My post from earlier:
Good Saturday Morning, Nea:
I want to start by appreciating the clarity, maturity, and emotional insight you bring into these conversations. You think deeply, you integrate new ideas thoughtfully, and you’re able to look at painful dynamics with honesty rather than defensiveness. That level of reflection is rare, and I value it.
“I’ve seen him put so much energy into friendships. Many of those friendships eventually end after some conflict or behaviour, and then new ones take their place… I even saw something similar with my husband. Their relationship felt very different in the earlier years, but the dynamic changed significantly over time, especially once work became involved… they once had a genuinely close relationship”-
My understanding: his relationships can last only as long as the other person continues to reinforce or mirror his preferred identity: central, respected, admired and unchallenged. This is why early friendships feel warm and invested, and why his early relationship with your husband felt close.
He feels warm emotion, but it comes from ego gratification. It is warmth rooted in how he feels about himself, not in how he feels about the other person.
His internal sense of self is very fragile, a low tolerance for shame, or for being wrong. He cannot tolerate equality, disagreement, accountability, or emotional complexity.
The moment a relationship requires genuine empathy, shared responsibility, or the ability to repair conflict, his emotional structure collapses. He becomes defensive, volatile, violent, or blaming, and the relationship deteriorates or ends.
When the other person stops admiring him, disagrees with him, or no longer serves his image, the relationship deteriorates and is replaced with a new one.
The same dynamic explains the shift with your husband: the early closeness felt real to your husband, but for your father it was conditional— based on admiration, harmony, and being seen as central or respected. Once work entered the picture, introducing hierarchy, responsibility, and the possibility of criticism, your father’s strategic restraint collapsed, and he reacted the ways he did.
His affection depends on the other person mirroring him, not challenging him, admiring him, keeping him comfortable, and reinforcing his preferred identity. Once any of these conditions change, the affection collapses.
Anita
