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Nichole

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 246 total)
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  • #381212
    Nichole
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I am sorry for my late reply. A lot has happened in my life. I moved locations, my grandmother died, I reunited with my father for her funeral, I started a medication and have been consistent. It has helped in ways but also has had a negative impact as far as motivation. I never feel like doing anything. Even writing this email was a challenge but I am trying to get back on the horse. I am drained and a little lost.

     

    How are you Anita?

     

    #374711
    Nichole
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

     

    Ok, your right it is a fearful place to be. I decided on more money. I already started to feel taken advantage of within the other company first couple of days. It was kind of a low pay and I thought I deserved more when I am literally at my witts end exhausting my energy to work. Am I thrilled with the other job? I dont know yet. It seems to be up in flames personnel wise but i do not want to complain. I am trying to look at work only as a means to make my livelihood versus a place for emotions. But boy that is hard when my emotions are haywire.

     

    I am having a little trouble accepting life as it is. I want things to be easier. The little girl throwing a tantrum for her family as you painted a picture for me before. But little Nichole has to grow up.

     

    Yes you Asked about what I meant about Psychoses. Yes intense fear and anxiety followed by numb/dissociation. And once in a great relief. Sometimes it makes me feel crazy.

    #374285
    Nichole
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

     

    I am glad I can make your day!

    I am glad to be in touch.

    As always you are so right, I usually take the easier road or more appealing only to learn it was too good to be true and problems arise. But this decision is different in the sense that I need more money, I would barely make it alone on the pay from remote. I could make it but just about and as for the other position I would be comfortable and be able to start paying for professional help again, which I need desperately. I am confused on this one. It is causing me to shut down and not want to do either. Beautiful about new beginning. I didn’t read this before Church. I will check Genesis tonight or tomorrow. I am scared to begin again. But I do know it is possible. For now I am lost. I still often think to calling family. Because although functioning some days I feel like have moments of psychoses. It gets scary.

    #374187
    Nichole
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

     

    Sorry for the delay in response. Hiding away from the world has been a norm for me. I do remember the rooster and glad he has stopped causing trouble.

    I did put my trust in the girl who helped me with the tire. The relationship hasn’t gone far though. And that is ok. She was helpful and I am grateful. I do my control issues likely play a role in my relationships not going far. Unconsciously I tend to try and control my experiences in various ways so I am accepted and don’t get hurt and to appear to “be ok”. I have this strong guard up with everything recently. It is so stressful. Riddled in fear most days still. I am starting to recall what you told me over a year ago. Be prepared to be uncomfortable for a while. Or something of that nature. I have been this way my entire life and so changing this stress response and patterns will take time. I guess I am just hoping for a bit more relief than I have had.

     

    Here is my latest dilemma causing me to go into overdrive. I was on unemployment for the past 3 months. I started my job hunt and landed a remote position. This is what I wanted. I also interviewed for an office coordinator position making 7 dollars more. I know I am more than competent for the position, however, I am the furthest thing from feeling confident. I feel like a worthless human being lately so it’s hard to trust myself enough to function.

     

    I had accepted the job with the remote company last week. Today the owner of the local business called me and offered position. I took it. They both start Monday. I do not know how to juggle this decision. My heart is telling me to go for more money as I definitely need to get caught up but I was thrilled to find a remote position. The position is new and being creative and thought I could really express myself. There is a lot of structure there with direct planning and projects daily which I love because not really any guessing on what is happening. Also, the local business is a screen company. It is unique to the trade and I would be in charge with most all administration. It seems like a lot of work. They both do. Which is fine but I am nervous because of course I have memories and flashbacks to the old job with my old boss. Demeaning and cruel at times. Discarded me and acted like I did not exist in the end. I do know I played a role in this as well. But how can I trust I wont create this in my life again when I am in such distress and fear still.

     

    You told me and I lived by it for a long time. Don’t judge my day on how i felt but more on how I functioned. I always carry that with me because it is true. I feel hopeless most days, sometimes so overwhelmed and lost. But my bills are paid. I am showered. My clothes are cleaned. I am fed. I am attending Church tomorrow God Willing. I will go on a walk today. So I keep wondering why my feelings wont align. But then I think back to all the unfelt feelings. And the disconnect from the people who were my tribe. I am alone beside some really kind virtual friends and pen pals like you and Tiny Buddha and my facebook people and a therapist and a group I belong to. But I guess this is my new beginning. I guess my fear is trying to hold me back from moving on.

    #371692
    Nichole
    Participant

    Merry Christmas Anita!!

