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Taking a break

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  • #434188
    Chau
    Participant

    Hi all

    I shared in this forum ages ago, when i was going through some emotional/ relationship problem

    I can’t thank enough for the support i was given at that time.

    Here I am, seeking wisdom again

     

    My story is my 5.5 years partner is now taking a break with me, she can’t figure out whether she still loves me or are we just ‘good friends’ who live together.

    Long story short, after some attempt to salvage the relationship, we agreed that we should take a break to clear things. Let her think of her feelings and see how we should move ahead, if we were to move ahead together. We agreed to review this after a month

    This is just day 3 and i find myself having all sort of thinking and feelings that may/ may not have basis at all. Anyways, they aren’t what we agreed and what we said, which is to allow some time for her to reflect

    Not sure if this is related but we are a lesbian couple. So i guess there are some suppression here and there. We basically moved in for a while, and now I have move out temporarily for her to have some space alone

    Any thoughts, comments are welcomed. I am a bit lost at this moment

     

    Wish you all tiny buddha friends and family all well

     

    Chau

    #434209
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Chau:

    Welcome back! I remember that we communicated for a while, and it was indeed ages ago. You posted today under a different account, so I can’t see our previous communication when I click on your screen name. If you didn’t delete your previous thread and if you don’t mind me re-reading it, can you locate it for me?

    This is just day 3 and I find myself having all sort of thinking and feelings that may/ may not have basis at all“- would you like to elaborate on the thinking and feelings you are referring to here?

    we are a lesbian couple. So I guess there are some suppression here and there“- and would you loke to elaborate on the suppression you are referring to?

    anita

    #434214
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Chau

    That sounds difficult dealing with this month long break. And hearing a long term partner decide whether they want to be with you in the future, not to mention asking you to move out. You are going through a lot right now.

    No wonder if you are feeling things about the situation. Would you like to talk about how you feel about the situation?

    Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

    #434217
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Chau

    I guess hope, despair & confusion are your companions at the moment. It is okay to feel these emotions or any others, just do not feed them.

    Pema Chodren has a book called  comfortable with uncertainty and also Living Beautifully – uncertainty & change, in fact all her books are insightful & helpful.

    When ever I am at a crossroads I review How I want to live my life. This helps me be patient with being in limbo and makes sure that I am keeping to my core values .

    Keep yourself busy with healthy pursuits and avoid alcohol or other mind /wisdom altering substances & people.

    Kind regards

    Roberta

    #434227
    Chau
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

    Thanks for replying me

    I also remember you 🙂 You gave me a lot of advices and helped me through. I was reading other forums and thinking if you are the Anita whom I knew 🙂

    Thanks for trying to look at my past posts. I think I found my old account and am using it now, are you able to see any posts that i had before?

    This is just day 3 and I find myself having all sort of thinking and feelings that may/ may not have basis at all

    All sorts of insecurity, sadness, a bit  of anger, lost, helplessness, a bit irritated by the fact that I need to ‘wait’ for one month, a bit lonely as I can’t reach out to her and connect with her as much as I want to/used to. Doubting the intent of the break, she mentioned she needed time to clear her mind and ‘restart’, but  sometime i also double if she just wan to use this time to break up(I also honestly told her that if that’s her intent dun ask me to take a break, but just break up), so basically just build up from what happened/ imagined/ my friend said, and have different hypothesis around the break.

    we are a lesbian couple. So I guess there are some suppression here and there

    i think it is from the fact that she can’t tell everyone, she is not as openly gay as I am. I am out to most of my friends, she is not, her concern is on work? and possibly still unsure of me as a long term partner? unsure

    She did recently open up to her younger brother, from whom she received blessing and support.

     

    #434228
    Chau
    Participant

    Hello Helcat,

    Thanks for replying. It’s complicated and I am in constant battle between asking myself to stay positive and letting myself grief and cry. Now I think on top of those disappointment and feeling of rejection, I am also trying to grief about the lost of the relationship that I am used to, the one that I wished for in this particular relationship. I think i might to adjust to a new mode of relationship, if we were to get back together.

    Thanks for your wishes and love, I can feel this all around in tiny buddha community 🙂

     

    #434230
    Chau
    Participant

    Dear Roberta

    I do find myself feeding those negatives. I think my lesson for this month is to deal with my insecurity, which has been affecting me for a while. I am sensitive and sometime overthink, and I believe this may cause stress to my partner also.

    I am thinking to go therapy to clear my minds and see what insights I can get.

    Thanks for the books recommended, will look into it

    Chau

     

    #434232
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Chau:

    thinking if you are the Anita whom I knew“- yes, that’s me (I deleted my account back in Feb 2023, I think it was, and returned to the forums Aug the same year, under a different account, but same screen name (anita).

    are you able to see any posts that I had before?”– no. I can look for your past thread if you tell me the month and year you last posted.

