Hi Anita!

I’ve thought about you and getting on here. It’s been a while.

yes, I’m a Christian. And still haven’t tried the dating site. I haven’t given dating a lot of thought lately.

i do still think of my ex, but realize that is just my nostalgia. He has never reached out after getting the news I was living in Florida. He is not who I thought he was. I wish I could erase him from my mind.

My mind does this thing where it likes to create reasons why people do things, excuses. So I can keep believing a lie. But I’m working through this pattern. Not easy

how are you?

Hi Anita,

I did not make a Christian Mingle yet. But I did go on a few others. I have not enjoyed my experience so far. A lot of the stereotypical dating site things I have heard. Sending me explicit photos that I did not ask for. Very vague small talk. But I am not giving up. Just got turned off by it. I do get discouraged but I will continue to work on me while I search for a partner. But I am open to any advice and help. Thanks Anita!

Hi Anita,

You help has been so much. Honestly, I think back to the beginning of our threads and even now I still rely on your wisdom. I appreciate it. I am blessed to have people guiding me.

Yes I will have to patiently quit sugars and fried foods. It has been a battle because I rely on them for moments of happiness I guess. They give me that high. Like an addiction. I was attending a boot camp for 2 months and lost 20 bs. I felt so great and was feeling like my self. At some point I started to notice that the vibe was not as great as I thought it should be. I was celebrating my little wins and was so proud of my progress but the trainers made me feel like I was not doing enough. So I quit. I think I should have thought that one out better. I ended up gaining back what I lost and started eating out of control again. I am a bit disappointed in that. I think that is why I have been hesitating finding a routine again. But it is pretty serious that I start something. Health wise.

Thank you Anita, that makes me feel better. I can go as slow as I would like. I historically jump right into things. That has not worked out 90 percent of the time. I am working at slowing down and appreciating things for what they are. It could be fun to date. I just do not know where to look. Most websites are trashy and scary to me. But I guess I will not know until I try?

Thanks Anita,

I decided to let myself have the meltdown. I am human and it is sad. I’ve truly isolated myself. I need a hug.

Well to begin I don’t know a safe way to date. I’ve never dated before. Like in a healthy way so it scares me. I guess it would just be easier to run back to the ex so that’s probably why I have him on my mind. But I’ve always imagined giving us another shot. I don’t feel so great about myself. So who will I find like that? More manipulative men I assume. But trying to get in more healing to feel better and do everything alone isnt working either. I want to cuddle and possibly be physical with someone. But I feel so guilty for that. I’m really confused in this area.

Hi Anita,

Am getting back later than I’d like to have again. A lot has changed since we last spoke. Although I’ve been consistent with work and have caught up financially, it has become so stressful. I’m working in a call center. The pain I feel and sense here is extreme. People intentionally triggering people all day long like a zoo! I’m sorry if I seem more angry than usual. But I have had it. I’m overwhelmed. I am burned out. I don’t have much enjoyment in my life. It is just work work and healing. I feel so alone again.
Last night I made a decision to email my ex.
I simply asked if he would like to have dinner and that I needed a hug so tight.
He replied that he would love to do so and would be completely ok with holding me as long I needed but that he had to be upfront that he was in a relationship. He did not want to be a liar again.

Now I 100 percent know this is a red flag but we emailed back and fort a bit more and just thinking about him holding me makes my body calm and my heart warm. I’m so tired of being alone. And every time I try to do something in connection it back fires. I have so much built inside because it’s always just me.

Please help me organize these feelings somewhat.

I have all this time never stopped to speaking to someone who hurt me so badly. Could there be any good come from this? I don’t trust my recent decision making.

Anita! Thank you!

It has been a while again. I’ve thought about you. But Sitting down and writing ive been resisting for some reason. I’ve had to catch up a lot financially so I’ve been on the go go go! But I’m finally starting to slow down a bit. It’s one of my goals this year. I hope you enjoyed the Holiday season despite this new Covid stuff.

