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miyoid

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  • #399679
    miyoid
    Participant

    you were careful instead of carefree. Fast forward, as an adult, you are still careful, and you envy people who are carefree.

    to be honest, I don’t really remember if I was anxious all the time. But I can say that I didn’t feel free most of the time, I didn’t have the confidence, and so on. Maybe that’s the reason I was not free at all. And yes, I envy people that can be carefree or even can seem carefree.

    The night after my mistake was terrible, he felt terrible and I was also so scared to lose him. I also said that to him. The next morning, he suddenly told that this might not be a big deal and maybe he made it a big deal out of it, so he apologized. I’m guessing it’s better when you have someone that is not focusing on every single mistake that has been done.

    #399439
    miyoid
    Participant

    when I see somebody being selfish or being ignorant at something, I cannot be carefree. Instead, I feel unlucky cause I don’t have a sister like that or a friend like that. I feel like I’m surrounded by selfish people”.

    I also read it again and tried to understand myself. Even though people can be selfish, careless and their mistakes can be tolerated by the people around them, like having someone else’s phone or having someone else pay for you. I feel like I don’t have that opportunity sometimes. I cannot be selfish, I am not used to asking for things from people to tolerate my careless actions. Instead of that, I act responsibly and try not to do mistakes and think of every situation beforehand. And also the thing I wanted to tell is, when I see people not being judged or punished for the mistakes they do, I get very sad. I feel like it’s just not fair. And sometimes I cannot get over this feeling. I would want to be more careless about everything, especially I would want to be able to forget about all this injustice I can witness, cause there’ll be more and more in life. I cannot run away from injustice, so I need to be able to deal with it peacefully.

    I did a terrible mistake today. I was focused on the game we were playing with my boyfriend. I was really focused, and we were talking at the same time. Then he did something in the game and I reacted. I reacted with the name of my ex-boyfriend. And I couldn’t think anything, and I couldn’t explain it at the time. He asked once, like “what XX?” and then moved on.

    Later on, I felt terrible when he decided to leave. We have some kind of holiday here and everybody just leaves the city and goes their hometowns to see their parents and relatives, families. I never had this in my life, so seeing everybody sharing photos with their families and siblings, I felt terrible. I couldn’t stop crying and he decided not to leave and stayed with me. He distracted me a lot and managed to do that.

    But hours and hours later, he recalled it and we talked. He hesitated to ask this, thought it was not a name, maybe he heard it wrong. Honestly, he heard what I said. He just wanted to believe this in his head. I wanted to be honest and told the truth, but he was devastated. Now he is behaving like he moved past this but I know that it was a terrible mistake I did. I explained everything, that I never think of him, it’s over and it doesn’t have a meaning, it was just a mistake coming from my unconscious. I know that I’ve done everything I could, and I was devastated as well, having this relationship after all those years and having the possibility of ruining it with just a silly mistake. I feel like I have nobody that I could be happy with. I had so many heartbreaking stuff with my sister for the past months, and it feels like everybody has their sisters and brothers that would make them feel secure in the future. But I don’t have that. I know for a fact that in every single boundary I try to build, my sister is going to blame me and harass me. If I help her, the bet is going to get bigger, bigger and bigger. And then when the bet is too big for me to handle, I’ll say no and she’ll fight and act like the victim. She would never try to understand me, let alone being a loving big sister. So I sometimes feel like I really don’t have anybody in my life that matters and makes me feel worthy of more. But he is someone I can now count on, feel good with and I would hate myself if I ruin this. Just wanted to tell you everything.

    #399059
    miyoid
    Participant

    I would prefer being helped, but I don’t want to ask for it unless I really have to. I’m guessing that’s the case. But when I see somebody being selfish or being ignorant at something, I cannot be carefree. Instead, I feel unlucky cause I don’t have a sister like that or a friend like that. I feel like I’m surrounded by selfish people.

    #398935
    miyoid
    Participant

    I don’t know how to drive lines, what I should resent or not, and what I should accept and not accept regarding friendships. I feel like I don’t have the good friends that a person needs. I realize that all that matters to them can be their own current agenda, and I feel neglected, and I also cannot ask for help since I don’t feel the need sometimes. When I’m not okay, I don’t think that they can make me feel all better, or I don’t think that they have the answers. When I’m sick, I figure something out and go out get my own drugs. But when it comes to them, they ask for the help more, or I’m just making this a bigger deal. I don’t know. I honestly wish to be a more carefree person and let go of all of these worries. I’ll try to be like that.

