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anitaParticipantHey Dear Confused 🙂
I am glad to read from you this Monday night, but sorry to read that you are in a bad spot in every area of your life 😔
“I was thinking of trying to end the analyzing/ rumination of my relationship and everything”-
Okay, no more analysis from me.
“Today… I felt weird”- here’s the word again, w.e.i.r.d- not analyzing it. I hope that soon, you will feel Well, not Weird.
“I get this strange feeling like I don’t know ‘what to do’ with her IRL, I guess that’s because we’re mainly online.”-
I don’t think you ever explained things as clearly and as simply as you did right above.
3 days IRL vs.. how long online?
🤔 Anita
August 30, 2026 at 10:08 pm in reply to: When family dynamics you grew up with become unacceptable in adulthood #460743anitaParticipantNea, I’m still smiling 🙂 that I’m replying only eight minutes after your message.
When you wrote that your husband was “sometimes reassured but mostly silenced by yelling,” that really stood out. Yelling isn’t just loud talking — it’s a dominance tactic. It shuts down questions, stops discussion, overrides doubt, forces compliance, and intimidates. Your father wasn’t simply overconfident; he was controlling the situation through intimidation.
When someone raises reasonable doubts and is met with yelling instead of a real conversation, it becomes impossible to think clearly or make a free choice. Yelling doesn’t reassure — it silences. And it makes sense that both you and your husband ended up following his lead even when you weren’t fully comfortable.
You’re seeing this dynamic with a lot of clarity, Nea. I’m here with you as you keep untangling it.
Anita
August 30, 2026 at 8:50 pm in reply to: When family dynamics you grew up with become unacceptable in adulthood #460737anitaParticipantHey 🙂 Nea, so good reading back from you only.. 4 minutes ago.
So, your father over-promised and presented himself as Authority the two of you better Obey, for your benefit? As in, ask me no- questions, just follow?
And after the 2 of U followed him.. nowhere, he blamed your husband.
About the family member being a direct recepient- well.. the phrase “Money talks” comes to mind 😔
Anita
August 30, 2026 at 8:17 pm in reply to: When family dynamics you grew up with become unacceptable in adulthood #460732anitaParticipantGood late Sunday evening, Nea:
I find myself with a two questions this evening, but please, feel free to not answer. I’d like to keep talking with you whether you answers these, or not.
1) You said in your most recent post today, and in your original post, that you and your husband were “led to believe” certain things that didn’t materialize.
Do you mean that your father intentionally misrepresented things in regard to you choosing to rent your place out, and in regard to your husband job opportunity?
2) The other family member who said: ‘If your husband truly cared about you…’ didn’t say ‘if your father…’
Has he or she been a direct or indirect recipient of your father’s “generosity”?
🤔 Anita
anitaParticipantHey Dear Confused 🙂
“I don’t know how to explain it, it’s weird”-
You used the adjective “weird” so many times since Dec.
So, you’re thinking about taking space from the forums here, and from other spaces- of course, Confused..
I don’t think it’s weird at all that you need space 🙂
I’m here for whatever is right for you. I respect your need for space.
🌿 Anita
August 30, 2026 at 3:35 pm in reply to: When family dynamics you grew up with become unacceptable in adulthood #460725anitaParticipantHi Nea 🙂
More later, but for now, about the family member’s advice — it’s emotionally understandable but not valid. Saying “if he truly cares, he should let it go for now” is basically encouraging your husband to abandon his boundaries, swallow his legitimate hurt, and pretend nothing happened. That would be self‑erasure, and it would damage the marriage long‑term.
What you are realizing — and articulating beautifully — is that your anxiety relief cannot come from your husband’s severe emotional sacrifice. It has to come from your own internal grounding, like you said.
