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Nichole

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  • #319147

    Nichole
    Participant

    Ok, so this I am working on. In my new relationships I do not beg for love. I am impressed with boundaries as far as expectations and even with myself. Due to recent situations and depression I have opened to alot of people and probably should not be doing that. I over share way too much. It is my default. I do have to see who is worth hearing my story. I watched a youtube from Oprah regarding this. And by sharing my pain so openly I opened myself up to plenty of invalidation that could have been avoided. I struggle with this because I do feel like a little girl sometimes. Sad and lonely trying to figure life out. So when I meet with someone I spill all my beans, I guess in hope for love? But really just in hope for some support. My family truly is harsh in that area. And I never realized how much no support hurt! After my break up and moms death I had support so it was nice to accept this. What a good feeling.

    Also watched such an amazing You Tube video on CPTSD. Diane Langburd. It is quite sad. Since a young age I was sexually abused, I totally dissociated to escape the pain. So I have never been a “self” so to speak. She explains how these clients can not explain some of their pain and cannot explain what they need or like and I feel just that sometimes. How do I build this. Especially with a constant fear lurking around with me?

     

    I guess when I think of leaving family it feels so permanent. It does not have to be does it? I can get well and come back to them? I have a niece who is my heart. And  I honestly hate the thought of leaving my elder grandparents. My mothers parents arent too nice but my other grandmother is the one person who I relate to the most. She understands the dysfunction. And she is brittle.

    #319133

    Nichole
    Participant

    Anita, the way you put that is hard to accept but it is true. Before this happened I was totally fine with my alone time. I was leaning toward florida. I was excited to be on my own. But the wound my family triggered is deep. It has brung that little girl begging for love out of me. Can you understand this? Have you ever related? My somatic therapist says this is normal. This happens when we are triggered in PTSD and then old programs take over.  My new ones are still there just harder to get to. The ones I made about loving myself, forgiving myself and trusting myself. The new programming on boundaries and not being codependent.

    But to answer your question, no I do not like how that sounds. I like how Florida sounds. Away from everything. No cold. More peaceful. A new routine. New people. Steady therapy. Maybe swimming class. Possibly zumba or some dance, maybe boxing for the anger. I boxed my pillow last night. The rage and anger is coming out!!! I have been allowing this and it is hard.

    #319135

    Nichole
    Participant

    Anita, the way you put that is hard to accept but it is true. Before this happened I was totally fine with my alone time. I was leaning toward florida. I was excited to be on my own. But the wound my family triggered is deep. It has brung that little girl begging for love out of me. Can you understand this? Have you ever related? My somatic therapist says this is normal. This happens when we are triggered in PTSD and then old programs take over.  My new ones are still there just harder to get to. The ones I made about loving myself, forgiving myself and trusting myself. The new programming on boundaries and not being codependent.

    But to answer your question, no I do not like how that sounds. I like how Florida sounds. Away from everything. No cold. More peaceful. A new routine. New people. Steady therapy. Maybe swimming class. Possibly zumba or some dance, maybe boxing for the anger. I boxed my pillow last night. The rage and anger is coming out!!! I have been allowing this and it is hard.

    #319065

    Nichole
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I’ve been taking the last couple of weeks to read back on these hurtful posts. It has not been an easy task. The anxiety in my mind truly resisted it but I managed to get through our entire thread. I found so many helpful things that did get me along at the time. Some things I still use today. I will not post everything that I pasted but I’ll share some things that stood out.

     

    “Accept it that she had other priorities throughout your life with her and you were far from being the first priority. Accept that in the context of your relationship with her you were not the guilty one. She was. It is not you who failed her. She failed you. Her death doesn’t change this fact”

    This is something I think I have worked on and although my brother triggered this wound I think I may have settled it again. Sometimes by rereading these posts and just by my knowledge of what happened. At the moment I am struggling with self blame in a bad way. Not necessarily for my mom just in general. I will tell you about this later in my post.

    “Time  to admit defeat.  I have. My life too was lived for others, I too invested my  life trying to help my mother… my goodness,  it still amazes me: zero results,  defeat.”

    I feel very defeated and especially lately as I realize that I have lived in survival mode but in a very serious way for the last 5 months. Making sure to be “ok” enough to find my way back to family. I still struggle with this even though I am on a self hate rampage for self sabotaging so bad. I don’t mean to say self hate because I love me but so hard to feel that right now.

    “don’t evaluate how you are doing in life based  on how you feel, not at this point and  not  for a long  time to come. Like I wrote to you in my last post, distress will be  your companion for some time .

    Focus on what you do/ how you function, not on how you feel. Evaluate a good day or a bad day  not by how you felt during the day, but by how you functioned that day.”

