Home→Forums→Relationships→My depressed girlfriend left me
- This topic has 52 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 6 days, 16 hours ago by Tee.
March 13, 2023 at 10:16 am #416257
I am sorry to hear this – it must be very painful for you 🙁
I totally understand why you feel betrayed and disappointed. Because she was telling you how great you were and that she wants you in her life:
she said I was her best boyfriend, her rock, her best friend
She said herself she was happy until she wasn’t with me. Lots of her words gave me high hopes for our future together
And then she goes and joins a dating app a few days after the breakup! I am sorry…
It does seem she wasn’t very honest with you, or even if she meant you were the best boyfriend, she still chose to find another one, instead of working on herself. Maybe you were indeed the most caring and patient boyfriend she had so far, but it could be that she didn’t like it when you encouraged her to seek therapy, or when you noticed some of her traumatic reactions.
You said that the night she left she actually got upset when you told her this:
I mentioned to her I noticed that she rolls over and goes quiet when she is in a sad state, I also told her I realise that sometimes she death stares me with a blank face when she is upset/angry. This stare almost seems like a switch to me. when I mentioned this i think it started the events later in the night.
It could be that she didn’t like being told those things (even if they were true). Maybe she did feel inadequate and felt that you were trying to put her down (even though you didn’t – you were just being honest with her). But because of her unresolved trauma, it hurt her and she didn’t want to hear it.
So this could be an alternative explanation to why she broke it off. We thought it was because she realized how hurt she was and that she isn’t capable of loving you properly. But maybe she saw it differently: maybe she thought that you weren’t capable of loving her “perfectly”, without triggering her, without mentioning her traumatic reactions. Maybe she was hurt by what she perceived as your “imperfect” love. And so her motivation for leaving would have been different than what we thought.
In any case, I hope you know that your love wasn’t “imperfect” or lacking, and that you didn’t do anything wrong by sometimes noticing her emotional states or reactions. But it could be that this was painful for her and she couldn’t really face herself… and so she opted to leave.
In that scenario (where she rather blames you for not being “sensitive enough”), it would make sense that she’d start looking for someone else, who will be “better” than you and give her what she needs. Of course, it’s an illusion, because no one will be able to give her what she really needs until she resolves her trauma. But she could be hoping for it and trying nevertheless… after all, she’s only 21, and you’re right, there could be some immaturity about her too, or simply wanting to take a shortcut, instead of diving deeper into her own issues.
It’s put a lot into perspective for me as this just seems like toxic, selfish behavior as well as being immature about relationships.
Well, yes, it’s selfish, but it’s the result of her woundedness. People who are wounded don’t care much about others, i.e. they inadvertently hurt others. She didn’t want to hurt you on purpose, but she did nevertheless, because as the saying goes, “hurt people hurt people”.
I feel harsh saying it but I genuinely think I deserved better after all the effort and support I’ve put in.
You do deserve better. You deserve to be in an emotionally healthy relationship, where you don’t need to walk on eggshells and apologize for your every word. The relationship with her wasn’t like that…
If I don’t hear back from her then I know she isn’t worth it. If I do it’ll have to be up to her to chase me because right now as you said I need to work on myself.
Well, if you knew that she joined the dating app, would you have sent that letter? I guess not… She might reply if she doesn’t find anyone better on the app… but I hope you won’t rush to accept her back and start the same cycle again. Because don’t forget that she can’t just heal miraculously and be a changed person without doing any work on herself. In any case, I’d be very careful even if she replied and wanted to get back together…
I’m investing too much into someone who either has a serious mental condition, lots of confusion, a problem with honesty and lying, or they are just young immature and toxic about relationships.
Probably all of the above is true. But as I said, she’s not doing it on purpose. Nevertheless, you don’t need to be a part of it. As you said, you deserve better. And the best is to really focus on yourself and work on yourself. May I ask – have you in the past been in a similar relationship, with someone problematic whom you wanted to “save”?March 13, 2023 at 11:48 am #416264
Yeh I’m disappointed is an understatement. I feel really burnt and drained from all this. I really believe that she was being genuine and wanted to better herself. To me it is disgusting if she used that as a cop out of a relationship. Whether she was aware she was doing it or not.
