Hi Anita!

I really enjoyed reading about your social life, especially how full and exciting it was for so many years. Four evenings a week or more is quite the social life! And I’m sorry to hear that those places closed, especially when they had become such a regular part of your life and one of them was somewhere you were going every day.

I’m glad you still have the dog park and the outdoor music events though. The dancing part made me smile! 😊 It sounds like those last two events were really lovely, and hopefully you get to enjoy the next one too before the season ends.

Also, sorry for the late reply. These days the sleep deprivation has been really bad with the little one cluster feeding, so I’m up for most of the night. It’s a lot some days, but I keep reminding myself that it’s temporary and she is going to grow up so fast. I know one day I’ll probably look back and wonder where this tiny newborn stage went.

And triangulation is actually a very true observation. I hadn’t really put that word to it, but the way you described it makes a lot of sense. My dad isn’t really confronting my husband directly anymore, but the feelings are still very much there and come out indirectly through other people.

Lately, he also has barely acknowledged my baby at all, which I find really sad. He does work very late, but even when he is home or on the weekends, he doesn’t really bother much with her. He has indirectly said things to my mom about it being because she is “so small,” but I also think having my husband here again and simply having to coexist with him is too much for my dad, I suppose. It’s sad that all of these feelings are spilling over into what should otherwise be such a happy time.

But we are moving soon!! Actually, early October now, so the “Whole Outside World” is getting much closer! I think getting back into our own space and having some physical distance from everything happening inside this house is going to be really good for all of us.

Nea

Good morning Anita!

Thank you for sharing all of that.

It’s really interesting what you brought up about how some people can be so unwilling to look within or tolerate being questioned at all. I think that is something I have to keep in mind with my dad. A lot of what he seems to stand on is, “I’m older, I’ve done these things financially, I’ve provided, so how dare you question me?” And I think that’s where the problem is. Being older or having done a lot for your family doesn’t mean that everything you say or do is automatically okay, or that nobody is allowed to challenge you.

With my mom, I do think there is some truth to what you said as well. My dad somehow has a way of presenting situations so strongly from his own perspective that the other person starts looking like the bad one. I’ve seen my mom get pulled into that. Instead of looking at a situation independently and judging what actually happened, she can start absorbing his interpretation of it, and then suddenly everything the other person did is viewed negatively too. I don’t necessarily think she starts there, but she can get talked into seeing things through his lens.

At this point, though, I think my biggest focus needs to be separating myself emotionally from all of this and putting my energy into my own little family unit. I’ve spent so much time trying to understand why he behaves the way he does, why my mom reacts the way she does, what could have been different, what everything means, etc.

And I think I’m realizing that understanding something can be useful, but there eventually comes a point where you have to ask: how much more can I actually do with that understanding? I can understand the dynamic more clearly, but I can’t make another person reflect, change, apologize, or see things differently. So maybe the next part for me is less about figuring them out and more about deciding how I want to live around what I already know.

And of course, I completely understand that everything you’re sharing is simply your perspective and advice based on the information and experiences I’ve shared with you here. I really do appreciate the amount of time, thought, and effort you’ve put into reading everything I’ve written and responding so thoughtfully. It has helped me look at things from different angles.

How has your week been going, Anita? 🙂

Nea

Hi Anita,

I hope you had a good day!

Yesterday got away from me, time flies with the little one in the best way possible. 😊

I really appreciate the way you explained that distinction between reassurance and silencing. Looking back, I can see that there were times when reasonable concerns or questions were essentially shut down by yelling, and eventually it became easier to comply than continue questioning things.

I think another layer now is that my husband is upset with my mom too because of the comments she made. His attitude toward her has definitely changed since finding out. He’s still polite and respectful and has said he’ll remain that way, but he’s much more guarded and doesn’t want the same level of closeness right now.

That’s been sad for me to see because they did have a good relationship before. I understand why he’s hurt, though, especially because he feels like some things he thought were genuine support or family closeness are now being viewed differently. I also told him that my relationship with my mom is very important to me, and he understands that. He just feels he needs some distance for now.

I actually warned my mom beforehand to be careful about what she said because I really wanted to preserve the relationship she still had with my husband, but unfortunately that didn’t really happen. So now he has told me that he will continue to be civil and respectful toward her, but he needs more of a boundary and doesn’t feel comfortable being as close or open as he was before.

My husband is generally someone who is very selective about who he fully opens himself up to. Even with some members of his own family, including his sibling, he keeps a certain amount of distance. For him, his core family unit is very much me and now our daughter. So I think when he genuinely lets someone into that inner circle and then feels hurt or betrayed, it affects him quite deeply. Middle ground can also be difficult for him — he can sometimes go from feeling very close to needing significant distance once trust has been damaged.

I’m trying to understand all of that without feeling responsible for repairing every relationship myself. I think that’s probably the biggest challenge for me right now — accepting that I can love everyone involved and wish things were different, but I can’t keep forcing closeness or peace when the other people involved have their own feelings and boundaries.

Nea

Hi Anita,

Hope you had a good day. 😊

Thank you for your questions, happy to answer them.

