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Nichole

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 237 total)
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  • #362305
    Nichole
    Participant

    Hi Anita, thank you.

    As always you read me well. You are right. I have no choice but to make it in this world as an abused adult. I have my good days that I make through more than just surviving and I’m so grateful for those days and days like today where I struggle hard and feel victimized all over. I truly struggle with a victim mentality and it does not benefit me but my anxiety really takes over and I feel trapped. And stuck in life.

    #362304
    Nichole
    Participant

    John thank you so much I appreciate. I’m hoping to find victory as well. I want nothing more to heal and bring nothing but love and light to others.

    #358838
    Nichole
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

     

    I have thought of some new possibilities. Including, finding a new job Asap. My boss is triggering me daily. He is a special kind of cruel. Today he made a anonymous Offer Up page and antagonized me on it. I believe sometimes you have doubted the abuse I have endured recently out of the belief that it is my perception of the world. I know I am living with an abused filter. 100%. But it does mean there is no abuse. Abuse has happened because I allow it. Tonight I am feeling so much. I am so disappointing that I did not care for myself. That I sabotaged my life because of the actions of others again. It hurts so bad right now. There were so many times I knew what I should do but my anxiety and constant care for others caused me to prioritize me right under my nose. I always felt like I was doing what was best for me but I was letting the voice in my head win. It hurts. I thought I learned that I should come first. I thought I was healing. I should of listened to you and others on what moves to make. I feel like I let myself down. I have been sabotaging for decades. I am so scared of healing and for what is to come. I fear I will keep being abused. And even more that I will keep abusing myself in my head. I do not deserve it and I still struggle to love me. I struggle to forgive. I am so hard on myself. I am repeating all that was told me all of my life. I realize my entire childhood consisted of being wrong. I was never right. I could be sick and I was told to suck it up, I could be hurt at school and I was asked what I did, someone could have disrespected me and I was told to hush, My grandma could have isolated me and I was told to not disrespect my elders, I was sent out into the world with 0 tools on how to protect myself. My parents lived such a toxic dangerous life yet never felt the need to tell me about the cruel cruel world. I was left to fend for myself so submitting was my choice so that I can control not being hurt. At least that is how I seen it. I am so sad by this. I needed help. I needed protection. I was so scared all the time. I did not know whether I would come home to no mom again, my dad beating on the walls, locked in the bathroom overdosing on drugs, my brothers bullying me, whether it would be a night for a sneak attack from my brother and his penis on my back. God it hurts to admit this. It hurts to know I had no one and still have no one to protect in my family. I truly feel like I need help and continue trying to do this on my own. I am struggling. I am a grown woman who is feeling like a 5 year trying to live on her own with no contact from the outside world. I am completely exhausted.

     

    Rant over. I sit here in tears. I sit here scared for the future. I sit here wondering who can I turn to? It was never fair for me to have to go through everything alone and why do I have to now?

     

     

    #358494
    Nichole
    Participant

    I will try this out. Everyday I come up with a semi new plan but executing is nearly impossible. It’s like my brain shuts everything down. I really hate complaining so much but the fear and anxiety are real these days.

    yes I’m in an apartment without roomates. It is quiet and no issues.

    #358489
    Nichole
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: center;”>Yes I had a moment back in April where my feelings regarding the muse my brother did was overwhelming and a friend of mine suggested to just call and not assume what to expect so I did. Yes I had a moment back in April where my feelings regarding the muse my brother did was overwhelming and a friend of mine suggested to just call and not assume what to expect so I did.  She was very supportive she was shocked and I was in a really bad place and she can tell so she’s fine you shouldn’t be alone I will buy you a ticket and you can come stay with me for sometime. At the time Covid was happening so I was resistant. We spoke for a few days after and I haven’t been in contact since. I think it’s just the fact that I never forget what she did to me back when I lived with her and also my anxiety just making me believe I’ve got abused again and feeling terrified. It is so confusing because I know more than anything I need some kind of love and Connection in my life. But I need to feel it and not just be so logic I need to feel cared about again. All I have enjoyed is stress upon stress with no human contact or hog or assistance or anything. It’s just been me going through hell. I’m not really sure what my next step is but I need to do something.</p>

    #358256
    Nichole
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

     

    OK so you have also experienced living in peoples homes? We have a lot in common. I did the Roomate thing because I wasn’t ready to commit to an apartment or lease after having to drop my lease back in Illinois and lose my deposit. I also thought it would be cool to find some nice people to live with After what I have been through. But I have learned in these six months month that I cannot look externally for that until my internal is in a better place. My problem is that with all the stress of moving dealing with all these problems at these places and not having support along the way so stressful on my body. My anxiety increased every time. My peace level and self love plummeted.