She did tell me sometimes that I didn’t treat her how she wanted to be treated in certain moments. Almost as you are saying; love me how I want to be loved. That’s what it felt like on occasions. Again this just felt like an insecurity and low self esteem, I would always reassure her I wasn’t mistreating her.
It could very well be the reason of it was too painful for her me noticing her triggers rather than her wanting to better herself. Which is very heartbreaking. I definitely didn’t give her imperfect love. I probably loved her too much as I thought she was worthy but it ended up just hurting me in the end. I feel like she could have premeditating it since we did split plenty of times.
I read somewhere that some trauma victims go from relationship to relationship just to get that temporary feeling of being loved and comfort but they eventually leave. They cut ties because they want to be the one doing it and they feel in control when I’m reality they aren’t. They find out they can’t be vulnerable and opt out before their partner does. My ex I met very quickly after she left her ex, maybe this solidifies it. It definitely will if she has someone new in the next couple weeks. It’s quite sad if that’s the case as she doesn’t truly want to get to the root of her problem, I genuinely believed she did.
I didn’t feel as of though I was walking on eggshells but my friend told me from his point of view it sounded very toxic. I definitely felt as if I was putting a lot of work in and I think she may have thought she was putting all the work in. I remember her briefly mentioned something like that once.
I don’t think I would have sent the letter I probably would have just messaged her as now it may seem like I desperately want her when I only wanted to help and maybe in the future she would notice my efforts.
im not sure what I’ll say if she does reply. If she doesn’t reply that will explain to me that she does have some serious issues.
To answer your question all my exes have had some form of anxiety or being prescribed to medication. However none of them I felt for how I did this girl. Every moment seemed so real and there was no second guessing my heart at all. It really felt like destiny or a higher force to me and that’s why I wanted to give it my all. Past exes I did put in effort after breakups to reconcile, mainly due to the nature of breakups being my own doing. I made all the changes in my life for this girl and she didn’t. I think it’s as simple as tha in the big picture. She wasn’t ready and wasn’t honest.
Im not sure what to say if she replies. I don’t even know if she has received it yet.March 13, 2023 at 11:57 pm #416278
I really believe that she was being genuine and wanted to better herself. To me it is disgusting if she used that as a cop out of a relationship.
Yeah, you did say you believed she was genuine and sincerely wanted to work on herself. Although if she refused therapy, while suffering from a severe mental health issue (one that requires medication) – I guess that was already a red flag. Maybe she was telling you that she wanted to work on herself, because that’s something you wanted to hear (since you were noticing her triggers etc). But she never agreed to go to therapy during those 9 months you were together.
And in fact, she did tell you she doesn’t like how you treated her at times:
She did tell me sometimes that I didn’t treat her how she wanted to be treated in certain moments.
So she did express that she was displeased with you. She wasn’t blaming herself all the time. Sometimes she was blaming you too. Even though she told you you were her best boyfriend, her rock etc. So there were signs she was unhappy with you, but you always managed to reassure her that you love her and that you weren’t mistreating her. As I already said, maybe she accepted your reassurance for a while, but soon enough, the next trigger came, and for her, the trigger was your “unloving” behavior. And then she would get offended again.
So even though you tried to give her reassurance, it doesn’t mean she really accepted it. And it doesn’t mean she really accepted that it is her who is too sensitive. Her wounded part believed it was you who was insensitive. And I think that’s what finally made her to leave.
we did split plenty of times
What was the reason of those previous splits, if I may ask? Was it similarly that she got upset with something you said or did, and she left?
My ex I met very quickly after she left her ex, maybe this solidifies it. It definitely will if she has someone new in the next couple weeks.
Yeah, for some people it’s very hard to be alone, because that triggers the feeling of being unloved and unwanted. So they need to find someone else as soon as possible…
I didn’t feel as of though I was walking on eggshells but my friend told me from his point of view it sounded very toxic.
Alright, so you didn’t feel like you were walking on eggshells around her. So perhaps you were honest with her and would always tell her when something about her bothered you (e.g. when she overreacted)?
What did your friend think was toxic about your relationship?
I definitely felt as if I was putting a lot of work in and I think she may have thought she was putting all the work in. I remember her briefly mentioned something like that once.