Anita
August 30, 2026 at 9:56 am in reply to: When family dynamics you grew up with become unacceptable in adulthood #460720anitaParticipantNea (Aug 29-30): “What you said about the role giving me a sense of control really resonated. I think that is exactly what it was. Growing up in such a volatile environment, trying to smooth things over or bring temporary peace gave me at least the feeling that I could do something… So now that I’m trying not to fall into that same role, I can really feel how much anxiety comes up… I’m just so tired of the entire topic now. It has taken up so much emotional space during a time when I’m only a week postpartum and really should be focused on recovering, my husband, and our baby… I really appreciate the loving-kindness meditation (Roberta) suggested, and I’ll do my best to practice it.”-
Good Sunday morning, Nea 🤍🌿
May I (Anita) be safe.
May I be peaceful.
May I be healthy.
May I live with ease.May you (Nea) be safe.
May you be peaceful.
May you be healthy.
May you live with ease.When you repeat the loving‑kindness meditation (mettā) for yourself, your husband, your daughter, and your father, it isn’t about changing relationships. It’s about changing your internal state — giving your body small moments of real peace.
Real peace is ease that comes from inside the body.
Temporary peace is the relief that comes from ending tension by bending, appeasing, apologizing, or making yourself small so someone else calms down. It feels like peace because the shouting stops and the room quiets, but it’s not safety — it’s just the absence of explosion.
Temporary peace often requires pretending the conflict is “over” or the harm wasn’t that bad.
Mettā doesn’t ask you to pretend. You can say “May I be safe” while fully acknowledging that your father’s behavior is harmful, that your husband is being unfairly targeted, and that the family system is dysfunctional.
Real peace coexists with truth. Temporary peace requires denial.
Your childhood taught: “If I bend, the tension stops.” Mettā teaches: “If I breathe, the tension becomes manageable.”
You’re postpartum, exhausted, and being pulled into a conflict you didn’t create. Mettā gives you a way to feel calm without sacrificing yourself or your husband.
Saying mettā for your father can be therapeutic only if the intention is goodwill from a distance — not responsibility, not appeasement, and not the old reflex of “If I make him peaceful, the danger stops.”
The key is wishing peace for his sake, not to fix the situation and not to protect yourself.“May he be safe. May he be peaceful. May he be healthy. May he live with ease.”- these phrases don’t imply closeness, forgiveness, or reconciliation. They simply express goodwill.
You can picture him far away — at the edge of a field, across a river, or on a distant hill. Not close, not in your space. This keeps your nervous system safe while offering goodwill. Then return to yourself: “May I be safe…” to remind yourself that your wellbeing is not dependent on his behavior.
You are not responsible for his emotions, his peace, preventing explosions, or holding the family together.
Mettā lets you offer goodwill without reenacting the old childhood role.🤍🌿✨ Anita
anitaParticipantI was just thinking about you, Confused, thought of asking how you’re doing but wanted to give you space 🙂
Wait, having empathy for yourself feels like you being a fraud 🤔?
August 29, 2026 at 8:45 pm in reply to: When family dynamics you grew up with become unacceptable in adulthood #460714anitaParticipantNea, it’s so good to read from you this Saturday night 🙂
I wish you nothing but peace — especially now, only a week postpartum, when your whole world should be centered on recovery, your husband, and your baby.
About your father.. what you describe sounds like a pattern where he holds very tightly to his position, and others end up bending around him because he simply won’t. It’s a dynamic that has worked for him over the years, even though it comes at a real emotional cost to you.
I’m so sorry you’re carrying this at a time when you should be surrounded by gentleness.
I’ll write more in the morning.
🌿 Anita
anitaParticipantOmyk 🙂
You’re very welcome. You mentioned Christian asceticism in your reply to Roberta.
In simple language, as I understand it, it means choosing a very simple, disciplined way of living so a person can stay clear‑headed, humble, and focused on what truly matters.
It’s about letting go of excess — excess fear, excess comfort, excess imagination, excess ego — so the heart can stay steady and grounded.
Early Christians saw it as “training the soul,” like learning not to be pushed around by emotions or fantasies. It’s about not letting your inner world run away from reality.
I like that very much.
Applied to your situation, I suppose Christian asceticism would advise you to stay rooted in what is real and present, not in imagined disasters or future catastrophes. It would encourage you to notice the good that is actually happening — the vote of confidence, the new opportunity — without clinging to it or fearing its loss.
