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The phenomenon of “helping someone excessively can make them turn against you”

HomeForumsEmotional MasteryThe phenomenon of “helping someone excessively can make them turn against you”

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 36 total)
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  • #422125
    Arden
    Participant

    Hey guys! I have been thinking about this and wanted to share, so that we can maybe think about this together.

    I have seen from experience that when you help someone excessively, like helping them in a way that you’re putting more effort than them, this can make them turn against you. This has happened with relatives, some friends. So I learned that if you help someone a lot, in a way that is impossible for them to pay you back, that can create issues. However, I am right now observing this from the other perspective, I am being helped!

    I am in a period of my life that is evolving and I’ve moved, so I’ve been getting help (actually I haven’t asked for this help) and a friend is now helping me about everything for the last month. And I have realized that they are actually doing a lot more than I thought of, and this is kind of making me annoyed. It’s not that I don’t like them, I love them, and trust them 100%. It’s just they are so much involved in my life that I was prepared for, and maybe I need my space a bit more. I am now trying to create a slightly transparent boundary, like having my own time, alone without her visiting all the time, without causing an argument or breaking her heart. She also likes to organize stuff (like i do) and she’s now telling me what to do in certain stuff that she knows better. It’s natural, and I wouldn’t break her heart about it. But I don’t like being told what to do.

    I kind of see how this is not the way I would prefer things, yes, this is making my life so much easier. I now think about how she is being involved in every aspect in my life thanks to all of these help, is making me think and the fact that I think about this; seems a bit like a bad behavior of mine!? I am questioning my own good will here. I always need my space, I need time to process, to think, to sit still in silence. But if she needs to get away from her house/or any type of drama, I will be here to provide her the space (my 40sqm flat she helped me to rent) no matter what.

    So this made me think about that phenomenon I’ve mentioned. Maybe right now, I am in the opposite side of the equation. Maybe she helped me that much, in a way that I would never be able to pay back, and now I feel a bit resentment towards her? I don’t know. I just got tired from all the busy schedule and don’t want anyone saying anything about how I live my life or how I pay for certain stuff/choose to clean or choose to pick furniture for instance. Please also think that this text is 100% from my own point of view. Expressing all these can seem like I am in the right but I don’t think so.

    #422127
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Arden:

    You shared that you have a friend who’s been helping you a lot in the last month in the process of moving to a new flat. You love and trust this friend 100 percent, and her help is making your life easier. But you feel annoyed and resentful toward her for organizing your belongings the way she sees fit, for being overinvolved in your life, for commenting on how you should furnish your new flat, how you should clean it, etc. You want to have your “own time, alone without her visiting all the time“, your “own space”.

    You are questioning whether you are a good person for feeling this way about a friend who is helping you as much as she does, and you are wondering if you feel this way toward her because you fear that you “would never be able to pay her back“, even though you are prepared to have her stay with you in your new flat in the future, if she will need such help.

    Did I understand your situation correctly?

    anita

     

    #422168
    Arden
    Participant

    Hey Anita, are you “Anita” Anita? I’ve changed my name from myogrim recently, if you are. 🌞

    And yes, you understood me correctly. I never thought you would be back!

    #422169
    Arden
    Participant

    Oh yes, you are Anita. Just understood from the reply you have given me on another post. I am so surprised! I now felt like a little kid who’s caught eaten lots of chocolates since you’re back! (regarding the posts I’ve posted when you’re gone) 😅

    #422172
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Arden:

    And I am excited to receive your replies. I thought that you noticed that I was back but didn’t care, or maybe was angry at me… so pleased to read a different sentiment! You are responsible for my first smile today, thank you! I will reply further in a couple of hours or so.

    anita

    #422178
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Arden:

    A thought I had for a while, reading your recent Aug- Sept posts of this year: I see a lot of improvement, a lot of progress in your emotional well-being and I am happy to see it! (I think that you changing your screen name and adding fun emojis are evidence of this improvement?)

    Also, good to read that you are moving. Last you shared, in the previous thread,  was that your rent increased by a lot, so I am guessing it’s the reason for the move?

