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So confused

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  • This topic has 9 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 1 month ago by Lynn.
Viewing 10 posts - 1 through 10 (of 10 total)
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  • #428205
    Lynn
    Participant

    I met a man about 5 months ago, he was here on business. We live far away but we have talked constantly and seen each other a couple other times within those five months. After we saw each other the last time we decided we should be friends. We kept talking, the whole time I am thinking we are just friends then I get a message saying he needs some time to figure out his feelings and if he wants or needs to be in a relationship right now… I’m sorry.. I thought we were just doing the friend thing!? When did a relationship come back to the table??

    We are both recently divorced and I think he has feelings but with us living so far away and the whole recent divorce thing he may be a bit hesitant. I have always tried to give him his space, hardly ever text this man first and am generally non confrontational, not because I don’t care, I just don’t want to push him out of my life completely.

    So here I am, once again wondering what is going on in the mind of this man who drives my absolutely crazy because I can’t figure him out to save my life!

    I know all I can do is give him time and I’m really not sure I even have a question here, I’m basically just venting about my confusion, lol.

    I mean, could he just be terrified of the whole situation?

    #428210
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lynn:

    After we saw each other the last time we decided we should be friends“- before you saw each other the last time, the two of you were either more than friends, or felt like more than friends.

    We kept talking, the whole time I am thinking we are just friends then I get a message saying he needs some time to figure out his feelings and if he wants or needs to be in a relationship right now.. I’m sorry.. I thought we were just doing the friend thing!? When did a relationship come back to the table??“- it was probably never off the table, not for long. Just because you labeled the relationship “friendship”, as in placing the relationship in a box labeled “friendship”,  does not mean that his feelings or yours fit that box. Feelings have a mind of their own; as the saying goes, the heart wants what the heart wants.

    We are both recently divorced… I just don’t want to push him out of my life completely. So here I am, once again wondering what is going on in the mind of this man who drives me absolutely crazy because I can’t figure him out to save my life!.. Could he just be terrified of the whole situation?“- fear probably has a part in his behavior. I say this simply because fear/ anxiety is so prevalent. I personally don’t know anyone who is not afraid. I am.

    I am thinking that he has feelings for you, and he knows that you too have feelings for him (beyond friendship and regardless of the label). Maybe he felt pressured to be in a relationship with you even though you didn’t pressure him, simply because he knows that you have a romantic interest in him. Do you think this might be the case?

    anita

    #428216
    Lynn
    Participant

    Thanks for the reply Anita,

    Maybe he is feeling that pressure because we did have such a connection and even though we said we would put a halt to it, neither one of us really did.  Even though we keep our interaction strictly friendly in our messages maybe “just friends” isn’t really what he wanted.
    All I can do now is give him time I suppose. I don’t want to potentially miss out on something great with this man but I’m also not going to wait forever if someone can’t make up their mind how they feel about me.

    Thanks again! It’s so good to talk to someone who doesn’t know us personally. My friends are a little biased and think I should just stop with this man but that’s not where my heart is just yet.

     

    #428222
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lynn:

    You are welcome! When an original poster (you, in this thread) posts a second time, I usually go back to the original post and see if combining the two posts, I can learn something new, I will do it here as well:

    The two of you are recently divorced and living far away from each other. You met him five months ago in your home location where he was on business. You “talked constantly” during the 5 months, and met in-person a total of 3 times. The talking and meetings were of a romantic nature. After the 3rd meeting, a decision was made to be friends only. The two of you kept talking as (labeled) friends, but there was an undeniable romantic connection between the two of you, “and even though we said we would put a halt to it, neither one of us really did”. After the 3rd in-person meeting, he sent you a message “saying he needs some time to figure out his feelings and if he wants or needs to be in a relationship right now”.

    (I am adding the boldface feature to the following): “I have always tried to give him his space, hardly ever text this man first and am generally non confrontational, not because I don’t care, I just don’t want to push him out of my life completely… All I can do now is give him time I suppose. I don’t want to potentially miss out on something great with this man but I’m also not going to wait forever if someone can’t make up their mind how they feel about me”-

    – you are giving him time and space, but what is the content of his time and the nature of his space? Having talked with him as much and as often as you did in the last 5 months, you probably know his daily routines, if he often meets new people, new women, if it is easy for him to form connections, or is it difficult. You don’t want to push him, but is there someone else pushing him where he lives (perhaps a woman pushed him to end the friendly labeled contact with you..?)

