Hi Anita,

I have opened up the forum in the past week and never had the energy to put my feelings here. I hope you’ve had an amazing Christmas and will have an amazing New Years. May the new year bring you so much more peace and happiness.

I’ve had a mental crisis recently where I learned that my landlord is planning to increase my rent by %400 and if I don’t pay that, they will sue me. Just when I managed to have the house to myself, without any toxic flatmates (the last one of them will leave next month), I’ve learned that maybe I will have to move to my mom’s house or something, since there are no rental houses for affordable prices anymore. So I was terrified, depressed, crying all the time. I felt so alone, everybody had something to say, some stuff they could suggest but nobody was actually with me in this. I was all alone, and I had to face this problem on my own. My bf was working a lot those days, so he also couldn’t really support. He was by my side, but he was not saying me that “we would handle this together.” So I felt awful. He was hugging, not saying much about the subject. He was trying to distract me.

I even told him a story of my childhood which I find very vulnerable. When I was about 6-8 years old, I was constantly crying and depressed. I was either with my father in the same city, or with my mom in another city. I needed somebody’s support I guess, I needed them to understand me and maybe care for me. I felt so alone. When I was with my mom, she used to listen to me for a while and tried to support. Maybe she didn’t have much patience but she tried, she was also having depressed times I figured later on. But when I was with my dad, he never had the courage to deal with this problem. Never tried to understand or talk to me about it, as far as I remember. Never even hugged me. He was afraid of his own emotions I suppose, and if he confronted me, he wouldn’t be able to handle them? Not sure. Maybe he just didn’t care since he was fixated on himself. So he always found a place to drop me off, to hang out. He was a teacher, so he knew so many people. He used to find some family who has a child around my age and then I was there, left to hang out with them, play with them. The same scenario used to happen always, I was distracted for a while and then when it ends, I start crying. The family tries to understand me, support me but what can they do? I don’t even know what my problem is, so I probably never explained fully. I think I used to say that I missed my mom or stuff like that. Then finally when I stop crying, dad picks me up. After a while, I learned to hold myself and not cry in front of others, and my parents as well.

When I told this story which I only told you and now him, not even the psychiatrist I saw since I couldn’t handle it, he hugged, tried to comfort me but nothing else. I felt bad since he was not there with me. He just waited for me to calm down, that’s all.

My mom also talked about him in a bad way for the first time. She told me that since he is not that active regarding this crisis, maybe I should observe him more. She made me doubt him and after that, I was also a bit weird to him. I kind of stated that I felt so alone, meaning he wasn’t that much of a support. I actually wanted him to say stuff like, “you can always move in with me”, “we’ll do it together”, “I would never let you move out of this city”. These words comfort people, distracting never works! I hate distractions when I am in a crisis, I guess I learned that it’s never the right thing and who am I even kidding?

But then after a while, 2-3 days later when he is not as busy as before, he got what I felt. He supported and said, “if it all comes to there and we cannot find a solution, you’ll move in to my house.” I was relieved, and then I moved on thinking about solutions with a more calm mind.

The problem still exists, but now that I heard him say these which apparently meant a lot for me, I feel calmer, and better. After a few days of crying, being depressed I woke up with 4 cold sores on my mouth. It was terrible and I actually saw how much it affects my health and my body. A few days of crisis made my body react this fast.

But the fact that if he didn’t say those words, I would be worse now terrifies me. I am so dependent on his emotional support, and words. And also extremely surprised to see that my body had something to say as well about this stressful and depressive days. She didn’t like it apparently, and now I am healing my lips.

Hi Anita, I hope you feel nice and content today. I sometimes feel selfish for writing here and expecting an answer. I don’t understand how can you help so many people with compassion, over and over again. It must be tiring sometimes.

Something got into me. If I would have beliefs, I would say that the evil eye did it or something. Yesterday, after working well for a couple of hours, I felt exhausted. Then it was like my barriers couldn’t protect me from bad thought loops. I was all vulnerable, and the thoughts were all attacking me. After I got outside and went to my BFs house, my body felt all the worries and I was suffering. I cried and then tried to get back to normal, but then it started again. All the evening it was like I was too tired to control my mind, self-sabotaging thoughts, and doubts about what I do and what I’ll do. I felt worthless. My BF had to work a little extra, but I felt like he was texting somebody or something like that. I was full of doubt about everyone. I had nothing valuable in my life. I even wanted to cease to exist, cause it was painful to be there, be anywhere. I thought of my ex-boyfriend at some point, I felt like he would understand. But then I let that thought go cause it wasn’t rational, I was just kidding myself, he wouldn’t understand. Or even if he would, he would harm me.

