Dear Eva,

good to hear from you again!

I’d really appreciate honest outside perspectives because right now I don’t trust my own judgment anymore.

Not trusting one’s own judgement is a typical consequence of being in a relationship with a narcissistic person, i.e. being exposed to narcissistic abuse. Because one of their main tactics is gaslighting, telling you you’re imagining things, that you’re crazy, too sensitive, etc etc. Everything that he’s been telling you over the years.

From his perspective, I’m exhausting. I’m too emotional. I create conflict. I don’t appreciate what he does. He says a relationship should bring peace, and that I’m the reason it doesn’t.

From my perspective, I spent years fighting for what felt like basic emotional connection: communication, reassurance, affection, and feeling chosen.

Your perspective is what actually happened. He has been denying you the basics of a mutually respective relationship, starting from hiding you from others for 6 years to not caring about your needs, being very dismissive and thinking only of himself. And then blaming you for having those very legitimate emotional and human needs. Using the DARVO method on you.

I am still spiraling, and affecting me so much mentally to imagine him with someone else. I can’t let go because I imagine he would be perfect for someone else. It makes me sick. I also can’t function when we are not together. It feels like I am an addict. I can’t seem to understand the “future and his girlfriend” problem and how to solve it. It affects me A LOT.

It’s probably the trauma bond: we get bonded to the person who is abusing us, and we’re trying to change ourselves so that we would finally be “lovable”. Because they’re telling us we’re not lovable, that we’re not good enough. He was telling you that you were selfish, nagging, paranoid etc. And a part of you believed him… and wanted his validation.

A part of the problem with a narcissistic person is that at first, they seem like a perfect partner, because they’re love-bombing you and giving you lots of affection and validation. But once they catch you, they make a U-turn and start putting you down and dismissing you. That’s why the victim is so confused because they don’t understand what happened and what they’re doing wrong.

Something like that happened to you too, right? You said that in the beginning, “there was chemistry, understanding, and a genuine connection.” I guess he made you believe he sees you and understands you… but then he’s changed, right? And it’s very likely that what you saw in the beginning wasn’t his true self, but an act, I’m afraid. Maybe that’s why you’re thinking that he could be great with another girl:

I can’t let go because I imagine he would be perfect for someone else. It makes me sick. I also can’t function when we are not together.

Yeah, because he knows how to be perfect. Or rather, how to ACT perfectly. He knows how to be kind, if he wants to. That’s the worst about narcissistic people: how easily they can act and pretend. But that wasn’t his true self, Eva – it was all an act. So rest assured that he would repeat the same process with another woman: first he would love-bomb her and seduce her, making her believe she is the most wonderful person in the world. And then he would start the discard process. Same as he did with you.

Perhaps what you need at this moment is to understand that the initial phase of your relationship – which might have been perfect and you might still be hoping for it to come back – was just an act on his part and a cunning tactics to seduce you. But that it wasn’t his true self. That his true self is cruel and selfish and doesn’t care about you, which he’s shown you abundantly ever since.

I also can’t function when we are not together. It feels like I am an addict.

Actually, I read that trauma bond feels like a drug. This is what Gemini says about it:

A trauma bond is physiologically identical to a drug addiction. The cyclical highs of affection and the lows of abuse trigger the exact same dopamine and oxytocin reward pathways in the brain as substances like cocaine or heroin.

So if he was sometimes kind to you, even for just a brief period, it causes a surge in dopamine, and gives you a kind of “high” and a hope that he is finally changing or finally returning to his old self (which you knew in the beginning). But unfortunately, that too is a tactic: giving you just enough to keep you hooked. Giving you breadcrumbs. But we get hooked on those breadcrumbs and start craving for them, like we crave a drug.

If this is something you resonate with, there are plenty of resources that talk about trauma bonding and how to break free. You’re definitely capable of breaking free and slowly but surely returning to your true self. It will take work but you can do it, Eva!

If you want some pointers to those resources or anything else, please let me know. <3

Dear Eva,

I’d just like to confirm what you’re starting to see more and more clearly: that your anxiety about the relationship and your increasing frustration didn’t come out of nowhere, but is a result of 6 years of him keeping you hidden from the world:

What makes this so confusing is that I don’t feel like my anxiety appeared out of nowhere. It grew over years of feeling emotionally neglected.

One of the biggest things was that our relationship was a secret for all six years.

He explained that one of our mutual friends is also my ex-boyfriend, and he wanted to be the one to tell him himself. He kept saying he was waiting for the “right time.”

I understood you wanted to handle that conversation yourself at the start. If this had lasted a few months, I probably wouldn’t have thought much of it.

But six years passed, and the “right time” never came.

We weren’t married. We didn’t have children. My previous relationship had been over for years and there was nothing left there. Yet somehow our relationship still couldn’t exist openly.

After six years, it stopped feeling like “I’m waiting for the right moment” and started feeling like I was being hidden.

Whether that was his intention or not, that’s how it felt to me. It made me question my place in his life and slowly damaged my sense of security.