    I am still dealing with my boss acting like tyrant most days. I have no love or good coming in. It is just me. At this point I miss my family and after seeing how the rest of the world is I honestly don’t know if they are bad or not. This doesn’t include my brother who abused me. But the things these roommates did were similar to what my aunt did. People obviously have expectations when you live with them. I don’t agree with this at all. I feel that if you have an agreement with someone where they are paying for a room and you just got your expectations then it should be that. But this is a human experience and humans are not perfect and we go based on our feelings. I’m struggling to understand if this is something that I’m learning or I’m getting into things people have done to me because I’m so I don’t agree with this at all. I feel that if you have an agreement with someone where they are paying for a room and you discuss your expectations then it should be that. But this is a human experience and humans are not perfect and we go based on our feelings. I’m struggling to understand if this is something that I’m learning or I’m giving into things people have done to me because I’m so lonely?

    what I mean is after being in the world alone, I don’t see my family as the monsters I once did. I see them acting like human people who have imperfections that did hurt me but so did tons of Christians I met at Church. I guess my point too is that why put up with people in the world being cruel and not caring what I have been through verses having my family who can love me the way they know how. It’s still engagement in my life and the know the pain of all the deaths I’ve been through. We just lost my grandfather back in April too.

    I just thought I’d feel better leaving toxic relationships but I feel worse. My anxiety makes me feel horrible about myself so it’s hard to make relationships this way and I have no interaction most days. This is not healthy with my current mental health.

    I am currently in an independent apartment so no more drama there. And I’m safe but suffering greatly with my Anxiety and depression.
    Not sure of my plan

     

    sorry if I have been all over the place with my words and forgive my grammar I’m voiced my this into my phone.

     

    #358224
    Nichole
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

     

    Thanks for getting back. I am sad too that it is the case. Here is the good. I’ve managed to lead a clean life regardless of my anxiety and depression. I am still working. I haven’t turned to men. I’m still trying to reach out for help.

    Regarding medication and a psychiatrist, no I currently am not on anything. I decided to get off a while ago because I felt it was making me more but honestly I feel like the screaming girl is going to keep screaming until I give her something familiar. Does that seem too far fetched?

    I’ve tried 4 medications. Found a psychiatrist here and it didn’t work. I’m not sure how to find a good one. I was recommended this Dr. who asked me in a session which medication I’d like to try. It was not reassuring. It’s tiring to keep trying when I have had so many bad experiences after the next. Nothing good getting thrown in between.

    I totally forgot there was a time you offered your place. Back when I was in a hotel. You may be right. I’d likely find abuse.

    Here’s what I will say about the abuse or people treating me wrong. I know it is less personal and more just the way people are. The logic I know but can’t feel it. Because I’ve been in so much pain that I can’t feel in my bones that I’m not the issue.

    Here are some examples of the things that have happened here. Please do let me know if you think they are being perceived wrong.

    my first roomates:

    a small family, a single mother of a 16 year old and his grandmother.
    This was a beautiful poolside suite in their home. We discussed expectations upon arrival and agreed on that. At this point I’m drained and exhausted from my Chicago experience and really did not want a relationship with these people just a room to rent. I made this clear. The woman asked me if I’d be ok with doing housework for less rent and I said No a firm no. Practicing boundaries. I knew that I just wanted peace and quiet. So not what I received. She said ok no problem to my answer at the time of moving in. 2 weeks in she asks me for a couple of favors. 2 I had to decline and one I did against my better judgement of not really wanting to do it. After declining to take her mother to do her nails or lunch and living my life in their home as I intended things got very awkward and aggressive. I would wake up to garbage cans in front of my car. Music playing right next to the door of my bedroom in the morning. We agreed on no curfew. The latest I came home was 11:30 and she started to lock me out with a lock I had no key to so I had no choice but to call her and then she acted like I was a big problem. I then asked if she would either not lock it or give me the key so I didn’t have to wake her because that wasn’t what we agreed on and she laughed.

    these are a few, things got really weird

     

    here is 2nd roomate, met her at church.

    Tell her about my roomate situation so she offers to come check out a room in her place. She has 2 kids she doesn’t have custody of. They are only to spend the night 2 times a month. Ok.

