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The phenomenon of “helping someone excessively can make them turn against you”

HomeForumsEmotional MasteryThe phenomenon of “helping someone excessively can make them turn against you”

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Viewing 6 posts - 31 through 36 (of 36 total)
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  • #426931
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Arden:

    Good to read from you first thing this cold, cold – (minus) 14 degrees celsius Saturday morning (here). I am glad that you found comfort in my reply. I am fine considering the cold and some other concerns. Like I wrote in my reply to you on Dec 24: ” the distance that matters most in the way we experience life is the short distance in-between our ears”, and I am keeping this distance as warm and as pleasant as possible for me, one day at a time. I hope you do the same.

    Communicating with you, Arden, helps me keep that short distance warm, pleasant and interesting, so, you are welcome and thank you!

    anita

    #428125
    Arden
    Participant

    It seems like you also live close to the north pole, a bit. But not sure. I hope you have had a nice Jan and February. I appreciate your responds a lot, thank you for your understanding and companionship.

    Yes, I have been realizing more and more how others are able to ASK, without guilt, or shame. I try to make sure I am not stepping on anyone, upsetting anyone or using my credits within people. I learned to think that I have a limited amount of credit in people and always tried to act upon that so that I wouldn’t lose anyone outside of my control. It’s even like “use your resources cautiously so that you would have them when you most need it” type of mentality. I do that with people, money, everything. The only thing I do not act accordingly with this mentality is myself and my own resources, my attention, my emotions and so on.

    However, seeing that how others can carelessly ask for stuff, trivial or important stuff, they do not care about the credit they have within people. They just ask, act, live. Some of them do that in a spoiled way and that has driven me crazy as you saw in my previous posts.

    I also always acted with a passive thought in my mind that is “resource can be limited, be careful“. Therefore, when I do have access to resources, money or any food/stuff I am buying for the house, I always think with a “you might not be able to find this thing again, or in this price, so act accordingly, with caution.” Even years before we had this global crisis and war, I had my mind on stocking stuff within my financial power that time in my house so that I would be safe, for another 2 months maybe.

    This is something I am realizing clearly now. I am in a country with less inflation, so stocking stuff doesn’t seem too rational to me and I might also need the money regarding the job situations. So when I stop myself from buying that extra detergent, I realize my old habits of seeing resources and money. How that has affected me in every possible way. My mind practically had a war and a global crisis at all times.

    Also the friend of me here, which was the reason I posted this specific post has randomly tried to give me a toothpaste when I was visiting. She founded the tube in her bag, instead of taking it to the bathroom, she offered it to me. I kindly rejected, said “oh why would you, put it there and use it, I also have it and can purchase an-nytime.”, then she commented on that saying “you never accept things easily, just accept it for god’s sake” and went to the bathroom to put it there instead.

    I already knew that feature of mine, but it got me thinking even more. Instead of instantly rejecting a random thing that was offered to me, why my first instinct is not accepting? Those people that I have resented for being spoiled, and some of them I still do have those types of feelings towards, their first instinct would have been to accept it. Either it is money, products, anything.

    Thank you for rationalizing or better yet, appreciating/accepting my feelings in the previous post.

    It feels like I am even more closer to my own-self here far away from practically everyone else that has a big space in my mind till today, and my own-self actually feels like the moments of my passions and good feelings I had in my childhood on my own. Those little moments that I was in my head, living the moment on my own. Those feel like the moments that I was my authentic self the most.

    I would wish that we could have came here together at the same time with my partner as I wouldn’t worry about finances or anything else this much, but as a result of my solitude here for months (already 5 months here alone, it’s crazy how time passes), I am observing myself and my past a lot. And I can really feel how these job crises and other emotional hardships of moving here alone has contributed to my confidence, I can feel the slight changes each day and how it actually feels to actually build a life with small steps. The only problem we have with my partner is slight jealousy stuff that don’t get bigger (and i was the one being jealous), financials since i don’t feel safe and he doesn’t have a job at the moment and still applies, and he gets depressive when he gets rejected by each job. I sometimes get a bit afraid if I am investing my financials and health into him in the right way.

