Dear samy/ Girija:

How exciting to read from you again. I think that your very first post was on March 3, 2019. You were 23.. 7+ years later.. yes, 31 now. It’s Sat after midnight here. I’ll be back to you in the morning.

Anita

Hi Samy

It sounds like you’ve found your courage to me. 😊 Remember, courage isn’t the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. Good luck with your new job! It’s always unique settling in, but I’m sure you’ll figure it out. 🩵

I hope you meet some nice people and make some happy memories. 🙏

I think the trick to life is practicing gratitude. Taking any moment you can to enjoy and celebrate the small things. It’s not always easy to get into, especially when you’ve had a hard day. With practice it gets easier. 🩵

Good luck with everything!

Dear Girija 🙂

Mis-attunement I suppose means not paying enough attention to what the other person is saying, not only to the words, but the feeling behind the words, and rushing to offer interpretations and solutions before really listening.

And so, I want to truly listen to you.

“I am afraid of life and carry a belief that there’s a fundamental incompetence in me that might mess my life up”-

I can see how this belief leads to fear.

“The way he looked at me like I was adorable and intriguing”- I can see how addictive this can be.

And when you’re in a “cage of fear”, I can see how he gave you a temporary break from that cage.

“Only person she (the coworker) has to take care of is herself”- meaning, you feel that you need to, or have to take care of your mother? Other family members?

If so, that certainly adds weight to everything, as in any possible “incompetence” on your part harms those you’re “supposed” to take care of.

Am I understanding what you’re saying?

Have you been taking your family’s dysfunction as if it was something that you are supposed to fix?

“Trusting I’m not the problem”- I so wish to understand this sentence better.

I wonder if you were burdened all along, growing up and onward, by a belief that you’re supposed to fix things that wete out of your control, things you didn’t cause, things no child ( of any age) can fix?

I am asking because I really want to understand ✨️

“I don’t want to be that afraid anymore”- if you were free to worry only about yourself, would you be less afraid?

🤔 Anita

Dear Girija 🙂

Thank you for explaining more. I can hear how heavy everything feels for you right now — not because you’re carrying your mother’s problems, but because you’re carrying the fear that life can suddenly become unstable again. That fear makes everything feel bigger, and it makes you feel smaller. I understand why you say you feel weak. When someone has lived with fear for so long, it can make even normal challenges feel overwhelming.

What you shared about work makes sense too. When someone already feels unsure inside, being treated rudely or dismissed in meetings can shake confidence even more. It’s not that you’re not capable — it’s that your sense of self is fragile, so his behavior lands harder. And hearing that your teammates feel the same disrespect tells me this isn’t about you being “not enough.” It’s the environment. You didn’t imagine it. You didn’t cause it.

I can also see how leaving the team was both necessary and frightening. You’re starting over again, without the familiar patterns — even the unhealthy ones — and that can make the fear louder. You’re used to looking outward for stability, and now you’re trying to find it inside yourself. That’s a big shift. It makes sense that you feel unsteady.

When you say, “I want to know it’s not me,” I hear how deeply you want a solid place inside yourself — a place that doesn’t collapse every time life gets difficult. You’re not asking for perfection. You’re asking for a sense of being okay, of being capable, of being someone who can move through life without feeling like everything is a threat. That’s not too much to want.

I’m here with you as you sort through all of this. You don’t have to rush. You don’t have to prove anything. You can keep sharing at your own pace, and I’ll keep listening.

🌿 Anita

Dear Girija 🙂

I will respond to your recent post of 2 hours ago a little later. Right now I want to share with you my thoughts after reading through pages 2-7 of your previous thread (winter of 2022).

I think that you and I have a few things in common even though we grew up in different countries and 30 years apart (and please correct me if I’m wrong):

We both grew up in unsafe homes where our parents did not provide us with the emotional safety every child needs, the safety that allows a child to be carefree enough to develop a solid sense of self, a safety- within that allows you not only to survive life but to thrive, to find joy or at the least, contentment.

* Please let me know if I’m talking more about myself than about you.*

Anyway, with a fragile (not a solid- enough) sense of self, life is very, very difficult. The anxiety inside is very difficult to live with.

If this resonates, first thing I’d like to tell you is that none of this is your fault. There is nothing wrong with you. What you are experience is a direct consequence of growing up consistently unsafe, with no one solid to hold on to.

There’s also the issue of over- responsibility, feeling that others (beginning with our weak or ailing parents) need us and we’re therefore not free to branch out and live our own lives.

I am using my phone, but transferring to the computer, will continue there.

🌿 Anita