Good morning, Anita!

It has actually been a bit of a whirlwind over here. I ended up going into labor the night of the 20th, and after a long labor, my beautiful baby girl arrived Friday night. She is just perfect. 💛 So the last few days have been a mixture of recovery, bonding, healing, very little sleep, and just taking in everything that has happened. We are home from the hospital now and slowly adjusting to what this completely new life looks like, which is why I wasn’t able to reply sooner, although I was still thinking about our conversations.

My family did come to the hospital to meet the baby, which was nice, but there was definitely some awkwardness. My dad came, but he and my husband didn’t speak to each other. We were all in the same room, and nothing happened, but I could sense that distance and tension underneath it. I noticed it, of course, but at the same time I’ve been in such a warm little bubble with my baby that I honestly don’t have much capacity to carry that situation right now.

And maybe that is okay. I have more than enough on my plate at the moment—recovering physically, getting to know my daughter, figuring out feeding and sleep and all of these completely new things, and just taking in how beautiful it is to finally have her here.

I did really appreciate both of your replies, though, and I absolutely still want to continue the conversation, because I learn a lot from the way you frame things.

What you wrote about my dad almost viewing family as the place where he is allowed to release whatever he wants actually does resonate. It is strange because his statement has always been presented almost as though closeness gives someone more permission to behave badly, whereas I have always felt that the people closest to you should probably be the people you make the greatest effort not to hurt.

And your image of the plant in dry ground really stayed with me too—the roots growing longer and longer trying to reach water. I can see something of myself in that: repeatedly extending understanding, empathy, explanations, and second chances, perhaps hoping that eventually I would reach something in him that would respond in the same way.

I think becoming a mother myself is probably going to make me look at some of this differently too. Even in these first few days, there is something very powerful about looking at this tiny person who depends on me and thinking about what I want “family” to mean for her.

For now, though, I’m just learning and navigating this very new, very beautiful chapter one day at a time. 💛

How have you been?!

Nea

Hello Anita,

Thank you 🙂 I really appreciate how you framed this, especially the distinction between integrity and trying to keep the peace at any cost.

I do think one of the hardest things for me has been accepting that I can’t pressure my husband into tolerating behaviour that I know has hurt me for many years simply because the person involved is my father. I also agree that having everything happen in my father’s home, where he very much has that “my house, my rules” mentality, creates an added power dynamic.

I think part of why I keep questioning my husband’s role is cultural too. I’m South Asian, and there is definitely this strong expectation that if an older person, especially a father or father-in-law, says “enough” or “stop talking,” the younger person should simply stop. So I keep hearing versions of, “He’s older, your husband should have known when to stop.” And I do genuinely wonder whether my husband should have disengaged sooner once he could see how angry my father was becoming. From a de-escalation standpoint, perhaps that would have been wiser.

But at the same time, I struggle with the idea that because someone is older, another adult is expected to simply submit when they’re being told to shut up over what was initially such a small topic. I think that is where it became much bigger for my husband. He felt that he was being told, essentially, “I said enough, so you stop talking,” and that if he didn’t comply, anger and intimidation would be used to force him to.

There’s also a financial/cultural layer that makes me feel guilty. My parents have let us stay in their very nice home without paying rent, and we are genuinely grateful for that and have thanked them. We had actually wanted to contribute rent. But when we first moved in, my husband’s work situation was tied up with my father’s business and he was receiving very limited income, which my parents knew. We were also still paying a significant portion of our own mortgage and other expenses. My parents knew the whole situation and had asked us to stay with them.

So I struggle when the housing or financial support becomes part of the argument — almost like, “You’re living under my roof, therefore you should know your place.” I absolutely believe gratitude and respect are appropriate. But I don’t think receiving financial help means someone should have to tolerate being sworn at, called names, humiliated, or physically intimidated.

That’s why I’m trying to hold both things at once: perhaps my husband could have disengaged earlier for the sake of de-escalation, while also recognizing that continuing to speak does not justify what happened afterward.

Do you think that distinction is fair? I really want to look at everyone’s behaviour honestly rather than automatically defending either side, but I also don’t want cultural expectations around age, hierarchy, or financial support to make me minimize behaviour that I know I would consider unacceptable in any other context.

Nea

Hi Lu,

I completely agree. I think that’s exactly what I’m trying to unlearn now — that respecting someone older means I have to bend, stay quiet, or be the one to repair things no matter what happened. It really does feel uncomfortable at first because it goes against what I grew up with, but I’m realizing having boundaries isn’t disrespectful. Especially now that I’m building my own family, I want respect to go both ways.

Did you ever worry that changing those patterns would create a bigger family rift? I think that’s the part I’m struggling with most — knowing I need boundaries but being scared of what they might change long-term.

Nea

Hi Anita, good to hear from you! 🙂

Yes, you’re right. I think that cultural and generational cycle of expecting younger people to tolerate abusive or intimidating behaviour simply because someone is older really does need to stop. Respect should go both ways. And now that I’m about to have my own little girl, I genuinely cannot imagine ever swearing at her, charging at her, threatening her, or making her afraid of me and then saying she caused my reaction.

