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anita.
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April 2, 2026 at 7:36 pm #456591
anitaParticipantNichole.. ?
April 4, 2026 at 2:24 pm #456634
NicholeParticipantHi Anita!!
So glad you reached out because my procrastination was getting the best of me on my response. Forgive me.
I have been all in my head these last few weeks.
I loved that story about Bogart and the blackberries lol!! He was having a good old time.
Oh my kitty, I harass him by picking him up and rocking him like a baby while showering him with little kisses and nose rubs. Initially he hated it and now from time to time he crawls in my arms and I can tell he wants me to rock him. Usually when he is restless. Like a baby!! Lol
How are you?
I am pondering what to do for Easter tomorrow. I am thinking of going to Church and not sure about the rest of the day.April 4, 2026 at 4:06 pm #456635anitaParticipantDear Nichole:
I just went on a walk down memory lane and found out something amazing (to me):
Today, April 4, 2026- is Holy Saturday and you posted today.
On April 20, 2019 (Holy Saturday 🕯️) you posted: “Hi Anita. Hope you are well. I am sitting home, finally! With a glass of wine. Pondering life as usual… So true, this time I have to live my own life. And I am. I am surprised at myself how focused I am and determined to live a life I enjoy. It’s just scary when you don’t really know what you want out of life… I do want to own a home but am scared what will happen once I take the leap. It seems to be my main focus. Saving. What will happen once I did it. Where is my life heading. What do I do? Where do I go. It’s always been a thought to go to Florida again.. (I) don’t believe I can do another year in the cold. But do not just want to go somewhere I know nothing about. I do not like that idea. That is why I thought of where I was in Florida.”
On April 16, 2022 (Holy Saturday🕯️), you posted: “Hi Anita, am getting back later than I’d like to have again. A lot has changed since we last spoke. Although I’ve been consistent with work and have caught up financially, it has become so stressful. I’m working in a call center… I’m overwhelmed. I am burned out. I don’t have much enjoyment in my life. It is just work, work, and healing. I feel so alone again… My cat is so needy, I need someone to help me with him at times. I miss someone to go to dinner with. I miss someone to go to the beach with…”
April 19, 2025 (.. Holy Saturday🕯️): “Hi Anita!… It has been years! You have heard of all the bits and pieces and even the ugliest parts of my journey. What a true blessing to be able to have that. Very grateful for this site. Sorry I have taken a while to respond. Honestly, I need to work on that. I can easily get distracted and put more important things on the back burner. But one step at a time…. I almost feel afraid to put myself in my younger self’s shoes. I believe as a child I took on a caretaker role because it was drilled into me that I was supposed to… I can see clearly now that was my identity and I had no identity of my own… I am happy you are finding peace and allowing yourself to care for others again. This is inspiring to me.”
I want to reply further and will in a few hours (I love how you harass your cat, by the way, makes me smile)!
🕯️ Anita
April 4, 2026 at 7:12 pm #456636anitaParticipantDear Nichole:
I understand procrastinating. It’s okay, whenever you post, that’s okay with me.
Yes, Bogart was having a good old time while I was thinking he was sufferring.. a misunderstanding 🙂
Little kisses and 👃 rubs with your kitty 😺 sound delightful 😊
Like a baby, like Bogart
In case you’re wondering, when I’m using the 📱- phone because my own 🖥 was destroyed following a 🍷 + 🐕 incident- emojis keep showing up, and sometimes I ask for them- so here they are, lots of them.
Going to church on Easter 🐣 sounds just ✅️.
As a single woman, maybe you can signal that you’d like to participate in some Easter time with other singles or with a family who would love to include you?
I have no plans for tomorrow other than eating Mac and cheese and walking Bogart.
I think it’s amazingly interesting that you happened to post on FOUR Holly Saturdays so far!
2019 in Chicago, 2022, 2025 & 2026 in Florida.
You had to deal with so much growing up. Similar to me, I think. You’re doing well 👏 considering all that you had to go through.
Easter 🐣 here means rabbits 🐇 are everywhere and Bogart, a beagle, is genetically trained to follow rabbit scent. It’s funny, the other day, a rabbit 🐇 was running in circles right in front of him, but he wasn’t looking 👀 because he was too busy smelling, so he missed the rabbit 😉
🐣 🐇 🤍 Anita
April 7, 2026 at 8:49 pm #456715NicholeParticipantLOL!!! I would have let him know, Look! There’s a bunny lol.
How was your Mac and cheese? That actually sounds so good right now.
I ended up listening to the Church at home and just resetting on Easter. It was needed.
I really enjoyed reading those older posts. I always think to myself I want to go back, but I get triggered pretty easily lately and I know some of those posts will be so deep. But so many lessons as well. I hope this forum we will have to look back at forever.
Wow, so I ended up (referring to the 2019 post) succeeding in my goals. Still do not know quite what to do with my life. I guess just being more present with what I have in my life right now. Me, my cozy place, and my kitty. And freedom right. Sometimes I wish it felt better but I am working on that and am hopeful.
