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Arden

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 136 total)
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  • #422181
    Arden
    Participant

    I would never be angry or resentful towards you! I still cannot comprehend how you can provide such insights to lots of people, the things you do, and how you do it, it’s like you’re studying the posts and then providing your perspective, which are so brilliant and helpful each time. Maybe I was lucky, I was in a good state and didn’t need so much help when you left. I didn’t expect to see you here and I still feel okay, and it’s such a delight seeing/having a conversation with you again. All in all, I feel grateful to have met and contacted you here. How are you?

    As for updates, I’ve changed my name and photo out of a anonymity need, kind of felt a bit paranoid since I share a lot here. My rent was increasing and so many stuff happened there, but radically, I have moved to a different country with a job. I had to come here alone for now, and my boyfriend of 2 years (almost) will also try to come here after me hopefully. Your interpretation was right, even though it was not related to the photo/emojis and so on, I have been in a good place for 2 years now. In the past 2 years, you have observed/analyzed the first part of it, I have grown/worked a lot/improved mentally. I had some time to observe how I react, how I get upset at the things and correct them a bit. This has happened maybe because I was not busy with my own relationship drama. My relationship was drama-free, and I hope that it goes this way. As I might’ve mentioned before, I was so afraid of coming here. I’ve came here to live, 3.000 km away from him now, did what I was afraid hoping that we can overcome this. He is also willing to come here if visa things can be figured out, and he’ll work here and live with me hopefully. We don’t know when that will happen. I guess I am good with the uncertainty now, as long as we can find a way.

    #422180
    Arden
    Participant

    When I read “It helped you when nothing (and no one) else did.” it make me burst into tears since I kind of guessed, now Anita will compare yoga into something and that will make brilliant sense.

    You didn’t mind sharing it with people whom you believed could benefit from it, but this woman, this frenemy, as you refer to her, already has SO MUCH. Why does she want to take away from you the one thing that is yours?

    I guess I just wanted my yoga to stay calm, without any interference. And she asked me a few questions while doing it, like, can you do that pose, can you do that one, or this one. Then I realized over the years, I’ve just did my practices without trying to do more. Just what I was comfy with, nothing more. I felt a bit bad about it, but when you think about it, I have no reason to be ambitious on those practices. Whatever I feel like doing should be okay. I felt like she was able to do some poses and then compared herself to me. I’ll try to forget this ever happened and ignore the upcoming questions.

    What I see- based on our years-long communication- is a person who has had a weak sense of self, a weak identity for too long. This other woman has a strong sense of identity (however flawed): she thinks very highly of herself, and this is something that you don’t have, but wish you did.

    This made me want to take a note of it. I don’t know how to correct this but I can sometimes just hide, in terms of what I feel. Then I earn for new ways to express those hidden feelings. Maybe in the past, I never expressed them. But now, I really want to express and I am not sure but I might’ve been even passive aggressive about some stuff, which I actually hate and cannot stand in other people. I will observe myself.

    #422169
    Arden
    Participant

    Oh yes, you are Anita. Just understood from the reply you have given me on another post. I am so surprised! I now felt like a little kid who’s caught eaten lots of chocolates since you’re back! (regarding the posts I’ve posted when you’re gone) 😅

    #422168
    Arden
    Participant

    Hey Anita, are you “Anita” Anita? I’ve changed my name from myogrim recently, if you are. 🌞

    And yes, you understood me correctly. I never thought you would be back!

    #421738
    Arden
    Participant

    I will try to ignore them a bit, stop giving without receiving. However, I really want to work on my ego that has created the rivalry here, this shouldn’t have happened 😀 Thank you Miles for your perspective and replies.

    #421351
    Arden
    Participant

    You’re the best one to know for sure! Again you’ve done some good reflection here in this paragraph. It sounds like maybe you want to be a bit more carefree? Care less about what people think and focus on your needs?

    Yes, I need to be more carefree but somehow I am having hard time doing that. I found out years ago that if I think about my actions, everything in a good way I wouldn’t be in hard positions financially and so on. So maybe since I see that living is easier this way, I need to protect myself financially and emotionally. So being like her is not possible for me but I guess I can take breaks. Maybe I am just too tired from working and thinking all the time.