Things are going good Anita.
I think I’m doing better with fear and loneliness. Although I struggle still sometimes.

I’ve been at my new job for a month now and that’s a good time for me. I have struggled feeling comfortable anywhere. I don’t make alot here and it’s not exactly what I had in mind but I am sooo grateful to feel useful and good at something again. I enjoy my work and am hoping I can commit to a good length here while continuing to catch up. It feels nice to breath again. I’m not completely caught up with my bills but I’m at a place where I can slow down a bit and I almost forgot what it was like to relax and feel confident in my ability to handle things for myself. Am so happy for that Anita.

I know we made a new thread with intention but I still struggle with my Mothers death. I am more wise and understand she was not my responsibility but damn the lack of support she had in her last days was uncalled for. I know how that feels now. To feel like you have no support. It takes a strong individual and higher power to keep you going on a straight line. My mom had too much illness to have the strength. I miss her Anita. I miss the kind of love she offered. Only a mother can offer. She really did have my back the best she could. The saying you don’t know what you have until it’s gone could not be more true.

I am learning so much about life lately. How much pain most people are in. How many lies we are taught. And we can change them slowly but surely.

Anita I hope to be more consistent in my responses. Another goal of mine. I still tend to isolate vs reaching out to people who bring wisdom and joy to my life.

but I am in a woman’s group that meets bi weekly and I haven’t missed yet. Little steps.

Hi Anita!

I am sorry I have fallen into some major procrastination again. It seems to be my biggest struggle lately but mainly when it comes to connecting. I have been successful at keeping up other things. I am back on the horse and I fall off again often but never hurts as much as the time before and I get back up. I think my medication is helping a lot. Finally consistent and it has been well over 6 months. Also consistent weekly therapy with a therapist that I am trusting. She is good. Looking back at our notes I notice it has been so long since we spoke. I had been in contact with my Aunt and went to see her in May when life got really difficult. It was not as successful as a reunion as I would of liked. But a lesson well learned. I put myself in that blender you warned me about again. As far as reuniting with my father that wasn’t so bad but also a little scary and still has me uneasy. When his mother died (my Grandma) I felt it necessary to go see him. My sweet Grandma, one of the people in my family who loved me the most unconditionally as she could. Such a loss. This medication makes me a bit numb so I am not sure how deeply sad I could have felt but I was very heartbroken. Things have been a littler smoother in my life for about 2 months now. It is nice. I have been more in touch with gratefulness and joy versus only that constant fear. I am so grateful. I think my procrastination on connecting more is my fear of moving on. But I dont rush myself anymore. I simply told myself I had been thinking of you since I seen your reply and that today is the day I wouldn’t procrastinate. No more bashing myself. I really am learning not to be mean to me anymore. And take life as it comes. A lot I need to still achieve. I recently lost my part time job that I had been doing Full time and that was stressful but I have been searching for a more traditional position again with better pay. Oh and I got a kitty! I love him. It has been a week and he is really evoking that love button in me. Lots of work though.

How are you Anita? I hope well despite our world still going a bit crazy.

Hi Anita,

Ok, your right it is a fearful place to be. I decided on more money. I already started to feel taken advantage of within the other company first couple of days. It was kind of a low pay and I thought I deserved more when I am literally at my witts end exhausting my energy to work. Am I thrilled with the other job? I dont know yet. It seems to be up in flames personnel wise but i do not want to complain. I am trying to look at work only as a means to make my livelihood versus a place for emotions. But boy that is hard when my emotions are haywire.

I am having a little trouble accepting life as it is. I want things to be easier. The little girl throwing a tantrum for her family as you painted a picture for me before. But little Nichole has to grow up.

Yes you Asked about what I meant about Psychoses. Yes intense fear and anxiety followed by numb/dissociation. And once in a great relief. Sometimes it makes me feel crazy.