Good Tues night, Nea:

I might as well elaborate on the see-no-evil, hear-no-evil monkeys, covering their eyes and ears.

For decades, I remembered my mother saying to me (repeatedly):

“You are one big zero”.

I remember her saying those words, troubled by the memory, but it was only a few days ago, late at night, in front of the computer (journaling/ writing-therapy) that I FELT hurt, very hurt at the sound of those words.

I felt hurt but also peaceful. It was the undoing of half a century of dissociation (disconnecting, or separating memory from how it truly felt).

Suddenly, in my mind, she really did say those words, and those words really did hurt. I was really there. It really happened.

And when the feeling came back, I realized that it hurts so much not because I was a big zero, but because I wasn’t.

And it was clear to me that she meant to hurt me by saying those words. That’s why she said them.

That gave me some clarity, such that’s possible only when old feelings are re-attached to almost emotion-less, dry memories.

When I read and re-read that your father called you a bi*** and used the word f*** talking to you, I got angry every time. I felt heat in my face.

But I wonder: have you felt genuine anger, or did you too separate memory from emotion..?

Tonight, I see 🙈 🙉 as dissociation, as separating memory from emotion- a natural psychological defense.

For as long as dissociation has been ongoing, I couldn’t adequately process what happened, nor could zi see my mother clearly,the good, the bad and.. the very ugly.

If this resonates to one extent or another, amd if it’s not too heavy, I would love to talk more about it with you.

Anita

Good Thursday Afternoon, Nea:

Thank you 🙂

I hear your sadness on this day, about how different it is from the same day last year.

You wrote that after your father called you names, he apologized- he apologized sincerely, his own initiative?

But then it happened that he called you names and apologized again?

I don’t think that you mentioned him apologizing for anything, so I thought he never did.

Six weeks of no talking between father and husband, and you survived that silent tension.

If your husband did say happy birthday to your father, to ease the tension, it might do the opposite of easing the tension. It might trigger your father..🤔?

Anita

Hey Nea 🙂

Your husband’s point is so very valid. I mean, imagine the extent of his hurt: his own parents gone and no extended family, growing emotionally attached to your father, forming a son- dad bond with him, or so he felt.

And then he’s betrayed: his dad figure turns against him, starting indirectly (making faces, at him, talking behind his back, triangulating), and then directly (the incident), and then, 20 days later, saying absolutely nothing to him on your his biggest day.

I imagine your husband hoped that your father will say something on that day, waiting and waiting 😔

I wonder if when your father apologized to you, if he acknowledged that he did something wrong, calling you names..?

Anita

Hi Nea

Thanks for your kindness and understanding. Not to worry, I was just worried I’d put my foot in my mouth. Not my intention at all. 🩵

Oh that’s really good. I’m glad it is still going to be okay to visit. Hopefully things will feel a bit more normal for you both once you’ve had a bit of space. 🙏

That makes sense and I think it’s a good idea not to bring anything like that up with your dad while you are both staying there. 😊

I think it’s really difficult especially with two families because the family culture itself can be very different. What may be acceptable in one might not be in the other? And it’s hard because even when arguments happen, you can’t expect your partner to step away from their family before they are ready to. It’s a very personal decision.

Maybe it’s just I’ve had a volatile family but the argument doesn’t sound that bad to me?

Yeah, I totally agree with you about culture and respect for elders.

I’m sorry that your husband didn’t wish your dad happy birthday. It sucks that your father didn’t congratulate the birth of baby Maya either.

I think the difficulty with your father and your husband ignoring each other is this is an abusive behaviour in itself. It’s called stonewalling. It’s not a healthy behaviour. To ignore someone you live with for 20 days is a lot.

The thing is that it’s not even about age. The more reasonable person tends to make the move first. Because unreasonable people are set in their ways. The only way to “win” against an unreasonable person is to be unreasonable yourself. It’s not even about teaching a lesson or who wins. It’s a question of who your husband wants to be.

This is a depressing and stressful situation for you to deal with after having a baby. I’m so sorry. Hang in there. You’ll be in your own home again soon. 🩵

Thinking about you this Sunday evening, Nea, hoping you are well 🙂

Hi Nea
The celebration of Maya’s birth is it a formal or informal affair? Are people expected to make a speech or declaration?
Is the celebration in the house you are currently living in?
Sorry to ask so many questions, but it is hard to give practical advice without any background.
Either way I hope that all goes smoothly on the day
Roberta

Good Friday Evening, Nea 🙂

I’d like to answer your recent message this way: I’ll read the first paragraph, respond, then read the second paragraph, respond, etc. It’d feel like having a conversation with you this evening.

I’m glad the weather is lovely where you’re at. It’s almost lovely here, and heavenly compared to the weather across the continent- in Fl right now (category 3 hurricanes).

My congrats to you for not pushing your husband further to wish HB or to initiate any conversation with your father 👏

Letting things go, and letting them be.. where’s that emoji again.. 👏

Focusing on Maya and the move is healthy. It’s moving away from what has been unhealthy for too long, way before the incident with your husband in early Aug.

I am surprized that your father had apologized to you after calling you names. I wonder if following his apologies, he had made any detectable effort to fix the (mis) behaviors he apologized for.

“I can’t expect my husband to just sweep (the argument) under the rug”-

What went through my mind as I read this sentence was the image of your husband sweeping his own dignity and self- esteem under the rug.

.. You wrote: “My husband refusing to initiate a conversation and be the bigger person and maintain peace had become so difficult for me to accept”-

I think that your husband refusing to initiate a conversation is about.. not being the smaller person.

And about peace- since your father taking out his stress at home is a decades-long Pattern, Peace around him is only a Pause before the next time. Isn’t it?

About me, helped by your 13-page story, I understand my own story better. And for that I thank you 🙏

Only a short while ago today, I remembered something childlike that my mother said, something that makes me feel affection for her. And at the same time, I hold memories of great hurt and distress that she has caused me.

I can hold both memories, both emotional experiences together.

And there’s grief about never having experienced what a mother should be: safe. I never had and never will have that experience.

Experiencing this grief is helping me finally move on more. I mean, to really trust my experience and to fully understand that there was nothing I could have done and nothing I could do now to have a mom.

Having a mom (a safe and loving mother) has been nothing but a fantasy that I’ve been chasing in one way or another.

👣 (one step, one day at a time), Anita