    #396412
    miyoid
    Participant

    It’s nice to see that these friends can see my efforts, though. My boyfriend that I mentioned thinks I should stop babysitting them, even though I feel like this is just support, not babysitting, I kind of agree at some degree. I wanted to add that. I rejected a friend that will have a hard time staying alone tonight. She will spend the night alone, and so will I. And I told her that I needed to spend some time alone, and she respected that.

    #396406
    miyoid
    Participant

    I remember deciding on working on my issues at some point in the previous months. However, I totally paused on my problems and focused on the others. I don’t know why I did this, it wasn’t a choice. It was mostly the friends I had needed that, and I offered them whatever I could.

    There are two girls, one of them has been an old friend (5yrs) and the other one is new, but an emotional friend. But I feel exhausted now, it has been a lot. And I’ve been explaining them how I feel that way, and how I should just stop. They understand, they don’t get upset. However, they continue on telling me, ranting me, crying at me about the things they experience. They do that because they know I won’t judge or I wouldn’t get angry with them for making the same mistakes. And I know that they cannot share the same things with each other. They know that the other one would either get angry or get impatient. So they open up to me, and then I understand, try to give an insight and emotional support. Have been thinking about this since this situation is now out of my control and I had to set boundaries. And when I did, softly, by explaining myself, even though the other party respected it, they continued their behavior for some time and I also felt really guilty and restless. I have this problem in other areas too. When someone asks something from me, even though I learned how to reject, the fact that I rejected and the fact that I was asked for something haunts me in a way. So I cannot feel comfortable. I feel responsible in a way, but then I would’ve been rejected them. Something I need to work on.

    And I also question my friendships. I’ve lost contact of some old friends because I don’t gave them enough attention in the past, but I was okay with that in time. They wanted more time, and I had to work. They couldn’t understand, so we were no longer friends. I still see them ignorant, but I’m over that. And now the fact that I need my own time again, some isolation from their struggles, feels like what would I feel if I were them. I had my own bad days, I also tried to find support. Although maybe I didn’t experience that kind of a bad thing where I couldn’t stay by myself, and I needed someone to talk about it again and again. Maybe I did, but I don’t remember. I feel like I stay alone in those kinds of situations or write here, or to a professional. I sometimes also feel like my own problems cannot be solved by my friends, at least the closest ones. Maybe because I give insight to them, maybe because I see their struggle, I feel like my struggles are superior, I’m not sure. I kind of see them as luckier than I am, and maybe that’s why they cannot understand each other fully and they come to me for that.

    Another thing about the boundaries is that I’m kind of fed up with helping some people in my life. I always think about every single possibility and I act accordingly. I always set aside some money for harder times, I always have extra money if I need something urgent, I always try to have something to eat if I cannot find something at some point. I always have some tissues, I always have my phone charged and stuff like this. Very trivial, but sometimes very important. There are so many details I think and act accordingly that my friends don’t think about. And when they need something, they just ask me and I try to help them. But this is not because I have extra time to think about those details, or this is not because I have extra money to spend on details. I put importance on it and I spend less time and money on extras/fun and that’s why I have them. So when a friend of mine spends so much on fun and then asks me when she desperately needs the money, I feel awful. Even with the trivial things that I shouldn’t care about. My flatmate just asked me if she can use my milk, because she forgot. I don’t like to share my stuff and I keep extra, so I had to open up the milk just for her. I sometimes dislike myself for caring about these issues, I shouldn’t be caring about those. But then, those people end up asking for more and more and then I feel used. And in the times of need, you cannot ask them to be careful, you feel like helping them.

    I don’t really know why I get this much uncomfortable. It’s really hard to decide on the boundaries and I also feel like I’m making it a bigger problem than it already is. Maybe I need more boundaries since I grew up kind of alone? And maybe I need to get rid of some so that I can be more content in long-term? I don’t know how to decide or set the boundaries properly.

    #392336
    miyoid
    Participant

    Also I’ve commented on another post reflecting on what I felt about self-esteem. Commenting on someone else’s post with a problem I could relate made me feel selfish. However, I cannot help but think how codependent I feel.

    Two days ago, my ex-boyfriend texted me out of the blue and I’ve deleted that text, it was just a conversation starter and I didn’t contribute. That got me thinking that night but I resisted the feeling, I even texted at some point but then I just deleted it and nothing was sent.