    I move in, 1 week later all of a sudden she is getting her kids every weekend and I have to share my bathroom. Ok. Now all of a sudden she is asking if I can pick one up from school and take one to the gym and I say no. She goes to the extent of saying it shouldn’t be a problem since I work from him and she figured I could just step out and get them! I’m sticking to the boundaries I’m trying to make and I say no. I probably explained way too much that I was working regardless if it was at home and that there was no way I can pick them up and do these arrangements. Later that evening I expressed to her that I did not like that she was asking me to take responsibility for these things when I told her from the beginning that I wanted nothing more than a room to rent especially after what I was going through in my last roommate situation. She did not like when I express that to her. I kid you not some of the same behavior started happening. She started locking me out. Her kids started misplacing things that were mine in the bathroom. They put all my things on the bottom of the sink and took up the entire thing. It just got really uncomfortable.

     

    Now my third roommate. This was a cabana suite. My favorite by far. Because it was independent but attached to a woman’s home and had a beautiful pool on the water. I thought for sure this one was going to be the one. I didn’t divulge  so much for my information like I did with the others. I just wanted to move in with my life and live my life. Well Covid happened. AnyWho things were well for sometime. Two older women lived in the home and we seem to get along really well. I cooked for them and spend time talking to them and even encourage them to get in the pool with me that they never used even though they had it right there. When we started opening up after Covid I started going back to my normal life or at least trying. So they started noticing I wasn’t home much for giving them any attention I guess. So they started making comments about that they don’t see me anymore and where have I been. Immediately I realized I let my boundaries down. I got to close with them and now they expect Me to be around and continue what we were doing during quarantine. I didn’t like constantly being asked where I was. I honestly don’t feel like it’s their business. Then it became can you help me move my plants around. I said no I am not interested in doing any yardwork I told you that from the beginning. And she said well you are always using the pool. Which is something she offered me without me asking when I decided to take the place. I thought the room was a bit expensive and she said it comes with complete pool usage. So I definitely got you side of the pool. And now here she is expecting me to do yardwork because I’m going in her pool. This time I knew immediately I had to get out I didn’t wait around for the passive aggression or the craziness. I experienced some but I’m but was working on my way out. I now live in an independent apartment with no such happenings.

     

    My observation, people think I should do for them when renting me a room, even though I’m paying full priced room cost. It makes no sense to me. The reason I take it personal because it triggers a part of me that has always been the running woman for everyone. I want to be seen for being myself not for what I can do for you!!
    mall of these people made me feel useless if I wasn’t goi to comply to what they wanted which reminded me of family.

     

    Is it bad that after 8 months without family I realize the world isn’t all fluffy and maybe they weren’t so bad. And not all of them but some of them might be worth getting in touch with?

    Have I spoke to them no. Minus my aunt who I reached out to during a time of crisis. I was having panic attacks daily and nightly with the abuse of my brother coming up so I told her. She was supported and offered to buy me a plane ticket to come stay with her a few weeks. I wish I would have but at the time I got scared. Remembered how she treated me and went no contact agin.

    but after experiencing the aggressiveness from these other women when I don’t do what they want it just makes what my aunt did feel normal. They are going based off of what they were taught. And my boundaries make them feel uncomfortable. But let me know what you think. I know that you were always honest. Do you think I see abuse everywhere Or that people are indeed being abusive in the situation?

    #358099
    Nichole
    Participant

    Ok, posting again and re reading some of our posts and come across this.

     

     

    You Wrote

    “You also wrote: “I long for the day.. where the people in  my life are happy to see me and happy for me and I don’t have to defend or be perfect. Lord please bless me with this”.

    My input today: you are still, to this very day, “so focused on (your) family”, still you “forget the abuse and reach out for the love again”, and as you do that, you are feeling worse and worse and this has been going on for.. how long, years since we communicated, and before. Only it is getting worse for you.

    You call it codependency or a love addiction. Imagine this: there is this child who goes with her mother to a particular supermarket in the neighborhood. There are other supermarkets and shops elsewhere, but it happens that this child is taken to this particular supermarket. The child craves chocolate but her mother, father, whomever takes her to that supermarket, won’t buy it for her, so she drops to the floor and kicks and screams, throwing a fit: but I want chocolate! I want it! I want it!

    Fast forward this imagery, the child is a woman, and she is still on that supermarket floor screaming: I want chocolate! I want chocolate! And I am not going anywhere until I get it! This woman is tired throwing this years long anger tantrum,  she is bruised, her body hurts, she is miserable and suffering.

