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What will my life be now?

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  • #412581
    Anonymous
    Guest

    I hope you are well, Nichole, MeRRy ChRistMas!

    anita

    #413137
    Anonymous
    Guest

    I am still hoping that you are okay, Nichole, and that you are finding your own hope and strength in your Christian faith and church!

    anita

    #427297
    Nichole
    Participant

    Anita!

    It has been a long long time. Thank you for continuing to write me. For some reason I had not received notifications that you wrote and I could have just looked up our last entries but I kind of lost touch. I am very happy to be writing you.

    My it has been over 1.5 years since we spoke I believe. A lot has happened in that time. Not sure where to begin but I will try.

    I am doing well in a sense.

    I am working at the same job, I live in the same apartment. I have a grown a lot and better deal with life. By no means do I have it figured out though lol.

    I am not dating nor in a relationship. I have spoke to some family and even had my father visit me in June. I am back on a texting basis with one brother and my niece.

    I am financially stable. Not overly well off but pay my bills on time and can afford some self care luxuries.

    I was seeing a man that I worked with for a while. It was not the best experience. I seem to attract similar traits in men.

    I recently recognized in my current position at work that the load is too much for me. I have been supervising my department for the last year. So I have  demoted myself (Voluntarily)  to focus more on me and my life again. Not sure if that makes sense.

    Have not been to Church as much as I’d like. Still have not found my fit for a Church family but now that I will be working a bit less and having hopefully less stress work wise I can focus more on my Church/Social life.

     

    How are you Anita??

    I hope you are doing very well. I am happy to see you still write.

     

    #427307
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    Almost a year and 5 months to the day you posted last in this thread, a thread you started on Sept 11, 2019 (interesting date, isn’t it), and a bit over 5 years and 5 months since you posted on tiny buddha for the first time (Aug 21, 2018). Welcome back!

    I am working at the same job, I live in the same apartment… I am financially stable. Not overly well off, but pay my bills on time and can afford some self care luxuries“- excellent! Sameness (same job, same apartment) and Stability, financial and otherwise, are very, very important to your mental health, given your childhood and onward history of heightened anxiety and fluctuating, intense moods.

    I am so glad that you are still living in Florida. I went over our communication over the years and found this post which you submitted right after moving to Florida (January 9, 2020): “Happy New Year Anita! Yes, I start my 2nd chapter here in Florida with yet again a car full of things!… Trying my best and advocating for myself“- this was 4 years ago, and you are still advocating for yourself, excellent job, Nichole!

    I am not dating nor in a relationship“- this is a factor that promotes stability and sameness in your life. The romantic relationship you had years ago in Florida was a source of a lot of turmoil and instability. Actually, relationships in general, were in the past, a source of turmoil and instability.

    I have spoken to some family and even had my father visit me in June. I am back on a texting basis with one brother and my niece”– having re-read parts of our communication through the years, I’d say: watch for the danger of nostalgia because repeatedly, as a pattern, when you felt badly, you looked back at memories of moments of positive experience with your family, forgetting the massive misery that you experienced with them right before, and right after those moments, much of the time!

    I have grown a lot and better deal with life. By no means do I have it figured out though lol“- your growth and much improved mental (and practical) function in life is evident in your writing!

    I was seeing a man that I worked with for a while. It was not the best experience. I seem to attract similar traits in men“- like I said, relationships have been a source of turmoil.

    I recently recognized in my current position at work that the load is too much for me. I have been supervising my department for the last year. So I have  demoted myself (Voluntarily)  to focus more on me and my life again. Not sure if that makes sense“- it makes sense to me, this is part of your much improved functioning in life!

    Have not been to Church as much as I’d like. Still have not found my fit for a Church family but now that I will be working a bit less and having hopefully less stress work wise I can focus more on my Church/Social life“- good idea, but proceed with caution. The very thing you need (we all need), socializing, connecting with others, can be a source of anxiety and turmoil. Evaluate people, be selective and patient, one step at a time.. slowly,  cautiously.

