Thanks so much Roberta, means a lot!! 😊❤️

Nea

Good afternoon, Anita ❤️

Thank you — I really appreciate your message and the way you explained that.

It’s definitely been quite the adjustment, and I’m trying to keep my attention on enjoying her while also recovering and getting as much rest as I can. It’s just sad that my mind keeps going back to the situation, especially because we’re still in the same house, so it’s hard to fully separate myself from it.

I also keep hearing different opinions about how my husband could still engage politely or take the initiative to introduce Grandpa to the baby, and I understand where people are coming from. But then my mind goes right back to: my dad could do that too. This is the biggest moment of my life. My husband has been nothing but supportive through the birth and now through my recovery — taking care of me, helping with the baby, and really being there for both of us. I think part of me still wonders, even seeing all of that, isn’t there some soft spot in my dad’s heart that could allow him to put everything else aside for a moment?

I think that’s the back-and-forth I’m struggling with most right now.

How have you been, Anita?

Nea

Sorry I meant spreading the news is so random to all his people** autocorrected it

Good morning, Anita ❤️

Thank you. And I’m sorry — her name is actually Maya. Autocorrect put the other name in my previous message. But yes, I’m very happy to share her name with you.

I think what you said about my father makes a lot of sense. His pride in having a granddaughter may be very real, but I’m struggling with the fact that it hasn’t translated into the kind of emotional closeness or softness I hoped Maya would receive from him.

Even right now, in the trenches of having a newborn, I hate that this is taking up space in my mind. It makes me so emotional, and I’m sure some of that is heightened by being postpartum too. I just wanted that warmth and emotional closeness from my family — not only for myself, but now for my daughter — and I don’t feel like I’m getting it in the way I imagined.

Maybe it will simply take me time to fully understand and adjust to what is, rather than what I hoped it would be. My heart hurts sometimes, especially now that I’m a mother myself. I find myself feeling so deeply for children whose parents make their lives harder, and for single parents or parents who are raising children without much support. Becoming a mom has made me look at all of these things through such a different lens.

And what you said about no longer wishing for the mother you wished you had really stood out to me. There’s something significant about reaching the point where you aren’t waiting for someone to become different anymore. I imagine that acceptance can carry grief with it, but also a kind of freedom.

Thank you, too, for what you said about strength — in me and in my husband. I’m trying to remember that strength doesn’t always mean not being affected by something. Sometimes I think it’s feeling all of it and still choosing what kind of family and emotional environment you want to create going forward. ❤️

Nea

Thank you, Anita ❤️

The way you put things is always so helpful to me because it helps me see things for what they actually are, rather than getting stuck in trying to figure out how they should be or why someone can’t respond differently.

Right now, I’m really just trying to focus on the baby and developing that cozy, safe little bond with her and enjoying this new bubble we’re in. But my mind still wanders ahead sometimes—to holidays, family gatherings, and what all of this means going forward—and I notice this weird anxiety come up. I have had generalized anxiety disorder growing up. Any suggestions on how to ease this feeling of anxiety?

I think part of it is because I’ve always been the person who eventually tries to restore the peace. Even when I’ve felt that I had to bow down a little or let something go that I didn’t necessarily agree with, my thinking has often been, “Whatever, it’s not worth all of this tension—let’s just move on.” The relationship might still remain somewhat distant afterward, but at least that uncomfortable energy and awkwardness would be gone.

This is the first time I’ve really been in a situation where I can’t control that outcome myself, because now it involves my husband too. If reconciliation or some kind of peace doesn’t come from him as well, I can’t force it, nor can I make that decision on his behalf. I think that loss of control over the usual “peacekeeping” role is probably part of what feels so unfamiliar to me.

My mind also keeps going back to the fact that my father has helped us financially and has done meaningful things for us—for example, helping us with our first home, which really was something he did for me. I do appreciate those things, and I don’t want to erase them or pretend they meant nothing.

But at the same time, I keep coming back to the fact that financial help and generous gestures don’t give someone permission to cross boundaries or treat people however they want. L

I think I’m slowly learning how to hold both truths at once without feeling like I have to somehow make everything okay again.

Nea