Home→Forums→Relationships→When family dynamics you grew up with become unacceptable in adulthood
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Alessa.
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August 28, 2026 at 1:10 pm #460682
anitaParticipantYou are welcome, Nea ❤️
Talking to you is helping me too, so thank you!
“My mind still wonders ahead sometimes… and I notice this weird anxiety come up… I’ve always been the person who eventually tried to restore the peace. Even when I’ve felt that I had to bow down a little… Let’s just move on”-
I think that the role of peace restorer, the one who bows down and moves on (without real resolution), gave you a sense of temporary comfort, a release of tension- in between crises- over the years, maybe decades..?
The “weird anxiety” may simply be about this long- term role suddenly not being exercised, and the temporary relief not being there.
What do you think?
About your father helping you and your husband financially- keep in mind, if you will- the bigger picture: he has helped many, if I remember correctly, friends and strangers alike, and that doing so is part of his social image- management.
I am not saying you (and all the recipients of his financial generosity) should be ungrateful for it. I’m just saying, see it in context of the big picture which includes his motivations, and his return-on-investment expectations.
Looking forward to your thoughts before responding further to the anxiety part.
🌿 Anita
August 28, 2026 at 7:47 pm #460687
NeaParticipantHi Anita,
Yes, I think you’re right about the “peace restorer” role. I’m realizing that for years, when there was tension or conflict, I would eventually be the one who softened, apologized, approached, or just said “let’s move on,” even if there had never really been any resolution. It gave me temporary relief because at least the atmosphere felt normal again.
So now that I’m not doing that — and I also can’t control whether other people repair things — I think my nervous system almost doesn’t know what to do with the unresolved tension. My mind keeps jumping ahead and trying to figure out how to restore everything, even though another part of me knows that repeating the same pattern would just bring temporary peace and leave the underlying issues untouched.
There’s also been another layer added that has made me really angry. I recently learned that when some family members tried to meet and “clear the air,” the conversation apparently turned into a list of criticisms about my husband — things about what he supposedly does or doesn’t do around the house, finances, and other petty or inaccurate things that really have nothing to do with the original incident. Then those comments were relayed to someone in his family, who confronted him about them.
I’m honestly furious about that. I live with my husband. I know our marriage, our finances, what he contributes, and the person he is. I have never claimed he is perfect — I have openly said that I think he should have disengaged sooner during the original argument, and I have absolutely called him out on things over the years. But that is completely different from sitting there while people paint an inaccurate picture of his character and then asking me, “Why are you defending him?” Of course I’m going to defend him when something being said about him is simply not true.
What makes me even angrier is the contrast. I grew up around genuinely serious behaviour — verbal abuse, physical aggression, domestic violence, intimidation — and so much of that eventually became normalized or excused, sometimes with the financial provision and generosity being held up as evidence of everything that had been done for us. Yet now relatively minor complaints about my husband are being collected and treated as evidence against his character. It feels incredibly backwards to me.
And your point about the financial generosity really resonates for that reason. I am grateful for the financial help we have received. I don’t want to rewrite that or be ungrateful. But I’m also increasingly able to see that generosity in a much bigger context. Money and generosity cannot erase the way someone treats people, and they also shouldn’t create an expectation that the recipient owes emotional submission, loyalty, or tolerance of behaviour they otherwise wouldn’t accept.
I think this new information has made me even angrier because I’m realizing that I don’t want to keep participating in a system where one person’s anger becomes everyone else’s responsibility to manage, while everyone else’s mistakes or imperfections get magnified. And I just had a baby, so I’m also frustrated that all of this family conflict is continuing to take up emotional space during a time when I want my energy to be with my husband and daughter.
So yes — I think the anxiety really may be partly the absence of that old “restore the peace and get relief” mechanism. The hard part now is learning to tolerate the tension without automatically fixing it, especially when I’m so angry about what is being said and how unfair it feels.
Nea
August 28, 2026 at 8:14 pm #460689anitaParticipantGood evening, Nea 🙂
I’m using my phone and just read a bit of your recent message of less than 10 minutes ago.
I’ll quote what I read, respond, and then read the next part, etc
“(The role) gave me a temporary relief… So, now that I’m not doing that- and I also can’t control… “-
I think that the role gave you some sense of control, of having some power, however modest, in the volatile environment you grew up in.
Giving up that sense of control, understandably would leave anyone more anxious.
