September 11, 2019 at 9:22 pm #311733
After a year of challenging life situations including the downfall of my relationship that I thought would be forever, the death of my mother, the death of my aunt, the loss of support from family, and most recently the death of my uncle I sit and wonder what my life will be now. I have faced so much loss and pain. I have come back after a recent downfall. I completely lost my mind and almost lost everything because it became too much. I am now settled in my place and starting to come back to life but my emotions are still a roller coaster and my mind is still racing. I am lacking most compassion and starting to see the world as pointless. I do try and keep positive and continue to small goals in little steps as I refuse to give up on myself but I am still confused about life and it’s purpose.September 11, 2019 at 11:54 pm #311755GrenadaParticipant
Hi Nicole, I am so sorry to hear this. I recently lost my grandmother last month and this month would have been her birthday. She raised me and was my only parent. Im not in contact really with any other family members. I have been extremely anxious, and worried, and having to like cry myself to sleep sometimes. I just say this to say, you are not alone.September 12, 2019 at 6:20 am #311803PeggyParticipant
That’s an awful lot of people to lose in the same year. I’m not surprised that you went to pieces and are looking for meaning and purpose to your life. Learn to calm your mind in whatever way you can – music, exercise routines, walks in nature and so on. If you find it helpful, connect with bereavement groups usually run by counselors and gain support in that way. Give yourself time and continue being positive and taking those small steps to achieve goals. Consider how much you have to offer others and what your purpose might be rather than what the purpose of life is.
PeggySeptember 12, 2019 at 10:42 am #311901
Welcome back! I am glad you started a new thread.
“What will my life be now?”- my answer is: looking for love in all the right places (vs looking for love in all the wrong places as the song says).
In the past you looked for love in the wrong places. For many of us the wrong place to look for love is…alas- our families! Our families are supposed to be where love is, but isn’t it a tragedy, for so many of us, that love is not there.
You grew up with very little love, your parents having been occupied with other things, other priorities. You carry with you not only a desire to experience love, to love and be loved, but also anger at not having been loved as a child, and onward. This anger is in the way of you finding love.. where love is available for you, a new man in your life, a new relationship.
Perhaps your anger is in your way of making friends as well.
I know you spent a lot of money on hotels and such before you moved in to your new place and you had to furnish your new place. I hope you are saving money now and that you are not planning on spending it on .. a trip to Arizona, let’s say (it is where your older brother lives if I remember correctly).
What I do hope you do with any money that you are able to save at this point, is to use it for quality psychotherapy, or counseling, so to express and understand your anger, for the purpose of moving toward what you always needed and wanted- to love and be loved in return.
anitaSeptember 24, 2019 at 11:19 am #314015
Grenada, I am so sorry to hear about your grandmother and also not having family support. This is extremely hard. Thank you for reminding me I am not alone. Wishing well in your recovery. I know how hard it is losing a parent. It will get better with time but honestly I am still getting over my moms a year later. It is a difficult dark road but we are not alone and I have found so groups to help and made a couple new friends.
Sending you loveSeptember 24, 2019 at 11:28 am #314017
Thank you Peggy. I do need to start thinking about what I can bring to others.September 24, 2019 at 11:53 am #314027
I am back. Trying to heal and move on. It has been rough since we last spoke. Although I did get situated in my new place, I have had to have dealings with family when we lost another family member. I suffered some more gas lighting and projection. I have certainly abandoned myself at times. That is hard to come to terms with. I’m holding on strong but honestly between my PTSD and anxiety sometimes it is minute by minute.
All I truly want is to love and be loved by good people. Not perfect just a simple life. But somewhere in my subconscious I belive I am not letting go of family. So I keep getting in the tangle and each time worse.September 24, 2019 at 12:24 pm #314041
It is amazing how well you function considering the severity of distress that you have been experiencing, for so long. I wish life was easier for you and that you felt better and better.
You are a strong woman. But you need to make life easier for yourself.
I suggest you make Rules for Easier Living for yourself, maybe five rules, maybe ten. Rules regarding who to communicate with and who to not communicate with (establish no-contact), how to spend your money and how to not spend your money, do-s and don’t-s. If you want to work on such a list here, do so. Remember the purpose of the rules: to make your life easier, to minimize distress in your life experience.
anitaSeptember 24, 2019 at 7:10 pm #314131
Dear Anita, you are right. And thank you.
I try to be strong and keep on but lately it has definitely tooken it’s toll. Sometimes I feel I need a month off of life. Maybe a vacation. But at this point with the apartment, I’ve used up my savings on furnishing and all. And now I wonder if all along I should have took your advice to leave and start somewhere new. I know you can never know until you experience but I do wish I would have made a different decision. Or maybe it’s just the anxiety I am having today. I definitely need a list to make my life easier. It has been way too hard, and I know I don’t deserve this much distress. I’m surprised my body has taken it. It seems to be non stop. At this point I would love to make a list but am under water with my current to do. With my moms 1 year anniversary and birthday this week, I’ve certainly abandoned some things but couldn’t work past my anxiety and fatigue.September 25, 2019 at 9:36 am #314265
After I posted to you yesterday it occurred to me that I too lived through and survived so much distress for so very long. But I wish I did better than survive and I hope you do better than survive- live a better life, have a more pleasant and interesting life experience.
