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I met a girl who has a partner

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  • #229549
    Chau
    Participant

    Hi Anita and all

    It’s been very long time. I hope all is well

    just think the last chapter of my life is over, so i probably should start a new topic, on what i recently encountered in terms of relationship

    Just to quote in here what i previously wrote, in case anyone is interested or wants some reminder

    New page of life

     

    Ever since i was last in a relationship,  i dated a couple of people but nothing too serious. So it’s been a good two years since i was in a serious relationship.

    I recently got quite close with a person, we have been talking mainly on texts for a few months, and we have gone out a few times until she disclosed at some point(i would say with ambiguity at first) that she had girlfriend.( i am a girl FYI)

    I was quite shocked with that just because with our everyday conversation, she had never disclosed that she had a girlfriend.  Eventually i did ask some related questions and gradually she unfolded everything. Basically when she met me she was on a break/broke up with her partner, and later on , her partner came back to her and they got together.

    The news about her gf came in a few weeks ago, and the whole picture was clear two days ago.

    I have to say i quite like her, we were able to get along pretty well both in texts and in person. and I knew i grew attached to her as well, and so did her. She, accordingly to her, was in a pretty distanced relationship with her partner. Her partner has been flipflopping for quite a while between her and the partner’s ex, and had broken up for a few times.

    Anyways after hearing what she explained, i find myself baffled. It seems to make sense but not making much sense.

    When she was explaining, I had a sense that she had no choice but to do so, because she knew i might leave if she didn’t, she said she was treating me as a very good friend, and we definitely can be good friends given that we got along quite well. But if she were able to tell me things like this earlier, i would feel a lot better. This has also reminded me to a certain extend, what i was feeling when i was cheated.

    Today i told her, that i woke up at 5am, and for some unknown reason i can’t explain, i started crying. I don’t even know what to expect when i said this, she was trying to comfort me in her way. But it just feels weird now.

    and I have a very strong sense of resentment when i suspected that she was going out with her gf, i think that resentment is similar to the one i experienced previously when my gf cheated. and i don’t feel like this is even legitimate, i am simply not her girlfriend.

    I thought of just break off from her. but for some reason, i  can’t decide on it. We are still talking like normal, but I am thinking my resentment might be building up. and this is really dangerous as well since it reminds me of my previous betrayal of my ex, as well as the possibility of things so downhill

    Thoughts?

    Appreciate some reminders

    Thanks and take very good care

     

    Chau

    #229567
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Chau:

    Welcome back and good to read from you!

    I wish this woman friend has told you from the very beginning the situation with her ex girlfriend. If it was just over when she started communicating with you, I would  imagine it was significant enough to share with you, as a friend and a potential girlfriend, that a previous relationship just ended. And when it resumed, she should have told you clearly, not vaguely, from the very beginning. I understand your resentment. I think you need a very honest, transparent woman as your future girlfriend.

    Maybe you should share with her how you feel about the situation, see how she responds?

    anita

    #229629
    Chau
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    Equally happy here to read from you. I hope life is treating you well

    We did talk about it eventually. I told her it’s not fair that we got close while she had a girlfriend, and the thing that i scared/ hate the most is being the reserve to her relationship. I think a lot of it comes from the betrayal last time too, my senses towards these related situation are basically heightened.

    I think as she realized I was angry and upset about her conscious/unconscious hiding of her having a partner, she  did confide to me on her relationship history and status. I think part of her really didn’t want to talk about her partner, just because it also consists of lots of negative emotions, involving betrayal, distanced and hurt.

    She did say sorry for doing/not doing whatever that we talked about(saying it out earlier, doing something to not lead me on etc). I think part of my trust that, just because i think it really isn’t a topic that she would bring up easily to anyone. But part of me do not, just because i feel like she could easily tell me these even in a causal way, so i feel i was lead on . And also i can’t deny my feelings that i feel used, and hurt and angry.

    She did tell me that she thought of developing a relationship with me, until a point where her partner came back to her and thus things got changed.

    I don’t know if i should cut her off, while in a way, we are just friends, and also i think i do like talking to her. But part of me feels angry and upset, and i do care for her and i know it’s a difficult time for her.

    She knew that i had that thought, of cutting her off. She did say at one point, that she would let me think and decide on it.

    So I am kinda stuck now. I am thinking to cut off from her, but part of me, understand what is going on with her and want to support her, but gradually, i feel like it is at an expense of my emotional wellbeing

    I hope that makes sense. Thanks so much for reading, looking forward to your next reply

    Cheers

    Chau

     

     

    #229773
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Chau:

    In my mind, her behavior is not a deal breaker, wouldn’t be with me at this point in my  life. Like you I understand people are afraid, uncomfortable, at times selfish and unaware, and her misleading of you was not well thought of and therefore it was not devious. I would say, get to know her more as a friend. But notice, if it distresses you too much, don’t.

    Thing is we won’t do much in life if we avoided anything and everything that distresses us. Sometime we have to endure distress and proceed. Is this friendship worth it, worth enduring your distress? Maybe yes, maybe not. I think that you will soon find out. I hope to read more from you about this friendship (and about anything else) soon enough.

    Take good care of yourself, I will do the same.

    anita

    #229863
    Chau
    Participant

    Thanks Anita

    It does create a bit of distress when I interact with her, I unconsciously built up some expectation towards our interaction, such as expecting some texts from her sooner or later in the day. Or if I don’t hear her from the morning, a sense of uneasiness would build up.

    And I am slightly concerned if I get more attached and involved, it will eventually lead me to a point that I feel even harder to detach, it’s alright if she is single, but given that she had a girlfriend I just don’t know if this is where I should be heading to

    I think I am scared of falling in love with a person that I shouldn’t.