It would tell you to act with clarity rather than anxiety, to make decisions from steadiness and to trust that careful, grounded choices matter more than trying to control every possible outcome.
I want my soul trained this way more and more 🙂
Anita
anitaParticipantGood morning, Omyk 🙂
That you felt immediate relief when your position was renewed for a few years is very telling.
It’s unpleasant to not having been appreciated by the individuals with the power to hire or fire you.
But if you were truly appreciated by the people you served, those whose lives you positively touched, then it may make sense to stay in the current position rather than having to relocate and take a financial loss with a new, unfamiliar position.
I wonder in what ways the author of the spiritual teaching you were reading 2 hours ago was speaking directly to you 🤔
🌿 Anita
anitaParticipantHello Figuringitout 🙂
It’s a shock to the system, to lose so much in six months. That’s why it still doesn’t feel real.
There was a peaceful day sometime in February, and then a death, another in March, and in April- your absolute best friend was diagnosed with cancer, and now, she’s gone.
This series of losses, particularly in such a short time, and the anxiety you must have felt during the months of your best friend’s illness, would have destabalized anyone in your place.
“So, yes, time for sadness, but also time for living. That’s what she would have wanted”-
She would have wanted for you to be okay, to live, to get out there.. because she was your absolute best friend, and in a way, she still is ✨️
“I spent so much of my life stressing around work, the house, cleaning, etc., etc., and none of it matters.”-
I would very much like to read your thoughts about what matters 🙂
🌿 Anita
anitaParticipantGood Friday night Confused 🙂
“I said inside my head ‘U must not lose this woman moron'”-
Who is calling the lovable, honest Confused I know, a moron..? 🤬 (how I feel about it)
“Copilot sounds about right, but how does (anxiety) go away?”-
By confronting the part of you saying you’re a “moron”.. somehow.
Empathy for yourself, being on your side, referring to yourself kindly, the way you deserve.
🌿🌿🌿 Anita
August 28, 2026 at 9:04 pm in reply to: When family dynamics you grew up with become unacceptable in adulthood #460691anitaParticipantContinued:
About your 3rd paragraph: So, some well- meaning family members tried to help move your father toward peace with your husband, and your father’s reaction- turn them against your husband.
It makes me angry, and I’m not even there.
4th paragraph: your father succeeded in turning family against your husband and they’re trying to turn you against him (against your husband)?
“What makes me even angrier…” understandably… The injustice, the hypocricy, the complete lack of honest reflection on the part of your father, plus his manipulative behavior- trying to turn family against your husband so to isolated him.
“Money and generosity can’t erase the way someone treats people…”- Financial generosity conditional on the two of you submitting to him in each and every way that fancies him, and to punish you if you don’t..is not generosity.
“Generosity” in this context is a euphenism.
“Money and generosity… shouldn’t create an expectation that the recipient owes emotional submission”-
I read this part after I wrote the above.
Again, transactional generosity is.. not at all generosity.
“The hard part now is learning to tolerate the tension…”-
I’m so sorry, Nea.
You don’t deserve ant of it, nor does your husband.. or your daughter, of course.
Anita
August 28, 2026 at 8:14 pm in reply to: When family dynamics you grew up with become unacceptable in adulthood #460689anitaParticipantGood evening, Nea 🙂
I’m using my phone and just read a bit of your recent message of less than 10 minutes ago.
I’ll quote what I read, respond, and then read the next part, etc
“(The role) gave me a temporary relief… So, now that I’m not doing that- and I also can’t control… “-
I think that the role gave you some sense of control, of having some power, however modest, in the volatile environment you grew up in.
Giving up that sense of control, understandably would leave anyone more anxious.
“Another part of me knows that repeating the same pattern would just bring temporary peace”-
For a child in a volatile home, temporary peace is the best she can get, it makes life bearable, or survivable vs a never- peace scenario.
And what makes it survivable is not necessarily that there’s real peace, or that you have real control- but the feeling of peace, and the feeling, or perception of control.
I’ll continue next
🤔 Anita
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