    Then I’ve traveled and came to the city my mom and her husband lives for a few days, just cause I feel bad about not visiting her. This made me remember my last time I spent here, I was still in contact with my ex-boyfriend and he was actually being with other people without telling me. I was feeling neglected by my mother as well. Even though she was very happy to see me here as a surprise, and even though she was disappointed to hear that I’ll be back to work in a few days, she acted very cold and careless at night, when she was sleepy.

    That was when I remembered how she was, how she made me feel and it suddenly became more clear. Even though I confront her about it, she will not change. Yes, she misses me and she is probably content that I’m here for a while, but she doesn’t care for me the way I wanted to be cared for, this is not enough for me to feel safe. And I cannot blame her for that. Her defence mechanism works like this, to be careless about the world since the world is too much work sometimes. She couldn’t handle things, so she learned how to “not care” about stuff. She only cares about animals and that’s all.

    The feelings of loneliness actually reminded me of how I wanted to see that care from somebody else. I actually remembered how my ex-boyfriend was able to understand this apathy, and he always supported me when I was affected by it. I cried a bit, and then I thought about how I’ll always need that in my life and how I cannot have that from my parents. I was scared of losing them and also losing this possibility of confronting or resolving everything. But I realized that nothing will be resolved, cause the fact that they love me doesn’t mean they will want to change and I don’t see that happening anymore. I distracted myself with a podcast and I slept.

    I saw my ex-boyfriend in my dream. He was rejecting me, I was trying to get to him, trying to talk with him or face him. I was in need of some connection, someone who has understood me in the past in a really good way. I hoped that he would, again, be willing to understand. But he rejected me, rejected any type of help and he wasn’t there. I was left alone, crying a lot. Exactly like the time he told me that he was seeing someone else when I was back to that city after staying with my mom for a month. I couldn’t believe that, then. How could he do that? It was extremely hard to understand and endure. It felt like the most powerful rejection I’ve had. I wanted to see him, talk about this and even call out, cry and fight about it. I didn’t want to lose connection. But he didn’t want to see me and told me “I cannot help you.”

    The fact that he rejected helping me that night in different aspects (relationship and also just humane helping) did hurt me a lot. And at the moments where he reached out to me later on, asking for communication or anything, telling me that he’s missing me was also hard to endure, and in some of those, I was able to remember that night. I was so vulnerable, so hurt and crying alone and he was able to reject me. People experience worse and worse, there are too much pain around that people suffer from, I know. But being like that, and being rejected by somebody who I felt most comfortable with was one of the worst things for me.

    So I’m here, remembering all those stuff after all this time passed by. I guess I’m still resolving these stuff by myself. Also not being able to communicate very well with my current partner might have a role in this, since this has been the first time I went away after we’ve started the relationship and started to feel this way. He is the reason why I manage to feel good, why I can choose to feel good. I couldn’t actually choose to feel good in the past, there were lot’s of reasons preventing me from doing that. I actually get scared of being like that again. I know that I am a big reason for his happiness and he is a big reason of mine, but I am really scared of losing him.

    #392333
    miyoid
    Participant

    I’m glad that you’ve smiled. I hope that you’ll smile even more today for various reasons.

    I sometimes feel bad about my writing or overall English skills, since I’m not native and I can observe when I start to forget a bit or get better with a good practice. Maybe you’re the same, however, I remember that you were living there so you must be speaking English all the time. I use simple words when I do my job, just simple English. Some say, that’s the best thing. But I also want to be sophisticated. I like well-spoken or well-written English and I can say I’ve never had any problems reading your words, it has been smooth and I was impressed a lot, since you’ve gotten too deep sometimes, which I would prefer.

    #392331
    miyoid
    Participant

    I don’t know why but I thought I could also comment here regarding the subject of self-esteem. I would, again, feel sad about losing the connection after this communication you’ve had with him. I would, again, consider partnering with a man who has HSV-2. I think sometimes, we lower our standards a lot when we’re impressed or feel nice with somebody. It’s like, even when they don’t consider being in a long-term relationship, we cannot see this fact as a dealbreaker, although it is. I’ve always known that I should work on my self-esteem, but maybe I cannot work on it properly cause I don’t see any improvement in this regard, at least when it comes to a partner. Maybe one of the best indicators of one’s self esteem is the choices you make in relationships.

    #391323
    miyoid
    Participant

    Yes, you did! Thank you but I didn’t mean to affect your writing. Please write however you’d like to. I should be able to manage my own feelings and I believe I can do that. It was just an observation, but your post didn’t make me feel bad at all, since we’re also mentioning ego and all, not painful stuff like before.

