Forum Replies Created
June 13, 2022 at 7:56 am #402338
Asking me to show initiative is a fair ask. I don’t know how to show it in a way that convinces you of my motivation.
I respect your decision to withdraw. Thank you for your time.
GirijaJune 13, 2022 at 7:52 am #402336
I understand what you are saying. It is to slow down and give myself time to respond. And be intentional in how I respond or act. I will follow that. I have a habit of zooming past the day with a couple of things occupying my mind. And I am possibly reacting to things on the surface level due to a lack of space in my head to process the present moment.
GirijaJune 11, 2022 at 1:32 am #402243
There are many greats who asked “who am I”. But that was more existential in nature. I don’t want to even know why my purpose is. Are we all the same as babies, I think we are. As we grow up, our experiences and people around us make us who we are. That which you then become is pretty consistent. You sre right in saying that the situation can often dictate how we behave. Reaction instead of response. But there is a general outline to what people are. I am all over the place. And it is causing me a lot of angst. There is a sense of grounding in knowing who you are. A serious person, a funny person. I don’t. And I come out of situations not sure why I was the way I was. I didn’t just diverge. It was who I was but doesn’t feel authentic.
Those guidelines are nice. They will help me. Thank you for that. I could use those. But the moment-to-moment and day-to-day is bothering me too much.
GirijaJune 11, 2022 at 1:24 am #402242
I don’t feel like I am putting on a show when I’m angry. But I am not really talking about feelings. I still think personality is the word for it. I don’t know how else to describe it. Some people are quiet, others are talkative. It is pretty consistent. For me it doesn’t feel so. I can’t figure out who I am in that sense. What is the true expression of me in this world. Am I truly empathetic? assertive? humble? I can’t figure this out. And as I’ve said earlier, this seems important to me. I want to feel like I am here, this is me. But it feels like I have no grounding.
Your analysis is spot on. I have often felt that my lack of interests is because of how pathetic my parents were in treating us as individual human beings. Now as you’ve said it must be the explanation for my personality as well.
I’ve been trained to survive this life. So personality is another tool to survive. Everything is a tool for my life to go forward. Doesn’t matter what I am paying to survive. Survive as per the terms set by them.
I think there’s just apathy from me at this point. Everyone is just a person. Just another person. They will matter or my interactions with them only matter if I care. I could simply stop caring about anything that was said or being said and it won’t matter anymore. But unfortunately, I wasn’t taught that. So people’s opinions also mattered for my survival. Until I realized it didn’t. I don’t want to survive anymore. I want to live. As I live, the layers will peel away.
I wonder what SEEing is though. I can’t see myself.
I’ll always remember you too, you’ve had a big impact on him and I respect your intentions of helping people here.
It is interesting that MIRRORS were the highlight of your post.
GirijaJune 8, 2022 at 8:18 pm #401973
I understand and agree with what you said. But my question I suppose is I don’t know what my real personality is. When I am by myself I don’t have one. When I am with others I can’t figure out what my real personality should feel like. Because I feel the same whether I am assertive or not, or whether I am humorous or not. It feels like I am putting on a show either ways.
GirijaJune 4, 2022 at 2:20 am #401805
Thanks for the feedback. I’m still figuring out who I am. I don’t know if I am a serious person, or a funny person. Am I warm or cold. There is no right or wrong. But I don’t know who I am. Who would I be in a vacuum? What are social interactions bringing out of me? I am mostly a reaction to and a product of the people around me. I am who I think they want me to be. Or I am who I want to prove myself to be. I am not me. None of this feels like me. I want to find my zone. Where I feel myself, just being, feeling complete. I want to make decisions from that place. Where my life feels in sync with me. I can then figure out where I want to go or what I want to do. Who I need to be has taken away so much from me. Who am I without that. This is the next step. I feel normal because I am normal to me. I may not be normal to others. I don’t want to be anything, but myself. And I don’t want to be anything for anybody.