    In regard to this thread, I understand your distress regarding this friend- as well intended as she is-  invading your privacy, and interrupting your alone-time, and your ways of organizing and doing things. I think that I would feel similarly if I was in your shoes. I remember that you shared about spending a lot of time alone growing up (as did I). For an introverted person, like you and me, there is anxiety involved in being around people, and calm when alone. We still need people (being the social animals that we were born to be), but we also need enough of alone time so to lower our stress level.

    The fact that I think about this; seems a bit like a bad behavior of mine!? I am questioning my own good will here. I always need my space, I need time to process, to think, to sit still in silence“- I don’t think that your need for alone-time, for your own space, to “sit still in silence” is a bad need, nor do I think that your annoyance with this friend is a bad feeling. Your need and feelings are valid and should be respected- by yourself and by any friend who is a true friend (once they are aware of what it is that your need).

    anita

     

     

    #422181
    Arden
    Participant

    I would never be angry or resentful towards you! I still cannot comprehend how you can provide such insights to lots of people, the things you do, and how you do it, it’s like you’re studying the posts and then providing your perspective, which are so brilliant and helpful each time. Maybe I was lucky, I was in a good state and didn’t need so much help when you left. I didn’t expect to see you here and I still feel okay, and it’s such a delight seeing/having a conversation with you again. All in all, I feel grateful to have met and contacted you here. How are you?

    As for updates, I’ve changed my name and photo out of a anonymity need, kind of felt a bit paranoid since I share a lot here. My rent was increasing and so many stuff happened there, but radically, I have moved to a different country with a job. I had to come here alone for now, and my boyfriend of 2 years (almost) will also try to come here after me hopefully. Your interpretation was right, even though it was not related to the photo/emojis and so on, I have been in a good place for 2 years now. In the past 2 years, you have observed/analyzed the first part of it, I have grown/worked a lot/improved mentally. I had some time to observe how I react, how I get upset at the things and correct them a bit. This has happened maybe because I was not busy with my own relationship drama. My relationship was drama-free, and I hope that it goes this way. As I might’ve mentioned before, I was so afraid of coming here. I’ve came here to live, 3.000 km away from him now, did what I was afraid hoping that we can overcome this. He is also willing to come here if visa things can be figured out, and he’ll work here and live with me hopefully. We don’t know when that will happen. I guess I am good with the uncertainty now, as long as we can find a way.

    #422190
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Arden:

    It makes me positively emotional to read the first sentence of your post. I will reply further in about 11 hours from now.

    anita

    #422214
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Arden:

    It made me feel positively emotional to read the opening of your yesterday’s post: “I would never be angry or resentful towards you!” because these are a few of the most beautiful words in my emotional lexicon. I never experienced this growing up: my mother’s raging anger was always around the corner, and too often, it closed in on me and I was at the center of it. And so, yesterday, away from her for over a decade, I still expect anger… it’s still just around the corner.

    I still cannot comprehend how you can provide such insights to lots of people, the things you do, and how you do it, it’s like you’re studying the posts and then providing your perspective, which are so brilliant and helpful each time“-

    – “brilliant and helpful“.. me? The girl in the center of her mother’s raging anger was told otherwise. Oh, how sweet it is to be told such positive things. l should say more such positive (if true) things to other people too, others who may need to hear such words as much as I do.

    I just re-read the two lines I quoted above: what a genuine, spontaneous expression on your part, I appreciate it greatly!

    Maybe I was lucky, I was in a good state and didn’t need so much help when you left. I didn’t expect to see you here and I still feel okay, and it’s such a delight seeing/having a conversation with you again. All in all, I feel grateful to have met and contacted you here. How are you?“- I am grateful to read your genuine, spontaneous honesty, it’s refreshing!

    I’ve changed my name and photo out of a anonymity need, kind of felt a bit paranoid since I share a lot here“- it makes sense. The photo of you, the one you deleted, is etched in my mind because I saw it so many times.