It was like my childhood all over again, I tried to distract myself the whole evening. BF did help, but my mind was attacking him without him knowing it. Then my dreams were also self-sabotaging. I was jealous of him because he was hanging with a confident friend of mine. I was not in control.

I’ll try to let these self-sabotaging hours and mind go today, I’ll start meditating/yoga again. It was like my mind was contaminated and these were all the side effects.

I also realized something yesterday, I am sceptical about everyone and everything. I feel good with my BF cause he is honest and he doesn’t exaggerate stuff. But when I listen to somebody, I always know that they might add, omit and exaggerate the stuff they’re telling. I guess this is tiring. Even when I overshare or share the normal amount of information about myself, I started to feel like they could harm me or their thoughts even, can harm me. I must never let anybody get jealous of me, my job, or my relationship or get the wrong thoughts about me. I even thought this contamination of mine could’ve happened because I told an old friend about my work permit application earlier yesterday before I got that bad. It was like, she had the wrong thoughts and that contaminated my mind.

Dear Anita, I hope you’ve had a great week.

Yes, I shouldn’t take the fact that I don’t feel guilty, at least rationally, granted. I can feel guilty for not helping, being a slave to him but I know that’s not rational. So I try to correct that feeling. And being abused for years and so on, mom tries to help me in that regard. She told me that I was a good kid, with no problems they had to deal with and no drama. I was living my teenage years silently, so they didn’t have to make so much effort like they did with my big sister. As they always tell, my big sister was a suffocatingly hard child. I was the opposite.

I am getting a better understanding today of how much your father hurt and harmed you.

I am too! I’ve actually always known this, but I am acting like it now. Before, I ignored all of it because I knew how hard he was brought up, as far as I know, he was never loved in a genuine way and always praised for external status. He was brought up to be a narcissist and also my sister was like that because his mother also took care of her when mom worked. They didn’t took care of me, I was mostly with my mom’s mom or at some child schools. And now I see that I was doing more than what I had to do by being so understanding. A child shouldn’t be that much understanding to their parents, maybe. A side of me thinks that everyone should be that understanding, to everyone. And I see not-understanding, intolerant people a bit selfish. But maybe that’s wrong. I am at a phase where I question this, and maybe since I tried to correct my boundaries, my parent-understanding behavior has also affected by that. When I think about how some parents behave, and how some teachers neglect or behave badly to some children, I remember my own memories. And I feel angry towards them, especially to the teachers.

so he didn’t get to the arguing and making them feel bad stage because of time constraints

I have a different point of view here, I think he wouldn’t dare to jeopardize the persona by behaving students badly. I see narcissistic features all over him, and he was an idealistic teacher. He was the best, they all loved him. Everyone that knew him outside of school knew that he was kind of hard, but he was the best in his job. Everybody thought that he was one of the most intelligent, intellectual man around. But at home, he owned us. He especially owned my mother, and even though he loved her and wanted to have her before their marriage, afterwards he just behaved her like a furniture. Over the years, he was afraid of losing her so he acted bad, weirdly enough, he lost her.

I’ll mention something really personal but since this is in another language, I trust the anonymity. My mom had to get 5 abortions before me, and this was all my dad’s fault. And one day, my mom getting scared again because of the operation, told my dad to get a vasectomy since it’s much more easier and with no risk. My dad refused, told that “nothing is definite, if I get that operation, who knows what would happen?”. Mom complained, “but you’re making me have a much riskier operation for several times?”. Dad refused, and replied, “it’s not the same.” I cannot imagine how rejected and worthless my mom might have felt. I also have that “worthless” feeling inside of me when I am behaved badly. After all those years, dad got sick. And he had to have 10+ operations around the bladder and so on and it makes me think, he refused to have that tiny operation around his penis and then he had to suffer a dozen on the same area. Although, if he didn’t refuse to have vasectomy, I wouldn’t be here writing these words.

– as a child, you experienced so little compassion- almost none (?)- from anyone. Instead, you experienced anger, rejection and misunderstanding. You were misunderstood.

