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Helcat

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 893 total)
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  • in reply to: Chronic Pain #433791
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Tommy

    Haha thanks so much, didn’t realise that was the name. 😂 I will see if I can find it.

    Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    Congratulation on your first message sent from your phone and your first emoji! Great work figuring it all out. 😊

    Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Seaturtle

    I think it is apt because sea turtles are peaceful, gentle souls, they live to a long age which represents wisdom. They are adventurous and free spirited. You share all of these qualities. 😊

    Congratulations on being close to finding a therapist! That is a big step.

    It sounds like a good book. That’s a really great mantra! I’m glad that it is helping you manage your thoughts. Well done! 👏

    You are right, it is definitely being the first one in the family to try and change things and find a better way. People can be so resistant to change. That would be a wonderful support group.

    My husband likes to say. A broken watch is right twice a day, but you don’t tell time by it. Fragments of truth can be found when someone is unhealthy. But it doesn’t mean that you’re a bad person.

    I think the secret is that no one is perfect. We all make mistakes, but that doesn’t mean we have to define ourselves by it or that it makes us any less special. All we can do is our best to learn and grow out of our mistakes and offer ourselves forgiveness.

    I’m glad you like my rambling!

    You might not feel it and see it as much yet. But since you first message you’ve grown a lot. You’re still the same awesome person, but you are trusting your intuition more and finding your voice. It’s lovely to see. Long may it continue!

    Ah well Buddhism has a great deal to say about attachment. I would recommend looking into that side of it as well. I’m sure you’ll have lots of fun.

    I remember a story about a monk that raised a baby goat and they had to give it up. An exercise in attachment.

    It is honestly very hard to maintain a warm demeanour in difficult situations especially with people that aren’t necessarily trusted. Very hard indeed. I actually have similar difficulties. For me, it’s the feeling of vulnerability that I don’t like. I feel very soft and squishy during disagreements, easily hurt. I used to think that the only way to protect myself was to emotionally distance myself from the situation.

    With people I trust, I am trying to be less distant when there are disagreements. Practicing validating their emotions and acknowledging positive things when giving feedback.

    I read something that basically said that if you approach a relationship with negativity it will not heal. Whereas if you approach a relationship with positivity, the person will be inspired by your character and respond in kind. Not entirely true. But that is what ancient Chinese philosophy is like. 😂

    Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

    in reply to: Working on stuff #433764
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Tommy

    Thank you 😊 It is definitely a happy thing to have a son. Unexpected and fraught with challenges, but happy nonetheless. You are right about all of the changes that parenting brings.

    I think that you said it all with your stories of holding your daughter when you fell and that you moved states for her even when it made your own situation more difficult. As a parent you do things for your children to protect them and it feels like they are more important than ourselves. And they are lemmings, happy to get into everything and anything with no regard for their own safety!

    I know I thought well I don’t matter anymore, as long as he is happy that is the most important thing.

    I hope that in the long run he may help me to improve my health. I plateaued, because it meant enduring a higher level of pain. He is a very good reason to endure pain.

    I’m sorry to hear that you have had chronic back pain since your 40s and a painful injury in your hand. That fall you described was intense. I’m glad that you’ve found ways to manage your pain over the years.

    Children are brutal when it comes to bad posture.

    Congratulations on your retirement! Do you have any plans for it? It is lucky that your wife is a gardener and grows vegetables. There is nothing better than home grown! You cannot find that kind of quality in a store.

    That is very kind of you to say! You are an inspiration to me too! 😊 It’s wonderful to have a male perspective around here. I’m sure that I will learn a lot from you. It will make my husband happy for me to learn more about the male perspective.

    I don’t mind hard stuff. I think that I have been through a lot in my life so my scale of what is hard is a bit wonky. 😂

    It can be hard sometimes when people don’t want to discuss problems?

    I think having a child has helped my husband and I to become more of a team. We are both headstrong and stubborn so our personalities would clash. But we know that we can’t raise a child like that. It has softened us or at least made us a bit more patient. Perhaps both?

    If you ever want to talk about anything at all, my door is open. I really enjoy our conversations. You may have been selling yourself short and not giving yourself enough credit earlier. It’s lovely to see this side of you. You made me smile today, so thank you for that! 😊

    Love and best wishes to you and your family! ❤️🙏

    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Tommy

    I’m going to reply to you on my own thread Working on stuff. I agree. Wouldn’t want to take over Birdsong’s thread with our chatter. If you remember the name of that blue stuff please feel free to post it on the chronic pain thread. It is always good to try new things!

    Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

    in reply to: Working on stuff #433741
    Helcat
    Participant

    I read about an exercise that is helpful for people with anxiety. Every day the idea is to pick something that happened that made them feel anxious. The idea is to practice reframing the experience into a positive or a neutral one.

    It sounds like a great idea to me.