    My rent was increasing and so many stuff happened there, but radically, I have moved to a different country with a job“- C o N g R a T u L a T i O n S !!!

    I had to come here alone for now, and my boyfriend of 2 years (almost) will also try to come here after me hopefully“- I am glad to read that you had the courage to move to another country and to do so alone!

    I wrote the above before I read this: “As I might’ve mentioned before, I was so afraid of coming here. I’ve came here to live, 3,000 km away from him now, did what I was afraid hoping that we can overcome this“- yes, you did mention this fear before. Fast forward, you did what you were afraid of doing: this is what courage is about, and you are courageous, Arden!

    Your interpretation was right, even though it was not related to the photo/emojis and so on, I have been in a good place for 2 years now. In the past 2 years.. I have grown/worked a lot/improved mentally. I had some time to observe how I react, how I get upset at the things and correct them a bit. This has happened maybe because I was not busy with my own relationship drama. My relationship was drama-free, and I hope that it goes this way“- the benefits of a drama-free relationship! A relationship should promote calm, not create and increase distress/ drama!

    He is also willing to come here if visa things can be figured out, and he’ll work here and live with me hopefully. We don’t know when that will happen. I guess I am good with the uncertainty now, as long as we can find a way“- it’s a good relationship, and… love will find a way!

    anita

     

    #422416
    Arden
    Participant

    I am glad you felt positive, you know that I am just saying what I feel and this is 100% related to how you react/talk so it feels like what I am saying is fully related to you and has nothing to do with me. You should remember how much of a good influence you have on people by just writing and responding.

    As for expecting anger, I am genuinely sorry about this. I guess we expect different negative stuff from people and that is also “a type of projecting”. I get angry when a loved one is defensive around me, this happens sometimes. I also know why they are being defensive, either they are very used to being criticized or something similar. (this defensiveness example has nothing to do with you expecting anger, just in case) You already know all these!

    Today I was alone and I’ve opened up a video-call with my mother and we kept what we were doing. She’s had some dialogues with her husband, I’ve eaten some stuff / worked a bit. We sometimes talked and sometimes just holded without saying anything. When we are physically together, she usually ignores my priorities and I feel neglected so I respond more aggressively resulting in her being more ignorant and me feeling more neglected. So we cannot stay together and keep on having nice convos, it’s not that healthy. But when we’re not together, I don’t see being neglected that much and we can have a nice conversation, so it works. Then as usual, they got angry at each other with her husband. I guess since it’s about 7th years of marriage, it’s normal. But I found myself listening them being angry, and aggressive at each other. Regardless of who’s right or wrong, I felt how fast all of those feelings were transferred to me. I was like a child, listening to the argument taking place where I am at, and having nothing but to listen and soak up all the negativity. Me soaking up all the negativity doesn’t even help them relax, it just happens. I suddenly felt depressed for a moment. Then when they finally shut up, I just told them some stuff to make them relax. I could see how they were both stressed and they were just expressing it by being aggressive to each other.

    I am realizing how I am inclined to feel responsible for others’ misery. If I can see something I can correct or influence, and if that’s about my family, I feel responsible for their pain. I feel guilty, and I cannot understand why that happens.

    About courage, and moving alone: I just postponed how I felt to a point when it was just too late and since moving takes lots of time and planning and all the bureaucracy and working non stop at the same time made me go crazy, i haven’t had much time to be emotional in my last three months. I was so afraid before, when everything was vague. For a year, whenever I remember about this relocation possibility, my hands was shaking, my pulse probably elevated each time. But then when it has happened, i feel so much better than I expected. It just happened all at once. Maybe that’s a good example of how anxiety works.

    I was so afraid of losing him for a job or for a better life. It meant so much more to me, to be able to feel safe. I would find ways to stand still economically no matter what happens with the inflation or the house crisis or earthquakes, whatever. I would pick being safe emotionally, which would eventually end up leaving me unsafe. I just had to pick this road instead.

    I still get a bit anxious towards normal stuff, like jealousy or being afraid that he’ll stop trusting me or trying and so on. But I guess that’s normal. I just think that way because of how I was treated in the past.

