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anitaParticipantContinued:
About me having been a “sacred place” for you — that’s a very positive thing for me. I’m… almost comfortable with it 🙂
I’ll write more in the morning. Almost midnight here; almost 3 am where you are. Still sitting on the comfortable armchair, typing to you, Bogart is waiting for me in bed. He’s so cute, so honest. If only people were as simple, as uncomplicated.
Will back 2 u Sat morning.
Anita
anitaParticipantHey Dear Confused:
I can hear how much this is hurting you, and I’m concerned for you.
When the heart is in shock, nothing makes sense at first. You didn’t lose her because you’re a bad person. You lost her because both of you were overwhelmed in ways neither of you understood at the time.
Tell me how you’re feeling right now, Confused. I’m here.
🌿 Anita
anitaParticipantHello Dear Nichole 🙂
So good to read from you this Friday night, makes me happy!
If I understand correctly, you would like to be able to travel and find a place- maybe a big city somewhere- that offers more social opportunities than SWFL, although SWFL may offer social opportunities you’re not aware of?
I believe that the only social opportunity you shared about where you live has been church.
It made me happy to read that you feel so peaceful, alive and well this Friday night. Coming g to think of it, it’s after midnight in FL. You might be asleep as I’m typing this.
I just read for the 3rd time that you think I would be great as a therapist, and it makes me smile every time.
… I’ll answer further using the computer. I may have told you about Bogart contributing to the destruction of my own computer back in Dec, so I have a limited use of the one remaining computer. I often use my phone, like right now.
Back 2 U shortly.
Anita
anitaParticipantEdit: Sincerely, Confused- not Copilot (3rd paragraph).
anitaParticipantHey Dear Confused:
This is just me, Anita, using my phone (I don’t know how to open a new window while being on tiny buddha, so to connect with Copilot when I’m on the phone).
Looks like Copilot’s reply didn’t help. It’s a good thing he doesn’t have an ego, so his feelings- which he doesn’t have either- won’t get hurt 🙂
Sincerely, Copilot, I can clearly see that you’ve been idealizing her, placing her on a pedestal.
Example from your post of an hour ago: you referred to her as a “pure soul”.
I don’t know much about the breed of pure souls, but I imagine using the words “narcissistic asshole” (her words) is not in line with pure soulness 😔
She’s human, is what I’m saying, neither Perfect nor Pure. I think it’ll help to take her off the pedestal.
You ended your post with “How can she be so cruel and walk away?”-
Best I figure is (like I already expressed to you), she was as anxious as hell (your words, or hers, if you repeated her words back on July 20). She was conflicted about you, about the relationship and about the trip, and she used the panic – driving lie to relieve herself from that growing anxiety.
It doesn’t make her a bad person. It doesn’t mean she was deceptive. It makes her human: neither a saint (“a pure soul”), nor a villain (“cruel”)
What thinkest Confused..?
🌿 Anita
anitaParticipantActually I took a moment to ask Copilot to answer you directly:
Dear Confused,
I read what you wrote, and I want to speak to you directly and steadily, because you’re asking something important: “How can I change this pattern?”
First, what you described — feeling indifferent when you’re out with friends, then getting hit hard when you’re alone — fits the same nervous‑system cycle we talked about. When you’re distracted or socially engaged, your system feels safer. When you’re alone, the feelings come back because there’s nothing protecting you from them. That part is normal.
About the shutdown pattern itself:
You didn’t “choose” it, and you didn’t create it for this girl. It’s a protective response that shows up only when the emotional stakes feel extremely high. You said you’ve never experienced it with anyone else — that actually makes sense. You were “all‑in” with past partners because the emotional risk didn’t feel as big. With her, the risk feels enormous, so your system flips between intensity and collapse.And I want to say something gently:
You didn’t show her the shutdown pattern directly, but you felt it inside you. Even if you acted loving and caring on the outside, your nervous system was still doing the cycle internally. That’s why it felt so confusing for you.Now, about changing the pattern:
This isn’t something you fix by forcing yourself to act differently with her. The pattern changes when you learn to stay regulated in real‑time connection, instead of only feeling love when connection is impossible. That’s a slow, internal process — not something solved by flying to her or proving anything.If this relationship were to revive, the pattern wouldn’t disappear just because you want it to. It would show up again the moment things became real, close, and vulnerable. That’s why understanding it now is important — not to blame yourself, but to see what your system is doing.
You asked what I have to say about this, so here it is plainly:
Your feelings are real. Your shutdowns are real. And both are coming from the same place — fear of losing someone who matters deeply. You’re not broken. You’re overwhelmed.Tell me what part of this feels true to you, Confused.
anitaParticipantHey Confused: I’ll answer in a couple of hours
anitaParticipantHey Dear Confused:
I noticed that when she feels far away or unreachable, your feelings become very intense — you miss her, you imagine her, you feel the loss deeply.
