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miyoid

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  • #375596
    miyoid
    Participant

    I hear you Anita, it’s high time that I learned to stayed all alone and still managed to be satisfied with life. Although, I cannot find the strength to face life and feel vulnerable as I said. But I have to face that feeling to, without clinging to him or anybody else. I will encourage him to find a new home and move out, to create his own space. Maybe then, I will be able to see everything more clearly.

    I also feel clueless and I feel like that’s what I should be feeling at this point. I’m trying to hold on to my job just to put aside one more pay-check and get closer to a more comfortable life, which could happen abroad, in a better country with better work-life standards allowing people to have jobs that doesn’t fully leech off of them leaving no time what-so-ever.

    We used to have ‘Remote Saturdays’ because of the pandemic curfews during weekends. All week-days were at the office, and then our Saturdays would be remote. Working from our homes, I was able to sleep more, rest more since I could literally do my job in my bed with my laptop. This week, the Saturday curfews have came to an end. We’ll be at the office 6 days a week, 54 hours in total. I’m also spending 2 hours with transportation, leaving me no time to relax. I’m sleep deprived, cannot fall asleep most of the time and even 8 hours does not feel enough when I’m able to sleep. And I earn 2.25 dollars for each hour, I’m sure that sounds worse to you than it does to me.

    Also, I am sometimes making this a bigger deal than it already is, though. For example, I’m at the office and it’s been 3 hours. I’ve only worked for 20 minutes so far. Sometimes I work with a full focus the whole day, but sometimes I focus for like 2 hours and that’s it.

    As for the love, I’ve always loved animals. I have much more empathy towards them compared to the one I have towards people. We used to adopt sick animals, trying to heal them with my mother. I used to live with those animals while she was at work. I cannot adopt an animal these days because I have no time or extra money to take care of one, but my mom has like 8 cats in her house and she always takes care of the animals that live nearby, at the streets. What I can do is just sending some money to the people in need who is trying to heal them as well, I’ve been sending some since I’ve started this job. I wish I could do more but I guess that needs to end once I stop earning from this job as well.

    You seem to be quite independent job-wise, since you said you started working at the age of 15 (how did that come about? was it a necessity or your own choice?). This shows that you have the capacity to take care of yourself, at least financially. Now you would need to expand that to caring about yourself emotionally too.

    It was not exactly our of necessity. I could decide not to work and my mom would support me anyways. But having an extra clingy father, not being able to have the smallest luxuries like little furry pencils which costed like a penny then, made me feel bad about spending money. I wasn’t able to have the stuff I wanted and he didn’t chose to spend money for us, he chose to spend it for his luxuries. When I look back, I feel sad about those days. There are tons of memories where I just wanted a small gesture, a small toy or a furry pencil that costed so little. And he was a teacher, and my mom was working as well. We did have money, but we lived like we didn’t have any. Even my mom was used to live like that. She didn’t even have extra clothes, any cosmetics what-so-ever. She was making as much money as dad did, but she didn’t have the freedom to spend it. We were brought up to be like that.

    After their divorce, my mom started to spend the money she was earning for us, for us. I wasn’t able to get any pocket money from my dad and I felt so guilty for every penny I had to get from my mother. Therefore, I started to work, I’ve transformed my hobbies into freelance jobs, like designing and she is still proud of that.

    Do you have a role model of a very loving and caring person, be it in your own family, or just someone you know? You can have a meditation imagining them giving you love and affection, and see how it affects you. The point is to feel and anchor the love within you, so that you don’t feel dependent on others to “fill” you.

    I can try this, not sure whom but, I can imagine I suppose.

    Thank you Anita, TeaK and Peter. It’s a privilege to be able to share all the details and your support means a lot as well. All of the mental and physical challenges I’m facing these days requires a huge deal of perseverance. I’m not sure how much perseverance I have within me.

    I’ve been thinking about a B plan for like 2 days and it includes, quitting this job, then investing in a tattoo machine and an ipad which would allow me to draw more and more. Maybe then I would be able to find more gigs and create a future.

