Home→Forums→Relationships→When family dynamics you grew up with become unacceptable in adulthood
- This topic has 143 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 2 days, 5 hours ago by
Alessa.
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August 17, 2026 at 10:01 pm #460445
NeaParticipantHi Anita,
I look forward to hearing more from you.
Hope you had a good day. 🙂
Nea
August 17, 2026 at 10:18 pm #460446
anitaParticipantOh, my goodness, Nea.. I forgot to get back to you this morning? That’s so unlike me… I’ll write more in a moment.
August 17, 2026 at 10:56 pm #460447anitaParticipantHi Nea:
I apologize. I was wondering today why you didn’t reply to me. I totally forgot that I wrote “Back 2 U in the morning” at 11:48 pm last night. Red wine last night and I forgot. And I wondered today if our communication was too much for you and you withdrew.
The quality and intensity of what we’re talking about is something else. I don’t come across people like you. I’m so glad you posted tonight, to let me know you’re still here.
Back to your last night post:
“And yes, my husband truly did see my dad as a father figure. He really looked up to him. He would try to do things for him, especially emotionally, and I think for a long time he genuinely tried to see the best in him.”-
And he did so as an adult. Imagine how much you- as a little girl- looked up to him, would try to do things for him, genuinely trying to see the best in him (your father).
In a way, your husband, as an adult, experienced what you did as a child, condensed in a short time.
I will make a big note on my screen to get back to you tomorrow.
Feel free to post more, I’ll still be at the computer for a little while.
Anita
August 17, 2026 at 11:02 pm #460448
LuParticipantNea, I’ve been reading along and want to add one small thing from my own family experience. The shift for me came when I stopped waiting for the sit-down that was never going to happen. Like your dad, mine never did accountability — things got swept under the rug until he decided they were over. For years I read that as “it’s resolved.” It wasn’t. It was just buried.
What actually helped was much smaller than any confrontation: I stopped expecting the conversation to repair anything and started protecting the hours around it. Shorter visits. An exit I didn’t have to justify. Not announcing every decision in advance.
You’re about to need every bit of your energy for yourself and your baby. Your family may never become the family you deserved growing up — that grief is real. But you get to decide how much peace each visit costs, and pay less.
August 18, 2026 at 12:15 am #460449NeaParticipantHi Anita,
No worries!! I just thought I’d reach out just in case since I really enjoy our conversations, they provide me with an interesting perspective. I’ll add more after I hear from you again. 🙂
Nea
August 18, 2026 at 12:22 am #460450NeaParticipantHi Lu,
Thank you for sharing this. What you said about things not actually being “resolved,” just buried, really hit me because that’s been such a pattern in my family too.
I think part of what’s exhausting me is still hoping for a sit-down or some accountability that may never come. Your point about shorter visits, having an exit, and protecting my own peace really helps — although it’s definitely easier said than done because this is not something I’m used to at all.
Right now, living under their roof makes it even harder because there’s this constant feeling that we’re the ones who are supposed to apologize and make things right, especially culturally because they’re older. I’m trying to unlearn that idea that respect automatically means I have to be the one who bends.
With my own family unit growing, I’m realizing I don’t want to keep organizing my life around someone else’s anger or moods. Your line about deciding how much peace each visit costs, and paying less, really stayed with me.
Nea
August 18, 2026 at 8:11 am #460457
AlessaParticipantHi Nea
Sorry for the delay in replying. It’s been really busy at home with a toddler, studying and stomach flu. 🩵
How are you doing? Are you all set for your birth plan? 🩵
That’s so great to hear that you are very close to going back home and have a back up option in the meantime.
For sure, mixed emotions are understandable it’s a massive life change that you’re navigating. 🩵
I think you’ve done a great job thinking everything through.
I agree with you about not needing to apologise first. The living situation is not ideal without the stress. It’s unfortunate that things haven’t worked out, but it’s not you or your husband’s fault.
I forgot to answer your question before if having a child changed my relationship with my parents. Not really, but I do find myself thinking of my child when making decisions. How much do I want them to be around certain people? Bearing in mind especially that I feel like constant contact is beneficial for children. It can be confusing for children with complicated families, to occasionally see family members especially when you live nearby. But I guess it depends on how much drama is communicated with the child.
