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Everyone is moving forward in life and I feel left out

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  • #370191
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi there,

    Hope you guys are all safe! I have been having a depressive episode since almost a month. It all started when my best friend came to visit me. We have known each other for 3-4 years and have been roommates for a some time too. He told me that he met a girl and is thinking of dating her. At first I felt happy for him but then suddenly I got all depressed. A lot of feelings and emotions kicked in. The first thing that I thought was that he will move on with him life and the amount of time we both used to spend together will not be possible anymore. He will obviously be giving more time to the girl than me and our friendship will not be the same. Then another feeling that kicked in was the feeling of being left out. He has been my emotional support for a long time and no I feel like I have no one. I feel like everyone is moving on with their lives and I am the one left single without a relationship.

    I tried discussing this with him and told him that things will change and all the occasions that we spent together like birthdays and all we won’t be able to do anymore. I know I am sounding all selfish here but I don’t know how to deal with these feelings. It’s a feeling of jealously and sadness of losing one of the only friends that I have.

    Need some suggestions on how to deal with this.

    Thanks

    #370211
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ronald:

    You shared that a former roommate and best friend visited you a month ago. He told you that he met a girl and is thinking about dating her. At first you felt happy for him, but then you suddenly “got all depressed”, thinking that he will no longer have the time to spend with you, that the “friendship will not be the same”, and that he will be moving on leaving you behind, left out; you have “no one”, “the one left single without a relationship”.

    “I know I am sounding all selfish here but I don’t know how to deal with these feelings.. jealously and sadness of losing one of the only friends that I have”-

    – my input today:

    1. It is understandable to feel sadness when your best friend changes status from being single to being in a relationship because there is a real loss when that happens, and when we lose something we care about, we feel sad.

    2. You are not selfish for feeling what you are feeling. You will be selfish only if you act in such a way as to break them up, in the future. What we feel does not make us selfish, good or bad. What we do indicates who or what we are.

    3. You are not likely to be losing your friend altogether. Like you wrote, the friendship will change. But he will still need you, I am guessing,  especially at times of conflict and trouble in his future relationship (It is not likely that his relationship will be a smooth sailing forever more, although I wish it would be).

    4. If you are interested in a relationship yourself, you will be less lonely and you and your friend will be able to double-date. Are you interested in that?

    anita

    #370243
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi anita,

    Thanks for your reply. Yes you are absolutely right when you say that what I feel does not make me good or bad but what I do definitely does. Regarding your question on being interested in a relationship, this is something which I am unsure about.

    Yes, I feel the peer pressure and in that I downloaded dating apps to find someone but then I think am I doing this to feel good that I lost a friend or doing it because I need it. Everyone needs a companion, a friend whom they can talk to, share memories with. But is this the right time for me to get into this or am I just doing this to feel good that I am not the only one left behind.

    I understand that friendships do change and I am a person who has always feared change. I think about how stuff will change from next year to this year however as much as I would like everything to be the same it won’t be, because this is life. I think with time I may accept this but right now I feel sad, depressed.

     

    #370251
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ronald:

    You are welcome. I will read your recent post and reply when I am back to the computer in about 14 hours from now. Feel free to post again anytime, before I return.

    anita

    #370299
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Thanks for your help Anita, I appreciate it.

    #370308
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ronald:

    You are welcome. You shared that you are unsure about whether you are interested in a relationship, or not, and that you are “a person who has always feared change”, a person who “would like everything to be the same”. You now feel sad and depressed because of the most recent change in your life: your best friend considering having a girlfriend, which would mean that he would have less time for you (“our friendship will not be the same”).

    My input/ question today: we all need sameness in our lives so to feel relative safety in that sameness. This is why it is so important for anxious people to have a daily routine, so to keep the sameness going. I am wondering if your need for sameness is very strong, so much so, that you keep yourself away from discovering more of life, from experiencing life at times as an adventure.

    I am wondering if as a child, you had too little positive attention, too little comfort, maybe you were alone too much of the time, feeling lonely. Any truth to my wondering?

    anita

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