a 22-year-old confused woman
Forum Replies Created
November 7, 2020 at 5:25 pm #368778
I guess you’re right. I have to look for ways to get to know my traumas and get over them eventually. For the earthquake part, yes people died because of the poor constructions. We’ve learned that two companies actually broke colons in the ground floor, and two buildings collapsed because of that. It’s going to be hard to get used to live without that thoughts again, I cannot even imagine how those will get used to their everyday life after waiting under the debris for hours. I hope we will never experience this kind of stuff again, since there is terrorism, and actually wars that have started, it’s getting scarry even more. We’ll be very careful about any natural disasters and choose our homes according to that but what about disasters that humans cause? To where will people escape then?November 6, 2020 at 6:33 pm #368742
Thank you Anita, for your kind and wise words. Day by day, I’m trying to see what I do wrong. People tend to pick careers, lifestyles, or something to believe in or pursue, like a family. Since I cannot choose between what should I want, I have to pick stuff to at least move towards them. See, I cannot even say ‘pick something’ here, I’m saying ‘stuff’ which is kind of plural. I’m very diffused, I can talk about 4-5 careers I would like to pursue but the problem is to choose between them. Maybe if I can choose a direction, then that direction will help me to stand still. For example, I’m sure that I’ll be a bad mother, therefore I cannot even dream about a family and I don’t want to either. I’m in no position to decide on that right now, so I don’t think about it. But even though I know I’ll be an unjust mother and I’ll be also very scared to have a child, I’m scared of feeling regretful about it in the future. I have to accept that my decisions are also renunciations and grow up a bit. About those careers as well, I know that if I go on like this, not focusing on one career; then I can feel regretful because I’ll be master of none. But If I choose one, then I’ll regret that I’m no master of the other ones. This thinking is really toxic for me, I’m really tired of this mentality where I continuously focus on what people have and what I have not. Recently, we’ve experienced an earthquake that killed at least 100 people in my city and left thousands of people homeless. And the rest of us, the lucky ones tried to help the others both felt unsafe, traumatized, and lucky in a guilty way. One feels guilty to be in a good situation by chance while some people waited for hours and even days under the debris. This made me realize how much I have, for a day I guess. I was scared for my life and actually shocked how I was able to make my life hell when I was actually luckier than lots of people. But that’s also about my standards which are actually very greedy. Then a couple of days later, my boyfriend which I mentioned to be suicidal stopped using his antipsychotic drugs for just 2 days to feel more awake in case there would be more earthquakes. This made him worse and worse, resulting in him wanting to be hospitalized so that he won’t hurt anybody around him. He was attacking himself during the episodes and the ER gave him tranquilizers n made him sleep for hours there. We waited there, worrying and that was the first time I actually got scared of losing him fully. Either to the ER or rehab or to suicide eventually. So these two events on top of each other was really a reality check for me. Even though I was depressed in my own little world, I guess I needed a reminder to realize how ignorant I was.
Other than all this, I know that I have to take responsibility for my choices. To this day, I did what was logical and it was easy. I didn’t have to choose anything so radically. But I have to start choosing and deciding my way, all I have to discover now is to what do I want the most..October 27, 2020 at 7:28 pm #368316
Firstly, I want to thank you for attaching your name to what you’ve written. I don’t know if it’s real but you mentioned some trust issues because of an old post of yours and I really appreciate the fact that you trust us here enough to add your name. I was surprised because of your reply actually, thank you for the kind words. My mother tongue is not English, therefore I’ve learned it mostly in my university years through articles and so on. That might be influencing my vocabulary use from urban to maybe a bit more scholar. I’m not sure. I didn’t think that the way I’m seeing the photograph would make sense in a good way. I only saw it as a pathetic side of mine. Your book suggestion is noted as well, thank you for that too. It’s hard to feel you’ve arrived I guess. I don’t know when I will be reaching that point. I’ll try to write even more since you’ve mentioned it. Thank you.
I’m very much affected by your reply. Your narration of it makes it clear and also exhausting. Seeing this makes me think, I have to pause but then again I’m a jealous person when it comes to achievements. I guess I’ll try to see that friend I’ve mentioned. Even though all the things she’ll talk about would hurt me, maybe I’ll come clean about my feelings in a natural way. Maybe I’ll mention how it hurts me to see everyone else continuing with their lives in a way I’m not feeling capable of. I don’t know if talking or even meeting with her is the right choice but I get toxic easily now as well.October 24, 2020 at 1:42 pm #368199
I can totally relate to childhood-euphoria. Even though I was depressed, I could motivate myself from time to time to hold on, study, and get better. Because I thought it can get better once I get to a good university, then I’ll get to know new people and everything will be fine. Some people would like me, I’ll find someone to be companions with each other and I’ll feel safe, eventually. All of these happened, the university has come to an end as well. But that mental abyss kept growing.
