Hi Roberta

That’s amazing and exactly what I’m getting at or trying to as well. Be mediocre! Thank you! The new team has given me a chance to be a new version of me which I’m now creating.

Girija

Hi Anita,

Thank you for checking on so many occasions. I am doing fine. How are you?

In a way we were relieved for my grandmother. She suffered multiple strokes last year and was bed ridden. Being fed through tubes. But she lived to see great grand kids. Always enthusiastic to cook and participate in rituals. At the same time she saw a lot of pain. Son living in the US and all 3 daughters going through either domestic violence, financial trouble or poor health. It’s painful to see none of your daughter’s live peacefully.

I joined the new team last Tuesday. I am not exaggerating when I say it completely shifted me mentally. It’s like physically moving to a different building and knowing no one was what I needed for my brain to be done with the past. It does come up that I was used sometimes. But the sting is gone. I am grateful for that lack of noise in my head

My mother’s PET CT is done. Got the report today. All good. My chest loosened up if that makes sense

One old pattern that has come up is I pay attention to how the senior in the team might perceive me. If I fall short or come across incompetent. But something strange happened. I thought to myself i prefer the bad outcome over the torture of fighting my own mind over the fear of the bad outcome. I don’t care anymore. Maybe I am incompetent. Let them fire me. I can’t be this way. Measuring myself if I did enough to ensure I am not st fault. I did everything I could. Work should never be that way. For me to measure myself. I don’t want to. It’s just software.

Girija

Hi Anita

Thanks for recognising the growth

I loving being petty at times. So when I hear about him having sit through a work issue for 5 hours it makes me giddy. He’s devalued and disrespected some of us who really would have shown up for the team when there’s a mess. It’s also a great lesson for me for the future. The corporate may have a hierarchy but not a human. Our ego makes us believe that and compete over looks, skills. But those are just qualities. Every human has a place

I had a dream last night that was very telling. He says in a meeting oh yes since I’ll be travelling here’s the handoff. I was so unhappy with that. Not that I would miss him
But that he’s getting to take some time off. Like some soap opera villian part of me wishes him misery. It’s so nice to see that in a dream because I’m able to see where I have to let go.

About my mom. I just think that life is trying to beat her down. It’s unfair. I will never understand this disproportionate distribution of misery among humans

Girija

Hi Anita

Since chatgpt has all of my history, I practically use it like a therapist. I asked about Cinderella complex. It said that I have both the need for saviour but at the same time show the intent to turn my life around for myself. Because I ask about career and have interests around tech. I think over time I’ve felt safer in taking care of myself.

I wonder if the way to get over the complex is to constantly get back up by myself. The more I hurt and get back up the more freer I become. I realized that I’ve never been as confident as I am today. Yet I am at my fattest and at an uncertain period in my career.

My last 2 days have been good. Since I’m on my notice period on my current team haven’t had much work. I did a dance workout, read a book called Yesteryear not fully though. Watched some tv. What I have realized is completely only resting doesn’t work for me. I actually like work. Have a sense of achieving something. I managed to begin learning Go which is the programming language my new team uses. I’m literally dipping my toes into more modern tech. And wrote a LinkedIn post on it.

One thing I have to say is 2025 was my lowest. But the several different paths I took. Books, hanging out with my current team folks, considering leaving the team, facing those fears all paid off very well for this year.

Regarding life in and of itself. We think of a life as spanning 60 years. Instead the last 3 years were the life of me as a lover girl. Intense emotions, attention, electric energy, heartbreak. It’s like a movie but not my entire life. I get to live several such vivid experiences. And with intensity we get both extremes and I did. Nobody I know has gone through that. And that in itself means I lived. I really put my whole heart in it. Can’t say I didn’t live.

Girija

Hi Anita

Last night I had an incredible realisation that I really got to live. How many people can speak to rising to the top and having a downfall. To have been heartbroken like I did. It was a life in and of itself. I keep thinking I wish I had done this instead of that. But that denies me feeling all of which I felt. It was amazing too.

I just take the fact that he was also out with another woman as a sign that he wasn’t genuine. I suspect he was just playing with us. I don’t know why I felt it was genuine though. Or he could really do that. Keep each of us in a separate box. For me that wasn’t enough. I now see that it was my unwillingness to accept that which led to me spiralling out and walking away. But deep in my gut I wasn’t willing to tolerate that.

You’re right in that it was all a corrective experience. Not just in contrasting my childhood. But it finally gave me the push to be willing to take some steps I normally wouldn’t. And to embody who I am fully. Pain has a way of removing layers of pretense.

I don’t know if needing that sense of belonging all the time is good for me. To walk away from situations that don’t fill me up is ok but I don’t want to go through life like it’s not complete. I honestly think I don’t know how to live life. I don’t have immediate material goals. Usually thats a good north star to have. Without anything, it’s a dull contrast to what I had with him and the previous team.

Girija

Hi Anita

You look very happy in the photo, radiant! To answer your question first. Yes getting sloshed and drinking is a common outing with friends and I love it. LIITs, Jaeger bombs, Tequila shots 😊

I even went on a trip with the 2 friends i made at work. A pivot that happened after I saw his photos with the other girl.

From that point on. Going out clubbing or just a restaurant and drinking was common. Maybe it is to numb but it is damn fun.

I also became more extroverted. The entire team – peers and juniors in the current one are friends. We have a lot of fun. They are good people. Following him here or even attaching to the point of heartbreak opened me up in other such ways. Showed me I actually like and need people.

The exercpts that you shared. The common theme I’m noticing is that I’m not bought into tying job into identity or purpose. And probably being a little more on the sensitive side I don’t like greyness of it just for money. Although money is very important and must be respected. I’ve been n searching for the goodness in it and there isn’t any. All the metrics,progress and processes are dehumanising.

Another thing I remembered yesterday. In school probably 6th standard. I joined the throwball team as a substitute. I was one of the younger players. I wasn’t very good. The captain much older was very angry at me for not being good. I used to get criticized daily. One day I went to the court side and cried. Coach came up to me and said don’t take it seriously.

After that I suspect i don’t want to face criticism and worry about being inadequate. But for the first time unlike when I was a kid. I walked away from the team at work. I now know that just getting angry means bad leadership and I can leave. As a kid i thought I had to fix myself. But whatever it is. Unable to work with your team is poor leadership. I can fix myself elsewhere if needed.

Girija

Hi Anita

In a way life is very calm this way. Simply present. Not thinking about the future. I saw a reel of the actor Eric Dane in Grey’s anatomy. He passed away young due to ALS. In the documentary he talks about living in the present. And there is so much to that simple statement. If the past is causing me pain, why even hold on to it. If the future causes worry, the same. If I’m miserable in the present what is there to worry about in the future. It is the same misery.

I don’t even need highs anymore. Just being left alone. That’s it. Goals suck. Feel like a treadmill, with the promise of feeling great once we’re done. I think I’m beginning to resent effort and achievement.

Girija