    #375373
    miyoid
    Participant

    He hasn’t moved out, he went to his hometown 4 days ago and I guess he doesn’t know what to do. I try to be easy, I want what’s best for him. I don’t want him to move out if that would be bad for him, but I guess I should just wait and see since I cannot control what happens at this point. I’ve tried to talk with him a bit more yesterday, I’ve sent him some therapy videos just to give an idea, I know it’s a bit weird to send some videos or articles to someone who’s actually dealing with the problem. But I’ve been trying to do something for so long, I guess I just can’t do anything to make him better and I’m about to give up. We’ve been texting and he was triggered by some details again and then he blocked me at some point. Then he unblocked me to ask if I was okay. My feelings come and go, I was really upset when he said goodbye to me today, he was giving up. He told me that he won’t come here again, he’ll stay there. Now he says that he cannot stand them (his family) anymore, he’s staying with his mother at the moment. He is upset because they don’t communicate with him, I guess they just don’t try to understand. I wish there was something I can do to make this all better, but I cannot see anything right now. I’m out of ideas to try.

    As for the higher power subject, my parents have never talked to me about religion. I was brought up to be an Agnostic, although they were atheists. I’ve never thought about the higher power, I was also faced with lots of unjustness and I used to question the world as well. However, I tried to believe in something last year but all the stuff I’ve listened from my acquaintances that are Christian or Muslim were giving me all those nonsense with the miracles and non-questioned phrases. So I couldn’t find anything to believe in. I would like to believe in ‘the good’, though. However, I cannot do so while all these terrible stuff is happening around us all the time. I’ve already lost my trust and faith towards the good in people to a great extent. Maybe that’s what I need to work on. I feel like the world has this spiritual entropy as well, where everything just deteriorates and there’s no turning back.

    #375233
    miyoid
    Participant

    It’s probably because of a deep longing in you for care and attention, so when you feel you’ve received it to a degree, it’s both touching but also causing sadness because it takes you right back to your childhood and those memories of feeling abandoned and not cared for. Am I guessing this right?

    Your words sound right, also it feels like I’m meeting with an old friend that I have missed a lot. However, you have to get used to the feeling, you have to feel normal with that friend I guess. But that’s not the case for me. It seems like the care and support/love that my boyfriend offers is not enough, it’s like I need more and more. Everytime he acts kindly to me, I feel that longing over and over again. I desperately need that attention, but I have hard time receiving that attention. I’m not sure how I feel about myself not deserving or deserving, it sometimes feels like I deserve more love than I actually receive. But then again I might be in that contradiction as well, whether or not worthy, I desperately need it.

    What is his diagnosis, if I may ask? And why did his therapist quit their sessions? Did they suggest someone else?

    There isn’t any clear diagnosis, as far as I know. I didn’t want to overwhelm him regarding his therapies, so I didn’t poke my nose that much, which might’ve been a mistake. We’ve been living together for one year now and I don’t know most of the medication he has used. I guess I have a part of myself which tends to be distant as well, I might stay distant at some issues or situations like my mother. I need the attention but I have troubles giving the same attention I guess.

    I guess the doctors mentioned major depression and that’s all. Although, we thought he might have Borderline Personality Disorder. But I also heard that doctors tend to stay away from harsh expressions to make less mistakes during the treatment, I’m not sure. As for the psychiatrist that quit, he used to have this one psychologist and they did have a connection. I guess they did therapies for a long time, but she literally grew up with him. The psychologist was a bit young and she learned much with him, last summer when he asked for her help, she suggested that he should seek help from a more professional, experienced psychiatrist with a cognitive behavioral therapy background.

    Then he did look for someone and found this professor with all those experiences and went to get therapy from her even though it was very expensive. She prescribed him all those heavy meds and told that the therapy would start after their effects start as well. Then he started to experience these tantrums or mental breakdowns even more often. It was like the tantrums got heavier day by day. He started to harm his belongings, like his computer or the door during an argument. He was also harming himself during or after those tantrums. After a couple of months and 3-4 sessions, I guess, that psychiatrist wanted to quit working with him. He was texting her asking for help during those months and I thought that she was kind of tired of this. But when I read everything he has texted, I realized there was nothing wrong with the messages. They were not a lot, not at all. He was just asking for help, and she didn’t even reply. I still have resentment towards that doctor, I feel very upset about this. I cannot imagine how bad it must’ve been for him.

    Then another friends’ suggestion was this psychiatrist from another city, so the sessions would be online. He called her and they talked, but this one suggested that online therapy would not be enough and he should seek professional help in a clinic face-to-face or even something like rehab. But the university kept giving different doctors to him everytime he went there. There wasn’t any consistency at all.

