Forum Replies Created
February 4, 2023 at 3:42 pm #415023
I think you will find that your moderation team hasn’t been upholding the community guidelines and has failed to protect this community.February 4, 2023 at 3:40 pm #415022
*I was called a liarFebruary 4, 2023 at 3:29 pm #415009
By reporting comments containing Anita’s harsh language I’m protesting the abuse that has been directed towards myself and other members of the community.
For some who deeply values reading every message and replying to each community member, ignoring community members is a form of abuse.
This treatment was historically reserved for members who commited sexual abuse. I was stonewalled, publicly shamed and verbally abused simply for suggesting that anxiety levels were high. For peacefully protesting abuse, I was told that I called a liar and verbally abused in my personal thread.
Your moderation team actively permitted and ignored this abuse. I humbly request that you personally review the abuse I’ve received from this member. I hope that you decide to do more than your moderation team did.
I have the right to protest abuse.
I would love to resolve this situation. However, it seems like I’m the only one. It won’t disappear by pretending the situation doesn’t exist.February 3, 2023 at 10:22 am #414920
Thank you for explaining about your previous experiences of house trauma growing up. It definitely sounds like these worries are a trigger from an old wound.
Children can be very cruel. I’m sorry they did that to you. To a child big house = money.
But in reality it sounds like your family chose to invest in their business as opposed to their home. This is actually very smart because I’m sure they did it because they knew they would make a lot more money, more quickly if they invested in their business as opposed to an expensive large home which is a large expenditure and might not make as much money immediately.
I also think that whilst on one hand there’s trauma, on the other there are social and cultural concerns that you are very aware of.
That is why your plan with the gifts sounds like a good idea to me.
On the plus side, I’m sure that her parents are very aware of your financial capabilities, especially since your company just built their house. I’m sure that they will make her aware of the situation.
You never know, your parents may be considering building a house sooner than you think. Since you are dating they may be considering your future. Being married one day and raising children of your own. It might be worth having a discussion about it.February 3, 2023 at 7:00 am #414915
Might also be a good idea to call each other too.February 3, 2023 at 6:55 am #414914
Welcome! I’m sorry that you’re having difficulties communicating with your sister from a distance.
Is the goal to discuss your feelings or to encourage her to text more frequently or both?
If you want to put aside your feelings some encouragement might work.
I really enjoy hearing from you, reading your messages brings a smile to my face. Even though we live further away it makes me feel like we’re closer.
Obviously, you don’t have to send something exactly like this. It’s just a rough draft of what a very positive message looks like.
If you want to discuss feelings, it could put more pressure on her. But you would put it out there that perhaps the way you are being treat isn’t fair and that you would like to be closer.
I really enjoy talking to you, I miss my sister. I wish we could talk more. I know you’re really busy. But if you feel there is anything else holding you back, I’d like to hear how you feel.
Then there is a more direct approach.
I enjoy reading your messages, I wish we had a closer relationship. I feel like it’s been hard to maintain communication while living further away. I miss you a lot. It hurts not to be closer to you. I would like to focus on building a closer relationship if that is something you would like?
If you want things to change you’re probably going to have to change your response time too. Your long response time confirms that her behaviour is okay. So if you would like things to pick up, being the bigger person would be a good idea.
It’s going to be hard to directly confront her about delays in texting because you also do the same thing. The response could very well be that you do it too, so she thought it was okay.
I’d love to hear your thoughts. Would you prefer something even more direct?February 3, 2023 at 2:58 am #414908
Right now you are blaming yourself. Well I should have made our relationship official. I should have posted photos. I’m afraid she will leave because I’m not good enough. Telling yourself that you made mistakes and this anxiety is the result.
You will come to learn in time that none of it is true. It’s all simply an old habit. Something that you’ve done over and over for year’s because you had bad experiences as a child.February 3, 2023 at 2:47 am #414907
It’s complicated. On the one hand our minds are trying their best to help us. On the other hand sometimes what comes as human instinct and might be helpful when having immediate danger doesn’t necessarily help us in the long term.
For example, when experiencing trauma as children. We can’t always fight back. Avoidance is basically the only strategy we have.
But as an adult we can carry that avoidance with us. Avoiding memories of past trauma. But we are adults now, we are better able to defend ourselves compared to a child. And we are not necessarily exposed to trauma as frequently as adults. Despite this, avoidance can be a habit that persists creating anxiety and limiting our choices and experiences in life.
The nature of anxiety and avoidance confirms that you when you do avoid you were correct to be afraid and every time you are exposed to the same situation in the future, it wants to avoid again and so anxiety builds. It simply becomes a habit that anything that feels threatening should be avoided.
There’s also another element. Children have a habit of blaming themselves. They’re basically sponges absorbing everything from the world around them. Even the smartest child doesn’t necessarily understand the world around them.
So a child who experiences trauma and is blamed by other people simply accepts that. If other people say this is my fault, it must be true. Even when it is the people hurting us that are the ones telling us these things.
Children who blame themselves become adults that blame themselves. It’s a habit. But the truth is trauma is not your fault. You are not to blame for other people treating you poorly in the past. You deserved a happy and peaceful life and still do. You deserve to be an adult who doesn’t blame yourself and doesn’t have to carry that pain.February 2, 2023 at 11:12 pm #414902
It’s good to hear that you are trying to calm yourself!
