Hi Anita

I’m glad to hear that you often fall back asleep. I’m sorry that there are other days that doesn’t happen though and you feel really tired.

I thought it was a beautiful song! I like how tranquil it is. A very unique style.

You don’t have to not bring things up for my comfort. It is good to be uncomfortable and work through things sometimes. It just takes me time to process. I can understand though if you want to do that for your own comfort.

Thank you for your kindness Anita. Especially for saying that you think I’m good enough. It means a lot to me. You are a very special person.

The feelings come and go for me. On the whole it was good to have a week where we only had one minor disagreement. My nervous system recovered a little and I do feel a bit calmer. I do hope that things continue to improve.

Love and best wishes, always! ❤️🙏

Hi Anita

I just wanted to send you a quick message letting you know that I’m not upset and I really appreciate your support. I really did just start falling asleep writing a message to you.

I never figured out how to stop the editing problems after copy and pasting and I really don’t like seeing those errors. You might be able to tell me how to avoid that? So I didn’t want to lose what I had written so far and just posted it.

I had difficulty sleeping because I was worrying about being too hard on my husband and so I checked back here and I thought I would let you know that everything is okay. I do have to try and get back to sleep, so I will reply properly tomorrow.

Love and best wishes, always! ❤️🙏

Hi Anita

I’m glad to hear that you got some sleep, but it is a shame that it was not as much as you needed. Is there anything on your mind that you would like to talk about?

I thought your point about people communicating in a way that reflects worthiness and lovability being essential was very insightful.

I do agree. Some things try and discredit the impact of others on our happiness and suggest that we need to take responsibility for our own happiness. Whilst needing to take responsibility of our own self-care is a good idea and very healthy, it doesn’t change the fact that close relationships (romantic or not) impact happiness very strongly.

It is difficult because we are trying to work on things. I can’t try to work on things whilst grieving. I have to let go of fear of the future and anger of how things got to this point.

You are right though about trust in his love. It is going to take time for things to work out, one way or the other.

I think that love is a choice especially when things are hard. It has to be chosen over and over again.

Don’t worry. Now that the vet visits have calmed down I am back to the baby classes. We do visit friends and my sister. So I do talk to some adults.

We just got some bad news. One of our friends is in hospital. Our thoughts and prayers are with him and his family.

Thank you so much for your kindness and support. Your acrostic is very touching! I hope you don’t mind, I made one for you too.

Altruistic

Nurturing

Insightful

Thoughtful

Authentic

Love and best wishes, always! ❤️🙏

Hi Anita

Thank you always for your boundless compassion and understanding! I’m glad that you had a good time socialising. I’m sorry to hear about your continued sleep difficulties. I think that you really truly deserve peaceful rest. All you do is try your best to help others. I’m sorry that sleep isn’t working out for you. ❤️

You are right, a low stress environment is really important for me to manage my health. I did a lot of work before to build up my tolerance to stress and to remove unnecessary stress from my life. The baby dysregulated my nervous system, particularly to do with the hormones (cortisol levels get progressively higher throughout pregnancy) and partially due to stressful circumstances. I haven’t recovered from that yet. I’m not able to cope with stress at the moment. Because of the baby, I’m not really able to do much self-care either. Just busy looking after him really.

I do agree that blame is harmful. It is difficult because sometimes communicating problems and feedback is needed. Upon reflecting, I think that communicating these things with love is important.

I have been thinking and learning about things. I think why this has all hurt so much has been because I have struggled with self-love. My husband was the person who taught me to love myself. I know it is maladaptive, but I based this around his feelings for me.

It is a childish logic, but for someone who hadn’t  experienced much love in life because I always lacked it, I felt unworthy of it. I blamed myself as the cause instead of seeing that some people are unable. When he loved me, he saw me as worthy. I felt like I was good enough for the first time because he told me I was.

Having these relationship difficulties, feeling the loss of love. It makes me feel unworthy and unlovable. Logically, I know that this isn’t true. But logic doesn’t dictate emotions sometimes. It takes a while for them to catch up.

On top of the relationship difficulties, my whole life has changed as a result of having a baby. A coping method I used to reassure myself was proving my worthiness to myself. I worked hard and tried my best to help people etc. Now my life is mostly just helping my family.

For a long time, I suffered with disliking myself for the difficulties I experienced in life. I felt like I wasn’t good enough. I worked hard to change myself into someone that I could be proud of.

I am still that same person. I just can’t prove it to myself anymore. I think I need to work on loving and accepting myself as I am.

Love and best wishes, always! ❤️🙏

Hi Anita

That is a very uplifting message! Thank you for sharing it with me. ❤️ It’s very thoughtful. You are an angel. 😇

I think that for me, the first couple of months were not that bad. I was mostly very tired and had to be careful not to do too much because I would get abdominal cramps. Also, I was very lucky in that I didn’t get any morning sickness.

Pregnancy hormones have lots of natural painkillers and muscle relaxants. I had to come off my medication before I got pregnant due to some nasty side effects, so I had already adjusted somewhat to not being on the medication. It was very hard not being able to do acupuncture because of being pregnant. But the TCM doctor was able to give me some herbal medicine that is okay for pregnant people to help during the flare ups. I took as little as possible.

As the baby grew, that’s when things got worse. I had pelvic pain even before the baby, so the last trimester was agony. I could barely walk and the last month I couldn’t.

Thank you for your continued support and understanding!

My thoughts are that none of us choose how we feel. It sounds like my husband has been struggling with his own issues too. For a while, I blamed him for blaming me. That isn’t very helpful either.

There is something else that is important to know about him. He has a very good memory. Something that he struggles with is that he doesn’t forget arguments. I am lucky in that my memory is fairly poor. I remember fragments for a time then forget. And I vaguely remember an overarching theme for important stuff.

I think that must be hard for him.

I can honestly understand that. The world can be hostile at times and challenging. The idea of adopting has always been nice to me too. It sounds like you had a good understanding of what being pregnant would be like and made decisions that were right for you. ❤️

I am wondering how you are doing? Are you sleeping any better?

Love and best wishes, always! ❤️🙏