    I am so glad that you’ve found my words refreshing, I hope that you’ll have more refreshed&happy days and moments.

    #422418
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Arden:

    I will be reading and replying to your post here and the one on your other thread Sun morning (it is now Sat morning here). Please take good care of yourself!

    anita

    #422445
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Arden:

    Thank you for your kind words and empathy.

    Today I was alone and I’ve opened up a video-call with my mother and we kept what we were doing… when we’re not together, I don’t see being neglected that much and we can have a nice conversation, so it works“- it works for you to be thousands of miles from your mother; it works for me too to be thousands of miles away from my mother (and in my case: no video or any other contact)

    Then as usual, they got angry at each other with her husband…  I found myself listening (to) them being angry, and aggressive at each other. Regardless of who’s right or wrong, I felt how fast all of those feelings were transferred to me. I was like a child, listening to the argument taking place where I am at, and having nothing but to listen and soak up all the negativity. Me soaking up all the negativity doesn’t even help them relax, it just happens. I suddenly felt depressed for a moment“-(1)  this is a valuable testimony to how disturbing it is for a child to witness arguments and aggression between parents, and how it is still disturbing for an adult. (2) I hope that your next video call will not include them arguing (tell her that you don’t want this to happen again while on video, or cut the call short one an argument starts: this is the benefit of video and living thousands of miles away!

    I am realizing how I am inclined to feel responsible for others’ misery… I feel responsible for their pain. I feel guilty, and I cannot understand why that happens“- it’s natural for a child to feel responsible for her parents’ misery and pain. For a child, taking such responsibility brings hope: if the child is responsible for a parent’s misery.. the child can make their misery stop (so the child’s thinking or believing goes).

    About courage, and moving alone: I just postponed how I felt..  I haven’t had much time to be emotional in my last three months. I was so afraid before, when everything was vague. For a year, whenever I remember about this relocation possibility, my hands was shaking, my pulse probably elevated each time. But then when it has happened, I feel so much better than I expected. It just happened all at once. Maybe that’s a good example of how anxiety works“- a valuable example and testimony to how anxiety works, and how you can manage and successfully move through it.

    I was so afraid of losing him for a job or for a better life…  I still get a bit anxious towards normal stuff, like jealousy or being afraid that he’ll stop trusting me or trying and so on. But I guess that’s normal. I just think that way because of how I was treated in the past.”- and now, you have some power, in your current life, to think differently, to act differently and to manage your anxiety successfully, one day at a time.

    I am so glad that you’ve found my words refreshing, I hope that you’ll have more refreshed & happy days and moments“- thank you. Your move to a different country in itself is refreshing to me!

    In regard to your post that you addressed to me on the other thread: “As for being passive aggressive, I guess I just mixed those with my toxic thoughts in my head. I don’t show them“- being passive-aggressive is a behavior, not a thought pattern.. so you are not passive-aggressive.

    I remember how bad I can think of some people and not show them that. Then I feel a bit like a hypocrite. Maybe that’s what confuses me and makes me think of myself as a passive aggressive person“- there are reasons why you think badly of people/ why you negatively judge them: envying carefree people is one such reason, the desire to be carefree yourself is behind it. The more carefree you manage to become, the less envious and the more positively you will think of others.

    I guess we need to remember that the sides that we don’t like about ourselves also exist on others, and they do not share it“- exactly! But the more you share with me and the more I share with you, the better people we become.

    Thanks for sharing what you think about this and relieving my thoughts about myself.“- you are very welcome, Arden!

    anita

    #422710
    Arden
    Participant

    It’s amazing how we communicate here, you helped me a lot. I wanted to say that!

    #422717
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Arden:

    Thank you for the note of appreciation. It just brought the first smile of the day to my face! And notice: your post above, these two sentences you wrote, they are spontaneous and carefree, good job, Arden!

    anita

    #425124
    anita
    Participant

    I hope you are well, Arden, thinking of you.

    anita

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