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Nichole

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 261 total)
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  • #427764
    Nichole
    Participant

    Anita,

     

    Very true, the stability from my job and consistency of where I have been living have helped get me back in a better place. I had not recently thought about the correlation between the moving around I was doing and my childhood. Growing up we moved around quite a bit. Finances were not stable.  I can still get really anxious when something unexpected happens. I fear the worse. I’ll be homeless and unable to provide for myself. With the work I have been doing I know this to be untrue. I have, even at my most fearful, always provided for myself. In the future I would like to better my relationship with money. I would like to thrive. Nonetheless,  I am grateful for what I do have.

    Yes, past relationships and even the most recent one created turmoil. This last man was really just a distraction from dealing with where my life was. But I was also craving male attention as I still do. I settled with him. I knew he was not good for me or my soul but I continued on. Eventually, the differences were so clear that I could not stand to see him one more time. I have been peaceful since. But, I still believe in my heart that I was born to be a Mom and wife. My lifelong dream! I am 35 now, will it ever be? I have juggled with maybe it won’t. and I will have to live with that. I really just struggle to make friends or relationships. It is the trust issue. I hide myself a lot. I also attract similar patterns in people, but now, more than ever I feel so much more self aware about this.

     

    Last week I started back into my new role after my voluntary demotion. It has been peaceful. I learned so much in leadership. I learned that I lead well. I lead with my heart and soul. My team loved me and I loved them. But, I learned that my boundaries would soon creep in. And to constantly work on boundaries can, at times, be empowering but also exhausting. Most times I gave way too much of myself. I look forward to spending the rest of this year treating work as just work and creating a life outside of it.

    Bringing me to my family…

    Your always spot on Anita! I can easily go into a nostalgic place with family. I do believe we had some wonderful times. My Father came in June, and it was great! We spent five days together. I knew better than to get attached. He struggles with alcohol and drug addiction. I know too well. He loves me when he can but he will most likely always return to his ways. I am coming to peace with this. As for my brother, it is just simple texts. I just want peace with them. I know they cannot provide the family environment I craved for so long.  But with my niece, this relationship is important to me. I know that she will need me in her life. She is 15 now. She will soon be heading for life’s ups and downs as well all do as we grow up and I want to be a wise person in her life. I love her so much. I am so happy to be in touch with her. I would love to go see her this summer. No exceptions, other than it my job to love her the best I can while I am in her company.

     

    Yes, I wish I would have been able to apply your wonderful advice on relationships in a better way back then. I do believe I can function this way now. Mindfulness can be hard for me some times but I am starting to slow down more. I really would like to create connections that are stimulating and balanced.  I know that it begins with me. If I give/offer to much of me too fast I will likely attract people that will take quicker than I give. I look forward to slowing down. Paying attention to people and just having fun if I can. I just need the motivation to do it. I think talking about it is a start!

     

    I am glad that you are fine. You mean a whole lot to myself, so can imagine how others on here feel as well. We had not spoke for 1.5 years but I always thought about you and your advice. The idea that you spent so much time reading my long, dramatic emails at times and you would be patient and kind and offer really good advice is so beautiful. Always will be appreciated.

    #427297
    Nichole
    Participant

    Anita!

    It has been a long long time. Thank you for continuing to write me. For some reason I had not received notifications that you wrote and I could have just looked up our last entries but I kind of lost touch. I am very happy to be writing you.

    My it has been over 1.5 years since we spoke I believe. A lot has happened in that time. Not sure where to begin but I will try.

    I am doing well in a sense.

    I am working at the same job, I live in the same apartment. I have a grown a lot and better deal with life. By no means do I have it figured out though lol.

    I am not dating nor in a relationship. I have spoke to some family and even had my father visit me in June. I am back on a texting basis with one brother and my niece.

    I am financially stable. Not overly well off but pay my bills on time and can afford some self care luxuries.

    I was seeing a man that I worked with for a while. It was not the best experience. I seem to attract similar traits in men.