    You seem to have a very exhausting and demanding job, which hardly gives you any free time. Is there a way to make it a little less exhausting, or could you find another job?

    This is my first job after graduation. I used to work all the time during my school years, I’ve started working when I was 15. I used to consider myself as a workaholic. However, this job is making me get rid of that title and concept. I know that I cannot spend my life, even a year of my life, working this hard, at a office, trying to please my boss. I am working 9 hours everyday and Saturdays are included as well. And I spend my Sundays with laundry, personal hygiene or cleaning. So it feels really bad to get home at night and try to relax, sleep for a while and then go back to work. It basically never ends and this suffocates me. I have a perfectionist boss who is not satisfied with anything, so the most stressfull thing is the boss. However, I decided that I must go on till I cannot anymore to put some money aside for my future. Maybe for a masters degree abroad or another opportunity, I’ll need money and I’m trying to earn that money at the moment.

    I’m sorry for this long post, but my colleague is playing depressive songs in his computer so I’m very influenced by that. So I wanted to express my feelings and thoughts more. I’ve talked with my mother last night for 1.5 hours on the phone. She kept going on and on about how he is a very good person but we cannot live like this. She is concerned, very concerned. She thinks that he manipulates me without knowing. She also suggested ‘me getting scared for losing him this much’ is related with ego. I was a bit more rational last night, I was able to talk, then sleep. But right now I am feeling as vulnerable/weak as a very thin glass. I feel like I cannot continue my life without him.

    #375105
    miyoid
    Participant

    Will do, thank you for everything.

    #375100
    miyoid
    Participant

    I totally see your point and I have to agree. I also asked this to myself from time to time, however, I know he does everything to be better towards me. So I cannot blame him for that. Also, from what I’ve heard or saw, he already does that. He does hold himself from expressing so many thoughts. His mind is full with them. So sometimes he can slip up and say a few of them. As for the finals, I’m surprised how he managed to complete all of them, I saw how hard it was for him to try and go on, though. I guess I’ll have to observe my thoughts, my mind and him during our separation (his trip to his hometown) and then act accordingly. I know that I’d feel terrible, I’d feel terrible. But even if I get laid off from work because of my performance being terrible, I would stay alive. I would feel neutral from time to time. It would be terrible mostly but I would see the neutral moments as well.

    You can see below how I can act rational sometimes. This applies to all humanbeings I guess.

    #375094
    miyoid
    Participant

    Although trying to run from the possibility of pain seems a little childish and that’s what I’ve been doing. I guess I’ll have to accept the things as they are and try to get better with my own help, not anybody else’s.

    #375092
    miyoid
    Participant

    Dear Anita and TeaK,

    Thank you so much for your kind and detailed advices. I will be reading again at home and I’ll try to implement these. I’ve read last posts at the office and it was hard for me to not cry during those moments. If someone is understanding me, showing me empathy or showing me kindness about these deep topics, I burst into tears, I cannot help it. Although I show ultimate attention to not cry in front of others, and that does not include my boyfriend. He is the only person right now that listens, cares that much and can stand my crying. Therefore, It will be really hard for me to get used to live without him or be without him even for a week. He completed his finals and planned his trip to his hometown. He’ll be gone this Thursday and I don’t know how much he’ll stay. I encouraged him to not hurry, stay calm and decide for the moving thing later. I don’t want him to feel all alone but he feels that way, I suppose. He doesn’t see her hometown as a place to live, stay. He doesn’t feel home in our current home, I guess. But I have a feeling that he’ll miss our home and realize that it was like home, after he has left it and I feel sorry for that already.

    During the Valentine’s Day, he bought some flowers and a little gift. I had bought a gift box as well. We’ve spent our day like we were still valentines. He was a bit stable, then. Days went by and we were good, we were separate, but we were together. I even thought it can be good again and we can keep going. I still have doubts. I’m ready to forgive him, I might’ve already done. He, on the other hand, would never forgive himself.

    Today, he feels bad again. He texts me saying he doesn’t want to exist at all, again. I can get professional help as long as I have this exhausting job. I even got an appointment for the next month, an online therapy. But it seems like there are not any psychiatrist or psychologist good enough to help him. I don’t know what can be done, he doesn’t know as well. Being abandoned by one of the best and the most expensive psychiatrists around here, he feels helpless, I guess.

    I’ll have to keep going by waking up everyday, running to the office, working for hours and hours, getting back home exhausted, sleep for a couple of hours and do the same thing over and over. That would be the case whether he stays or leaves.