    While your time and your space is about waiting for him, the connection you feel to him uninterrupted; his time and space may not be about waiting for you, and his connection to you may be interrupted and diluted by connections with others. I don’t know, of course, but what you do know about his personality (extroverted, introverted, etc.) and his routines can give you a strong clue as to the chances of a future romantic relationship with him.

    ” My friends are a little biased and think I should just stop with this man but that’s not where my heart is just yet“- the heart wants what the heart wants, but is the heart wise? There is a mathematical equation in regard to wisdom: wise mind= emotional mind (the heart)+ rational mind (the ability of the brain to see the bigger picture).

    You are welcome to post again anytime you feel like it, if you do!

    anita

     

    #428239
    Lynn
    Participant

    Hey Anita,

    I do know his routines very well. He is all work and very focused on his job. He travels quite a bit for this job as well and he has always said he was concerned that he wouldn’t be able to make me happy in his world because of his job.

    It’s very difficult for him to bring people into his life. When we first met, he went silent on me for 2 weeks and then I received a message out of nowhere that he couldn’t stop thinking about me try as he did. He is an over thinker and needs to play out every scenario in his head a million times before he commits to something. I feel he is introverted around women.
    I know his divorce and break up was much worse than mine and he never wants to make those same mistakes again. I feel like that is playing a huge part in all his hesitation.

    Now mind you, I’m definitely not sitting at home every night waiting for this man to make up his mind. I’m not that woman because we do have an ocean between us and until I know exactly where he’s at that’s just how it’s going to be. I would never put my world on hold for someone if I didn’t know exactly where they were at and if we were even on the same page.

     

    #428258
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lynn:

    Reads like, at this time,  you are not confused at all (“So Confused”, the title of your thread)

    He has always said he was concerned that he wouldn’t be able to make me happy in his world because of his job“- I imagine that he would feel less concerned with a woman who is okay/ happy in her world; that would relieve his concern.

    “He is an over thinker and needs to play out every scenario in his head a million times before he commits to something. I feel he is introverted around women“- reads like he is an anxious person. Anxious people are often attracted to people who are even keeled, consistent; not erratic, volatile, etc. Giving him space and showing him that you are okay and calm in his absence (as well as in his presence), is your best bet, seems to me, for a romantic relationship with him.

    anita

     

     

    #428340
    Tommy
    Participant

    Men are not emotionally intelligent. Just not smart as women when it comes to realizing what emotions means to him. He thinks about you all the time but knows it is better to be friends due to the conditions which you live under. He wishes to bring a better life for the girl in his life. And if he sees that you are doing better without him then his courage dwindles. He doesn’t see that he can make you happy. So, all these emotions plays upon his poor male brain. While some men grow out of this and learn how to deal with life and love, this man is not there.

    Some women will hide how they feel in a marriage. And then one day come up and ask for a divorce. If there has been no fights then men just do not see it coming. So, in a divorce, the man get cut off from their kids. Women will almost always get the children. Lose the woman he loved. So, basically he has his heart torn out. Then on top of that, must pay child support and possibly alimony. Who would want to do that again? If you got burnt then would you just want to do it again without a second thought? Some men would rather be single rather than to go thru having his life and love disrupted again. So even when loneliness pushes him to meet and talk to other women, he is hesitant. Life is safer staying single after a divorce. So, are you confused about what he is doing?

    If you do not want this man then just give him space and he will walk away eventually. Just slowly dis-connect. Do not reply to his texts as often. Spend less time talking on the phone or e-mails or whatever. He will leave you alone. So, what if you want a relationship with him? You would have to make the move as they say. Tell him that you want a romantic relationship. That he could make you happy if … then say your reasons. It is the talking and closeness that makes the difference. I wish you happiness in all you do.

    #428410
    Lynn
    Participant

    Thanks so much for your response Tommy. Itdefinitely gives me a different perspective on the situation.

    I appreciate you taking the time to share your insight with me.

    #428443
    Tommy
    Participant

    Yeah, sometimes I do not know when to keep my mouth shut.

    #428514
    Lynn
    Participant

    Lol Tommy, me too but I’m working on it! 😂

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