fbpx
Menu

Confused about relationship – Need help

HomeForumsRelationshipsConfused about relationship – Need help

New Reply
Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 45 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #428916
    antarkala
    Participant

    Hi all,

    This is going to be my first and long post on Tiny Buddha and I need your advice on something that has been taking too much space on my mind for quite some time now. I am a 25-year-old in a serious relationship for around 1 and a half years. My boyfriend is a year older than me and we have been friends for 3 years before we got into the relationship. Both of us moved abroad for our Master’s and decided to take our friendship to the next level since we had similar life goals, values, and interests. Our relationship has been long-distance since the start, I meet him almost once a month for around 4-7 days.

    Coming to the issue, though we have been in a relationship for more than a year, I always felt something was missing since the beginning. We love each other very much and are independent, kind, and career-driven. However, I feel the spark is missing from our relationship. I decided to give it time and came to some realizations – I understood that I value having a good social life and my boyfriend not being very social made me question if I can lead a happy life with him. Sometimes, especially in social situations, I feel very drained because I feel I put in most of the energy to keep conversations going while I myself am a person with limited social energy. Even when I am with him, sometimes I find it so hard to keep the conversation flowing and have to work hard which makes me feel drained. Even though it has been more than a year since we started dating, I still feel like we are not very emotionally intimate and that I don’t know a lot about him. He is a monotonous person and though I am also a calm person, I am more energetic, and sometimes I feel drained around or after talking to him over the phone which bothers me. I am a very people person, I like having people around me that I can count on, talk to, laugh with, and feel supported on a daily basis while he is mostly silent and can be happy and comfortable alone. I want to mention that I do enjoy being alone and spending time with myself too but at the same time, I love making connections and value having a healthy social support system. While I know that he is not stopping me from being myself and he in fact supports me, I feel I need his contribution too and I am scared if I will be able to build a socially active life if I marry him which is my core need.

    If you are wondering if I had a conversation about this with him – yes! I told him I would appreciate it if he could be friendly to my friends and that I also want to get to know his friends and hang out with them. We used to have frequent fights around this topic. He also told me he had good friends back in India (our home country) whom he could be himself with but here with his coursework and job, he is very stressed and overworked and he does not have the energy nor the time to make friends. He told me that though he hangs out casually and parties with his classmates here from time to time, they are not really his intimate circle so even I don’t have to try to be their friends. But slowly and with his own journey in life and a few of his experiences, he has changed and now he is better at social situations. He puts in that effort and tries to talk to all of my friends which I used to ask of him previously. That made me very happy but I don’t know if that is enough and I am scared if it is temporary and he might go back to his old personality because this is not his natural quality.

    Other than this, I also feel he is not spiritual. I would love to have conversations about his spiritual beliefs with my partner and it is something that would make me feel intimate and close to him. This is again something core to me and I also feel I would do more if I and my partner wanted similar things in life.

    I feel very anxious whenever I think of this situation, any advice on how to approach this?

    #428933
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Antarkala:

    Welcome to the forums!

    I understood that I value having a good social life and my boyfriend not being very social made me question if I can lead a happy life with him. Sometimes, especially in social situations, I feel very drained because I feel I put in most of the energy to keep conversations going while I myself am a person with limited social energy… I am a very people person, I like having people around me that I can count on, talk to, laugh with, and feel supported on a daily basis while he is mostly silent and can be happy and comfortable alone“-

    – I am trying to understand: you are a very people person, but with a limited social energy and social interactions drain you? I am asking because as far as I know, people who are extroverted, people who are very social, are people who are energized by social interactions, not drained by them. Can you explain this for me?

    anita

    #428934
    Tommy
    Participant

    Men do not express our feelings or let them out. If that happened then people in our lives would look down upon us. People would think we are weak to show feelings. That is the nature of men’s relationships. If you are not happy with him … Or rather if you are not happy with yourself then he will not make you happy. You must be happy with yourself and then his companionship will compliment your life. If you are not happy with yourself then his presence will only gnaw at your ideas of how your world should be. You will have left him before you actually physically leave him.

