Hi Nichole 🤍

I’m so sorry about your Great Uncle. That’s a real loss, and with what he did to help you, I can imagine how many feelings that stirred up. And hearing from your brothers on top of that… no wonder the week felt like you were being pulled in every direction at once. Grief, family, work stress, and physical pain — that’s a lot for one nervous system to hold.

I’m glad you finally got a day to rest. Sleeping until 5pm sounds like exactly what your body needed after the fall, the sprain, and the sciatica flare. Sometimes the deepest healing is just letting the body rest for a while.

Bogart is curled up with me on the reclining armchair as I’m typing these words. I think he feels loved, I think he feels safe (if only we felt that growing up… safe?)

I smiled hearing about your spoiled little cat boy. They really do keep us company in the sweetest ways.

I’m here, and I’m glad you wrote. Take things gently with yourself right now

🌿✨🤍Anita

3 hours ahead of you, 8:05 here

Dear Nichole:

I read through our communication since Aug 2018, almost 8 years ago! I read through my once-in-a-while studies, quoting what you shared over the months and years, and analyzing the quotes. I am not doing it this time. (I will end this post with quoting you but will not analyze or interpret your words. You are perfectly capable of doing that yourself if you so choose 🙂)

What I noticed today, rereading your words over the years, is how honest and genuine you’ve been all along: not pretending to feel what you didn’t, not pretending to be who you weren’t. Not performative. And I admire this about you!

Also, you were continuously kind and gracious to me, never aggressive or passive-aggressive, not even once, and I greatly appreciate this about you, thank you, Nichole 🙏

On July 21, 2020, exactly 6 years ago, you wrote to another member: “I want nothing more to heal and bring nothing but love and light to others.”, and to me, you wrote on the same day: “I have no choice but to make it in this world as an abused adult. I have my good days that I make through more than just surviving and I’m so grateful for those days, and days like today where I struggle hard and feel victimized all over. I truly struggle with a victim mentality, and it does not benefit me, but my anxiety really takes over and I feel trapped. And stuck in life.”

What do you think about the above quotes, 6 years later?

🌿 Anita

WOW, Nichole, as I read your post, using my phone, I was suddenly afraid it’ll disappear before I can copy it for my private record using my computer, so to never lose it. Which I intend to do!

I have so much to say about your message and I will, tonight and probably tomorrow morning as well.

It’s no longer warm here and it’s supposed to rain tonight. Bogart’s energy level today was up because it’s so much cooler.

More later.

Thank you, Nichole 🙏

Anita

Good late Sunday morning, Nichole 🙂

I share the frustration of losing long, thoughtful messages- that’s why I copy each post before submitting it (except when using my phone, like now, because I don’t know how to copy).

I remember very well you disliking Chicago’s winters and longing to go back to Florida. I grew up in a climate similar to Florida- and without air conditioning, so I longed for a cooler climate, preferring winters over the too hot and humid summers I knew (except for getting stuck in snow for days, slipping on ice, water getting frozen in pipes, etc., all that happened to me in recent years).

Oh, my feeling of depression a few days ago didn’t last long but it reminded me how I used to feel on a regular, ongoing basis.

Really- you enjoyed my studies and recaps? I learned that for years replying to members here in the forums, I’ve been too analytical, as if I was a “therapist” conducting academic studies about people instead of communicationg with people, like human to human.

When I read last evening this part of your post: “You mean a lot to me. I have always felt I could be myself here. I also knew you would hear me and be kind also. You are a sacred space for me. Thank you!!!”-

I was overwhelmed, really. I couldn’t comfortably take it in and I needed time to absorb it. Your words are the opposite of what I grew up hearing and it feels so foreign to me still: that I could mean a lot.. that I could make a positive difference for someone.. that I could be a sacred space?

The opposite of what my mother told me: “You are one big zero”, and otherwise (paraphrazed):’You mean nothing but trouble to me, a burden, a curse!’.

So, thank you, Nichole, for the opposite voice. I just took a longer breath trying to absorb it 🙏

About the first quote, yes, I agree that “for everything, everywhere and everyone to be light and love” is naive, a wishful thinking kind of thing. It’s like sprinking real life pains and challenges with stars and rainbows- nice, but it doesn’t cover real life pains challenges for long.

Your insight about running away from pain for so long, and that it’s still your first instinct- is impressing to me. You really are way ahead on your journey of healing 👍

Similar to you, I used to expect a pain-free life once “healed”, and part of my journey was the growing understanding that allowing myself to feel the pain rather than running away from it is a necessary part of what healing is about.

I too 🙂 am proud of you for finding gratitude even when you were feeling trapped and in anxiety, and for having remained strong through it all 🙏

“I am not alone, and I’m not defined by those parts of my life. They are just pieces of me, and I also have more healed pieces and future pieces to come”- ditto! Said perfectly, Nichole!

And now, I am ready to submit this without copying, hoping it will go through 🙏

Anita