“Another part of me knows that repeating the same pattern would just bring temporary peace”-
For a child in a volatile home, temporary peace is the best she can get, it makes life bearable, or survivable vs a never- peace scenario.
And what makes it survivable is not necessarily that there’s real peace, or that you have real control- but the feeling of peace, and the feeling, or perception of control.
I’ll continue next
🤔 Anita
August 28, 2026 at 9:04 pm #460691anitaParticipantContinued:
About your 3rd paragraph: So, some well- meaning family members tried to help move your father toward peace with your husband, and your father’s reaction- turn them against your husband.
It makes me angry, and I’m not even there.
4th paragraph: your father succeeded in turning family against your husband and they’re trying to turn you against him (against your husband)?
“What makes me even angrier…” understandably… The injustice, the hypocricy, the complete lack of honest reflection on the part of your father, plus his manipulative behavior- trying to turn family against your husband so to isolated him.
“Money and generosity can’t erase the way someone treats people…”- Financial generosity conditional on the two of you submitting to him in each and every way that fancies him, and to punish you if you don’t..is not generosity.
“Generosity” in this context is a euphenism.
“Money and generosity… shouldn’t create an expectation that the recipient owes emotional submission”-
I read this part after I wrote the above.
Again, transactional generosity is.. not at all generosity.
“The hard part now is learning to tolerate the tension…”-
I’m so sorry, Nea.
You don’t deserve ant of it, nor does your husband.. or your daughter, of course.
Anita
August 29, 2026 at 9:35 am #460703
RobertaParticipantDear Nea
Over the last 3 weeks you have explored mainly with Anita’s help the dynamics of your family’s past & how they are impacting still on the present situation.
May be it is time to look at how you can improve your family bubble ( you, your husband & daughter) so that the future is a much healthier & happier place. In one way you & your husband are lucky that having a newborn means that you have the perfect excuse to limit your interactions with others in the toxic environment, Also there is a physical end in sight because you will be moving back to your home … in the near future? My best tip is for the pair of you to practice loving kindness meditation around your daughter & at least to start of with to do it just focusing on those in your bubble. May I be filled with Loving kindness, May I be held in Loving kindness. may I be peaceful & at ease. May I be well. May I be happy . Then do the same for your spouse & then for your beautiful daughter Maya. Every moment that you & your husband feel peace love calm is a very precious gift to your daughter & your futures.
Kind regards
RobertaAugust 29, 2026 at 9:40 am #460704RobertaParticipantP.s This will fill your peace keeper gap & doing this meditation is something that is under your control, no body can stop you from doing this. You could do it whilst you are feeding Maya, you do not always have to put aside a time & place for this practice.
August 29, 2026 at 8:12 pm #460713NeaParticipantHi Anita,
Thank you for this. What you said about the role giving me a sense of control really resonated. I think that is exactly what it was. Growing up in such a volatile environment, trying to smooth things over or bring temporary peace gave me at least the feeling that I could do something. Even if it wasn’t real control, it made things feel more bearable. So now that I’m trying not to fall into that same role, I can really feel how much anxiety comes up when I have to just let the tension exist.
And yes, I also really appreciated what you said about temporary peace being the best a child can sometimes get. I think that explains why I kept repeating the pattern for so long. It wasn’t because the problems were actually resolved, it was because the relief of everyone acting normal again felt better than the ongoing tension.
It’s been an exhausting day. I think being so newly postpartum is heightening my emotions too, but I can’t help randomly crying about how differently all of this could have gone.
And yes, someone from my husband’s side was brought into the situation originally to try to help clear the air, but then my family shared more things about my husband that I know are either untrue, distorted, or taken completely out of context. That has made everything worse. Now it feels like everyone keeps coming back to my husband needing to apologize for things to move forward.
What you said about my father trying to turn others against my husband really hit me too. I don’t know if that is exactly how he consciously sees it, but the effect has been that my husband feels increasingly isolated and portrayed as the problem, while the original issue keeps getting buried under old grievances, money, favors, and character judgments.
And your point about “generosity” being transactional really stayed with me. I’ve been struggling with that because my father has always been very financially generous, and I do appreciate that. But I’m realizing more and more that if every gift, every dollar, or every form of support is later brought back up as evidence of what someone owes him emotionally, then it doesn’t feel like generosity anymore. It starts to feel like a ledger.