I think where my mind still struggles is jumping ahead and wondering what this means if my husband and dad never really repair things — holidays, special occasions, the baby, and whether other family members will think my husband should have just backed down because he’s younger.

But I keep reminding myself that while my husband could have disengaged earlier, that still doesn’t make the verbal abuse and physical intimidation okay. And I can’t ask him to apologize or initiate friendliness just because my dad is older, especially when my dad hasn’t made any effort toward accountability.

At the same time, my husband hasn’t asked me to cut my family off or said he’ll never attend anything. His boundary is more that he’ll be civil and present, but he doesn’t want a relationship with my dad unless there is some acknowledgment that what happened crossed a line.

So I’m trying to accept that this may simply be where things are for now and focus my energy on the baby instead of forcing a resolution. I think it will always be painful because he is still my dad, but I also know I don’t want to keep repeating the same cycle anymore.

Nea

Hi Anita,

No worries!! I just thought I’d reach out just in case since I really enjoy our conversations, they provide me with an interesting perspective. I’ll add more after I hear from you again. 🙂

Nea

Better said than done tho! Today was much better. I spent some nice quality time with my husband. I’m just focusing on that and being happy for my baby girl!

Good afternoon Anita!

Thanks again for sharing this, Anita. The study you shared about love and family dynamics was really interesting, and I think it’s given me quite a few things to reflect on.

I think what you mentioned about the need to restore peace really resonates with me too. I feel like I’m caught in this crossfire between wanting peace, wanting to stand my ground, supporting my husband, and also being so close to labor. All of those anxious thoughts seem to get jumbled together, and I start feeling like I need to somehow fix everything.

The other day I was reflecting a lot on family conflict and how deeply fights used to disturb me growing up. I think part of what I’m realizing now is that I need to do better at breaking that pattern rather than continuing to feel responsible for restoring peace whenever something goes wrong.

I also think that, over the years, my husband and I became very close with my family. He wanted that closeness too, but looking back, I think the boundaries became blurred to the point where the respect and peace that should have existed weren’t always fully there. Especially with my parents, I started noticing that even smaller things could become issues, and perhaps we had all become a little too intertwined.

I think my biggest struggle now is learning to separate my relationship with my husband and the family we are building from my relationship with my parents and extended family. And maybe part of that is accepting that my husband doesn’t have to process this the same way I do. If what he can offer right now is simply being civil, rather than letting everything go or returning to the closeness that existed before, I need to learn that it’s okay. I don’t have to force everyone back into the version of “normal” that makes me feel temporarily safe.

Nea

Hi Anita,

First, thank you for what you said about the maturity and insight I’ve brought to these conversations. That genuinely meant a lot to me, especially during such an emotionally difficult few days. I can also see how much time you take out of your own day to respond thoughtfully to me and to others here, and I truly find that inspiring. If I knew you in person, I would honestly love to take you for coffee and bring you flowers just to thank you for listening to me and helping me process all of this these past few days. So, for now, please accept some virtual flowers instead 💐🌷

It’s been a very emotionally and mentally heavy day, but I do understand what you meant when you mentioned stress. My background is actually in healthcare, so I understand where you were coming from. I think after the last few days, though, I really want to make a conscious effort to reduce the amount of stress I’m carrying, especially this close to having the baby.

I think part of what has been difficult is finally seeing some of these dynamics for what they are, while also accepting that seeing them clearly doesn’t immediately make them easier emotionally.

There’s also the situation with my husband. I love him, and I understand why he feels the way he does. But my anxiety keeps pulling me toward trying to preserve some kind of family peace. I find myself asking him to stay neutral, say hi, or maintain some basic interaction with my dad. He has told me that at family occasions he can be civil and respectful, but right now he doesn’t want to go beyond that or pretend everything is okay. I think I have to learn to accept that boundary rather than repeatedly trying to convince him otherwise simply because the distance between them makes me uncomfortable.

Interestingly, the serenity prayer you shared — about accepting what we cannot change, having the courage to change what we can, and having the wisdom to know the difference — is something my dad himself used to say quite often. There is almost an irony in that for me now. I think he understands certain ideas intellectually but doesn’t necessarily recognize when they apply to his own behaviour.

Even over the last few days, he made a face toward my husband during one interaction and then removed himself from another family group chat. Those things may seem small individually, but they reinforce for me that he is still reacting in his own way rather than trying to repair anything.

I think what I’m struggling with now is accepting that perhaps there isn’t something for me to fix between them. I can love my dad, acknowledge the things he has done for me, love and support my husband, and still recognize that their relationship is ultimately theirs. Maybe my responsibility now is not to manufacture peace between them, but to stop carrying their relationship around in my own head and trying to manage everyone’s reactions.

I understand that logically. I’m just trying to figure out how to actually live it, especially when my anxiety keeps telling me that if I don’t intervene, the family will never feel normal again.

Nea