1. I don’t think they were intentions misrepresented but I think there was more work that needed to happen before anything could materialize which we were not fully aware of. We were led to believe in the next few months things would materialize but then certainly with economy changes etc things took a hit. I understand some of it was not in my fathers control but instead of having a truthful conversation he made it seem as if due to my husband’s lack of capacity in work ethics etc things didn’t happen. I know this is not true it was simply because my dad did not have the funds he thought he would to help execute those plans. Instead of being accountable, he shifted blame and then just brushed it all under the rug and left us without any answers.

2. This is an interesting question…they are a direct receipt. I never thought of it this way.

Look forward to your reply.

Nea

Hi Anita,

Thank you for putting it this way, Anita. I really loved the distinction you made between real peace and temporary peace — I honestly hadn’t viewed it that way before, and it really resonated with me.

I think part of what has been confusing me is that another family member put the idea in my head that, given my postpartum state, if my husband truly cares about me then he should just put all of this to the side and let it go for now. And I understand where that thought comes from, because obviously I want less tension around me right now.

But then I remember what you said before about resentment, and I don’t want that either. I don’t want my anxiety to be relieved because my husband has to suppress how he feels, change his boundaries, or adapt his behaviour just to keep everyone else comfortable — only for that resentment to surface later in our marriage.

I think that’s the part I’m trying to hold onto: reducing my anxiety doesn’t necessarily mean making the conflict disappear at any cost. There has to be a way for me to find peace internally while also allowing him to have legitimate feelings and boundaries about what has happened.

And I do think the mettā mantras will help me with that — giving me something concrete to come back to when my mind starts spiraling, so I can work on creating that sense of calm internally rather than feeling like everyone around me has to behave a certain way for me to feel.

Nea

Hi Roberta,

Thank you for providing this fresh perspective. I do feel guilty in some ways that I haven’t been as present as I would like to be with my baby because I’ve been spending so much emotional energy trying to understand these family dynamics and make peace with everything.

My husband has been very understanding over the years, but after the recent incident and everything that has unfolded since, I’m not sure exactly what these relationships will look like going forward or whether they can ever return to what they were before. Perhaps some of that change may ultimately be for the better, especially as I begin this new phase of life and focus more intentionally on the family my husband and I are creating together.

I really appreciate the loving-kindness meditation you suggested, and I’ll do my best to practice it. Sometimes, when we’re caught up in all the tangled webs of family history and conflict, it’s easy to lose sight of the bigger picture. Peace, love, good health, and being present with the people directly in front of us are ultimately some of the most important things of all.

Nea

Hi Anita,

Yes, I think you’re right about the “peace restorer” role. I’m realizing that for years, when there was tension or conflict, I would eventually be the one who softened, apologized, approached, or just said “let’s move on,” even if there had never really been any resolution. It gave me temporary relief because at least the atmosphere felt normal again.

So now that I’m not doing that — and I also can’t control whether other people repair things — I think my nervous system almost doesn’t know what to do with the unresolved tension. My mind keeps jumping ahead and trying to figure out how to restore everything, even though another part of me knows that repeating the same pattern would just bring temporary peace and leave the underlying issues untouched.

There’s also been another layer added that has made me really angry. I recently learned that when some family members tried to meet and “clear the air,” the conversation apparently turned into a list of criticisms about my husband — things about what he supposedly does or doesn’t do around the house, finances, and other petty or inaccurate things that really have nothing to do with the original incident. Then those comments were relayed to someone in his family, who confronted him about them.

I’m honestly furious about that. I live with my husband. I know our marriage, our finances, what he contributes, and the person he is. I have never claimed he is perfect — I have openly said that I think he should have disengaged sooner during the original argument, and I have absolutely called him out on things over the years. But that is completely different from sitting there while people paint an inaccurate picture of his character and then asking me, “Why are you defending him?” Of course I’m going to defend him when something being said about him is simply not true.

What makes me even angrier is the contrast. I grew up around genuinely serious behaviour — verbal abuse, physical aggression, domestic violence, intimidation — and so much of that eventually became normalized or excused, sometimes with the financial provision and generosity being held up as evidence of everything that had been done for us. Yet now relatively minor complaints about my husband are being collected and treated as evidence against his character. It feels incredibly backwards to me.

And your point about the financial generosity really resonates for that reason. I am grateful for the financial help we have received. I don’t want to rewrite that or be ungrateful. But I’m also increasingly able to see that generosity in a much bigger context. Money and generosity cannot erase the way someone treats people, and they also shouldn’t create an expectation that the recipient owes emotional submission, loyalty, or tolerance of behaviour they otherwise wouldn’t accept.

I think this new information has made me even angrier because I’m realizing that I don’t want to keep participating in a system where one person’s anger becomes everyone else’s responsibility to manage, while everyone else’s mistakes or imperfections get magnified. And I just had a baby, so I’m also frustrated that all of this family conflict is continuing to take up emotional space during a time when I want my energy to be with my husband and daughter.

So yes — I think the anxiety really may be partly the absence of that old “restore the peace and get relief” mechanism. The hard part now is learning to tolerate the tension without automatically fixing it, especially when I’m so angry about what is being said and how unfair it feels.

Nea