My relationship with my mother had been strained for a while before the baby. I gave her another chance because I didn’t want to deny her a grandchild. She didn’t really take an interest because I refused her looking after my child alone, since there were safety concerns (she has refused to take kids to the hospital when needed before). In the end, I decided to let her lack of interest end the relationship. She just stopped texting back.
It is a shame, but I’m okay with it because I feel like no contact is easier for a child than infrequent contact. I wouldn’t want him feeling like she didn’t care about him.
August 18, 2026 at 10:44 am #460460anitaParticipantGood Tuesday Morning, Nea 🙂
“There’s this constant feeling that we’re the ones who are supposed to apologize and make things right, especially culturally because they’re older”-
Culture that says: respect your elders no matter how they behave is the perfect setting for a no- accountability, safe and socially protected environment- for abusive elders.
I am reminded of the examples you gave me some time ago of the words your father used against your husband. The repeated F word comes to mind (using my phone, I can’t go back and look at them)-
Not befitting an elder.
Respect should be a 2 way street, a basic human ethic. Not a circumstantial variable where a child (your father as a boy) was disrespected/ abused by his elders, and then grows up to disrespect/ abuse his own children because now, it’s his turn.
If this is culture, then it’s a culture of generational cycle of disrespect and abuse.
Can you imagine you or your husband continuing this cycle by using the F word against your daughter, charging at her, threatening to hit her or kick her out of the house (.. but only if she ‘deserves’ it and needs to be put in ‘her place’)?
Anita
August 18, 2026 at 4:06 pm #460470NeaParticipantHi Anita, good to hear from you! 🙂
Yes, you’re right. I think that cultural and generational cycle of expecting younger people to tolerate abusive or intimidating behaviour simply because someone is older really does need to stop. Respect should go both ways. And now that I’m about to have my own little girl, I genuinely cannot imagine ever swearing at her, charging at her, threatening her, or making her afraid of me and then saying she caused my reaction.
I think where my mind still struggles is jumping ahead and wondering what this means if my husband and dad never really repair things — holidays, special occasions, the baby, and whether other family members will think my husband should have just backed down because he’s younger.
But I keep reminding myself that while my husband could have disengaged earlier, that still doesn’t make the verbal abuse and physical intimidation okay. And I can’t ask him to apologize or initiate friendliness just because my dad is older, especially when my dad hasn’t made any effort toward accountability.
At the same time, my husband hasn’t asked me to cut my family off or said he’ll never attend anything. His boundary is more that he’ll be civil and present, but he doesn’t want a relationship with my dad unless there is some acknowledgment that what happened crossed a line.
So I’m trying to accept that this may simply be where things are for now and focus my energy on the baby instead of forcing a resolution. I think it will always be painful because he is still my dad, but I also know I don’t want to keep repeating the same cycle anymore.
Nea
August 18, 2026 at 4:09 pm #460471NeaParticipantHi Alessa, no problem at all! I’m honestly so grateful you still took the time to reply with everything you have going on. I hope you’re feeling better and that things settle down a little for you soon. 🙂
And thank you for asking about my birth plan! It’s ready now and things are slowly coming together. Emotionally, I’ve really had to keep reminding myself to bring the focus back to me, my baby, and the family my husband and I are creating. She’s coming into a home where her mom and dad are so excited for her and love each other, and I really want that to be where my energy goes right now.
I’m also really sorry to hear about what happened with your mom. No matter how much we understand or accept the reality of a parent, I think there’s always some sadness there because they’re supposed to be our safe people. And once you have your own child, I can imagine those feelings become even more complicated.
I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said about grandparents and relationships with children too. I’ve told my parents that their bond with my daughter is ultimately going to depend on the effort they choose to put into it as well. I can’t constantly be the one packing everything up and bringing her over every weekend or doing all the work to maintain that relationship, especially if there continues to be rigidity or tension. I want her to have a strong sense of family so badly, especially because neither my husband nor I have a huge family to begin with, but I’m realizing I can’t control everything or create relationships on other people’s behalf.
I think the most I can really do is be the best parent I can be, give her a safe and loving home, and make sure she grows up knowing she has a mom and dad who are completely there for her. I’m trying to keep reminding myself of that whenever everything else starts feeling overwhelming.
