I’ve come back to this forum every few years. Now 31. So much has happened. Heartbreak, isolation, feeling used, choosing to leave the team and moving to a different one within our company. For the first time, I want to dare to be optimistic. What if I’ll be fine. Makes me cry even now as I type this. Courage, Competence, Confidence, they seem a bit out of reach. Mostly I drown in loneliness and fear. What ifs. What if I never find love, what if I fail at the new job. What if i’ll never find a stable landing place in life. But there is a small glimmer of maybe it’s ok. It’s just life. Love and heartbreak are 2 sides of the same coin. It happened. I’ve watched so many reels that heartbreak teaches boundaries, or that maybe he was a narcissist. For the longest time i spiralled over that. But now I know, there is no revenge or karma that will make me feel better. The only thing that will help me is seeing myself get better. Healthier, more confident, less vulnerable, less broken. I’ve spent most of my life with a fear of the future and suddenly that future collapsed. Starting from 0 again. The man i thought would protect me left. It was never right, I wish i was more logical. It was not even a relationship just emotionally messy. A married coworker at that. I feel ashamed typing that. I would never justify an affair but it wasn’t one. He was just reassuring, validating, flirty at times. I took him for a soulmate. Someone who finally saw me. Was shattered when i realized he was hanging out with another coworker as well. Maybe he was manipulative. Doesn’t matter. Those were my choices. Now my latest choice. Leave. Extremely painful. To remove him from my life. He already left me but casually comes back in as he wishes. Maybe it’s because we never said it was anything more. So he calls me a friend. But it shouldn’t matter. I lost 2 years to the heartbreak, following him into different teams. All it did was affect my ratings. From top performer to meets expectation. I wasn’t focussed on my career but now i think I never had a true focus. I was just desperate to ease out the dread and pain. That which is older than my time with him. I had to break this hard to finally confront the fear and see what the fear threatens me of is much more bearable than the consequences of trusting the fear and acting. Even if not consciously. I want to be grounded and happy. And hopefully find real love. Not even love, find the life I’m meant to live. The direction and pull that others seem to have. I want to find that. I don’t want my life to be just maintenance. I pray that i find what is meant for me. Never hurt and humiliate myself, waiting for a man to chose me.