    Back on Jan 9, 2019, 5 years ago, and a year before you moved to Florida, I wrote to you: “Pause  between feeling badly and automatically reacting to the bad feeling…  In that pause calm down and think logically. Focus on functioning effectively, communicating with others effectively, living effectively, producing win-win interactions with others.

    “Functioning effectively and producing those win-win interactions (avoiding people with whom such  is not possible) will make you feel better over time and give you the practice you need…  Take  breaks from anxiety and distress by exercising, taking walks…  Make a routine of such (positive) distractions, ex., a walk  per day at a certain time, if possible. When you experience conflicts with other people, it is time for conflict resolution skills…  Read about and practice Mindfulness, exercise it daily”-

    – still good advice today, so that you continue to make progress on top of the progress you already made, slowly, patiently.

    How are you Anita?? I hope you are doing very well. I am happy to see you still write.“- thank you! I am fine, given how much it rains here! Still focusing on having a positive meaning in my life. Communicating with you again this morning is giving me the positive meaning that I need, a feeling that I am busy doing something good, intended for your benefit and mine.

    anita

    #427764
    Nichole
    Participant

    Anita,

     

    Very true, the stability from my job and consistency of where I have been living have helped get me back in a better place. I had not recently thought about the correlation between the moving around I was doing and my childhood. Growing up we moved around quite a bit. Finances were not stable.  I can still get really anxious when something unexpected happens. I fear the worse. I’ll be homeless and unable to provide for myself. With the work I have been doing I know this to be untrue. I have, even at my most fearful, always provided for myself. In the future I would like to better my relationship with money. I would like to thrive. Nonetheless,  I am grateful for what I do have.

    Yes, past relationships and even the most recent one created turmoil. This last man was really just a distraction from dealing with where my life was. But I was also craving male attention as I still do. I settled with him. I knew he was not good for me or my soul but I continued on. Eventually, the differences were so clear that I could not stand to see him one more time. I have been peaceful since. But, I still believe in my heart that I was born to be a Mom and wife. My lifelong dream! I am 35 now, will it ever be? I have juggled with maybe it won’t. and I will have to live with that. I really just struggle to make friends or relationships. It is the trust issue. I hide myself a lot. I also attract similar patterns in people, but now, more than ever I feel so much more self aware about this.

     

    Last week I started back into my new role after my voluntary demotion. It has been peaceful. I learned so much in leadership. I learned that I lead well. I lead with my heart and soul. My team loved me and I loved them. But, I learned that my boundaries would soon creep in. And to constantly work on boundaries can, at times, be empowering but also exhausting. Most times I gave way too much of myself. I look forward to spending the rest of this year treating work as just work and creating a life outside of it.

    Bringing me to my family…

    Your always spot on Anita! I can easily go into a nostalgic place with family. I do believe we had some wonderful times. My Father came in June, and it was great! We spent five days together. I knew better than to get attached. He struggles with alcohol and drug addiction. I know too well. He loves me when he can but he will most likely always return to his ways. I am coming to peace with this. As for my brother, it is just simple texts. I just want peace with them. I know they cannot provide the family environment I craved for so long.  But with my niece, this relationship is important to me. I know that she will need me in her life. She is 15 now. She will soon be heading for life’s ups and downs as well all do as we grow up and I want to be a wise person in her life. I love her so much. I am so happy to be in touch with her. I would love to go see her this summer. No exceptions, other than it my job to love her the best I can while I am in her company.

     

    Yes, I wish I would have been able to apply your wonderful advice on relationships in a better way back then. I do believe I can function this way now. Mindfulness can be hard for me some times but I am starting to slow down more. I really would like to create connections that are stimulating and balanced.  I know that it begins with me. If I give/offer to much of me too fast I will likely attract people that will take quicker than I give. I look forward to slowing down. Paying attention to people and just having fun if I can. I just need the motivation to do it. I think talking about it is a start!

     

    I am glad that you are fine. You mean a whole lot to myself, so can imagine how others on here feel as well. We had not spoke for 1.5 years but I always thought about you and your advice. The idea that you spent so much time reading my long, dramatic emails at times and you would be patient and kind and offer really good advice is so beautiful. Always will be appreciated.