    What about the fact that this person is liked and loved a lot? Do you feel like you are not? At least for myself, I know that would be a comparison I would make (and have made). But again, you’re the best to know for this. See if its true for you.

    I am not sure it seems to be as if she has some friends from the past that hold on to her even though she was selfish at times and has been not fair to them. This also includes me, she was not a supporter in some aspects and sabotaged me in the past by being self absorbed about something we both did, like projects or stuff we did together. A bit ignorant as I’ve observed over the years and then stopped expecting more from her.

    I don’t know why people like each other so I cannot fight with that I guess. I will just be myself and whoever likes me will like me and that’s all. I will have to focus on my own advantages more and chill. These types of toxic thoughts occur when I am not in my best mind.

    #421298
    Arden
    Participant

    i am grateful that I no longer see some of the trauma given by family members that hurt me in the past as something that affects me how i perceive them, i try to overcome the bad feeling towards them and i am slowly accomplishing. I do not perceive what I was done as a personal thing, it was not about me at all and I do not hold on to those bad feelings.

    #421297
    Arden
    Participant

    I am not sure if this is cheating but tips and tricks on the internet help me a lot. I decide what I’ll draw and then I search tips online, and usually there are some tips on how to do it like dividing the canvas into 6 or 8 and then copying the thing one by one, or any other technique that makes it easier.

    #421296
    Arden
    Participant

    Trying to find out the stuff I need to find out so thank you for your answer.

    I’ve found when I am comparing or criticizing they often have something that I lack that I want for myself. Fitness or nothingness being notable attributes. Does this person have things that you wish you had?

    Yes, that is something I’ve been thinking about. Actually what I yearn for is to be a bit more careless, a bit more relaxed. I am not like a stressful person, I just know my limits, I act careful to the loved ones, I try not to bother anyone and also take care of myself at all times. But I don’t think she cares at all about any of those details. Can you sense anything that I am not seeing here? Let me know, you’d be helping me.

    For example, I have been doing these exercises for years without comparing myself to anyone else. But she asked me if I could do one specific pose after all those time, she was able to accomplish that pose so she was asking. I felt like she is trying to let me know / learn where I am at since I’ve been doing and she just started. I sense a need of accomplishment in her mind when asking me and waiting for an answer like “yes, i was able to do that pose after months” which what I gave her.

    Thank you for the tips, when I am involved in these types of comparing/toxic feelings, I tend to forget the other party can feel the same way. I kind of feel that she is creating the rivalry, but I am not sure.

    Why do you focus on your spirituality? Yes to overcome your anxiety, childhood, etc. but there are a lot of mask those feelings (drugs, alcohol, ignorance of the problem). Why do you want to be better?

    Thank you for making me think, I actually don’t focus on spirituality. If i did, I would have done more and accomplished more. I just stayed around where I was and kept myself sane, that was all. I just did what I wanted to do, and didn’t yearn for more, didn’t have any rival on that and just wanted to keep myself calm/peaceful. Maybe now that she brings this feeling, comparison, into my life about something that I’ve only done in a pure way and I am angry because of this.

    #421274
    Arden
    Participant

    I am not wishing any thing bad for her, but I cannot wish the best for her either. I don’t know how toxic is that.

    Thank you for your suggestion, I’ll look into that book!

    Streak doesn’t mean anything in yoga, it just means that I do at least an exercise of yoga each day, doesn’t matter the lentgh. So I just note it down like 50 days, it has been 13 days, and so on. When sth happens, I just start over the next day or next week.

    #421262
    Arden
    Participant

    Hi Roberta,

    I don’t think this frenemy will transform, as we don’t have any time to wait for others to change. I am more interested in changing myself so that I won’t feel this way about yoga and her. This state of mind bothered me and I am trying to change it. At least, I am trying to identify which parts of toxicity here belongs with me and not her, and as I identify that, I can maybe change it.

    #416102
    Arden
    Participant

    It’s completely okay; I just wanted to leave this address here if something changes.

    I hope you’re more peaceful. Take good care!

