Forum Replies Created
October 18, 2018 at 5:43 am #231665
hi anita and all
thanks for the advice
i have tried to sink in what has happened and eventually i have decided to take a break from her. before that, we were still contacting everyday even after everything was clear. although we were just chatting on random things, but i realized whenever i suspected she was with her gf(she never explicitly told in these few months that she has gone out with her partner, so in a way i feel like any moment can be a time with her partner), i feel pretty uncomfortable
i just needed to recaliberate everything, just to readjust being a friend first. she has also hinted that she wouldnt break up with her partner even if there is someone whom she might be interested in while she was dating.
its been a few days since i stopped contacting her, its a bit uneasy at times. but i think this is the right move, i have this anger and sad emotions that gradually flow out, which isnt good for any kind of relationship, friendship included.
its like a mutual agreement in a way, i did talk to her on a why and we did have a discussion before we stop contacting.
thanks for the advice all along
chauOctober 10, 2018 at 12:53 am #230095
Thanks you for inspiring me
You are right I shouldn’t really hope for this while the situation is actually quite clear. She has a girlfriend, and is not available. That’s all. Thinking back it sounds quite silly, but yea, I think i need to ruminate a bit to realize it.
The quality that you described, sounds like something that I am looking for as well.
Thanks for your kind words as always!
ChauOctober 9, 2018 at 7:55 am #229967
I think you are pretty right haha, I am a pretty monogamous person.
I think at the back of my mind I am still not treating her as just a friend, and thus that’s where the cut off from her comes from. I think it’s more about whether I have made up my mind to really JUST be friend, or cling on to a tiny hope that she actually would break up with her partner and is available later.
I guess if i can adjust my expectation to not treat her as potential girlfriend even when we continue to interact, then we can continue as friends. But if i can’t adjust my expectation and keep lingering on the hope that she will turn to me, then i guess i can’t be friends with her?
I guess that’s about it?
ChauOctober 8, 2018 at 8:02 pm #229863
It does create a bit of distress when I interact with her, I unconsciously built up some expectation towards our interaction, such as expecting some texts from her sooner or later in the day. Or if I don’t hear her from the morning, a sense of uneasiness would build up.
And I am slightly concerned if I get more attached and involved, it will eventually lead me to a point that I feel even harder to detach, it’s alright if she is single, but given that she had a girlfriend I just don’t know if this is where I should be heading to
I think I am scared of falling in love with a person that I shouldn’t.
Mentally I am trying to adjust myself to becoming a friend, keep reminding myself that she has a partner, and that if I just text her when I miss her, it might not be appropriate. It’s hard to eradicate some feelings that I have already established.
She does respond to me, and she does initiate conversation. Now thinking, it’s not easy for her to know at the back of her mind that I might just cut her off anytime, she could have just said we should cut off. But she did say she felt apologetic and so she would let me decide on it, instead of the other way round. In a way, I appreciate how she is mending this.
I totally get it when you say whether it’s worthy of the discomfort associated with maintaining this friendship with her. I will I will need to gauge how discomfort it is for me to continue like this, my decision basically swing from total cut off to maintaining like this day to day, can’t have a concrete answer and thus I don’t want to say it to her in haste
A little bit about her is that I feel very very at ease when talking to her. It’s the basic for a friendship and I think we share similar perspective in a lot of different things. And thus it makes it even harder to let go of her coz I think we can be really really good friends, if we hadn’t developed feelings at some point for each other.
Another thing is the sight or something the suspect of her being with her partner does irritate me. Part of me dislikes it very much, I don’t know since when I attribute a lot of the negative feelings to her having a partner, but I have to say it seems disproportionally strong, given that my friend and I have done nothing that crossed the line.
Hope it’s not too long-winded. Thanks for reading and understanding as always.
Feel free to give me some feedback if there is any
ChauOctober 7, 2018 at 6:29 pm #229629
Equally happy here to read from you. I hope life is treating you well
We did talk about it eventually. I told her it’s not fair that we got close while she had a girlfriend, and the thing that i scared/ hate the most is being the reserve to her relationship. I think a lot of it comes from the betrayal last time too, my senses towards these related situation are basically heightened.
I think as she realized I was angry and upset about her conscious/unconscious hiding of her having a partner, she did confide to me on her relationship history and status. I think part of her really didn’t want to talk about her partner, just because it also consists of lots of negative emotions, involving betrayal, distanced and hurt.
She did say sorry for doing/not doing whatever that we talked about(saying it out earlier, doing something to not lead me on etc). I think part of my trust that, just because i think it really isn’t a topic that she would bring up easily to anyone. But part of me do not, just because i feel like she could easily tell me these even in a causal way, so i feel i was lead on . And also i can’t deny my feelings that i feel used, and hurt and angry.