    Most men will do what they can to please the women in their lives. And most men will shut up and take whatever their woman tells them. The man will then change and turn into something that is not the same as before. He will change into something that can survive the demands of his woman. May be short tempered, angry,…. but will take the criticism and the yelling from his woman. In the end, he will still not become that man that the woman wants.

    What is the point? You want a perfect partner to you. An ideal man. It doesn’t exist. If you can not find your own happiness then you will not be happy. If you want to feel intimate and close to him then be intimate and close. It is probably certain that he would like to share this too. Being close and intimate with the woman he loves. If you do not show him then how would he know? How would he learn?

    Spark? OMG, you want sparks or chemistry or that magic that means the man you have is the right one?? If only the world was as we imagined it to be. How happy we would be?? Reality is truth. No white knight on a magic steed. Looking for spark, you will never be happy. Happiness does not come from outside of oneself. If it does then you will be happy for a short while and then something else will be needed to make you happy again. And so the cycle goes on.

    #429027
    antarkala
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you for asking.

    To answer your question, I am a bit of both… I need social interactions and alone time too. Too much of anything drains me… if that makes any sense.

    #429035
    anita
    Participant

    Dear antarkala:

    You are welcome. I wonder if I understand correctly (please let me know if I do): generally, you enjoy a social life but you are also anxious in social situations, and therefore it drains you. You wish that your boyfriend would have made it easier for you in social situations: that he would take charge where you struggle and smoothen the way for you. It upsets you somewhat (you are disappointed) that he can’t. You think less of him because of that, thinking that he is not as.. qualified/ as strong as he should be to be your husband (something like that..?)

    If this is what is going on, at least in part, then Tommy has a good point in his reply: traditionally, girls are raised to have very high and unrealistic, super human expectations from men, and they end up disappointed. Think of it this way, if you will: in every woman there is a little girl who is sometimes scared and needs help, but it is also true that in every man there is a little boy who is sometimes scared and needs help. Better see the boy in a man than see a prince on a pedestal.

    There are many women who are attracted to what is referred to as bad boys, tough, insensitive and rude men who sacrifice their hearts for the appearance of strength. This doesn’t work out for the women, but it shows you how attractive (the appearance) of strength is to many women.

    In reality, both women and men are weak and strong, both, and a good partnership is that of the two (man and woman) helping each other, encouraging and sharing each other’s strengths for the benefit of the team.

    When a woman expresses to the man her unrealistic expectations of him, and her disappointment, it weakens the man.

    Dating is the time to learn about the compatibility of the couple, but don’t let unrealistic expectations based in rigid gender roles get in your way of evaluating your compatibility with your boyfriend.

    Is this helpful to you? Please let me know, I would like to explore this further and be helpful to you.

    anita

    #430169
    antarkala
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    You are very right, I do feel anxious sometimes in social situations and expect my boyfriend to help me out. I have observed that even in life, I mostly make friends who are extroverts because they help me get started in social situations and after a while, I am confident by myself. It takes me a while to open up in new surroundings while if I am with extroverts, they show me a path. I also want to mention honestly that, these days I feel jealous of my extrovert friends and I hate that I do. I love them and I want to see them happy. The fact that I’m feeling jealous is killing me – why do you think I am feeling this way?

    And you are right about what I think about my boyfriend when he does not help me out in social situations – I am dissappointed.

    Initially, I did get thoughts like “maybe he is not strong enough”, “maybe is not qualified enough”, “I don’t think he is manly enough” but over time, as I got to spend more time with him and understand him, I did understand that he has a wonderful personality – just a different type of wonderful than what I have in my head. Your line… “Better see the boy in a man than see a prince on a pedestal” is such a fresh perspective to me – thank you! And like tommy said, I always thought it’s the guy who has to help the woman more and yes, I have been raised to have high expectations from a man and maybe that’s one of the reason I think this way. I did tell my mother about my boyfriend and she told me he is not good enough for you and I know it unconsciously influenced me. I have become aware of this recently and this makes my decision making even harder – what do I trust now, who do I trust now? I lived till 24 with my parents and I am very attached to them, I trusted they always will do the best for me and now that I have these realizations – I don’t know what truth to believe in and how to take a decision. It is making me very indecisive and anxious.