    #415181
    Arden
    Participant

    Best wishes for Anita; I hope she will be forever peaceful and happy.

    #415180
    Arden
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I am sorry that this must be done, I don’t have any clue what happened, but I am guessing you are overwhelmed or had a good reason; I hope you’re safe and peaceful.

    I will forever be grateful for your support, help, and understanding.

    If you feel like talking again, not like a supporting and devoted friend, but like also “asking for help or support from other friends” situation, contact me. I would be honored to be considered as a friend from your side.

    kediciiik@gmail.com

    #412688
    Arden
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I have opened up the forum in the past week and never had the energy to put my feelings here. I hope you’ve had an amazing Christmas and will have an amazing New Years. May the new year bring you so much more peace and happiness.

    I’ve had a mental crisis recently where I learned that my landlord is planning to increase my rent by %400 and if I don’t pay that, they will sue me. Just when I managed to have the house to myself, without any toxic flatmates (the last one of them will leave next month), I’ve learned that maybe I will have to move to my mom’s house or something, since there are no rental houses for affordable prices anymore. So I was terrified, depressed, crying all the time. I felt so alone, everybody had something to say, some stuff they could suggest but nobody was actually with me in this. I was all alone, and I had to face this problem on my own. My bf was working a lot those days, so he also couldn’t really support. He was by my side, but he was not saying me that “we would handle this together.” So I felt awful. He was hugging, not saying much about the subject. He was trying to distract me.

    I even told him a story of my childhood which I find very vulnerable. When I was about 6-8 years old, I was constantly crying and depressed. I was either with my father in the same city, or with my mom in another city. I needed somebody’s support I guess, I needed them to understand me and maybe care for me. I felt so alone. When I was with my mom, she used to listen to me for a while and tried to support. Maybe she didn’t have much patience but she tried, she was also having depressed times I figured later on. But when I was with my dad, he never had the courage to deal with this problem. Never tried to understand or talk to me about it, as far as I remember. Never even hugged me. He was afraid of his own emotions I suppose, and if he confronted me, he wouldn’t be able to handle them? Not sure. Maybe he just didn’t care since he was fixated on himself. So he always found a place to drop me off, to hang out. He was a teacher, so he knew so many people. He used to find some family who has a child around my age and then I was there, left to hang out with them, play with them. The same scenario used to happen always, I was distracted for a while and then when it ends, I start crying. The family tries to understand me, support me but what can they do? I don’t even know what my problem is, so I probably never explained fully. I think I used to say that I missed my mom or stuff like that. Then finally when I stop crying, dad picks me up. After a while, I learned to hold myself and not cry in front of others, and my parents as well.

    When I told this story which I only told you and now him, not even the psychiatrist I saw since I couldn’t handle it, he hugged, tried to comfort me but nothing else. I felt bad since he was not there with me. He just waited for me to calm down, that’s all.

    My mom also talked about him in a bad way for the first time. She told me that since he is not that active regarding this crisis, maybe I should observe him more. She made me doubt him and after that, I was also a bit weird to him. I kind of stated that I felt so alone, meaning he wasn’t that much of a support. I actually wanted him to say stuff like, “you can always move in with me”, “we’ll do it together”, “I would never let you move out of this city”. These words comfort people, distracting never works! I hate distractions when I am in a crisis, I guess I learned that it’s never the right thing and who am I even kidding?

    But then after a while, 2-3 days later when he is not as busy as before, he got what I felt. He supported and said, “if it all comes to there and we cannot find a solution, you’ll move in to my house.” I was relieved, and then I moved on thinking about solutions with a more calm mind.

    The problem still exists, but now that I heard him say these which apparently meant a lot for me, I feel calmer, and better. After a few days of crying, being depressed I woke up with 4 cold sores on my mouth. It was terrible and I actually saw how much it affects my health and my body. A few days of crisis made my body react this fast.

    But the fact that if he didn’t say those words, I would be worse now terrifies me. I am so dependent on his emotional support, and words. And also extremely surprised to see that my body had something to say as well about this stressful and depressive days. She didn’t like it apparently, and now I am healing my lips.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 136 total)