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anitaParticipantJust want to let you know, Confused, that I am reading and will take some time responding (within the hour or so)
anitaParticipantHey ✨️✨️✨️ Confused:
After I submitted my first reply to you this Saturday morning, I ran the post I replied to through Copilot and he said that indeed you expressed assertiveness and agency, telling her (paraphrased), that she is responsible for her own reactions,and that she was blaming and trying to hurt you so that she may feel better,
But right after, your assertiveness and agency sort of disappeared into her feelings: “I imagined her angry and crying and I wanna hug her tight”.
You can read the post before this one (by the way, I often ask Copilot to explain things to me in the simplest language), and tell me if it resonates- or not. It’s okay either way.
🌿 Anita
anitaParticipantI am using the computer for a little while- quoting from Copilot:
“Emotional fusion (very simple definition)
Emotional fusion is when a person’s emotions get mixed together with someone else’s so strongly that they can’t tell where their feelings end and the other person’s begin.It’s like their emotional boundaries melt.
Emotional absorption (very simple definition)
Emotional absorption is when someone takes in another person’s feelings as if those feelings are their own — they “absorb” the other person’s distress, fear, guilt, or sadness.It’s empathy without a boundary.
The connection to self‑erasure (very simple explanation)
When someone fuses with or absorbs another person’s emotions, their own needs, feelings, and boundaries get pushed aside.
They stop asking:“What do I feel?”
“What do I need?”
“What is actually happening to me?”
Instead, they organize their behavior around the other person’s emotional state.
This is self‑erasure — the person disappears inside the other person’s feelings.
The simplest truth
Emotional fusion + emotional absorption → self‑erasure
Because when you carry someone else’s emotions, you stop carrying your own.”-Will be back using the phone
anitaParticipantHey 🙂 Confused:
Not really, I know JP for years as we frequented the same couple of places, one of which was the local taproom (now closed 😔). He mentioned that he’s from Greece and told stories many times. He’s also a known collectors of classic cars, by the way.
I feel better about her having apologized for those 2 words she used. Still, I no longer see her as the consistently gentle person I thought she was.
I think that you were spot on when you told her that she was looking for ways to blame/ hurt you so that she could feel better.
I also agree with you saying that you’re NOT the problem causing her all the issues. I guess her thinking is that if she gets rid of “the problem”, she gets rid of her issues..?
Yes, like a murderer blaming the victim for how they reacted 😔
“How we act is already within us”- I just had the positive feeling that I am reading the words of a wise man 👍
You are welcome, Confused, and thank you for being who you are consistently: kind, thoughtful.. and wise 👏
🌿 Anita
anitaParticipantDear Starlight ✨️✨️✨️
The title of your thread is “I don’t forgive”, well it so happens I don’t forget Starlight 🙂
Something about your emotional honesty is endearing to me.
Anita
anitaParticipantHey Dear Confused 🙂
I thought about you during my little outing this Friday evening because I was sitting across a Greek guy, much older than you though
“I don’t think I will ever find a person that gets me in so many ways”-
Well, she didn’t get you when she called you “a narcissist asshole”. Somehow, her calling you that- and assuming she didn’t take those words back since she used those words- bothers me.
I’ve communicated with you almost daily, often enough multiple times per day, and I know You’re neither a narcissist nor an asshole.
Imagine that you called her those 2 words.. Can you imagine saying those words to her?
I am sorry you are hurting, Confused 😔
🌿 Anita
anitaParticipantConfused, I hear how strongly you feel that you “caused” everything — but when someone’s moods swing sharply, it’s never only one person’s fault. You reacted to her shifts, and she reacted to yours. It was a dynamic, not a single mistake. And the fact that she removed the hide so you can see her stories shows she hasn’t fully closed the door; people don’t do that when they want total distance.
About what felt overwhelming or unstable: sometimes it’s not one big event. It can be the pressure of future plans, the fear of losing her, the intensity of the connection, or the emotional swings themselves. Your mind may have been trying to protect you from something that felt too heavy, even if you didn’t see it clearly at the time.
And about the lie — you didn’t ruin the relationship. You made a mistake because you were anxious and scared of losing her. That’s human. Relationships don’t fall apart from one moment; they shift because both people are carrying stress, fear, and expectations. You’re burnt out, grieving, and idealizing what you lost, which makes everything feel ten times heavier.
You won’t feel like this forever. Even if she doesn’t return, the pain won’t stay this sharp. You’re not stupid, and you didn’t destroy something magical — you were overwhelmed, and now you’re hurting. That’s all.
Copilot
(I’ll be back in a few hours)
anitaParticipantConfused, your message shows a few things at the same time. You’re taking all the responsibility for her anger, as if her mood swings only happened because of you — which is something people often do when they’ve been trying very hard to keep someone else emotionally stable.
