I’m 35 weeks pregnant and currently living with my parents temporarily with my husband. There is quite a bit of background as to why we’re here.

We actually owned our own place and were living independently. My family had discussed a plan involving another property and we were led to believe that would become our next housing situation, so based partly on those assurances we rented our own place out. That plan ultimately didn’t materialize the way we had been told it would. By that point our home already had tenants, so we ended up living with my parents much longer than I originally wanted or felt comfortable with, almost one year. We are now trying to move back into our own home as soon as possible and have already given our tenants notice.

This also overlapped with my dad involving my husband in one of his businesses. From about 1.5 year, my husband was repeatedly told that certain opportunities and work were going to materialize and that there would be a future for him there. But there was very little clarity, and whenever my husband tried to ask reasonable questions about timelines, finances, responsibilities, or what exactly he was supposed to be doing, my dad often responded with some version of “just do what I’m telling you” rather than having an open discussion.

Eventually it became apparent that the business arrangement wasn’t going to provide what had originally been discussed. I encouraged my husband to look elsewhere because I had actually been apprehensive about him becoming financially dependent on my family’s business in the first place. He eventually found another job and moved on, but I think that whole experience changed the dynamic between him and my dad. There was never really an honest conversation acknowledging what happened.

My husband and dad previously had a genuinely close relationship. My husband lost his parents when he was around 15, so I think some of the parental/fatherly things my dad did with and for him were particularly meaningful.

At the same time, there is a much darker history in my own family that my husband knew about but had never really witnessed firsthand.

Growing up, there was serious domestic violence in my home. I witnessed significant physical violence between my parents, and there were times when I was trying to guard doors or intervene because things were getting out of control. I also experienced physical and verbal abuse myself which continued into young adulthood, with the last incident happening in my mid-20s, and there have been verbal incidents since. I am 31 now.

My dad has always had a particular pattern when he feels disrespected or challenged. Something relatively small can suddenly become enormous. He becomes extremely angry, raises his voice, can become intimidating, and historically has sometimes become physical. Afterwards, accountability has generally been difficult. The explanation is usually along the lines of “don’t push me to that point” rather than acknowledging that regardless of what another person says, violence or intimidation is not an acceptable response.

For years, my coping mechanism was to eventually approach him, apologize, try to understand what I had done wrong, or restore the relationship even when I didn’t actually believe I had done anything serious. Things would go back to normal without the underlying incident really being repaired. As I’ve gotten older, and particularly during this pregnancy, I’ve become much less willing to do that.

A few days ago, everything finally exploded between my dad and husband over something extremely minor.

My husband was trying to protect me in a situation related to my pregnancy and wellbeing. He made a fairly simple comment that was meant to prioritize me and the baby. My dad took offense to the way he said it and responded as though my husband was overstepping or telling him how to care for his own daughter.

My husband tried to clarify what he meant, and my dad then told him to stop talking and that enough was enough. My husband became defensive and said he wasn’t going to stop talking simply because my dad ordered him to.

From there, it escalated enormously. My dad started swearing, calling him names, repeatedly emphasizing “under my roof,” and physically advancing/charging toward him.

My husband also continued engaging verbally when he absolutely could have walked away sooner. I have told him that directly. He has a very hard time disengaging when someone is trying to intimidate him because he interprets walking away as allowing someone to silence him through aggression.

However, he did not hit my dad or become physically violent toward him, and I personally do not see continuing an argument as equivalent to escalating into physical intimidation.

My husband’s position afterward has been that he does not need my dad to apologize or even admit that my husband was right. He wants acknowledgment that adults can disagree without someone becoming physically intimidating simply because they refuse to stop talking when told.

My dad’s position appears to be that he is older, felt disrespected, told my husband to stop, and my husband should have stopped. He has basically said he is not changing at his age and nobody needs to convince him otherwise.

Historically, I would probably have eventually gone to him myself and tried to repair things. This time I don’t want to. I’m not deliberately giving him the silent treatment or trying to punish him. I just feel like I’m about to become a mother myself, and I cannot keep being the person who repairs every rupture when someone else refuses to take any accountability.

I’m just exhausted. I love my parents, and there have absolutely been good things in our family. My dad has been financially generous and has helped us significantly. But I’m starting to realize that gratitude for what someone has done does not mean tolerating aggression or continually being responsible for repairing the relationship afterward.

I’m trying to figure out how to move forward when I don’t want to cut my parents off, but I also don’t want to sacrifice my husband’s dignity or my own peace just to maintain the appearance that everything is fine. For now, we are hoping to move back into our own place as soon as we legally can and create some physical space from the situation.

Has anyone else had to change their relationship with a parent once they got married or had children because family dynamics you learned to tolerate growing up became unacceptable once they started affecting your spouse and your own child?

Thank you for any response!
Nea