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    My last post was from 24th July. It feels like more time has passed in these two months, I guess. I went back to my hometown to visit my dad, had a mental breakdown there, then stayed at my stepdad’s empty house and I had fun for three days. I even accidentally had a fling with an old friend whom I lost interest in very quickly. And then somebody else wanted to flirt and I wasn’t interested again. When I’m able to reject, when I can understand whether or not I’m interested, this gives me a bit of power since normally I consider myself as someone who cannot choose. I realized again, that I can choose. I’m not proud of this story but this continues with another flirtation. An old friend whom I recently started to have conversations with opened up to me, saying he was into me. And since it made me feel nice and I liked talking with him, I started seeing him. I’m just realizing that it all happened so fast, and it has been two months since we first met after he opened up.

    So, again, no empty space for myself alone. I won’t be blaming myself for this, but I have to admit that this might be a problem for me. However, when I’m interested in someone, should I ignore that? I don’t think so. I’ll have more answers on this as I grow up. In these two months, I’ve had my sessions with my psychiatrist as well. Slow sessions, she is slowly getting to know me. She is way way behind you guys. And the reason why I let this flirt happen is that this boy actually started to give me some reasons to trust. However, it’s hard to believe someone. My guy is telling me that he’s very sincere. But after the things I’ve been through, and after my childhood, it’s very hard to believe something. I’ve even had some friends comment on this and I don’t think you would approve.

    Someone from my circle said, “You’ll just have another relationship for one year and he’s gonna leave you at the end and you’ll suffer all over again. Don’t do this.” He said this without even knowing him or listening to me about what happened. It was a quick response to the fact that I was seeing somebody. I didn’t make the conversation longer and I just left it like that. Even though I know that I shouldn’t, it got to me. But I’m learning. I’m learning to choose for me, not for them.

    For the first time in a while, I’ve experienced something. After fruitful conversations, there was silence and suddenly, there were no distractions for me. It wasn’t unfamiliar, I’ve had this a lot in my childhood. When my parents split up, I used to stay either in my hometown with my dad or in another city where my mom went to stay for a while with her brothers. In those months, or in that year, it’s a bit vague for me, I cried a lot. But it happened weirdly. When I have a distraction that would interest me, like a computer, for example, I was okay. When I was with a friend that can keep me interested, I was okay. But right when I lost my interest, right when I’m not focused on something that can distract me, I felt a deep longing I couldn’t stand but cry. When I was with my mother, she tried to comfort me by talking, as long as she could. I remember her feeling regretful. She was the one responsible for the splitting up, and I was there, crying. I have never had a deep connection with my dad but I used to miss him. It wasn’t even missing him, sometimes I did feel sorry for him. Because he made me feel that way. He manipulated us like this for years. I felt like we’ve left dad at home, alone, miserable even though he was the reason why this was all happening.

    And when I’m back with my dad, since I cry mom had to send me back a couple of times, I felt even more miserable. I didn’t have anybody to talk. He used to find some people that have a child my age, and he used to make me meet him and then drop me on the way to his hobbies. I used to spend my day at other people’s houses and I tried to endure that. However, almost always, after some distraction hours with other people, I accidentally found a moment to feel like myself again and I started crying, first secretly and then resulting in them/parents finding me and trying to understand why I was like that. I’m guessing they would blame it on the splitting up and feel grateful since their child wouldn’t be like that. Then probably the parents used to call my dad and my dad would come and get me. He couldn’t make me meet with the same people again since it would’ve been rude. Since I did cry the last time, so maybe they would ask “why are you bringing this child to us”, right?

    So, after those fruitful conversations with him, at that silence, I felt so miserable. I suddenly got back to those years. I wasn’t safe. I was feeling that weird, ugly feeling deep down. I don’t know if it was anxiety, I am not sure. But in those moments, I cannot help but cry and the most memorable feeling would be feeling unsafe. Since I did admit I was feeling unsafe and bad, he tried to support me and tried to understand. But I couldn’t tell him more. It was really hard. I know that I can tell more, in time, if he wants to listen. But these mental breakdowns make me feel so vulnerable that I miss the last person I was able to be comfortable crying in front of. It was my ex-boyfriend. Sometimes I just want to call him and ugly cry, and I know that he would try his best in terms of understanding and helping. I guess I was able to express how confused I am.


