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What will my life be now?

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  • This topic has 183 replies, 11 voices, and was last updated 1 month ago by anita.
Viewing 15 posts - 166 through 180 (of 184 total)
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  • #412581
    Anonymous
    Guest

    I hope you are well, Nichole, MeRRy ChRistMas!

    anita

    #413137
    Anonymous
    Guest

    I am still hoping that you are okay, Nichole, and that you are finding your own hope and strength in your Christian faith and church!

    anita

    #427297
    Nichole
    Participant

    Anita!

    It has been a long long time. Thank you for continuing to write me. For some reason I had not received notifications that you wrote and I could have just looked up our last entries but I kind of lost touch. I am very happy to be writing you.

    My it has been over 1.5 years since we spoke I believe. A lot has happened in that time. Not sure where to begin but I will try.

    I am doing well in a sense.

    I am working at the same job, I live in the same apartment. I have a grown a lot and better deal with life. By no means do I have it figured out though lol.

    I am not dating nor in a relationship. I have spoke to some family and even had my father visit me in June. I am back on a texting basis with one brother and my niece.

    I am financially stable. Not overly well off but pay my bills on time and can afford some self care luxuries.

    I was seeing a man that I worked with for a while. It was not the best experience. I seem to attract similar traits in men.

    I recently recognized in my current position at work that the load is too much for me. I have been supervising my department for the last year. So I have  demoted myself (Voluntarily)  to focus more on me and my life again. Not sure if that makes sense.

    Have not been to Church as much as I’d like. Still have not found my fit for a Church family but now that I will be working a bit less and having hopefully less stress work wise I can focus more on my Church/Social life.

     

    How are you Anita??

    I hope you are doing very well. I am happy to see you still write.

     

    #427307
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    Almost a year and 5 months to the day you posted last in this thread, a thread you started on Sept 11, 2019 (interesting date, isn’t it), and a bit over 5 years and 5 months since you posted on tiny buddha for the first time (Aug 21, 2018). Welcome back!

    I am working at the same job, I live in the same apartment… I am financially stable. Not overly well off, but pay my bills on time and can afford some self care luxuries“- excellent! Sameness (same job, same apartment) and Stability, financial and otherwise, are very, very important to your mental health, given your childhood and onward history of heightened anxiety and fluctuating, intense moods.

    I am so glad that you are still living in Florida. I went over our communication over the years and found this post which you submitted right after moving to Florida (January 9, 2020): “Happy New Year Anita! Yes, I start my 2nd chapter here in Florida with yet again a car full of things!… Trying my best and advocating for myself“- this was 4 years ago, and you are still advocating for yourself, excellent job, Nichole!

    I am not dating nor in a relationship“- this is a factor that promotes stability and sameness in your life. The romantic relationship you had years ago in Florida was a source of a lot of turmoil and instability. Actually, relationships in general, were in the past, a source of turmoil and instability.

    I have spoken to some family and even had my father visit me in June. I am back on a texting basis with one brother and my niece”– having re-read parts of our communication through the years, I’d say: watch for the danger of nostalgia because repeatedly, as a pattern, when you felt badly, you looked back at memories of moments of positive experience with your family, forgetting the massive misery that you experienced with them right before, and right after those moments, much of the time!

    I have grown a lot and better deal with life. By no means do I have it figured out though lol“- your growth and much improved mental (and practical) function in life is evident in your writing!

    I was seeing a man that I worked with for a while. It was not the best experience. I seem to attract similar traits in men“- like I said, relationships have been a source of turmoil.

    I recently recognized in my current position at work that the load is too much for me. I have been supervising my department for the last year. So I have  demoted myself (Voluntarily)  to focus more on me and my life again. Not sure if that makes sense“- it makes sense to me, this is part of your much improved functioning in life!

    Have not been to Church as much as I’d like. Still have not found my fit for a Church family but now that I will be working a bit less and having hopefully less stress work wise I can focus more on my Church/Social life“- good idea, but proceed with caution. The very thing you need (we all need), socializing, connecting with others, can be a source of anxiety and turmoil. Evaluate people, be selective and patient, one step at a time.. slowly,  cautiously.

    Back on Jan 9, 2019, 5 years ago, and a year before you moved to Florida, I wrote to you: “Pause  between feeling badly and automatically reacting to the bad feeling…  In that pause calm down and think logically. Focus on functioning effectively, communicating with others effectively, living effectively, producing win-win interactions with others.

    “Functioning effectively and producing those win-win interactions (avoiding people with whom such  is not possible) will make you feel better over time and give you the practice you need…  Take  breaks from anxiety and distress by exercising, taking walks…  Make a routine of such (positive) distractions, ex., a walk  per day at a certain time, if possible. When you experience conflicts with other people, it is time for conflict resolution skills…  Read about and practice Mindfulness, exercise it daily”-

    – still good advice today, so that you continue to make progress on top of the progress you already made, slowly, patiently.