She did tell me that she thought of developing a relationship with me, until a point where her partner came back to her and thus things got changed.
I don’t know if i should cut her off, while in a way, we are just friends, and also i think i do like talking to her. But part of me feels angry and upset, and i do care for her and i know it’s a difficult time for her.
She knew that i had that thought, of cutting her off. She did say at one point, that she would let me think and decide on it.
So I am kinda stuck now. I am thinking to cut off from her, but part of me, understand what is going on with her and want to support her, but gradually, i feel like it is at an expense of my emotional wellbeing
I hope that makes sense. Thanks so much for reading, looking forward to your next reply
ChauApril 18, 2018 at 6:47 am #202973
Hi Anita and all
Can’t believe i haven’t written anything in 3 months time! hope things are going on well!
I completed my second marathon as planned, and have gone further to go some trail running. I realized these really helped me a lot. While previously i relied more on travelling and seeing new things to give me comfort. Exercising helps me to be in a general state of calmness for most of the time. It’s summer time and i am cutting down to rest my feet as well,
How have you been?
Regarding relationship(well this forum is on relationship), I do have someone who i am interested in, but for some reason i don’t make a very big effort in approaching. and am taking things very lightly. I think one of the things that i have definitely changed after the betrayal, was to take things slower. It’s a lot more obvious at this point, when everything already sunk in.
I don’t know if it’s good or not, well i guess there is no good or not in relationship as long as I am not in a toxic relationship. It’s all about what suits you
While i think the relationship with my parents are a lot more of my highlight now. They still treat me as a little child who needs to call if i am out late(i guess every parents treat their grown up daughters children anyways). While i want to break free of them, I do know they need me and it’s doing everything out of care. Tension still exists, but well, I guess it happens everywhere and I am still seeing the bright side of it.
Anyways, just a short update this time
Hope everything is well
ChauDecember 30, 2017 at 7:02 am #184423
Thanks so much for your prompt reply, as always. Thanks for remembering me too 🙂
I think that makes perfect sense, to attain a win win situation.But I think it takes a lot of wisdom, on both sides, to attain that.Probably still needs some time to figure it out.
I had an experience recently that I want to share, about my ex. The other day i used an essential oil that i brought from Croatia, where i had my very last trip with my ex and that’s where i found out she was cheating on me. i was aware that this particular one was from Croatia but I didn’t realize how it could trigger my memory. I think i had been quite consciously avoiding to use it, but somehow it has been in my drawer long enough for me to forget that i was avoiding it.
I was doing yoga at home with it and suddenly an image popped up which is a scene on the day, i was picking up a flower for my ex. That’s exactly the day when i bought the essential oil and basically that’s the day when everything unfolded. Eventually i went through a mental journey on the things that we did on that day, and the days onwards.
i couldn’t recall much about that day previously. I think it’s too traumatic that i had mentally blocked everything out. And when this particular aroma elicited the images of that day, i couldn’t help but cried for quite a while. and as i was crying i thought ‘finally i could remember things that happened on that day’.
Heart felt quite heavy initially, but eventually it subsided.
I was still able to see my ex and my ex-friend together in social media once in a while, we still have common friends. Sometime i can’t really figure out what i feel when i saw her/ them together, but i know the emotions that i have is a lot milder, which i can easily put aside and focus back on the day.
and i guess from time to time i feel i am unsure of whether i could find someone i could really love and get along? that adds to the feeling of a lot of ‘what if’. What if i didnt’ have those tantrums, would i be with her and would she be the one. always been someone who is quite insure, sounds silly but from time to time, i do think ‘may be being with someone can solve the insecurity’
of course there is another voice and for now I am still on my own(actually quite happily) , just that there are ups and downs and things like these happen
But overall, i can’t complain, came back from the lowest afterall.
I hope life treats you well and that everything is fine on your side too
And yes, just another few days to go and it’s another brand new year
ChauDecember 29, 2017 at 7:43 am #184323
Hi Anita and all
I just wanted to come back and wish you all a lovely Christmas and a wonderful new year 🙂
I am undergoing the training for my second marathon. It is true, marathon is indeed quite addictive.
Family dispute happened recently , and i realized i have reacted very differently to the previous me. Previously I might just accept whatever was presented to me, even though that might has crossed my boundary, i would ask myself to be empathetic and understanding and just accept things as how it is. But this time, i refused and i stood strong.
Regarding whether i was right or wrong in that particular subject matter I am not 100% sure, I guess afterall it’s just a matter of perspective. But i think, I refuse to let that negativity to get inside me, which i believe is something that caused my depressed mood while i broke up with my ex, and turned outward instead.
