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    I hope you are feeling better and I hope you will get better very soon Anita.

    Thank you for your nice words. I will limit, and maybe already limited my communication with her.

    Lately I feel like I have outgrown my friends a lot. It’s like, I have no friend or an acquaintance that would be able to understand what I am going through. Not because it’s horrible, i don’t think it’s horrible. I am lucky in a way, compared to many people on this planet. But because they cannot understand, because most of them are stuck in a bubble. I am also stuck in a bubble but I feel like my bubble has grown a bit and got thickened (?).

    So I feel like I can ask for help in many areas, but I cannot ask for life advice. However, I give many life advice/relationship advice when I can, to them. Sometimes a flirtatious thing my friend is going through that I am trying to help with my limited time, seems so trivial. I keep seeing the same thing my friend is struggling with and repeating, and cannot help but think how childish is that. How childish is some of the conversations they’re having.

    I hope that this is not the bad kind of ego talking here.

    When it comes to my perception of life that needs nourishing, I read rarely and it helps. Enlightens me. And I am lucky to write here and get responses from you as well, wanted to express that gratitude, not because it’s good to express, but because it’s really a lucky thing to have. Honestly.


    I think being best might mean aligning with what you have done and having no problems with that.

    Knowing from within what you want, or a type of thing you *might* want (for instance success, or money or a better life) and knowing that maybe today has been a day for a good improvement and being done that, or having done slight bit of improvement, or maybe non because of laziness or an excuse. But knowing you were not able to do what you wanted to do for whatever reason, you can make an effort to make it up for it the next day.

    I think being your best includes that. Being true to what you want, trying to achieve it while taking responsibility of your own capabilities and shortcomings. Being true to your mind, sincere to your goals.


    Hey Anita, I am well. I hope you have been nice, healthy, and peaceful and continue to be like that.

    I remember reading your last answer a couple times since it made all the sense. There has been many new stuff, but mostly, it’s still the same. I hope you are well. I kept my sanity by looking/watching horoscopes actually! Funny. I have been trying to find a solution to my job issue and have been also continuing the bureaucracy about my bf moving in with me and getting a visa, they declined him. Then I had to go back, urgently, and even though it is not possible to arrange everything in 3 days, (it takes months sometimes to find a date), we managed to make the impossible possible and got married in just a few days and I rushed back, to use that for him to come. Still waiting for that to happen (10 months in long distance, i think we’re dealing with it well) In the same time, I am also trying to find new solutions, freelance gigs like i did in the past. Have conversations and contacts that I am trying to feed little by little, giving everyone a piece of effort so it can flourish to be a business deal of some sort. There has been some people/companies that let me down after giving me hope, but that’s alright.

    The most tiring thing is the long process and keeping the chin up, I guess. Sometimes I just want to lay down for months but that’s not an option. I am giving my full effort not to look desperate, because that doesn’t help when you are looking for solutions and jobs, trying to look my best for each meetup and meeting. Creating some stuff over the days. All in all, we’re doing out best, separately, sometimes I am encouraging him and sometimes he does that to me. I never hold in when I feel like crying, i feel like if i hide something, that would harm me a lot. So just letting myself flow, of course not with everyone, just with him and on my own.

    I have been feeling how far I’ve come, honestly. I can see how my mind is changing, and how fast I am growing. Even though I am on my own and I do feel like I live comfortably, in a lucky flat, that can make me think that I am still lucky but I still struggle and try to keep myself on track, keep on trying. Because I didn’t want to give up just yet. Building a life is not easy.

    In all the things that are happening, upsetting me one way or another, business things are not the most hurtful one. I am not taking that personally, at all. It’s like, as if the life is making me do the hard thing. It’s like, I am not able to find a comfy thing. I was expecting to find a stable job, and just keep it simple. But as I see, that’s not possible for me, for now. I am not able to land on something simple and just be, I have to build something in some way. I have to take the highroad and do something on my own, or with partners, maybe. I also applied for a masters degree here and got accepted, that was something out of blue, and i now feel like I have to make it possible to stay here to complete that while working.

    so there’s that.

    i don’t know how logical for me to see things that way, not sure. I might be acting a bit delusional when it comes to seeing all those rejections and bad luck-sort of, as a re-direction for me. I would like to be working for someone else’s company, brand. But that’s not happening, even though I am offering everything they need, for some reason that is not happening at all. lol. so just trying to see things from a different perspective.

    and aside from all the things, i have been thinking about friends as well. I have been realizing some shifts in my friendships, and some of the people i cared for, helped in my old life, are not being nice with me because i stopped caring for them without being asked. It’s like, since I stopped doing what I did, they thought I was being distant. But maybe I didn’t have time and the energy, so why not care for me this time instead of focusing on yourself?