    I have yet to fully read through your last few observations. They became a little triggering. As you stated being calm and reading would work best but that just has not been my narrative lately. Anything but calm. Including my tire blowing out last night on my way home from Church and having to call someone I had met months ago at Church. Fortunately she was so very kind. Picked me up and took me home no questions asked. Offered me to sleep over so I wasn’t alone and brung me some water. So very stressful but also was nice to have human contact. The Lord works in mysterious ways. Of course now we have plans to stay in touch and start walking together possibly. And of course my fear alarm is going off like a riot. Should I trust her? This is scary! This is different! Asking for what I need and having it be met is foreign and the only time I can think of someone doing that is when they in exchange wanted to abuse me. So how do I prevent that from happening again? I am the least common denominator! Change is so hard but staying the same is harder! So many many thoughts and questions consuming  my brain. These were all rhetorical by the way. Just venting my current.

     

    I hope you enjoy your holidays and hopefully your neighbors roosters I believe? did not wake you up this Christmas morning.

    #370794
    Nichole
    Participant

    You are right. I just got some more information on it today. And looking outside of myself it is best to get it for our society. Stronger Together.
    <div></div>
    <div>The last time I spoke to my aunt on the phone was in April. I called her desperately and divulged the details of my sexual abuse. At the time in was just grappling over in my mind and body. Initially she was very compassionate. She validated my feelings offered to help me with anything I needed. Offered to buy me a plane ticket or to call my cousins who live two hours away from me to pick me up. I declined both at the time. Because after the fact I got scared. My anxiety rushed in and I remembered all that happened to us before this.</div>
    <div></div>
    <div>Now a few days later this was our interaction. She called to check in. I told her I was still feeling bad. I wanted more from her. I wanted her to hold me in that moment but I know she couldn’t. I did want to take her offer on the plane ticket and go with her and I wish I had at the time. I needed someone so bad. I still was semi full of life at the time. But doubt over took me.</div>
    <div>Then came some shame. Asking me why I had stopped contact with everyone if David was my reason of being afraid. I don’t know if she meant to be shaming but I felt shame. And I wished I could communicate better. But I just shut down and blocked her again. Which is not cool on my part. I can’t trust what is wrong or right. I’ve literally blocked so many people after an interaction like this. My issue is communication. Really, it’s confrontation. If I felt shamed I need to speak up and say hey what you are saying is making me feel bad. If I don’t I’m left with assumptions and fear of what could have been</div>

    #370750
    Nichole
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I am not sure if I would get the vaccine. I am usually skeptical about what I put in my body. Especially now in 2020. I know the situation is demanding but I still have to consider.

    I am not sure how calm my writing will sound tonight as I am in an uproar this week. I cannot pin point why such low times other than the holiday possibly. I am pretty far from myself. So I could not even say if I was sad or depressed just comes in waves of anxiety or shut down. I hate this feeling. I know it is so common in PTSD but I want nothing more than to be able to breath and feel connected.

    So I have read all the past posts regarding my Aunt however I still think about engaging all the time. How alarming is that? Here is my explanations. My aunt definitely projects and she victimized in many situations and even denied smearing me. But I look at the good. The laughs. The way she stayed by my side during rough times. She is one of the few people in my life who has reciprocated. Now my immediate family not so much. I always felt comfortable sharing my feelings and processing things with her. I have not found that and I believe that is why I am so disconnected. I need to cry and vent and process the things that have happened. So much has happened since Florida and all of it is just floating around in my head. I hardly function these days. I have tried many times connecting in Churches and groups and it never works. I get it. because I am bringing my unprocessed trauma along with me. Also, I don’t feel like I belong anywhere. I am so alone, so isolated. How can I ground this way? Don’t we all need love and connection to survive? I have not much good coming in to combat the pain and so I am imbalanced for sure. It is scary to me. I am forgetful, I procrastinate, I am on unemployment currently because the job I have is only part time so I am still receiving assistance. I miss being financially stable. I am scared of my future. I know I can and will survive but I could surely use some help. Now yes, I understand my family did torpido my boat but am I really doing myself service not seeking help when I need it?

     

    I am financially suffering, emotionally and even on a functioning level. I keep trying here alone in Florida. Perhaps my writing seems calmer but I am not better. I laid in bed all day today with a fear of moving. I am scared of people. I feel their energy and pain when I am working with the public.