I find it quite hard to draw that line on when you should let go of what you think is right, so that you don’t hurt someone whom you care. Vs when to stand firm and protect your own well being, particularly when what you want conflict with what the other person wants.
reviewing on what i have done in 2017, i feel that this is a great year of growth. Last year i was shattered by the betrayal. This year I have backpack and travelled around for months, which is definitely in my wish list. and that i have done the marathon which is really out of my expectation. I was told by one runner before that it would be too hard for me to run marathon, yet i have done it and is going another one very soon.
Hopefully the coming year we all have enough difficult and blissful time to make it a fruitful year of growth.
Take very good care and have a lovely holdiay
ChauOctober 2, 2017 at 1:12 am #171219
coming back to tell that i have finished the marathon yesterday!
the course was a bit more difficult than i had thought, but i just kept telling myself to run forward regardless. in fact, i felt quite alright the entire way, all the preparation, both mental and physical ones, allowed me to keep going despite some ups and downs. its hard to imagine that i am leas to here a year ago!
regarding your explanation, it may be right, but i think these exist only in my mind and i cant really figure whether this is true or not, may be its me having this idea that they want to treat if as if no harm done( which after you said it, i do have this impression that this is what they are trying to make me think)
anyways, i am so happy that i have done it, and am thinkng to keep this running habit, it calms my mind
hope things are good on your side. all the best
chauSeptember 18, 2017 at 1:35 am #169068
Hi Anita and all
Can’t believe it’s almost 3 months since I last dropped a message!
I hope by now Anita’s walking fast and healthy like before
I have always wanted to come back to leave a message, just want to say hi or just simply to update my life to you a bit
I have been actively engaged in my marathon training, been quite nervous and unsure if I can finish it by the time limit, but well, it’s in 2 week’s time so i guess whatever that I can do, I have done it already. (having said that i still feel nervous thinking of the race)
and as for the new person, I think we are still friends and I still enjoy talking to her, but minus the feelings or hope for romantic relationship, which i feel proud to have adjusted well =)
Yesterday I had a nightmare dreaming of my ex and my ex-fd, both of them seemed to be very friendly and kind towards me, but it is exactly how they look from the outside that scared the hell out of me. I remember having this feeling of trying to be normal and nice to them yet when i see their seemingly friendly face, I can’t help but asked ‘what do you two want from me?” I guess if they acted evil i would have thought otherwise. And I cried in the dream and realized i woke up crying heavily too.
I think I am so traumatized by the incongruity between the outlook and the inside of a person, thinking if i might have trust issue later on.
But once I get up, and back to my conscious self, it feels like nothing have happened, just an episode that quickly subsidized.
Anyways, I hope all is well with everyone, will share again if I can successfully complete my very first marathon.
All the best
ChauJune 27, 2017 at 7:34 pm #155348
Dear Pearce Hawk
Thanks for such a beautiful metaphor. I think, and hope that i am on the right path. But I guess there are ups and downs along the way. relationship and emotions have always been my archille’s heels, it can drag me to a space where i find it hard to stay sane.
But I guess i always try to stop and think a bit before i act in general, it’s hard for someone who is very sentimental and full of feelings, yet i think i am practicing it.
Icing helps, and rest more! you can also stay with us and talk with us =)
Indeed it is just a very causal communication. we just talked about each other’s life in general, ocassionally something about our value etc. i think it’s mainly because we talk consistently for half a year, it’s just like habit, that i feel comfortable with. and talking to this person, for some reason even on the first time that we met, i felt very very at ease, which is quite unusual. I guess she was not someone on my to-date list, so much younger and i don’t often get attracted to people with her outlook, she did help me break some boundaries, in terms of who to look for in a romantic relationship.
But in any case, I can keep on fantasizing, you are right too, my peace of mind is so hard to attain that I need to safeguard.
she can be a good friend, just not now, not when I would fantasize a romantic relationship could happen while she stated that she treated me as good friend.
I look forward to having such mutual love too, hope i can tell you at some point of my life
Take very good care
ChauJune 27, 2017 at 9:30 am #155260
Thanks for reading and replying, I didn’t expect anyone would go back to posts dated back so long ago to understand my story, just for that I would like to say thank you =)
I did think of meeting, as you probably have seen it from time to time my struggle. Yet I don’t want anything to disturb my peace of mind, or to be more precise, I think there is a very high risk that I would be very disturbed after seeing her. and I don’t want that, I want to let the feelings die down a bit before I really meet her, if i ever would.
I guess you have mentioned a key point too, that you said I could tell her that I have moved on. Which from the fact that I still dreamed of her when my real life was in distress, might actually mean that I haven’t really moved on. and that’s where my fear comes in.
