Dear Anita,

Looking forward to reading more from you so I can respond fully\. I just wanted to add some context about the initial incident, as it keeps being framed as though my dad and husband were equally at fault\.

The initial topic was very small, but my dad was clearly carrying built\-up anger, which quickly came through in the way he reacted\. He initiated the verbal abuse and was visibly angry and aggressive\. My husband did not de\-escalate and responded with, “Are you going to hit me?” and “Come hit me then\.” They both moved toward each other, and we stepped in before anything became physical\.

Because my husband didn’t back down, the expectation is now that he should apologize or at least say “hi” because my dad is older\. I don’t fully agree with that framing\. I can acknowledge that my husband escalated the situation, but my dad initiated it, and this kind of behaviour from him is not new\.

Just wanted to add that context\.

Nea

Good morning Anita!

I do understand what you’re saying, especially about how the pressure can end up being placed on the person who is actually capable of being flexible, rather than on the person who is unlikely to change. I think that is part of what has been happening here.

With the “hi” specifically, though, I don’t think my husband is necessarily afraid that my dad won’t respond or that it will start some process of submission. Earlier on, he actually seemed a little more open to simply saying hi and leaving it at that. But as time has gone on, he has become more rigid about it. Now he says, “He can say hi to me first. I’m not going to say hi first.”

His bigger issue is that he feels that if we are ever going to genuinely move past this, there eventually needs to be some kind of conversation about what happened. He has said to me that yes, I was saying things during the argument and yes, he could have disengaged sooner, but that still didn’t make it okay for my dad to verbally abuse him and come charging toward him the way he did. He doesn’t want to behave as though that was acceptable or just sweep everything under the rug.

There are also little things from over the years that he has started thinking about differently now — comments here and there, and things he later found out had been said about him to other family members. So I think this incident has made him reassess some things beyond just that one argument.

Where my anxiety comes in is what this means practically for our family going forward. Right now we live here, but once we move out, my parents’ view is basically that if we are coming to visit their home, my husband should at least be able to say hello to my dad. And culturally, because my dad is older, there is also this expectation that saying hello is such a basic sign of respect that it shouldn’t diminish anyone.

And intellectually I know the obvious response to that is that the same standard should apply to my dad — he can also say hello. I agree. The problem is that I also know he probably won’t. And that is where I feel stuck. If neither one of them will say anything first, what does coming over as a family even look like? Can we ever have a relatively normal visit?

So I don’t think I’m anxious because I need to keep pressuring my husband into submission. I think I’m anxious because I’m looking ahead and trying to understand how any kind of neutral family space can exist if both of them stay completely rigid. At the same time, I can see what you’re pointing out: because I know my dad is so difficult to move, I keep looking toward my husband for the tiny bit of flexibility that might make things easier. And perhaps that itself is part of the pattern I need to become more aware of.

I’m still processing what you said about their relationship before all of this. I’m not sure I can fully conclude that it was performative on my dad’s side, because there were things that did seem genuine to me, but I can understand why, knowing everything else I’ve described about him, you would question how much of that closeness was actually based on mutual connection versus the role my dad liked occupying.

Nea

Hi Alessa,

Thank you so much for sharing that, and for your kind words. It really is such a tough situation.

I was genuinely heartbroken when my husband said that. I’ve tried to understand that it came from exhaustion with the topic, along with all the other stress we’ve both been under lately, but at the same time, it just wasn’t something I needed to hear — especially right now. He did acknowledge that and apologize, but he also asked me to give the topic some breathing space, which I honestly find really hard to do when I’m still living here and my anxiety keeps bringing me back to it.

I’m also really sorry to hear that you’ve experienced something similar in your own family. You absolutely don’t have to share anything you’re not comfortable with, but I’d be curious to know what helped you cope with it. When it’s your own family on one side and your husband on the other, it can feel like such an impossible position to be in.

I think that’s what I’m struggling with most — how do you step outside of all the emotion, look at the situation as neutrally as possible, and know what the right call actually is?

Nea

Dear Anita, it’s been a really heavy last few days. Between recovering from birth, a few health things that came up, and the sleep deprivation, I’ve been struggling a bit. Luckily health-wise everything is much better now, and it’s really just the lack of sleep that’s been difficult.

I also feel like the family situation is starting to take a toll on my marriage. I know my anxiety plays a part because I keep bringing up what happened with my husband or trying to figure out how to make the family dynamics okay again. We’re also still living in the same house, although thankfully we move out in a few weeks. I think part of me keeps wanting everything to go back to how it was, while also knowing that for a while it just may not be the same.

I don’t need my husband to apologize, but he’s made it clear that unless my dad apologizes, he doesn’t see himself having a relationship with him. He’s said he’ll always be civil, come to family gatherings and holidays, etc., but he doesn’t want to actually talk to him. I also feel like his relationship with my mom and sister has changed a bit because of everything. He’s still respectful and kind, but I don’t know if he can be the same with them right now either.

Because I keep bringing everything up, and we’re both so exhausted, today he said that if I keep bringing this up all the time, we may need to separate because he can’t take it anymore. I was incredibly hurt and angry hearing that. Later he clarified that he doesn’t want to separate and that he loves me and our daughter so much — he meant that having this particular issue brought into our marriage every day is becoming too much for him.

I can understand what he means, especially with how exhausted we both are, but hearing the word “separate” really scared and hurt me. He keeps saying that once we move out and have our own space, hopefully time and distance will help things settle naturally. I really hope he’s right, but right now I just feel nervous and scared about everything and I’m not sure how to stop myself from constantly trying to fix the family situation.

I am thinking of you extra today and hope you’re doing well. ❤️

Nea

Hi Anita!

