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What is some advice for an almost 32-year-old virgin?

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  • #434434
    Franco
    Participant

    I’m 31 and turning 32 on October 9, considered attractive by many, yet I’m a virgin who has never been in a relationship. I lead a normal life, am sociable, and run a small business, but my lack of intimate experience weighs heavily on me. I’m interested in a 28-year-old woman, but I fear she might reject me due to my inexperience. The feeling of shame is overwhelming, and as time passes, I worry it’s too late for me. This situation stems from a past rejection that led me to avoid pursuing relationships, causing my insecurities to mount. Recently, I met a woman who works in a local shop, and I’m very drawn to her—it’s been years since I’ve felt this way about anyone; I even dreamt about her one night 🙂 . Please excuse any errors in my English. I understand that many women might be reluctant to date older male virgins, according to what I’ve read online. I’m open to any advice.

    • This topic was modified 2 weeks, 3 days ago by tinybuddha.
    #434440
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Franco

    I’m sorry to hear that you feel ashamed of still being a virgin. There is nothing to be ashamed of. My husband was a late bloomer. He is very well rounded and an awesome person. You sound like one too. 😊

    It sounds like a good thing that you are interested in getting over your fear of rejection and asking a woman out. I assume that you have already been talking with this woman? What were you thinking of saying when asking her out? What is acceptable in your culture?

    The rejection that you experienced before, was it particularly bad that caused you to isolate yourself?

    There is no neon sign indicating that you are a virgin, so it won’t affect asking someone out. You don’t need to share that information until you get to know someone more deeply.

    Advice I heard from a therapist about getting over fear of rejection was to ask 100 random women out on a busy street. I don’t know if this is culturally appropriate though. The idea is you get some yeses. Some nos. And get used to rejection. It can be easier coming from someone that you are not interested in and never see them again. You don’t really have to get to 100 either. Just as long as is needed for the message to sink in.

    What about rejection makes you afraid? How does the idea of it make you feel?

    Dating really is a numbers game, like a lottery. It is a search for someone that you are compatible with and it is not personal if the individual doesn’t feel that there is compatibility.

    To understand more about the importance of compatibility, consider what you are looking for in a partner? What aren’t you looking for?

    Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

    #434449
    Franco
    Participant
    1. I’ve had some short chat with her, and I was thinking of going to talk in person where she work when she is alone in the shop  to break the ice, and after a few days send a message on istagram and tell her that I like to know  her better, if She seems interested I will ask her out for a coffe or a drink.
    2. The rejection hurt so much at the time that I don’t pursued any romantic relationship, in retrospect I know that I shouldn’t react in that way I was young and naive 10 years ago,but insecurities stopped me
    3. The fear I had  In the last years  are that girls thinking bad of me because of my lack of experiences
    #434457
    Tommy
    Participant

    Dear Franco,

    As a man of 32, that was the age I met my wife. I immediately knew I wanted her. So, I just broke out of my old mold. And said I like you alot. I said a lot of silly stuff about how looking at her has turn my head around that I see no other woman in my life. If you find yourself questioning your ability to talk to her then you will fail. Be confident in yourself. Forget about your insecurities. Rejection only hurts for a moment. Being alone can last a lifetime. So, go. What to talk about? Ask for her ideas about relationships? Should a guy keep pictures of his ex girlfriend when he is living with his present girlfriend? Make it like you value her opinion. Something like I would like your help. I met this woman that I am very interested in, say you think the woman is beautiful and should I ask her to have coffee with me? Then ask her to have coffee with you. You can be silly to break the ice. If she says yes then go have coffee and talk. Ask her questions about her, not talk about you.

    Rejection? It is okay to be rejected. A no thank you is not a bad thing. Only bad is if she thinks you are a creep. Don’t be creepy. No one thinks bad of a virgin. The first always means more than everyone that follows. And most people appreciate it. Stop the fear and go head first into this. If you want practice then look at youtube.com Search “Charisma”, learn not to be shy.

    Tommy

    #434481
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Franco:

    I fear she might reject me due to my inexperience… The feeling of shame is overwhelming… This situation stems from a past rejection that led me to avoid pursuing relationships, causing my insecurities to mount… The rejection hurt so much at the time that I don’t pursued any romantic relationship“-

    – the past rejection you experienced hurt you so much indeed. I am sorry that you experienced so much hurt. And I am sorry that as a result, you experience mounted insecurities, fear and shame.

    “Recently, I met a woman… I’m open to any advice.“- the woman you met, I bet she experiences insecurities too, that she is afraid as well. Maybe she experiences painful shame, or knows someone who does, someone she cares about, and she feels empathy for that person. Maybe when she sees you being shy or whatnot, she’d feel empathy for you too.

    When I was young, I was drawn to shy young men, not to the confident macho kind. And I did not like those who had girlfriends before because that made me feel jealous. Maybe the woman you met would be delighted to know that you lack experience with other women (I would have been, in her shoes).