    Also have been thinking about specific people, and trying to figure out what’s happening. But that’s not a good thing for me to keep my mind busy about, but it just happens. If I were to find out, maybe I would stop. But it’s the doubt that keeps me going. For instance, a friend that has been giving me some mixed signals within the texts, confuses me. She asked me months and months back, “What is holding you there? Why not quit? Why do you stand there and hold all the stress, and keep trying? Is it really worth it?” Then I couldn’t really process and told her that this is not something we can know for sure and we just have to keep trying or keep waiting to find out. She didn’t like my answer, and thought I was being distant. But I really didn’t like her question then. It wasn’t a question I liked to talk about, i was in a hard position and all I need was positivity. Not someone that would tell me all the negative stuff I would already calculated in my mind. I wouldn’t want that from a friend.

    I have faced that and got a response that those were not written in bad intentions at all. Then replied with what that made me feel. She even told me that I was being touchy, because maybe I was distant from everyone else and alone. When I am not happy with some comment I got, and when a friend is not being careful with me when I need the care the most, especially when I did that for them in the past, the fact that she told me that “maybe I am misunderstanding because I am alone” was not for me. Instead of taking accountability, she blamed me for being touchy.

    All in all, we got it resolved, or that’s what I thought.

    I still feel like she has those feelings that I cannot quite understand. I don’t like when people see living abroad as a very big privilege. It’s actually not, and I have known that before, guessed that, listened stories about that. So when I came here, I didn’t have pink dreams. I knew that things would be hard. And when people have that type of mind, ideas when talking with me, I try to give them a real point of view. Maybe I’ve done that too many times and some friends thought I was miserable? I don’t know. I would rather be sincere and not fake anything. But then I tried to express positive stuff too. It’s like she is ignoring or even not looking at what I express, in a positive way. Not knowing intentions, makes you confused. I think I really care what she thinks but cannot figure out what’s happening, that’s all. If I had a clue on she might be jealous or something, that would’ve been relaxing me but that’s also not the case. I don’t think she is kind of person to be jealous.

    stuff like that, i catch myself not seeing things clearly here, so it’s been making my mind busy on some level.


    It seems like you also live close to the north pole, a bit. But not sure. I hope you have had a nice Jan and February. I appreciate your responds a lot, thank you for your understanding and companionship.

    Yes, I have been realizing more and more how others are able to ASK, without guilt, or shame. I try to make sure I am not stepping on anyone, upsetting anyone or using my credits within people. I learned to think that I have a limited amount of credit in people and always tried to act upon that so that I wouldn’t lose anyone outside of my control. It’s even like “use your resources cautiously so that you would have them when you most need it” type of mentality. I do that with people, money, everything. The only thing I do not act accordingly with this mentality is myself and my own resources, my attention, my emotions and so on.

    However, seeing that how others can carelessly ask for stuff, trivial or important stuff, they do not care about the credit they have within people. They just ask, act, live. Some of them do that in a spoiled way and that has driven me crazy as you saw in my previous posts.

    I also always acted with a passive thought in my mind that is “resource can be limited, be careful“. Therefore, when I do have access to resources, money or any food/stuff I am buying for the house, I always think with a “you might not be able to find this thing again, or in this price, so act accordingly, with caution.” Even years before we had this global crisis and war, I had my mind on stocking stuff within my financial power that time in my house so that I would be safe, for another 2 months maybe.

    This is something I am realizing clearly now. I am in a country with less inflation, so stocking stuff doesn’t seem too rational to me and I might also need the money regarding the job situations. So when I stop myself from buying that extra detergent, I realize my old habits of seeing resources and money. How that has affected me in every possible way. My mind practically had a war and a global crisis at all times.

    Also the friend of me here, which was the reason I posted this specific post has randomly tried to give me a toothpaste when I was visiting. She founded the tube in her bag, instead of taking it to the bathroom, she offered it to me. I kindly rejected, said “oh why would you, put it there and use it, I also have it and can purchase an-nytime.”, then she commented on that saying “you never accept things easily, just accept it for god’s sake” and went to the bathroom to put it there instead.