I’m honestly starting to lose sight of the original issue myself. Weirdly, I catch myself wondering, “Should my husband just apologize and end this?” because I’m so desperate for the tension to stop. But another part of me absolutely does not want him to apologize simply to restore peace, especially if that would reinforce the idea that the verbal abuse and physical intimidation were acceptable or somehow his responsibility.
I think that’s the old pattern in me showing up again — wanting someone to just give in so everything can feel normal. But I also know how temporary that kind of “normal” has always been.
I’m just so tired of the entire topic now. It has taken up so much emotional space during a time when I’m only a week postpartum and really should be focused on recovering, my husband, and our baby. I keep thinking about how this should have been such a joyful, peaceful time, and instead there is all of this conflict around us.
Thank you for understanding why this has been so difficult for me, and especially for putting words to the difference between real peace and the temporary feeling of peace I learned to create growing up.
Nea
August 29, 2026 at 8:45 pm #460714anitaParticipantNea, it’s so good to read from you this Saturday night 🙂
I wish you nothing but peace — especially now, only a week postpartum, when your whole world should be centered on recovery, your husband, and your baby.
About your father.. what you describe sounds like a pattern where he holds very tightly to his position, and others end up bending around him because he simply won’t. It’s a dynamic that has worked for him over the years, even though it comes at a real emotional cost to you.
I’m so sorry you’re carrying this at a time when you should be surrounded by gentleness.
I’ll write more in the morning.
🌿 Anita
August 30, 2026 at 12:10 am #460717NeaParticipantHi Roberta,
Thank you for providing this fresh perspective. I do feel guilty in some ways that I haven’t been as present as I would like to be with my baby because I’ve been spending so much emotional energy trying to understand these family dynamics and make peace with everything.
My husband has been very understanding over the years, but after the recent incident and everything that has unfolded since, I’m not sure exactly what these relationships will look like going forward or whether they can ever return to what they were before. Perhaps some of that change may ultimately be for the better, especially as I begin this new phase of life and focus more intentionally on the family my husband and I are creating together.
I really appreciate the loving-kindness meditation you suggested, and I’ll do my best to practice it. Sometimes, when we’re caught up in all the tangled webs of family history and conflict, it’s easy to lose sight of the bigger picture. Peace, love, good health, and being present with the people directly in front of us are ultimately some of the most important things of all.
Nea
August 30, 2026 at 1:21 am #460718RobertaParticipantDear Nea
I do the practice by repeating one phrase silently over say five times as a breathe slowly & deeply then move to the next phrase. As you get to know yourself better you might spend even a whole session just sitting with one phrase on occasions.
I strongly recommend that both you & your husband do the loving kindness practice, preferably together even if it is for just 10 mins a day to start with. It is a time of quiet bonding, deep understanding, it will help the you grow as individuals & a unit, start to heal some wounds, build resilience so that it is more likely for unconditional love to flow both in & out of your bubble & cleanse & act as a barrier to negativity.
This is not a quick & instant fix, but a good long term foundation to help you thru the ups & downs of life.
It is a process that starts with yourself & then works outwards in stages with specific categories & recipients, but for the moment it would probably be best to do it in baby steps so to speak.
Kind regards
RobertaAugust 30, 2026 at 9:56 am #460720anitaParticipantNea (Aug 29-30): “What you said about the role giving me a sense of control really resonated. I think that is exactly what it was. Growing up in such a volatile environment, trying to smooth things over or bring temporary peace gave me at least the feeling that I could do something… So now that I’m trying not to fall into that same role, I can really feel how much anxiety comes up… I’m just so tired of the entire topic now. It has taken up so much emotional space during a time when I’m only a week postpartum and really should be focused on recovering, my husband, and our baby… I really appreciate the loving-kindness meditation (Roberta) suggested, and I’ll do my best to practice it.”-
Good Sunday morning, Nea 🤍🌿
May I (Anita) be safe.
May I be peaceful.
May I be healthy.
May I live with ease.May you (Nea) be safe.
May you be peaceful.
May you be healthy.
May you live with ease.When you repeat the loving‑kindness meditation (mettā) for yourself, your husband, your daughter, and your father, it isn’t about changing relationships. It’s about changing your internal state — giving your body small moments of real peace.
Real peace is ease that comes from inside the body.