    All sorts of insecurity, sadness, a bit  of anger, lost, helplessness…  Doubting the intent of the break, she mentioned she needed time to clear her mind and ‘restart’, but  sometime I also double if she just want to use this time to break up… she can’t tell everyone, she is not as openly gay as I am“- yes, I remember you shared about her not being openly gay. It must have been 4 years ago, or so.

    I am sensitive and sometime overthink, and I believe this may cause stress to my partner also. I am thinking to go therapy to clear my minds and see what insights I can get“-

    – if quality psychotherapy is accessible to you, that would be the best. Emotion Regulation Skills are very helpful when it comes to anxiety-filled overthinking and emotional over-reaction. It’s about finding strength within you, strength you can count on, so that even if your partner breaks up with you, you will still be okay.

    anita

    #434233
    Chau
    Participant

    Hello Anita

    The last post i had was #231665 . See if that helps?

    yes, i checked and it was almost 6 years ago, this is the person whom i eventually date, for 5.5 years now

    There are some psychotherapist around, just that I am unsure which one to go to, but i will bear emotion regulation skills in mind when I look for one

    Chau

    #434238
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Chau:

    I just clicked on that link and could see that my first reply to you was on June 13, 2016, EIGHT years ago, 4 years longer than  I thought it was. It’s Wed night here. I will be back to you Thurs morning. Try to find some peace in your mind and heart, while in this difficult situation. It’d be way less difficult once you accept what it is that you cannot change, and have the courage to change the little that’s in your power to change.

    Be back to you in about 11-12 hours.

    anita

    #434241
    Chau
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    No rush. I saw you posted a message in my last thread and sorry for missing that out!

    Yes i was having some problem back in 2016 as well. It’s great to read what I did and how I have grown since then. I was re-reading my posts about my current partner, it does seem things go back in circle and looks like something didn’t really change.

    Anyways, thanks for your good advice as always.

    Have a good restful night

    #434243
    anita
    Participant

    Thank you, Chau. No rush indeed. When I re-read tomorrow, I will keep in mind that 2016 was a long time ago (way before you met your now-on-a-break partner), and that you have grown since. I’ll be back to you!

    anita

    #434249
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Chau

    Disappointed, insecure, sad, rejected, grieving, irritated, angry, helpless and lonely. Those are a lot of very understandable feelings because it is such a complicated and challenging time. It must be an intense time for you. It is very big of you to try to stay positive and even consider accepting a continuation of this relationship after these difficulties.

    I’m sorry to hear that your partner has hidden the relationship from family (except for one sibling) for 5 and a half years.

    You are also concerned that this time is being used to break up. To me, that is a valid concern. Your partner has chosen a rather brutal way to make her decision. What did she say when you asked her about that?

    I have a couple of concerns about this situation too. 1) I feel like it is unfairly harsh on you. You are expected to patiently wait around while going through a lot of suffering. 2) I’m not sure about cultural stance regarding being gay or even modern dating practices. In some countries it is illegal and this makes the lives of gay people very difficult, in other countries it is not illegal. In some countries people use breaks to see other people. Was this discussed?

    If you think taking the chance that your partner will change her mind is worth the pain of being left on the hook is worth it. That is your decision.

    It seems to me that you have already been on the hook waiting for 5 and a half years. You deserve to be with someone who loves you for you and at least acknowledges your presence to people that they are close with.

    I think that love is a choice. There have been days where I have fallen out of love when things were difficult. But the choice is made to reconnect and fall in love with a partner, or not. The choice to love someone or not is made every day.

    Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

    #434251
    Chau
    Participant

    hi Helcat

    thanks for replying but I think I didnt present it too well. We have been in a serious relationship for 5.5 years, we live together and shared some very percious moments together, about a month or two ago i raised the million dollar question” do you still like me” to which she responded with silent, that is the beginning of this almost two months long discussion of where we should go, how and if we should salvage our relationship etc

    we decided to take a one month break and review it afterwards, we agreed to not contacting during this month also

    on my way to dinner, just want to clarify this first. will get back to you on the rest of your questions later, thanks so much for your care and kind words!

    Clara

    #434261
    Chau
    Participant

    Hello Helcat,

    Let me get back to your questions.

    We kind of went through a lot of discussions before we reached to this temporary break. We agreed to review this a month later.

    I think somehow, i proposed this initially but we decided it it too much, we tried for around a month but eventually we feel we had a bit too much negativity, and we decided to take a break. I asked about the time frame, and whether we completely not contacted, and she said a month and may be not contacting is best, as we had some expectation mismatch(i expected her this, and she expected me that) while we were trying

    i don’t think culturally it is that bad, I live in Hong Kong, so it is not THAT bad in here being gay. Just that being a chinese, there are still taboo etc which makes it harder for gay couples.

    I keep telling me that she will honour our agreement, while deep down I have a lot of insecurity bubbling.

    I can expect this will be a difficult month

    Best wishes

    Chau

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 156 total)

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