    I already knew that feature of mine, but it got me thinking even more. Instead of instantly rejecting a random thing that was offered to me, why my first instinct is not accepting? Those people that I have resented for being spoiled, and some of them I still do have those types of feelings towards, their first instinct would have been to accept it. Either it is money, products, anything.

    Thank you for rationalizing or better yet, appreciating/accepting my feelings in the previous post.

    It feels like I am even more closer to my own-self here far away from practically everyone else that has a big space in my mind till today, and my own-self actually feels like the moments of my passions and good feelings I had in my childhood on my own. Those little moments that I was in my head, living the moment on my own. Those feel like the moments that I was my authentic self the most.

    I would wish that we could have came here together at the same time with my partner as I wouldn’t worry about finances or anything else this much, but as a result of my solitude here for months (already 5 months here alone, it’s crazy how time passes), I am observing myself and my past a lot. And I can really feel how these job crises and other emotional hardships of moving here alone has contributed to my confidence, I can feel the slight changes each day and how it actually feels to actually build a life with small steps. The only problem we have with my partner is slight jealousy stuff that don’t get bigger (and i was the one being jealous), financials since i don’t feel safe and he doesn’t have a job at the moment and still applies, and he gets depressive when he gets rejected by each job. I sometimes get a bit afraid if I am investing my financials and health into him in the right way.

    I try to save up more for any type of expenses that might arise from the fact that we still haven’t evacuated the flat with the lawsuit and have paid for many stuff in the past 5 months, he also paid as well but maybe not as much as I did? I sometimes stop and think if I did good or not. Can I trust him that way, would he put the same effort as myself and work, earn and actually make me feel better about all the stuff we have faced. It’s like, I am putting myself at risk but with intentions that he would be worth doing that. So far, I don’t think he would use me. But I guess I have a built in fear about being used. He doesn’t have that, so I tried to explain my anxiety on financials. He made his applications even more aggressively afterwards and tried to report me in some way how he’s also trying. He understood and maybe found himself in the wrong and trying better. These types of thoughts make me feel stingy, or weird, but all I am trying to do is to make sure that I am not being used. I start having expectations of him earning more than me once he comes (hence the skills he has) and therefore I can feel more secure in the long run.


    How quickly the time passes, I have read, found comfort in your reply and then waited till I can reply with more calm, then it’s already almost 3 weeks. Thank you for the support Anita! How are you?


    whosh huh what did I just do there, it feels like I’ve just poured 20 years of wound. It was painful to write, and think but I somehow feel more relief. Still surprised that all those came out after one sentence from my BF. It was just a funny memory to him. I cried for more than an hour writing those, feels very weird. I cried about stuff that has happened 15 years ago, 3,033 kms away. How much distance does that make? Looked up the kilometers btw.


    In the last paragraph,

    “I didn’t want to ask from him in a bad way, so I just said to myself, one more month of rent, one more, one more till I feel insecure.”

    I meant I postponed thinking about this and continue paying till I feel insecure financially. Since it’s from my bank, it was just paid automatically and I didn’t want to calculate anything towards him.


    Thank you Anita, it’s decided that I will have to leave and find a new job, I’ll do that with the best of my abilities. Grieved a bit, it feels like my grief is ending slowly and then I will work on improving myself for another job where I wouldn’t be treated like this.

    On the other side, I am seeing examples of how other “care-free” people, how other irresponsible people gets to be treated with lots of help. It kind of started to affect me a lot, observing my thoughts. I have always had something towards those people. The thoughts that I can collect:

    – This week we have heard that my uncle’s heart condition has gotten a bit serious and he’s in need of a serious treatment or he’ll just die. My mom called me to ask, “if we can find a treatment, can he stay at your apartment during the treatment? (where my current BF lives)” I told her that I would do my best, it’s not exactly my house right now since he lives in it. I’ll ask kindly and I’ll hope he’ll accept that. However, then I got angry.

    The reason why he got this sick is that he continued with his terrible alcoholism even after a heart attack & all doctors told him not to do that!!! with lots of exclamation points. He has a toxic family, his two children, especially the little one, asks for money all the time, always finding financial excuses for him to be unsuccessful at school. Probably will fail (I’ve been trying to provide him support, the child, so that he’ll succeed in exams but he’s not doing anything and he’s accepting that he’s lazy.) Blames on financial stuff, pandemic and so on.