    I… am sociable, and run a small business“- she may be impressed that you run a small business and that you are sociable, and this may be her focus (different from your focus, which is the experience you lack).

    I was thinking of going to talk in person where she works, when she is alone in the shop, to break the ice, and after a few days, send a message on Instagram and tell her that I like to know  her better, if She seems interested I will ask her out for a coffee or a drink“- reads like a good plan to me.

    My advice: get to know her as a friend to begin with, little by little. Pay attention to what she values, to what she thinks is important in life. See if there is a compatibility before you consider the possibility of a physical relationship.

    anita

     

    #434486
    Tommy
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I would like to say that if a man meets a woman and does not show the intentions of wanting more then trying to be her friend will end up being her friend and nothing more. Without that little spark, that something that makes two people like each other, the relationship will not progress too far. And it has to happen early in the relationship. As I said, I was 32 when I met my wife. I tried that being friends first. You end up being friends and that is it. Showing that attraction and having that spark makes all the difference between a friend in the end and a lover forever. Yes, be confident but not macho. A man needs the confidence to approach and begin a conversation. Have you ever tried to approach a man? In society, it is the man that needs to make eye contact, walk over and say something to pull in the attraction. Rejection weighs heavy in the mind of the man as he has to walk away feeling shame and embarrassment.

    When talking, do not answer questions with one word. Like if she ask you what you do for a living, Answer with several interesting ideas. Like, Baseball players get to travel to other cities and I grew up wanting to be a baseball player so I could travel but I could never hit the ball. So now I sell cardboard boxes. Look into her eyes and say it with a smile. Simple word answer does nothing to give another person to latch onto. To find something in common. To let the other person talk about themselves. Teasing around and playing .. shows a light hearted person. Easy to be around. Likeable.

    Anita gives great advice (she is a great person) but here I think she lacks the experience of being a man and the associated difficulties of social interactions between men and women. It is time for Franco to make himself more sociable. I do not mean to go to learn to become a pick up artist . But, to learn how to be more charismatic. Make yourself into a person others want to be around and you will find it becomes easier to ask a woman to coffee. If you want to start with small conversation alone and the rest of being a friend then that is all you will get. A person would rather be shown a good time rather than asked what to do for a good time. A start up conversation of introducing yourself and asking if you would like to have coffee with me is more direct and shows interest right away. (Youtube.com Charisma on command. They give interesting pointers).

    Tommy

    PS, I am sorry if I interrupt and seem rude.

    #434491
    Franco
    Participant

    thanks to you all for the advice

    #434493
    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, Franco, and please post again anytime you would like more input/ advice.

    anita

    #434497
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Franco

    I think that your plan sounds like a good one! I have learned that everyone has their own unique ways for their own reasons that work for them. I wish you good luck carrying it out. 😊

    I wondered why the rejection hurt so much back then. Was it cruel? Or did you have strong feelings for the person? Were the insecurities still about lack of experience back then or something else?

    It sounds like you are making good progress overcoming your insecurities getting to this point! No longer a naive young man. 😊

    If someone thinks badly about you, they are not compatible with you. Everyone is not compatible and that is okay. The right people will accept you. ❤️

    Some people love peaches, others can’t stand them. You can’t make someone who doesn’t like peaches love a peach.

    When someone rejects you it is secretly a gift because they are preventing you from wasting time and energy on them. Time and energy that can be better spent on other people.

    Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

    #434612
    Franco
    Participant

    I went to the shop where he works with the excuse of refilling but I stopped after a while and got anxious and his colleague started laughing and I think I made a bad impression

    #434613
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Franco:

    You got anxious. Our thinking is not at its best when we’re anxious: maybe her colleague at the shop was laughing, but not at you...?

    You didn’t get to talk to her?

    anita

    #434620
    Franco
    Participant

    I had a small talk with her about the commercial transaction

    Her colleague was Laughing at me because I acted anxious she looked in my eyes, I dont know what to do, I laugh about it know but in that moment I wished to not have existed

    #434621
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Franco:

    I wish the colleague didn’t laugh at you. It’s not only rude but unprofessional for an employee in a business to laugh at a customer visiting the place of business.

    An emotion (e-motion) is energy in-motion, and the energy of fear and shame (embarrassment)  are powerful energies that we need to respect as powerful, on the personal level, no less than the energy of a lightening or a storm.

    I don’t know what to do“- can you message her online? The phone/ computer screen aren’t intimidating: she can’t see you, you can’t see her, no one there to laugh at you as you type out a message..?

    anita

    #434623
    Franco
    Participant

     

    Maybe I’ll think about it later, for now I don’t want to think about it for a few days,

    #434624
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Franco:

    Understandable. Like I said, strong emotions are like internal powerful storms, that’s why it’s not possible to wish them away. Have to recover after a powerful storm. I hope you rest well, and when you are ready, maybe we can talk about Emotion Regulation: it’s about regulating/ calming strong emotions.

    anita

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