Hi Anita,

Hope you had a good day. 😊

Thank you for your questions, happy to answer them.

1. I don’t think they were intentions misrepresented but I think there was more work that needed to happen before anything could materialize which we were not fully aware of. We were led to believe in the next few months things would materialize but then certainly with economy changes etc things took a hit. I understand some of it was not in my fathers control but instead of having a truthful conversation he made it seem as if due to my husband’s lack of capacity in work ethics etc things didn’t happen. I know this is not true it was simply because my dad did not have the funds he thought he would to help execute those plans. Instead of being accountable, he shifted blame and then just brushed it all under the rug and left us without any answers.

2. This is an interesting question…they are a direct receipt. I never thought of it this way.

Look forward to your reply.

Nea

Hi Anita,

Thank you for putting it this way, Anita. I really loved the distinction you made between real peace and temporary peace — I honestly hadn’t viewed it that way before, and it really resonated with me.

I think part of what has been confusing me is that another family member put the idea in my head that, given my postpartum state, if my husband truly cares about me then he should just put all of this to the side and let it go for now. And I understand where that thought comes from, because obviously I want less tension around me right now.

But then I remember what you said before about resentment, and I don’t want that either. I don’t want my anxiety to be relieved because my husband has to suppress how he feels, change his boundaries, or adapt his behaviour just to keep everyone else comfortable — only for that resentment to surface later in our marriage.

I think that’s the part I’m trying to hold onto: reducing my anxiety doesn’t necessarily mean making the conflict disappear at any cost. There has to be a way for me to find peace internally while also allowing him to have legitimate feelings and boundaries about what has happened.

And I do think the mettā mantras will help me with that — giving me something concrete to come back to when my mind starts spiraling, so I can work on creating that sense of calm internally rather than feeling like everyone around me has to behave a certain way for me to feel.

Nea

Hi Roberta,

Thank you for providing this fresh perspective. I do feel guilty in some ways that I haven’t been as present as I would like to be with my baby because I’ve been spending so much emotional energy trying to understand these family dynamics and make peace with everything.

My husband has been very understanding over the years, but after the recent incident and everything that has unfolded since, I’m not sure exactly what these relationships will look like going forward or whether they can ever return to what they were before. Perhaps some of that change may ultimately be for the better, especially as I begin this new phase of life and focus more intentionally on the family my husband and I are creating together.

I really appreciate the loving-kindness meditation you suggested, and I’ll do my best to practice it. Sometimes, when we’re caught up in all the tangled webs of family history and conflict, it’s easy to lose sight of the bigger picture. Peace, love, good health, and being present with the people directly in front of us are ultimately some of the most important things of all.

Nea

Hi Anita,

Yes, I think you’re right about the “peace restorer” role. I’m realizing that for years, when there was tension or conflict, I would eventually be the one who softened, apologized, approached, or just said “let’s move on,” even if there had never really been any resolution. It gave me temporary relief because at least the atmosphere felt normal again.

So now that I’m not doing that — and I also can’t control whether other people repair things — I think my nervous system almost doesn’t know what to do with the unresolved tension. My mind keeps jumping ahead and trying to figure out how to restore everything, even though another part of me knows that repeating the same pattern would just bring temporary peace and leave the underlying issues untouched.

There’s also been another layer added that has made me really angry. I recently learned that when some family members tried to meet and “clear the air,” the conversation apparently turned into a list of criticisms about my husband — things about what he supposedly does or doesn’t do around the house, finances, and other petty or inaccurate things that really have nothing to do with the original incident. Then those comments were relayed to someone in his family, who confronted him about them.

I’m honestly furious about that. I live with my husband. I know our marriage, our finances, what he contributes, and the person he is. I have never claimed he is perfect — I have openly said that I think he should have disengaged sooner during the original argument, and I have absolutely called him out on things over the years. But that is completely different from sitting there while people paint an inaccurate picture of his character and then asking me, “Why are you defending him?” Of course I’m going to defend him when something being said about him is simply not true.