    I recently recognized in my current position at work that the load is too much for me. I have been supervising my department for the last year. So I have  demoted myself (Voluntarily)  to focus more on me and my life again. Not sure if that makes sense.

    Have not been to Church as much as I’d like. Still have not found my fit for a Church family but now that I will be working a bit less and having hopefully less stress work wise I can focus more on my Church/Social life.

     

    How are you Anita??

    I hope you are doing very well. I am happy to see you still write.

     

    #406290
    Nichole
    Participant

    Hi Anita!

    I’ve thought about you and getting on here. It’s been a while.

    yes, I’m a Christian. And still haven’t tried the dating site. I haven’t given dating a lot of thought lately.

    i do still think of my ex, but realize that is just my nostalgia. He has never reached out after getting the news I was living in Florida. He is not who I thought he was. I wish I could erase him from my mind.

    My mind does this thing where it likes to create reasons why people do things, excuses. So I can keep believing a lie. But I’m working through this pattern. Not easy

     

    how are you?

    #401892
    Nichole
    Participant

    Hi Helcat!

    Yea it can be frustrating. I think I have had my share of online dating already. I have not gone back on. I have not joined a hobby or social group in a while so that is definitely something I would consider. Thank you for the suggestions.

    #400274
    Nichole
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

     

    I did not make a Christian Mingle yet. But I did go on a few others. I have not enjoyed my experience so far. A lot of the stereotypical dating site things I have heard. Sending me explicit photos that I did not ask for. Very vague small talk. But I am not giving up. Just got turned off by it. I do get discouraged but I will continue to work on me while I search for a partner. But I am open to any advice and help. Thanks Anita!

    #399690
    Nichole
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

     

    Thank you!! For seeing me as a good woman. I do appreciate you. I try to stay grateful. I am not always able to feel that way but most days I do.

    I will soon check out the thread you mentioned.

     

    I think tonight I will create a Christians mingle account. I am nervous but lately I have been pondering a lot and I think I deserve to experience the dating life. I never have. I haven’t experienced a lot of things I would like to do out of fear. But now I recognize I need to let go of the old to bring in the new.

    #398749
    Nichole
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    You help has been so much. Honestly, I think back to the beginning of our threads and even now I still rely on your wisdom. I appreciate it. I am blessed to have people guiding me.

    Yes I will have to patiently quit sugars and fried foods. It has been a battle because I rely on them for moments of happiness I guess. They give me that high. Like an addiction. I was attending a boot camp for 2 months and lost 20 bs. I felt so great and was feeling like my self. At some point I started to notice that the vibe was not as great as I thought it should be. I was celebrating my little wins and was so proud of my progress but the trainers made me feel like I was not doing enough. So I quit. I think I should have thought that one out better. I ended up gaining back what I lost and started eating out of control again. I am a bit disappointed in that. I think that is why I have been hesitating finding a routine again. But it is pretty serious that I start something. Health wise.

     

    Thank you Anita, that makes me feel better. I can go as slow as I would like. I historically jump right into things. That has not worked out 90 percent of the time. I am working at slowing down and appreciating things for what they are. It could be fun to date. I just do not know where to look. Most websites are trashy and scary to me. But I guess I will not know until I try?

    #398671
    Nichole
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

     

    Thank you. Yes, I’d say I need help. I’ve never had a successful dating life. As a healthier woman atleast. It has always been codependency running my relationships. I get really clingy fast. But I have been working on this.

    While in touch with my ex I though I wouldn’t be able to let go. I have thought about the situation many times throughout each day because I miss him but I don’t think I’ll be reaching out again. I feel the ball is in his court. If I truly ever mattered to him than knowing I’m in Florida and wanting to see him should put a fire under him, am I wrong to think that?