    My mother has supported that family a lot. A lot that she actually has been a mother to my uncle when she was supposed to be my mother. I reminded that to my mother recently, in that phone call.

    That uncle has been visiting our home, after my mom’s divorce: we were living together with my mom, and she was unemployed back then trying to handle some jobs like sewing, etc. herself and trying to make ends meet with me (primary school) and my sister (going to university back then). My uncle visited our house every week asking for money, crying, telling about his own terrible life and conditions. He made the second child in order to save the relationship but it failed, and even I was angry that he created another life in those so called poor conditions.

    Nothing has changed, he has never been able to give us a good impression. I have learned that his wife actually tricked him into thinking she had cancer and took lots of money from him in the past years, which was a lie. She didn’t have cancer. Lots of toxic stuff, always had some relations to money.

    I reminded my mother that he actually not only harmed her, but also me.

    He could’ve just asked her, how are you, you recently got divorced. How are you? He never did that, it was always about how he needed so much stuff, how he couldn’t even buy a bread towards home for that child waiting.

    I am honestly sick of this. Really, honestly, very very much sick of this shit where care-free people always count on others and somehow always get something from them. They turn their life hell, but also effect others. I have never spent too much on anything, and always thought of my next rent, which I don’t feel regretful about. Maybe I cannot enjoy life as others? I don’t care. I wouldn’t enjoy without feeling safe anyways, so I postpone my joy. Last year, there has been an incident where my uncle was a guest in my mom’s house, I was not there, and he drank too much alcohol and then attacked randomly. My step-father had to jump to him, hold him in floor lying so that he wouldn’t harm anyone including himself. He is sick, and I got so angry hearing about these. In this random attacking, my mom’s knee was bruised. After this final incident, my step-father had to step in and called it a day. Told me, “That’s it, he will not be a part of our life anymore, he harmed your mother enough, you stay away from him too, he’s sick, that’s all.”  And I was relieved. Because this fight was only one incident from our lives, he always drank too much alcohol, shouting, even getting arrested by police because of some neighbors calling police. He always made me uncomfortable when I was a child, even though, I was able to connect with him because he was soft/emotional. This was the reason why my mom always tried to find a solution for him financially or in practice like finding him jobs.

    I don’t feel bad about him anymore, my priority is not him. His children can do that. I don’t have any emotion there besides anger. I don’t have energy for those people anymore. I was affected without my consent, I didn’t even chose to help him, but my mother did. One of the reasons why I started working so early was the fact that I saw and heard about those money problems. He could’ve just worked in one job, stayed there for lots of time and then get his shit together. Instead, he always wanted to get rich, so he never chose to earn in a humble way. But he is filled with anger and resentment towards everyone that has earned humble. He always found my mom to blame, “You were lucky, you got lucky.”, “I didn’t raise my children like you, they are not as lucky as yours, so they have a right to be unsuccessful, I cannot force them.”

    I was not successful in school, not at all. I am realizing how emotionally insecure I felt during primary school and I have never focused in class. Never. Always trying to find a distraction, always. My success came in when I started to earn money and then I got confidant a bit more and more and that was all my success.

    I felt relieved that my step-dad was healthy enough to protect my mom from him. He has healthier boundaries, my mom has none. Maybe because of the fact that her parents died young, he always felt the need to take care of her siblings. They were 8 brothers and sisters, 3 of them died in childhood and one of them died when I was a child, from cancer. 4 were left, and the oldest brother is this one. The other two are trying to make their own ends meet. They have learned how to do that with the help of my mom at last.

    Maybe you already know this, but in muslim countries, there are festive periods in each year where old people in the family give money to young ones, like rituals. Stuff like Ramadan or stuff like that, children always collect money and count it, feel better, etc. They have never given me that experience. I was never able to collect money like that, like a normal child. So I still feel resentment towards that.

    So after this news, that he is very seriously ill and might die, my mom was so sad, and the boundary that I felt good about, the boundary that needed to exist 20 years ago, has been once again broken.

