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What is some advice for an almost 32-year-old virgin?

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Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 35 total)
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  • #434629
    Franco
    Participant

    I thank you for your availability, we can talk about it whenever you want. at a certain point I remember pretending to cough out of embarrassment 🙂 even a friend of mine told me not to think about it because it doesn’t mean that girl thinks badly of me and to try contacting her on Instagram

    #434630
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Franco:

    Part of my recent availability is that I have Covid since yesterday and can’t go out..

    I like it that you place some humor into what happened, good thing! Humor is one way to regulate emotions. There is no way to make emotions go away, but there are ways to regulate them.

    even a friend of mine told me not to think about it because it doesn’t mean that girl thinks badly of me“- looking at a situation that you interpreted a certain way, and asking yourself: is there another way to interpret this situation? is part of emotion regulation (part of CBT: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). It’s about seeking the correct, true interpretation of events instead of making assumptions.

    Like I wrote to you before, maybe she likes shy guys, maybe her focus would be on your strengths, not on your weaknesses. I don’t know, but neither do you, unless you find out. We can talk more about this tomorrow.

    anita

     

    #434648
    Franco
    Participant

    yes last night I Don’t have rested very well because I was thinking of it, I took a nap in the afternoon and now I feel better. we can talk when you want about Emotion Regulation.
    a friend of mine the only person who know that I like this girl,after I told what happened yesterday have told me to not catastrophize the event because It happen frequently when a man is interested in a woman to act a little awkward happen to everybody, sometimes talking with a friend is helpful he suggested like you play the card of message her on istagram, but I don’t know what to write to start the conversation, life is short I want to know her =)

    #434651
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Franco:

    a friend of mine… told me to not catastrophize the event because It happens frequently when a man is interested in a woman to act a little awkward, happens to everybody“- when he said this to you, did you feel better/ calmer, as a result?

    If you felt calmer, it means that hearing his words regulated your emotions of anxiety, embarrassment, etc.

    What your friend did was take the same event that had upset you so much, and offered a different way of looking at it. Your way of looking at the event was something like this: I am one of the most unacceptably awkward man in the world,  and that’s why I was laughed at, and now, the girl knows how unacceptable I am.

    These thoughts understandably, cause and fuel painful feelings of shame, despair, etc.

    Your friend introduced different thoughts, paraphrased: You are not the only man in the world that feels awkward when approaching a woman, everyone feels awkward.

    Same event; different interpretations.

    When you notice next time that you feel anxious about a situation, ask yourself: is there a different (and possibly true) way of looking at this situation? Look at it from a different angle, see the bigger picture. This is part o Emotion Regulation.

    sometimes talking with a friend is helpful“- talking to a helpful friend is one way to regulate your emotions.

    So is journaling, listening to calming music, taking a brisk walk outdoors, drinking hot tea, following guided meditations, doing yoga, Tai-Chi, and more.

    he suggested… message her on Instagram, but I don’t know what to write to start the conversation, life is short I want to know her“- you can message her that you want to get to know her. Did your friend suggest a message?

    anita

    #434652
    Franco
    Participant

    I saw from the profile photos that this girl has been to Berlin and other places that I would like to visit, I could ask her for information on these destinations since I was thinking of visiting them, if she recommends them to me and maybe start a conversation from there, or go direct and write I’d like to know you if you like

    #434653
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Franco.

    The big thing that you should take from the encounter is that she looked into your eyes.

    This means that she has no hang ups about meeting someones gaze.

    #434662
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Franco:

    I like the direct, honest way. I am guessing there’ll be anxiety on your part whichever way you go (direct or indirect), so it’s not like the indirect way will be anxiety-free.

    Plus the indirect way can bring confusion, as she may not know for sure what it is that you are looking for, and you may get confused about her replies, not knowing for sure if she is interested in you or not.

    anita

    #434676
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Franco

    I agree with your friend. I remember the first time I spoke to my husband. He liked my accent and would get nervous when I spoke. So, to make him comfortable I mostly asked questions to encourage him to speak, so he would not feel as nervous. It didn’t put me off that he was nervous, it just meant that he liked me and that was nice being liked enough for someone to be nervous.

    When I am nervous, there is another way that is helpful to reframe it. I am excited because something good might come of this.

    I also like to prepare when I am nervous. No caffeine or sugar before. Sometimes I drink chamomile tea. Shake my body for 30 seconds to a couple of minutes (longer is more effective). Do 10 big yawns. Massage the base of the skull and back of the neck. Splash cold water on my face. These things are science based and very helpful for regulating the nervous system and calming down quickly.

    I like your idea of discussing Berlin. It was a good idea to prepare some conversation to make you less nervous too. Well done on staying positive and preparing to give things another try. 😊

    Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

    #434694
    Franco
    Participant

    I was thinking of writing her this message: hello, can I ask you for some information, I saw from your photos that you were in Berlin, since we were organizing a trip with some friends of mine we were thinking of taking it into consideration as a destination, would you recommend it to me? Or write to her directly that I would like it I don’t know how to know her better, tell me. or I know that she is from a small town near mine, I saw that we have mutual friends on social media, I would like to ask these friends if they know her well in person and maybe let me meet her in person, because honestly I don’t feel comfortable where she works

    #434697
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Franco

    Well, are you considering a trip to Berlin or is it a lie to talk to her? She may not understand your intent to get to know her more. She may just think that you are trying to arrange a trip. Or down the road see that you were just lying about arranging a trip if you aren’t truly arranging one.

    How do you normally talk to people on social media when you aren’t trying to date them? You said that you are a social person. Treat this like a normal social situation. You are just speaking to another person. Women really enjoy being spoken to like they are just people because we are just people.

    It is perfectly acceptable to strike up a conversation about travelling. To talk about places you have been to. To talk about places that you would like to go to. To ask her about all of these things.

    Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

    #434698
    Franco
    Participant

    I forgot to add that even though we had very brief conversations we never formally introduced ourselves but I think it’s a negligible detail, or I introduce myself in the message but I don’t think it’s necessary because the name and surname are already out on social media

    #434708
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Franco:

    I know it’s scary to be direct, but that’s why I suggested you do it via a message and not in-person. You wrote in your original post: “Recently, I met a woman who works in a local shop, and I’m very drawn to her—it’s been years since I’ve felt this way about anyone“.

    You can send her an honest and direct message like this: I met you in (the name of the local shop she works in), and I felt very drawn to you. It’s been years since I felt this way about anyone. I feel awkward sharing this with you because we never even introduced ourselves to each other. Can we meet for coffee (you can state the name of a local coffee shop)?

    anita

    #434832
    Franco
    Participant

    yesterday the girl i like has watched for the first time a story on my IG profile, and I received a like On a picture of myself but with the profile of the business where she work, I don’t know if was her or the colleague they are the only people who work there 🙂

    #434833
    Franco
    Participant

    “Yesterday, the girl I like watched a story on my IG profile for the first time. I also received a like on a picture of myself, but it was from the business profile where she works. I’m not sure if it was her or her colleague, as they are the only people who work there. :)”

     

     

    #434840
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Franco: That’s encouraging! Time to send her a message?

    anita

Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 35 total)

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