fbpx
Menu

Taking a break

HomeForumsRelationshipsTaking a break

New Reply
Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 163 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #434262
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Chau/ Clara:

    I was wrong: we first communicated on May 31, 2016. Here is an amazing fact: you posted on June 26, 2016, exactly 8 years ago, and on June 26, 2017, exactly 7 years ago.

    On June 26, 2016, you wrote (I am adding the boldface feature to quotes selectively): “what I am missing is someone who cares for me when I am distressed, and someone who shares my life when I want to share“- having read much of our past communication this morning, I boldfaced the part above because, seems to me, your pattern has been wanting a close relationship on one hand, and wanting to be alone, on the other hand. Anxious-Avoidant Attachment Style, or something of the sort: wanting closeness and being scared of it, moving toward a girlfriend and pushing her away.

    You wrote early on about the first ex you shared about: “Occasionally, I treated her with tantrum…  I did have quite intense temper tantrums, and we did take a few breaks“- could have been the scared, panicking part of you throwing tantrums, pushing her away.

    “I am disappointed at the fact that I wasn’t able to treat her well when I was dating her, I had always been very reluctant to connect with her emotionally“- this is the Avoidant part of your attachment style.

    You’ve done a lot of traveling alone, for long periods of time, like the time you backpacked through South America. I think that predominantly, you find comfort in being alone. When in a relationship, there is a conflict: needing closeness and being afraid of closeness. The solution of the scared-part of you is to push the girlfriend away (is what I am thinking this morning).

    Exactly 7 years ago, June 26, 2017, you wrote: “Recently I have become quite close to someone… I have told her I developed my liking and attachment on her… but recently I feel the urge to cut the tie, primarily to cut off the attachment (to) herI am afraid of losing it all, well, while I haven’t even got it“- I boldfaced the solution of the scared-part of you, and the nature of your fear: closeness. To the scared part of you, closeness means losing: losing relative safety.

    I think that this conflict was born in your childhood which you shared about: you were very much a child alone and timid, afraid of people. People represented danger to you, back then, and relative safety was about Avoiding people.

    On Oct 7, 2018, you shared (in regard to your current on-a-break-girlfriend): “I recently got quite close with a person, we have been talking mainly on texts for a few months… she had never disclosed that she had a girlfriend… when she met me she was on a break/broke up with her partner, and later on, her partner came back to her and they got together”.

    Your last post before yesterday’s was on Oct 18, 2018: “I have decided to take a break from her… it’s been a few days since I stopped contacting her, its a bit uneasy at times. but I think this is the right move…”-

    – that was 5 years, 8 months and 8 days  ago. I suppose you and her started dating a couple of months after your last post.

    June 25-26, 2024: “my 5.5 years partner is now taking a break (from) me, she can’t figure out whether she still loves me or are we just ‘good friends’ who live together…about a month or two ago, I raised the million dollar question ‘do you still like me’, to which she responded with silence… I proposed this (the break)…  eventually we feel we had a bit too much negativity, and we decided to take a break”-

    – did you propose breaks before? Has there been negativity between the two of you throughout the relationship, perhaps you repeatedly bringing up the fact that she didn’t tell you back in Sept/Oct 2018 (while you were texting, not yet dating) that she had an on-again off-again girlfriend?

    anita

     

    #434273
    Chau
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    this is an aha moment for me when i read your reply. Fist thank you for taking time to review so many of our past messages, to find a pattern that I didnt realize or put a name to it. Once u said it, it all made sense that I probably did something to wear out the relationship, may be over react when she goes out, may be other so called insecurit. Situations with her previous partners excaerated things for the first year of our relationship indeed. but once i get to know her better I feel more secure and the situations fades, that was when we had those few years of happy relationship, we moved in together etc

    I never initiated a break during those time. But i think what I have been doing and thinking and feeling, eg blaming her for not coming home early and reacting, or may be overreacting sometime, stressed her our and wear out the relationship

     

    this time, when i first knew she didnt have much feeling for me, my initial reaction was shock and upset, subsequently i said it might be good to have some space between us to see if she has feelings or are they only clouded by daily chores, she thought it was a bit too extreme and we didnt do it. after a month of trying, i got insecure becoz she mentioned her not feeling much, and she had to be on tip toe all the time

    we found continual interacting not helping, when i raised the problem again, she said may be we could try taking a break

    I let myself cry this morning, knowing that I have a part in it(everything that happens in a relationship has i though) and own that part feels heavy and difficult, i guess that is what the tears are about

    thanks again for digging them out. for paying so much effort in this

    Clara

    #434278
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Clara:

    You are very welcome!

    maybe overreact when she goes out… blaming her for not coming home early and reacting, or maybe overreacting sometime, stressed her our and wore out the relationship…  she mentioned her not feeling much, and she had to be on tip toe all the time“-

    -I wasn’t there to personally observe your home life with her, but seems to me that indeed, like you say, you overreacted (on a regular basis, or frequently, or repeatedly), and as a result she felt that she had to tiptoe around you, as in walking on eggshells, so to prevent the next overreaction on your part.

    Walking on tip toe all the time, being so careful to prevent trouble does block carefree feelings such as love.

    If you can change these two things: to no longer overreact, and to no longer blame her- once the break is over- the relationship and her feelings for you will resume- I hope.

    anita

    #434279
    Chau
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    I have already booked an appointment with psychotherapist next week. I think your insight may be able to facilitate the process and I will bring this up in the session as well.

    The issue is how to catch myself when I want to overreach and blame her.