    I’ll go for the difficulties with bottle feeding. On the plus side, my son feels comfortable expressing himself around me and he knows what he wants. And whilst he is still getting used to things at least he is eating something. There is a false focus to get to the end goal. As if it is the outcome that is the important part. But the important part is every day. Just consistently doing the best you can.

    in reply to: Chronic Pain #433740
    Helcat
    Participant

    I learned something interesting yesterday.

    But first more aids.

    Figuring out a method of carrying things. Honestly, having a pram has been the best thing for me. I don’t know why they’re not used all of the time. Before I used a backpack because weight was distributed evenly. But there are other carriers with two wheels that people use.

    Massage oils and massage rollers/guns can be beneficial.

    Progressive muscle relaxation is an excellent method.

    Yoga and Qi Gong are excellent because they both focus in relaxation as well as exercise.

    Low impact exercise is great for people with health issues. Walking and cycling.

    Seeing a physiotherapist can be beneficial for working out muscle imbalances.

    Pelvic floor exercises are helpful for low back pain.

    Breathing exercises are an underutilised resource.

    Okay, now the interesting thing.

    Lactate can build and cause panic attacks. This occurs during at least 3 situations. Exercise, hyperventilation and breathing issues. Fascinating stuff. So the idea is that if you are feeling particularly anxious, ideally to focus on relaxing before doing exercise. Anxiety on top of exercise can be too much and increase anxiety sometimes.

    Fascinating stuff! I didn’t know this.

     

    in reply to: Help with approaching Asian parents regarding girlfriend #433739
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Birdsong

    To be fair, towards the end of life everyone needs a carer. The only difference is that her end is very much likely to come sooner than yours and that this experience is starting for you sooner rather than later in the relationship.

    It is a difficult and scary thing. Honestly, I do not feel like there is anything nefarious going on with your partner. Just lots of very human things. Just like you are going through very human things. I believe that she is correct when she picked up on you deciding whether you can do this. But that is your right. It is also her right to be afraid of being abandoned. I don’t think that there is anything that could make anyone take on something of this magnitude if they didn’t want to. I think that you’re both in a bit of denial about the difficulties involved. I don’t think that she’s being dishonest. Denial just means that she finds the subject too painful to consider. No wonder she has difficulty discussing it!

    There are many potential possibilities.

    Marriage, her condition doesn’t deteriorate too much. You manage to have children. (Very Unlikely)

    Marriage, her condition deteriorates and you have children.

    Marriage, her condition deteriorates and you fail to have children.

    Marriage and attempting to have children ends her life prematurely.

    Marriage and no children. Her condition deteriorates anyway.

    Marriage, no children and her condition doesn’t deteriorate too much until later on.

    No marriage.

    No one truly knows what the future has in store. Marriage with no children is the highest likelihood of success purely for health reasons. These things take a toll. Only you can decide what you want.

    I’m sorry to be serious about the difficulties involved with children. It really is adulting on extra hard mode. I was wholly unprepared because I had babysat and assumed it was a similar thing. It is not. It’s much easier when you can hand them back. They require 24/7 care even though the night.

    Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

    in reply to: Help with approaching Asian parents regarding girlfriend #433737
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Tommy

    That sounds like an amazing meditation bonanza . To be less self centred is good advice I think for anyone. Well I think you did a great job providing a lot of excellent insight. 😊

    I see, so they are likely to be dead set against this union in an effort to prevent Birdsong from being a carer as well as the concerns about having a child. To be fair, I don’t think that is a bad thing to go through for something as serious as this. Actually living as a carer and dealing with this health condition will be more difficult than any confrontation. If there is no strength to endure it, it would be futile to attempt a marriage like this. It definitely isn’t a pleasant or easy thing to have a confrontation with strict  parents though. I’m sorry that you experienced it yourself with a previous partner.

    Thank you for sharing your advice regarding love , family and regret. It is very poignant indeed. I agree that maintaining a positive mindset and expectation of things improving can change a lot.  I shall be borrowing that advice for my own family drama. 😂

    Thank you for your kind words Tommy. As always!

    Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Tommy

    Lovely to see you around! My condolences for the deaths on your family and of course for the trauma you and your family experienced.

    Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Birdsong

    It is still very difficult raising a child with a partner with severe health issues.

    I have a health condition and even though the baby and I survived without complications it is still a massive set back for me health wise. I couldn’t walk in the last month of the pregnancy and I’m only just starting to get back into a semblance of my usual routine months later. It’s been a massive set back. I’ve had to quit my job as well.

    You have to stop medication that manages health conditions to have a child because a lot of it can affect the baby. Breastfeeding, you can’t really take medicine either. In fact for the next year after, there are only certain medications that you can take because there is an increase risk of stroke after having a baby.

    Not to mention, for someone who could potentially be extremely disabled in their 40s. It’s really difficult to raise a child and care for a partner at the same time. Pretty depressing for the whole family. I wouldn’t recommend it. I have a family member that tried it and they’re all miserable as she slowly dies. Fortunately, my condition isn’t life threatening. But still our pregnancy was unplanned.