He was basically denying your existence to the world. Even if he had some irrational fear of his friend, it was his limitation, his fault, and it was his responsibility to solve it, by e.g. seeking therapy. He was the one with the problem, not you. But he made it about you: it’s you who are nagging, impatient, lacking understanding etc etc. He accused you and made you the crazy one, instead of dealing with his own fears and limitations. Putting the blame on you instead of admitting that he has a problem.

And that was just one of the many examples of him putting the blame on you for the things not working in your relationship.

Thankfully, you’re waking up from years of gaslighting and false accusations. You’re realizing that you might have been reactive sometimes, but that’s because his neglect was so profound, as well as his trying to blame it on you, that it’s only normal to feel extremely frustrated!

Now it’s over, because he cannot put up with my bullshit and nagging

To that I would just say: if keeping his girlfriend hidden from the world for 6 years isn’t bullshit, I don’t know what is!

I hope you can see how messed up he is, but also how stubborn in denying any responsibility on his part. How easily he puts the blame on you, when he should be taking a long look in the mirror…

With someone who is a narcissist, that long look in the mirror will never happen… but it’s great that you’re seeing things more clearly lately.

I haven’t answered the specific questions you’ve asked (still thinking about it), but I wonder if what I’ve written above makes a difference in how you see him? Because you might have been idealizing him (because he himself has been doing that – portraying himself as a great guy, while scapegoating you). My hope is that by seeing him more clearly, the magnetic pull you’re feeling towards him (and potential idealization) might lessen a bit… let me know what you’re thinking/feeling <3

Dear Eva,

I’ve found a great video that answers some of your questions, which is basically how to break the trauma bond. The title is “Understanding Intermittent Reinforcement in Narcissistic Relationships”. It’s on Darren Magee’s youtube channel.

This is what I’ve gleaned from the video:

A relationship with a narcissist is really addictive and might as well be treated like an addiction, because of a special tactic they use on the victim, which is called intermittent reinforcement.

This means they sometimes treat the victim with kindness and affection, and sometimes with utter disdain. Sometimes their behavior can be predicted, and sometimes it’s completely random and depends of their mood that day. This roller-coaster of never knowing how you will be treated creates a constant anxiety, as well as craving to get the positive reinforcement (moments of kindness and affection) and avoid the negative reinforcement (criticism, silent treatment, punishment).

The victim is conditioned to seek approval and avoid their abuser’s displeasure, at the cost of their own self-interest and well-being.

Due to a lot of mixed messages, the victim is confused and has trouble reconciling the person’s loving and abusive actions. This leads to confusion, i.e. cognitive dissonance. Many victims report that a compliment or a kind gesture is immediately followed by a sarcastic remark, e.g. “you look nice, for a change.” Or a degrading remark in front of others aimed at humiliating you is followed by a hug or a compliment.

Mixed messages deepen the internal conflict and can further trap the victim in the relationship, because they are confused and struggle to see the situation clearly.

How to break free from trauma bond (this is mostly transcribed from the video, with my comments inserted):

1. Recognize the patterns (e.g. the positive reinforcement might come whenever they want something from you, or when they see you becoming distant. So they give you breadcrumbs to keep you hooked. Whereas angry outbursts or silent treatment might come whenever you say no or want to do something for yourself. Positive reinforcement, e.g. them breaking the silent treatment, might come whenever you back down and compromise. So learn the patterns, learn the cycle.

2. Find a good therapist who understands narcissistic abuse (Eva, you said you’ve been to therapy. Have you talked about potential narcissistic abuse?).

3. Build a support system: reconnect with friends and family members who can offer emotional support and different perspective (perhaps your sister?), or build a new support network (e.g. consider joining an online support group with people who have similar experiences and are walking the same path. It’s great that you’ve reached out here as well!).

4. Participate in activities you enjoy. This will give you a natural boost of dopamine which will help replace the dopamine released in the trauma bond.

5. Practice self-compassion and self-care, know that you deserve to be treated with love, respect and kindness.

6. Set new private and professional goals that are independent of the narcissistic person’s influence. Make decisions that don’t depend on their approval.

7. If you can, end all contact. If you can’t (because of professional or family obligations, e.g. you have children with them), reduce and manage contact.

8. Accept that recovery can be a long-term commitment. The trauma bond didn’t develop overnight. Abuse was a long, insidious process, which many people don’t even realize it’s happening until they’re in the middle of it. So give yourself time and patience.

9. Acknowledge and celebrate your progress, no matter how small it may be.

I hope this is useful, Eva. I guess your ex was heavily using intermittent reinforcement and making it very confusing for you. From what I could understand, he was promising to make your relationship public, but it never happened. That was one such positive thing that you got hooked on and kept hoping for, which perhaps made you tolerate some things that you otherwise wouldn’t have?

As for mixed messages, you mentioned the occasion when he let you invite your friends to a concert, but then kept his distance from both you and your friends, walking separately, not speaking to them, etc. It’s like first he hooked you with the promise of a night out in the company of others, and then he sabotaged it. A mixed message. Or he invites you to his apartment, and then completely ignores you. A mixed message.

It was crazy making! No wonder it made you frustrated and confused.

Anyway, hope this was useful… rooting for you, Eva, and hope to hear from you again! <3