Hi Anita!!

A little late, but Happy 2025!!
Have I been working on a life of my own? Trying to.
Some new things happened in life. I bought that condo I always wanted! I closed on my condo 12/06/24! Since then I have been settling in. Noticed that painting and doing diy tasks had been becoming a nice little distraction. So most recently realized I have to get back on track with my initial goals of making new connections and creating more of a life here. My condo is cozy and I work from home so I spend about 80 percent of my life in my home. It is a little lonely. Today I decided to try out a zoom connecting event. It was nice. And here I am writing to you.
My father stayed a month with me during the move to my new place. It was a nice experience. We had a lot of fun together. I had a lot of capacity to love him and accept him as he is. Not the father I would have dreamed of but the one I have. He continues to struggle with addictions etc. So I’m still working on the feelings of disappointment when those times arise.
I have been working on having more time in between calls with family as it is more peaceful for me that way. But altogether I am happy to have them in my life.
I wonder if friends who care and support you and respect boundaries are a thing. Even girls I am friendly with at work are not very trustworthy and gaslight casually in conversations.
I recently reconnected with a man I had dated a few years ago. Not the best choice. He and I are not compatible. I realized I had to swallow who I was to be with him because we just do not have the same beliefs in life. He also does not have the determination and goal mindset that I have. I want to continue to grow and continue to be stable financially and in all areas. There is a lot of guilt towards letting the relationship/friendship go. A lot of times I allow my empathy for others to keep me in the situation. I am sure you know that about me though lol.
I am at a place where I feel ok most days. I feel more peaceful. I still have my days with anxiety and worry but often can tame that with tools I have learned throughout the years. I am just really wanting to zone in and make my life more lively.
Work has become quite boring to me and unfulfilling. I am a customer service rep for insurance providers. Well, I feel I have more potential than what I am doing. But I did step down from a role with more responsibilities so that is confusing.
I really want to get my real estate license. But I have such resistance. Like feeling like the pool is over saturated etc.

That is where I am at these days! How are you Anita?

Hi Anita,

Wow, 5 months since my last post. I can be a real procrastinator, I am sorry!

I cannot tell you how many times I have thought to myself, I would like to catch up on our conversation. I am glad to be doing so now.

I loved your response to my confusion and the way you used scripture. I trust this.

The sexual abuse is still hard for me to address with my brother. I have not felt an opportunity or desire to do this.

These last few months I have had a decent amount of contact with family. My brother in Chicago had a wedding and asked me to be there so I actually seen my entire family for the first time in years. It went surprisingly well.  Most were very kind and seemed happy to see me. My aunt cried when she seen me. My cousins hugged me tight and let me know how much they missed me. I believe them. And I observed while I was there. I maintained my boundaries. I was present. Although, they love me and missed me, they are still who they are.  A lot of behaviors I chose to excuse myself from and conversations I chose to stay out of. Boundaries like that made this visit so much better. I tried to only give what I had and took breaks when I needed it.

This made me wonder if that’s all I needed to do from the beginning. Or if this is something I can go forward with, with family.

There is no doubt I needed to get away from my family in the past.  And I needed to grow as a person and have my own life. But I do enjoy knowing I am mending these relationships.  It makes me feel motivated to continue building my life. Just with boundaries this go around.

I have had some long and “therapy like” conversations with my OB. He has opened up so much to me. I can see he is really trying to change and explore his feelings and his past. I let him know after a really detailed conversation that I love him and want him to know I am here for him but really believe he needs to speak to a therapist. I put up a boundary and let him know that as he explores his past and continues to heal there will be too many things that come up that will be triggering for me since we grew up in the same household. I expressed that I am still healing myself.  I was proud to say that. He was accepting of that.

I really do see him trying in ways that I am surprised by and I am hoping that as he digs deep there can one day be a conversation and apology for the abuse.

I have asked myself if I am people pleasing in that. I know I am extending a lot of grace but I feel whole enough to do that at this point. Is that wrong?

Also, I don’t know if bringing that trauma to the fore front would be good for me right now. I am feeling more content and peaceful these days. Still have my ups and downs but so much more manageable. I am at a place where I just want to focus on continuing to build my foundation. Finding out who I am.

These are my late night thoughts. I am looking forward to hearing back from you Anita and hope that are doing well!

Hi Anita,

I was speaking on my oldest brother, David. And to be honest since I last wrote I realized that I naturally blame the other party. It is not only that my brother can be clingy, it is that I was also enjoying the attention. It was exciting to be back in contact. It was a distraction from some of my own issues in my own life. It was my loneliness. Anyhow, we have not spoke other than in short. I have set a boundary, silently, and he seems to be respecting it.

Boundaries are hard to stick to I find. I don’t know if throughout the years my mind has created a poor memory but I set boundaries and goals and can easily move on to the next or just forget, lose interest in this important goal/boundary I set. I find it hard to stay consistent. And it’s disappointing.

