Hi Anita, thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I’m currently battling a small cold, so I’m hoping it passes quickly and that I don’t pass anything on to the baby.

Hope you’re doing well! ❤️

I’ve actually been thinking a lot about what you wrote, because it’s heavy to look back at everything through that lens. Since the incident happened, what I’ve mostly heard from the people around me is that while my father was clearly more at fault, my husband still should have disengaged. I think that’s where so much of the confusion in my own head has come from.

I can still see that my husband perhaps could have chosen different words in that moment. For example, saying “come hit me then” could make an already angry person even more aggressive. That doesn’t make my father’s behaviour okay, and it doesn’t make my husband responsible for his aggression, but I can understand why using different words might have helped keep the situation from becoming even more heated.

At the same time, I think I’m starting to understand more clearly that my husband doesn’t want to simply push what happened under the rug and pretend everything is fine. He wants to be able to have an actual conversation about it, and I do think that’s something adults should be able to do. Unfortunately, I don’t really understand why that conversation still feels impossible right now.

I also don’t think it would be healthy for me to expect my husband to just say hi, act normal, and pretend nothing happened simply to make things easier for everyone else. He can absolutely be civil and respectful, but if we all immediately go back to behaving as though everything is fine without any acknowledgment of what happened, then I worry that it just reinforces the same pattern — that something serious happens, nobody addresses it, and everyone else adjusts around it.

I think the bigger thing I’m having to come to terms with is what our family dynamic is going to look like once we move back to our own place. Of course I can still visit my parents, and my mom can come visit us, but realistically I probably won’t be at their house nearly as often if my husband isn’t comfortable being there.

That’s the part I’m still trying to process — not just what happened that day, but the possibility that things really may look different now and might not simply go back to how they were before.

Nea

Hi Alessa , thank you so much for your earlier response. Hope all is going well for you🩷

It was really thoughtful, and I really appreciated you offering to let me email you if I ever wanted to talk through things in more detail. That honestly means a lot, and I’ll definitely keep it in mind.

And thank you as well for sharing that you’ve gone through something somewhat similar within your own family. Even hearing that much helps me feel a little less alone in trying to navigate all of this.

With my husband and my dad, the actual topic that started the argument was honestly very small. I think there were probably other things brewing underneath it. My dad felt my husband had said something he didn’t like, which was actually more in relation to me, and then told him essentially, “When I tell you to stop talking, you stop talking.” My husband responded that he wasn’t going to stop talking just because he was told to, and from there everything escalated.

My dad became verbally abusive and came toward him, and then once that happened my husband also came toward him. So it became a very messy, heated situation, which is part of why I’ve struggled so much with sorting out what happened afterward.

I don’t actually think they were equally at fault. I do think my dad carries more responsibility for how far it went. I think some of my confusion has come from hearing different people around me say that they both need to be held equally accountable, when to me there is still a difference between the two.

And I do think culture plays a role in all of this too. In my family, we’ve never really been the kind of people who openly sit down and talk through difficult things, which I know isn’t ideal. Things have usually just been swept under the rug and everyone eventually carries on.

That’s why I honestly don’t know what happens from here. I don’t really see there being a big open conversation unless something changes. It feels like either everyone eventually just acts normal again without ever addressing it, or the distance and ignoring each other becomes the new normal.

I also think I’ve been so emotionally tied to, and maybe even trauma-bonded in some ways with, my maternal family for so long that coming to terms with things and accepting that the dynamic may have to change is probably going to take me some time.

For now though, I really am trying to focus on my little baby and enjoy this time as much as I can — all the cuddles and these tiny newborn moments that go so quickly. I’m trying to count my blessings and not let everything else take away from what is also such a special time in my life.

Nea

Good evening Anita,

I hope you’ve been well. 🙂

Thank you so much again for taking the time to give such an in-depth perspective. I really appreciate how much thought you’ve put into everything I’ve shared.

