the difficulties in your relationship with your partner.

I don’t think that you have behaved inappropriately at all. What I would do, at some point not immediately is clear up the issue by explaining. You have been confused by your feelings. So it has been difficult to explain and because of him moving away you have not really had the chance to. An explanation would give him security in the friendship, and mean that he doesn’t have to worry about the issue anymore.

Explaining may not bring you closer though, simply because he has moved. All you can do is try and see how things work out. But it doesn’t mean that he didn’t care about you or value your relationship and the time you spent together. It is just hard for some people when they move away. They just give up and let go because they think that it protects them and it is what they are used to.

Have a bit of faith because he has already visited since. That is a positive thing.

Try to process your grief over the move and the changes to the relationship. It is okay to feel that way.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