    I absolutely love this advice! I clearly remember having a aha moment when reading this and until this day it has worked but I do need to encourage it more. My brain has been mush lately. I feel like two people. But not just in a distressing way in a very scary confusing feeling like I am crazy way. I am alone, I have a real bad stress response at the moment. I cannot really feel feelings much it is mainly terrible horrendous thoughts over and over and non stop memories. It is like the movie I told you about. It is very serious and makes me consider checking myself in at times. I did read some about you experiencing panic attacks after stopping Klonopin. Were they similar to what I am speaking of? This is what I was speaking of when asking if you understood me. It is not just normal anxiety like I felt before. It is horrendous thoughts back to back sometimes like 90% of my day is run by this and I have to constantly remind myself who I am and why I am here but sometimes I fade and I think I am becoming depressed which hurts!

    “Hope is about a life where you are never  abused.  To find that  life,  you have to give up on and let  go of  the comfort mixed in that abuse that you had in your original home.”

    I love this! I do believe there is hope out there but am still so focused on my family at time. Even despite reading all of these posts where we discuss the very abuse. I am understanding through studying why I go back to abusers. Not only do I sub consciously believe I deserve it but I often disassociate from the painful feelings and memories which causes me to forget the abuse and reach out for the love again. Codependency is an addiction after all. A love addiction.

    “it happens all the time: our emotional experience of childhood gets activated in the present. Those early emotional experiences get well recorded in neuropathways in our brains, thoughts and emotions. As  time goes by, years and decades, we shed our skin but not our brain, it is the same brain, the same recorded experiences and these get reactivated.

    Often we forget how we felt when we were children, trying  to remember… while all along we feel the same way as we did then. Notice how you feel now. This is how you felt then.”

    This is what I am learning about in therapy. How this exact experience I am feeling is being replayed from childhood and does not have much to do with current circumstances. Besides that the current triggered the wound.  But it is relentless. And seems to only get worse. I have spent thousands of dollars and many many hours in different kinds of therapy for it to only get worse? That is upsetting!!! I am struggling to feel hope about that.

     

    “Don’t panic, you are okay. You  will feel better soon. Function as if you are okay and sooner than later you will feel okay again. Endure the spikes in anxiety, calm yourself best you can when that happens, don’t panic, don’t catastrophize, function sensibly and life will be better.”

    Sometimes I cannot function more than work like today when my anxiety is so bad that I am almost bedridden. I really hope you understand this is not an understatement. I am so strong and resilient and have been throughout this terrible time but lately I feel like withering away. How much more can I take. And honestly I don’t know what is next.

    “Healing is not about repeating the same  old same old attempts. It is about giving up on what doesn’t work and attempting something new that has a chance to work.”

    This is so deep Anita! I think I am leaning toward this. And that is why things are the way they are according to my somatic therapists. She said the racing thoughts are the brains attempt to get me to go back to what is familiar and in it’s eyes “safe”. She said it is just trying to protect us. But damn I fall asleep telling myself I am safe. I know I am not where I want to be meaning without savings, in an apartment I don’t love love and winter coming but the little girl inside is being awfully hard on herself. I feel bad for her. This is how she felt back then. Like she had to be perfect, never good enough. How sad!

    “Visiting your older brother and his wife is a bad idea. A modest hotel room in the quite scenery of the desert is a better idea (if you can’t get a refund for the plane ticket). You can arrange to see your older brother’s child if you are there, spend some time with her, but with her only, then leave.”

     

    Boy do I wish I would have listened to this along with many many other posts. Is there a way you can make me listen? lol

    “Sometimes my boundaries are so good but I do get exhausted always basically having to wall up”- better for a person to not enter a war zone than enter it and defend oneself successfully.

    It is possible to be around people who do not intend to “get a rise out of (you)”, possible to relax when you eventually believe that the person with you will not turn against you.”

    I long for the day this is in my life! A day where the people in my life are happy to see me and happy for me and I do not have to defend or be perfect. Lord please bless me with this. I deserve it.

    “Look and you  will find a pocket of sanity in the world, a refuge, a place of kindness and respect. If you keep looking for it where it is not, of course you  will not find it. Look elsewhere, where you didn’t look yet. We don’t have to keep our focus on the family we were born to, we are not owned by our parents or siblings, or by anyone. No need to keep your focus on this one man in Florida. There are other men you didn’t meet yet”

     

    But yet I continue looking for what is familiar? So strange how our systems work. For instance the man I had befriended for 3 months during this struggle I would have never given the time or day. We actually met back in December for dinner. An old friend of mine. I knew at that dinner that I did not want to be with him. I strictly told him I was uninterested. I reached out because I needed somewhere to stay when my carpets were getting done and didn’t want to dish out hotel money again so he offered and I stayed. It was only a friendship but I felt like he wanted more. Months in and recently a few weeks ago I went no contact with him. It was as if I woke up and was like what am I doing? Why am I entertaining this. We have no like interests. Just those same few moments of joy and laughter like family but no common goals or dreams or even perceptions of life. He is bitter and dark and truly was mocking my situation after a while and I did not notice. We would make jokes and I was going along with this. It was funny and I don’t mind laughing at my struggle sometimes but all in all it is not a joke what I have been through. And I am trying to tattoo it in my brain that although a lot of others have been abandoned by family doesn’t make my pain any less!!