     

    My ptsd has been triggered by so many people since leaving my family. I have found that 90% of the people I have met are just as abusive as my family. I see it now all as fear. I think I consider talking to my aunt based on what I have found in the world. Is that terrible, that I see what is out here and I don’t think it is better? I wish I had someone to encourage me and just see me in my pain. I have dealt with way too much on my own.  The moves, the job loss, the people I have come across, the financial plunge. How can I begin to function and move forward. Even if I try not to think about it the thought of communicating with family or just my aunt is there. I do still feel like that little girl begging for love. I have tried to self love during this time but lately showering is the only self love I have for myself. Considering meds again. I have a prescription just reluctant to take them.

     

    Sorry for the rant. I am feeling lost tonight. Not sure what tomorrow will bring.

    #369858
    Nichole
    Participant

    Thanks for getting back Anita,

     

    I honestly wouldn’t have know about the pandemic statistics had you not mentioned them. I feel safe against Covid just because of my faith but honestly I have been working with the public a lot lately so I am highly exposed.

    Thanks for complimenting my writing. I think through all of the pain and suffering I’ve become much more expressive in writing and in speaking at times. When you are in the midst of suffering sometimes your voice dies and when you are put to the test you have to dig deep and find the words. I’m working on this.

    What a year! The isolation has made things worse and more confusing. I’ve recently considered contacting my aunt. The one I lived with. There are things I miss about her. But not sure if that’s just the nostalgia. I read back to some of posts last year and I was in despair in that relationship at one point. I’m lacking the support I need with all of the trauma coming up for me. My sexual abuse has been prominent but I struggle to go down that road knowing there isn’t an emotionally available close relationship I can rely on when that road gets bumpy.

     

     

     

    #369801
    Nichole
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

     

    Long Long time.
    I was in the epicenter of the pandemic. You are right about that, I would have never guessed a pandemic when I chose to move states. It was quite a jab or push off the ledge. Life was really hard and then Covid came in with a roar! The old hard was nothing compared to this!

    Life has been a survival story. One day at a time. One breath at a time. For me and for many. The collective energy has made healing much harder. And very unfortunate that you cannot tell trauma to pause while there is a pandemic going on. What a nice thought though.

    Gosh I’ve been on a bumpy road. I think back to reading your posts about your trials and I think I can relate. After leaving Chicago I’ve lived 5 places. I’ve clashed with many people. I’ve felt attacked, abused and misunderstood. I’m left with burnout, so numb but slowly dipping my toes into the muck with some much needed support from professionals and wise people. Time has passed and passed and I wonder what it all meant. How am I here? Feeling worthless, scared and no vision. I had some of that at one point.

    I miss chatting with you. You were such a huge part of my journey. I hope to pick up where we left off. Trying to get back on a road to myself. Doing the things I used to do that made me feel better.

    #362305
    Nichole
    Participant

    Hi Anita, thank you.

    As always you read me well. You are right. I have no choice but to make it in this world as an abused adult. I have my good days that I make through more than just surviving and I’m so grateful for those days and days like today where I struggle hard and feel victimized all over. I truly struggle with a victim mentality and it does not benefit me but my anxiety really takes over and I feel trapped. And stuck in life.

    #362304
    Nichole
    Participant

    John thank you so much I appreciate. I’m hoping to find victory as well. I want nothing more to heal and bring nothing but love and light to others.

    #358838
    Nichole
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

     

    I have thought of some new possibilities. Including, finding a new job Asap. My boss is triggering me daily. He is a special kind of cruel. Today he made a anonymous Offer Up page and antagonized me on it. I believe sometimes you have doubted the abuse I have endured recently out of the belief that it is my perception of the world. I know I am living with an abused filter. 100%. But it does mean there is no abuse. Abuse has happened because I allow it. Tonight I am feeling so much. I am so disappointing that I did not care for myself. That I sabotaged my life because of the actions of others again. It hurts so bad right now. There were so many times I knew what I should do but my anxiety and constant care for others caused me to prioritize me right under my nose. I always felt like I was doing what was best for me but I was letting the voice in my head win. It hurts. I thought I learned that I should come first. I thought I was healing. I should of listened to you and others on what moves to make. I feel like I let myself down. I have been sabotaging for decades. I am so scared of healing and for what is to come. I fear I will keep being abused. And even more that I will keep abusing myself in my head. I do not deserve it and I still struggle to love me. I struggle to forgive. I am so hard on myself. I am repeating all that was told me all of my life. I realize my entire childhood consisted of being wrong. I was never right. I could be sick and I was told to suck it up, I could be hurt at school and I was asked what I did, someone could have disrespected me and I was told to hush, My grandma could have isolated me and I was told to not disrespect my elders, I was sent out into the world with 0 tools on how to protect myself. My parents lived such a toxic dangerous life yet never felt the need to tell me about the cruel cruel world. I was left to fend for myself so submitting was my choice so that I can control not being hurt. At least that is how I seen it. I am so sad by this. I needed help. I needed protection. I was so scared all the time. I did not know whether I would come home to no mom again, my dad beating on the walls, locked in the bathroom overdosing on drugs, my brothers bullying me, whether it would be a night for a sneak attack from my brother and his penis on my back. God it hurts to admit this. It hurts to know I had no one and still have no one to protect in my family. I truly feel like I need help and continue trying to do this on my own. I am struggling. I am a grown woman who is feeling like a 5 year trying to live on her own with no contact from the outside world. I am completely exhausted.