All the compassion I’ve received was from my mom, and from some teachers, I guess 1 or 2. I always loved my teachers, but I was afraid to communicate so I always knew my ground and didn’t ask for much. I got used to staying on the right place, respecting the other person’s boundary silently and not asking for much thanks to my dad. And now I am trying to overgrow out of that habit. And as for “misunderstood”, I feel like I wasn’t understood at all. Cause I didn’t know how to express what I want, I got scared and I felt like I didn’t have the right to ask for more. I should be okay with what I have. I am still, today, afraid to ask for more.

seems to me that he treated his students well because they were the reason he got paid as a teacher, they were hissource of money while you and your mother took money away from him. This is another reason why he treated them well, but not you or your mother. What do you think?

He got a weird relationship with money. He liked to act like he had none, but he always cared for his car, his own needs only. He didn’t like giving it to us, we had to act very economical and we did so. Although my sister refused that, she wasteful at times and I’ve seen that. I’ve seen how hard mom tried to support her after the divorce and that’s why I got more economical and started earning some money around high school cause I had to help mom. I knew how stingy was dad, but mom always tried to tolerate him. I was a normal kid with normal working parents, but I lived like a poor child a bit.

And your second post was the most positive respond I got from you, and I felt even more encouraged after reading it. Thank you for appreciating me Anita! Thank you!

As I write these in a cafe, I got emotional at some parts but I kept myself and my eyes still, I received an email from the migration office. Migration office accepted the company’s request and now they will wait for me to apply for work permit. It may be approved, it may be rejected. But either way, this is a big step and over the past few months, I realized I want to do this. But I want to do this to prove myself to everyone, this is the feeling I get. In my child, teenage and now working years, I’ve always seen other people getting to places they don’t work enough for. And I waited and waited, now I have this chance to prove myself to them. I am not sure if this is right for me to feel, sounds a bit like rivalry. Although I have to accept it and apply, that’s the final decision. However, I feel incredibly scared towards my relationship. I am very dependent, again. And since I know he is a bit hesitant to “distant-relationships”, I feel even more discouraged. But I have to tell him at some point. I wish there was a way to make him try hard for us like I would do.

I even talked with my boss to discuss how often I can visit my country and I would be able to work hard for a month and then visit here every other month, maybe work remotely for a week or so. That way, I would be able to be with him and handle my business here apart from that company as well. Dreaming, thinking, planning.. Not sure if it’ll work. Going to do more yoga to relax my mind and if I cannot take it and feel that desperate, I’ll go speak with the fortuneteller lady again.

Dear Anita, I hope you’re okay and having a great, peaceful time.

Yes, my father have never accused me of something. He just didn’t treat me right, but I only felt guilty because I wasn’t with him all the time leaving him alone from time to time. I felt responsible because I could choose to be with him, but I wasn’t able to choose it all the time. I was never responsible of his misery, but I felt like I did have the strength to help him by at least being with him more, for his own good. However, whenever I feel sad for him and decide to go, he did something that would upset or harm me. He would either make me cry, or behave badly, or neglect. I remember going to his place just to make him feel better but then when I’m there, he was leaving me alone and going outside to be with some other people. It was weird, I wasn’t the one he wanted I suppose. But I know that if mom did accepted him again, he would do the same to her. His opinion of love was more about “having someone”, “having them as a supply” and when the supply is there, he just continues to be himself. This is the most selfish love I’ve experienced, even more selfish than the partnerships where I was cheated on. Even now, he wants me to take care of him so that he is not alone in the house. When I manage to go there, and stay with him, just after 5 hours he argues, even fights me over something stupid. The aim is to make me feel bad and be there for him, but after the aim is accomplished, I am trash to him.

I am still not afraid of hurting him, I am afraid of the confrontation because I know it’s so hard and maybe it’s ten times harder for him. I know that I wouldn’t hurt him, there’s no point. I’ll be the one getting upset about it afterwards.

I imagine that his students thought that you were so lucky to have him as your father, not knowing how he behaved in his own home vs school. Their emotional response to him being close to dying was appropriate to who he was with them, and your emotional response was appropriate to who he was with you.