I really enjoyed reading about your social life, especially how full and exciting it was for so many years. Four evenings a week or more is quite the social life! And I’m sorry to hear that those places closed, especially when they had become such a regular part of your life and one of them was somewhere you were going every day.

I’m glad you still have the dog park and the outdoor music events though. The dancing part made me smile! 😊 It sounds like those last two events were really lovely, and hopefully you get to enjoy the next one too before the season ends.

Also, sorry for the late reply. These days the sleep deprivation has been really bad with the little one cluster feeding, so I’m up for most of the night. It’s a lot some days, but I keep reminding myself that it’s temporary and she is going to grow up so fast. I know one day I’ll probably look back and wonder where this tiny newborn stage went.

And triangulation is actually a very true observation. I hadn’t really put that word to it, but the way you described it makes a lot of sense. My dad isn’t really confronting my husband directly anymore, but the feelings are still very much there and come out indirectly through other people.

Lately, he also has barely acknowledged my baby at all, which I find really sad. He does work very late, but even when he is home or on the weekends, he doesn’t really bother much with her. He has indirectly said things to my mom about it being because she is “so small,” but I also think having my husband here again and simply having to coexist with him is too much for my dad, I suppose. It’s sad that all of these feelings are spilling over into what should otherwise be such a happy time.

But we are moving soon!! Actually, early October now, so the “Whole Outside World” is getting much closer! I think getting back into our own space and having some physical distance from everything happening inside this house is going to be really good for all of us.

Nea

Good morning Anita!

Thank you for sharing all of that.

It’s really interesting what you brought up about how some people can be so unwilling to look within or tolerate being questioned at all. I think that is something I have to keep in mind with my dad. A lot of what he seems to stand on is, “I’m older, I’ve done these things financially, I’ve provided, so how dare you question me?” And I think that’s where the problem is. Being older or having done a lot for your family doesn’t mean that everything you say or do is automatically okay, or that nobody is allowed to challenge you.

With my mom, I do think there is some truth to what you said as well. My dad somehow has a way of presenting situations so strongly from his own perspective that the other person starts looking like the bad one. I’ve seen my mom get pulled into that. Instead of looking at a situation independently and judging what actually happened, she can start absorbing his interpretation of it, and then suddenly everything the other person did is viewed negatively too. I don’t necessarily think she starts there, but she can get talked into seeing things through his lens.

At this point, though, I think my biggest focus needs to be separating myself emotionally from all of this and putting my energy into my own little family unit. I’ve spent so much time trying to understand why he behaves the way he does, why my mom reacts the way she does, what could have been different, what everything means, etc.

And I think I’m realizing that understanding something can be useful, but there eventually comes a point where you have to ask: how much more can I actually do with that understanding? I can understand the dynamic more clearly, but I can’t make another person reflect, change, apologize, or see things differently. So maybe the next part for me is less about figuring them out and more about deciding how I want to live around what I already know.

And of course, I completely understand that everything you’re sharing is simply your perspective and advice based on the information and experiences I’ve shared with you here. I really do appreciate the amount of time, thought, and effort you’ve put into reading everything I’ve written and responding so thoughtfully. It has helped me look at things from different angles.

How has your week been going, Anita? 🙂

Nea

Hi Anita,

I hope you had a good day!

Yesterday got away from me, time flies with the little one in the best way possible. 😊

I really appreciate the way you explained that distinction between reassurance and silencing. Looking back, I can see that there were times when reasonable concerns or questions were essentially shut down by yelling, and eventually it became easier to comply than continue questioning things.

I think another layer now is that my husband is upset with my mom too because of the comments she made. His attitude toward her has definitely changed since finding out. He’s still polite and respectful and has said he’ll remain that way, but he’s much more guarded and doesn’t want the same level of closeness right now.

That’s been sad for me to see because they did have a good relationship before. I understand why he’s hurt, though, especially because he feels like some things he thought were genuine support or family closeness are now being viewed differently. I also told him that my relationship with my mom is very important to me, and he understands that. He just feels he needs some distance for now.

I actually warned my mom beforehand to be careful about what she said because I really wanted to preserve the relationship she still had with my husband, but unfortunately that didn’t really happen. So now he has told me that he will continue to be civil and respectful toward her, but he needs more of a boundary and doesn’t feel comfortable being as close or open as he was before.

My husband is generally someone who is very selective about who he fully opens himself up to. Even with some members of his own family, including his sibling, he keeps a certain amount of distance. For him, his core family unit is very much me and now our daughter. So I think when he genuinely lets someone into that inner circle and then feels hurt or betrayed, it affects him quite deeply. Middle ground can also be difficult for him — he can sometimes go from feeling very close to needing significant distance once trust has been damaged.

I’m trying to understand all of that without feeling responsible for repairing every relationship myself. I think that’s probably the biggest challenge for me right now — accepting that I can love everyone involved and wish things were different, but I can’t keep forcing closeness or peace when the other people involved have their own feelings and boundaries.

Nea

Hi Anita,

Hope you had a good day. 😊

Thank you for your questions, happy to answer them.

1. I don’t think they were intentions misrepresented but I think there was more work that needed to happen before anything could materialize which we were not fully aware of. We were led to believe in the next few months things would materialize but then certainly with economy changes etc things took a hit. I understand some of it was not in my fathers control but instead of having a truthful conversation he made it seem as if due to my husband’s lack of capacity in work ethics etc things didn’t happen. I know this is not true it was simply because my dad did not have the funds he thought he would to help execute those plans. Instead of being accountable, he shifted blame and then just brushed it all under the rug and left us without any answers.

2. This is an interesting question…they are a direct receipt. I never thought of it this way.

Look forward to your reply.

Nea