    How are you Anita?? I hope you are doing very well. I am happy to see you still write.“- thank you! I am fine, given how much it rains here! Still focusing on having a positive meaning in my life. Communicating with you again this morning is giving me the positive meaning that I need, a feeling that I am busy doing something good, intended for your benefit and mine.

    anita

    #427764
    Nichole
    Participant

    Anita,

     

    Very true, the stability from my job and consistency of where I have been living have helped get me back in a better place. I had not recently thought about the correlation between the moving around I was doing and my childhood. Growing up we moved around quite a bit. Finances were not stable.  I can still get really anxious when something unexpected happens. I fear the worse. I’ll be homeless and unable to provide for myself. With the work I have been doing I know this to be untrue. I have, even at my most fearful, always provided for myself. In the future I would like to better my relationship with money. I would like to thrive. Nonetheless,  I am grateful for what I do have.

    Yes, past relationships and even the most recent one created turmoil. This last man was really just a distraction from dealing with where my life was. But I was also craving male attention as I still do. I settled with him. I knew he was not good for me or my soul but I continued on. Eventually, the differences were so clear that I could not stand to see him one more time. I have been peaceful since. But, I still believe in my heart that I was born to be a Mom and wife. My lifelong dream! I am 35 now, will it ever be? I have juggled with maybe it won’t. and I will have to live with that. I really just struggle to make friends or relationships. It is the trust issue. I hide myself a lot. I also attract similar patterns in people, but now, more than ever I feel so much more self aware about this.

     

    Last week I started back into my new role after my voluntary demotion. It has been peaceful. I learned so much in leadership. I learned that I lead well. I lead with my heart and soul. My team loved me and I loved them. But, I learned that my boundaries would soon creep in. And to constantly work on boundaries can, at times, be empowering but also exhausting. Most times I gave way too much of myself. I look forward to spending the rest of this year treating work as just work and creating a life outside of it.

    Bringing me to my family…

    Your always spot on Anita! I can easily go into a nostalgic place with family. I do believe we had some wonderful times. My Father came in June, and it was great! We spent five days together. I knew better than to get attached. He struggles with alcohol and drug addiction. I know too well. He loves me when he can but he will most likely always return to his ways. I am coming to peace with this. As for my brother, it is just simple texts. I just want peace with them. I know they cannot provide the family environment I craved for so long.  But with my niece, this relationship is important to me. I know that she will need me in her life. She is 15 now. She will soon be heading for life’s ups and downs as well all do as we grow up and I want to be a wise person in her life. I love her so much. I am so happy to be in touch with her. I would love to go see her this summer. No exceptions, other than it my job to love her the best I can while I am in her company.

     

    Yes, I wish I would have been able to apply your wonderful advice on relationships in a better way back then. I do believe I can function this way now. Mindfulness can be hard for me some times but I am starting to slow down more. I really would like to create connections that are stimulating and balanced.  I know that it begins with me. If I give/offer to much of me too fast I will likely attract people that will take quicker than I give. I look forward to slowing down. Paying attention to people and just having fun if I can. I just need the motivation to do it. I think talking about it is a start!

     

    I am glad that you are fine. You mean a whole lot to myself, so can imagine how others on here feel as well. We had not spoke for 1.5 years but I always thought about you and your advice. The idea that you spent so much time reading my long, dramatic emails at times and you would be patient and kind and offer really good advice is so beautiful. Always will be appreciated.

    #427765
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    Thank you so much for your kind words, means a lot to me! I want to attentively read and reply to you Tues morning (it is now 1:27 pm here, 4:27 pm your time).

    anita

    #427800
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    Very true, the stability from my job and consistency of where I have been living have helped get me back in a better place. I had not recently thought about the correlation between the moving around I was doing and my childhood. Growing up we moved around quite a bit. Finances were not stable.  I can still get really anxious when something unexpected happens. I fear the worse. I’ll be homeless and unable to provide for myself“- this is an excellent testimony to how important STABILITY and CONSISTENCY are for a person’s mental (and physical) health. Experiencing instability and inconsistency as a child translates to excess anxiety in childhood and in adulthood.

    C o N g R a T u L a T i O n S   for creating stability and consistency in your life!

    With the work I have been doing I know this to be untrue. I have, even at my most fearful, always provided for myself. In the future I would like to better my relationship with money. I would like to thrive. Nonetheless,  I am grateful for what I do have“- I remember that I was concerned, in the past, about you giving your money away to family members, such as to your younger brother. I wanted you to take better care of yourself!

