Dear Eva:

I’ve been thinking about your thread and about something important — your agency. By that I mean your ability to understand your own experience in your own way, and to decide what feels true for you. You’ve lived this relationship day by day for years. You know what it felt like, what you needed, and what you didn’t receive. That understanding comes from inside you.

You get to make sense of your own story in your own words, at your own pace. You get to decide what the patterns mean, what you want, and what “action” looks like for you now.

I trust your clarity. I trust your ability to see your experience from the inside. I’m here whenever you feel ready to talk again. No need to respond until you feel ready. I hope you’re finding a little calm wherever you are.

🙂🌿 Anita

Hey Dear Confused 🙂

My guess is that now that she cancelled the trip to spend time with you in- person (Aug 9, was it, 11 days from now?), the immediate “threat” is gone, and she will calm down and return to the safer LDR mode.

Possibly, her stress level over the planned trip led to her overreaction of a few days ago 🤔

Maybe the two of you are more comfortable in a LDR.

What stayed in my mind ever since you shared it with me, a long while ago, is that you told her when she brought up an irl future together- that it’d be a wait- and- see kind of a thing, that the two of you will spend time together, and if it’ll work out, then you’ll spend more time together, and repeat, as in testing the relationship irl.

I imagine that this has put a lot of pressure on her, particularly given her insecurities, feeling like she has to pass a series of tests before feeling safe in an irl relationship with you 🤔

You wrote right above, 3 hours ago: “I told her I am willing to do whatever it takes… that I love her to the moon and back”-

Does this mean that if the two of you get together in- person, it’ll still be a day to day thing: see if the two of you are getting along before you decide if the relationship should continue?

🌿 Anita

How is Going Through Life 🤔

Hey Dear Confused 🙂

Truly a pleasure to read your message, makes me happy to read you say: “I stopped taking full responsibility and started seeing her more as an equal” 👏👏👏

Because it’s true.

I agree with your friend 👍

I am using my phone, but when I’m back to the computer, I will ask you know who what you wrote at the closing of your post in Greek.

6:30 am your time by the time I submit this post. I hope you sleep well 🌙🦉.

🌿 Anita

Confused, I hear you. You’ve been intensely attached to her for a long time, but going between feeling close and feeling very distant ( indifferent, numb), back and forth.

Now that she’s distancing, all you feel is closeness..? No more indifference to her?

Hey Confused:

I hear how much you are hurting 😢 and how deeply you feel for her.

Again, I don’t think that you broke her trust with that one lie. I think it’s more complex situation than that.

I hope things will become simpler in her mind as well as in yours.

I know that she has a special place in your ❤️. May that place become a peaceful place- even without contact with her (for now).

The Serenity Prayer is about the peace I’m talking about, the peace of mind and heart when you accept today (or this evening, your time) what you cannot change, one hour ar a time.

🌿 Anita

Hey.. Dear Confused:

I want to be honest with you because I care about both you and her.

Right now, the two of you are not good for each other. Not because either of you is bad, but because both of you are overwhelmed. Her fear and insecurity are very high, and your anxiety and sadness are very high too. When two people are in this state at the same time, the relationship becomes painful for both.

She is not well emotionally. Her reactions show she is scared, exhausted, and not thinking clearly. And you are not well either — you are crying, panicking, and feeling empty. This is not a healthy place for either of you.

You are not “unhealthy” as a person, but you are unhealthy for her right now, because she needs stability and calm, and you are too hurt and anxious to give that. And she is unhealthy for you right now, because her fear and mistrust make you feel desperate and broken.

This doesn’t mean the relationship was fake. It doesn’t mean you don’t love her. It means that right now, both of you are hurting too much to help each other.

The kindest thing you can do — for her and for yourself — is to step back and let both of you breathe. Let her calm her mind. Let yourself calm your mind. Later, when both of you are stronger, you can see what is possible. But right now, pushing harder will only make both of you suffer more.

I’m saying this with concern for both of you.

Anita and Copilot

Dear Confused:

You may be answering my last post as I am typing this one, but I figure I’ll honestly tell you what I think is happening. (I may ask Copilot for his opinion later, when I have the use of the computer).

I think that she had been a victim of some serious emotional trauma before she met you, as a child perhaps ( feeling betrayed, feeling like the unchosen one), and that trauma is currently activated.

That’s why she’s experiencing “derealization” (your word).

* Maybe her earlier life trauma led to her autoimmune disorder that has gotten worse recently, since her trauma is now activated.

You wrote a little while ago, that after you expressed love for her, “Now, Anita, I am questioning myself.. is it love, or is it an attempt to win her over and then I will shut down/ lose interest again”-

Now, here’s the thing, Confused: a traumatized woman (trauma caused before she even knew you existed, none of your doing) needs a stable, reliable love.

Your ongoing doubting that you love her and shutting down- has to be unhealthy for her. I don’t think she can handle a ‘maybe I love you, maybe I don’t’

Traumatized or not, it’s not easy for any woman to be okay with.

Your doubting your love for her, your shutdowns and reoccurring times of indifference to her are not your choosing, not your fault, but I think it cannot NOT hurt her.

Maybe the two of you can heal separately (professional therapy), and maybe, someday the two of you will get back together as stronger, confident individuals.

But now.. as difficult as it feels, think of leaving her alone. Maybe she’ll take the steps she needs to take so to heal. I hope.

What do you think, Confused?

Anita