Yes, you’ve seen an important point there. I don’t know how you guessed it. Other students thought that I was lucky. Some might even thought that I was privileged. But this was never the case, I know a girl who hates me over just this. Years and years ago, my father had dropped me off to a before-school course, just one time. He never did those sort of things, it was too much work, but I guess there was something different that day. And we’ve came across to that girl there, and he was jealous. I know it now. And after that day, that girl always tried to hurt me over different subjects. Years later I went to uni with that girl’s older sister, and then I saw that the girl is actually much luckier than me. She had a family, a connected one which I don’t. She has an older sister who loves her, supports and takes care of her when she needs it, which I will never have. I even have to protect myself from my own sister, she is toxic and never happy about my successes or friendships, she would enjoy that she’s better if I lose at something even though she is 11 years older than me. No compassion from her whatsoever. She might have grudges towards me since I had a slightly easier childhood, less violence. That girl has a father she can hug with, be emotional around and she can even lay with him hugging, talking about physical contact here.

Years ago, when father just moved out of the house we were living in, he didn’t have a spare bed for me to stay. So I slept in the same bed, which was the most natural thing I think for a child. When I was sleeping, I just moved my leg towards him and touched him casually, then again, I think a child must be able to touch parents when sleeping, or not. It’s your child, for god sake. Right after that, he just took my leg with his hands and moved back towards myself, away from him. This was the reaction I got. I ignored this then, but never forgot about it. When I look back now, this hurt me as well.

And that girl was financially stable as well, she was able to spend her father’s money comfortably. I never had this chance, always struggled even when we had the money. He just never liked giving it, so he never did. Not to me, my mom. Seeing that the girl had wrong reasons to hate me, I see how that’s unfair. She was a mean kid, I had my reasons to hate other children but I was never mean like that.

I feel an emotional transformation. I’ve been questioning some stuff especially about how I behave in the relationship. I realized that when something bad happens, not related to me at all, the other person gets upset. That’s totally normal, but I feel responsible. I feel uncomfortable, I feel like I am the reason for that bad thing somehow. I know that I am not but my mood suddenly changes, and I don’t feel safe anymore. I get even more unsettled than the person going through that little bad thing. After realizing it the other day, I tried to control myself. Even though my partner was upset, not related to me again, I tried to keep myself calm and comfy, as the problem was not mine. A problem about the trash, being tired or something with job upsets him, then he doesn’t smile or says anything good to me. I start to feel like I am not wanted there, I feel like he doesn’t like me anymore. This is the reaction I create in my mind and I believe in it, change my mood according to it. I am so skeptic about the love I receive, If I don’t receive it for 10 hours, I just get lost in my dark thoughts. Not nice.

The real transformation, however, happened yesterday. I know that people say things like “be nice to the kid inside of you” and so on. I never did that because I am still that kid, I feel like that. I feel vulnerable most of the time. Last night I was with my own friends, and he was with his own friends. After their meeting ended, he wanted to come to my meeting. I’ve sent a location and waited for him, and apparently the location was faulty and he accidentally went into somewhere he shouldn’t around the place, and had a little argument with the security. He was drunk.

I found him in the street and he was angry at me, about the faulty location I’ve sent. Since I’ve been questioning these days, I just didn’t accept him being angry at me, as we went inside the place I was calmly explaining and asking. “Why did you get angry with me, did I do something wrong? No. Why then?” Asking this 2-3 times sobered him a little and he accepted I was innocent, he was like a little cat owning up, calming down and accepting what I say. He obeyed what I said. It was like I had another “myself” in me who protected that little kid. This has never happened like this before, I thought about this a lot before I slept yesterday. I felt different. Although I was wearing my goldstone earrings and some say it brings confidence, so maybe that was the reason. Or believing that it brings it can make me behave better, why not…

I cried reading this, and I couldn’t write an answer afterwards. I guess I wasn’t in the right state to say anything. Thank you for telling me about this, and I don’t know what to feel about it. I feel sad, maybe I am trying to be empathetic towards you even though I know this is much more powerful and hard comparing what I’ve been through. I was never scared of my mom killing herself or anything, she was in depression when I was 1-2 years old but afterwards she got better. She started to ignore the stuff that hurt her till she can get rid of those stuff. You praying all the time is so cruel to a kid coming from the world. I know there are lots of cruel stuff happening to kids. But I feel a bit weird. I started to feel resentment towards the situations, the people that made us feel that way in such an early age. For instance I feel a bit of an anger towards my dad for using me for his own needs, he used to tell me about his miserable loneliness just to make me go whine to my mom. He was using me to reach out to my mom, and maybe make her feel bad again hoping that she would accept him back. She resisted, thank god. But I was in the middle, getting emotional all the time thinking that my dad is in a bad condition. He was alone, he was sad.