    I should read about ego more these days, maybe it’s the right time to do that. I’m stable in my relationships and job at the moment, and I think it’s the right time to do that while I have the energy. Also, focusing on these subjects and focusing on myself charges me. I really need that charge these days. My mind needs to be revitalized with new perspectives.

    Feeling optimistic and a bit content, I hope you’ll smile for the rest of your day!

    #391300
    miyoid
    Participant

    Hi dear Anita,

    I feel like I don’t post here quite often for the last 2-3 months. This is both because I am a bit busy, and also when I have the time, I sometimes pretend myself from coming here since it requires lots of thinking. In my every post, I try to keep it deep since we have a deep conversation here. This happened a few times in the past months, I was feeling okay and coming here would mean that I would read my posts again and feel a bit worse. Maybe I should learn how to keep it simple sometimes, without looking into it pessimistic. I’ll try to keep myself optimistic this time.

    I’m sorry about the conditions you had over the Christmas. I hope that you wouldn’t have those conditions again, I am not used to cold weather at all, I’ve grown up in a relatively hot climate and I’m still living in that region. Therefore, in the weathers I feel frozen to the narrow, you wouldn’t feel a thing. Even after those hard conditions, you’re posting here, which means a lot. How can you do that? Maybe we’ve developed a connection, and you are actually answering and helping lots of people which I find amazing and also hard, devoted.

    I wouldn’t say that I’m shy, or insecure to share

    I was thinking what do I do and what I don’t do over these months, actually this was something I should’ve gotten into thinking way before. However, I was distracted with my other stuff so I guess I’ve always postponed this. I am not a shy person, I don’t feel shy. But writing this actually reminds me of my childhood. I was a shy child, growing up, I was not extrovert at all. I’ve got my education till high school at a school where my father was a teacher. This affected me a lot in terms of expressing myself. Not everyone liked me and I was holding the burden of ‘representing my father’ and something I did had the possibility to embarrass him. I don’t know how did this thought had a place in my mind, though. My father might not be responsible from this. After I started high school at a different school, my environment wasn’t THAT successful, since it was a different school full with slightly less successful student which made me sparkle there. I was more confident, even though I felt ugly then. Slowly I started to be myself, act like myself. I was a slightly weird person, and I also started to embrace that in those days. The people liked me because they had fun around me, I was ignoring lots of things at school and focusing on what was funny. However, I still see that shy-affect from my childhood sometimes. Especially when somebody speaks shamelessly about something they don’t know much about. And that makes me think that I don’t feed my ego much, however, I sometimes think that I might have a toxic ego just like my father and sister. I sometimes feel superior to my peers, and that actually creates some kind of a suffering. Since I feel superior intellectually or ethically, I can feel like I deserved better than somebody who is not as intellectual or as ethic regarding behaviors or even thoughts. And when that person has more than I do, then the suffering I mentioned plays role. I actually don’t suffer if we have the same amount of happiness or success, but when that person has more, I feel worthless.

    This makes me think that we should keep this thing in balance. If I feed my ego enough, then that example person is feeding his or her ego more than they should be. But if they’re doing it in balance, then I’m not feeding myself enough. But rationally, I think that most of the people I seem to be bothered by feed themselves and their ego more than they should be. Would you agree to that?

    Thank you for your nice words, I hope that this new year would bring you more happiness than you’ve ever experienced, I hope that you would have an amazing year and also more and more to come!

    #390372
    miyoid
    Participant

    Dear Nick, I couldn’t understand what you’ve meant and I’m eager to learn!

    Dear Anita, thanks for this comprehensive message which again, fed me a lot. Merry Christmas to you too!

    All the things you wrote make sense. I’ll be sharing this with the psychiatrist I’m seeing, which will be 2 months later. In the meantime, I felt like I can work on these key points myself. I’m realizing everyday that I can get better at some subjects. It made sense when you also used the same key points, like confidence. I can see how insecure I can get in my relationships and how much of a compromise I am able to give in order to avoid conflict or maybe in order to avoid another abandonment. And I’m simply afraid of attracting too much attention by wearing the stuff I want or doing make up. I tend to not step ahead to feel better, and wear better, and look better. Of course I always take care of the basic stuff, maybe more than lots of people. I care about that a lot, in a weird way maybe. I never go out with unplucked brows, I always have them ready, even though I have to pluck them like two times a week. But when it comes to make-up, maybe I never feel like I have the confidence for it. Slowly trying to get over that these days, maybe it has been a lot, like two years, but it’s a slow process. Although I like those stuff on other people, this problem is just about having them myself.