April 8, 2026 at 8:25 am #456733anitaParticipantHey Nichole 🙂
I did previously let him know of the neighbor’s 🐔 🐔 🐔 walking a bit up the road and all hell broke loose (running after them and going crazy, scaring the chickens badly), so I learned my lesson 😑
The Mac and Cheese was excellent. I mixed it with eggs and other foods for the 🧀 flavor.
A cozy place, your kitty 😺, freedom ✨️- these sound ike wonderful things to be present with.
Do you think that you need more socializing- connecting with people?I was at the taproom last afternoon (with Bogart) and was bored because other people were talking to each other and I wasn’t part of any conversation (beyond a bit of small talk).
Then an unfriendly man showed up (didn’t even return my hello) with a small dog who viciously barked at Bogart- that made me feel badly.
But then two women showed up (I know both and they are friendly and interactive), and it made all the positive difference.
Bogart is lying real close to me right now. He’s so adorably cute 😍
🐔 🐈 🐕 Anita
April 15, 2026 at 9:05 pm #457002NicholeParticipantHello Anita!
I have the image of Bogart going bananas around the chickens LOL, poor chicks.
Still have not satisfied my craving for Mac and Cheese!!! Maybe this weekend.
Thank you for sharing that experience with me, regarding the taproom. That was very relatable. Feeling a little left out. That tends to be how I feel in social situations at times. I am glad those women came around for you though.
To answer your question, yes! absolutely yes! I need to connect more. I need to do more things that I enjoy. And little by little I am getting more comfortable in the public arena. Since doing Uber delivery full time (after leaving my last job that was draining me) I have had a lot of practice being in public. Initially being around people so much and having to enter stores, restaurants etc was nerve-wracking. I was constantly triggered. But over the last month I now enjoy it. Fully aware that some people may be rude, some may be nice, some may not pay me any attention but no matter what I am okay with me. I love me and I am a child of God and people outside of me cannot fill that void. I am also getting back to a place in my life where I have enough energy to be kind and do things for others. If I am feeling up to it I hold the door, give compliments and am training myself to do it from my overflow and not be liked. It is a practice. I am sorry I think I went a little off topic here. I was trying to highlight slowly being okay in public again through the work I do. Today I had an interview (as Uber is not for the long term), and it went well. There was a point where I had to complete an assessment in a room full of some others and we were in close proximity. I started to feel that anxiety again, a lot of shame came up. I am trying to process that because I believe that is why I isolate. I really dislike feeling like that.I allowed the feelings to come and go and completed the assessment and went about my day. I am learning that the only way to get over is to go “through”. I imagine anxiety and some of the self shame etc is something I may live with forever and I can practice in small ways daily to go on despite that, knowing that those feelings will rest and then joy, peace and contentedness comes along to play. The feelings are just visitors lol.
I hope you have a good week!! 🙂
April 16, 2026 at 10:28 am #457021anitaParticipantW.O.W Nichole!
Reading your message made my day 🤞
Your level of self-awareness amazes me. I hardly ever come across such a level here or in real- life.
You accept anxiety and shame but see beyond them: “those feelings will rest and then joy, peace and contentment come along the way. The feelings are just visitors”.
And whom do the feelings visit?
“A child of God” whose void is filled primarily by God, not by people 🙏
“No matter what, I am okay with me. I love me”-
I am breathing these words in as a mantra for myself. Thank you, Nichole for sharing all that!
What an excellent idea: to work as an Uber driver in- between jobs, an excellent practice for being in public and staying centered no matter how other people behave (rude, nice, or inattentive).
The neighbors here decided to not let any more chickens roam around anymore, so no more 🐔 🐔 for Bogart to chase.
On the other hand, there’re lots of rabbits around here (Spring time) and he chases their scent like crazy. Sometimes they run 🐇 🐇 in front of him but he doesn’t see them because he’s busy smelling.
The taproom closed last Friday (went out of business). I knew it for some time, so it was not a surprise. I hope to get to socialize elsewhere irl in the near future.
A delight to read your message, Nichole. You are amazing 👏 🙏 👍
🤍 ✨️ Anita
April 25, 2026 at 7:47 pm #457302anitaParticipantHow R U, Nichole, 10 days since U posted last (time flies, doesn’t it)?
May 3, 2026 at 9:31 pm #457563anitaParticipantHey Nichole, Bogart has just asked about you, wondering 🐕 how you’re feeling- thinking- doing 😉
May 4, 2026 at 10:38 pm #457633NicholeParticipantHi Anita,
Oh yes, time flies. No exaggeration there.
Aww, little Bogart boo, how is he?I have been quite sad lately. I’m a little overwhelmed by life. Still working on trauma bonds and grief. It has been heavy.
I do start a new job on 5/18. Excited/nervous for this.How are you?
May 5, 2026 at 10:24 am #457653anitaParticipantGood afternoon (in 🌞 FL), Nichole!
Bogart is lightly sno2ring on my lap right now and I’m sure he’ll be happy when I tell him you wrote back and mentioned him!