It’s been a busy couple of days here because we’re starting to sort through everything and pack. We’re moving in a little over two weeks now, which honestly feels like a relief, but also makes me a little sad in its own way. When we first moved in here, none of us imagined things would unfold like this or that this would be the way our time living together would end.

Your explanation of “two-siding” was really interesting to me because I had actually never heard of that before. The more I read what you’ve written and think about the situation from that perspective, the more I can empathize with and understand my husband.

I do feel like I was on his side from the beginning after the fight, but with so many opinions and comments coming from different people afterward, I started questioning things too. I found myself thinking, “Why can’t he just be the bigger person?” or “Why can’t he just let it go?” But then I think… I can’t undo what happened to him. I can’t erase the things that were said or how he was treated. So how can I really expect him to simply act as though nothing happened, especially when there hasn’t been any acknowledgement or accountability?

What you said about the title of my thread was also really interesting because I genuinely never thought of it that way when I wrote it. You’re right — those dynamics weren’t actually acceptable when I was growing up either. They were just familiar to me.

I think when you grow up around something for so long, especially when culture, family expectations, and ideas about respecting parents are mixed into it, certain behaviours can start to feel “normal,” even when they aren’t healthy. Having to look back at your childhood through a completely different lens as an adult is honestly difficult. Sometimes it makes me anxious because it changes the way I understand so many things I grew up with.

But I’m trying to let myself understand it gradually instead of feeling like I have to figure everything out immediately. Right now I’m also trying to focus on my little family, enjoy my baby, get through this move, and create a calmer environment for us going forward.

How are things going with you? 🙂 Fall is almost here, and I’m not sure where you are or what the season is like there, but I’m really looking forward to all of the beautiful fall colours and trees changing soon. It’s one of my favourite parts of this time of year.

Nea

Hi Alessa!

Hope you’re doing well. 🩷

I’m so sorry — I didn’t even get a chance to respond to your other reply, but I really did appreciate it. I always appreciate the way you share your own experiences and give me another perspective on things.

To answer your question, my family home is actually really close to where we’re moving — only about 15 minutes away. So my family can still come to our place and help with the baby if I need them, and I can still come here too. My husband has never told me I can’t see my family or that they can’t help me. He’s actually been very clear that whoever I need around me is completely my decision. He’s even agreed to still come here with me sometimes, so he isn’t trying to put a stop to any relationship.

I think the issue was more that it started to feel like people expected him to apologize, say hello first, or make the first effort simply because of the cultural expectation around respecting elders.

And unfortunately, that cultural part is very real. I’ve never really been able to openly tell my dad when I think he’s wrong because I know how badly he can react. Even with this situation, especially while we’ve been living under the same roof, I genuinely didn’t think confronting him directly was a good idea because I knew there was a strong possibility it would just blow everything up again.

So no, I haven’t directly told my dad, “You were wrong and you owe him an apology.” But I have absolutely stayed beside my husband through this, and I think my family can see that through my actions and through the distance I’ve kept with my dad. To be honest, some of that distance was already there before this happened anyway, which is part of why the whole situation is complicated.

And to answer your earlier question about what actually happened, I would describe it more as a fight than a normal argument. My dad started becoming verbally aggressive toward my husband, my husband became increasingly angry in response, and eventually my dad advanced toward him. My husband stepped toward him too, and thankfully the rest of us got between them before anything physical happened.

The frustrating part is that what started it was honestly something so minor. My husband was trying to say/do something and my dad interpreted it completely differently and escalated it from there.

I can acknowledge that my husband could have disengaged earlier and de-escalated instead of continuing once my dad became aggressive. He knows that too. But at the same time, the initial verbal aggression and escalation did come from my dad, and I don’t think it’s fair to erase that and then expect my husband to be the one who apologizes or makes the first move simply because my dad is the elder. That’s really where I’ve been struggling with all of this.

Nea