fbpx
Menu

Is this a temporary ebb in friendship ?

HomeForumsRelationshipsIs this a temporary ebb in friendship ?

New Reply
Viewing 11 posts - 31 through 41 (of 41 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #434761
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Carol

    It is good to hear that you are handling things a lot better and enjoying happiness in various aspects of your life.

    I suppose that it is only human to have ebbs and flows of emotion when we think of someone who was close to us.

    Thank you for your kindness and compassion too! I am okay with what happened.

    I hope that you enjoy the events with your new friends. 😊

    I see, so you have already told your friend how you feel. That is a shame that she lied to you when you asked her about it and treat you like that anyway.

    You don’t have to make the decision now. There is plenty of time. Just enjoy your peace. Things will happen when they are meant to.

    I don’t think your decision to hold off for now is unhealthy. You are simply doing what is best for you. 😊 I am sure that you will handle this when you are ready.

    Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

    #434938
    Carol
    Participant

    Hello,

    I hope you are both well 🙂

    Just so you know, I read each of your replies with attention and I can’t thank you enough for your helpful advice !

    I will get back to you with a more elaborate reply once I take some time to reflect about the situation !

    You made valid points and I think I need a bit of time to properly assimilate the informations

     

    Thanks again and I will come back

    #434940
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Carol:

    How kind of you to take the time to submit this gracious post, thank you! Please do take the time that you need. I am looking forward to reading your next post, when you are ready.

    anita

    #434943
    Helcat
    Participant

    Thank you for your kind words. No worries Carol, take care 😊

    Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

    #435257
    Carol
    Participant

    Hello 🙂

     

    I have some news.

    I just went home from my friend’s house ! We spent the evening together sipping tea.

    I was talking about how I was juggling my hobbies, work and social life.

    And then she mentioned that because of her depression (she was diagnosed 8 years ago) she didn’t have a large bandwidth to handle different things at the time : everyday tasks, like cooking, cleaning, etc required a lot of efforts and as a result, she didn’t do much.

    She added that right now, she was focusing on her relationship because it was still new and very important to her and when she would go back to university, her priority would shift to her studies (understandable) !

    That makes perfect sense.

    The thing is, I felt deeply uncomfortable the whole time. There were many awkward silences, I withheld a tons of informations and funny anecdotes about my life … I just didn’t feel close to her anymore and didn’t feel like confiding in her !

    There was no more vulnerability, it was as if something was broken. I offered her her birthday present, which in hindsight was way too expensive, knowing the way she’s been treating me.

    I felt like I was pretending, pretending to be okay whereas I felt really hurt about the changes in our friendship.

    So right now, I am wondering if I should talk to her about how I feel like we drifted apart or if I should let this go, especially as she is doing the best she can with her depression !

    I don’t know if I should emphasize with her … or myself ?

    On one hand, I feel like talking to her is a way of respecting myself and our friendship.

    On the other, I am wondering if I am not being selfish/self-centered, bringing up my issues knowing very well she struggles with her mental health !

    I don’t think she’s ill-intentioned.

    I think she’s genuinely struggling.

     

    Any help is appreciated 🙂

    #435258
    Carol
    Participant

    Empathize*

    not emphasize

    My apologies

    Thank you so much for reading

    #435260
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Carol:

    She shared with you, paraphrased, that she’s been suffering from depression, that her energy is limited, and therefore she has had to choose what’s important to her (her relationship, and soon: her studies), and withdraw from what is less important to her (you).

    I am wondering if I should talk to her about how I feel like we drifted apart or if I should let this go“- how you feel, Carol, is not high on her priority list.

    It is her right to determine her priority list, and she is doing the best she can for herself.

    I don’t know if I should empathize with her.. or myself?“- empathize with yourself and express some empathy for her.  But let the ones she prioritizes do most of the empathizing with her.

    I feel like talking to her is a way of respecting myself and our friendship“- your friendship with her has been a high priority in your mind and heart; a low priority in her mind and heart.