    “A friend of mine suggested that I was trying to let go of responsibilities during these ‘cannot let go’, ‘cannot break up’ mindsets. Maybe I really try to let go of my responsibilities”- I didn’t understand this part- what your friend was trying to say. (You don’t have to explain  it to me if you don’t feel like it).

    I’ve met an old friend the previous week and we talked about my break-up for a while. The point he was trying to make was the fact that how hard was it for me to let him go, or forget or move on. He’s aware of the things that made me upset during the relationship and he did tell me to break things up as soon as possible months ago. When I’ve told him that I’ve waited cause I couldn’t do it, and I’ve waited till he was the one trying to move on; he was concerned that I couldn’t take responsibility. I have never thought of this because I didn’t want to break up with him. I’ve always had this part of myself who wanted to continue with him because the other way seemed much scarier. However, thinking about what he said, I really have a hard time taking responsibility. Maybe that’s because I like staying safe, in terms of finance and in terms of relationships. I often avoid conflicts and I even make concessions in my everyday life to avoid conflicts, even with my flatmates sometimes. I was never avoiding any type of conflict with him, though. I was transparent all the way.

    So these days, I’m thinking about how much I use my free will. Sometimes I don’t use it at all. Sometimes I just go with the flow and oftentimes, that flow happens to be contingent upon other people. It was like that with my relationships as well. I don’t choose people, they choose me. And I stay in their life as long as they continue choosing. I think I’ll try to start choosing people from this on.

    It’s still my habit, staying up till late. I try to sleep every single day, though, and I’m able to do it. Since I have remote shifts, not so tiring, I have the opportunity to spare some time to myself to relax, to watch some stuff, and sometimes read. And since I’m all alone in my own room, there is no extra work. I had to organize stuff more when I lived with him. I had to change sheets more, tidy up more. Right now, it’s just me in the room and I get along with my flatmates regarding the other rooms of the house.

    I’m getting better, I suppose. I’m depressive sometimes but I try to distract myself with movies I have always wanted to watch and couldn’t find time to.

    On a side note, I’ve realized that I decide out of fear sometimes. Fear plays a great role in my life. I get scared a lot, by the life itself. I don’t trust life that much, that’s sad.


    We haven’t been in contact for a week I guess, I’m doing my job, meeting with some friends, watching some stuff, and trying to feel okay. I’m trying to connect with more people, more friends. I’ve been expressing my vulnerability to friends a lot lately, maybe because I had to. Since I really need to learn to be content on my own, I’m just testing it. I don’t know how it’ll go. A friend of mine suggested that I was trying to let go of responsibilities during these “cannot let go”, “cannot break up” mindsets. Maybe I really try to let go of my responsibilities.


    I guess I’ve written poorly. By “this”, I meant my current state, not being able to move on. I wanted to be more like the girl and less like me, I guess.


    I was observing my two moods, too vulnerable and less vulnerable. I was trying to keep myself busy, stuff like that. Right when I was procrastinating and watching Gilmore Girls besides doing some work, I’ve realized how the girl acts after breaking up with someone. And I’ve seen how she is able to enjoy her time without that person. I don’t want to be like this, I cannot be like this.


    I need to accept what happened, I need to accept that we couldn’t do it. I need to accept that I can be and feel okay on my own. I just need to grow out of that little girl’s mind.

    I can understand and accept that right now. There will be times when I cannot again, where I’ll feel vulnerable again. I’ll try to resist the urge and I’ll be decisive this time.


    It’s very unfamiliar and hard for me to choose logic when I can see that vulnerability. He contacted me asking for a road trip, possibly a trip which would take a week, like a holiday. I couldn’t understand it, I asked him why. I asked him if he really asks, cause I was ready to accept it and schedule my everything according to that. I was very regretful that we haven’t had the opportunity to have this kind of a thing, a holiday. Then he reacted to me, I guess I was asking rather in a cold tone. I asked what he thought would happen, I wanted a sincere answer. His answer was that probably I would see something like that message from that day.

     It was like that 2 weeks ago as well, but it was really quick. I’ve bought a surprise cake and then we spent his birthday with a bunch of friends. It was nice, we were nice, but not together. We were basically nice to each other. But then when I saw him replying to another girl when we were together, I reacted. Not like a reaction, I was simply uncomfortable, jealous. Then I guess he thought about the whole situation and came to a conclusion.

