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Helcat

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Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 320 total)
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  • in reply to: Any tips in how to solve communication problems? #405167
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Eric

    Do you honestly believe that anyone deserves to be hit?

    This is a form of self-abuse for you. Even in the previous message you are verbally abusing yourself by claiming that you deserve to be hit.

    This is what domestic violence perpetrators sometimes say to their victims.

    I would encourage you to wait until you are feeling calmer to reply. When you are able to think clearly and refrain from self-abuse. This is when you are going to be able to make progress.

    I am not saying this because I wish to cease communication. On the contrary! I would love to continue this conversation. I just know from my own experience that it is near impossible to be kind to yourself while these feelings are still raw.

    I have an idea for you regarding conversation practice. You write beautifully and visualisation is great technique that has a similar impact to performing the activity itself. Could you write about how you would have liked the conversation to go with this girl? Please only  do this when you are feeling calmer.

    Have you tried yoga before? It is an excellent way to develop relaxation skills. Learning to properly relax could help you learn to better manage your anxiety.

    I hope you take care of yourself in this vulnerable state. You deserve to take especially good care of yourself right now. What are your favourite treats or some comforting / distracting activities that you enjoy?

    in reply to: 22 living with parents, confused. #405130
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Tara

    It’s good to hear that you got out of an abusive relationship!

    As for your parents, I think that your instincts are correct about the controlling behaviour regarding your location and who you go out with.

    Working two jobs and studying, you sound like a responsible young adult. For both of these reasons, you deserve your freedom. It does seem like they are struggling to see you as the adult that you are.

    I understand what it is like to lie to parents when they are unsupportive and judgemental of who you are spending time with. I would imagine that you were trying to avoid that reaction? It doesn’t sound like you meant to hurt any feelings.

    I think it matters that you were honest when the situation was discussed.

    How are you holding up with the stonewalling? This too is a form of abuse. It’s not great that they tried to gaslight and blame you either. The whole situation seems verbally abusive and  (I’m not a fan of this word) toxic.

    I think you are a very capable of making this decision yourself. So I wonder, what would your ideal resolution to this issue look like?

    On a happier note, how are things with this new man?

    in reply to: Any tips in how to solve communication problems? #405104
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Eric

    If you think about it this way, communication takes practice. In an important situation, say speaking to a girl you like or someone that you want to be friends with it is going to be stressful for you without practice. This is why starting out small and frequently practicing is important. It prepares you for when you do get around to an important conversation and because of practice you would feel more confident in your ability to handle the situation and less stressed. Stress does cause mistakes in communication. So lowering the stress with practice is very important.

    In my experience, social anxiety is not really about other people (aside from ptsd triggers with bullying). A large component is how you feel about yourself because really it is not others judging you, it is about you judging yourself. I bet that girl really didn’t think too much about that encounter, yet you spent the evening berating yourself. You really do need to be kinder to yourself.

    in reply to: He left me for his mother and religoin #405086
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Kajal

    I don’t think there is much you can do.

    His mom might like you as a person, but she doesn’t think you are a good fit as a wife.

    She doesn’t like your modern non-traditional lifestyle. She doesn’t like that you are from a different culture. She doesn’t like that you stood up for yourself initially regarding conversion.

    She wants a submissive Muslim wife willing to raise children, cook and clean for her son. You are very much the opposite of what she wants.

    But this is not your fault. Your partner loves you for who you are. He accepts you and being with you makes him very happy. So happy that he has been unsuccessfully bargaining with his family for 6 months. Most people give up very quickly when met with resistance from family.

    His mother does not accept you and likely never will. She would prefer that her son be unhappy than with you.

    in reply to: He left me for his mother and religoin #405073
    Helcat
    Participant

    I don’t think it’s fair to accuse someone of being manipulative when they temporarily break up when confronted with an ultimatum which means agreeing to essentially erase cultural identity. It is a massive thing to demand and only agreed to in the end because of emotional blackmail for fear of losing a partner.