    How do you think I should approach this situation. My boyfriend is a wonderful man, I don’t want to weaken him by showing my disappointment but at the same time, the reality that I expect my partner to help me out in social situation doesn’t change – how can I talk about this with him in a healthy way?

    Your contributions are really helpful, thank you for your time and I look forward to your response!

     

    #430182
    anita
    Participant

    Dear antarkala:

    You are very welcome and thank you for your appreciation!

    I also want to mention honestly that, these days I feel jealous of my extrovert friends and I hate that I do. I love them and I want to see them happy. The fact that I’m feeling jealous is killing me – why do you think I am feeling this way?“- I figure, because you wish that you had it as easy as they seem to have it, wishing that socializing was as easy for you as it is (or appears to be) for them. Anxiety in general, and social anxiety in particular, rains on one’s parade, so to speak.

    I did tell my mother about my boyfriend and she told me he is not good enough for you and I know it unconsciously influenced me…. I lived till 24 with my parents and I am very attached to them, I trusted they always will do the best for me… I don’t know what truth to believe in and how to take a decision. It is making me very indecisive and anxious“-

    – she shouldn’t have said it. I suppose she has very high expectations of you and for you, wanting the very best for you. Problem is that the very best for you is to have confidence in your ability to make good choices for yourself. By telling you that he’s not good-enough for you, she’s giving you the message that you are not making a good choice.. and that leads you to feel very indecisive and anxious.

    Parents are often not aware of how they come across, and how they negatively affect their children while wanting the best for them.

    I have become aware of this recently and this makes my decision making even harder – what do I trust now, who do I trust now?“- just like I suggested that you take your boyfriend off the pedestal, I am suggesting that you do the same in regard to your parents. It doesn’t mean that you stop loving them, of course. It’s just that you need to do this so to trust yourself to make good choices, to evaluate people correctly, to socialize well, etc., to believe that you are a competent, able adult, no longer a child dependent on her parents for guidance.

    Part of taking them off the pedestal is to see that they have made the wrong choices themselves, that they make mistakes too. No one always makes good decisions, no one is perfect, everyone makes mistakes. Don’t expect perfection from anyone, not from your parents, not from your boyfriend, and not from yourself.

    I hope that your parents do not generally present themselves as perfect, and never admit that they were wrong, or that they make mistakes (that can make taking them off the pedestal more difficult than otherwise).

    How do you think I should approach this situation. My boyfriend is a wonderful man, I don’t want to weaken him by showing my disappointment but at the same time, the reality that I expect my partner to help me out in social situation doesn’t change – how can I talk about this with him in a healthy way?“-

    – first, do not express to him that you are disappointed in his social functioning, that will achieve the opposite of what you want to achieve: he will be less capable, not more. Secondly, identify a very specific, practical way in which you want him to help you, something that’s doable for him, instead of asking for help in a vague way. An example (and this is just an example), instead of saying: I would like you to help me feel more comfortable in the party tonight, say: when I am standing in a group with people at the party, can you stand by my side and hold my hand?

    I hope to continue to communicate with you, for as long as you find it helpful.

    anita

     

    #430192
    antarkala
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you for responding. Yes, I feel jealous when I see them in social situations or when I see them able to make a conversation very easily. When I feel jealous, I tell myself I don’t deserve to be a friend. How do I approach this? I want to understand where my social anxiety is coming from and how to overcome it.

    I understand how what my mom told me influenced me. She told me her instinct says he isn’t right and that she doubted something was going on between us even before we moved to the USA  and that we planned to come to the USA because there was something going on – while in reality, there was nothing! She did see and meet my boyfriend a couple of times in India – we used to be good friends and he used to come home to pick me up or drop me off sometimes. She said she suspected my boyfriend was trying to get me since in India and while the truth is – he did ask me on a date but I was not in the phase then and I said no. He never brought that up again.  She told me, I just moved to a new country and I am taking this decision in a mentally weak state, out of loneliness in the new country and I always wonder if I did. No, my parents do not present themselves as perfect. And yes, I have been trying to take them off the pedestal but it is a really tough thing to do. When I am deciding on marriage, it is impossible for me not to get their validation. And in fact, I believe a marriage is not just about wife and husband but also about both families. I also keep thinking, if I marry my boyfriend, how compatible are our families? My parents are getting older as well and they need company, we don’t have close ties with relatives and I want the family I marry into to bond well with mine. – Is it too much to ask?