He was not an easy person to be around, and he was strict. So I didn’t like staying with him, only me and him. It’s harder when you’re the only person around that one hard person. Maybe it was easier in the past with my mom or sister being around. But alone, not being able to communicate properly, and actually I had to think of what I’ll ask over and over again. I used to ask him about the computer years ago. I used to want to play it, but I cannot open it myself like I did at my mom’s place. I had to ask for permission, but I used to rehearse what I’ll say in my head, only after that I could ask. I didn’t feel anger towards him much in the past, I always felt sorry for him cause he created that feeling inside of my head. But I do feel it now, he is still like that. Maybe after he saw that he couldn’t get into my mom’s head, with all the guilt because of the past, he started to get sick after the divorce. Months of medicine, different diagnosis trials and then he was diagnosed with cancer. Then he managed to make everybody feel sorry for him again. It took years for him to get better, and now whenever he feels the need, he just gets a bit sick again. Sometimes it’s his waist hernia comes up, and as mom says hernia always prevented him to do heavy stuff. Mom always did the heavy stuff around the house. This seems pathetic to me, but I feel resentment, anger. And whenever he makes me feel bad on the phone, for having pain or being alone just for one day because stepmom visits her family, he annoys me and upsets me at the same time. I feel bad for him, but I just don’t buy it and I get angry. I don’t reflect the anger though, I just hold it in and try to ignore my dad’s attention seeking words or voices.

I can see clearly now, maybe because I am older, I cannot ignore most of the things I used to ignore in the past. However, I guess I should be able to sit with the not-comfy feeling and just be alone, observe, go on with my life. I think I try to run from that feeling, when I am not fully safe, in terms of emotions, I always try to run from it with either psychological readings, or spiritual stuff to make me feel better, hope for the better. I don’t like to sit and be pessimistic about anything, it just doesn’t make me feel any good, why do that? Therefore, I don’t sit with the bad feeling and I try to make it better by either manipulating my mind or trying to make the situation better.

And yes, regarding what I want, I always wanted to be happy and accepted, understood like everyone else. I do have a clue about what I want, but when a slight problem occurs like my partner being in a weird mood and behaving a bit differently to me, I start to feel unsafe and that affects me a lot. My motivation towards life just start to vanish. When I’m not able to feel safe with the love I have (Not sure about the expression but I’m hoping you’ll get me), I lose interest in the hobbies I like, I never want to read anything, do anything productive. I just go on with my life with the lowest effort and hope for better. It’s like my hobbies, my job, anything I like, all the things mentioned are not as important as being safe with the partner I have.

Having fixed stuff helps a little I guess, that’s something I’ve experienced in the past year. I’ve always did yoga after my breakup last year even though I felt suffocated, even though I cried during. Having at least one stable thing in your life helps, so I started yoga again, the streak is now over 30 days, and I’ll continue no matter what. I need that in my life, one thing I can count on.

I am telling here that I don’t like pessimism but I guess I am acting a bit pessimistic. It’s just when I am not safe with my feelings, I hardly see anything to be grateful about in life, that seems like the problem here. I have other stuff I’m working on to be grateful about.

You want to have a say in what happens in your life and in your relationship;  you want to be an active, reasonably-powerful part in your life and relationship, not a passive and hopeful observant. The stronger you become in your own life, the less exhausted you will be, and the lesser your fears.

Definitely, I should read these words often.

As for the spiritual thing question, I don’t know if I mentioned before but I wasn’t brought up with a religion. My parents were not religious and they have never thought me anything about it besides the need to respect others about it. So in my teen years, I considered myself as agnostic and never was interested in religions, and I was even thinking it was lame. Maybe it’s lame to follow something you are thought without questioning it, yes. But even though it did seem lame, I needed something in my life that would fill up that space. Maybe that’s another reason I have this obsession on being safe. I was not safe as other kids because I never believed in anything that would protect me. But as I grew up, I realized that I needed something but nothing persuaded me. I tried to talk with some people that are strongly religious, but when I listened to the so-called miracles they heard and saw as the reason to believe in their god, it was never enough for me.

The only thing I could see a little bit more persuading is the effects of meditation, and then again, I guess these can be explained in science as well. So I try to do my yoga and expect to be more stable, healthy and maybe have a slight effect on my “spiritualism” as people refer, so that I can be more happy. It’s like helping others at this point, or it’s like buying a bracelet to have more luck. So this is what I try to fill up this void. Doesn’t feel enough, but maybe since this is not enough, I put great importance to my emotional state and when that shatters, I am lost in that void without any will to live.