    There are multi-religion households especially in western countries such as Germany.

    in reply to: He left me for his mother and religoin #405060
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Kajal

    On the plus side, it sounds like he has tried to reason with his parents multiple times. He cannot force them to change their mind.

    It is a very hard thing for any child to consider marrying without the support of their parents.

    I am not on the best terms with my mother, but I still wanted her there when I got married. For someone who has  a good relationship with their parents I would imagine it would feel like a betrayal to go through that without them.

    It is a very difficult, sensitive situation for all involved and I don’t think he would have kept trying to reason with them if he didn’t love you.

    Perhaps ending the relationship could be a practical way of him trying to protect you from more rejection, more suffering and wasting your time? I’m sure that he has seen how much these issues have hurt you. It was your own instinctual reaction to end the relationship initially too. I’m sure, you loved him even then. It is just the difficulty of the situation. Ultimately, his parents are traditional and there is a level of prejudice that comes with that.

    I think that this situation has nothing to do with who you are as a person. You had two wonderful years together. That is what you two created.

    With his parents in the mix, there is misery. Perhaps it is good to know this before getting married. They could make your life a living hell. It is not good to have that kind of stress in your life. Do you think it would go away if they begrudgingly accepted the marriage? Or do you think they would continue to treat you poorly? To avoid this, to marry you, he would have to give up his whole family. I don’t think it is an easy decision to make, with no positive outcome. He either loses you, or his whole family.

    in reply to: He left me for his mother and religoin #405045
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Kajal

    It sounds like you’re in a very difficult situation but it is not your fault. You did nothing wrong. It’s very cruel that these issues have come up after 2 years together. It is such a shame that your partner isn’t standing up for you.

    I don’t believe the problem lies with you. The problem lies with his family. They sound very traditional and unfortunately it appears that there is a culture clash.

    I see two potential options. 1) Put yourself through a lot of pain and rejection on the slim chance they will change their mind. 2) Accept that they are unwilling to accept you. Look towards a new future and heal from this nightmare.

    What do you think?

    I wish you all the best!

    Helcat
    Participant

    Perhaps some people are just slower to reply to messages? It’s not a big deal.

    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi KP

    It’s great that you’ve been seeking therapy. I bet you’ve already done a lot of good work with your therapist.

    I’m sorry to hear that previous relationships have ended badly. I think that would be enough to make anyone nervous about dating.

    Did you notice any specific difficulties with the relationships?

    Some food for thought is schema therapy. It suggests that difficulties with ourselves are reflected in our choice of partner. This isn’t intentional, but these difficulties within ourselves can cause us to be drawn to people that are unhealthy for us and play on our own difficulties.

    The good news is that when you are aware of your own issues you can make conscious choices to make healthier decisions.

    Your therapist might be a great tool to approach dating because they are very well trained to identify unhealthy behaviour. Discussing any issues with dates can be very helpful and they would encourage you to establish and protect your boundaries.

    You don’t have to date yet, if you don’t feel that you are ready. It is understandable to feel lonely and desire a relationship, despite the apprehension you feel regarding relationships. I think everyone deserves love, but it can be hard to find. A lot of abusive behaviours are normalised in society, then there are issues with compatibility. Dating can certainly be challenging!

    in reply to: How to deal with harsh environment #404862
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Dana

    I don’t think people in general cope very well in harsh environments. It can certainly lead to a level of trauma. Is it possible for you to plan to leave that environment?

    For me, planning to leave a harsh environment was helpful. It gave me hope that one day things would be easier.

    On the other hand, sometimes it takes time. I’ve had various approaches for different situations.

    If a person is behaving poorly, I reduce my anxiety by understanding that individual has maladaptive coping skills. This helps me see that behaviour is unrelated to me, so I don’t need to feel bad about how someone else is reacting. In the the past, people have done things that made me feel angry and disrespected. To process and manage these feelings I consider what is within my control? Sometimes people are unwilling or incapable of change. But I am responsible for how I perceive and feel about a situation. Considering, how do I want to emotionally respond to a situation? Can be helpful for me.