I’m sorry that it can be frustrating. Developing self-soothing / anxiety reducing skills can take some time. So I encourage you to be patient with yourself and keep trying.
Yup, inner fear. If you think about it, your partner must be around boys in class at University and she is quite able to handle those situations.
I’d love to hear about any other things that you come up with that you find helpful for calming yourself. Calming music is a great idea.February 2, 2023 at 11:02 pm #414901
I also read something online a few weeks ago that I found helpful.
The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.
Read it. Then read it backwards once again your mind.
This is how we control our thoughts. How we guide them into where we want our attention to settle.
I thought, well if I can do it with reading which for me is thinking about the words I see. I can think about words I choose any time I want to.
So when anxious thoughts start popping up to myself. I think something silly and offbeat to myself. ELEPHANT. ELEPHANT. ELEPHANT.
The repetition reminded me of a System of a Down song where they sing “BANANA, BANANA, TERRICOTA, TERRICOTA PIE”. I use this one as well.
But yes. The point is, it’s the ability to distract yourself from the anxious thoughts. This might involve choosing to do an activity. Watching TV or exercise for example. I also find that if I’m busier, I have less time alone with my anxious thoughts because my mind is focused on tasks or activities.February 2, 2023 at 10:14 pm #414896
There’s no need to apologise. This is your journal and you are free to express anxiety.
I’m sorry you’re struggling. I have some grounding techniques to share that can be soothing when anxiety is high. Please feel free to research your own online. There are many techniques and you may find something more suitable for you.
I’m also going to share that this is recurring anxiety due to the theme of being afraid she will leave you as you have anxiety about not feeling good enough. It isn’t really linked to occasions, this is a constant fear for you. But occasions such as this do bring it to your attention. This may be a coping strategy to reduce your anxiety at other times. What I’m trying to suggest is that it isn’t really about what is happening. If that makes sense?
Anyway, the aforementioned grounding techniques.
Describing senses in detail. Aim for 5 things for each sense. But don’t worry about smell and taste as much. The more detail the better. Imagine that you are describing these sensations to an alien new to this world. They don’t really know what it is you are describing, so they need a really detailed description.
Imagery is another good exercise. Imagine a place that feels really safe to you. This could be anywhere real or not. Anything is possible, it is your imagination. Anything or anyone you need at all is there.
I like to imagine being down at the beach with my dogs because it is my favourite place and being with them makes me feel safe. I also like to see them happy and they are happy when they run.
When you have some ideas, begin to describe it to yourself in detail how it would feel to be there. Any sensations, like the grounding exercise above.
For example, the sun is shining. The sand is damp and my feet sink slightly into it as I walk. The sound of the waves is soothing, with the rhythmic gentle crash like someone softly shushing. Shhhh! The dogs are running and jumping in the sea. When they run back to me they shake and flick droplets of water onto me giving me a shock even though they do this every time and I do my best to dodge out of the way.
If you feel up to it try taking a look at your list of what makes you a good boyfriend. If not, that’s fine too.
Please let me know if you find any parts helpful or unhelpful. It may give some insight into what helps your anxiety.
Wishing you all the best 🙏February 2, 2023 at 8:26 am #414870
This reply has been reported for inappropriate content.
I’m sorry for disturbing you and I’m sorry that you feel hurt.
You have been making multiple comments that suggested that you were upset about comments being reported.
I just don’t believe in ignoring people. We frequent the same forum. I wanted to give you the opportunity to speak about it.
I’m going to point out that I haven’t even attempted to communicate with you until you started to make these comments about your feelings being hurt about reported comments.
You asked that I report your comments instead of discussing issues and said that was what you preferred. People are allowed to disagree with language used. Most of the time your language is fine. Other times I find it can be harsh and I am concerned for other members of the community.
I’m going to point out that I report other users comments when they use harsh language too. It is up to moderators to decide how they wish to handle any reported comments.
Again, I’d like to acknowledge that you have made generally made great improvements in how you communicate with members.
If you would like to discuss this further please feel free to reply or create your own topic.February 2, 2023 at 4:25 am #414861
Thank you for clarifying that you are Chinese and living in South East Asia. Your English is excellent which is where my misunderstanding came from.
I trust your judgement!February 2, 2023 at 3:41 am #414859
Don’t forget to add these things to your list of what makes you a good boyfriend!February 2, 2023 at 3:38 am #414858
Please correct me if I’m wrong. My understanding is that you are potentially Chinese American?
I’ve done a little bit of research into dating from the Chinese perspective and there seem to be some cultural differences in dating compared to say Western Europeans.
What I learned suggested that perhaps your families might be thinking of marriage much sooner and there is some expectation to show that you can provide.
This seems in keeping with the thoughts you shared. Would you say that is accurate? I’m sorry if I have misunderstood anything. I’m trying to understand any cultural differences.
I think given what I’ve learned and what you’ve shared your decision seems reasonable and like a a very good idea given this context.
I’m actually glad that you make decisions on your own and don’t feel the need to take advice just because it is offered. I can definitely be wrong. You can be proud that you can decide on these things for yourself.
Thank you for explaining your situation about how the not posting of your relationship came about. I agree with you, it sounds like the right time to share it.
On the off chance someone posts anything negative you can always delete their comments. I hope that no one does that. This is another good situation to watch play out and consider. Do my fears come true, or don’t they?
Wishing you all the best! 🙏