    Yes, past relationships and even the most recent one created turmoil. This last man was really just a distraction from dealing with where my life was. But I was also craving male attention as I still do… I still believe in my heart that I was born to be a Mom and wife. My lifelong dream! I am 35 now, will it ever be? I have juggled with maybe it won’t. and I will have to live with that. I really just struggle to make friends or relationships. It is the trust issue. I hide myself a lot“- like I wrote above, instability and inconsistency in childhood translate to excess anxiety in adulthood, and with that excess anxiety, we are afraid to trust, we struggle to maintain relationships… and we hide.

    I hope that within the next few years, you will manage to be a good wife to a good husband and a good Mom!

    I also attract similar patterns in people, but now, more than ever I feel so much more self aware about this“- awareness makes changes possible in what and who you attract and .. what and whom you are attracted to.

    Last week I started back into my new role after my voluntary demotion. It has been peaceful. I learned so much in leadership. I learned that I lead well. I lead with my heart and soul. My team loved me and I loved them… Most times I gave way too much of myself. I look forward to spending the rest of this year treating work as just work and creating a life outside of it“- imagine giving more to yourself, and then, to the right man.. and then, to your child, creating stability and consistency in your family of choice!

    Bringing me to my family.. You’re always spot on Anita! I can easily go into a nostalgic place with family. I do believe we had some wonderful times. My Father came in June, and it was great! We spent five days together. I knew better than to get attached. He struggles with alcohol and drug addiction. I know too well. He loves me when he can but he will most likely always return to his ways. I am coming to peace with this“- you knew better than to get attached to him because he loves you when he can, you wrote, meaning that his love is not stable and not consistent: it’s there at times, gone at other times.

    As for my brother, it is just simple texts. I just want peace with them. I know they cannot provide the family environment I craved for so long“- you craved for stable consistent love in your family of origin, a craving unsatisfied.

    But with my niece, this relationship is important to me. I know that she will need me in her life. She is 15 now. She will soon be heading for life’s ups and downs, as well all do as we grow up, and I want to be a wise person in her life. I love her so much. I am so happy to be in touch with her. I would love to go see her this summer“- true love of an aunt for her niece, the love of a woman for the girl you once were..?

    Yes, I wish I would have been able to apply your wonderful advice on relationships in a better way back then. I do believe I can function this way now. Mindfulness can be hard for me some times but I am starting to slow down more. I really would like to create connections that are stimulating and balanced.  I know that it begins with me. If I give/offer to much of me too fast I will likely attract people that will take quicker than I give. I look forward to slowing down. Paying attention to people and just having fun if I can. I just need the motivation to do it. I think talking about it is a start!“- you express yourself so well, I am positively impressed with your state of mind, awareness, insight and maturity!

    And again, thank you for your kind words.. You are an amazing person, Nichole, thank you for being you!!!

    anita

    #428483
    anita
    Participant

    Thinking about you, Nichole.

    anita

    #431756
    Nichole
    Participant

    Anita!

    I have had an interesting/stressful last few weeks. My father has been suffering from some health issues. I had know about them but did not understand the severity. A few weeks ago he flew to AZ with my niece. Once there my brother found him out of breath and turning purple. He was rushed to the ER. Eventually needing life support. Once it got to that point I decided to take a trip to AZ to see him. I knew it could be the last time I would see him and I did not want to miss that opportunity.

    Learning this information and knowing I would be in AZ I broke no contact with my oldest brother and his family. Between this and making so many big decisions regarding my Father’s life last week I was definitely challenged. I am proud to say that I survived and thrived during the experience. My father is no longer on life support. He is still struggling but better than it was.  My brothers and I had to decide decisions while he was under. It was so scary. So sad.

    I stayed at my brothers home for financial reasons. It just made more sense. We ended up having a good time catching up in between supporting my father. We met for lunch multiple times while I was there and he was out of work. I often imagined seeing him to be more scary. It wasn’t. I also lost a lot of anger I used to have for him. It is a little confusing. I used to hate him for the things he has done. And here I was loving him. The relationship is not perfect but being reunited in some is peaceful. He apologized and admitted a few things even though I tried hard not to talk about the past. Underneath him being the oldest of us all and the more “powerful” one, he is very sensitive and craves family and attention. He loves having company and was sad when I left. He likes to be surrounded by family. And I explained I am more of a loner. I need quite a bit of time to replenish my energy. I was trying to be open about my boundaries going forward.

    I like the peace and forgiveness that has come over me in regards to family. I feel like it is a part of me I was trying to deny for so long. And for good reason because I needed to.

    As I adapt back into Florida time and work this week I am just trying to get back into gear with my own schedule and goals again.

     

    #431759
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    Good to read this most interesting update, including that your father is doing better and is no longer on life support. I wish him continuing recovery!