    Your situation sounds very challenging. It is okay to say no sometimes, especially when you are tired. It is just as important to help yourself, as it is others. If you are giving all of the time, soon you will have nothing left. People don’t always like it when you develop boundaries and say “Sorry, not today. I need a break.”. But it’s okay for them not to like it. People can feel something about anything. It’s not your responsibility to manage everyone else’s emotions, just yourown.

    I don’t know if any of this is relevant to your situation. But I wish you good luck in getting through this challenging period. If you have the funds and opportunity a therapist can be helpful.

    in reply to: Should I reach out after dating earlier this year? #404849
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Christin

    Whilst it doesn’t sound like you were compatible romantically, it sounds like things were left on good terms. I think it might depend on the individual regarding appreciating contact. That being said, I think it’s a very kind idea. I know I would be happy to communicate as friends in that circumstance.

    I think if you sent a message you’d very quickly find out if this individual would appreciate contact. Seems to me there’s nothing to lose. But perhaps it would be important to communicate boundaries if you are not interested in continuing dating? As people can be easily confused.

    in reply to: How do I Stop letting this bother me! #404848
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi SantaFe

    I think it’s reasonable to be concerned about your friend developing a relationship with someone that you hate.

    Have you spoken to the friend that you are close to about how you are feeling yet (without demanding anything)?

    in reply to: Not good enough for any girl #404725
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Silent Rossi

    I would agree, honesty and communication are important in relationships. I think a partner with those traits sounds ideal. Perhaps you are too hard on yourself and you have a better understanding of what you would like in a romantic partner than you realised?

    Regarding bullying from peers. Children and teenagers can be sociopathic. A lot of people mature in their 20s and 30s. There are some good people out there, I promise. I hope that on your quest to find a partner you meet some kind people that value compassion as much as you do.

    in reply to: What surviving domestic abuse taught me #404677
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Jupiter

    Congratulations on leaving your abusive marriage. It takes a lot of strength to do that. Statistics show that often it takes 7 attempts to leave an abusive partner before this is successfully achieved. I’m sorry for the abuse you endured in childhood and during the marriage. I hope that your life is calmer now?

    I have also experienced a lot of abuse and my take is slightly different on abusive behaviour. I think that it is very easy. I remember when I was a child. As a result of my abuse I developed similar traits, even becoming violent.

    Self control, being a good kind person is more difficult and takes effort.

    Abusive people when put in different situations such as in front of others react entirely differently in front of others compared to how they would privately (when they feel there is no repurcussion for their behaviour). This reveals that they have the capacity for self control. They are making a conscious choice to violate boundaries. Why?

    Well when I was a child hitting other children made me feel strong and powerful. I enjoyed hurting others, much in the same way I would imagine that my abuser enjoyed hurting me. Things quickly spun out of control. What started as beating up bullies, became assaulting my friends when they told a joke I didn’t like. At the age of 12 I decided enough was enough. I didn’t want to be like my abuser. I didn’t want to hurt my friends, so I had to practice self control, teach myself empathy and not hit anyone.

    You have a lot of empathy for your abusive ex husband. My concern is does your empathy for him overshadow your compassion for yourself?
    Sometimes it can be emotionally validating to say X was a B*!%# for physically abusing me.

    There are plenty of people who feel unlovable that don’t go on to abuse others. So I don’t believe that it explains the behaviour. You said yourself that you now share those feelings. Yet you are kind and empathetic. I doubt that you would ever harm anyone because of those feelings.

    You strike me as a very intelligent, emotionally resilient woman and I honestly believe that in time you can recover from this, especially with the support of a skilled trauma therapist. Don’t be dishearted by the length of time it is taking. These things are not easy or quick, but indeed, possible. May your pain grow smaller in time!

    Helcat
    Participant

    Thank you for your kindness Honey Blossom! I’m feeling better now. Lovely to hear from you. How are you doing?

Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 320 total)