I’m having the biggest smile on my face..

Sleipnir, what you’re describing sounds indeed like survivor’s guilt.

The fact that the facility stayed open and continued hurting people doesn’t mean you failed them. You were a victim there too. You weren’t in a position of power. You weren’t running the facility. You weren’t the one making decisions that allowed the abuse to continue.

Survivor’s guilt often asks impossible questions: “Why did I get out when others didn’t?” “Why didn’t I do more?” “Could I have stopped it?”

But sometimes we’re holding ourselves responsible for events that were never ours to control.

The question is not “Could a perfect person have stopped this?” The question is “What could you, Sleipnir, in the position you were actually in, reasonably have done?”

The fact that you still care about the people who suffered after you left speaks well of your character. It shows compassion, not guilt-worthiness.

Maybe the goal isn’t to force yourself to forgive or forget. Maybe it’s to slowly separate what happened from what was actually your responsibility. Grieving for those who were harmed is understandable. Holding yourself accountable for crimes committed by others is not.

You survived something terrible. Survival isn’t a debt you owe.

If part of your pain comes from feeling that nothing was ever done, it may be worth asking whether there is anything realistic you can do now. Not because you owe it to anyone, and not because you’re responsible for what happened, but because taking action can sometimes help a person feel aligned with their values. Whether that’s sharing your story, supporting other survivors, speaking with an advocate, or simply bearing witness to what happened-

Those are choices you can make if and when you feel ready. But please don’t confuse having the option to act today with being responsible for what happened back then.

Anita

Dear Robi:

Yes, I did sleep well (didn’t notice until you asked 🙂).

My goodness, Robi- her telling you 20 years ago that she got cancer because of your bad grades and disobedience..

Did she survive the disease because your grades improved and you became obedient?

I mean, did she credit you for her surviving it, or just debited you for the disease itself (I think I know the answer, but please feel free to correct me if I’m overly confident).

How unfair, how cruel, really, it was to blame you!

Fast forward 20 years, they are talking out loud (so that you can hear them), saying how they’ll die soon because of you..

Part of me just said: ‘not soon enough’

I’m not fully supportive of the part that said the above, but I empathize with that part. No wonder it reacted like that. It wants their abuse of you to stop!

My mother threatened to commit suicide when she was 25. Fast forward SIXTY years, guess who is still alive..?

Yes, like you said, it’s a “manipulative game”.

The new job idea- sounds like talking to vulnerable people into buying something. Not presenting to them various options objectively (as a public service). Sounds like sales/ marketing.

I didn’t respond to everything you wrote and I want to do that by tonight. If you want to respond/ add anything by then, please do.

Anita

You are welcome, Sleipnir. Anytime you want to talk more about what you brought up in this thread, you can post here again 🙂

Anita

(Obviously not done for this Fri night)..

I reread through what I wrote to you tonight:

I wrote, “What caught my eye this evening as I read through your original post is that after she brutally beat you, she cried and apologized.”-

I figure that for a moment, she knew she was hurting you.. but immediately, she switched to her own hurt. And there she stalled: HER hurt returned to be her Focus…

A momentary recognition of Robi’s hurt- in her mind- quickly dissipated and was no longer there-

This sick and sickening self-centeredness.. Nothing you could have ever fixed, or could ever fix.

I better go to bed.. early, 35 min to midnight.

Anita

Continued:

Here it is, in your original post: “I felt alone and caged”, and “I was already blocked and suppressed so I must’ve disconnected from myself” (Feb 18, 2024)

Oct 2, 2026: “it’s almost shocking to me.. to remember how caged I actually felt every single day.”- shocking now, because you’re unblocking and reconnecting to yourself.. thawing that Freeze response.

What I just did was to quote your original post and your most recent (2 years and 8 months later), asking Copilot (AI) to analyze them and tell me about the kind of “parenting” you received (I did not at all volunteer my thoughts).

Copilot: “Looking at both posts together, what strikes me most is not that Robi’s understanding has changed, but that it has deepened. In 2024, he already knew that something was wrong in his childhood.