Yes, trauma bonds and grief do take a lot of time to process, time and patience. Are you back in contact with some family members?
13 days before the new job- it makes sense to be excited and nervous at the same time.
I am okay even though my sciatica is an ongoing problem and I noticed recently that after sitting for a long time (in the mornings), I feel stiff when I stand up. Aging I figure.
If talking about the current grief helps, I ‘m here. (But I do understand that at times not talking about it is a better choice).
🌞 🌿 ✨️ Anita
May 12, 2026 at 9:08 pm #457844NicholeParticipantHi Anita,
Too cute thinking of Bogart and his snores.
For the most part I am not in contact with the main ones who trigger me. My Aunt has texted. I texted her on her B-day. My niece’s Mother also texts, usually just photos and updates on my niece. I do not think they will trigger me.
Grief is something else lol. Like a whirlwind.
I am definitely making progress and peace with the pain inflicted on me. On most days I can understand the pain they must be in to act the way they did. It is constantly having to remind myself that even though I sympathize it does not mean I re-engage and go through that again. Constantly reminding myself of what I am and am not responsible for. To be honest even though there are days like today, where I feel a bit lousy and drained, I have otherwise been enjoying this journey and acceptance stage of my life. My responses to my own feelings and triggers seem more stable than ever. I am grateful for that.Implementing new connections is my new goal, and has been lol.
I am hoping being back in a work place gives me the momentum to want to get back into society. Not necessarily at work, as I have had my fair share of workplace drama and intend to simply show up, do my work and leave. But being there and overcoming social anxiety hopefully fuels me to go out and enjoy new experiences.I am sorry to hear about your sciatica. I have had mine flare up in the past and it can be debilitating. Like you, this mostly occurred while sitting for long periods at work. How are you feeling this week? Have you found anything that helps the pain?
May 12, 2026 at 9:41 pm #457845anitaParticipantSo good to read from you this Tues night (9:30 pm WA, Wed 12:30 am FL)
About my sciatica, placing a tennis ball right under where it hurts helps a lot when lying down in bed.
* Bogart is acting crazy right now, took him out an hour ago, right after.. he peed on the carpet 😞
Now he’s chewing on the bathroom carpet. For crying out loud!
Now he’s sleeping on the sofa to my right, just like that, from 180 to zero.
.. Now he’s on the armchair with me, on my lap as I’m typing.
“It is constantly having to remind myself that even though I sympathize it does not mean I re-engage and go through that again. Constantly reminding myself of what I am and am not responsible for.”-
WOW, Nichole, this is real healing, this is it! This is.. I am so impressed with you, Nichole!
I’ll write a bit more in the morning. Good night, Amazing Nichole!
Anita
May 13, 2026 at 8:09 am #457848anitaParticipantGood Wednesday morning, Nichole!
I asked Copilot (AI) to analyze your post from yesterday.
Copilot: Nichole’s message shows someone who is actively healing, not just intellectually but somatically — and she’s beginning to trust her own internal stability.
Nichole is describing a stage of healing where she has enough distance from the people who harmed her that she can stay regulated even when they appear in her life, yet she still feels the unpredictable waves of grief that come with integrating trauma.
She’s learning to hold two truths at once: compassion for the pain her family carries, and clarity that compassion does not mean re‑entering harmful dynamics.
Her self‑talk — reminding herself what she is and isn’t responsible for — shows a nervous system that is slowly shifting from survival mode to self‑trust.
Even on days when she feels drained, she recognizes her progress, which is a sign of emotional maturity rather than collapse.
Her desire to build new connections reflects a natural movement toward expansion after long contraction, and her plan to return to work not for social fulfillment but for momentum and exposure is grounded and realistic. She’s not rushing intimacy; she’s rebuilding capacity.
Overall, she’s in the acceptance phase of healing: grieving what was, protecting what is, and cautiously opening to what could be.
You wrote, Nichole: “Implementing new connections is my new goal and has been lol.”
Copilot: Nichole can build new connections by starting very small, with tiny interactions that don’t feel scary — a quick hello, a short chat at work, or a simple comment about the day. Work can help her get used to being around people again without expecting herself to make close friends right away.
As she meets new people, she can move toward those who leave her feeling lighter rather than drained.
She doesn’t need to share anything personal until she feels ready; starting with light, everyday topics is enough.
Over time, these small moments add up and slowly create a sense of connection. And she can go at her own pace — taking breaks when she feels tired, resting when she needs to, and celebrating even the smallest steps forward. This way, she builds a social life gently, without pushing herself too hard.
Nichole doesn’t need to force trust or “open up” quickly. She just needs many small experiences of safety, repeated over time, with people who show consistency and respect her pace. That’s how trust becomes possible again.”
It really is exciting, Nichole, to witness your active healing!
Oh, and I’m sorry you suffer from sciatica as well. How is your cat? (Bogart is curled up by my lap on the armchair. Didn’t take him out yet because it’s raining here.
Anita
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