Anita, first of all, thank you so much for taking the time to rewrite all of this and for giving my situation so much thought. I really am so appreciative. Reading it laid out this way does help me see things from a different perspective, and I think part of what I need to learn now is how to adjust my own expectations rather than continuing to hope for a response from my dad that he may simply not be capable of giving.

Ironically, I actually ended up having an argument with my husband about all of this today, which is the last thing I wanted. I think part of my frustration is that I wish he could see that sometimes, in moments of anger, de-escalating or disengaging can prevent things from becoming worse — even when you haven’t done anything wrong.

But then I also understand what he keeps coming back to: that something as simple as continuing to speak shouldn’t result in someone trying to intimidate you into silence or telling you that you aren’t allowed to talk. And when I really think about it, in the seven years we’ve been together, this is the first encounter between them that has escalated like this. I’m sure there was some built-up frustration on my husband’s side as well, especially after everything that has happened over the last year and how he has felt because of my dad.

What I really don’t want is for this situation to start putting a strain on my marriage. It has only been about a week and a half since the incident, but my anxiety keeps bringing me back to it. Being in the same house probably isn’t helping. My mind jumps ahead to future holidays, visits, family gatherings, what our relationships will look like, and everything that might now be different. Then I get angry with myself because I’m about to have my baby and that is where I want my heart and attention to be.

I think another reason this has affected me so deeply is that growing up, the pattern was often to apologize, smooth things over, or let something go in order to restore peace. I’ve done that many times. But this time feels different because the line wasn’t crossed only with me — it involved my husband.

And something I’m struggling with is that everyone keeps coming back to what my husband could have done differently: he could have stopped talking, walked away sooner, de-escalated, etc. Yet nobody can really have that same conversation with my dad because they know how he will react. My mom actually tried speaking to him about what happened, and it turned into a huge argument between them. There is something about that imbalance that I’m having a hard time accepting.

At the same time, I know I have work to do on my own side of this. My anxiety keeps wanting to revisit the incident, analyze everyone’s actions, talk about it again, and somehow find a resolution. I can see that repeatedly bringing it up isn’t actually giving me peace anymore, and I don’t want my need to process what happened to unintentionally keep the conflict alive in my marriage either.

I guess my question now is to figure out how I can eventually get myself to stop mentally revisiting everything and trying to make sense of it, and not impacting my marriage.

Thank you again for taking so much time with this. Your perspective has genuinely given me a lot to think about.

Nea

Hi Anita,

Yes, exactly. Like you mentioned, in a healthier family dynamic, a sit-down might actually lead to some accountability, understanding, or at least a conversation about how to move forward. Unfortunately, that has never really been how things work in my family.

We’ve never had proper sit-downs after conflict. Things usually get pushed under the rug, or my dad eventually acts like everything is fine again without really acknowledging what happened. Even after very extreme fights in the past, there has rarely been any real accountability. I also feel like because he has always had the financial authority in the family, that has sometimes been used almost like a form of control, and now it feels like that same dynamic is showing up verbally too.

I have talked to my mom and sister, since they’re the only other people here. My sister has been supportive and keeps telling me she’s here for me and not to worry. My mom is supportive at times too, but she has also been on the receiving end of a lot of my dad’s behaviour over the years, so I think her response is shaped by that. Sometimes she’ll say to just avoid him, keep the peace, or let things be, and other times she’ll suggest maybe we should say sorry, but that it’s up to us.

So unfortunately, I think the answer from them would probably be to keep some distance and avoid more conflict rather than actually address the issue. That seems to be the pattern.

My dad also goes back and forth with me. Sometimes he’ll soften and remember that I’m pregnant and ask me something or act normally, but then it seems like he gets angry again because I haven’t apologized or my husband hasn’t apologized, and he becomes cold again. That hot-and-cold behaviour is part of what is making everything feel so exhausting right now.

Nea

Hi Alessa,

Thank you so much! 🩵 I’m feeling excited about the birth and definitely nervous too. It’s such a big new chapter, so I think there are naturally a lot of emotions that come with it. Hopefully, within the next two months or so, we’ll be able to move back into our own place, which I think will make a big difference.

You’re so right about the sleep deprivation as well. I’m actually going to talk to my husband about that so we can both be more conscious of it during the newborn period. I think it will be important for us to mostly stay in our own space within the house and focus on ourselves and the baby. If we’re already exhausted and adjusting to having a newborn, unnecessary interactions with my dad could potentially make an already tense situation worse, so being mindful of that beforehand is probably a good idea.

Thankfully, we do have backup options if we ever genuinely felt we needed to leave. His brother is here, and we also have close friends we could stay with. And, of course, if it really came down to it, we could always get a short-term rental. I’m hoping we don’t have to do that, though, because there is already so much involved in getting settled and figuring things out with a new baby. Being in between homes during that period would probably be quite difficult unless we were able to go directly back to our own place.

For now, I think we’ll just take it day by day, keep some distance, and be very aware of how things are feeling in the house. I really appreciate you bringing that perspective up because it’s something worth thinking about before we’re actually in the exhaustion of the newborn stage. 🩵

Nea

Hi Thomas,

Yes, thank you for sharing that. I feel similarly in that I would much rather choose peace, walk away, and create some space than continue an argument just to prove a point or feel like I’ve “won.”

My husband is a little different in that regard, so it has been difficult at times to explain that perspective to him. He is slowly understanding it, but I also recognize that personality plays a big role. I can’t necessarily expect him to react exactly the way I would, especially when he feels he is being disrespected.

My husband can usually cool down afterward and eventually resort to being civil. Unfortunately, my dad has a much harder time doing that and can hold onto a grudge for months or even longer. If he chooses to continue doing that now, I think it will inevitably create an even greater distance between us.

Especially being this pregnant and so close to such a major change in our lives, I would have hoped my dad could put some of the anger aside and have a little more understanding of the bigger picture. If he ultimately chooses not to, though, I think I have to accept that I can’t force him to handle things differently. Sadly, the consequence may simply be that our relationship becomes more strained and distant over time.

Nea

Hi Anita,

Thank you so much for sharing this with me. I’m really sorry you had to experience that, especially from such a young age and then again as you were trying to build your own adult life. I am glad that you eventually reached a point where you were able to stand your ground and physically show her that she could no longer treat you that way.

I think that’s the dilemma I’m still working through right now. Part of me can see my dad’s behaviours for what they are and recognize that they aren’t healthy, but another part of me is still struggling to truly understand the why and how behind them. I find myself wondering how someone can love their family and yet behave in ways that hurt them, and then have such a difficult time taking accountability afterward.

With my baby coming, it has also made me think much more seriously about what kind of involvement I actually want him to have in my child’s life. One of his patterns has always been to be very financially generous or throw money at things, but then there can be an expectation of a certain level of loyalty, deference, or almost “royal treatment” in return.

I think what I’m trying to figure out now is how to create genuine distance from the toxicity without feeling like I have to completely stop loving or caring about him. And how to make decisions about my child based on the kind of environment I want her to grow up around, rather than simply continuing the family dynamic I grew up accepting.

Thank you again for sharing your experience and for your kind words. It really does mean a lot, especially hearing from someone who understands how complicated these relationships can be.

Nea