Dear Canadian Eagle,
I’m sorry you’ve experienced such a thing. I cannot imagine why would one say that. Since you’ve concluded that I’ve had a happy childhood, I want to clarify that. I didn’t experience a happy one, there were rare moments like the ones I’ve mention that I can call peaceful and happy. But other than that, my childhood was 90% depressed. As for the use of ‘exploited’, I tried to mean that I feel used. This can be because of my unrealistic expectations. I don’t know. But the unrealistic expectations I’m talking about are not much actually, just specific. As I mentioned above, I thought I would be loved someday. This is a vague dream, I was liked, I have had a few boyfriends after those years. But since I was so vulnerable to be manipulated, they kinda did everything they wanted and let me go when they got bored. And during the process, I just thought I was being loved. These also make me feel ‘exploited’ as well. I feel really old, but I’m 22. I cannot dream properly, I cannot make plans. I’m terrified of getting things to myself, buying things, doing nice things, or even just being there. So being content has left the building years ago.
I also want to add something. Half an hour ago, I saw a former friend of mine sharing a photo on the sea-side, getting sunbathed. The photo was so sincere, nothing like a pose or something. I’ve liked it apparently and I was left with this comparison:
She can enjoy things. Other than all the other aspects (like her being able to work remotely, for an acquaintance’s company while I’ve been looking for and being rejected for the companies I want and also her being able to do lots of stuff I cannot do just out of nepotism) she can actually enjoy just being present. I didn’t even plan a one-day holiday for myself since I’ve graduated. Because I didn’t want it, I didn’t want to stand still. I did want to find something, accomplish more and more. Then it occured to me, she was brought up to be this way. She was able to go to a nice place for holiday every summer with her loving family. That’s something I cannot even imagine for myself, I don’t ever think I’m worthy of stuff like that. There are lots of subjects I have to persuade my mind otherwise.
September 12, 2020 at 9:28 am #366599
- This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by miyoid.
I guess your question clearly represents my need for intimacy. Since I don’t have anybody I feel this much intimacy with, and also because I don’t have anybody that understands me enough to make me comfortable by understanding, I choose to stay in this relationship. I cannot imagine how I can break up with him or make the decision to make him move to another place because both of them could have results such as a suicide or at least excessive self-harm. I, now, don’t have the strength to take this risk both for me and him. He considers himself a lost cause most of the time and I really want to make our lives better even though I know that’s not my responsibility. I don’t want to end anything unless it’s coming from him as well, in that case, he would be offering that in order to prevent more harm to me. He was using 75mg. and today he started using the same drug with 150mg. I really hope that our days can be brighter soon. I have to pass the leaving or separating houses solutions you’ve given me because I am really afraid of the possible outcomes. And he was always there for me when I needed, I feel like I should be there for him and I want to.
Also, we went to my hometown for 4 days for dental treatment and we stayed at mom’s house together. During those 4 days, since I was again depressed because of my memories with family and hometown, he kind of transformed into a better state and tried to help me and comfort me in any way. The day we’ve got back to our shared-house, I got better a little bit and he started to feel depressed again. This can be also because my mom tried to talk with us about psychological issues and asked him this specific question. “What does make you feel valuable?” He couldn’t reply. I couldn’t find any way to make him feel more valuable since then. I have this problem as well but he has it more I guess.August 30, 2020 at 11:45 am #365844
he is failing this one and only one expectation that you have of him- then what is there in this relationship for you???
This sounds accurate but I don’t know how can I put myself first when he is putting me first as well and feeling miserable doing it. That can be a serious problem, I would be miserable to think of leaving him because he makes me unhappy. He doesn’t have anybody with him right now, since he started to lose contact with his parents, I don’t know where he would live and be with. He doesn’t have a place to go or a good friend to count on.
Other than that, maybe it makes me notice my own depression even less but I don’t know cause everything I get upset about, doesn’t end there. I get upset about one little thing and then I recall every single thing – trauma I feel bad about that subject and focus on those. I do this all the time, so maybe I’m pretty good at noticing mine as well as his’.August 24, 2020 at 8:14 pm #365496
Thank you for your support. He started to use his tranquilizer these days and I didn’t know he took 2 pills today for example. He was first against it, I guess it made him feel even sicker to need them. But then he started to take when he gets weird mood swings, I’ve never seen him angrier by the way. He is also doesn’t think the psychiatrist understands him or cares him enough which is probably true. He thinks that “The doctor and the antidepressants would not make me gain/earn myself, it can only reintegrate me into society.”
