Hi Nea:

I just want to say how much I appreciate the empathy, grace, and emotional maturity in your message. You’re holding such a complicated truth with so much clarity — seeing your father’s harmful patterns while still acknowledging the love you feel. That takes strength.

When you wrote, “I find myself wondering how someone can love their family and yet behave in ways that hurt them,” it struck me deeply. I asked myself that same question for years.

For a long time, I held onto a loving image of my mother because the real version of her was too frightening to face. Over time, my understanding shifted. I realized she had moments of affection, but they were tied to my compliance — not to seeing me as a separate person with my own worth. When she sensed even small signs of independence, she became aggressive and hurtful again.

It took me a long time to understand that love mixed with harm is not the kind of love that nurtures a child. And it took even longer to let myself see that clearly.

I’ll write more soon, but I wanted to share this part with you now.

Anita

Hi again, Nea:

I want to clarify what I meant when I wrote that my mother’s affection was tied to my compliance.

I didn’t mean that she wanted me to comply to behaving in ways that are respectful to other people/ to my elders, or to obeying instructions such as help with cleaning the home and such.

I mean she wanted me to submit to her power for no other reason than that it made her feel better to exert power over me and see me controlled, subdued and self-erasing.

It made her feel temporarily powerful ( and that felt good!). I say temporarily, because she needed to assert her power- at my expense- again and again.

So, her love for me, in practice, was love for how my submission and self-erasure made her feel.

I can share more, but I don’t want to maybe overwhelm you. I shared what I did so to explain the “how and why” behind my mother’s behavior,

Thinking that maybe it might help you just a bit in the struggle you mentioned: “Another part of me is still struggling to truly understand the why and how behind (your father’s behaviours)”.

I understand, of course, that your father and my mother are not the same person and that my childhood experience is not the same as yours. Yet certain patterns and human motivation are quite the same across the world from the beginning of times.

🌿 Anita

Hi Nea:

I read your message slowly, one part at a time, because I wanted to stay close to what you were actually saying.

When people focus on what your husband “should have done differently,” it often comes from a place of trying to manage the aggressor instead of looking at the disproportionate reaction itself. You’re right — the escalation wasn’t about the small thing it started with, and reducing everything to your husband’s behavior doesn’t capture the full picture.

About asking him to say hi “to keep the peace”: I understand why you hoped that might help, but I also understand why you changed your mind. When someone is still angry, self‑righteous, and showing hostility — like the faces you noticed — asking your husband to extend himself again puts the weight on him, not on your dad. You saw that clearly, and your question — “what exactly am I asking my husband to do?” — shows a lot of insight.

If your husband is choosing not to engage because he wants peace, and your dad is continuing the hostility, then you’re right: it isn’t fair or sustainable for your husband to be the only one trying. You’re thinking about the future realistically — gatherings, holidays, the baby — and you’re already recognizing that you can’t build a life where your husband is excluded or expected to absorb disrespect.

About my mother — I mentioned earlier that she repeatedly reached out to hit me. One incident stays with me (and I told you about it): I was in my early or mid‑20s, and even though we were only a few feet apart, she ran toward me to strike me. Before that moment, for years, my reaction had always been the same: silence, looking down, staying small. She even said once, while hitting me, “The only thing I like about you is that you say nothing back and look at the floor.” That pattern went on for a long time.

And then, there was that one time when I finally blocked her from moving toward me. It didn’t feel like a victory — it felt strange and disappointing, because I suddenly realized how easily I could have stopped her all along. That moment changed how I understood fear, compliance, and the way some people maintain control. Some people do become physically dangerous in rage — we see that in the news — but far more often, people rely on the threat of violence, the atmosphere of intimidation, to keep others small.

I’m sharing this only because you said you’re trying to understand the “why and how” behind your father’s behavior. Your situation is your own, and your father is his own person — but sometimes seeing another example helps clarify the structure of a pattern.

I’m here, and I’ll share more if and when it feels useful to you.

🌿 Anita

Hey Nea:

You are welcome, and thank you 🙂

You wrote: “If my family wants to sit downstairs together, watch something, or do something as a family…”

I was imagining what it would look like if you asked your family (not including your husband) to sit downstairs with you, and you told them — in your own words from your message to me:

“Family and staying connected are such a huge part of how I was raised. I’m extremely pregnant, about to become a mom myself, and being at my parents’ home during this stage should feel like a blessing and a place of support. Instead, I feel like I’m managing tension, moods, and trying to make sure my husband doesn’t feel pushed out. It’s exhausting and honestly really sad.”

And then adding something like: “Can you help me feel better, safer, calmer as I’m nearing giving birth?”

That would be a reasonable idea for a reasonable family. But in families with intimidation dynamics, something that looks like a “meeting” can feel confrontational or escalate tension. Your father may interpret it as a challenge to his authority, an accusation, or an opportunity to lecture or blame. You’d be exposing your vulnerability in front of someone who historically does not respond with empathy — and in front of others who won’t challenge him, however gently.

A safer version might be gathering the family minus your dad first and telling them: ‘I’m pregnant, I’m tired, and I need support. I don’t want tension in the house. I need us to find a way to make things calmer.’ Then asking: ‘Can you help me with this?’

What do you think their answer would be?

Anita

Hey Dear Nea:

What you’re describing is a long‑standing family pattern, not a one‑time situation. Your dad has never handled conflict through conversation or accountability, and your mom and sister have learned to survive by keeping the peace. So, when you say their answer would be to “avoid more conflict,” that makes complete sense — they’re responding the way they’ve always had to.

The hot‑and‑cold behavior you’re getting from your father is also part of that same pattern. He softens when he remembers you’re pregnant, then becomes cold again when he feels you didn’t follow the script he expects. That unpredictability is exhausting for anyone, but especially for someone who’s about to give birth and needs stability, calm, and emotional safety.

Given all of this, I think the most realistic and self‑protective path for you right now isn’t trying to change the family dynamic — it’s creating a small, steady bubble of calm inside it. Your sister sounds like someone who can help you with that. Your mom may not be able to challenge your dad, but she does care about you and can support you in quieter ways. Leaning on them for emotional steadiness, even if they can’t intervene directly, might be the most helpful thing available in this environment.

And for your father, the safest approach may be exactly what you’re already doing: keeping gentle distance, not escalating, and not apologizing for something you didn’t do. You’re not abandoning your family — you’re protecting your mental and emotional health during a vulnerable time.

You’re navigating this with so much clarity, Nea, even inside a very difficult system. I’m here with you as you figure out the next steps.

Anita