Hi Omyk

Thank you for your kindness. Congratulations on being a minister for 25 years! You are very open minded, your community is lucky to have you.

I see, well at least the rules are very clear so you don’t really need to worry about dating.

I can understand people worrying about you and wanting you to be happy. But you are right it is complicated as a minister and it is really deciding between the life you have lead as a spiritual leader and choosing a more traditional lifestyle.

This is a massive decision and one that will take a lot of time to consider. You don’t have to worry about it right now. It sounds like you are making the right decision for you now keeping things as they are.

It sounds like people in your personal life who have been making comments aren’t really focused on you. They are giving very default advice. Sometimes when bad things happen they don’t know what to say. Or they are suggesting what they might do. It isn’t really a reflection on you.

If you look at the situation from a different perspective and understand the content of their advice isn’t important. It is just the sentiment that they want you and your child to be happy and care is all that is important. As long as you and your child are content, they ultimately won’t care what you choose.

You are right, you do have a lot on your plate already. I wish you luck in parenting and navigating the difficulties with your job.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Hi Franco

Would you like to talk more about your insecurities then since you are feeling blocked by them? Sometimes it is helpful to let these feelings out.

I have a couple of questions for you.

This lady that you have a crush on. If she told you that she was inexperienced, how would respond?

And if a close friend confided in you that they liked someone but were shy to move forward because they were inexperienced and afraid of judgment and rejection. How would you respond?

It is nice that your friend complemented you by calling you stylish. It is not a bad thing to be called strange. People who are different are called such things. You learn to accept and celebrate that you are different.

It seems to me that you are very very hard on yourself Franco. It is hard to move forward while you are so hard on yourself. You need to treat yourself with the same compassion and care that you would treat others.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Hi Omyk

I’m sorry to hear that your wife died. It sounds like you both had a beautiful relationship.

You are doing what is right for you when you say that you don’t want a long term partner. I don’t think that your child will suffer at all from your choice. It was wrong of people to suggest that your wife was so easily replaceable.

You feel bad about dating short term because you know that your interest will dwindle at a certain point.

Perhaps you don’t have to feel bad about it? If you wanted you could be open and honest about your intentions about dating short term. People would be understanding because of your situation. Having a nice time, meeting a new person, there is nothing wrong with that if the mood strikes you.

This next part might depend upon culture.

You don’t want to have sex because that is your boundary. That is fine. There is nothing wrong if that boundary changed one day and you decided that you did want to. Morally sex is fine without marriage. Perhaps the idea of sleeping with someone other than your wife for the first time is troubling you and something that you are not ready for?

You have done the right thing distancing yourself from this nosy friend. It is none of his business and he doesn’t get a say in how you choose to live your life.

Does it matter if you look at the dating app occasionally? If you are in the mood checking out if there is anyone that seems interesting to hang out with is not a bad thing.

Of course if you don’t want to date short term that is fine too and your boundary, your choice. In that case uninstalling the dating app would be helpful.

I’m not trying to sway you in one way or the other. Just trying to let you know that whatever you choose is okay. All you have to do is what is right for you. But if you choose to do something as opposed to not do something, you don’t have to feel bad about it.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Hi Tealeaf

He was your best friend. The only difference between a best friend and a partner is sex and a greater level of intimacy. It is very easy to confuse the feelings of love that you have for a best friend with the feelings of love that you can have for a partner. There is nothing wrong with this happening. It has happened to me in the past. It is very human and understandable, especially with the difficulties in your relationship with your partner.

I don’t think that you have behaved inappropriately at all. What I would do, at some point not immediately is clear up the issue by explaining. You have been confused by your feelings. So it has been difficult to explain and because of him moving away you have not really had the chance to. An explanation would give him security in the friendship, and mean that he doesn’t have to worry about the issue anymore.

Explaining may not bring you closer though, simply because he has moved. All you can do is try and see how things work out. But it doesn’t mean that he didn’t care about you or value your relationship and the time you spent together. It is just hard for some people when they move away. They just give up and let go because they think that it protects them and it is what they are used to.