    So I- in the context of the old thread- I visit you in that supermarket and I say: Nichole, get up, leave this supermarket, you can buy your own chocolate over there, outside this place. The therapists you saw- paying them thousands of dollars- didn’t help, you are still throwing that anger tantrum in that supermarket: I want that chocolate! I want it!!!

    In the old thread I told that child-woman all that I had to say, there is nothing more, then we took a break and months later you started a new thread and.. you are still suffering,  only more, still in that one supermarket still kicking and screaming, only your voice is getting weaker perhaps and your body hurts more. So what-to-do?

    Well, I figure, the child-woman is quite persistent, she will not leave! No matter what I say, no matter the thousands of dollars she spent on therapy, no matter the length of time she has been suffering- she just won’t leave that d*^* supermarket.

    Therefore, I figure, bring in some bandages, clean and dress those wounds on those legs, place a soft carpet underneath her so that she hurts less when she bangs her body against the floor. I mean, she is going to stay there, keep doing the same-old-same-old, so might as well make her more comfortable.

    In real life, outside this imagery, that means getting on psychiatric medications that will work for you. Getting serious about taking what will work, not starting and quitting but following instructions and persisting, working with one good psychiatrist on the matter.

    This way  you can be more comfortable, less pain, I hope, as you keep focusing on your family and keep reaching out for their love.

    What  do you think about giving up the idea of doing anything different from what you have been doing, but take psychiatric drugs that will make you hurt less and less, so I hope?

    anita”

     

    So I left the super market to look for my chocolate else where. I got to Florida. I attempted to stabilize in different roommate situations that did not work out. I acclimated to a church and got hurt by its members. I feel worse than I did with family most times. I feel like I made the wrong decision sometimes. Cant tell if that the child woman or me. The lines are getting blurred. I left family which was a half a** love but now have none?? My body is definitely reacting with all of this fear. I mean I cannot even choose what is for dinner without having a panic attack. Things get crazy. I feel like I am doing everything wrong. Made bad decisions. Why do I continue having the same bad experiences. Why do so many people hurt me. I feel like I have a sign on my forehead that says treat me bad. Needless to say I haven’t found my new supermarket.

    #358098
    Nichole
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

     

    How is life treating you?

    It has been a while. Yea I had been in pretty much a state of intense fear for a long time. I still do. But have periods of numbing, forgetting and confusion. A lot of pain and anger. Sadly anger at myself most times. My anxiety can literally make me hate myself. It is unfair. Makes me sad.

     

    Hope you are well despite our Worlds current condition..

     

    #346762
    Nichole
    Participant

    I am in so much fear I don’t know what else to do.

    #346740
    Nichole
    Participant

    What about my ex? And his family? They are here in Florida. Anita I feel I need help or I’m going to go crazy. I can’t even function to work these days. I need energy from somewhere I am so alone and my old programming is running rampid

    #346734
    Nichole
    Participant

    Yes COViD is out of the box in a bad way. I pray this pandemic stops.

    I am weak, vulnerable, needy and desperate. I’m wondering if I should just reach out to my aunt. I know she hurt me but I feel she is safer than this world right now.

    I need help. My fear response and stress response is way too high. It’s like I’m experiencing trauma all day long!

    #346624
    Nichole
    Participant

    It’s worse but I think the same or just more because I’ve made a lot of impulsive decisions that have gotten me more hurt. I know that I see abuse everywhere due to being abused but I also attract toxic people I know this is not perceived cruelty. But even though I know it’s not personal the little girl me is so hurt and feels like she is dying. My body hurts from anxiety.

    and this virus is only making it worse. This covid is getting scary. I hope you are doing well during this time. I know it is a hard time all over the world.

    #346396
    Nichole
    Participant

    I’m not ok Anita I feel dead inside. I’m so full of fear. So full of shame and don’t know what to do in between places. I feel lost not sure how I got here.

    #340068
    Nichole
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Im attending therapy my therapist suggested an intensive program. My head tells me this is ridiculous but I do believe I’ve suffered much trauma on my life and this could help. I have so much to process. Trying to function but this is so difficult. But I will not give up.
    I continue beating myself up for the way I self sabotaged myself. I’ve let myself down in a lot of ways due to fear. I’m wondering how do I begin forgiving myself. I try to forgive and when I don’t I kind of give up.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 237 total)