    When she asked me to persuade my BF into staying with my uncle, which is very toxic, and might even talk about my old BFs to him (why not? he doesn’t act intentionally, and he might blurp and make him uncomfortable) and even the fact that me persuading my BF into staying with my uncle can harm us. And when I think about how bad I can be influenced again? I feel so much anger. He is not the only reason why I have wounds, I have so many other areas and people, like my father. But I might say that the reason why I find so much “value-related meaning” in money stems from my dad, my uncles, and some other newer people in my like that has contributed my root-wounds. Like my father creating that I am no worthy of spending money over and then it gets stronger with what my uncles did and my mom has more issues financially, and since those were not hidden from me, I see everything and act accordingly and then learn, learn learn, and then the people in my life also act like it or I just collect all the clues where they do act stingy. So that’s probably what has happened.

    I am not sure if I created a good story line, but what made me write this long post? We have talked with my BF today, right before writing these. Just a random conversation. He told me that last year, he has sent money o his sister (which is one year older than me) so that she could buy an expensive phone to her. Because of the inflation and everything, it’s not very easy to buy those. Instead of using a economical one (which he’s been using the same device since we met, which is also economical) he sent her some money so that she could buy the phone she has been wanting to have. Instead, she went and bought a tv and then that tv got faulty, stuff like that, troubles and troubles. He just told me this story making fun of this. “She could’ve bought the phone and then she wouldn’t need the tv, which she cannot use anymore anyways, lol” in type of way. Not sounding resentful in any way. Not blaming her, just appreciating and accepting how she is. I haven’t met her, but she is like the youngest of 3 siblings and acts like it. I am also the youngest of 2 siblings, and I don’t act remotely like the younger sister. The sister compare doesn’t hurt me as much. I don’t care about the affection I should’ve gotten from my sister. I don’t expect anything from there financially or emotionally anymore, I think. I am grateful as long as she can take care of herself. The part that hurts me most is the fact that he was able to do that to her, the acception, affection, “you should have better than me, you want it more than me and you deserve it” type of mind, he doesn’t care if he has a better phone and thinks she should have it, because why not.”

    Not because she would do anything good with it, just because she wants it.

    I think of what I was told, when everyone else was handed in nice phones around 2009-2010 and I also want one for myself but never had courage to ask for it, from anyone. Everyone including the successful friends, unsuccessful ones, doesn’t matter was getting a phone. I still remember how my step-mother maybe guessed that I might also want a phone, and then hinted that to my father. He was so stingy, the stingiest person I’ve ever seen. Because of that hint, he made an indirect comment saying everyone deserves stuff, and what did I do to deserve a phone? Nothing. If I was successful, maybe.

    Then after some time, step-mom was successful. She made him buy me a humble phone which I got so excited about. That might be the last thing I kind of have him bought for me in that sense. I have never asked anything from him and always got my stuff myself. Step-mom was a healthy person, I still feel grateful for her. She did “what mom did for my sister for ages”. She did what a thoughtful person would do. I find that valuable, but I also find pain in what she did, because she felt the need to do that. It wasn’t that he didn’t have money by the way, but he basically didn’t like spending on us.

    Another feeling I can think of was from a secret santa from primary school.

    Background information: He was surprisingly good to others, which I’ve mentioned before. I have never grasp that fully until I started reading about narcissistic tendencies. He was never giving to me, never generous to me in any way, but always trying to impress others. Others in life that he didn’t have. He also tried to impress my friends, probably aiming to impress their families. This has harmed me a lot. Even turned me against my friends, never acted on it but I was seeing the contradiction and having feelings towards it. I spill something in the house, and I was treated so bad. But a friend of mine, a guest, spills something, breaks something, acts care-free, and doesn’t get anything besides more good behaviors. I saw all that, couldn’t say anything, couldn’t understand why, just observing. All in all, that was the friend that deserved her phone after phone because she was successful. I still have that friend, she is healthy, still successful. I did resented or had jealousy in the past, but not anymore. I have moved on from her, but kept that toxic feelings with other care-free people. Maybe really care-free this time. Got better observation skills maybe?

    So this tendency to care for others in my dad, happened in secret santa. We shopped and got the boy I was giving the gift to – a nice toy, a nice ball and a something to hang on the wall. I still remember, it was a creative gift, moderate but not so cheap I feel, something that we thought of. He loved the gift. And then I was gifted something from another boy, that I didn’t think was bought for me. Maybe his mom bought a deodorant and she didn’t like the smell, so they gave it to me. I kind of got angry with that boy then, I told him that I was sorry and angry about it. He was clueless, maybe forgot the thing one hour later. I still remember that day and feel guilty because how irrespective of me to dislike a gift. I wouldn’t be able to direct my bad feelings towards my dad, I didn’t know who was responsible for that bad feeling. So I understand that misdirection now.

