Hi Anita,

First, thank you for what you said about the maturity and insight I’ve brought to these conversations. That genuinely meant a lot to me, especially during such an emotionally difficult few days. I can also see how much time you take out of your own day to respond thoughtfully to me and to others here, and I truly find that inspiring. If I knew you in person, I would honestly love to take you for coffee and bring you flowers just to thank you for listening to me and helping me process all of this these past few days. So, for now, please accept some virtual flowers instead 💐🌷

It’s been a very emotionally and mentally heavy day, but I do understand what you meant when you mentioned stress. My background is actually in healthcare, so I understand where you were coming from. I think after the last few days, though, I really want to make a conscious effort to reduce the amount of stress I’m carrying, especially this close to having the baby.

I think part of what has been difficult is finally seeing some of these dynamics for what they are, while also accepting that seeing them clearly doesn’t immediately make them easier emotionally.

There’s also the situation with my husband. I love him, and I understand why he feels the way he does. But my anxiety keeps pulling me toward trying to preserve some kind of family peace. I find myself asking him to stay neutral, say hi, or maintain some basic interaction with my dad. He has told me that at family occasions he can be civil and respectful, but right now he doesn’t want to go beyond that or pretend everything is okay. I think I have to learn to accept that boundary rather than repeatedly trying to convince him otherwise simply because the distance between them makes me uncomfortable.

Interestingly, the serenity prayer you shared — about accepting what we cannot change, having the courage to change what we can, and having the wisdom to know the difference — is something my dad himself used to say quite often. There is almost an irony in that for me now. I think he understands certain ideas intellectually but doesn’t necessarily recognize when they apply to his own behaviour.

Even over the last few days, he made a face toward my husband during one interaction and then removed himself from another family group chat. Those things may seem small individually, but they reinforce for me that he is still reacting in his own way rather than trying to repair anything.

I think what I’m struggling with now is accepting that perhaps there isn’t something for me to fix between them. I can love my dad, acknowledge the things he has done for me, love and support my husband, and still recognize that their relationship is ultimately theirs. Maybe my responsibility now is not to manufacture peace between them, but to stop carrying their relationship around in my own head and trying to manage everyone’s reactions.

I understand that logically. I’m just trying to figure out how to actually live it, especially when my anxiety keeps telling me that if I don’t intervene, the family will never feel normal again.

Nea

Hi Anita,

Hope you had a good day overall! 🙂

It was really interesting to learn about the childhood rescuer role and adult differentiation. I can definitely recognize some of that in myself. As a child, and honestly throughout much of my life, I often tried to keep everything together. I would apologize even when I hadn’t done anything wrong, walk on eggshells, and adjust myself to manage my parents’ emotions — both of them, but especially my dad.

That continued well into my 20s. It’s really only recently that I’ve started trying to stay in my own “emotional lane,” as you described it. I think that’s partly why this situation feels so uncomfortable and anxiety-provoking right now. It isn’t what I’m used to. Letting my dad remain angry, not trying to resolve it for him, and keeping some distance while we’re still living in his house feels incredibly awkward. My instinct is still to somehow make everything okay, even though I’m starting to understand that it isn’t necessarily my responsibility to do that.

And yes, my husband truly did see my dad as a father figure. He really looked up to him. He would try to do things for him, especially emotionally, and I think for a long time he genuinely tried to see the best in him. My dad may have viewed my husband as a son too. At the same time, I’ve seen my dad develop similar intense attachments with other people, even people who initially were essentially strangers. He can begin viewing someone almost like family, give a lot emotionally or financially, and then if he feels disappointed or hurt, things can swing to the other extreme — anger, disappointment, or completely cutting the person off. So I think there may be more to that pattern as well.

When I think about what “temporary safety” meant for me, I think it was peace — everyone somehow getting along, even if it was only on the surface. It was also this need for my parents, and especially my dad, to see me as a “good daughter.” Their words and their disappointment could hurt me so easily, so I spent a lot of time trying to make sure I wasn’t the cause of anyone being upset.

But I’m beginning to realize that no matter how selfless I tried to be or how much I tried to keep everyone happy, I couldn’t control my dad’s narrative of me. If he decides to see me a certain way, I may not be able to change that. I think accepting that is painful, but also important.

So now I really need to learn how to focus on myself, my own family, and my own emotional lane — without feeling that I have to fix everyone else’s feelings in order to feel safe.

Nea