Nea
August 18, 2026 at 5:32 pm #460472LuParticipantNea, the part about respect automatically meaning you bend is the whole knot. I grew up with the same rule, so unlearning it felt like being disrespectful at first, almost like cheating somehow. What helped while living under the same roof was practicing small refusals that had nothing to do with the big fight, like what time we eat or which chores are mine. Low stakes, but they teach your body that a no does not end the world. The cultural weight is real. You are not disrespectful for having limits, especially now that you are building a family of your own.
August 18, 2026 at 9:49 pm #460475anitaParticipantHi Nea, good Tues night:
Your daughter is fortunate to have two parents with her best interest in heart, even before she’s born!
You mentioned your concern about future holidays and special occasion before.
I wonder if those meant a lot to you growing up, maybe those were safe times when your father was on his best behavior?
Yes, your father’s verbal abuse and physical intimidation was not okay. And seems like he feels no guilt about it.
Your husband sounds reasonable. I can’t blame him for…
* Wait, warning: this may sound crude because I am using a word your father has used as part of his verbal abuse: “bi***”)-
I can’t blame your husband for not wanting to be your father’s bi***.
The idea of it enrages me because I was my mother’s bi***: someone who looked down at the floor and did not protest when she abused me verbally and physically.
I’ll continue shortly.
Anita
August 18, 2026 at 10:29 pm #460476anitaParticipantHi again, Nea:
What coercive control is, in general: (1) Taking away choices — the controlling person decides what you can do, say, or think, (2) Using fear to get compliance — threats, yelling, and intimidation, (3) Silencing you — ‘you don’t talk when I’m talking,’ etc., (4) Making you doubt yourself — twisting reality, blaming you, or making you feel wrong for normal reactions, (5) Monitoring or controlling your movements — deciding where you go, who you see, or how you behave, (6) Punishing independence — anger or consequences when you show autonomy.
Nea: “My dad began swearing, calling him names, repeatedly emphasizing that it was ‘his roof,’ and eventually physically advancing/charging toward him… And yes, there has been a lot of name-calling directed at me personally over the years. I mean actual swear words and degrading language—being called a ‘bitch,’ being told to ‘shut the fuck up,’ ‘get the fuck out of my house,'”-
Again, the words of the song “What’s love got to do with it?” come to mind. And I would add: What does culture has to do with it?
Anita
August 19, 2026 at 5:50 pm #460499NeaParticipantHi Lu,
I completely agree. I think that’s exactly what I’m trying to unlearn now — that respecting someone older means I have to bend, stay quiet, or be the one to repair things no matter what happened. It really does feel uncomfortable at first because it goes against what I grew up with, but I’m realizing having boundaries isn’t disrespectful. Especially now that I’m building my own family, I want respect to go both ways.
Did you ever worry that changing those patterns would create a bigger family rift? I think that’s the part I’m struggling with most — knowing I need boundaries but being scared of what they might change long-term.
Nea
August 19, 2026 at 5:54 pm #460500NeaParticipantHi Anita!
What you shared is really insightful, and I do understand what you mean about not wanting to repeat those patterns.
I think holidays have always meant a lot to me because, growing up, they were times when everyone came together, including my extended family. It wasn’t necessarily that my dad was always on his best behaviour, but usually the atmosphere was okay and everyone was together, enjoying the Christmas spirit and spending time as a family. I think I’m grieving the possibility of losing some of that.
At the same time, I’m realizing that maintaining family closeness has to go both ways. I’m very pregnant right now and I really need support, care, and emotional safety. The person giving me that most consistently is my husband. My mom tries when she can, and I know she carries her own trauma, but she also tends to give in to my dad or side with him in situations like this. That has always been difficult for me to understand given that so much of their 30-year marriage has involved abuse and they don’t really have much of a partnership themselves.
I think what you said helped me understand my husband’s position a little more too. He doesn’t want to fall into the same pattern the rest of us learned—backing down because my dad becomes louder, more aggressive, or intimidating. He wants to stand up for himself and make it clear that verbal abuse and physical intimidation aren’t acceptable, regardless of age or culture.
And as painful as this whole situation is for me, I don’t want to pressure my husband into accepting behaviour that I myself know has hurt me for many years just because the person doing it is my father.
Nea
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