    Other treatment goals: “regaining an adaptive equilibrium, alleviating symptoms, restoring lost skills, and fostering improved adaptive capacity”- (1) learning skills such as choosing and asserting oneself, (2) changing maladaptive/harmful thinking and behaviors into adaptive/ helpful thinking and behavior, and (3) feeling better, stable- as a result.

    I’m not really sure if this is what I have, but I clearly have lots of symptoms of it. Therefore, working on myself for two months till my next appointment and talking about this at that appointment seems logical. I don’t want to live a life which I mostly fear of things, and fall behind just because I’m scared of attention or more specifically, the wrong type of attention since I mostly fear of physical attention rather than a mental one. Although it sometimes prevents me from expressing myself further as well. I wouldn’t say that I’m shy, or insecure to share. But I would say that it has effects on me. Sometimes I find myself listening and feeling bad when somebody is speaking about something that they don’t know and I don’t really interrupt. Rarely, I do that, in a weird way, or not. But then, I question my ego.

    Especially these last weeks, I stumbled upon some circumstances where the person I’m talking with has this attitude that I can destroy in just one second. Sometimes, I just didn’t do that. And the other times, I felt my ego a lot, rising. I just obeyed that, and gave some kind of an answer where I put myself ahead. But then, I realized that wasn’t the right thing to do, immediately. I really like feeding my ego, though. However, it’s like, I would like to be able to do it the right way. I would prefer to be in a good position when I do that, I would rather have people saw my knowledge or skills naturally instead of me expressing them. Maybe I’m that much of an egoist! Kidding. But maybe I am! But that can be another type of confrontation, confronting people about the stuff you do, and maybe I am also avoiding that.

    #389249
    miyoid
    Participant

    I didn’t realize I referred to him as “My guy”, I actually opened up my previous post and checked, that was true. I don’t know if it was a mistake but it’s not a usual thing for me to say about a new person. I’m very surprised.

    I consider myself as someone who cannot choose… I can choose… I’m learning to choose for me

    Dear Anita, I’ve missed a huge thing in my post yesterday. These quotes made me realize it. I’m actually trying to choose in time, that’s very correct. I felt more like myself when I was able to persuade my ex-boyfriend into the fact that we could try. Before we have started our relationship, he actually had a mental breakdown as well. And after that day, I kind of persuaded him that we could try it, try to be happy together. And then we have started the relationship. I remember how hard that day was and also I felt like I was the decisive person, I chose him. Even though persuading someone into something like this was a big mistake, I felt like I was slowly learning to choose. Two years passed, I’ve rejected some people, learned to choose more, but something bigger happened last month. We were seeing each other with this boy and acting like girlfriend and boyfriend. But I’ve got some measureless criticize from some people, which was annoying a lot. Someone who I just met and saw me like a sister actually made a comment about him saying that he was just interested in superficial things and he was just using me. He made that comment without knowing him at all, just out of 2 mins of introduction. Then someone from my circle also said to me to stay hesitant since this will be the things I’ve experienced in the past, it’ll take my time, it’ll take lots of effort but he’ll be gone. I could see how subjective these comments were, but I was affected. All in all, I tend to think of the worst-case scenario. I stopped telling details about my own business to these people, started to set boundaries. However, I got upset, since I also started to think that he might actually be using me, or he might be superficial even though he was acting very emotional.

    I couldn’t hold these emotions in for long, after a few days, I started to reveal my insecurities to this boy. It wasn’t very obvious, very small revealings, a few times. He tried to handle it in a good way, and my insecurities didn’t stop. And maybe after 1-2 weeks, when he wanted to meet again, I said that this invitation looked a bit superficial suddenly. I said that I tend to be emotional and I was feeling emotionally involved. Then I asked if we can make this thing a relationship or not. It was one hell of a hard communication for me, I waited anxiously but was very excited, I have never experienced that kind of a burst before. He wanted to meet, we sat at a park, didn’t speak for like 20 mins, and then he said that he loved me. And then that was it, I had expressed what I wanted, I took the risk of losing it, and then it happened. Such power, I didn’t know how good it could make me feel before. So, since we were talking about choosing, there you go. A huge thing for me, I can say that I’m proud of myself since I behave in the effect of abandonment issues a lot, maybe with the excitement and ignorance, I was able to take this risk. Although I was lucky, I don’t know how I would be if I was rejected.

