Hello Anita,

Thank you 🙂 I really appreciate how you framed this, especially the distinction between integrity and trying to keep the peace at any cost.

I do think one of the hardest things for me has been accepting that I can’t pressure my husband into tolerating behaviour that I know has hurt me for many years simply because the person involved is my father. I also agree that having everything happen in my father’s home, where he very much has that “my house, my rules” mentality, creates an added power dynamic.

I think part of why I keep questioning my husband’s role is cultural too. I’m South Asian, and there is definitely this strong expectation that if an older person, especially a father or father-in-law, says “enough” or “stop talking,” the younger person should simply stop. So I keep hearing versions of, “He’s older, your husband should have known when to stop.” And I do genuinely wonder whether my husband should have disengaged sooner once he could see how angry my father was becoming. From a de-escalation standpoint, perhaps that would have been wiser.

But at the same time, I struggle with the idea that because someone is older, another adult is expected to simply submit when they’re being told to shut up over what was initially such a small topic. I think that is where it became much bigger for my husband. He felt that he was being told, essentially, “I said enough, so you stop talking,” and that if he didn’t comply, anger and intimidation would be used to force him to.

There’s also a financial/cultural layer that makes me feel guilty. My parents have let us stay in their very nice home without paying rent, and we are genuinely grateful for that and have thanked them. We had actually wanted to contribute rent. But when we first moved in, my husband’s work situation was tied up with my father’s business and he was receiving very limited income, which my parents knew. We were also still paying a significant portion of our own mortgage and other expenses. My parents knew the whole situation and had asked us to stay with them.

So I struggle when the housing or financial support becomes part of the argument — almost like, “You’re living under my roof, therefore you should know your place.” I absolutely believe gratitude and respect are appropriate. But I don’t think receiving financial help means someone should have to tolerate being sworn at, called names, humiliated, or physically intimidated.

That’s why I’m trying to hold both things at once: perhaps my husband could have disengaged earlier for the sake of de-escalation, while also recognizing that continuing to speak does not justify what happened afterward.

Do you think that distinction is fair? I really want to look at everyone’s behaviour honestly rather than automatically defending either side, but I also don’t want cultural expectations around age, hierarchy, or financial support to make me minimize behaviour that I know I would consider unacceptable in any other context.

Nea

Good afternoon Anita 🙂

No, I really appreciate your perspective. It’s actually very helpful to have someone completely neutral to the situation explain it this way.

I think when you have a relationship with both people involved, especially when one of them is your parent, you naturally keep trying to rationalize things in a way that leaves room for empathy for both sides. But with this incident, and now especially as I’m about to become a mom myself, so much of my own past has been coming back up. I’ve been talking about this with my counsellor as well, and I’m realizing how difficult it has become for me to keep extending empathy toward someone who has never really changed, taken accountability, or acknowledged the impact of their behaviour. The kindness often seemed to exist on his own terms.

Financial security is obviously important, and I am grateful for what was provided for me. But when I look back, money was also something my father spent very generously on many people. He could be incredibly generous financially with relatives, friends, and others. So sometimes I struggle with the idea that the money itself represents this uniquely loving relationship with his children. Other people seemed to receive his financial generosity too, sometimes along with his time, warmth, and emotional empathy. With us, at times it felt like the financial support was simply part of being his children, while the emotional safety and consistency were missing.

He also used to say things like, “All this money is for you. Look at all the stress I go through for you.” But none of us asked for a mansion or for money to be pursued to the point that it consumed so much of his life. If having more and more means you aren’t emotionally present, aren’t happy with your family, and everyone is walking on eggshells around you, then at some point I question what all of it was actually for.

Another thing he has always said is that with family you can yell, swear, or behave however you want because “they’re family,” whereas you have to control yourself with outsiders. I’ve never understood that logic. Being family shouldn’t mean we are the people who are expected to tolerate the worst version of you.

And there’s an irony in it being so one-sided: he can yell or say hurtful things because “we’re family,” but if we raise our voices back, defend ourselves, or challenge him, suddenly it becomes disrespect.

So I do appreciate you challenging the way I was framing this. I think I’m starting to understand why I’ve spent so much time trying to find the part where everyone shares some responsibility, even in situations where that may not actually be the fairest conclusion.

Nea