Have a bit of faith because he has already visited since. That is a positive thing.

Try to process your grief over the move and the changes to the relationship. It is okay to feel that way.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Hi Clara

Yes, when we have difficult childhoods we are not taught self-love, we are taught self-hatred. If a parent tells a child that they are bad. Well it must be true says the child my parent said so!

I’m glad that practicing self-love and caring for your inner child has been helpful. Keep learning more and more about self-love. It will heal you.

Yes, practicing managing difficult conversations during the meeting could be helpful. 30 minutes, 5 minutes talking each in turn with the other partner listening.

If she breaks up with you she will have to move out of your house. She could go and stay in a hotel if that happens. Or with a friend or family member.

Remember that you have not had many positive interactions recently. Before you moved out things were very difficult between you. Positive interactions are needed. Many positive interactions. At least 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction is recommended for a healthy relationship.

If things go well in the meeting, she may consider trying. But seeing a therapist so you have an outlet to discuss difficulties that arise, so you are not tempted to immediately discuss them with your partner might be a good idea. The key to healing the relationship will be focusing on nurturing positive interactions and limiting negative ones. So you can both be happy. Discussing problems should happen over time piece by piece in a way that limits how much stress you are both under.

It is tempting to worry about breaking up, but the truth is that you will be fine no matter what happens. Whether you stay with your partner or face the unknown of being single and in time dating again. It will turn out for the best regardless of what happens. If things are not meant to be it would not happen. So wait and see what is going to happen next, what does fate hold in the cards for you?

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Hi Famo

I think you’re being a little hard on yourself and blaming yourself for the situation. You are not the cause of his depression. Being anxious is one thing, but it doesn’t sound like you are asking for much. It does make sense to work on your anxiety for your own benefit. Thinking negatively takes a toll.

If he doesn’t want to compromise it means that you have to decide if this relationship is right for you.

It is not about being considerate of his depression. He is not being considerate of your anxiety. It is about two people doing what is right for themselves because ultimately, it is you who needs to manage your needs and him that needs to manage his needs.

I don’t consider not enjoying someone’s jokes a problem. People are different. I don’t always laugh at my husband’s jokes. Only the ones that I find funny. I am not as easy going as he is. But it is not a rejection of him. We are just two different people. He is confident and doesn’t mind if I don’t laugh at all of his jokes. He laughs at his own jokes. His jokes are for him. Like sometimes when I tell a joke that I find funny and he boos it while I laugh at my own joke. This is totally normal behaviour. Humour is like beauty, in the eye of the beholder.

I’m going to reiterate that not everyone limits contact with people when they are depressed. He is making some decisions to behave in ways that negatively impact the relationship and refusing to compromise.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Hi Tealeaf

I think you are right, you do deserve to have someone who is there for you. Everyone does. As it stands you are there for your partner, but he isn’t really there for you. It is nice that he cooks for you. But it sounds like you believe he could do more than he does if his mental health was better. It is a shame that he refuses therapy. He is choosing to not address the issue and it causes you further stress. Your life could be easier with him, if he didn’t refuse at every turn.

You do deserve to be happy and have friendships. You deserve to be as happy as you possibly can be in all areas of your life.

I don’t think that you messed up. I think that your friend was going to leave and be distant regardless of what happened. It is the way that some people handle moving away from their friends. You should stop blaming yourself for the difficulties. It hurts to be distant from your friend because of the move but it is not your fault.

Realistically, I don’t think that you intended anything to happen with your friend despite the feelings that developed. He is gay and married therefore safe to fantasise about. Feeling the difficulties in your relationship, you wanted what your friend offers you in a partner. You would not betray your partner by attaching to a straight man which might lead to more. But you could dream with your friend of something more fulfilling. It is a shame that he took this the wrong way. You would think that he knew you better.

Perhaps the reason you haven’t gone forward with therapy is also thought that it may lead to leaving your partner?

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