    #427765
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    Thank you so much for your kind words, means a lot to me! I want to attentively read and reply to you Tues morning (it is now 1:27 pm here, 4:27 pm your time).

    anita

    #427800
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    Very true, the stability from my job and consistency of where I have been living have helped get me back in a better place. I had not recently thought about the correlation between the moving around I was doing and my childhood. Growing up we moved around quite a bit. Finances were not stable.  I can still get really anxious when something unexpected happens. I fear the worse. I’ll be homeless and unable to provide for myself“- this is an excellent testimony to how important STABILITY and CONSISTENCY are for a person’s mental (and physical) health. Experiencing instability and inconsistency as a child translates to excess anxiety in childhood and in adulthood.

    C o N g R a T u L a T i O n S   for creating stability and consistency in your life!

    With the work I have been doing I know this to be untrue. I have, even at my most fearful, always provided for myself. In the future I would like to better my relationship with money. I would like to thrive. Nonetheless,  I am grateful for what I do have“- I remember that I was concerned, in the past, about you giving your money away to family members, such as to your younger brother. I wanted you to take better care of yourself!

    Yes, past relationships and even the most recent one created turmoil. This last man was really just a distraction from dealing with where my life was. But I was also craving male attention as I still do… I still believe in my heart that I was born to be a Mom and wife. My lifelong dream! I am 35 now, will it ever be? I have juggled with maybe it won’t. and I will have to live with that. I really just struggle to make friends or relationships. It is the trust issue. I hide myself a lot“- like I wrote above, instability and inconsistency in childhood translate to excess anxiety in adulthood, and with that excess anxiety, we are afraid to trust, we struggle to maintain relationships… and we hide.

    I hope that within the next few years, you will manage to be a good wife to a good husband and a good Mom!

    I also attract similar patterns in people, but now, more than ever I feel so much more self aware about this“- awareness makes changes possible in what and who you attract and .. what and whom you are attracted to.

    Last week I started back into my new role after my voluntary demotion. It has been peaceful. I learned so much in leadership. I learned that I lead well. I lead with my heart and soul. My team loved me and I loved them… Most times I gave way too much of myself. I look forward to spending the rest of this year treating work as just work and creating a life outside of it“- imagine giving more to yourself, and then, to the right man.. and then, to your child, creating stability and consistency in your family of choice!

    Bringing me to my family.. You’re always spot on Anita! I can easily go into a nostalgic place with family. I do believe we had some wonderful times. My Father came in June, and it was great! We spent five days together. I knew better than to get attached. He struggles with alcohol and drug addiction. I know too well. He loves me when he can but he will most likely always return to his ways. I am coming to peace with this“- you knew better than to get attached to him because he loves you when he can, you wrote, meaning that his love is not stable and not consistent: it’s there at times, gone at other times.

    As for my brother, it is just simple texts. I just want peace with them. I know they cannot provide the family environment I craved for so long“- you craved for stable consistent love in your family of origin, a craving unsatisfied.

    But with my niece, this relationship is important to me. I know that she will need me in her life. She is 15 now. She will soon be heading for life’s ups and downs, as well all do as we grow up, and I want to be a wise person in her life. I love her so much. I am so happy to be in touch with her. I would love to go see her this summer“- true love of an aunt for her niece, the love of a woman for the girl you once were..?

    Yes, I wish I would have been able to apply your wonderful advice on relationships in a better way back then. I do believe I can function this way now. Mindfulness can be hard for me some times but I am starting to slow down more. I really would like to create connections that are stimulating and balanced.  I know that it begins with me. If I give/offer to much of me too fast I will likely attract people that will take quicker than I give. I look forward to slowing down. Paying attention to people and just having fun if I can. I just need the motivation to do it. I think talking about it is a start!“- you express yourself so well, I am positively impressed with your state of mind, awareness, insight and maturity!

    And again, thank you for your kind words.. You are an amazing person, Nichole, thank you for being you!!!

    anita

Viewing 7 posts - 166 through 172 (of 172 total)

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