    He told me that he was very scared since he also experienced some bad toxic relationships and he actually told everyone that he wouldn’t be in a relationship again. But then he thought about it and made up his mind, maybe hesitantly, I don’t know. Sometimes, I still get scared of the possibility of him thinking about this again and changing his mind.

    As for the mental breakdown you’ve experienced, I felt lots of sympathy towards you reading it. It wasn’t possible for me to read it without crying. Although I’m surprised how sharp your memory is, it feels very detailed, the emotions especially. Maybe I will remember more as I explore.

    I don’t mind at all, your words always show me more stuff that I’d like to explore. In fact, I’ll be mentioning a thought thanks to this?

    Many people also develop an increased sensitivity to pain and discomfort, and others experience a positive touch in a negative way, such as when you hold hands with someone…

    Not with the physical touch, but I have an increased sensitivity to an emotional touch such as compassion. And this actually makes it harder for me to open up to people, especially when it comes to face-to-face communication. Whenever I open up a feeling that I feel vulnerable with, and whenever someone looks or behaves compassionately towards me since they try to understand or they sympathize with me, I burst into tears. This thing existed since I was a child and because of it, I couldn’t open up to people, especially elders. I’m guessing I should think about this habit of mine more and some stuff would come out of it. Feels similar to the increased sensitivity you’ve mentioned.

    As for the owning, flattering to be able to own others, I see that it can be highly related to narcissist tendencies. Because of my father and sister, I have been reading about these a lot and I’ll be reading more and more. Because I feel like I should understand more, and understanding will also help me get rid of those tendencies for myself as well. Even though I know I’m not narcissistic, at least I don’t feel like it, I realize some behaviors of mine that can be interpreted as tendencies towards there, so I’m also trying to understand those at the moment. But I’m guessing this is not a major issue at all, at least for now. Maybe you would be able to relate to this subject as well. The more I read and watch, the more I can relate and it feels better. I realize that I’m not the person they try to make me see since they’re always bringing up the worst in the people that they own, which is also me.

    Thank you for your amazing communication, it feeds me a lot.

    #389215
    miyoid
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    It feels weird since I felt like opening up tinybuddha and reading the topics, and I’ve seen that you’ve replied to this topic 8 hrs ago.

    I know that I can tell more, in time, if he wants to listen“- ask him if he wants to listen, if he is patient and can wait and be gentle with you, not pushy, not demanding.

    I feel like he has lots of stuff to open up to me, maybe more traumas than I have. He has been an understanding person even if he acted a bit weird sometimes when I act cold, and then we both apologized for our behaviours. I feel like he is the most adult relationship I’ve ever had. I can be more open, still, I have the fear of abandonment and I feel anxious when I don’t get an answer for like 5 hours. But I know that’s my problem and he doesn’t make me feel insecure about losing anything. He has been giving me signs, telling stuff, or reminding me that he loves me during the week which makes me feel safe. Sometimes a few times in a day, sometimes a few times in a week. I can feel and observe how my thoughts and anxiety can differ accordingly with his words and I also see that it happens within my mind. I don’t know how stable he is with his emotions. I tend to be very unstable with mine, and he is like me in so many aspects. But my fear of abandonment actually prevents me from being unstable regarding the love or affection I feel towards somebody since my fear doesn’t let me be free or be myself, I guess. Or maybe I’m just loyal and I see it like this. However, fear of abandonment preventing me from being unstable in relationships and making me loyal is the most rational thought I can find in this pond of thoughts. It makes sense to me.

    Your subconscious mind jumps immediately to the unfortunate outcome: I will be abandoned. And this makes you cry inconsolably.

    Yes, this is maybe the most powerful self-sabotage I have in my mind. And I try to distract myself from that, just like in my childhood. I distinctly remember that whenever I wasn’t able to distract myself with the computer, with a game, or something interesting, I was suddenly depressed and suffocated. I couldn’t help myself but cry in those times. Then school started and I learned to press those emotions a bit. They only broke out rarely, when something I couldn’t resist happened. Like a little fight where my emotions got triggered and at the end, I couldn’t help myself but cry because my necklace was broken. I wasn’t sad at the necklace, it didn’t mean anything. I was just highly affected by the incident and I couldn’t hold myself. But I told everyone that it was the necklace and it had a meaning to me. I was in 4th grade then.