Temporary peace is the relief that comes from ending tension by bending, appeasing, apologizing, or making yourself small so someone else calms down. It feels like peace because the shouting stops and the room quiets, but it’s not safety — it’s just the absence of explosion.
Temporary peace often requires pretending the conflict is “over” or the harm wasn’t that bad.
Mettā doesn’t ask you to pretend. You can say “May I be safe” while fully acknowledging that your father’s behavior is harmful, that your husband is being unfairly targeted, and that the family system is dysfunctional.
Real peace coexists with truth. Temporary peace requires denial.
Your childhood taught: “If I bend, the tension stops.” Mettā teaches: “If I breathe, the tension becomes manageable.”
You’re postpartum, exhausted, and being pulled into a conflict you didn’t create. Mettā gives you a way to feel calm without sacrificing yourself or your husband.
Saying mettā for your father can be therapeutic only if the intention is goodwill from a distance — not responsibility, not appeasement, and not the old reflex of “If I make him peaceful, the danger stops.”
The key is wishing peace for his sake, not to fix the situation and not to protect yourself.“May he be safe. May he be peaceful. May he be healthy. May he live with ease.”- these phrases don’t imply closeness, forgiveness, or reconciliation. They simply express goodwill.
You can picture him far away — at the edge of a field, across a river, or on a distant hill. Not close, not in your space. This keeps your nervous system safe while offering goodwill. Then return to yourself: “May I be safe…” to remind yourself that your wellbeing is not dependent on his behavior.
You are not responsible for his emotions, his peace, preventing explosions, or holding the family together.
Mettā lets you offer goodwill without reenacting the old childhood role.🤍🌿✨ Anita
August 30, 2026 at 10:08 am #460721
AlessaParticipantHi Nea
Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry! I totally lost track of time and missed your message that you’d given birth to your baby girl. Or did she come early? I have been busy working on my final. Maya is a lovely name! 🩵 🙏
Wow, I’m so sorry there has been more family drama. It’s terrible that your family have started bullying your husband. The sad thing is that you’re only living there because you were mislead about things that didn’t work out. It’s not really a fair situation to be put in. I’m sure you wouldn’t have moved in if you knew how things would end up.
I hope it’s not too much longer until you can move back into your house?
I’m glad that your husband, mother and sister have been supportive. 🩵
You’re doing the right thing supporting your partner. I hope you get the time to yourselves that you really need soon, so you can focus on what really matters – your beautiful family. 🩵
August 30, 2026 at 2:50 pm #460723NeaParticipantHi Roberta,
Thank you so much. I tried this for a bit early morning and it was very comforting. Important to practice and keep focus on what I can control at least and this gave me a sense of empowerment, so thank you. ❤️
Nea
August 30, 2026 at 2:55 pm #460724NeaParticipantHi Anita,
Thank you for putting it this way, Anita. I really loved the distinction you made between real peace and temporary peace — I honestly hadn’t viewed it that way before, and it really resonated with me.
I think part of what has been confusing me is that another family member put the idea in my head that, given my postpartum state, if my husband truly cares about me then he should just put all of this to the side and let it go for now. And I understand where that thought comes from, because obviously I want less tension around me right now.
But then I remember what you said before about resentment, and I don’t want that either. I don’t want my anxiety to be relieved because my husband has to suppress how he feels, change his boundaries, or adapt his behaviour just to keep everyone else comfortable — only for that resentment to surface later in our marriage.
I think that’s the part I’m trying to hold onto: reducing my anxiety doesn’t necessarily mean making the conflict disappear at any cost. There has to be a way for me to find peace internally while also allowing him to have legitimate feelings and boundaries about what has happened.
And I do think the mettā mantras will help me with that — giving me something concrete to come back to when my mind starts spiraling, so I can work on creating that sense of calm internally rather than feeling like everyone around me has to behave a certain way for me to feel.
Nea
August 30, 2026 at 3:35 pm #460725anitaParticipantHi Nea 🙂
More later, but for now, about the family member’s advice — it’s emotionally understandable but not valid. Saying “if he truly cares, he should let it go for now” is basically encouraging your husband to abandon his boundaries, swallow his legitimate hurt, and pretend nothing happened. That would be self‑erasure, and it would damage the marriage long‑term.
What you are realizing — and articulating beautifully — is that your anxiety relief cannot come from your husband’s severe emotional sacrifice. It has to come from your own internal grounding, like you said.
Anita
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