    Maybe I still feel conflicted, confused about these. My BF is a generous person, I know that in theory, feeling it, but haven’t experienced that yet in a way that would make me sure. He got me one gift that felt good, it was last year’s new year. I felt so confused because of that. Then I started to think to myself, maybe I am becoming like that at last, receiving and giving expensive gifts. Then there were financial instabilities in his life, and my house got confusing, the lawsuit, the expenses of the lawsuit and all, I’ve still been paying for most of the expenses there even though I rented a house here in another country. I didn’t want to ask from him in a bad way, so I just said to myself, one more month of rent, one more, one more till I feel insecure. This was possible because I worked two jobs at the same time last year. Maybe me doing that, not asking him to pay directly, was a result of me thinking he was not in a perfect situation and I didn’t want him to feel uncomfortable. He was not like not paying for anything, he offered me his help in different ways. I haven’t took most of them, but accepted once. So maybe I also felt bad there, I was thinking about so many stuff, in order to not hurt anyone, and actually, the surprising thing is that I am able to do that. I have worked a lot and maybe I was lucky in saving money. But learning about how he actually sent lots of money to his sister for a phone, which is older than me, feels bad. I hate these thoughts, I shouldn’t be thinking about these stuff. But I do. I haven’t said anything when he told me that, I just responded randomly and then we got off the phone and then I started crying. Writing these, I see it more clearly, but I don’t think sharing these thoughts with him would result in a good way. Maybe omitting the sister part, and then talking about it would make more sense.


    You told that it gets totally dark by 5 pm, and when does the sunset start?

    Gym is a very good hack, I have always done yoga and other stuff myself alone at home. But trying gym for the first time, I am realizing how good you can feel by just doing a simple exercise with your headphones on. Even just using an elliptical bicycle or walking.


    It will be shut down for sure, I am trying to have some opportunities within the company in different departments but they have already started the legal stuff so i am not sure what will happen there. Will try my best, and hope for the best but this might be a bit of a racist thing they’re doing even though I am not sure since there are no reason to shut this down, we’ve been doing a perfect job especially now that I was here. However, I will need another job as soon as sth happens here both because of my expenses like rent and all and also because i have moved here for work, so i will need to approve i am working asap to be able to have the visa not cancelled. I am hopeful, there are some jobs i’ve looked up, I kind of have the time I need, but ofc I am hoping for the best result/the most comfy result I can get. Since the day I’ve learned the news, I’ve been a bit more sensitive, depressed. A bit better now but from time to time I get emotional very easily. I sense that this job was also something that holds me in place, a reason to feel more safe. Now that it’s going away, and I cannot trust them, I feel a bit like I am abandoned but mostly I am realizing I should do more and more to protect myself. Maybe I’ve been focusing on my work and not learning much for 2 yrs now since it’s been busy, and it’s time to jumpstart to make sure I have more skills.

    He has been a good help, I get emotional and the fact that we’re connected helps a lot. I mention that I wouldn’t be able to survive this well if it wasn’t for him. I would be so alone, so depressed, so rejected. Now at least I can tell everything, cry and then I can feel better at the end after talking with him. I am waiting for the day he gets here, and then he’ll be also working so we wouldn’t be so dependent on one job. One loses a job, the other one keeps earning till a new opportunity is created.


    along with the short update i’ve given, i should add that i have been very aggressive lately mostly should be because of the job thingy and also the sun deficiency but haven’t put that towards my actions. My mind has been aggressive, my tolerance has been below zero for the first time in a very long time. But since I am alone here and not so social (?) maybe i see myself more clearly and can see how aggressive i think and that hasn’t created any problems or arguments. I am just aggressive, sometimes i rant about some stuff (other people, work, world issues, selfish people) and that’s it.

    Being like this makes me feel radical as well, for instance, I realized how selfish a friend is and I have shown no tolerance to her but also didn’t had a fight or an argument. I am just ignoring and not acting towards her, not asking how she is and not offering my help. I am now comfortable with this attitude towards her because I was also feeling bad/awful and she didn’t care/or realize. If she doesn’t ask, why should I, I thought. I am the faulty one in her head probably and I should just learn to ignore this/ignore what people think, enough tolerance was shown to her in the past 6-7 years.