    I don’t think you’ve shared before that your mother actually left you after the divorce to go live with her brothers, while you stayed with your father. (You did say she abandoned you physically, but now you explained how it happened).

    This abandonment was a bit vague, that’s why I still have a hard time understanding it. I cannot recall how many months it took, but first, she left us for a while to go live with her brothers. I must’ve spent at least 2 months or maybe more time with my dad. Then I guess they’ve seen that I wasn’t able to endure, my mom made my uncle come and get me so that I can be with them in that city. After some time, we were back in our hometown and my mom left my mom officially so I kept living with my mom. I have never thought this period has given me some damage till 2018. Only after that year, I’ve started to understand I was experiencing the same emotions when something bad happens or when I’m faced with abandonment.

    Your father was narcissistic and didn’t really want to care for you, so he left you at his friends while he went to his hobbies. Which means he didn’t want to spend his free time with you, maybe even his weekends?

    He is actually very emotional. He even feeds off of emotions, sad ones. But he is very bad at empathy and expressing his emotions. He wasn’t able to connect with me on an emotional level rather than the intellectual stuff he tried to impose upon me. I’m very grateful for that intellectual stuff, he actually contributed a lot to the person I am today. But I can also see how he affected me and gave me damage. I’m guessing, thanks to him, I have a very hard time trusting people, and just like him, I always have doubts about people. I always think about the worst-case scenarios and even after the tiniest tip that people gave away, I always think that they might harm me.

    He was around when my sister was a child and a teen, so he affected my sister way more than he did to me. She acts exactly like a narcissist now. For my father and my sister, there are two types of people. The ones that they own, and the ones that they don’t own. My mom and me, since we’re family, they have always owned us, and they didn’t care about our families. They only got what they could get from us, they got their nutrition as much as they could get and we were nothing at the end of the day. For the people they do not own, they are charming. I’ve had so many children at my school during my primary school that hated me since he was my father. They thought that this was an amazing thing and they even used to envy that. But they didn’t know the whole story, they didn’t know how he behaved at home and the weird thing is, I was lost in this contradiction as well. I didn’t realize what was happening, I was just lost.

    I also got lost explaining how he is, but yes, his understanding of time was having me read books or having me study, that was all. He was my teacher, nothing more. I have no memories of hugging him in a way that would make me feel safe. And I didn’t know that I needed that then, I was just doing what I was taught. If I had known that, I would just teach him how to do it. But I’ve always been so introverted near him. I didn’t have the courage to ask something like “can I play with the computer” let alone show affection. But I know that he didn’t know how to do it either. So I cannot feel any anger or grudge towards him, but I have my regrets even though I know I’ve done my best. It’s weird how people can have regrets for something they didn’t do, maybe that’s empathy or self-sabotage, I’m not sure.

    – Something about that ex-boyfriend of yours, who I thought was a terrible boyfriend to you, something about his attending to you,  made you feel better when you felt that “weird, ugly feeling”? Better than anyone has made you feel in a long time, and maybe for as long as forever?

    Yes, I would say so. He was the most understanding person when he was the good version of himself. But at other times, he made me feel really bad too. I know it was really unhealthy now and I know it was the good thing to do, even if I wasn’t the person who broke it off. He was powerful enough to do it. I still feel weird about him, I sometimes miss him and see him in my dreams. It’s a weird feeling, I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned that here before but I feel similar emotions towards my mother. I feel lots of guilt. I feel bad because of the hard things they have to or had to endure. Both of them made me feel bad but both of them didn’t do it on purpose. I know their hearts, so I cannot feel any bad feelings towards them, only the good ones. So it’s very hard for me to forget him. But I know that this is the right thing, to move on.

    I am sorry that you were not helped here, by posting here. I hope that the psychiatrist you’ve been seeing back in October is helping him, and that deep inside you are a bit less lonely, a bit more able to choose, a bit stronger.

    Don’t be sorry, just being understood is very valuable and I don’t think I’m not being helped. I’m trying and observing, writing here everything makes me observe even better and you pointed out things that I wouldn’t be able to find or interpret myself. I’ve been seeing the psychiatrist approximately every other month, online. It’s not in-depth yet, it’s going very slow. But I feel like I shouldn’t expect too much, I’m giving it time, she needs to know me first as well. As for him, I guess he hasn’t been able to find “the doctor” yet from what I’ve heard but my fingers are crossed. I sincerely want him to be happy.