(I’ve translated the full sentence he said, that’s why ‘make me gain/earn’ part seems awkward. He meant something like being normal again, loving oneself again, having hope again.)
He slowly started to not answer his parents’ phone calls sometimes, I decided for now it’s not my job to say anything to him, his sister has met me so if they feel worried, they can ask me as well, other than that I think it’s better for me to stay outside of this. I’ll search for ways to make us feel better again. We just need some hope in our lives, especially him.August 18, 2020 at 4:23 pm #365085
Thank you for your time, really. He is now almost 10 days in with the antidepressants, we were doing better till today. I guess it is either a part of the process, or we’re not gonna be able to pull this through. Today, he wanted to break up because he is sick of himself for harming me emotionally. This happened after he forgot something on the floor and I accidentally fell because of it, no big deal for me but he got upset because it was his fault. Then he relapsed as he remembered how miserable I seemed after our discussions and stuff. (I get emotional very fast and I cry a lot as well.) So it was hard to make him a bit better after he got upset, we both cried for hours and discussed, etc. He suggested breaking up because of the reason I’ve mentioned above, and for the first time, I’ve said okay. Then we didn’t of course and moved on with our lives as depressive individuals, ate dinner, and watched stuff.
I see this from two perspectives, this can be because of the ups and downs after starting to the medicine, he mentioned that this could happen for like a month. In this case, I’ll wait till I see if this happens again in the next months as well. In another perspective, this is unacceptable for me. If these ideas (break up for me cause I’m not good for you) are gonna be there next year, the year after that and so on, then this is a huge red flag for me. I am someone who always has been broken up with in the past, I kind of see myself the sole losing party of relationships. Maybe after some time, they wanted to get back but the breakups were never my idea, always the other partners’ (Although there is not much of a relationship history but-) And my childhood traumas add these up with the abandonment issues. So him asking for me to break up, saying that he’s not good for me several times is started to make me feel nauseous out of anxiety. I feel like I might fail in this relationship too and then lose hope for good. So there’s that.August 9, 2020 at 10:19 am #364233
Thanks again, Anita. I guess you’re right but asking for him to look for a new apartment is kind of hard for me and him in current conditions. Separating houses would make our financial situations a bit hard, it would make us look for new flatmates in a timeframe which we should be busy working, etc. I’ll consider this in the following days but he actually started using antidepressants again. As I have mentioned, this started to be something I cannot handle and I wanted him to go to therapy again. I wanted a professional to handle this since I can’t anymore. He went, they prescribed a calmative drug for crisis and also an antidepressant. I don’t know if things would get better in the long run, but he is better already, after 2-3 days. I also started to be careful about my reactions and try to show my affection even more since this is the problem we have. He is afraid that I stop loving him or I start thinking that I can do better, be with better people etc.
The Middle Way seems great by the way, not forcing anything. Thank you for everything, again.August 4, 2020 at 9:45 am #363749
Thank you for your understanding, though. It feels better in terms of this subject. Constantly looking for answers or the thought that maybe someday my grief about this subject will be over after a period of pain is the wrong thing to do. I like to read about psychology and comprehend why I am like this even better but this can seem a bit dramatizing and exaggerating. At the end of this stuff, I always end up feeling sorry for myself and this doesn’t get me anywhere forward. I feel like I have to solve this ‘feeling sorry for oneself’ problem first. I also think that I got this tendency from my father since he had always found a way to see himself as the victim. It’s mesmerizing how he does it actually, he still does it with me, with the world, with my stepmother who has been like an angel to him and everyone else. It’s like a toxic superpower. I have to get better in terms of this tendency and find a way to make my boyfriend feel a bit better again.
