Good evening, Nea 🙂

I’m using my phone and just read a bit of your recent message of less than 10 minutes ago.

I’ll quote what I read, respond, and then read the next part, etc

“(The role) gave me a temporary relief… So, now that I’m not doing that- and I also can’t control… “-

I think that the role gave you some sense of control, of having some power, however modest, in the volatile environment you grew up in.

Giving up that sense of control, understandably would leave anyone more anxious.

“Another part of me knows that repeating the same pattern would just bring temporary peace”-

For a child in a volatile home, temporary peace is the best she can get, it makes life bearable, or survivable vs a never- peace scenario.

And what makes it survivable is not necessarily that there’s real peace, or that you have real control- but the feeling of peace, and the feeling, or perception of control.

I’ll continue next

🤔 Anita

Good evening, Omyk:

As I read you most recent post, the thought that occurred to me was that you come across so very rational, intelligent, cautious, very responsible, conscientious..

Let me place the adjectives right above in alphabetical order: Cautious, Conscientious, Intelligent, Responsible.. very responsible.

I’m not surprised the old employer didn’t let you go. I wish they didn’t threaten to do so for THREE years!

A bit of my anger in the “THREE years!” above, and I’m not even you 🙂

Did you, do you feel angry about that continuous threat to be let go?

“Orchestrating the future is hard work.”-

And the present gets postponed in sake of the future 🤔

I am 20 years or so older than you, Omyk. There’s a relief in there being less future than past.

🌿 Anita

You are welcome, Nea ❤️

Talking to you is helping me too, so thank you!

“My mind still wonders ahead sometimes… and I notice this weird anxiety come up… I’ve always been the person who eventually tried to restore the peace. Even when I’ve felt that I had to bow down a little… Let’s just move on”-

I think that the role of peace restorer, the one who bows down and moves on (without real resolution), gave you a sense of temporary comfort, a release of tension- in between crises- over the years, maybe decades..?

The “weird anxiety” may simply be about this long- term role suddenly not being exercised, and the temporary relief not being there.

What do you think?

About your father helping you and your husband financially- keep in mind, if you will- the bigger picture: he has helped many, if I remember correctly, friends and strangers alike, and that doing so is part of his social image- management.

I am not saying you (and all the recipients of his financial generosity) should be ungrateful for it. I’m just saying, see it in context of the big picture which includes his motivations, and his return-on-investment expectations.

Looking forward to your thoughts before responding further to the anxiety part.

🌿 Anita

Hey Dear Confused:

“Well then, I either have had anxiety my whole life or ADHD, both are bad ha-ha.”- that’s the cute, lovable “ha-ha” Confused 🙂

“Oh, so u mean that my shutdown is my prison and those feelings are moments that my shutdown lifts?”- yes, exactly!

“Also, something weird that started happening lately, when I ride on long roads that are downhill and maybe with some curves, I get so frozen/paralyzed at some points, like when u drop from a high altitude, the same kind of feeling! Gemini says because of my mental state but idk, what would Copilot say, I wonder?”-

No need to wonder for too long. Copilot’s answer: “Confused is describing something that sounds much more like anxiety in motion than ADHD… ADHD doesn’t cause sudden paralysis or altitude‑drop sensations; anxiety does, especially when someone already has mind‑chatter, self‑monitoring, and sensory overload. So, the simplest, most accurate reading is: he might have ADHD traits, but what he’s describing here is clearly an anxious freeze, not an ADHD symptom.”

What says Confused about what Copilot says?

🤔 Anita

Good late evening/ night, Confused:

Using my phone, I read one part of your post, respond, then read the next part, respond, and so on.

Glad you felt better during the day as well 🙂

Reversed psychology 🤔, yes, sounds right.

So, for a month you struggled with that other girl’s breakup, and then “the flip switched overnight”-

A disconnect-within/ shutdown as a solution to a month- long struggle? 🤔

“Still my mind would be: ‘are you laughing for real or are U faking it?’-

The cost of the disconnect-within/ shutdown solution.

All those real moments, real feelings (“the kiss, the hug… hugging the air… and crying, saying ‘I love you'”) are escaping prison (disconnect, shutdown and enjoying temporary freedom 🥳 🎶

.. “t-rex arm”- I wonder what that means, a fidgeting arm? I’ll look it up when I’m back to the computer and I will ask you know whom about the “ADHD thing”-

Well, I’ll b Back 2 U when I’m on the 🖥

Anita

* to stop hoping

Oh, and yes, to be present means to listen instead of, for example, planning what to say next while she’s still talking to you (I used to do a lot of that 😔)-

To give her the unique emotionally safe space- within conversations with you- to explore what she’s thinking, what she’s feeling, to interpret her own motivations, her own life story- without you jumping ahead of her and telling her what she’s thinking, feeling, what motivates her and what it all means (I used to do a lot of that, here, in these forums 😔).

To ask gentle questions, to suggest a bit of this, a bit of that, and to ask her if it resonates before saying too much; to listen patiently, to put aside your own mind chatter so to fully hear what she’s saying.

To do this for each other. Wouldn’t that be wonderful?

🌿 Anita