He could list the facts: being hit, being threatened with abandonment, having no privacy, spending endless hours waiting at his parents’ workplace, being forced into situations he hated, feeling unseen and disconnected. He understood intellectually that these experiences affected his adult life.

But in his recent post, he seems to be reaching something more emotional and personal: “I didn’t actually like being with my parents.” That sounds simple, but it is a profound realization for many adult children from troubled homes.

Most children naturally want closeness with their parents. When that doesn’t happen, children often assume something is wrong with them.

Instead of concluding: “My home wasn’t emotionally safe,” they conclude: “I’m ungrateful.” “I’m difficult.” “I’m bad.”

Robi seems to be recognizing that he genuinely did not feel safe, comfortable, or happy around his parents. He didn’t miss going home because home wasn’t a place of comfort for him.

His parents’ parenting- Reading his descriptions, his parents come across as parents who consistently prioritized their own needs, routines, and comfort over their child’s emotional needs.

Some examples: They gave him very little privacy. They ignored his repeated requests not to spend months at the lake house. They left him waiting for hours at their workplace. They responded to school difficulties with punishment rather than curiosity. His mother physically abused him. They threatened abandonment. They labeled him negatively (“bad apple”).

The common thread is that they appeared unable or unwilling to see the world from his perspective. The message he seems to have received was: “You need to adapt to us.” “Your feelings aren’t important.” “Our needs come first.”

A child can survive that, but it comes at a cost.

How he adapted- Children usually cannot leave. They adapt. Robi seems to have developed several adaptations:

* Attention-seeking and clowning- If emotional connection isn’t freely given, a child may learn to perform for attention. He describes creating a persona: “a clown that would do anything for little attention” That sounds less like immaturity and more like a child trying to get noticed.

* Disconnection from himself- He repeatedly talks about suppressing his feelings. He learned: Don’t complain. Don’t need too much. Don’t be yourself. That often leads to adults who struggle to know what they want.

* Escapism through computers- The computer became a refuge. Not because he was lazy. Because it offered things he wasn’t getting elsewhere: freedom, privacy, stimulation, control, escape

* Self-blame- This may be the most important theme in the recent post. Instead of concluding: “My parents were hurting me,” he concluded: “Maybe I’m the problem.”

When children are dependent on their parents, blaming themselves can feel psychologically safer than recognizing that their caregivers are failing them.

The sentence that stands out most to me is: “The thing is I somehow forgot how bad things actually were.” I don’t think he literally forgot. I think he normalized it.

Children adapt to whatever environment they grow up in. What feels shocking to an outsider often feels ordinary to the child living it.

Now, as an adult, he’s looking at those experiences with fresh eyes and realizing: “Wait… that wasn’t normal.” “That wasn’t okay.” “No wonder I felt trapped.” “No wonder I wanted to escape.” “My body doesn’t lie to me”

I think this is one of the healthiest insights in the recent post.

For a long time, he seems to have been asking: “Why do I dislike them?”, “Why am I tense around them?”, “Am I just ungrateful?” Now he’s considering another possibility: “Maybe my reactions make sense.” It means his nervous system may be responding to real experiences that shaped him.

In simple terms, Robi seems to be moving from: “Something is wrong with me because I don’t feel close to my parents.” to: “Maybe I don’t feel close to my parents because my childhood was painful.”

That’s a very important shift. It moves the focus away from self-blame and toward a more honest understanding of what he actually lived through. And judging from both posts, that may be the deepest piece of work he is doing right now.”

Back to me talking: I’m amazed how very, very, very.. very self-centered some parents are (yours, mine)- in their brains (I’m hitting the keyboard hard because I’m angry!) there’s only them, their distress, their inner trouble.. and their child.. simply doesn’t exist. And this, seems to me, what’s so common in the “parenting” I received and that which you received (30 years later)..

There was no me in her world; there’s no you in their world.

It’s not at all parenting. It’s emotionally 3-year-old “parents” having no idea what the hell they’re doing.

😠 😡 😤 🤬 Anita (I’m okay, hope you’re okay too?)