What makes me even angrier is the contrast. I grew up around genuinely serious behaviour — verbal abuse, physical aggression, domestic violence, intimidation — and so much of that eventually became normalized or excused, sometimes with the financial provision and generosity being held up as evidence of everything that had been done for us. Yet now relatively minor complaints about my husband are being collected and treated as evidence against his character. It feels incredibly backwards to me.

And your point about the financial generosity really resonates for that reason. I am grateful for the financial help we have received. I don’t want to rewrite that or be ungrateful. But I’m also increasingly able to see that generosity in a much bigger context. Money and generosity cannot erase the way someone treats people, and they also shouldn’t create an expectation that the recipient owes emotional submission, loyalty, or tolerance of behaviour they otherwise wouldn’t accept.

I think this new information has made me even angrier because I’m realizing that I don’t want to keep participating in a system where one person’s anger becomes everyone else’s responsibility to manage, while everyone else’s mistakes or imperfections get magnified. And I just had a baby, so I’m also frustrated that all of this family conflict is continuing to take up emotional space during a time when I want my energy to be with my husband and daughter.

So yes — I think the anxiety really may be partly the absence of that old “restore the peace and get relief” mechanism. The hard part now is learning to tolerate the tension without automatically fixing it, especially when I’m so angry about what is being said and how unfair it feels.

Nea

Good morning, Anita ❤️

Thank you. And I’m sorry — her name is actually Maya. Autocorrect put the other name in my previous message. But yes, I’m very happy to share her name with you.

I think what you said about my father makes a lot of sense. His pride in having a granddaughter may be very real, but I’m struggling with the fact that it hasn’t translated into the kind of emotional closeness or softness I hoped Maya would receive from him.

Even right now, in the trenches of having a newborn, I hate that this is taking up space in my mind. It makes me so emotional, and I’m sure some of that is heightened by being postpartum too. I just wanted that warmth and emotional closeness from my family — not only for myself, but now for my daughter — and I don’t feel like I’m getting it in the way I imagined.

Maybe it will simply take me time to fully understand and adjust to what is, rather than what I hoped it would be. My heart hurts sometimes, especially now that I’m a mother myself. I find myself feeling so deeply for children whose parents make their lives harder, and for single parents or parents who are raising children without much support. Becoming a mom has made me look at all of these things through such a different lens.

And what you said about no longer wishing for the mother you wished you had really stood out to me. There’s something significant about reaching the point where you aren’t waiting for someone to become different anymore. I imagine that acceptance can carry grief with it, but also a kind of freedom.

Thank you, too, for what you said about strength — in me and in my husband. I’m trying to remember that strength doesn’t always mean not being affected by something. Sometimes I think it’s feeling all of it and still choosing what kind of family and emotional environment you want to create going forward. ❤️

Nea

Good evening Anita!

That honestly sounds like such a peaceful afternoon — sitting on the lounge with the two beagles happily chewing their bones nearby 🙂 I’m glad you’re having one of those simple, good days.

And thank you. What you said about dignity and self-respect really stayed with me. Especially because through all of this, my husband has been nothing but supportive of me and completely devoted to taking care of me and our baby. I don’t want him to feel like he has to go toward someone who has made it very clear he isn’t willing to meet him halfway.

The funny thing is, my dad is apparently spreading the news about Soraya to all of his people 😅 So yes, I’m sure on some level he is happy and proud to have a granddaughter. But that almost makes the whole thing stranger to me. Instead of focusing on the most important part — actually bonding with her, being present with us, and trying to make some kind of peace with us as a family — he has barely held her. I know he is very busy with work, which is the usual explanation, and then of course there is everything with my husband.

I think that contradiction is part of what keeps my mind going back to it. It’s like the pride of becoming a grandfather is there, but the emotional work of actually being one — and of showing up for his daughter, granddaughter, and our little family — is much harder for him.

And Anita, I’m really sorry for the absence of the mother you deserved. ❤️ I think no matter how much we learn to understand people and eventually accept what they are capable of giving us, there can still be a void where that safe person was supposed to be. I wish acceptance made that disappear completely, but I don’t think it always does. And I think there is something incredibly strong about you still creating the life you wanted and choosing to live differently, even while carrying that grief.

Nea

Thanks so much Roberta, means a lot!! 😊❤️

Nea