    Mentally I am trying to adjust myself to becoming a friend, keep reminding myself that she has a partner, and that if I just text her when I miss her, it might not be appropriate. It’s hard to eradicate some feelings that I have already established.

    She does respond to me, and she does initiate conversation. Now thinking, it’s not easy for her to know at the back of her mind that I might just cut her off anytime, she could have just said we should cut off. But she did say she felt apologetic and so she would let me decide on it, instead of the other way round. In a way, I appreciate how she is mending this.

    I totally get it when you say whether it’s worthy of the discomfort associated with maintaining this friendship with her. I will I will need to gauge how discomfort it is for me to continue like this, my decision basically swing from total cut off to maintaining like this day to day, can’t have a concrete answer and thus I don’t want to say it to her in haste

    A little bit about her is that I feel very very at ease when talking to her. It’s the basic for a friendship and I think we share similar perspective in a lot of different things. And thus it makes it even harder to let go of her coz I think we can be really really good friends, if we hadn’t developed feelings at some point for each other.

    Another thing is the sight or something the suspect of her being with her partner does irritate me. Part of me dislikes it very much, I don’t know since when I attribute a lot of the negative feelings to her having a partner, but I have to say it seems disproportionally strong, given that my friend and I have done nothing that crossed the line.

    Hope it’s not too long-winded. Thanks for reading and understanding as always.

    Feel free to give me some feedback if there is any

     

    Cheers

    Chau

     

    #229941
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Chau:

    You are welcome. The problem I see in you continuing the friendship with her, is that you are a very monogamous kind of person. I think you focus on one woman, be it an ex girlfriend or a potential future girlfriend, and you stay focused on that one woman, not being emotionally available to meet someone else. This leads me to think that in the context of a friendship with this woman, you will be waiting and waiting for her to see you as a good option for her as a girlfriend, to separate from her partner and turn to you.

    This dynamic cannot be congruent with a friendship. It is more like you auditioning for the position of a girlfriend. If I am correct, if I am, then a non-romantic friendship with her is not possible, not until and unless you have another girlfriend.

    But then, how will you have another girlfriend if you are focused on her…

    anita

    #229967
    Chau
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    I think you are pretty right haha, I am a pretty monogamous person.

    I think at the back of my mind I am still not treating her as just a friend, and thus that’s where the cut off from her comes from.  I think it’s more about whether I have made up my mind to really JUST be friend, or cling on to a tiny hope that she actually would break up with her partner and is available later.

    I guess if i can adjust my expectation to not treat her as potential girlfriend even when we continue to interact, then we can continue as friends. But if i can’t adjust my expectation and keep lingering on the hope that she will turn to me, then i guess i can’t be friends with her?

    I guess that’s about it?

    Chau

    #229969
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Chau:

    When the hope is for love, there is no such thing as “a tiny hope”. The need to love and be loved cannot be tiny, not when we have needed it  for too long. I would say, probably, “that’s about it”. I think you need to aim at meeting a woman who is available, honest, straightforward and interested in a monogamous love relationship, just  like you. Aim at it, then proceed with a sensible plan toward achieving that aim.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by anita.
    #230095
    Chau
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    Thanks you for inspiring me

    You are right I shouldn’t really hope for this while the situation is actually quite clear. She has a girlfriend, and is not available. That’s all. Thinking back it sounds quite silly, but yea, I think i need to ruminate a bit to realize it.

    The quality that you described, sounds like something that I am looking for as well.

    Thanks for your kind words as always!

    Chau

     

     

    #230159
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Chau:

    You are welcome. I think that a healthy,  loving relationship can be an objective attended to with intent and a plan, similar to a professional objective. Relationships don’t have to be a random thing, a hit and miss thing.

    anita

    #231665
    Chau
    Participant

    hi anita and all

    thanks for the advice

    i have tried to sink in what has happened and eventually i have decided to take a break from her. before that, we were still contacting everyday even after everything was clear. although we were just chatting on random things, but i realized whenever i suspected she was with her gf(she never explicitly told in these few months that she has gone out with her partner, so in a way i feel like any moment can be a time with her partner), i feel pretty uncomfortable

    i just needed to recaliberate everything, just to readjust being a friend first. she has also hinted that she wouldnt break up with her partner even if there is someone whom she might be interested in while she was dating.

    its been a few days since i stopped contacting her, its a bit uneasy at times. but i think this is the right move,<span class=”Apple-converted-space”>  </span>i have this anger and sad emotions that gradually flow out, which isnt good for any kind of relationship, friendship included.

    its like a mutual agreement in a way, i did talk to her on a why and we did have a discussion before we stop contacting.

    thanks for the advice all along

    cheers

    chau

    #231683
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Chau:

    You are welcome. Reads like a good choice. Anger and discomfort are not congruent with a friendship. I wish she was straightforward with you from the very beginning. You need that from a person.

    anita

    #388528
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Chau:

    Is there a chance that you are still visiting tiny buddha once in a while, I wonder..  it’s been just over 3 years since you posted last. I am curious to know how your life is like now. It will be so good to read from you again!

    anita

    #388734
    anna
    Participant

    <p class=”q-text qu-display–block”>You should stop lying to yourself and move on.</p>
    <p class=”q-text qu-display–block”>Yes, I know you said “I can’t move on.” That’s a lie. You can move on. You just don’t want to.</p>
    <p class=”q-text qu-display–block”>You should understand that what you’re feeling has been felt by seven billion other people. This is part of being human. As you go through life, you will fall for people who are not available. This will hurt. You move on. Your ability to move on is one of the markers of an emotionally mature adult.</p>

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