Dear Ben:

You are welcome and thank you!

(I am adding the boldface feature selectively to the quotes in this post): “I’m finding doubts are becoming quite pernicious. The other day I argued with him…(friend)   fills me with doubts, saying I am being deceived, led on, that I am being naive. If all the drama with the ex happened, how could I have been loved?…  I sometimes wonder if he really does love me or if perhaps he thinks he does. He says the right things, and I feel better. Then, doubt comes along and I start thinking ‘Oh but did he say this to the other guys?’…”-

– These ongoing, pernicious doubts and arguments within your head (does he love me? does he not? here is why not, etc.) read like a product of the very painful experience that you suffered as a boy, the throbbing of that boy’s emotional wound: “I was never recognized as a man by (your father), just as a sort of… idk… mistake…  I don’t love myself … I remember when I was 17, I shouted at him for at least an hour about all the pain he had caused me..  I was drunk after a party… I still create arguments in my head with him.. but… I want to love the world I live in and this negative energy is draining”, October 31, 2018.

This negative energy you referred to more than five years ago is still with you, fueling these doubts and arguments. The boy within you can’t believe, not for long, that he is loved because growing up .. he wasn’t loved by the man who- at the time, and for years-  was the most important person in this boy’s world.

I don’t know what’s on the mind and heart of your boyfriend. It reads, to me that he is sincere and that he loves you, but I do not know for sure, as in 100%. What I do know for sure (100%) is that as a boy, you sincerely and greatly loved your father and he broke your heart. This is and has been the emotional wound that’s fueling this negative energy, this pessimism about the possibility that.. it is possible that you are really loved.

I wish you had quality psychotherapy where this emotional wound can be adequately addressed and healed…!

“At the moment, he is coming to visit in January for a while… I can sense he’s giving me less attention… Even so, he’s called me more or less twice a day for the last week. He sends videos every now and then showing me around the farm and countryside. My mind focuses on the fact the calls are shorter. Then, enter the conspiratorial thoughts… ohhh he’s not talking as much because, now he isn’t alone in his room studying, he doesn’t need me anymore. This proves he doesn’t love me, merely thinks he does”-

– For as long as your emotional wound from childhood is not adequately addressed and healed, you will keep looking for the proof that he (or anyone in his place) doesn’t love you so to protect yourself from the pain of relaxing into love and then falling into despair. The logic of this self protection is that if you don’t relax into his (or anyone’s) love, if you keep yourself ALERT to his possible non-love, then the fall will not hurt as much.

“Maybe as its been a long time I feel a need to reconnect with him properly, without the ex lurking in the background. I hope the visit will help ease my mind somewhat”- It is interesting that it’s not his ex that is lurking in the background as much as it is the man who broke your heart long ago, that is lurking in the background.

I hope that your mind eases even sooner than his visit. I wish it eases today, or tonight and every day,  as you embark on the journey of emotional healing.

anita

Dear Natalia:

In regard to “I need to find out some resources here because I’ve never taken care of a sick older person before, don’t know what do expect“-

– there is a member in the forums who takes care of her sick old father, and seems to have lots of information, resources and experience on the topic. There is no way here to send personal messages to members, but if you start your own thread (go to Forums at the top of the page, scroll down to All Forums, choose a Category, etc.), and choose a title that makes the topic clear (caring for a sick, older parent), I bet she’ll notice and reply to you there.

I hope that you calm down best you can, and that you take care of yourself first, before attending to your mother or to your father. If attending to them distresses you too much.. don’t attend to them, at least not in ways that distress you more than you can handle.

anita

Dear DC:

It’s 7 degrees Celsius here, winter, USA, warmer than normal. It’s Mon 8:44 am here, Tues 12:44 am where you are at. I think that I wished you Merry Christmas a few moments before midnight of Christmas Day. Good night to you, DC, a pleasure to chat with you!

anita

Merry Christmas/ Happy Holidays, EvFran !!!

anita

Merry Christmas/ Happy Holidays, Milda  !!!

anita

M e R R y   C h R i S t M a S,    Mr. Ritz    !!!!

anita

M e R R y    C h R i S t M a S,   L a e l i t h i a   !!!!

anita

Merry Christmas, Dave!

anita