    I try to save up more for any type of expenses that might arise from the fact that we still haven’t evacuated the flat with the lawsuit and have paid for many stuff in the past 5 months, he also paid as well but maybe not as much as I did? I sometimes stop and think if I did good or not. Can I trust him that way, would he put the same effort as myself and work, earn and actually make me feel better about all the stuff we have faced. It’s like, I am putting myself at risk but with intentions that he would be worth doing that. So far, I don’t think he would use me. But I guess I have a built in fear about being used. He doesn’t have that, so I tried to explain my anxiety on financials. He made his applications even more aggressively afterwards and tried to report me in some way how he’s also trying. He understood and maybe found himself in the wrong and trying better. These types of thoughts make me feel stingy, or weird, but all I am trying to do is to make sure that I am not being used. I start having expectations of him earning more than me once he comes (hence the skills he has) and therefore I can feel more secure in the long run.

    #428127
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Arden:

    So good to read from you! To be focused enough to attentively read and reply, I’ll have to wait to tomorrow, Sun morning (it is Sat, shortly after noon here).Take care!

    anita

    #428139
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Arden:

    You are welcome and thank you for your appreciation, you are very kind!

    It seems like you also live close to the north pole, a bit“- about 3,331 kilometers from the north pole.

    “Yes, I have been realizing more and more how others are able to ASK, without guilt, or shame… They just ask, act, live… I also always acted with a passive thought in my mind that is ‘resource can be limited, be careful‘… ‘you might not be able to find this thing again, or in this price, so act accordingly, with caution.’ Even years before we had this global crisis and war, I had my mind on stocking stuff… I realize my old habits of seeing resources and money. How that has affected me in every possible way. My mind practically had a war and a global crisis at all times”-

    -when we grow up in lack, in the absence of what need, we grow inward, more than we grow outward, meaning we minimize ourselves so to need less, so to get by with less. Asking other people for stuff is an outward expression; we don’t ask (I am similar to you, not asking for stuff!), we don’t assert ourselves, we try to accommodate others at our own expense.

    “Also the friend of me here… offered (toothpaste) to me. I kindly rejected… then she commented on that saying ‘you never accept things easily, just accept it for god’s sake’… it got me thinking even more. Instead of instantly rejecting a random thing that was offered to me, why my first instinct is not accepting? Those people that I have resented for being spoiled.. their first instinct would have been to accept it. Either it is money, products, anything”-

    -without knowing he was doing this, your father trained you to not accept/ reject things offered to you. Imagine if your father said to himself when you were born: I am going to train this baby to not ask me for stuff/ to reject stuff by punishing her when she asks for stuff, and rewarding her (maybe) for not asking for stuff,  Your father behaved as if he intentionally trained you this way, much like a person would train a dog: providing punishment (ex., talking to the dog in a harsh tone) in regard to behaviors the trainer wants to discourage, and provide a positive reward (ex., a food treats) in regard to behaviors the trainer wants to encourage.

    Other people who have no trouble asking for stuff did not receive your training.

    It feels like I am even more closer to my own-self here far away from practically everyone else.. my authentic self the most“-your authentic self is Arden before she was trained by her father to not ask for stuff. Continuing to reclaim your authentic self would include learning to ask for stuff.

    “I would wish that we could have came here together at the same time with my partner as I wouldn’t worry about finances or anything else this much, but as a result of my solitude here for months (already 5 months here alone… I can really feel how these job crises and other emotional hardships of moving here alone has contributed to my confidence...”- the reclaiming of your authentic self.

    “The only problem we have with my partner is slight jealousy stuff… finances since I don’t feel safe and he doesn’t have a job at the moment and still applies, and he gets depressive when he gets rejected by each job… I try to save up more for any type of expenses that might arise… Can I trust him that way, would he put the same effort as myself and work, earn… So far, I don’t think he would use me. But I guess I have a built in fear about being used… These types of thoughts make me feel stingy, or weird, but all I am trying to do is to make sure that I am not being used. I start having expectations of him earning more than me once he comes (hence the skills he has) and therefore I can feel more secure in the long run”-

    –  much of the ways we think is the result of the training we received, and not an expression of our authentic self. Try to accept your thoughts without shame because you didn’t choose them. If you had different parents, you’d have different thoughts ad different behaviors. Much of a child is a set of reactions to parents’ expressions, words and behaviors.

    From what you shared, your boyfriend knows that you definitely need him to be financially responsible, to find work and earn according to his skills. I hope that he moves soon to live with you, and that the two of you operate as one responsible financial unit.

    anita

    #432162
    anita
    Participant

    Two months and 5 days after you posted last, I wonder about you, hope you are well…

    anita

    #433291
    anita
    Participant

    Three months and 5 days since you posted last. I sure hope that you are okay!

    anita

Viewing 6 posts - 31 through 36 (of 36 total)

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