    About your time in Arizona, you wrote: “I am proud to say that I survived and thrived during the experience…. I stayed at my brothers home for financial reasons. It just made more sense. We ended up having a good time catching up in between supporting my father… I also lost a lot of anger I used to have for him… here I was loving him. The relationship is not perfect but being reunited in some is peaceful. He apologized and admitted a few things… I like the peace and forgiveness that has come over me in regards to family. I feel like it is a part of me I was trying to deny for so long. And for good reason because I needed to“- May the peace and forgiveness that you feel last and last.

    “”As I adapt back into Florida time and work this week I am just trying to get back into gear with my own schedule and goals again.“- and may you focus on your life away and independently of your family.

    A walk on memory lane- exactly 2 years ago, on April 16, 2022, you posted: “A lot has changed since we last spoke. Although I’ve been consistent with work and have caught up financially, it has become so stressful. I’m working in a call center. The pain I feel and sense here is extreme. People intentionally triggering people all day long like a zoo! I’m sorry if I seem more angry than usual. But I have had it. I’m overwhelmed… I do not know what it was that calmed me. But I imagined it all last night and I imagine anyone holding me most nights… I miss someone to go to dinner with. I miss someone to go to the beach with. And so yes, I have extended myself to groups and even tried to date but it’s so hard to make new connections when I still have so much trauma built up and I feel like I keep adding more by trying to do everything alone“-

    – Less than an hour ago, I submitted a post about Loneliness. Loneliness was declared “a global public health concern”  by the World Health Organization a few months ago. The more socially/ emotionally connected we are to other people, in positively supportive ways, the healthier we are, physically and mentally!

    anita

    #432021
    anita
    Participant

    Thinking about you this evening, Nichole, 6:33 pm here, 9:33 pm where you’re at. Good night, Nichole!

    anita

    #432308
    Nichole
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

     

    I have yet to read your post on Loneliness but I will! I do recognize loneliness is a more wide spread issue than just myself.  Most people are afraid of people, like me lol.

    It is weird to look at those past posts I have made. To think I was in so much pain and so confused most of the time. I am so grateful I have made such progress. I am thankful for never giving up even though I thought about it a million times.

    I am working on continuing my life here independently. Due to my father being in such critical condition my brother and I had been in a lot of contact. But now he is getting a bit better. I am working on having less contact with him and sticking to my boundaries. This is something I do across the board. I lose myself in situations, relationships etc. Each time I notice and something arises I learn more and more that I was just so raised to do do do for others. Almost like I was invisible. So I am really just working on what my truth is. Who am I? What do I stand for? How do I develop relationships and own my spot in it.

    My brother can get clingy so I think in this situation just remembering that I have a say in how much time I give him is my first step. And when I begin to feel bad for him, I have to remember that I am not responsible for his feelings.

    #432310
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    good to read back from you! I will reply further later this Fri, or Sat morning.

    anita

    #432323
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    I am so grateful I have made such progress. I am thankful for never giving up even though I thought about it a million times“- reading this is inspirational!

    I am working on having less contact with him… My brother can get clingy“- are you referring to your older brother or the younger one?

    and sticking to my boundaries. This is something I do across the board. I lose myself in situations, relationships etc. Each time I notice and something arises I learn more and more that I was just so raised to do, do, do, for others. Almost like I was invisible“- you express yourself so clearly, so succinctly, I am impressed!

    Good thing you are sticking to your boundaries across the board! Losing yourself in situations with other people and feeling invisible are synonymous. Boundaries keep you visible.

    So I am really just working on what my truth is. Who am I? What do I stand for? How do I develop relationships and own my spot in it“- you are welcome to share your answers to these questions…

    Again, good to read from you!

    anita

     

    #432472
    Nichole
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

     

    I was speaking on my oldest brother, David. And to be honest since I last wrote I realized that I naturally blame the other party. It is not only that my brother can be clingy, it is that I was also enjoying the attention. It was exciting to be back in contact. It was a distraction from some of my own issues in my own life. It was my loneliness. Anyhow, we have not spoke other than in short. I have set a boundary, silently, and he seems to be respecting it.

     

    Boundaries are hard to stick to I find. I don’t know if throughout the years my mind has created a poor memory but I set boundaries and goals and can easily move on to the next or just forget, lose interest in this important goal/boundary I set. I find it hard to stay consistent. And it’s disappointing.

     

    Last month  my uncle and I spoke. During the conversation he let me know that he would like to gift me a down payment on a condo. I was stunned. I have never received such a monetary gift. I don’t think I spoke about this uncle much. Since then I have been learning so much about buying a home and what is actually required. I have a lot of work to do financially before I can afford this. This is a goal I must stick to.

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