     

    Thanks Anita, for months of hanging in there with me and also for my bad grammar in this post.

     

     

    There is so much more. And I will have to post it in another post. I am tired. I am drained. My body hurts from anxiety. Please pray I wake up sane tomorrow. I never know what another day will bring up. Seriously. Every day this month has been a new feeling. And you did tell me to embrace this and I was but I have never felt this scared, dreadful and anxious. It is hard to hold on to myself in times like this. I am considering meds again because I truly believe no one should ever have to feel like this. Hard to focus on what to do next. Hard to feel feelings. It is pure survival mode. Just make it to another day. I think I have always lived like this but after experiencing some joy in my healing times. And by joy I mean joy alone and acceptance it is hard to come back to this state.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    #316363

    Nichole
    Participant

    It is very true. It could have been just her feeling. And that has crossed my mind rationally. But the defensive part of me comes out lately. I really feel like two people which the therapist actually told me is very normal for ptsd. It is so exhausting.

    I like her but did not like the vibe she gave when she said I didn’t ask for what I need, even though it was true. I didn’t! We were doing processing and I actually wanted to stop but kept going. So she went along with it until she narrowed down the question to what I needed in that moment and it was as if I was avoiding the question but at the time I totally dissociated. Which is normal when thinking back to old traumas.

    Have you ever experienced any of this?

    #316357

    Nichole
    Participant

    So she just made a comment during EMDR processing to notice I don’t ask for what I need, but she seemed so bothered when she said it. At the end of session she said she couldn’t do our usual time next week and I said ok I can work with her schedule. She said well ok and she seemed so bothered by me. It was not the usual conversation we have.

    #316343

    Nichole
    Participant

    I agree a life that makes sense sounds good. I hope to do this for myself. I don’t think paying rent and bills make sense for me right now. It is so stressful on top of all of the stress I already have. I’m thinking the Roomate situation was a better deal. But then again when I was in that situation I was uncomfortable. But the more I learn about the fight or flight system I am doomed for this feeling until I get it under control.

    I am not sure how this will sound or if you can relate having been abused and in distress for so long yourself but I don’t know what to do for myself sometimes. Like my brain doesn’t have the capacity sometimes to take care of me. I was never taught this so I do forgive myself. I was taught nothing more than survival and self sabotage. So sometimes I don’t even know what it is that I need. I think my trauma therapist noticed this recently and she made some comments that weren’t too sympathetic to it. So I’ve been debating if I want to see her again. But so unsure. Very similar to all of the dozens of red flags with my ex and family and I stayed in that abuse. It is so sad to feel like I don’t know how to make the right decisions or plays for myself. I try my hardest and sometimes still fail. Truly trying to get to a better place with this but everyday my mind changes on what I need. How can I figure this out? Today I think moving to Florida is what I need tomorrow I may think here it is and I just need time to heal and rest. It’s exhausting and something most people don’t understand.

    #316331

    Nichole
    Participant

    Thanks Anita as always your advice is on point.

    i am excited to live both an easier and more interesting life.

    And I do not want to complain but am struggling so much. I have ptsd, so that means nightmares, anxiety attacks often and flashbacks sometimes all day long. I also have very codependent behavior that is not so easy to take at times. It is an addiction from what I am learning. On that note I want to apologize for the overwhelming plea to come live with you I did a couple months ago. Although at the time I was serious, it was my inner little me crying for help from anyone. But so not fair to do to you. I appreciate your advice and support throughout my journey. There is so many things I have learned from you and used to get me where I am.

    survival mode is exactly what I am in. My somatic therapist has helped me to see this and I look back and see some of the extreme behavior and decisions I made were complete survival. I do forgive myself because this is a learned behavior from childhood. I had no choice but to survive in that household. But since I left my aunts place I have been only surviving. I am so tired of it. I spent over 8 thousand in 5 months surviving. It is sad to me. I had a dream and goals and was starting to live rather than survive but my family was not having it. But more than anything I went into self sabotage mode and am having trouble forgiving this. I worked so hard to get to where I was to be thrown off track like that is painful. I have been no contact with my entire family for 2 weeks. It is not easy but when I realize how much I’ve lost in these months I am almost furious with them and how they make me the bad guy when all I did was try to love and forgive them. I know I need to feel these feelings out but it’s hard when sometimes I’m in an all day panic attack.

     

    My latest thought (not sure if this is survival) is going back to Florida. Ending my lease and taking what I can. Selling the rest. I have my job and know a couple of maybe nice people in the area.