    This is from my earlier post, so he thought this would happen again and I would make it hell for him by being jealous. Then I told him that I’ve expressed what I felt, it was not my fault that it hurt me.

    He made me believe that we could have a nice time again, but then everything collapsed again. He told that he wanted this for a moment but it took 3 seconds till my reaction. I’ve been miserable since and it has been an hour.

    I cannot understand, cannot perceive what’s happening. I feel like I’m not used to this and I deserve appropriate face-to-face conservation rather than a vague reaction and it hurts me that we’re having these conversations on phone or by texting. Maybe I’ll ask for one last favor from him to clear things out for the last time.

    I know that this is not healthy at all, I know I’m not healthy and I know he’s not either. I know that we shouldn’t be in contact at least till both of us gets healthier. But I cannot hold on to anything. I feel like I need something, I feel like I need just one solid rock to hold on to. Anything.


    Thank you Anita, it’s like my escape road from anxiety. Whenever I feel vulnerable, anxious, I can take a break and just come here to feel more neutral. I’m trying to deal with my thoughts at the moment, again, I have contact with him. I know that he is not so well either but I know that this was the right decision. It’s not going to be healthy for us to try again and again. In fact, I knew that long before, I felt it long before. But even though I could felt it, maybe it was easier to hold on to him, to the connection. Whenever I feel vulnerable, I’m still well aware of the fact that it wasn’t healthy for me and him. But that vulnerability or anxiety makes me want the connection one more time, without any further intention. No plans, no nothing. I just feel the need for that connection without any logic.


    So I must learn to get over this by myself. I must learn to be peaceful and feel safe on my own.

    You can have a better life. The way it has been so far doesn’t have to  be the way it will always be.

    I guess you’re right. I sometimes feel so powerless that I cannot help but think those desperate thoughts, I feel like it’s hell without him. It’s going to be a bit hard, I’ve never managed to get over something all alone. I cannot trick myself into another dependant relationship anymore, I know that. I’ve even lost the courage and energy to do that. I don’t feel that naive. I guess I’ll always miss him because of the family-like feelings he made me feel.


    Dear Anita,

    It’s getting weird each day. I feel like I’m on a new episode of being miserable. I kept living the same cycle over and over again with him and we kept coming back to each other after those crises. It was like that 2 weeks ago as well, but it was really quick. I’ve bought a surprise cake and then we spent his birthday with a bunch of friends. It was nice, we were nice, but not together. We were basically nice to each other. But then when I saw him replying to another girl when we were together, I reacted. Not like a reaction, I was simply uncomfortable, jealous. Then I guess he thought about the whole situation and came to a conclusion. In moments like this, he just tells me that he doesn’t want to be anyone’s anything. But he also told me that he would never do the same mistakes again with other people. So we haven’t been in contact since, it kind of breaks my heart. When I come across the marks his posters left on the walls, I felt miserable. I felt like I couldn’t resist the time, time just passed away and we got away from each other without me realizing it.

    I feel different, I feel alone most of the time. I keep doing my tasks, my projects, job stuff, and it’s going well. It has been a year since my graduation. The birthday we’ve spent together was my first relaxed earned weekend since that graduation. Then we lost contact. Right after I’ve learned to earn my weekends and spare myself some time to relax, he is out of the picture. This breaks my heart as well. He was upset because I didn’t and couldn’t spare any time for us to just spend carelessly. I needed a year to be able to do that but he just didn’t want to endure this time.

    I feel like I’m using lots of ‘he’s when I should be using ‘I’s, but I cannot help thinking about him sometimes. I’ve read your post yesterday, and I also got a rejection mail from a bootcamp. I’m used to being rejected by these kinds of events or jobs, it happens, that’s life. But I still couldn’t get over the fact that I was rejected by the only person I thought did accept me as a whole. I don’t know if this is the ego talking or the love, I don’t know what should I focus on.

    He knows how it’s toxic to ask about the past, think about one’s past. So he tells himself that he would never question anybody else. But he did that with me for a year, and I couldn’t get respect in that area. I feel wronged by life, it’s like I’m a neglected child all along. He learned all about it and he’ll continue with this lesson, maybe he’ll be happy with some other girls and I’ll be standing all alone. 

