Dear Young:

In your original post, there’s plenty of self-criticism, blame and judgment against yourself:

“There have been times when I’ve blamed myself so intensely that I think it may have even started affecting my physical health.”- that’s heavy self-criticism.

“Even if I accidentally glanced at another girl, I would start questioning myself: ‘Why did I do that?’ ‘I’m so disloyal.'”- that’s a moral judgment against yourself for something as ordinary as accidentally looking at someone.

“Now, because of what happened with Lucy, I’m starting to feel bad again.”-

What actually happened with Lucy? You didn’t flirt or pursue her. You simply became self-conscious and wanted to look good.

Yet you still felt guilty, which suggests you are blaming yourself for internal reactions rather than actions.

There’s plenty of self-blame in your original post, but a lack self-compassion. Nowhere did you say things like: ‘I’m only human.’, ‘Lots of people notice other attractive people while in relationships.’ or ‘I’m being too hard on myself.’

Instead, the post is organized around proving that you are innocent: “I’ve never flirted with anyone…” “I’ve never cheated on her.”, “I love only my girlfriend.”, “I wouldn’t have given (Lucy) a chance romantically.”

It’s almost like you’re acting as your own prosecutor and defense attorney at the same time.

What I had in common with you, Young, when I was young (🙂), is self-blame, prosecuting myself in my own mind, and lacking compassion for myself. Passing thoughts and feelings were evidence, to me, that I was guilty, unacceptable and a bad person, or could be.

In my story, this came about because I was really blamed a lot by my mother. She criticized not only my actions (or lack of actions), but my thoughts and feelings (those which she imagined I had), as well as magnifying any mistake I made to mean a moral failure. So, I took on ‘her job’, from an early age, and proceeded to criticize and negatively judge myself for thoughts and feelings that happened to cross my mind and heart, and I did it on a regular basis. It sure was exhausting.

Also, I suffered from OCD, obsessions and rituals, since about 6 years old, diagnosed in my 20s. Fast forward, I no longer fit the OCD diagnosis (a relief), and insight into my childhood helped significantly to reduce self-blame and increase self-compassion.

Of course, my story is mine, not yours, but I wonder if brings up anything for you?

It may be uncomfortable for you to answer my question or talk about your childhood (particularly here, on a public forum), and that’s okay. In that case, it may be helpful for you to explore it further elsewhere.

In any case, I would love to read from you again.

Anita

You are welcome, Nami.

I guess you got to know him much more during and after the breakup than you did during the relationship..?

I hope that you heal and recover from this painful experience and that you won’t let him back in (if he tries).

Please feel free to post here again, anytime you want to talk about this (or anything).

Anita

Dear Confused:

3 days ago, seems like the relationship was Calm and you felt Distant from her and No Spark (didn’t really miss her):

“Yeah, the relationship was going fine and idk what’s bothering me… Today she hinted that she misses me and I told her I miss her too, but when I thought about it, I can’t ‘miss’ anyone, and never have in my life. I did miss her when we broke up for a month tho, badly, so it’s weird..” (Oct 12, 2026)

On Dec 22, 2025, you shared: “This is indeed how I grew up and calmness equaled distance between my parents… which meant either distant or that a fight would break out soon, even with me. I did learn subconsciously that chaos/intensity = feelings, possibly love even and at times within my relationships I’ve felt like I crave some light ‘drama’ to feel ‘alive’.

“I’ve always believed that calm relationships = bad thing with no ‘spark’… When she would open up to me about her trauma and fears, I would feel this intense longing and empathy for her, wanting to hold her close and calm her/make all her fears go away.”

I figure that because you grew up in danger, adrenaline became normal, and calm was suspicious. When your parents fought — yelling, chaos, physical conflict — you felt awake, focused, charged/ activated- and that became your baseline.

So now, as an adult, when your girlfriend became emotional, scared, or unstable, it recreated that same adrenaline surge and you felt suddenly alive.

But when the drama stops and things get quiet (like it seems recently, 3 days ago), you feel empty. Without adrenaline, you drop into numbness or a depression‑like state. 