    #374610
    miyoid
    Participant

    It sounds like me, yes. I can actually look for some addiction relief methods as well. Yesterday, I got off from work and he did shopping for the house like we were going to live together. Then we talked, and talked for hours, till we sleep. I told him that we could decide for us slowly. I also showed him some of my messages from friends about him. One friend actually suggested that I could give an ultimatom saying ‘whether you get a decent therapy, maybe including a rehab or you’ll be losing me’. He liked this idea and told me that he never wants to lose me at all. And he suggested this ultimatom:
    “whether this goes on and i’ll get a therapy and also a new house, or not..”

    This ultimatom was doable for him I guess. He saw these conditions applicable since he was faced with the concept of ‘losing me’. However, I was the little girl from my childhood. I kept thinking about how I’ll be missing him, how it will be terrible to see his room empty, how it will be terrible to come home after work and not eat dinner with him. He actually taught me so many things about love, in the end. That’s why this is so different from my other relationships. He was like a caregiver, like I said. He is, when not influenced by any episodes or neurosis, someone capable of loving people. He can grasp that our souls matter more than any other thing. He cares for the people for who they are, such a loving person. And maybe that’s the reason why he was so damaged. I would sincerely wish that everybody in this world became like him. Then, it would be possible to trust everyone. It might sound weird for me to say these stuff for someone that cheated on me but I really mean these. And I feel like there won’t be anybody else like him again, I feel like I won’t be able to trust anybody. I can clearly see how men act and how cruel and selfish people are especially in today’s world.

    So right now, he is thinking to handle the last finals he has for a few days, the most. And then he’ll stay at his friends’ just to not waste any time and be done with this separation thing. He genuinely still loves me and he is not bad right now. But he believes that a neurosis will happen again and when that happens, he won’t be upsetting me anymore. So he’ll stay at some friends’ house, then go back to his hometown for a while and then maybe he’ll find a house when he comes back. But this upsets me, because he’s willing to do all these kinds of stuff, including having some financial problems as well to give me a break. This breaks my heart and I cannot imagine how will I be when he does and leaves, being uncomfortable at some sofa he doesn’t like and this feeling is really familiar. I’m feeling really guilty for someone that loves me. I’m feeling really guilty for something they did, just because their sincere love towards me.

    I guess it was like 9 years ago, when I was in 7-8th grade. I was in summer break and my mom used to work for really long hours. I was spending my whole time on the computer and didn’t move much then. She used to get up in the morning, go outside and get me some breakfast stuff, like little newly cooked pastry from the same place and get back home. She used to go outside after giving me the pastry and then she’ll head to work. This cycle repeated for 2-3 months and I don’t remember how I felt during those days. I guess I ignored how I felt and focused on the computer. But now, every time I remember this, I burst into tears, I cannot help myself. I feel so guilty for letting her do this, every single day. I mean I had my own legs you know, I could’ve have go outside with her and then I can get back home after we stop at that pastry shop.

    I might be getting upset about this specific thing but looking at the big picture, I was actually feeling guilty towards all the things she had to go through alone. Even if I was with her, I was just a kid. I couldn’t help her that much. And I had my own selfish moments as well. I still feel guilty about the computer she bought for me on my 14th birthday. She couldn’t made enough money but still, she was doing the thing that my dad didn’t do. She was actually spending that little money she earned for us, for us. She tried to make me happy. She actually bought me some furniture, a bed, a desk a closet and I remember it was a bit rushed, so I couldn’t think it through. I couldn’t block her so she bought this enormous gift for me. It was really nice for a week, I was really excited, but then I started to feel guilty again. I wish this didn’t happen, I wish she didn’t spend all this money for this, i thought. And I was even embarrassed of it, of the furniture i had. Years passed, I went to another city for university and those furniture kept waiting for me. I didn’t use them, so I found someone on the internet and sold all the furniture for like 350 dollars and gave the money to my mom. She was in need of some money then, so it was a nice move. I had a relief by doing this.

    So this feeling kind of haunts me. I feel the same thing with him. I feel so guilty because of all the love that is directed towards me. I feel like I cannot love them in the same way and that makes me really upset.

    I’m really curious about what these stuff would make you think.