    If she is coming back to me after a month agreeing that we can restart or resume our relationship, then I will try to change things a bit. But I am also feeling insecure that she will only want to break up with me, which is entirely possible. Although we did say this is a ‘break’ hoping for a restart, not a ‘break up’. Probably this is the first lesson of what needs to be changed, to not overthink of what we have talked about, unless otherwise proven or spoken. And be a bit more confident with the person that I have been with for 5 years.

    I have assigned some homework for myself this month, to go therapies, and I may go to a yoga retreat and do some detoxing. I hope I can come back to her with a fresh mental and physical state. Or come back to her and any potential future partners, and to myself.

    Chau

    #434280
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Clara/ Chau:

    The issue is how to catch myself when I want to overreach and blame her“- since this has been my behavior (!) I came up with the NPARR strategy: when I Notice increased stress within me, I Pause (I don’t say or do anything), I Address the situation; is there a situational problem that needs to be solved, or is the problem bad programming on my part/ distorted thinking that needs to be corrected,; is there a different way to view the situation? then Respond-or-not: say, type, do, or not, and lastly: Redirect: redirect  distorted thinking => correct, balanced thinking; judgment => empathy.

    I am also feeling insecure that she will only want to break up with me, which is entirely possible. Although we did say this is a ‘break’ hoping for a restart, not a ‘break up’“- you are suspicious of her, aren’t you (that’s why she had to tiptoe around you)? How about Redirecting your judgment of her (as a suspect) => empathy for her. Think of what she may be feeling right now, her hurt, her despair perhaps. Operate out of Empathy for her.

    anita

    #434282
    Chau
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    I think i need to meditate and establish the awareness and skills of catching myself. May be I should add meditate to my homework list.

    Yes indeed I am suspicious of her. I have been sensitive and I think that stressed her out as well.

    Two days ago i ran into her, We exchanged an awkward hi and I saw her faced turned weird, i think upset and anxious and didn’t know how to face me? But from that facial expression I knew very clearly she was suffering. Weirdly that night I felt better, knowing that she is just suffering and may really need some time to think over things.

    But I guess the overthinking came back again, and it is scary

    It is difficult to rise over my own feeling and have the space to empathize her. It’s just day 5(?) and a lot are still going on in my mind all the time.

    But may be that’s the way out for us, or may be that’s the only way out for me also, operate out of love and empathy for another person.

    Clara

    #434286
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Clara:

    This, right now, is an opportunity for you to rise above fear and suspicion, a weak state of mind, to => courage and trust (in you), a strong state of mind. Abandon the weakness, embrace Strength, strength now (not when/ if she’s back to you sometime in the future).

    Now, as it is, as things are.

    anita

    #434288
    Chau
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    When you say trust in (you), what specifically are you talking about?

    trust in myself on what?

    Clara

    #434289
    anita
    Participant

    edit: rise above fear and suspicion, a weak state of mind, to => empathy and courage and trust (in you and in her), a strong state of mind.

    #434292
    Chau
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    Thank you, I will take some time to sink in this.
    Need to practice how to maintain a strong state of mind

    Clara

    #434293
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Clara:

    I believe it’s Thurs 10:48 am where you’re at, Wed 7:48 pm here. Have a good day, Clara and post again anytime. I’m here.

    anita

    #434295
    Chau
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    Indeed this is morning time for me on my end.

    Things often bubble up at night, I will definitely share again,  how things unfold in the coming weeks

    Have a restful night Anita

    Clara

     

    #434296
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Clara:

    Un-bubble the bubbles at night, and so will I. Thank you, you are welcome, and good to read from you again after all these years. Till next time we talk, good morning/ night.

    anita

    #434298
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Chau

    So you were the one that suggested the break and there has been a couple of months of negativity, perhaps on both sides? And there have been difficulties in the relationship of you blaming her and her feeling like she needs to tip toe around you.

    I’m hesitant to place all of the blame on one person. It is good to recognize your own issues. But perhaps your partner is also contributing to this in some way? Usually it is two people, not just one.

    I’m going to share how I got past difficulties with my partner recently. I hope that in some small way it helps, but I don’t know if it will.

    My partner said some very harsh things because we were having difficulties. For two weeks I took it out on then because I was angry that they had said those harsh things. They said some more very harsh things, suggesting that the relationship might need to end because they couldn’t cope with me being angry.

    To move forward, I needed to forgive my partner for the harsh things they said and act normally in the relationship.

    They needed to work on their own stuff and forgive me for their own resentment too.

    What I have learned of disagreements is that they are all about ego. Focusing only on how we feel and our worries. It is not to help the relationship. It is a game of scoring points almost that soothes the ego. You can win an argument but it tends to harm the relationship. Every time it is saying that the argument is more important than the relationship. If you want to fix a relationship, you have to choose the relationship over the disagreement.

    Difficulties can improve communication in a relationship when you don’t blame each other and admit your own faults and apologize for them. The goal is to work hard to stop making the same mistakes.

    People make mistakes. Everyone does. Focus on fixing your own mistakes. And accepting your partners mistakes as part of who they are. We all have our own pattern. Our own mistakes. But it is the whole that makes us so special and lovable.  You clearly love your partner. Accepting the mistakes along with the person is worth it and when there is no blame and forgiveness the defensiveness goes away.

    Validating each others feelings is very important especially when hurt.

    I feel hurt. I’m sorry that you feel hurt, and for my part in hurting you.

    Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

    #434299
    Helcat
    Participant

    Ultimately, you can have the relationship or cling to hurt feelings. Both cannot exist at the same time. One or the other. And both people need to make this choice.

Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 163 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.