Growing up, your body learned: CHAOS = CONNECTION,

CALM = NOTHING.

With your girlfriend, emotional instability (like during the breakup!) recreates that same adrenaline surge, so you felt alive and engaged, but when the intensity stops, you drop into numbness or a depression‑like state because the “connection chemical” (adrenalin) disappears.

Children in chaotic homes often feel “connected” during fights because everyone is emotionally activated at the same time. So, with your girlfriend, emotional instability recreates that same “everyone is activated, everything is happening, I’m needed, I’m alert” feeling.

That’s why you feel alive during drama — it matches the emotional intensity of childhood.

What says Confused?

🤔 Anita

* Edit: Yes, says I (you were faithful, or at least, not unfaithful)

Hi again, Nami:

I’m rereading your 2 earlier posts as well as the 3rd. So, this is the sequence of what happened:

He stopped calling you and didn’t talk as much => You posted a sexual tweet just to make him jealous => He dumped you at the restaurant table while he was on a date with his new gf => He sent you a pic with him and her on a date -> He sent you a text saying he’s going to bed with her.

What happened first- him stopping calling and talking as much- suggests he was pulling away emotionally, losing interest, or becoming involved elsewhere.

His actions while at the restaurant and after, go far beyond simply ending a relationship. They were vindictive and cruel. And I’m sorry that they were, Nami 😔

If the goal was only to break up, he could have said, “I’m seeing someone else” and left it at that. Sending the photo and the message about going to bed with her appear designed to deliver maximum emotional pain.

And texting you about 2 weeks after the breakup, checking in without a follow-through, appear to be about him wanting to know if his efforts to maximize your emotional pain are still successful.

* What motivates him? Here are a few possibilities that are not mutually exclusive:

1. Revenge or retaliation- if he saw your sexual tweet as an attempt to make him jealous, he may have felt angry, humiliated, or challenged. Sending the photo with the new girlfriend and telling you that he was going to bed with her could have been a way of saying, “You tried to make me jealous? I’ll hurt you worse.”

2. Desire to feel powerful- some people feel powerful when they can strongly affect another person’s emotions. If he is an insecure person, seeing that he can make you jealous, hurt, upset, or desperate can temporarily boost his ego, make him feel powerful.

3. Validation-seeking- the later “Hi, just wanted to see how you’re doing” doesn’t seem aimed at rebuilding anything. Sometimes people reach out because they want reassurance that they still matter. In simple terms, he may have been checking: “Is she still thinking about me?” “Do I still have an emotional effect on her?” When you answered calmly and politely, there was nothing dramatic for him to engage with, so he lost interest.

4. Immaturity- some people simply do not know how to end relationships respectfully. Instead of saying: “I lost feelings and I’m seeing someone else,” they act out, show off, provoke reactions, and create drama. That doesn’t excuse the behavior, of course, but sometimes the explanation is less ‘master manipulator’ and more “emotionally immature person handling a breakup badly.’

5. Splitting people into winners and losers- some individuals approach relationships competitively. Instead of:
“We’re hurting and breaking up,” their mindset becomes: “I won. You lost.” Sending photos of a new gf and saying he was going to bed with her can be a way of establishing that ‘victory.’

Whether his motive was revenge, ego, curiosity, power, or immaturity, the common thread is a lack of empathy for you 😔🌷

What do you think, Nami?

Anita

Hi again, Sleipnir 🙂

Yes, it is frightening, isn’t it, to hear (or see) violence, and I’m sorry that you’re exposed to it on a regular basis.

Is there a way for you to request a relocation to a room farther away from this guy’s room?

🤔 Anita

Good Tuesday Morning, Sleipnir 🙂

In regard to talking to a doctor, you mean regarding your concern about your legs giving out?

🤔 Anita

Continued:

“growing up – becoming adul / procrastination – in connection to childhood trauma”-

The missing “t” in adul is in the “t” in trauma 🤔

What I see is 2 children (our mothers) never having matured into adults, not psychologically, having stayed children. But not healthy children. They’re stuck in their own childhood trauma and there has never been anything you or I could have done (in our separate lives, generations and countries apart) to heal our child-mothers (and.. what.. raise the right?)