    Unless you’re wealthy and can afford to hire a lot of help or your parents basically raise the child for you. And that’s if your partner doesn’t die during childbirth.

    Since there’s not a lot of information available for her unique presentation of ataxia your partner would have to make enquiries about her future with medical staff who care for similar patients. Maybe they would know of outcomes for similar patients? Perhaps the family have already made these enquiries?

    Love and best wishes ❤️🙏

    Helcat
    Participant

    That she might not be able to have children might be a specific thing to discuss with your parents at some point. Especially if it is a genetic issue or her condition is severe.

    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Birdsong

    I’m sorry to hear that your girlfriend has ataxia. I had a look online and it is quite a serious condition. You are right to not take it lightly. I think that you’re a wonderful soul for supporting her and being open to navigating the difficulties of her condition. She must be a very special person! You clearly love her a lot. 😊

    I wonder if you spoke to your girlfriend about this? Does she have any opinions?

    I think you did a really good job of explaining things here but I don’t know how it would go over with Asian parents.

    It might be worth going into a similar level of detail about her condition as to here because looking online is quite alarmist. There is a lot of variability in life expectancy for the condition. Some are wheelchair bound or die very young. Some fair a lot better and live into 50s and 60s. So really it is a case of discussing her particular difficulties and concerns as opposed to leaving it to the imagination which might cause you some trouble if they mistakenly believe she could be in the worst case situation and she’s not (hopefully). I think being realistic and practical about the future like you are is a good idea. Well done on being so mature.

    I would add that it might be a painful topic for your girlfriend to discuss. It is not just a concern or a health condition. It is her life and future. These things are can be quite scary. I wonder if it would be okay to ask your partner if it would be okay to get more information about her condition from her parents purely so she doesn’t have to feel distressed about discussing the condition? Or perhaps your parents could ask her parents about more information about the condition? I’m not sure what is culturally appropriate?

    Whilst you are not planning on leaving her. I’m sure that the idea of being rejected by partners because of her condition has been a serious worry over her life.

    I hope that your parents would not try and discuss the condition with her personally either?

    If she isn’t willing to discuss her condition I would respect that request. You can learn a lot about someone’s difficulties by paying attention over time. You will learn in time regardless and your girlfriend cannot predict her own future. But the less stress she experiences the better off she will be.

    As for adapting to difficult circumstances. Everyone experiences difficulties in some shape or form. It is impossible to prepare fully. All you can do is the best you can. Doing your best will always be enough. It is all anyone can do!

    That you have such love for her and a wonderful kind heart. I think that is the most important thing of all. That is all anyone asks for, to be treat with respect and compassion.

    Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

    in reply to: Are me and my boyfriend actually compatible #433682
    Helcat
    Participant

    I forgot to add, jealousy is about his own insecurities and I would imagine nothing to do with you. Possibly he was cheated on in the past or his parents experienced cheating?

    in reply to: Are me and my boyfriend actually compatible #433681
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Renn

    I’m sorry to hear that you had an argument with your boyfriend because he called you stupid and childish. Well done on standing up for yourself. It’s good to see that when you feel he goes too far you don’t back down. I know it sucks having disagreements though. Has there been a resolution to the argument yet?

    I’m sorry that he said you aren’t friends. I imagine that hurt you? I know that I would be hurt by that. I think friendship is really important in a relationship.

    You are right, it sounds like he cares about you taking care about yourself when you are stressed but he goes about it in the wrong way. It’s not very helpful for someone who is already stressed for someone to make negative comments like that. I don’t think you’re stupid or childish. It sounds like he doesn’t understand anxiety. I get the same thing and stop eating when I’m stressed. It’s not a good habit though and it is important to try to eat even when we don’t want to. It can actually help to balance mood by increasing your blood sugar. If you don’t feel like eating something, try sucking on a sweet or a tablespoon of honey and see if that helps.

    Personally, I think that listening to the heart is more important than the head. But I will say that it doesn’t just mean how you feel about the relationship it includes how you feel about yourself. How the relationship makes you feel about yourself is the most telling thing.

    Another thing that helps me to decide is, does how I feel right now in disagreements match how I feel and know my partner to be on a regular basis? I have trauma so that makes me feel a lot worse than I should during disagreements.

    I see, that would be difficult being in a long distance relationship with someone who is jealous. I would imagine that the distance would make him feel more jealous and insecure instead of less.

    It is sad letting go of someone you love because things aren’t a good fit. But the pain doesn’t last forever and there are other people more suitable to love who can also reciprocate those feelings in healthy ways. I guess I think protecting yourself and loving yourself is more important than loving someone else. It is hard to love yourself if you put your needs below someone else. Things need to be equal. Do you feel that he loves you as much as you love him?

    You mentioned that you convince yourself of things. What kinds of things do you convince yourself of?

    Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 893 total)