    As far as not feeling good enough. Well I’ll start with physically. Throughout these last two years I’ve piled on an extra 50 pounds. It doesn’t make me feel good. I think in most other areas I’m confident. Like cooking, cleaning, being a good woman. But I fear dating when I don’t have a true friend circle to rely on but I do have you and some other wise people I’ve met so I have to remind myself that. But I fear someone manipulating me again or many of my unhealthy skills to come up but I guess I can’t work on them until I’m in action? I don’t feel ready to date. Like I need to more whole but how long can a girl wait?

    #398144
    Nichole
    Participant

    Thanks Anita,

    I decided to let myself have the meltdown. I am human and it is sad. I’ve truly isolated myself. I need a hug.

    Well to begin I don’t know a safe way to date. I’ve never dated before. Like in a healthy way so it scares me. I guess it would just be easier to run back to the ex so that’s probably why I have him on my mind. But I’ve always imagined giving us another shot. I don’t feel so great about myself. So who will I find like that? More manipulative men I assume. But trying to get in more healing to feel better and do everything alone isnt working either. I want to cuddle and possibly be physical with someone. But I feel so guilty for that. I’m really confused in this area.

    #397982
    Nichole
    Participant

    Thank you Anita

     

    I do not know what it was that calmed me. But I imagined it all last night and I imagine anyone holding me most nights. I am on my period and it tends to get worse during this time. I am a woman and have not been with a man since my ex. I miss him. I miss having a man in my life. In my bed at night. Helping me with providing. My cat is so needy, I need someone to help me with him at times. I miss someone to go to dinner with. I miss someone to go to the beach with. And so yes I have extended myself to groups and even tried to date but its so hard to make new connections when I still have so much trauma built up and I feel like I keep adding more by trying to do everything alone. I am sorry I feel that I am having a little melt down today. Am I being unreasonable?

    #397978
    Nichole
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

     

    Am getting back later than I’d like to have again. A lot has changed since we last spoke. Although I’ve been consistent with work and have caught up financially, it has become so stressful. I’m working in a call center. The pain I feel and sense here is extreme. People intentionally triggering people all day long like a zoo! I’m sorry if I seem more angry than usual. But I have had it. I’m overwhelmed. I am burned out. I don’t have much enjoyment in my life. It is just work work and healing. I feel so alone again.
    Last night I made a decision to email my ex.
    I simply asked if he would like to have dinner and that I needed a hug so tight.
    He replied that he would love to do so and would be completely ok with holding me as long I needed but that he had to be upfront that he was in a relationship. He did not want to be a liar again.

    Now I 100 percent know this is a red flag but we emailed back and fort a bit more and just thinking about him holding me makes my body calm and my heart warm. I’m so tired of being alone. And every time I try to do something in connection it back fires. I have so much built inside because it’s always just me.

    Please help me organize these feelings somewhat.

    I have all this time never stopped to speaking to someone who hurt me so badly. Could there be any good come from this? I don’t trust my recent decision making.

    #394373
    Nichole
    Participant

    Anita,

    I am doing well. I am not feeling well though. Very confusing but I also remember you referring to this at some point in our previous conversations.

    How are you?

    I have been working at the same place for 4months now. Never thought I’d be here again. I survived a lot to be comfortable here. I’m catching up on all of my bills and moving forward to a more relaxed situation. I’ve tried a lot of new things. Some that were fun and others not comfortable but slowly starting adventure again. Things were so stressful for a while. Everything is so expensive and doing it alone is very new to me. But I am doing it and hoping by the end of March I’ll begin a savings again and begin considering my big goal of owning property at some point in my life.

    Other than that I’ve struggle connecting again. Connection comes so hard for me. I also don’t try as hard as I could. I assume once my finances aren’t such a stressor and things become well in my budget it will free up some space for more fun interesting things. That is my hope.

     

    I have been single this whole time Anita. I miss having a man in my life. I think about my ex almost daily. I think about how much he hurt and then I stop. But sometimes I feel like neither of us were well in the relationship. Sometimes I wish we could give it another shot. But so many wise people tell me to move on. Sometimes I feel like it’s just familiarity and others the resources he has and the long life dream I have of a husband and children and beautiful home. But am I wrong for that?