     

    I honestly dont know what I was thinking getting this apartment. I know it had to do with family but now that winter is arriving this is so not where I want to be. I don’t think my car can handle it, I also don’t think I can. Last winter was depressing and that is when I was seeing family. To be alone all winter here sounds dreadful.

    But the con is the hassle of all that I would have to do. Saving for a month by working extra hours and second job. Also the stress of the move itself. I don’t know if I can handle anymore stress. My bathroom vent was leaking this morning when I woke up and I literally felt the stress feeling come up my body as if to tell me if one more thing becomes stressful!!

     

    #314131

    Nichole
    Participant

    Dear Anita, you are right. And thank you.

    I try to be strong and keep on but lately it has definitely tooken it’s toll. Sometimes I feel I need a month off of life. Maybe a vacation. But at this point with the apartment, I’ve used up my savings on furnishing and all. And now I wonder if all along I should have took your advice to leave and start somewhere new. I know you can never know until you experience but I do wish I would have made a different decision. Or maybe it’s just the anxiety I am having today. I definitely need a list to make my life easier. It has been way too hard, and I know I don’t deserve this much distress. I’m surprised my body has taken it. It seems to be non stop. At this point I would love to make a list but am under water with my current to do. With my moms 1 year anniversary and birthday this week, I’ve certainly abandoned some things but couldn’t work past my anxiety and fatigue.

    #314027

    Nichole
    Participant

    Hi Anita!

    I am back. Trying to heal and move on. It has been rough since we last spoke. Although I did get situated in my new place, I have had to have dealings with family when we lost another family member. I suffered some more gas lighting and projection. I have certainly abandoned myself at times. That is hard to come to terms with. I’m holding on strong but honestly between my PTSD and anxiety sometimes it is minute by minute.

    All I truly want is to love and be loved by good people. Not perfect just a simple life. But somewhere in my subconscious I belive I am not letting go of family. So I keep getting in the tangle and each time worse.

    #314017

    Nichole
    Participant

    Thank you Peggy. I do need to start thinking about what I can bring to others.

    #314015

    Nichole
    Participant

    Grenada, I am so sorry to hear about your grandmother and also not having family support. This is extremely hard. Thank you for reminding me I am not alone. Wishing well in your recovery. I know how hard it is losing a parent. It will get better with time but honestly I am still getting over my moms a year later. It is a difficult dark road but we are not alone and I have found so groups to help and made a couple new friends.

     

    Sending you love

    #308633

    Nichole
    Participant

    Hi Anita, I miss hearing from you and your guidance. Hope you are well.

    #305949

    Nichole
    Participant

    I thought about it but can’t come up with a answer.

    Its so hard for me to just let things go

    well at this stress level it is

    i feel like calling him or my father is saying it’s ok what you did to me since I never responded to them

    also not sure I want family knowing I have an apartment here

     

    i may say I left town and be alone from them?

    but see my decision making is poor

    with constant thoughts and stress levels at all time high I’m shaky and uneasy and it sucks

    none of this was my plan

    life was going ok, I worked hard to get to a better place and I’m so defeated!

    #305935

    Nichole
    Participant

    I don’t mean she literally wants chaos but it seems that way.

    i also know sleep deprivation isn’t helping but that is from stress so hand in hand.

     

    heres what I know

    ive made some bad decisions

    ive reacted

    My life and real relationships are all out of control

     

    i didnt do this intentionally and worked hard against it but I’m a pre conditioned mess

     

    i got my apartment tomorrow

    i want to fix relationships or at least respond to family situations because left undone keeps me in the flight response I believe. I reacted irrational when I was scared and it’s driving me crazy the control I don’t have.

     

    I know now that I was mistreated but also know it may not have been personal and I reacted to it as if it was. Because little Nichole is constantly looking for abuse as you say. This is true.

    she was abused so early on and is terrified for it to happen again. When I realized I was emotionally abused after leaving my ex and realizing my family had done it to scared me. I was looking for it everywhere. Which makes me not trust my decision to end all of these relationships.

    i have no connections and it’s like going cold turkey off of drugs! I’m in withdrawal

     

    i want to begin some connections somewhere with family because what I need a stranger can’t give me. But my family is invalidating and a bit much so I can’t trust myself to make a decision on that.

     

    I dont trust myself at all right now!

    Which sucks because I was working on that like hell!

    ive lost trust in these bad decisions

     

    i dont have movers

    i don’t have cable box for work

    i don’t have help

    money is going down!

     

    I dnt  have a bed, my things are everywhere

    my car needs maintenance

    my body needs sleep

     

    i need love and support!

    I don’t know where to begin

    i wrote this feeling like an 80 year old woman because of stress and tension!

    Have you ever felt like that?

    It feels like it won’t go away!

     

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 208 total)