Time to heal the “t” in trauma and fully claim the “t” in adult.

To grieve the mothers we needed but didn’t have and never will.

To feel that natural attachment, that longing for a mother: to not fight that longing anymore, not to judge it or try to get rid of it, but to accept it as natural, normal part of our emotional landscape.

And when you see your own troubled child-mother these days, to see her just as she is, someone who will not see you as you are, see what has hurt you for so long, what she has done that has hurt you so much. No matter what you say or do, she won’t.

As I see it, their hearts- so much of their hearts are covered by scar tissue from long, long ago (before we ever came into their lives)- and the result is that they have very little, if any heart for us.

No parent is perfect, of course, but what our mothers have in common is their extreme immaturity, the extreme extent of that scar tissue covering their hearts.

To fully grieve the mothers we never had and never will = healing.

Copilot (in regard to your yesterday’s post): “The most revealing part may be this: “I was expecting she’d done some thinking.” That sentence suggests hope. Hope that she had thought about what happened. In other words, he was still approaching her as if she might finally understand. That’s often what unresolved attachment looks like in adults.

“A detached adult might think: ‘My mother is incapable of acknowledging this. I already know how she’ll respond.’
Robi seems to have been thinking: ‘Maybe this time she’ll get it.’ And when she didn’t, he was devastated. That suggests he still had emotional investment in her response.

“He approached her vulnerably and said: ‘I’m still hurting.’ That’s fundamentally a bid for recognition. In plain language: ‘See me. Understand what happened to me.’ When people stop wanting connection altogether, they usually stop making those bids.

“If I truly believe someone cannot see me, cannot understand me, and never will, eventually I stop going to them for understanding. Robi doesn’t seem to have fully stopped.

“The shame is especially interesting. He’s saying: “I am ashamed that I went back.” Why? Because part of him believes he should have known better. Almost as if he’s having an argument with himself: one part says: ‘She’s never going to change.’ Another part keeps returning anyway. The shame comes from noticing that contradiction.

“What does this say about attachment? To me, the strongest evidence of attachment isn’t that he lives with her. It’s that he still cares enormously what she thinks. He is still trying to get something from her: recognition, acknowledgment, some version of: ‘Yes, it happened.’ ‘Yes, I hurt you.’ ‘No, you didn’t deserve it.’ And she appears unable or unwilling to give that.

“What’s heartbreaking in this post is that eight years after the writings you first shared, he still seems to be wrestling with essentially the same problem: ‘Why do I keep turning toward the person who cannot give me what I need?’

“What I see here is anger mixed with longing, disappointment, hope, and attachment. The fact that he kept returning after being denied, blamed, and laughed at does suggest that part of him remains emotionally tied to her and has not fully given up the wish that she might someday truly see him…

“The sentence that stands out most to me is this: “I even bought my mother one of his books.. then in 2024.. gave it to her as a Christmas present.” The message is something like: ‘Please understand what happened.’ ‘Please learn about trauma.’ ‘Maybe if you read this, you’ll finally get it.’

“That sounds less like a son who has emotionally given up and more like a son who still hopes to be understood.

“Then notice what follows: she doesn’t read it, he talks to her, she denies it happened, and later she says he deserved it. That’s a devastating sequence.

“The wound is not only: “My mother beat me.” The wound also appears to be: “My mother still cannot see what happened to me.” And that’s why the book matters so much. A person who has entirely given up on being understood doesn’t usually buy their parent a trauma book and hope they’ll read it. That act, to me, looks very much like a final attempt at: ‘Please see me.’ The tragedy is that she apparently didn’t.

“Healing may involve grieving a painful truth: “I wanted the parent I needed, but that is not the parent I have.” That grief can be devastating because it means giving up hope that the parent will finally say: ‘I see what happened.’ ‘You didn’t deserve that.’ ‘I understand why you were hurt.’ Many adults continue seeking those words for decades. For some, growth begins when they stop waiting. Not because what happened was okay. Not because the parent is forgiven. But because their life can no longer be put on hold awaiting an acknowledgment that may never come.” (Copilot)

Anita