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July 10, 2019 at 10:00 am #302757ValerieParticipant
I recently found this thread and although my story is not exactly the same, I would like to share it and hopefully get some advice because I feel like my ex may be going through the same situation.
He and I have been dating for almost a year (11 months to be exact). It ended last November. Everything was perfect. He had to travel for his master degree. From the beginning of our relation (we started as friends for three months and then made it official on the fourth one) he told me he planned on traveling to earn his masters and that it would only be a couple of months (11 months). I was fine with it. Besides, I had a year ahead before he left. He flew abroad in September. Everything was perfect. We spoke every day and every hour as if he was still there so if felt like the distance didn’t exist between us. Three months into the LD he called me to tell me he is having a hard time and that he misses me a lot and that the distance isn’t easy for him. We spoke and said we would work on it. Three weeks from that call, he ended things. He said he doesn’t know why but he just doesn’t feel the same; that he doesn’t love me anymore. That the spark he once had is gone. It broke my heart. Mind you, we were supposed to meet in a month when he broke it off. I tried to make him understand that distance does that to people and that’s when we should be stronger than ever. He refused to listen and said he doesn’t think that seeing me would make his feelings come back (not determined, he just thought this). First thing I thought was that maybe he met someone. My ex and I have always been honest with each other. It was our authenticity with one another that made our bond. If he met someone, he would have told me. That’s a fact. So I asked him and he said there is no one. He cannot explain why, but the feeling was gone. He was supposed to come back to meet his family and friends but he didn’t. He had financial difficulties and couldn’t buy a round ticket back home. After the breakup I gave him some space and waited until I was ready to contact him again. Hoping when I did he would have felt differently… He did not. Eventually we spoke regularly. It felt as if we were still together. The more we spoke, the more he got confused about his feelings. He then explained to me that he is unsure of his feelings and that it may just be the distance. He said he still cares a lot for me. So, we both agreed that we would stay in touch and wait until his return in a couple of months to sort this through.
A week ago he told me he was done with his masters and should be coming back home in a month. I was so happy. Then I asked him if he felt excited. That’s when it hurt the most. He said he doesn’t think we can work out because he still doesn’t feel the spark. He said he thought the excitement of coming back would be the answer. He said he is excited to see me, but only as a friend and that he will always care for me. I felt broken. A few weeks ago he was confused of his feelings for me. Now, he says he is sure because of his not so exciting feeling of seeing me again. He explained to me that he believes at first it was the distance. Then with time passing by he just grew with the idea of not having me there and that time passing was what caused all of this. I instantly felt that maybe I shouldn’t have stayed in contact with him and that I should have left him missing out so he can miss me more. But I was too afraid of losing a friend in addition to losing a bf. I still cannot grasp this. My intuition keeps telling me that once he sees me it will all come back. The attraction will return. Moreover, all the while he was there he never dated anyone. All he wanted to do was come back home. Now that he is coming home, he feels that way.
To get back to my very first phrase, I do think that maybe he’s gotten into this avoidant attachment as Ben explained. He is a logical person and doesn’t like letting his emotion control things. Knowing him so well, I do believe that the distance was so hard for him so he grew into avoiding the attachment so he can just go on easily. And since he isn’t back yet, his mind just keep telling him that there is nothing so he can survive this. Which then would explain his lack of excitement. Since his mind has convinced him of this, he believes there is no one to go back to. That he didn’t leave anyone back home. He still has pictures of us together. Plus, he said he wants to see me and hopefully we can have coffee when he gets back. I know that doesn’t mean we will get back. I was just hoping to get more insight from other people who may have experienced this. I also know that it is possible that distance is the sole reason for this. But, by reading this thread, I’ve come to believe that if Ostan was able to find the love back why can’t him and I?
It’s even worse when you’ve been dating someone who has become your best friend. If my presence is unable to spark things up again, I’m afraid I will lose a best friend forever. I won’t be able to stand seeing him with someone else if he meets someone new.
I am opened to all comments.