You’re also grieving deeply, holding onto the connection you felt with her, which makes the sadness and burnout feel even heavier.
And the insight you had about ROCD is important: all that analyzing wasn’t about finding answers; it was about protecting yourself from pain. It’s possible that, in the relationship, your mind was trying to protect you from something that felt overwhelming or unstable.
None of this means you’re stupid or that you ruined anything — it means you were under emotional strain for a long time.
Copilot
* You can tell me what you think about the above, Confused 🙂(I’ll be back to the computer/ phone in a few hours) Anita
anitaParticipantGood morning, Dear Confused 🙂
I didn’t realize until recently that her moods could swing so sharply — from warmth to anger. You’ve always described her gentle side since December, so I assumed that warmth was consistent. But now I see it happened back in September, and again a few days ago when she called you “a narcissistic asshole,” and also in those moments you mentioned when she suddenly turned cold or distant during conversations.
It seems like, whenever her emotions changed like that, you responded by caring for her even more — doing things for her, trying to soothe her, trying to keep the connection. After this most recent swing, it makes sense that you’d feel tired and drained. Burnout can feel exactly like this: no energy, no motivation, no spark.
Does this resonate with you?
🤔 Anita
anitaParticipantHey Dear Confused:
Yes, I realized it was morning in Greece when for some reason I thought it was 4 am or so 🙂
I didn’t know you did so much for her.
“Calling me a narcissistic asshole?”- you mentioned it once before, yesterday maybe, or the other day. I put it out of my mind because it didn’t fit with my image of her. But now, I’m hearing it. Sounds.. just not right. The Confused I know is neither one of those things! From what you shared about her earlier, she seemed so gentle.
When she finally pulled away, she needs a reason that makes her feel justified, and not guilty — and the easiest emotional shortcut was to label you as the villain. She lashed out at you. Is it the first time she did that?
🤔 Anita
anitaParticipantHey 🌙🦉 Confused:
So good to read back from you this Thurs night here.
I don’t think you’re bipolar. I communicated before with someone so diagnosed and you never sounded that way at all. Your thoughts never rush ahead in that fast, fast way.
Are the two of you communicating at this time.. I wonder 🤔
anitaParticipantHey Dear Confused 🤔
I think what’s happening right now is that your mind is trying to jump between extremes — big visions of the future on one side, and fear of the void on the other. That swing is what makes everything feel confusing. When you’re in that place, the questions don’t have clear answers yet. They’re just signals that you’re overwhelmed.
Maybe the first step isn’t to “fix” anything, but to let things settle a little. When you slow down inside, your feelings get clearer. You don’t have to decide if it’s love, fear, or the void tonight. You don’t have to solve the whole relationship in your head. Just breathe a bit, stay steady, and let the dust settle.
We can look at it together, one piece at a time.
* 100 mph ≈ 161 kph, 65 mph ≈ 105 kph
🏍️🚗🏍️ Anita
anitaParticipantHmm Dear Confused 🤔
The image of a car speeding 100 mph and crashing comes to mind.
Loving her to the moon and back is 100 mph (don’t know in kilometers at the moment),
Slow down, Confused.. 65 mph is the limit here, on the highways 🙂. Drive slower, lesser chance you crash (the shutdowns).
I’ll continue using the computer.
anitaParticipantHey Dear Confused:
You got it 👍 Confused: “They come close- pulling away, they’re going away- U feel feelings.”-
Perhaps Confused is no longer as Confused 🙂
Love + Fear = the above quote.
“How can U say if U wanna be with someone before actually living with them?”-
– How can U say that you love her “to the 🌙 and back”, and that you’re “willing to do whatever it takes”, and at the same time, say something like:
‘I can’t tell if I want to be with you. I’ll figure it out after I live with you for a while.’
People say things at the heat of passion or desperation 🙂
So, would it be more accurate to say that maybe you will love her to the 🌙 and back someday in the future, that currently You’re very fond of her?
🤔 Anita
anitaParticipantDear Eva:
I’ve been thinking about your thread and about something important — your agency. By that I mean your ability to understand your own experience in your own way, and to decide what feels true for you. You’ve lived this relationship day by day for years. You know what it felt like, what you needed, and what you didn’t receive. That understanding comes from inside you.
You get to make sense of your own story in your own words, at your own pace. You get to decide what the patterns mean, what you want, and what “action” looks like for you now.
I trust your clarity. I trust your ability to see your experience from the inside. I’m here whenever you feel ready to talk again. No need to respond until you feel ready. I hope you’re finding a little calm wherever you are.
🙂🌿 Anita
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