    I am wondering if I am not being selfish/self-centered, bringing up my issues knowing very well she struggles with her mental health!“- she struggles with depression and she chooses what she believes will help her: her relationship with her boyfriend, and soon: her studies.

    She is not choosing you as a source of help.

    You are not selfish when you choose to accept and respect her priorities/ her faith in what can or cannot help her.

    anita

    #435330
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Carol

    Well the thing is that not everyone with depression acts in this way.

    She has had boyfriends in the past with depression and never treated you in this way.

    No matter how she justifies treating you in this way doesn’t make it right.

    If you don’t want to seek closure because of your friend’s depression and just let go. That is perfectly okay.

    If you want to seek closure that is perfectly okay too.

    You are the kind of person who cares about others. You will not overstep and go too far. You do deserve to have your feelings heard. Whether that is here, by a friend or speaking to your friend that hurt you.

    You naturally empathise with others. It’s not going to stop. But you do owe yourself empathy as well. Your pain over losing your best friend is equally important as the pain of your friends depression. Some may say that your feelings are more important because you have a responsibility to take care of yourself and your needs.

    Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

    #435343
    Carol
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    “She shared with you, paraphrased, that she’s been suffering from depression, that her energy is limited, and therefore she has had to choose what’s important to her (her relationship, and soon: her studies), and withdraw from what is less important to her (you).”

    Exactly, I thought so.

    “- empathize with yourself and express some empathy for her.  But let the ones she prioritizes do most of the empathizing with her.”

    For some reason, this sentence really resonated with me !

    I was ready to give up on our friendship when she sent me a text yesterday, thanking me for our evening and saying that she was glad that I seemed to live a happy life (I talked about my new friends/hobbies).She also apologized for “not talking much.”

    I think this was the straw that broke the camel’s back because I realized at this moment, how oblivious she was to my feelings.

    So, I told her that she didn’t have to apologize. I explained that the awkward silences were due to the fact that I felt uncomfortable during our interaction since I didn’t know what to say nor how to behave.

    She asked me what I meant by that. And I replied that things changed since she met her boyfriend and as a result, we drifted apart. Of course, I said that I was happy that she was in a fulfilling relationship.

    She replied that indeed, she had not been available this past year and that she was truly sorry.

    She said that she completely understood my point and that she would start to make more efforts in the future in order to solve this because she cared about our friendship.

    She added that if at some point, I felt that we drifted apart, I could tell her because she wasn’t good at handling many things at a time but she didn’t want to think that she was fading away.

    Then, we agreed that it was a good thing we talked this out and we planned our next hangout next week.

    So in some way, I feel relieved ?

    I think that she’s genuinely sorry and the future will tell how it turns out.

    #435344
    Carol
    Participant

    Dear Helcat,

    Exactly ! Plus, she was diagnosed 8 years ago, so depression alone can not explain her behavior.

    “No matter how she justifies treating you in this way doesn’t make it right.”

    Thank you for reminding me this !

    “You naturally empathise with others. It’s not going to stop. But you do owe yourself empathy as well. Your pain over losing your best friend is equally important as the pain of your friends depression. Some may say that your feelings are more important because you have a responsibility to take care of yourself and your needs.”

    It’s true that I tend to think that my feelings are less important, especially compared to something like depression… Honestly, I  didn’t want to put more on her plate !

    But her text sparked something and I suddenly felt the need to have my feelings heard and to advocate for myself.

    So I guess that I have my closure, now.

    I think this type of situation is very hard to handle and both options (ie matching interest or having an open talk) are both appropriate according to the circumstances.

     

    So I thank you again for your tremendous help ! Each of your replies reached me something 🙂

     

    #435345
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Carol:

    she would start to make more efforts in the future in order to solve this because she cared about our friendship…. we agreed that it was a good thing we talked this out and we planned our next hangout next week. So in some way, I feel relieved ? I think that she’s genuinely sorry and the future will tell how it turns out.”- your and her future efforts (or lack of)  will indeed tell how it turns out. I hope that it turns out well.!

    anita

Viewing 11 posts - 31 through 41 (of 41 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.