I am sorry to know that you have hurt your feet! I also had a small injury since I jogged a bit too much some time ago, and that three weeks was a torture indeed.
I wish you a speedy recovery.
You are very right, I want to lose that hope. and the only way to do it is to withdraw from her. and I don’t want any drama, since she has made it clear i probably should do something to make my boundary clear too. and you are spot on with my longing for love too. and since this hope for love with this friend is lost, I began to imagine previous scenarios where they were closest to my idea of loving relationship, which is my ex.
I guess as time passes by i feel that it is very hard to find someone whom i truly love, and love me in return too. It’s been a year since i broke up, and i haven’t been single for so long for a long time. I guess that’s where the insecurity for uncertainty kicks in
Thanks for all the reply
Take very good care.
ChauJune 26, 2017 at 9:39 pm #155204
hi anita and all
how are you? hope everything is fine =)
kind of becomes and habit that i update here, hope its ok to occupy some airtime from time to time
recently i have become quite close to someone, we always have a very light hearted, supportive conversation and i really enjoy her company. i never imagine myself being able to develeop feelings for someone who is 8 years younger than i am, but she surprised me on her maturity.
but not until recently did we talk about our relationship, she wanted to remain friends while i have told her i developed my liking and attachment on her. i appreciate the honesty and i also am happy that at least i got an answer for my question.
its been two weeks since we talked about it. she did ask if i want to adjust how we interacted, we basically txt everyday still, sometime more, sometime less depending on the day. i couldnt have a conclusion at the time and i kind of wanted to see how i would feel afterwards before any adjustment is made. but recently i feel the urge to cut the tie, primarily to cut off the attachment for her. for me, i dont txt a fd everyday, updating myself and each other’s life on a daily basis. i do want to recalibrate the relationship, i feel like she would be a good fd, if i could adjust the feeling.
but as i am preparing to initiate the conversation, i feel the insecurity bubbling, may be deep down i am afraid of losing it all, well, while i havent even got it.
i do doubt if this is necessary at time, but i am quite sure this is insecurity talking to me. and so as i think ahead, i am thinking what i need to do to prepare myself.
i did dream of my cheating ex, and kept thinking of reaching out to her these days, i think i am scared of losing this tie with this person would make me feel lonely etc
well but u guess its quite clear to me after i type it out, i just want some insight on how to better prepare myself if you can think of any idea.
well other than that, life is good. been jogging extensively and work wise i am progessing well, proud that my project is developing well
look forward to speak to you again
chauMay 1, 2017 at 6:48 pm #147621
I think after a night’s sleep i get better.
probably I have building up some tension inside me that i didn’t really realized, to a point that i felt a bit overwhelmed.
the old feelings are very deep i could sense, yet the new ones are not too strong in way.
but I will try to stabilize myself, and continue to choose and establish the new way
Thanks Anita, have a good night on your side
ChauMay 1, 2017 at 9:22 am #147509
Thanks for your kind words.
I realized i fluctuate quite a bit after i decided to just ignore the message.
I still didn’t reply , i wanted to at some point, and i even typed out something, but i didn’t send it out in the end.
I was so bothered that I unblocked her today, and checked on her facebook, I finally realized why.
I saw that she seemed to be all very well, i guess much better than the time when we were together, our relationship seemed to be quite a toxic one anyways. When i found that she was all well and txted me, i realized probably i have assumed that something happened, possibly something bad happened, that she wanted to reach out and find me, and that she needed help. or may be she has broken up with my ex-friend, and that she just came to find me, or may be she misses me? i don’t even know, anyhow, i catastrophized that bad things happened and that I didn’t know what and how to deal with it. and i probably felt guilty about it as well, for not replying. and may be i am missing out on someone who still had a chance with me to recitify the wrongdoing?
and i was bothered for so long
and now I think may be she…wants to be friends or something? while she is all well and strong, and possibly still with my friend, she wants to be friends with me? i really doubt if she has considered whether it’s appropriate and whether i was ready, all this terrible thing that happened, it’s more like she feels like she was ready so she reached out, while she didn’t realize the magnitude of the damage that she has done.
I was looking at her picture, but all i felt was everything other than love. I mean when you look someone you love, a warm feeling comes naturally from your heart, you see her smile and you would smile. But when i look her new pictures, all i felt were negative feelings such as envy? distrusting, anger etc. they aren’t positive at all, which clearly tells me that i shouldn’t get in touch with her.
I guess her intent, as you said, is totally irrelevant, but for some reason my well-being was bothered by her intent.
I don’t know why, i think there is something inside me that is still disorganized or unclear about it, that i would allow this to bother me for so long.
it even made me want to withdraw from my new date.
I don’t know if it makes sense but i guess it fluctuates?
Thanks for reading Anita,