Like you wrote before yourself, if you did leave to another state, troubles would find you there as well, because what we take with us – stays with us wherever we go.
Aim at making your life where you are easier- less suffering, more content, more interesting, strive to experience something new. Not the same-old-same-old.
anitaOctober 6, 2019 at 11:55 am #316331
Thanks Anita as always your advice is on point.
i am excited to live both an easier and more interesting life.
And I do not want to complain but am struggling so much. I have ptsd, so that means nightmares, anxiety attacks often and flashbacks sometimes all day long. I also have very codependent behavior that is not so easy to take at times. It is an addiction from what I am learning. On that note I want to apologize for the overwhelming plea to come live with you I did a couple months ago. Although at the time I was serious, it was my inner little me crying for help from anyone. But so not fair to do to you. I appreciate your advice and support throughout my journey. There is so many things I have learned from you and used to get me where I am.
survival mode is exactly what I am in. My somatic therapist has helped me to see this and I look back and see some of the extreme behavior and decisions I made were complete survival. I do forgive myself because this is a learned behavior from childhood. I had no choice but to survive in that household. But since I left my aunts place I have been only surviving. I am so tired of it. I spent over 8 thousand in 5 months surviving. It is sad to me. I had a dream and goals and was starting to live rather than survive but my family was not having it. But more than anything I went into self sabotage mode and am having trouble forgiving this. I worked so hard to get to where I was to be thrown off track like that is painful. I have been no contact with my entire family for 2 weeks. It is not easy but when I realize how much I’ve lost in these months I am almost furious with them and how they make me the bad guy when all I did was try to love and forgive them. I know I need to feel these feelings out but it’s hard when sometimes I’m in an all day panic attack.
My latest thought (not sure if this is survival) is going back to Florida. Ending my lease and taking what I can. Selling the rest. I have my job and know a couple of maybe nice people in the area.
I honestly dont know what I was thinking getting this apartment. I know it had to do with family but now that winter is arriving this is so not where I want to be. I don’t think my car can handle it, I also don’t think I can. Last winter was depressing and that is when I was seeing family. To be alone all winter here sounds dreadful.
But the con is the hassle of all that I would have to do. Saving for a month by working extra hours and second job. Also the stress of the move itself. I don’t know if I can handle anymore stress. My bathroom vent was leaking this morning when I woke up and I literally felt the stress feeling come up my body as if to tell me if one more thing becomes stressful!!October 6, 2019 at 12:15 pm #316335
No need for you to apologize to me- you did nothing wrong to me. And I appreciate your kind words to me. Well, maybe Florida is the place for you to go. Nothing in Chicago for you, is there?
Florida reads good to me.
anitaOctober 6, 2019 at 12:30 pm #316337
Elaborating a bit: there is nothing any of us can do about the loss of money, of time, of youth; the loss of potential that was not actualized, opportunities missed, life unlived, hopes and dreams that never came true.
So much is taken away from us and so much that we miss and waste- this is the human condition, not unique to you alone.
Do your best to not repeat the waste. Do what you can to live a life that makes sense, where it is that it makes sense to live it.
anitaOctober 6, 2019 at 1:21 pm #316343
I agree a life that makes sense sounds good. I hope to do this for myself. I don’t think paying rent and bills make sense for me right now. It is so stressful on top of all of the stress I already have. I’m thinking the Roomate situation was a better deal. But then again when I was in that situation I was uncomfortable. But the more I learn about the fight or flight system I am doomed for this feeling until I get it under control.
I am not sure how this will sound or if you can relate having been abused and in distress for so long yourself but I don’t know what to do for myself sometimes. Like my brain doesn’t have the capacity sometimes to take care of me. I was never taught this so I do forgive myself. I was taught nothing more than survival and self sabotage. So sometimes I don’t even know what it is that I need. I think my trauma therapist noticed this recently and she made some comments that weren’t too sympathetic to it. So I’ve been debating if I want to see her again. But so unsure. Very similar to all of the dozens of red flags with my ex and family and I stayed in that abuse. It is so sad to feel like I don’t know how to make the right decisions or plays for myself. I try my hardest and sometimes still fail. Truly trying to get to a better place with this but everyday my mind changes on what I need. How can I figure this out? Today I think moving to Florida is what I need tomorrow I may think here it is and I just need time to heal and rest. It’s exhausting and something most people don’t understand.October 6, 2019 at 1:58 pm #316347
What were those comments that your therapist said that “weren’t too sympathetic”- do you remember what exactly she said, and in what context?