    This is my previous post and I’m still trying to figure out what this feeling says about me. Is this me being self-centered? I even see stuff like this in my dreams. It just breaks my heart how he can move on like that. He can move on, he can deal with the fact that I’m devastated and he can leave me like that. Maybe I’m putting too much responsibility here, but I wanted to express my feelings as they come.

    Earlier this year, you wrote, as if answering my question above: “I don’t know… I don’t know what to do. I feel, Idk, burnt out. I feel empty.. I have absolutely no idea what to do at this point, I would choose to just stay in bed and sleep for days… crying and being miserable”-

    – is this still your answer still?

    It is not, I don’t feel empty. I feel so much resentment towards him and towards life. I feel pain and it gets smaller and bigger. Other than that I just try to handle the things I should do and I’m doing fine regarding that. I’ll spare a night for myself and see an emotional movie. I’ll probably cry, and then maybe sleep. I’m safe but I don’t know when this will end or when I’ll be okay. Sorry about all these emotional postings.


    the small jail cell you are in is all about two people: you and him. 

    Turns out, he’s not even with me in the jail. I’m here all alone.

    I am worried about how much more harm you will suffer since it seems like you are unable/ too scared to separate from him. The entropy you mentioned in your original post of this thread, the movement toward mental disorder and chaos- this has increased because you are in a relationship with a man as acutely unstable as him.

    I don’t know what will happen but we lost communication again, these fluctuations are killing me, I know. However, I cannot ignore him, I cannot draw a fine line. I’m terrified of losing him to another person. I tend to think about all the stuff I endured and I know that he’s learned a lot from our relationship. He knows how it’s toxic to ask about the past, think about one’s past. So he tells himself that he would never question anybody else. But he did that with me for a year, and I couldn’t get respect in that area. I feel wronged by life, it’s like I’m a neglected child all along. He learned all about it and he’ll continue with this lesson, maybe he’ll be happy with some other girls and I’ll be standing all alone. He learned what works and what doesn’t with me and he’s ready to be more healthy with somebody else. This double standard kills me.


    Hi dear Anita,

    I couldn’t bring myself to write something, I was kind of fluctuating between moods. I got back from my hometown and I found out that he started seeing somebody else while I was away. He said that he did that just not to stay alone and it didn’t mean anything. I basically couldn’t believe it, didn’t want to believe it. When he said that, by texting, I suffocated. Then I’ve blocked him on every communication channel besides the classic SMS, and he texted there and wanted to see me. He didn’t want to end things this way, with this much hate(?) he said. But hate was nowhere near me, I cannot even get angry with him. I’m just in pain when I think about what happened. I cannot accept the fact that he could touch, speak and basically see another person while I was thinking about him. Being away helped me mentally but when I was back, my home was full of memories, naturally. I spent days crying and then I had to do so much work because of the time I’ve wasted.

    Then he came to see me, to end things peacefully. Since we’ve missed each other very much, it was like in the past again. But the fluctuations continued. One moment he was all in love with me again, and the other moment he was thinking about what he’ll do with the other person. One moment he looks at me and speaks to me with so much love and the other moment he acts very cold, thinking that the best would be if he gets away from everybody.

    I don’t know what to do, I feel so much pain when I think about how could he do those things. Maybe I cannot face reality, there is a part of me who cannot get away, cannot move on, and doesn’t want to move on. I both want to get free from this jail I’ve built.


    Also, that she suffered abuse by both of your parents. Was it physical abuse?

    Yes, we both suffered from it, but she suffered way more. Maybe that’s why I cannot feel any resentment or any jealousy towards her. I know that she suffered and continues to suffer, she’s eleven years older than me. She’s seen more, she was hurt more, damaged more and she is way stronger than me. I respect her in that regard. It’s hard being alone in this world but she managed to run away from our house in her childhood and never came back.

    When you said she was narcissistic, I thought she was spoiled and got what she wanted. But that’s probably not true – it seems she didn’t get much, even though she may be better at asking for it.

    The fact that she has narcissistic tendencies makes her a hard person. But she wasn’t properly loved either. She was manipulated in her relationships more than me. She went through a lot of stuff, she had to stand still and she did so. I have never seen myself standstill, I always move with the wind and the wind takes me someplace else to hold on. If I cannot hold on to someone, I seek someone else.