    No tolerance ‘to some people’ policy feels weird but right.

    It seems like i might end up with just 1-2 friends at the end, though.


    Thank you, i felt nice reading that.

    How are you?

    It has been a bit tricky/challenging lately, in a different country (it has been 3 months or so) and 10 days ago my department was told that it’ll be shut down. I have been a bit depressed since, but coping somehow. Not as bad as before, i am trying to go to the gym every chance i get to be able to feel better and hoping that my boyfriend can come here sooner (we don’t know when bureaucracy will let that happen, tricky when you don’t have citizenship you know) When he’s here, everything will be easier for me, kind of trying to stay alright but being alone, and with no sunlight is weird. Will increase my vitamin D and stuff.


    It’s amazing how we communicate here, you helped me a lot. I wanted to say that!


    Dear Anita,

    As for being passive aggressive, I guess I just mixed those with my toxic thoughts in my head. I don’t show them, or behave with them. The worst thing I do can be just keeping an information or stuff to myself, and not sharing. But when I stop questioning that and don’t observe, I remember how bad I can think of some people and not show them that. Then I feel a bit like a hypocrite. Maybe that’s what confuses me and makes me think of myself as a passive aggressive person.

    I guess we need to remember that the sides that we don’t like about ourselves also exist on others, and they do not share it. Thanks for sharing what you think about this and relieving my thoughts about myself.

    Dear Peter,

    I couldn’t quite understand your question. Are you reminding me of how this person challenged me in physical aspects rather than the mental aspects of yoga which I care about?


    I am glad you felt positive, you know that I am just saying what I feel and this is 100% related to how you react/talk so it feels like what I am saying is fully related to you and has nothing to do with me. You should remember how much of a good influence you have on people by just writing and responding.

    As for expecting anger, I am genuinely sorry about this. I guess we expect different negative stuff from people and that is also “a type of projecting”. I get angry when a loved one is defensive around me, this happens sometimes. I also know why they are being defensive, either they are very used to being criticized or something similar. (this defensiveness example has nothing to do with you expecting anger, just in case) You already know all these!

    Today I was alone and I’ve opened up a video-call with my mother and we kept what we were doing. She’s had some dialogues with her husband, I’ve eaten some stuff / worked a bit. We sometimes talked and sometimes just holded without saying anything. When we are physically together, she usually ignores my priorities and I feel neglected so I respond more aggressively resulting in her being more ignorant and me feeling more neglected. So we cannot stay together and keep on having nice convos, it’s not that healthy. But when we’re not together, I don’t see being neglected that much and we can have a nice conversation, so it works. Then as usual, they got angry at each other with her husband. I guess since it’s about 7th years of marriage, it’s normal. But I found myself listening them being angry, and aggressive at each other. Regardless of who’s right or wrong, I felt how fast all of those feelings were transferred to me. I was like a child, listening to the argument taking place where I am at, and having nothing but to listen and soak up all the negativity. Me soaking up all the negativity doesn’t even help them relax, it just happens. I suddenly felt depressed for a moment. Then when they finally shut up, I just told them some stuff to make them relax. I could see how they were both stressed and they were just expressing it by being aggressive to each other.

    I am realizing how I am inclined to feel responsible for others’ misery. If I can see something I can correct or influence, and if that’s about my family, I feel responsible for their pain. I feel guilty, and I cannot understand why that happens.

    About courage, and moving alone: I just postponed how I felt to a point when it was just too late and since moving takes lots of time and planning and all the bureaucracy and working non stop at the same time made me go crazy, i haven’t had much time to be emotional in my last three months. I was so afraid before, when everything was vague. For a year, whenever I remember about this relocation possibility, my hands was shaking, my pulse probably elevated each time. But then when it has happened, i feel so much better than I expected. It just happened all at once. Maybe that’s a good example of how anxiety works.

    I was so afraid of losing him for a job or for a better life. It meant so much more to me, to be able to feel safe. I would find ways to stand still economically no matter what happens with the inflation or the house crisis or earthquakes, whatever. I would pick being safe emotionally, which would eventually end up leaving me unsafe. I just had to pick this road instead.

    I still get a bit anxious towards normal stuff, like jealousy or being afraid that he’ll stop trusting me or trying and so on. But I guess that’s normal. I just think that way because of how I was treated in the past.

    I am so glad that you’ve found my words refreshing, I hope that you’ll have more refreshed&happy days and moments.

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