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February 15, 2020 at 12:29 pm #338428HannahParticipant
I have no idea if this thread is still being looked at but I swear this is the only discussion on the internet that has understood what I’ve been going through.
I’m not often quick to trust in relationships, and it takes me a while to warm up to someone. Two years ago I met a man who became my best friend for over a year. He was there for me in every way, and we slowly became inseperable. People would even joke they would come to our wedding, before we had even considered dating. We then decided to forego our friendship and become girlfriend/boyfriend, as it just seemed a matter of time – it was magnetic.
Soon, for the first time, I felt I had met the love of my life. And as I say, I’m incredibly cautious usually (it once took me months to even call a guy I was dating my boyfriend!), but this was all so easy, relaxed and natural. Not only was it electric and incredible, he also challenged me and confronted me in ways I needed. It was hard work and very rewarding. Without even thinking about it I assumed we’d be together for years. It felt like a relationship I could grow in and really learn about myself and him.
Then in December, a week after our lovely one year anniversary, it was like an emotional shutter came down. It was like I didn’t recognise him. I tried to look at pictures of him to remind myself how I felt, because I had absolutely, completely forgotten how I had loved him. I felt nothing. It was horrifying.
I tried so much. I tried casual time away from him, I spent weekends with him, I went on dates with him. Like people have said above, when I have been with him I have felt that love sometimes come back, sometimes intensely, sometimes briefly. Sometimes I wanted space, sometimes I felt so keen to see him. But all the while I couldn’t stop analysing myself, keeping an eye on my feelings, how I felt, measuring whether the love was coming back or not. Like obsessive analysing behaviour. But overall I thought things were really improving.
Then I went away to visit my family, and since that point my mind has been OBSESSED with breaking up with him. Just so I can stop this anxious spiral of analysis going through my mind; I just had to own that the love I once had still was not there.
We are now on a month’s solid break without communication, until I start figuring this out. It has been helpful to have the space. I have started seeing a counsellor for help in this as I believe this is deeply psychological. I very well may be a very severe case of “avoidant attachment”, as mentioned before. Perhaps being away from him has made this worse?
The worst thing about this is that THIS HAS HAPPENED BEFORE to me, in a previous relationship, around the same timescale. I had certain reservations about that boyfriend, and so when it ended I let it happen, but still it was a similar thing. A revelation, instantaneously, that I couldn’t be with him anymore and it needed to end. Not clear as to why, but you should.
I hope this is not a continuing issue for anyone else above. This has absolutely decimated my home life, career, sleep and confidence. I’ve come to terms that the only way left is to let the relationship go mentally, stop trying, and see what feelings naturally come back. At the very least I have to hope that with the help of my counsellor I can get to the root of this, as it feels like nothing stops this happening again to the next potential partner.
Any and all advice is greatly appreciated. It is wonderful to know I’m not the only person who has gone through this horrific experience. I thought I was going mad.