    But I also accepted that she cannot loves me, my mom in a natural way. Her narcissistic tendencies kind of prevent her from seeing us as independent individuals. She texts me, calls me only when she needs me. We weren’t brought up together and maybe that’s why we’re a bit distant.

    It’s good you’re aware of that mechanism and that you made her aware of it too, even though she might not be willing to change…

    She is nowhere near becoming willing to change and that scares me. I made her realize this that day but nothing has changed. She has this unhealthy coping mechanism where she forgets all about herself and devotes herself to the cats she has around. I like that she likes animals, I love them too, that’s my weak spot too. But she is beyond unhealthy. She is now about to end her second marriage and god knows what she might do, she is overly depressed, I’m concerned because I’m not well enough to try to make her better. And this could suffocate both of us. She’ll also face financial hardships if she broke it off, and she’ll have to find someplace else to live. Of course, she has two daughters, therefore two places to stay, she is getting older and older and it really scares me. On the other hand, I’m continuing my life that I’ve been living without the emotional support I need from her and other people as well.

    It has been hard, I feel alone and I distract myself with work. I see people moving on but I guess everybody is simply depressed these days.

    I was alone when she met him, her current husband. I was spending my time alone at the house in the evenings, and she was working. I remember a night, before a huge exam which was about the entrance to high school. A child is supposed to get to bed early those days, cause we have like 6 or 7 big exams in our standard education life. But I remember her not being able to return home for a long period of time and I felt a bit bad. I wasn’t able to sleep cause I waited for her. There was an anonymous guy I met on the internet, never met him, and I even complained about this to him. I remember him pitying me. Then it took like a week for him to leave/ghost unannounced. We were children, it was okay. But It was a very weird experience for me. For the first time, I had somebody I could text with and I have heard some nice words. I was literally over the moon, I even remember forgetting everything cause I was daydreaming the whole time. He wasn’t that disrespectful I guess and he waited till my “big exam” was over. I was able to get a higher grade than normal because I was feeling happy.

    I don’t know what I feel, maybe resentment, maybe just pity for myself. I cannot get angry with anyone, I just feel helpless. I wish my mom had healthier coping mechanisms. Also, it’s my birthday and I didn’t expect to feel like this today.

    I might be feeling resentment towards people that tried to love me but then eventually quit. Such as my mother, ex-boyfriend, and so on.


    You don’t demand much, unlike your older sister, right? If I remember well, you mentioned once she too was narcissistic, like your father. She could demand stuff for herself, same as your father could. How did your sister behave around your father? Did she have a problem expressing her needs? And around your mother?

    She is better when it comes to expressing one’s needs. But she is problematic in relationships as well. She gets overly attached, then she spends the rest of the relationship with the fear of losing, and then she eventually loses the person. She is angry with my mother, she can see the things that my dad did good for us, for example, affecting us in terms of intellectuality. But she never sees the stuff that mom did, she is angry with her. She simply cannot forgive her, or maybe she just doesn’t want to confront some stuff. Also, she cannot get along with our dad, they fight all the time. She is very hard to get along with, just like my dad. She lives alone, currently single, with lots of failed relationships. She becomes more like my dad day by day.

     I can imagine your sister was different and demanded things more freely from your mother? And got her attention too?

    I was with my mother when I was a child, meaning, no one else took care of me. I guess there were several periods where I was with someone else, but no one ever affected me in the way I express myself. So I guess, whatever I’ve learned, I’ve learned from my mother. But my sister was with my dad’s mother for a long period of time and I’m sure this affected her a lot. I don’t really know them, my dad’s parents, I was not very close and we didn’t share much. As a result, my sister is much more frigid and narcissistic. She is not uncomfortable making others upset. She always finds a way to do this. Even last week, she manipulated my mother into adopting another cat instead of adopting herself, she made my mother do it. And my mother currently lives with 7-8 cats, just out of softheartedness towards them. Then my mother was stuck between my sister and her husband, not being able to make anyone happy. Now, they’re considering separating because of my sisters’ manipulation and the husband’s intolerance because of him not being able to live with that many cats.

    This makes you feel jealous – because your sister was loud enough and rude enough to get what she wants, without even deserving it.