    I am sorry for another delay in response and then a totally all over the place response lol. Just my thoughts

    I look forward to hearing from you

    Nichole 🙂

    #390891
    Nichole
    Participant

    Anita! Thank you!

    It has been a while again. I’ve thought about you. But Sitting down and writing ive been resisting for some reason. I’ve had to catch up a lot financially so I’ve been on the go go go! But I’m finally starting to slow down a bit. It’s one of my goals this year. I hope you enjoyed the Holiday season despite this new Covid stuff.

    Things are going good Anita.
    I think I’m doing better with fear and loneliness. Although I struggle still sometimes.

    I’ve been at my new job for a month now and that’s a good time for me. I have struggled feeling comfortable anywhere. I don’t make alot here and it’s not exactly what I had in mind but I am sooo grateful to feel useful and good at something again. I enjoy my work and am hoping I can commit to a good length here while continuing to catch up. It feels nice to breath again. I’m not completely caught up with my bills but I’m at a place where I can slow down a bit and I almost forgot what it was like to relax and feel confident in my ability to handle things for myself. Am so happy for that Anita.

    I know we made a new thread with intention but I still struggle with my Mothers death. I am more wise and understand she was not my responsibility but damn the lack of support she had in her last days was uncalled for. I know how that feels now. To feel like you have no support. It takes a strong individual and higher power to keep you going on a straight line. My mom had too much illness to have the strength. I miss her Anita. I miss the kind of love she offered. Only a mother can offer. She really did have my back the best she could. The saying you don’t know what you have until it’s gone could not be more true.

    I am learning so much about life lately. How much pain most people are in. How many lies we are taught. And we can change them slowly but surely.

    Anita I hope to be more consistent in my responses. Another goal of mine. I still tend to isolate vs reaching out to people who bring wisdom and joy to my life.

    but I am in a woman’s group that meets bi weekly and I haven’t missed yet. Little steps.

    #388470
    Nichole
    Participant

    Hi Anita, I just saw this and I did see your last post as well. I’m sorry just running behind on things but I am ok. Maybe a little better than ok these days. I will write back in more depth very soon!
    I hope you are well Anita

    #384762
    Nichole
    Participant

    Hi Anita!

     

    I am sorry I have fallen into some major procrastination again. It seems to be my biggest struggle lately but mainly when it comes to connecting. I have been successful at keeping up other things. I am back on the horse and I fall off again often but never hurts as much as the time before and I get back up. I think my medication is helping a lot. Finally consistent and it has been well over 6 months. Also consistent weekly therapy with a therapist that I am trusting. She is good. Looking back at our notes I notice it has been so long since we spoke. I had been in contact with my Aunt and went to see her in May when life got really difficult. It was not as successful as a reunion as I would of liked. But a lesson well learned. I put myself in that blender you warned me about again. As far as reuniting with my father that wasn’t so bad but also a little scary and still has me uneasy. When his mother died (my Grandma) I felt it necessary to go see him. My sweet Grandma, one of the people in my family who loved me the most unconditionally as she could. Such a loss. This medication makes me a bit numb so I am not sure how deeply sad I could have felt but I was very heartbroken. Things have been a littler smoother in my life for about 2 months now. It is nice. I have been more in touch with gratefulness and joy versus only that constant fear. I am so grateful. I think my procrastination on connecting more is my fear of moving on. But I dont rush myself anymore. I simply told myself I had been thinking of you since I seen your reply and that today is the day I wouldn’t procrastinate. No more bashing myself. I really am learning not to be mean to me anymore. And take life as it comes. A lot I need to still achieve. I recently lost my part time job that I had been doing Full time and that was stressful but I have been searching for a more traditional position again with better pay. Oh and I got a kitty! I love him. It has been a week and he is really evoking that love button in me. Lots of work though.

    How are you Anita? I hope well despite our world still going a bit crazy.

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