    And coming to talking to him about helping me out in social situations, I will think and find a practical way that I can ask him. Thank you for showing me a direction and I will keep you updated.

     

     

     

     

    #430195
    anita
    Participant

    Dear antarkala:

    You are welcome. “When I feel jealous, I tell myself I don’t deserve to be a friend. How do I approach this?“- (1) tell yourself the truth: that what we people feel is not our choice; it is only our vocalized words and actions taken that are subject to our choosing.

    No choice (such as in feeling jealous)= no personal responsibility (no valid guilt).

    (2) apply an empathetic attitude toward yourself. Imagine a little child who was jealous of other children, would you frown at the child and berate him/ her for feeling jealous, or would you gently ask the child what is bothering her, what’s behind the jealousy?  If you uncover what’s underneath your jealousy, you’ll find some old hurt: it’d be easier for you to feel empathy for yourself for hurting (underneath the jealousy) than for the jealousy itself.

    I want to understand where my social anxiety is coming from and how to overcome it“- the first society in a person’s life is the family one is born into. If a child was anxious in the context of that first, mini society, the child is likely to grow up to be anxious in the bigger society. For example, a child may have gentle, fair and loving parents, but if the parents are often anxious, worried about things, and the child notices it..  their anxiety naturally passes on to the child.

    I understand how what my mom told me influenced me… She told me, I just moved to a new country and I am taking this – decision in a mentally weak state, out of loneliness in the new country“- your mother had a good point there, a valid concern. From what you shared about your boyfriend though, he reads like a gentle.. non-dangerous guy at all, so you were not in danger with him.

    No, my parents do not present themselves as perfect“- good job on their part!

    I believe a marriage is not just about wife and husband but also about both families. I also keep thinking, if I marry my boyfriend, how compatible are our families? My parents are getting older as well and they need company, we don’t have close ties with relatives and I want the family I marry into to bond well with mine. – Is it too much to ask?“- no, it’s not too much to ask, and it’s in your rights to ask for this. Therefore, before you consider marrying a man, get to know his feelings about both families being part of the marriage, and if the two of you have a meeting of the minds, get the families together so that everyone can get to know each other.

    Till next time we talk, take good care of yourself!

    anita

     

     

    #430196
    antarkala
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I am adding something to my previous reply.

    As I told you, I will be working on finding a way to ask for help from my boyfriend but I cannot stop thinking that this change will not be sustainable and I am not sure if I will be the happiest with a person for whom it is unnatural to be outgoing, who is not naturally a people person. Is this a sign of incompatibility? I don’t know if this is my gut feeling or fear but I feel this is a core need and I want it to be present in abundance.

    In addition to this, I also want to tell you that I have always been a misfit. Cannot point out one reason but I have had my share of experiences in life – I experienced sexual assault as a kid through years which I think wired me differently, my younger brother was a pampered kid majorly because he is a boy and I am a girl, I don’t think I got enough validation from my dad, I did my engineering but didn’t feel it was for me, and I changed my career to Marketing which my dad did not like initially and he used to constantly tell me I am wasting my time. My mom says I am too sensitive and hints that maybe I am overreacting – sometimes I wonder if I am just too weak and use my trauma as an excuse.

    But whatever the reasons might be, I turned to spirituality at a younger age – I am a very deep person and spirituality showed me a path in life. I am not very confident in being myself out of fear of judgment and often look for validation and support. Since I got into a relationship with my boyfriend, I feel my spiritual life also took a backseat. Maybe I am blaming him because it is the easiest thing to do but I feel spiritual conversations never sparked between us and this bothers me. I did try to steer such conversations but I understood he was just not on the same page and the conversations mostly don’t flow naturally and stop short. I feel this is affecting our intimacy and this is also another core need for me. It is majorly these two things – being social and spiritual I feel are core needs to me and if the relationship does not have them naturally and in abundance, can it be created? Can it be worked on?

