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anitaParticipantHey 👋 Confused:
“When she mentioned someone hitting on her, I felt my whole body tightening and heat rising”-
Wait, wait.. perhaps she shouldn’t mention guys hitting on her, similar to you not mentioning your exes.. so that you don’t feel “body tightening and hear rising”, and she doesn’t feel “twisting a knife in a wound”.
Yes, I figure you can do a relationship while at times numb, shut down or dissociated. You can accept those no-feeling times and move through them.
There’s a dynamic that’s not at all uncommon for people who on one hand need love, and on the other hand, are afraid that the other person’s love will turn around and bite/ hurt them.
So, they stop feeling to protect themselves.
Do you think this dynamic applies to you?
🤔 Anita
anitaParticipantHello Annie:
You write so honestly, it’s refreshing for me to read.
I am sorry to read that your closest friend is dying 😔
“I do a tug of war between wanting to be alone and needing desperately to be around people”-
I could have written this myself. People, for me, meant Hope on one hand, and Threat, on the other.
Hope for “a sense of warmth and closeness” (your words), but I was scanning, looking for their faults, so to prepare myself for them hurting me, or just disappointing me.
Please let me know if this resonates and we can talk, just two humans, as peers (I wouldn’t want to play therapist with you 🙂).
🌿 Anita
anitaParticipantHey Dear Confused 🙂
Yes, I think it’s black and white thinking, like your therapist said.
No one in the whole wide-wild world feels excited about another person (or about anything) all of the time.
Even in the beginning- you weren’t excited about her when asleep (at least not when you weren’t dreaming about her, ha- ha), or when you were thinking about something else and momentarily forgett about her, etc. Just like anyone else.
The difference is that you started checking and monitoring your feelings and thinking that normal is “weird” (the word you often used in regard to your feelings).
The feeling of faking it- I remember feeling that same thing. It was dissociation in my case, like I left my body and was looking at myself and others from outside of me, disconnected.
I’m glad to read that it’s not impossible or even difficult for you to no longer mention ex-es to her 👍
I hope that she gives CBT a try. It made a big difference in my life!
Oh, she didn’t mean it like that. Well, she definitely expressed strong feelings for you.
“It feels like my romantic ‘compass’ is broken, or something like that.”-
I figure the something-like-that is not just the normal fluctuation of feelings but also the shutdowns/ emotional dissociation we talked about many times.
🌿 Anita
anitaParticipantb back 2 you in a couple of hours or so
anitaParticipantGood Sunday Morning, Confused 🙂
I’m using my phone, scrolling up and down, so I’ll start at the end of your message.
“Videocall was great, I felt jealous… in my whole body, but still now I can’t feel excitement to message her and stuff… 11 hours went by so fast during videocall.”-
It’s how the body normally/ naturally works: it doesn’t stay excited all the time and forevermore. It’s totally normal that after 11 hours of excitement, the body would take a break.
And yes, it makes sense that videocalling is more exciting than texting because of the visual factor.
Wow, Confused, 11 hours of “a great time overall”, laughing and having an honest conversation- that’s powerful! I’m glad both of you had this time together!
..I felt sad reading that every time you narrated a story with an ex, she felt like you were “twisting a knife in a wound”. I hope this imagery is strong enough to stop any future impulsive (ADHD like) story telling that involves an ex.
* If that’s too difficult or impossible for you.. better not tell stories in regard to your past at all. What thinks Confused?
“I expressed my own needs/ issues about her being more expressive”-
Excellent job, Confused 👍 And I’m glad you expressed to her that being interrogated is not working for you (I hope she doesn’t do that again).
* My last message to you was about what’s underneath the habit of a person not expressing themselves (fear- based passivity and childhood conditioning). It may shed some light on how difficult it is to release the fear underneath the passivity. There are ways to work on this conditioning.
“I told her to stop being so afraid of everything and stop making negative scenarios…”-
Although she can’t stop the fear and the beginnings of scenarios forming in her head, she probably can learn to Notice the beginning scenarios and Challenge them (there are CBT workbooks that help to challenge thoughts/ scenarios).
“In the end I asked her how she feels about us and she said: ‘The problem is, I still want you 150% but I’m scared”-
On one hand, her answer makes me go: ohhh, how honest, how human (fear existing alongside want/ love) ✨️✨️✨️
On the other hand, it’s a problem that her answer starts with the word “problem”. She’s basically saying that wanting you is a problem for her.
* If she wants you 150%, what are the percentages of her fear over time? Sometimes more than the wanting (and she becomes cold and withdraws), at other times less than the wanting, and she’s a delight to talk with..?
🤔 Anita
August 22, 2026 at 8:41 pm in reply to: When family dynamics you grew up with become unacceptable in adulthood #460554anitaParticipantThank you, Roberta 🙂
anitaParticipantEdit: the exact saying is “a ship without a helm”, definitely not a sheep 😁
anitaParticipantEdit: (impossible) perfection.
anitaParticipantHi again, SereneWolf:
It’s okay if you don’t feel like answering my 2 questions from my first reply, or if you’re not in the mood for answering any questions at all 🙂
I’d like to share with you my own experience with starting a new chapter, while re-experiencing the same old, same old uncertainties.