GirijaJune 2, 2022 at 9:53 pm #401631
That’s nice. It is raining here. I have the urge to stand in the rain but somehow the sound of rain sometimes makes me irritable.
Also, in terms of progress, the first floor in my house is vacant. I stay there. Come down for food, but i spend most of my time there. My maternal grandmom is here. It is started as a way to get away from the noise of the TV. But I am much happier being by myself. Better to be alone than have people around you and still be lonely, I guess. I don’t feel lonely. I have always been able to take care of myself, it is when there are others that I have the urge to rely on them, and it never works out.
And a major change has been that these days I am able to identify when anxiety will kick in. Like, a message at work and so on, and basically acknowledge that to myself “this will cause me anxiety, but it’s ok, I’ll figure it out”. That doesn’t stop the anxiety but I recover from it faster.
The other thing is I’ve learnt to seperate myself from others. Including my mom and sister. I don’t remember exactly what it was but I recognized they did not support me in the same way as I did for them. They weren’t as invested. That gave me the freedom to realize I can choose to still be happy even if the people around me aren’t. And it made me realize, I am normal by myself. And I can be around others too but it depends on how they are and what they bring out of me.
I haven’t been to therapy yet. I basically have a lot of excuses. I have to and will do it but need more time to get to it.
I am mostly trying to figure out what will make me happy. Day-to-day and maybe a year from now.
GirijaJune 2, 2022 at 12:47 pm #401613
I am doing well. How are you?
GirijaApril 14, 2022 at 9:09 am #397854
I will get treated for this. I do want to live feeling more confident and in control.
GirijaApril 14, 2022 at 2:23 am #397849
Thank you so much for this post. I always said I have anxiety, but almost like it is a personality trait and not a disorder that can be treated. I never looked at my thoughts and feelings as symptoms. I just decided that’s who I am. You and I have spoken about professional help before but the clarity I have now is amazing.
I am scared of speaking about myself to a professional but I will do it. I wish I didn’t have to. When I know it is treatable, I should get to that quickly. Thanks a lot!
GirijaApril 14, 2022 at 2:18 am #397848
That’s a wonderful quote. We can choose what we do after shit happens. I think for far too long I’ve been a follower. Never made any decisions or choices for myself. That I can solve. The other, like anita, pointed out is I may be suffering from an actual disorder that leads to me going into auto pilot. I don’t ever want to be angry at people for how they treat me. I just want to leave and move on.
GirijaApril 12, 2022 at 11:28 pm #397756
Forced to stay by my own conscious sounds right
GirijaApril 12, 2022 at 8:29 pm #397748
Thank you for the detailed answer. I will checkout the youtube channels. I have already seen some videos of Ajhan Brahamn, he is funny.
Thank you for listing so many resources. I will make a list and go over them.
I struggle with believing in rebirth. To me it feels unfair to have to bear the consequences of what you don’t even remember doing, in a previous life. A lot of women in my family use it as a way to say the abuse they face now is because of what they did in a past life. So I don’t like it. I feel like it was taught to keep people submissive. And I find it weird that mostly women think like this. Men weren’t taught this. So I feel stuck. If I believed in rebirth, maybe I could look forward to my next life, the current one I really hate. But at the same time, it feels like propaganda in my culture atleast.
GirijaApril 12, 2022 at 8:22 pm #397747
No, I did not feel powerful over the snake. It’s poisonous! It just felt like someone had to do it, so I did it.
I did mean constant. It may be consenting by not leaving everything and going away.
GirijaApril 12, 2022 at 1:59 am #397686
Thank you for explaining dharma to me.
I would also like advice from you with an issue I face when I try to follow any spiritual practice or teachings. I find myself getting really down. I want to believe in a pay off for being good but most religions don’t guarantee that. Can you really enjoy life while also being spiritual? I have found myself getting really depressed when I tried in the past.