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Looking backwards

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  • #428072
    gresshoppe
    Participant

    Last year, I had a relationship that was short, but really intense. i hadn’t experienced that kind of crazy chemistry in a long time, maybe never. the breakup was just as intense as the relationship. I think we were both at fault, now that some time has passed. He said some things that hurt bad, and then I withdrew. Everything fell apart, so fast. I wanted to slow everything down, but couldn’t find a way, so I went no contact. It was really hard to recover. I see things a little differently now and wish I would have handled things differently. I met someone super nice, but…something is missing. There isn’t anything wrong with the new man. Just some level of connectedness that is missing. I think it’s rare, and I had that with my last person. It so happpens that I heard from the ex. It’s like there is a chance to at least try. I have been trying to decide if I’m just looking backwards for the most recent chemistry because we definately were tight, or if this was really was super special. Has anyone been able to go back to an ex after a bad breakup? My besties think I’m stupid because the new person is so sweet. They say not to go back, but I never actually tried it in the past.

    #428087
    anita
    Participant

    Dear gresshoppe:

    The relationship with the ex was “short, but really intense… crazy chemistry“. You recently met “someone super nice… so sweet“, but “some level of connectedness” with him is missing: that intensity and crazy chemistry that you experienced with the ex. Recently, the ex contacted you and you are considering resuming the relationship with the ex.

    About the trouble in your previous relationship, you wrote: “I think we were both at fault, now that some time has passed. He said some things that hurt bad, and then I withdrew. Everything fell apart, so fast. I wanted to slow everything down, but couldn’t find a way, so I went no contact“- what happened there is very important when it comes to considering resuming the relationship. Would you like to elaborate on what happened and what were the things he said that hurt you badly? How were you at fault, and how was he at fault?

    As to the intense connectedness and crazy chemistry that you experienced with the ex, that could be the result of his physical features that you find very attractive and/ or it could be that he reminds you of a parent (I don’t mean in a sexual way) whose love you tried to get as a child, but failed, and he (the ex) brought back to you that intense child-like hope to be finally loved.

    Let’s say that your father or mother were cold and critical of you. You tried to please that parent very much, to win their love. You hoped for their love for a long, long time and you didn’t get it. Fast forward, you meet a cold, critical man who is interested in you, showing you some positive attention, and all that intense and long-term HOPE is awakened.. hope that this time, you will get the love you needed for so long.

    On the other hand, when you meet a nice guy.. that’s nice, but he doesn’t awaken that Hope (hope with a capital H). Problem in this scenario, is that you far less likely receive love from a cold and critical person than you are from a nice and sweet person.

    What do you think about this scenario?

    anita

    #428129
    gresshoppe
    Participant

    I’m not sure about the chemistry – was it just natural? Some of the most intense conversations I have ever had. I had two loves before this person – one when I was very young (early 20’s), and then my husband before he died seven years ago. After getting some dating experience, last summer’s man felt like natural love – where it’s just there and then you run with it. He seemed to have anger issues. Never even remotely physical, but he seemed to have a lot of estrangements in his life. He questioned some of my dearest friends, called a couple of them names (just in front of me). What bothers me to this day is that it just ended with a big splat and we never even tried to reconnect. That happened to me with my first love, and I regretted not giving him at least one more chance. I just don’t want to have regrets. I don’t know if we could have worked through it because we didn’t try. And he recently hinted that he was open to another chance.

    I hear you on pleasing parents. My Mom tried to stick her nose in my business on this one, and I followed my therapist’s advice and am following my heart and conscience. I do think, though, that last summer’s man was really meeting a need, and maybe the most important one. I just wonder if walking it back is wise. But even now, several months later – it felt extraordinary.

    #428134
    anita
    Participant

    Dear gresshoppe:

    He seemed to have anger issues… he seemed to have a lot of estrangements in his life. He questioned some of my dearest friends, called a couple of them names (just in front of me)“- if anger issues and estrangements from the people in his life is his pattern, then likely, this pattern will include you yet again: there was already a breakup following a short relationship, and if you get back with him, there will likely be another.

    What bothers me to this day is that it just ended with a big splat and we never even tried to reconnect. That happened to me with my first love, and I regretted not giving him at least one more chance. I just don’t want to have regrets“- can’t undo and redo the past. Better put that old regret, and all regrets, to a final rest. Make the best choices today with the information you have, choices made in  calm state of mind.

    I don’t know if we could have worked through it because we didn’t try. And he recently hinted that he was open to another chance“- back to patterns: if his relationships, romantic and otherwise, were not long-term and stable so far, his relationship with you is likely to be the same.

    I hear you on pleasing parents. My Mom tried to stick her nose in my business on this one“- when this man questioned some of your dearest friends, calling them names, wasn’t he (like your mother) sticking his nose in your business?

    I just wonder if walking it back is wise. But even now, several months later – it felt extraordinary“- if something of his anger issues was evident from the beginning of the short relationship, maybe that was what attracted you to him?

    anita

    #428140
    Tommy
    Participant

    No one can give you advice on how to live your life without you having that person to blame for anything to go wrong. Never taking responsibility for your own actions. Regret? Always regret for not having taken the road not chosen. For not doing better. For making the last choice. Looking back means going back. If things were to going good then it would have continued. If things were going bad but have taken a turn for the better then it would have. It didn’t. You are going to have to decide and follow with actions. I give no advice and I give no comfort for your situation. Everyone has their own situations and choices to make. And the only thing one can count on is that everything changes over time. Which ever path you choose, I wish you luck.

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