    #430197
    anita
    Participant

    Dear antarkala:

    I read your recent post but being that it’s late (Tues) afternoon here and I am not as focused as I need to be, I would like to re-read and reply Wed morning. Please feel free to add anything you’d like to add so to lead me to better understanding. I will say tis one thing now: I am sure that you are not (!) using your trauma as an excuse!

    anita

    #430198
    antarkala
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Sure, please take your time.

    Your suggestion for dealing with jealousy is very helpful – I will implement it.

    “Your mother had a good point there, a valid concern. From what you shared about your boyfriend though, he reads like a gentle.. non-dangerous guy at all, so you were not in danger with him.” – Yes, you are right. It took me a while to trust him after all that my mother said but he is a wonderful person all in all. I get that question and if I be honest with myself, maybe I did start this relationship when I was in a vulnerable state. I knew he was a great person, we had similar career aspirations and goals in life and I wanted to give it a shot.

    “For example, a child may have gentle, fair and loving parents, but if the parents are often anxious, worried about things, and the child notices it..  their anxiety naturally passes on to the child.” – When I think about it, my mom was anxious and worried quite often. My father was not a great husband initially but they worked on them and are in a much better place now. I remember my mom telling me many times that she lived in fear, and never had the courage to speak up and voice her concerns or opinions out. Though my dad is a great person and supported my mom in many other ways, if my mom spoke out in a social situation, my dad always used to criticize her after coming back home that she shouldn’t have said that and should have said something else, dealing with the situation differently, etc. It took me a few years to understand it is a vicious cycle – whatever my mom says, my dad will criticize her and tell her she should have done something else but in fact, if my dad was in the same situation maybe he would have done the same. He hates her cooking. He is always dissatisfied with whatever she cooks. Yes, their tastes are and food preferences are a little different but even if my mom cooks specially for my dad following his instructions, he will never be satisfied. Every day while eating food, he would criticize my mom for making food the way she made it. I grew tired of it and told my dad to cook for himself and slowly he started doing that a little bit.

    I realized this because this happened to me a lot too. Whatever I did or spoke – my dad would tell me I did something wrong and would give me feedback. Initially, I thought I was a kid and I didn’t know how to deal with situations – my dad was being hard on me but this is how I would learn but after years and years I realized my dad would never ever be satisfied with whatever I say or do – Imagine my mom living with that for 26 years! It is bound to make her constantly doubt if she saying the right thing, or doing the right thing, and feel anxious. She was a very strong, intelligent, and hard-working woman but she always felt very underconfident. She is a teacher, she has always been very career driven and I have not seen anyone who used their time as productively as her daily.  She used to be a teacher in the same school I know that our management was also not very great – she worked at that place for a lot of years and I know now they were very toxic and she used to scared to even ask for a leave.

    “no, it’s not too much to ask, and it’s in your rights to ask for this. Therefore, before you consider marrying a man, get to know his feelings about both families being part of the marriage, and if the two of you have a meeting of the minds, get the families together so that everyone can get to know each other.” – I have a feeling this will not turn out well. My boyfriend’s dad, in his words, has not been a great father since his childhood. He did not work hard and did not proactively provide for the family – it was his mom was the major breadwinner and even he had to take the responsibility at a comparatively younger age – during his bachelor’s. My boyfriend was very angry at his father and used to hate his father years back but he later came to peace with it and now they talk normally. But his father is not very vocal nor very involved in my boyfriend’s life and I’m afraid my parents won’t be able to bond well with them. I don’t think they can accept that. When I gently had a conversation about this with my boyfriend – he told me though he might not have a great dad, his cousins, and their parents have been of great support to him and they are close, and that my parents will have them. But I am not convinced about this somehow. I am not sure how that will work out.

    #430199
    anita
    Participant

    Dear  antarkala:

    It occurred to me, this one point, so i thought I’d let you know what it is before replying at more length tomorrow:

    he will never be satisfied.. Whatever I did or spoke – my dad would tell me I did something wrong”- this means that he is not likely to approve of your choice of a husband, whomever the man, and if you wait for his approval.. well, it is not a good idea to expect his approval, to wait for it.

    anita

    #430200
    antarkala
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you. Yes, that can be a possibility and it did occur to me too but I never know, my dad never fails to surprise me.