    No, never. I would never feel jealous of my sister. She has experienced much more violence from dad, even from mom. She was brought up to be like this, and then she ran away to a boarding school not being able to stand any longer. We were apart, all the time. She didn’t know me much, because she didn’t have the time. I feel for her sometimes, she is 11 years older than me. I feel like she might’ve felt jealous of me in old times. It seems like after she ran away, the violence slowly decreased, and then with the divorce, I’ve had a much easier time growing up. And this could be true, I feel luckier than her. She’s got way longer walls than me and this makes me sad. But she can also make me upset sometimes, but I’m used to her being this way. I’ve accepted her the way she is.

    I guess I should try to neutralize myself and try to get a better grasp of what I might need. I’ve talked with my mother for 3 hours today, since they’re in a huge fight because of a tiny cat. And I’ve expressed how she can be overly obsessed with a subject, with animals and how that can be an escape from the humans which she is not comfortable loving. And I’ve also said that I can see this pattern in my life as well. I guess I’ve learned this from her. She accepted, this huge fight eventually made her understand this. But I’m not sure if she’ll try to get better in these terms, she is considering separating, moving to a tiny cheap house with all those cats to overly obsess more and more each day and she calls it freedom.


    Dear TeaK, thank you for your reply.

    But you stood your ground and she finally said she’s worried about you. How did you feel afterwards? Was it a positive or a frustrating experience?

    I realized something thanks to this question. I didn’t think about what I felt when she just quit trying to convince me into thinking that I could be better if I wanted. When she eventually said that she was worried, I just said some stuff to make her worry less. I just told her that I won’t harm myself and all I would do is cry more. I said her that she doesn’t need to worry about me and I’ll try to get better.

    That sums up lots of things about me I guess.

    Presumptuous – as in demanding too much, demanding things they don’t deserve?

    Yes, in a way. I thought of some friends when using this word. Demanding, and also not being afraid when you’re demanding. I try to be more modest, nicer around people. I don’t demand much. I sometimes cannot even demand what I need, or want. This happened a lot when I was a child. I used to go to my dad’s home, and he lived alone. I remember just preparing myself for minutes and minutes in order to ask if I could open up the computer and play with it for some time. It was hard for me to ask this. It was hard for me to speak my mind. It got easier in years, but I still have hard time demanding. Although, most of the time I don’t know what I need or deserve. Therefore, I cannot demand much.

    when someone is spoiled and wants too much, it makes you angry.

    Yes. Angry, more like I resent life. I resent the people that let that happen. I realized another thing this week. I am not a jealous person in general. But when it comes to the things that I cannot get from life, and that I need, I get jealous. Is that always the way with jealousy? I don’t think so. Sometimes, people get jealous of the things that they already have.

    Just an example, I can get jealous of some attention from someone I care. But only, if that attention is being given to somebody else instead of me. This could be a boyfriend, an older sister, mother. And this could be a teacher, or the life itself. I see the stuff I need and I see other people easily reaching it, without even working for it. And then I get jealous, feel resentment since I cannot reach those stuff I want. Could be love, intimacy, praise or attention.

    Or things you do have the right to, but only believe you don’t? What are some of the things you believe you don’t have the right to, but still want to do?

    I am not sure about this but I’ll give it some time to be able to figure it out. I might want to feel more spoiled or more lucky. I might want to enjoy my time like I work a lot harder.

    Dear Anita,

    “He feels like family”-  like the family you have or the family you didn’t have?

    “He feels like family but it simply doesn’t work”- He feels like family, and like (your) family, it simply doesn’t work.  Is my editing of this sentence accurate?

    I think this is more accurate than I thought it would be. I guess it’s pretty hard to realize and to accept that a specific need of oneself is simply corrupted. I thought that’s what I needed, and it’s going to be hard accepting this truth, that I don’t need him, one hundred percent. I hope that I’ve written these right, those were a bit complicated sentences and I might’ve made some mistakes.

    Editing my words and thoughts is necessary, I guess. I see your point, but I guess I’ll need lots of practice about this. I’ve been reading about cognitive behavioural therapy and I’ll read some more about somatic therapy as well. Whatever I can do on my own. I am not as depressive as before, I don’t know how it’ll go. I’ll feel upset again, for sure. I’ll try to handle it better. I know that there’s hope. Thanks for everything.

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