He relapsed today and I stopped him from taking 6-7 sleeping pills. I doubt if 6-7 pills would harm him seriously but he is sleeping since I couldn’t prevent him from taking the first pill. But this started to make me feel so exhausted as well. He is afraid to harm me, upset me but he knows that he does and he feels even worse because of it. This never-ending cycle has started to suffocate both of us. I’m even thinking about talking to him about starting to use SSRI drugs again with a doctor of course. He has used lots of drugs in his childhood and teen years. It’s like he cannot stop thinking and he has such a rapid mind that I cannot even compete. I try to understand but I guess he thinks that I cannot understand him sometimes. I am a depressive person as well but he says that he cannot control himself. I’m afraid of what he is capable of.July 21, 2020 at 2:30 pm #362303
I want to mention that I’m really sensitive as well when it comes to animals and people that I know who’s innocent. I get emotional so fast when I’m faced with a story, a visual or an idea. I can understand this sensitivity, I just find it somehow contradictory. She can relate to an animal who’s left behind but she can’t relate to me? Sounds like an escape to me.July 21, 2020 at 2:25 pm #362302
You wrote about your mother: “she looks down on and doesn’t respect others’ misery”- so you wear the healthy-strong-person mask, not wanting to be looked down at and disrespected by her?
“So I guess I have to accept her for who she really is”- I wonder what you mean by this sentence.
As for the first sentence, I don’t care if I’m disrespected or looked down. I just know that isn’t the case. I have explained her the past year several times that it’s not the right thing to compare one’s misery to an other’s. This is just like a coping mechanism, she must’ve learned it in the past and she keeps doing it. She is now obsessed with animals and loves everyone of them unconditionally, purely like he never did with her children. She thinks they are miserable the most, the news the animals that were raped, tortured and left alone to death, etc. I also remember her talking about the miserable lives she hear about, like a children she came across with on the street or things like that. She has an extreme empathy towards animals and innocent people. But then again, when I try to talk about a huge problem in my little world, it’s not relatable for her. That was always the case. I’ll probably try to be understood by her again and again but I don’t know what would happen.
About accepting her for who she really is, I simply meant that maybe I have to accept that she’ll always be like that. She won’t care that much, she would not understand. The fracture about this subject is about my expectations about her and they might not be met, I have to accept that. Thanks again Anita, you’re wonderful.July 21, 2020 at 9:24 am #362280
I’m mesmerized by your reply, the conclusion you have arrived from the posts I have shared, I cannot believe how accurate it sounds. But I want to add something as well. I tend to think that the anger occurs when something is cannot be understood. It’s like I can have anger towards my parents and I can express it, but I won’t be understanding their conditions if I were to do that. I know that they have much more traumatizing lives and the traumas I’ve got are just the outcome of theirs. They have tried so much to do the right thing but this was the best they could. Therefore, I cannot rationalize having anger towards them and I don’t feel any. Actually I feel sorry for them, I feel compassion and mercy. I wish I could’ve make their lives better, that’s the feeling I have. I know from myself that it’s hard to love somebody if you’re not loved in the first place. At least I wasn’t hated in my childhood, I was just neglected a lot. I know that my dad was beaten to within an inch of life most of the time and kept in the basement for days. As I said, I don’t know if I can ever feel anger. I can only feel resentment towards the life itself, but I’m not that spiritual and that doesn’t work for me as well. I try to get better in terms of spirituality since I wasn’t raised with a religion of any kind, but I also need a clarity to do that and I couldn’t figure out how to achieve that yet.
Also, the fact that you don’t think opening up to my parents is not a good idea kind of relieved me, it would be impossible for me. I have started to give clues about how I feel to my mother the past year, after those old posts I have shared. This made me realize my mother’s tendency to neglect others’ misery even more. I have always blamed my father’s behaviors thinking about my depression, but seeing that made me realize how my mother have affected me as well. I see my father as a violent, narcissist, despot but a loving dad. He does have the ability to love, however, he doesn’t have a clue about how to show it and when he tries, he messes things up. So, yes my father affected me significantly in terms of my relationship with men. But when I talk with my mom, I see that because of all the drama and trauma she was born into, she looks down on and doesn’t respect to others’ misery all the time. I have told this to her several times after I realized this, and she either doesn’t really understand or she doesn’t want to understand. So I guess I have to accept her for who she really is.
Thank you a lot for your in depth reply, really. I have to solve those problems you’ve mentioned, I just have to find out how. Also, I have to both get better and make him feel better because I don’t think this is going anywhere healthy.. Thank you so much for your time and kindness.July 20, 2020 at 9:48 pm #362237
Thank you so much for your kind reply. It feels good to read your words and those sound like me as well. I would like to read them if you think those work on you. Thanks so much for the kind words!July 20, 2020 at 7:44 pm #362229
Thank you Anita, I will try to do the stuff you told. He knows invading my privacy is the wrong thing, he did it because of a crisis. I know that’s not an excuse, he just couldn’t help himself. He says that the stuff he saw was traumatizing and he remembers from time to time. I hope we can pass this, I know we can help each other. I hope we will.