See, this is another proof that she saw your relationship differently than you: she thought she was putting in all the work, and you thought you were doing that. You thought she was too sensitive and that she realizes she is too sensitive, but she probably thought you were not sensitive enough and don’t love her enough.
When she said she was doing all the work, what do you think she meant?
To answer your question all my exes have had some form of anxiety or being prescribed to medication
Okay, that might be a pattern…
Past exes I did put in effort after breakups to reconcile, mainly due to the nature of breakups being my own doing.
So with your past exes, it was you who would break up and then try to reconcile. But with this girl, you never wanted to break up, you wanted to work things through no matter what. May I ask what made you break up in your past relationships, but then also want to go back?
You don’t need to answer if you don’t feel comfortable. I am just trying to understand better…March 14, 2023 at 1:26 am #416279
I think she could have been gaslighting me a little bit by saying what i wanted to hear. I just know she was so confused but again it did feel real. She did say she felt i mistreated her at times but again she would always take it back and apologize once things had calmed down. “You dont mistreat me, Im sorry for saying that I know you treat me well” things along those lines she would say. She did say she felt like she was too much for me at times and would want space, there were also times she said i needed space but that isn’t her call to make. However once she was grounded again she would always reassure me that everything was okay and she was overthinking etc.
I think she felt as if she shouldn’t have to be constantly reassured… but she honestly did because most the time it was the small things that triggered her, she couldn’t look at the bigger picture in life. Such as work, family, exercise and passion. The innocent comments or actions is generally what triggered her too feel unloved I think. These were always minor as I mentioned earlier, and always resolved. I can understand the triggering during sex may have genuinely affected her and might have made her rethink if I was the right person. She knew she was sensitive but and would probably put all that back onto me. This could be why she felt like a burden deep down too.
Okay ill try keep this short but there were 5 splits in 9 months! The first 3 were quite minor and we would be back together same day maybe two days maximum. When we first met we were both smoking weed, I think she said something like we were on different paths etc. and that is why she broke up with me. Maybe because I had trouble quitting at first and she was doing much better reducing her usage. I eventually made the change later on, we will come back to this in a moment. I do remember one time we were play fighting and I put my arm around her neck from behind although I honestly didn’t think I choked her like that. Next day she was very upset and broke off again and said I told you do never do that as it was the one thing she didn’t want. I explained it was an accident and we moved on, I said my apology and that it would never happen again. She did mention from memory once that she felt like her body was rejecting me which was odd. The fourth time was bad it was just after New Year and again I fell into my trap of smoking weed again, it was holidays so I found it harder. She said I had become distant etc. She said she had to Love and Leave me.
After many texts and silence about 4 days later we got back together and I said I am not smoking daily anymore because I realized it pushed her away. Looking back I wish I was more careful and thoughtful about my own conditions. I asked her to provide me with security and honesty in the relationship. So I quit smoking daily. I made the changes and I only smoke on the odd occasion ever since. I’m not sure if my smoking was a genuine reason for her breaking up with me in the past because now I wasn’t reliant on it and she was happy for me as she always said. However in the end she still left me for the fifth time.
No i was quite open about my feelings with her, told her about work, psych appointments, anxiety I was feeling at times. There was one time she wasn’t there for me when i was so anxious and thought she would leave again but she apologized and said she just couldn’t talk sometimes, so I would get left in the dark. It was many hours later she said this. I think i get that feeling of being unwanted as I have recently jumped into relationships, maybe a few months after each break up. But this one felt so real to me, so genuine and loving.
I think it was toxic just how we broke up so much, not the actual relationship. One thing I said to her is this is how you grow together and build the foundations of great companionship, working through the tough times and reconciling. To me there is always resolve or a solution and if you both are on the same page you continue to work towards bettering each other.
By putting in all the work I think she just meant that she was more emotionally invested and attached. I was very attached, I would explain to her I can be a bit oblivious and spacey in general, not that I was feeling down. Usually I am always smiling so she would notice when I wasn’t and ask what’s wrong and I would reply with nothing as i generally felt okay. There was only maybe two occasions where I was actually down and I eventually picked up on it myself and opened up. Nothing major in the end, just a typical rainy day.
