For context, I have C-PTSD and suffered FSA (Family Scapegoat Abuse).

There has been drama and dysfunction in family long before I was born, so I was born into a not-so-great environment. When I was little, around ages 3-4, I tried to be the goofball of the family and tried really hard to make everyone laugh. But I got older and started to find my own identity. I didn’t feel the need to make people laugh anymore.

I was also the scapegoat of the family and I would get crap for feeling strong emotions and I still do. I know that my family would prefer if I was that same goofy little girl, but I’m not. My older sister loves to bring up how happy and goofy I was back then and to me, it’s so obvious that she prefers that version of me than who I am now, which sucks because I feel like most myself than I ever have. It feels like a rejection, like who I am now isn’t good enough and that the old me was better.

Even when I try to be myself, I still feel the need to perform, which makes sense considering I was performing for my family for years by being the “goofy one.” My family tries so hard to act like that goofy version of me is the “real” me but I don’t feel that way. For some reason, I felt the need to perform for my family at such a young age. I want to let go of this need to always be “on.” I want to feel safe enough to be myself.

I could be wrong, but I feel like my older sister became verbally abusive once I started to develop my own identity. I have a lot more to say about this but I’ll leave that for another post.

How do I get rid of this need to perform and just be my authentic self?