    • This reply was modified 3 weeks, 1 day ago by miyoid.
    #374524
    miyoid
    Participant

    Dear Felix,

    As a girl, not Chinese, family is the last thing when it comes to choosing a guy. It may tell you a lot about the person’s character and outlook on life. But it cannot be a dealbreaker. Also, your family seems like a cute, cozy little family. Think about the crowded families with lots of drama and problems. Those have their down-sides as well. Even though I don’t know anything about how a Chinese girl would think, generally, I can honestly say that when two people love and care about each other, whether you have a family or not wouldn’t change anything. Although, you have a family! And that lucky girl might even think your family is better. I doubt all those Chinese girls surrounded by over-protective families must’ve had enough with all the crowd. They might need a peaceful family at some point.

    #374522
    miyoid
    Participant

    Dear Felix, do you have some people around you that you can communicate deeply? I feel like only way to feel better and take care of that emotional baggage (not getting rid of it but minimizing the affect of it) is only possible with deep bonding with people, and additionally with animals as well if possible. At least that’s what I feel about myself and also your post.

    #374514
    miyoid
    Participant

    I also feel like I’m in denial as well. I wish this never happened cause I’m not sure how to make a radical decision. His behaviors are just some trials to feel alive. He wants to be dead almost every second. I’m sure when he wakes up (I won’t be home ofc) he’ll remember what happened at night and he’ll want to kim himself. I doubt he’ll do that. But I know he’ll feel terrible for making me cry again. Also I’ve never felt dumbed because of being cheated on before, this is the first time I feel dumbed.

    #374509
    miyoid
    Participant

    He tried to support me every time, even when I didn’t need it. He is still trying to do so while he is under influence. I’m not sure how will I be able to let go of this. I desperately need this support to stay alive.

    #374508
    miyoid
    Participant

    Well he cheated on me, he flirted with that girl and that girl came into our house knowing that I exist. I was at the office every single day so he managed to do this. He says that he was only trying to ‘feel something’. It didn’t work and I just tried to get some attention. He says that he was not sincere at all. Although he is on another medication and he was asleep the whole time. I sneaked into his phone after he slept just to send myself the number of the old psychologist of his, and then I snapped. I read everything and then woke him up. He couldn’t do anything much and tried to make me sleep as well, trying to delay the talk for later when he is not under influence of some medications.

     

    I honestly don’t know what to do, I feel sad about him and me. If I want him to move out, then I’ll be feeling upset about him living in someplace worse, crashing at a sofa somewhere or smt like that. I will be missing him too much, I sometimes saw him like a caregiver to me, he behaved like this. But other than that, I’ll be a complete wreck tomorrow at my shift since it’s way past my bedtime and he sleeps very well, I guess. It’s because of the medications, though.

    I don’t know, I cannot even tell this to my friends. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I must look for some self-respect. My fears, abandonment issues are all freaking out and fighting with the self-respect. I even got a box Valentine’s Day gift for him today and planned this dinner thing in my head. I feel, Idk, burnt out. I feel empty, shocked, I’ve been cheated on before. Several several times, but the thing is, I feel bad because he was able to care for her. I guess he just played her, so that might not be a real intimacy at all. I have absolutely no idea what to do at this point, I would chose to just stay in bed and sleep for days and not decide for a while. But I have to get up in 3 hours and try to make my eyes look better because of all the swelling crying will cause.

    #372586
    miyoid
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I’ve bought a CBT book with my boyfriend’s recommendation months ago. He didn’t read it as well but he knows about the author and he also knows CBT. However, since he didn’t read it, i didn’t read it as well. I read like 100 pages and then let it go. And the reason is that the book says simple things, so simple that one would stop and think ‘Is that the thing that would make me better? I doubt it.’. Since it’s really basic, i didn’t continue reading it. But even though it’s basic, I have hard time doing that basic stuff. So I will be start reading it again. Not just the book, though. I will be reading stuff about CBT as well.

    Thank you again. Usually what makes me feel worse is the first reaction to an event. When something happens and triggers my fear, the first reaction I can give is some kind of shock and anxiety within me. It’s like the anxiety starts from the center of my chest and then it expands. And I keep feeding it, expands more and more. I have to learn not to feed it. And also I have to learn how to handle it and prevent it.

    #372279
    miyoid
    Participant

    Yet another perspective you’ve made me see, dissociating. Thank you anita, I am not sure what I need to work on as a step now. I might try to read more, observe more and I can try to understand how I won’t die if I would get abandoned again. Thank you for the wise answers.

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