     

    Rant over. I sit here in tears. I sit here scared for the future. I sit here wondering who can I turn to? It was never fair for me to have to go through everything alone and why do I have to now?

     

     

    #358494
    Nichole
    Participant

    I will try this out. Everyday I come up with a semi new plan but executing is nearly impossible. It’s like my brain shuts everything down. I really hate complaining so much but the fear and anxiety are real these days.

    yes I’m in an apartment without roomates. It is quiet and no issues.

    #358489
    Nichole
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: center;”>Yes I had a moment back in April where my feelings regarding the muse my brother did was overwhelming and a friend of mine suggested to just call and not assume what to expect so I did. Yes I had a moment back in April where my feelings regarding the muse my brother did was overwhelming and a friend of mine suggested to just call and not assume what to expect so I did.  She was very supportive she was shocked and I was in a really bad place and she can tell so she’s fine you shouldn’t be alone I will buy you a ticket and you can come stay with me for sometime. At the time Covid was happening so I was resistant. We spoke for a few days after and I haven’t been in contact since. I think it’s just the fact that I never forget what she did to me back when I lived with her and also my anxiety just making me believe I’ve got abused again and feeling terrified. It is so confusing because I know more than anything I need some kind of love and Connection in my life. But I need to feel it and not just be so logic I need to feel cared about again. All I have enjoyed is stress upon stress with no human contact or hog or assistance or anything. It’s just been me going through hell. I’m not really sure what my next step is but I need to do something.</p>

    #358256
    Nichole
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

     

    OK so you have also experienced living in peoples homes? We have a lot in common. I did the Roomate thing because I wasn’t ready to commit to an apartment or lease after having to drop my lease back in Illinois and lose my deposit. I also thought it would be cool to find some nice people to live with After what I have been through. But I have learned in these six months month that I cannot look externally for that until my internal is in a better place. My problem is that with all the stress of moving dealing with all these problems at these places and not having support along the way so stressful on my body. My anxiety increased every time. My peace level and self love plummeted.

    I am still dealing with my boss acting like tyrant most days. I have no love or good coming in. It is just me. At this point I miss my family and after seeing how the rest of the world is I honestly don’t know if they are bad or not. This doesn’t include my brother who abused me. But the things these roommates did were similar to what my aunt did. People obviously have expectations when you live with them. I don’t agree with this at all. I feel that if you have an agreement with someone where they are paying for a room and you just got your expectations then it should be that. But this is a human experience and humans are not perfect and we go based on our feelings. I’m struggling to understand if this is something that I’m learning or I’m getting into things people have done to me because I’m so I don’t agree with this at all. I feel that if you have an agreement with someone where they are paying for a room and you discuss your expectations then it should be that. But this is a human experience and humans are not perfect and we go based on our feelings. I’m struggling to understand if this is something that I’m learning or I’m giving into things people have done to me because I’m so lonely?

    what I mean is after being in the world alone, I don’t see my family as the monsters I once did. I see them acting like human people who have imperfections that did hurt me but so did tons of Christians I met at Church. I guess my point too is that why put up with people in the world being cruel and not caring what I have been through verses having my family who can love me the way they know how. It’s still engagement in my life and the know the pain of all the deaths I’ve been through. We just lost my grandfather back in April too.

    I just thought I’d feel better leaving toxic relationships but I feel worse. My anxiety makes me feel horrible about myself so it’s hard to make relationships this way and I have no interaction most days. This is not healthy with my current mental health.

    I am currently in an independent apartment so no more drama there. And I’m safe but suffering greatly with my Anxiety and depression.
    Not sure of my plan

     

    sorry if I have been all over the place with my words and forgive my grammar I’m voiced my this into my phone.

     

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