Every time I decided on starting a new chapter ( starting as a teenager), I believed that it was possible for me to get rid of the feelings that kept me stuck in the old chapter.
Believing that felt euphoric for a while, but the old feelings returned and I found myself back in the old chapter, more and more discouraged 😔
What finally made it possible for me to move on to a new chapter has been to comit myself not to (impossible) erfection but to (possible) learning.
The last 3 words in your original post are “trust in myself.”-
I used to be consumed with self- doubt (old chapter). But not anymore.
Every single day I repeat the same words (a mantra, I think it is), the ending of it says exactly this:
“I redirect self- doubt and distrust in my own perceptions, evaluations, emotions and worth=> to trust in my own perceptions, evaluations, emotions and worth-
“Not because I’m perfect or could ever be, but because I’m learning.”
If any of this speaks to you, please let me know.
🌿 Anita
anitaParticipantGood Sat Morning, Confused 🌅
Confused: “I feel like I am with a ‘sheep with no will'”- I looked it up: it means a person who doesn’t initiate, doesn’t express preferences, and simply goes along with whatever someone else says.
* This describes 100% the way I used to be.
Confused: “a passive person that expects 100% from me every time… Why would she feel that?… I think it’s fear of rejection that stalls her mostly”-
Fear‑based passivity is when someone avoids initiating, expressing preferences, or showing desire because doing so feels dangerous — not physically, but emotionally.
It develops when a person has learned that speaking up leads to rejection, criticism, or being ignored, so they protect themselves by staying quiet and letting others lead. Over time, this becomes a habit: they wait for the other person to initiate so they never have to risk being rejected.
Habits are hard to break, (and deep childhood conditioning is even harder to break- see below), this is why she briefly tried to be more active and then slipped back into avoidant passivity once fear resurfaced.
By avoidant passivity, I mean trying to avoid rejection, criticism, being judged, or conflict.
This kind of passivity almost always starts in childhood, and not because the child is naturally quiet, but because the environment teaches them that expressing themselves is unsafe. If a child’s preferences were dismissed, or if showing desire brought conflict, they develop fear‑based passivity as a survival strategy.
By adulthood, it looks like “old‑fashioned values” — but underneath, it’s the same childhood pattern of avoiding vulnerability.
Childhood conditioning toward passivity means the child learns, over many years, that not acting is safer than acting — and that silence protects them better than expression.
* For me, Confused, this explains things better than anything else:
When someone grows up with childhood conditioning toward passivity, they learn to hold in their feelings, needs, and frustrations because expressing them feels unsafe. But holding things in doesn’t make the feelings disappear — it makes them accumulate. Over time, the pressure builds until it bursts out in a sudden, disproportionate emotional reaction. That’s why a person who is normally quiet, deferential, or conflict‑avoidant can suddenly erupt with rage, harsh labels, or extreme statements like calling you a “narcissistic ass****.” The explosions are the release of months or years of unspoken fear, insecurity, and resentment.
The passivity protects her until she feels overwhelmed, and then the emotional system flips into fight‑mode because she has no middle ground.
What thinks Confused?
🤔 Anita
anitaParticipantOne more thing, SereneWolf:
I want to say that I see you’re starting fresh, and I respect that. Sometimes clearing the slate makes it easier to hear yourself without all the old noise.
I’m glad you’re here.
Anita
anitaParticipantWelcome back, SereneWolf 🙂
I thought you might be coming back as SWolf 🙂
I think that what you need here, in tiny buddha, is less analysis and more emotional presence: someone (or someones) to truly listen.
I can’t think of a more worthy quest than to live with less fear and more trust in oneself.
I wonder, how does the fear feel in your body?
And moments of trust in yourself, how do those feel?
🤔 Anita
anitaParticipantContinued:
Hmm.. maybe she thinks that a man should pursue the woman and pay for everything?
Maybe she feels ‘unloved’ if she has to spend money in a relationship.
What do U think?
(Trying to understand what drives.. or stalls her).
🤔 Anita
anitaParticipantHey Dear Confused 🙂
“The first thing I’m gonna clarify before we begin talking… is that I’m not here to prove myself innocent, we’re here to open up about what bothered us and feel heard”- 👍👍👍
Sincerely, Confused, I am impressed with you!
.. I’ll b Back in a moment
August 21, 2026 at 11:35 am in reply to: When family dynamics you grew up with become unacceptable in adulthood #460531anitaParticipantGood late morning, about-to-become-mom, Nea 🙂
“I’m realizing how difficult it has become for me to be extending empathy for someone who has never really changed”-
A few years ago, and I shared about it somewhere in these forums, I had an image of a plant situated in a dry, arid ground, so its roots keep growing longer and longer, trying to reach water.
Similar to a child, situated in an empathy-arid home, extending more and more empathy toward the unempathetic parent, trying to reach his or her heart.
💛 Anita
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