    I still remember when I was in 10th standard, I was at my friend’s place and wanted to stay back for the night and do my first girls’ night-in with my best friend, my father did not approve even after a lot of crying. He came to pick me up and sat in our friend’s place for a while and he chit-chatted with her family and went back home. He told me after coming back home – next time, I could stay back and that he got a good feeling about my friend and her family. When I told my dad that I did not feel engineering was for me and was going through a tough time, he was the one who observed that I was starting to feel depressed, he was the one who took me on a trip and introduced me to travel. We used to travel together often, he encouraged me to see the world and be happy. He sent me to a yoga certification course outside my state for a month, he always encouraged me to go out often. It was only through traveling I found myself again and started to learn to be happy by myself. He is a regular yoga practitioner and his fitness journey is so inspiring – as I grew, I have seen my dad as well evolving spiritually and his journey was what even introduced me to spirituality. I think it was in 2005 that my family faced a terrible road accident and my father was bedridden for almost a year – doctors said he could not walk fully again but today he is the fittest and fastest walker of the family. Though he did not approve of my choice of choosing my passion in the beginning, he has come to terms now and he tries to encourage and support me positively. Even with my mom, over the years their relationship evolved in a positive way – my dad apologized to her and started treating her better. So I really don’t know and can’t say for sure!

    #430223
    anita
    Participant

    Dear antarkala:

    This morning, I will be re-reading all your posts and commenting as I go along, keeping in mind what you shared later, as I comment on what you shared earlier:

    I am a 25-year-old in a serious relationship for around 1 and a half years. My boyfriend is a year older than me and we have been friends for 3 years before we got into the relationship. Both of us moved abroad for our Master’s and decided to take our friendship to the next level since we had similar life goals, values, and interests“- reads like an intelligent, mature attitude and practice on your part: getting into a relationship with a man you’ve known for three years as friends, finding out his goals, values and interests, and seeing that there is a match in these.

    There is love and he is independent, kind, career-driven, supportive, puts in the effort, and he is a wonderful person: “We love each other very much and are independent, kind, career-driven… he is not stopping me from being myself and he in fact supports me..  He puts in that effort and tries to talk to all of my friends… he has a wonderful personality…  he is a wonderful person all in all“.

    Coming to the issue, though we have been in a relationship for more than a year, I always felt something was missing since the beginning“- to thoroughly understand what is missing in the relationship, you have to first understand what is missing within you.. something missing that you brought into the relationship. Understanding the latter, will give you an accurate understanding of the former.

    It will not be easy to explore that which is missing-within because strong emotions are involved. If you see the need for such exploration and are willing to do so, to some extent, here on your thread, please do and read what’s next in my post:

    I have always been a misfit. Cannot point out one reason but I have had my share of experiences in life – I experienced sexual assault as a kid through years which I think wired me differently, my younger brother was a pampered kid majorly because he is a boy and I am a girl, I don’t think I got enough validation from my dad… My mom says I am too sensitive and hints that maybe I am overreactingsometimes I wonder if I am just too weak and use my trauma as an excuse... my mom was anxious and worried quite often… I remember my mom telling me many times that she lived in fear, and never had the courage to speak up and voice her concerns or opinions out… if my mom spoke out in a social situation, my dad always used to criticize her after coming back home… whatever my mom says, my dad will criticize her… Imagine my mom living with that for 26 years!“-

    – I selectively boldfaced the above because I will be asking you questions, in this post, only about the boldfaced, as part of the exploration I mentioned above. Of course, you don’t have to answer any of my questions, and those you choose to answer, you are welcome to answer only to the extent you are comfortable with. (I will not be asking you questions that in my mind are too distressing to answer):

    1) How long did the sexual assault period last, and how long after the beginning of the assault, did your parents become aware of it? How did they respond?

    2) Did your mother (or your father) minimize the assault, saying that you were over-sensitive to it, that you emotionally over-reacted, that you used it as an excuse?

    3) You lived at home, with your mother, for 24 out of the 26 years of her marriage to a man who discouraged her from speaking up, from talking about her feelings, her opinions, etc. Did she turn to you as the person with whom she expressed herself, giving you the role of a friend and confidant?

    4) How were you a misfit at home, growing up?

    anita

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 45 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.