Hi Girija 🙂

I went back to your 2nd of three threads, where I quoted your words from your first thread (March- May 2019), and wrote down on a piece of paper three things you said back then.

In your recent post (7+ years later), you expressed something like feeling like an ant.

Back in 2019 you wrote: “I am really starting to see that it is like a factory, and we are all machinery”.

In your recent post, you wrote: “I don’t have an instinct towards anything… I’ve removed myself from living… Nothing innately pushes me.”

Back in 2019, you wrote: “My mother taught me- to not try to change your situation as you may lose what you already have”,

and,

“Being paralyzed by fear and being overwhelmed by stress has been a pattern for a long time.”

(Sincerely, Girija, I don’t know where I’m going in this reply. Let’s see if I’ll be going anywhere at all 🤔)

You wrote in your recent post: “Life was stuck and he came along and gave it colour”.

Life was stuck in grey and he gave it color.

Surviving life like an industrious ant, or like a machine in a factory (because really living life is dangerous, as you might lose what you already have)- you end up minimized by fear, psychologically shrunk by fear (no instinct… nothing innate).

See the photo above my name, Girija? That’s me dancing back in Oct 2025. It was to indoors live music that played a short distance away (it was raining that evening, so the band did not take place outdoors).

It was a moment of colour, of expanding the shrinkage. A small moment, yet it was everything. The dancing (and the red wine involved) dissolved the fear- paralysis that evening.

Do you, did you ever danced to music, Girija?

💃 Anita

Hi Girija:

“You look very happy in the photo, radiant!” — I wish you could see the big smile on my face reading that.

“LIITs, Jäger bombs, tequila shots” — I didn’t know this about you, and now I do. Still smiling.

“Maybe it is to numb but it is damn fun.” — I get that. Fun matters! I had too little of it for too long.

Your line made me think of Girls Just Want to Have Fun by Cyndi Lauper.

“I became more extroverted… I actually like and need people.” — This is huge. It’s expansion. It’s you discovering parts of yourself that were waiting.

The throwball story… that hit me. A kid being criticized daily, crying at the court. And now the adult version of you walking away from a team at work instead of shrinking or fixing yourself — that’s strength. That’s clarity. That’s you choosing yourself 🙂

Beautiful Girija is walking away from what hurts and walking toward what feels real 👏👏👏

More tomorrow (close to 11 pm here)

Anita

Hi Girija 🙂

Using my phone, I will read part of your post, respond with what comes to my mind, then read what comes next, etc. (not reading the whole post at once).

“Life was happening to me. I belong. They want me here. I’m part of something.”- (you write so well, by the way. I think you got a talent 👍)

The above makes me think of perhaps (you tell me) about the different experience of growing up:

Life was not happening to you- having had to shrink your inner life/ world because others’ needs or emotions took center stage,

You didn’t feel like you belonged (I remembered you said long ago that ‘they didn’t have you’),

That they didn’t want you there- not as someone with her own needs and emotions, her own separate emotional experience (I remember you sharing that your mother got angry at you, saying that she had already enough to deal with- your father- and she doesn’t have room for you getting depressed on top of it),

And you weren’t a meaningful part of something, of a family when treated as an emotional inconvenience.

Having the opposite experience at work would be intoxicating,and it was (“incredible highs”).

“Life felt extraordinary”- when the ordinary sucks…

“She asked me if I’m seeking crazy highs”- a high that’s about belonging and being a positive, meaning part of something is not crazy.

It’s the other way around, being treated as an inconvenience (your needs, emotions, inner world rejected or overlooked) is crazy making, says I.

“But how do I ever tell her that that insane sense of being uniquely me and the world around me embracing me for that”-

Exactly: you were not allowed to be uniquely-you growing up. When you expressed your true emotions, you were not embraced, to say the least.

I want to send this message because using my phone and afraid to lose a long message. I’ll read what comes next in your post and respond in the next message.

Good morning, Girija 🙂

The coworker we’ve been talking about- with his “powerful words and actions” (your words about him earlier)- was your hope for a savior?

I’m reminded of the 1981 book “The Cinderalla Complex”, it’s about the hope and fantasy of many, many women to be rescued by a man, to be like Cinderalla who was rescued from her hopeless life with her evil stepmother by a prince.

Although many more women work and earn a good income since 1981, the fantasy is alive and well, particularly when it comes to more traditional societies and anxious women who grew up without emotional safety.

There are approaches in different therapies that target this very fantasy, teaching women to develop a “secure base” within, or develop a secure adult self/ a capable “inner parent” to take care of the anxious “inner child”.

But none of it is easy, of course, for a girl who grew up without a secure base, or a capable parent 😔.

I didn’t even know Medium exists, or if I came across the word before, I forgot. I may look into it. Thank you for mentioning it.

How are you feeling today/ this evening?

🌿 Anita

Hi Girlja

Thinking about you and your mum. 🙏 I hope you get some good news! I read that you said she was having a scan. 🩵

Sorry I haven’t replied yet, just really busy at the moment. 🩵

Hi Girija:

I read what you shared, and what stood out most is how much strength you’ve built over the last couple of years. You’re not just “getting back up” — you’re actually changing the way you relate to yourself. The confidence you’re feeling now isn’t coming from circumstances being perfect; it’s coming from you learning that you can move forward even when things are uncertain.

I’m glad the last couple of days have felt lighter. It makes sense that full rest doesn’t work for you — you seem to need a mix of activity, learning, and small accomplishments to feel grounded.

What you said about 2025 being your lowest, and how many different paths you tried, shows how much effort you put into rebuilding. None of that was wasted. You didn’t just “live through” those intense years — you learned from them, and you’re carrying that forward now in a more stable way.

And about your mom — I can imagine how heavy this time of year feels. Routine follow‑ups can still bring a lot of anxiety, especially after everything she’s already survived. Seeing her spirit dim is hard, and it’s clear how much you care about her.

I’m here, Girija. You’re doing more growing than you give yourself credit for.

🌿 Anita