    Other than that, things are going well for me. Mundane challenges, my job, stuff I try to enjoy. I try to read more, understand more. I don’t know what else I want from life but I guess I’m working on the security first. Both in terms of emotions and finance.

    #387083
    miyoid
    Participant

    My last post was from 24th July. It feels like more time has passed in these two months, I guess. I went back to my hometown to visit my dad, had a mental breakdown there, then stayed at my stepdad’s empty house and I had fun for three days. I even accidentally had a fling with an old friend whom I lost interest in very quickly. And then somebody else wanted to flirt and I wasn’t interested again. When I’m able to reject, when I can understand whether or not I’m interested, this gives me a bit of power since normally I consider myself as someone who cannot choose. I realized again, that I can choose. I’m not proud of this story but this continues with another flirtation. An old friend whom I recently started to have conversations with opened up to me, saying he was into me. And since it made me feel nice and I liked talking with him, I started seeing him. I’m just realizing that it all happened so fast, and it has been two months since we first met after he opened up.

    So, again, no empty space for myself alone. I won’t be blaming myself for this, but I have to admit that this might be a problem for me. However, when I’m interested in someone, should I ignore that? I don’t think so. I’ll have more answers on this as I grow up. In these two months, I’ve had my sessions with my psychiatrist as well. Slow sessions, she is slowly getting to know me. She is way way behind you guys. And the reason why I let this flirt happen is that this boy actually started to give me some reasons to trust. However, it’s hard to believe someone. My guy is telling me that he’s very sincere. But after the things I’ve been through, and after my childhood, it’s very hard to believe something. I’ve even had some friends comment on this and I don’t think you would approve.

    Someone from my circle said, “You’ll just have another relationship for one year and he’s gonna leave you at the end and you’ll suffer all over again. Don’t do this.” He said this without even knowing him or listening to me about what happened. It was a quick response to the fact that I was seeing somebody. I didn’t make the conversation longer and I just left it like that. Even though I know that I shouldn’t, it got to me. But I’m learning. I’m learning to choose for me, not for them.

    For the first time in a while, I’ve experienced something. After fruitful conversations, there was silence and suddenly, there were no distractions for me. It wasn’t unfamiliar, I’ve had this a lot in my childhood. When my parents split up, I used to stay either in my hometown with my dad or in another city where my mom went to stay for a while with her brothers. In those months, or in that year, it’s a bit vague for me, I cried a lot. But it happened weirdly. When I have a distraction that would interest me, like a computer, for example, I was okay. When I was with a friend that can keep me interested, I was okay. But right when I lost my interest, right when I’m not focused on something that can distract me, I felt a deep longing I couldn’t stand but cry. When I was with my mother, she tried to comfort me by talking, as long as she could. I remember her feeling regretful. She was the one responsible for the splitting up, and I was there, crying. I have never had a deep connection with my dad but I used to miss him. It wasn’t even missing him, sometimes I did feel sorry for him. Because he made me feel that way. He manipulated us like this for years. I felt like we’ve left dad at home, alone, miserable even though he was the reason why this was all happening.

    And when I’m back with my dad, since I cry mom had to send me back a couple of times, I felt even more miserable. I didn’t have anybody to talk. He used to find some people that have a child my age, and he used to make me meet him and then drop me on the way to his hobbies. I used to spend my day at other people’s houses and I tried to endure that. However, almost always, after some distraction hours with other people, I accidentally found a moment to feel like myself again and I started crying, first secretly and then resulting in them/parents finding me and trying to understand why I was like that. I’m guessing they would blame it on the splitting up and feel grateful since their child wouldn’t be like that. Then probably the parents used to call my dad and my dad would come and get me. He couldn’t make me meet with the same people again since it would’ve been rude. Since I did cry the last time, so maybe they would ask “why are you bringing this child to us”, right?

    So, after those fruitful conversations with him, at that silence, I felt so miserable. I suddenly got back to those years. I wasn’t safe. I was feeling that weird, ugly feeling deep down. I don’t know if it was anxiety, I am not sure. But in those moments, I cannot help but cry and the most memorable feeling would be feeling unsafe. Since I did admit I was feeling unsafe and bad, he tried to support me and tried to understand. But I couldn’t tell him more. It was really hard. I know that I can tell more, in time, if he wants to listen. But these mental breakdowns make me feel so vulnerable that I miss the last person I was able to be comfortable crying in front of. It was my ex-boyfriend. Sometimes I just want to call him and ugly cry, and I know that he would try his best in terms of understanding and helping. I guess I was able to express how confused I am.

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