Last month  my uncle and I spoke. During the conversation he let me know that he would like to gift me a down payment on a condo. I was stunned. I have never received such a monetary gift. I don’t think I spoke about this uncle much. Since then I have been learning so much about buying a home and what is actually required. I have a lot of work to do financially before I can afford this. This is a goal I must stick to.

Anita!

I have had an interesting/stressful last few weeks. My father has been suffering from some health issues. I had know about them but did not understand the severity. A few weeks ago he flew to AZ with my niece. Once there my brother found him out of breath and turning purple. He was rushed to the ER. Eventually needing life support. Once it got to that point I decided to take a trip to AZ to see him. I knew it could be the last time I would see him and I did not want to miss that opportunity.

Learning this information and knowing I would be in AZ I broke no contact with my oldest brother and his family. Between this and making so many big decisions regarding my Father’s life last week I was definitely challenged. I am proud to say that I survived and thrived during the experience. My father is no longer on life support. He is still struggling but better than it was.  My brothers and I had to decide decisions while he was under. It was so scary. So sad.

I stayed at my brothers home for financial reasons. It just made more sense. We ended up having a good time catching up in between supporting my father. We met for lunch multiple times while I was there and he was out of work. I often imagined seeing him to be more scary. It wasn’t. I also lost a lot of anger I used to have for him. It is a little confusing. I used to hate him for the things he has done. And here I was loving him. The relationship is not perfect but being reunited in some is peaceful. He apologized and admitted a few things even though I tried hard not to talk about the past. Underneath him being the oldest of us all and the more “powerful” one, he is very sensitive and craves family and attention. He loves having company and was sad when I left. He likes to be surrounded by family. And I explained I am more of a loner. I need quite a bit of time to replenish my energy. I was trying to be open about my boundaries going forward.

I like the peace and forgiveness that has come over me in regards to family. I feel like it is a part of me I was trying to deny for so long. And for good reason because I needed to.

As I adapt back into Florida time and work this week I am just trying to get back into gear with my own schedule and goals again.

Anita!

It has been a long long time. Thank you for continuing to write me. For some reason I had not received notifications that you wrote and I could have just looked up our last entries but I kind of lost touch. I am very happy to be writing you.

My it has been over 1.5 years since we spoke I believe. A lot has happened in that time. Not sure where to begin but I will try.

I am doing well in a sense.

I am working at the same job, I live in the same apartment. I have a grown a lot and better deal with life. By no means do I have it figured out though lol.

I am not dating nor in a relationship. I have spoke to some family and even had my father visit me in June. I am back on a texting basis with one brother and my niece.

I am financially stable. Not overly well off but pay my bills on time and can afford some self care luxuries.

I was seeing a man that I worked with for a while. It was not the best experience. I seem to attract similar traits in men.

I recently recognized in my current position at work that the load is too much for me. I have been supervising my department for the last year. So I have  demoted myself (Voluntarily)  to focus more on me and my life again. Not sure if that makes sense.

Have not been to Church as much as I’d like. Still have not found my fit for a Church family but now that I will be working a bit less and having hopefully less stress work wise I can focus more on my Church/Social life.

How are you Anita??

I hope you are doing very well. I am happy to see you still write.

Hi Helcat!

Yea it can be frustrating. I think I have had my share of online dating already. I have not gone back on. I have not joined a hobby or social group in a while so that is definitely something I would consider. Thank you for the suggestions.

Hi Anita,

Thank you!! For seeing me as a good woman. I do appreciate you. I try to stay grateful. I am not always able to feel that way but most days I do.

I will soon check out the thread you mentioned.

I think tonight I will create a Christians mingle account. I am nervous but lately I have been pondering a lot and I think I deserve to experience the dating life. I never have. I haven’t experienced a lot of things I would like to do out of fear. But now I recognize I need to let go of the old to bring in the new.

Hi Anita,

Thank you. Yes, I’d say I need help. I’ve never had a successful dating life. As a healthier woman atleast. It has always been codependency running my relationships. I get really clingy fast. But I have been working on this.

While in touch with my ex I though I wouldn’t be able to let go. I have thought about the situation many times throughout each day because I miss him but I don’t think I’ll be reaching out again. I feel the ball is in his court. If I truly ever mattered to him than knowing I’m in Florida and wanting to see him should put a fire under him, am I wrong to think that?

As far as not feeling good enough. Well I’ll start with physically. Throughout these last two years I’ve piled on an extra 50 pounds. It doesn’t make me feel good. I think in most other areas I’m confident. Like cooking, cleaning, being a good woman. But I fear dating when I don’t have a true friend circle to rely on but I do have you and some other wise people I’ve met so I have to remind myself that. But I fear someone manipulating me again or many of my unhealthy skills to come up but I guess I can’t work on them until I’m in action? I don’t feel ready to date. Like I need to more whole but how long can a girl wait?