Dear Eva,

good to hear from you again!

I’d really appreciate honest outside perspectives because right now I don’t trust my own judgment anymore.

Not trusting one’s own judgement is a typical consequence of being in a relationship with a narcissistic person, i.e. being exposed to narcissistic abuse. Because one of their main tactics is gaslighting, telling you you’re imagining things, that you’re crazy, too sensitive, etc etc. Everything that he’s been telling you over the years.

From his perspective, I’m exhausting. I’m too emotional. I create conflict. I don’t appreciate what he does. He says a relationship should bring peace, and that I’m the reason it doesn’t.

From my perspective, I spent years fighting for what felt like basic emotional connection: communication, reassurance, affection, and feeling chosen.

Your perspective is what actually happened. He has been denying you the basics of a mutually respective relationship, starting from hiding you from others for 6 years to not caring about your needs, being very dismissive and thinking only of himself. And then blaming you for having those very legitimate emotional and human needs. Using the DARVO method on you.

I am still spiraling, and affecting me so much mentally to imagine him with someone else. I can’t let go because I imagine he would be perfect for someone else. It makes me sick. I also can’t function when we are not together. It feels like I am an addict. I can’t seem to understand the “future and his girlfriend” problem and how to solve it. It affects me A LOT.

It’s probably the trauma bond: we get bonded to the person who is abusing us, and we’re trying to change ourselves so that we would finally be “lovable”. Because they’re telling us we’re not lovable, that we’re not good enough. He was telling you that you were selfish, nagging, paranoid etc. And a part of you believed him… and wanted his validation.

A part of the problem with a narcissistic person is that at first, they seem like a perfect partner, because they’re love-bombing you and giving you lots of affection and validation. But once they catch you, they make a U-turn and start putting you down and dismissing you. That’s why the victim is so confused because they don’t understand what happened and what they’re doing wrong.

Something like that happened to you too, right? You said that in the beginning, “there was chemistry, understanding, and a genuine connection.” I guess he made you believe he sees you and understands you… but then he’s changed, right? And it’s very likely that what you saw in the beginning wasn’t his true self, but an act, I’m afraid. Maybe that’s why you’re thinking that he could be great with another girl:

I can’t let go because I imagine he would be perfect for someone else. It makes me sick. I also can’t function when we are not together.

Yeah, because he knows how to be perfect. Or rather, how to ACT perfectly. He knows how to be kind, if he wants to. That’s the worst about narcissistic people: how easily they can act and pretend. But that wasn’t his true self, Eva – it was all an act. So rest assured that he would repeat the same process with another woman: first he would love-bomb her and seduce her, making her believe she is the most wonderful person in the world. And then he would start the discard process. Same as he did with you.

Perhaps what you need at this moment is to understand that the initial phase of your relationship – which might have been perfect and you might still be hoping for it to come back – was just an act on his part and a cunning tactics to seduce you. But that it wasn’t his true self. That his true self is cruel and selfish and doesn’t care about you, which he’s shown you abundantly ever since.

I also can’t function when we are not together. It feels like I am an addict.

Actually, I read that trauma bond feels like a drug. This is what Gemini says about it:

A trauma bond is physiologically identical to a drug addiction. The cyclical highs of affection and the lows of abuse trigger the exact same dopamine and oxytocin reward pathways in the brain as substances like cocaine or heroin.

So if he was sometimes kind to you, even for just a brief period, it causes a surge in dopamine, and gives you a kind of “high” and a hope that he is finally changing or finally returning to his old self (which you knew in the beginning). But unfortunately, that too is a tactic: giving you just enough to keep you hooked. Giving you breadcrumbs. But we get hooked on those breadcrumbs and start craving for them, like we crave a drug.

If this is something you resonate with, there are plenty of resources that talk about trauma bonding and how to break free. You’re definitely capable of breaking free and slowly but surely returning to your true self. It will take work but you can do it, Eva!

If you want some pointers to those resources or anything else, please let me know. <3