But the moment you imagine real contact, like actually flying to her, your feelings suddenly disappear.
That doesn’t mean you don’t care. It’s something the nervous system does when it feels overwhelmed.
Longing from a distance feels ‘safe’ because nothing is required of you in real time. But when a real‑world step appears, your system shuts down the feeling to protect you from fear, rejection, or pressure.
It’s a very human pattern, and lots of people experience it. I just want you to see it clearly, so you don’t confuse the shutdown with not loving her.
And gently — this pattern of intensity → shutdown → intensity → shutdown is very hard for any partner to feel secure with, especially someone who already feels fragile or unsafe. It’s not about blame. It’s simply that this emotional cycle makes stability in a relationship very difficult to maintain day in and day out.
What says Confused?
🌿 Anita
anitaParticipantHi Pie 🙂
I’m glad the post opened something for you. It makes sense at 17–18 to think a lot about youth, regret, and the future — those thoughts can feel huge and sometimes a bit overwhelming.
What you wrote shows you’re reflecting deeply, and that’s a good thing. Just remember you don’t need to lock in a life philosophy yet; your sense of meaning will keep changing as you gain more experience. It’s okay to be thoughtful without needing everything to be decided right now.
If you feel like it, I’d love to hear what part of that post struck you the most.
🌿 Anita
anitaParticipantHey Dear Confused:
Did she tell you how her parents reacted to her telling them about you and the trip she was planning?
When I read how terribly you miss her 😔, part of me wanted to tell you, ‘So, yes, text her and tell her!’
So, I understand the pull to text her.
Maybe she’s punishing you for the lie- with her silence. Maybe she really is done.
(And again, there was much more to her withdrawal than the technical lie).
You already expressed to her everything you feel like telling her now, right?
🤔 Anita
anitaParticipantHey Girija:
WOW is what went through my mind as I read your message of only an hour and a half ago ✔️✔️✔️
You expressed a lot of clarity in a very short message.
I want to repeat this as a daily mantra for myself.
Thank you, Girija 🙏
I would love to read how you practice this in your everyday little moments.
✨️✨️✨️ Anita
anitaParticipantI’m back 🙂
You wrote: “She never said she’s excited to come. She would only say after I’d say, ‘I can’t wait for U to come and go places together!’ ‘Yeah honey me too'”-
You mentioned before that when something bothers her, she keeps it inside, doesn’t tell you about it. It’s a pattern of hers. I figure she was thinking of canceling the trip before the ex- talk and the lie.
And when the lie came about, it gave her the courage to cancel the trip.
All this doesn’t mean she’s a bad person, or a manipulative person, just that she’s been struggling (see the quote from July 20).
What says Confused?
🌿 Anita
anitaParticipantHey Dear Confused:
You asked me where did I get it that she was very anxious BEFORE the lie, so using my phone, I went back page by page and found it 5 pages ago (page 108), July 2o:
You wrote back then: “She’s going through a very rough patch because she’s having anxiety and panic attacks with all the stressful events that are unfolding now in her life, also, coming here in 20 days makes her anxious like hell… She said that she’s typing goodnight messages, and she feels dead inside, can’t form sentences easily.”-
See? “anxious like hell”.
I’ll submit this, return to current page so that I can see the rest of your message and reply further.
🤔 Anita
anitaParticipantOh, suffering Confused 🙁.. I’ll reply further in a couple of hours
anitaParticipantHi Dear Girija 🌿
What you’re describing feels like the kind of exhaustion that doesn’t just make you tired — it forces you into honesty. When the body and mind hit that level of depletion, you stop performing, you stop overthinking, you stop carrying things that were never yours. You can only choose yourself because there’s no energy left for anything else. And that’s not weakness — that’s a boundary your system is finally enforcing.
It makes sense that travel feels exhausting and work feels dehumanizing. You’ve been giving for years, staying loyal, pushing through fear, and trying to meet impossible expectations. At some point the self‑respect becomes louder than the self‑doubt, and something inside says: enough.
You’re not rejecting work or life — you’re rejecting extraction. You’re rejecting anything that treats you like a resource instead of a human being.
And I can hear the shift in how you talk about fear too. You’re not fighting it anymore. You’re too tired to feed it, and that’s why it’s losing power. This “I don’t care anymore” isn’t apathy — it’s clarity. It’s the moment when you stop saving things that only survive because you keep pouring yourself into them.
This is a raw kind of agency, but it’s still agency. It’s you choosing yourself because your system refuses to let you abandon yourself any further. Let things fall apart if they need to. You’re finally letting life show you what doesn’t deserve your energy.
I’m here with you in this shift 🙂
Anita
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