So I have never broken up with a girl. My ex actually told me she had never been dumped either, always her doing the dumping, maybe its a control thing for her. My past break ups were me not actually being fully invested or ready for it in the end. I didn’t know what I wanted and I didn’t think they were the right girls for me. They were nice enough but my well-being was dragging me down as I did feel like I was stepping on eggshells with them. They were not as laid back. I was smoking full time during them and it was a problem but I couldn’t stop. That is why I changed my habits over time with this girl because I knew I actually wanted her. When I first met her I wasn’t smoking, she actually got me back into it again.
I think in the end I wanted to go back because I wanted to give it a proper shot at the time. But now I think I was just slone and missing having someone. However I do feel different with this girl. I really do feel a lot of love for her and it is gut wrenching whats happened. All my friends are saying what she did deserves an explanation and you deserve an apology. I haven’t heard back from her yet, I don’t think she has received my poem or letter. When she does if I don’t get a reply genuine heartfelt reply explaining what she did within a few days to a week I will be sending her a quick message just saying I feel a bit disrespected and that she wasn’t honest, due to the dating app. But ill wait to see if I hear from her.March 14, 2023 at 4:25 am #416282PeggyParticipant
I’ve read all the posts and it really does seem that you have shown yourself to be a loving, supportive partner towards your girlfriend. The problem is that no matter how much you say or do, it disappears into an empty well. PTSD is easy to treat when you (your girlfriend) finds a qualified professional. I am speaking from that perspective.
For want of a better phrase, you have now been shown the red card. You have found out where you stand with her from this dating app. She’s looking for someone else. I suggest that you mentally let her go with love and move on to someone new who can return your feelings. Cut all contact and move on.March 14, 2023 at 4:25 am #416283
So if I got this right, when you met her, you were both smoking weed, but you were smoking more than her, i.e. you couldn’t stop, while she could (she was doing much better reducing her usage), and it seems it bothered her. She said “we are on different paths”, and she broke up with you. Your smoking was the reason for the first 3 breakups, if I understood right?
most the time it was the small things that triggered her, she couldn’t look at the bigger picture in life. Such as work, family, exercise and passion.
You said that the last time she was triggered, you were talking about those same topics (marriage, family, kids). What was it about it that she would get upset about? Maybe you wanted to settle down, and she didn’t? Or you told her she needs to find her passion, and she had trouble doing that?
I do remember one time we were play fighting and I put my arm around her neck from behind although I honestly didn’t think I choked her like that. Next day she was very upset and broke off again and said I told you do never do that as it was the one thing she didn’t want. I explained it was an accident and we moved on, I said my apology and that it would never happen again.
Right.. so does it mean it already happened before – that you were play fighting and you accidentally grabbed her where she didn’t want? But then it happened again and that’s when she broke it off? Or it only happened once?
The fourth time was bad it was just after New Year and again I fell into my trap of smoking weed again, it was holidays so I found it harder. She said I had become distant etc. She said she had to Love and Leave me.
Right.. well, that’s true that people who smoke tend to be less empathic because they are in their “feel-good” bubble. So I can imagine it hurt her when you were paying less attention to her. And I guess she needed you to be her emotional support at all times, so it wasn’t really a good deal for her.
After many texts and silence about 4 days later we got back together and I said I am not smoking daily anymore because I realized it pushed her away. Looking back I wish I was more careful and thoughtful about my own conditions. I asked her to provide me with security and honesty in the relationship. So I quit smoking daily. I made the changes and I only smoke on the odd occasion ever since.
Good for you! I am glad you made those changes…
I’m not sure if my smoking was a genuine reason for her breaking up with me in the past because now I wasn’t reliant on it and she was happy for me as she always said.
It could have been, because I think she needed you to emotionally regulate her. So if you were careless and emotionally distant, she didn’t like it. So your smoking could have been the reason she left you on those 3 occasions. But after the New Year’s, you said you stopped. However, other problems remained (like her being needy and oversensitive). And maybe the family/kids/”seeing the big picture” theme, which you seemed to have your differences about?
No i was quite open about my feelings with her, told her about work, psych appointments, anxiety I was feeling at times. There was one time she wasn’t there for me when i was so anxious and thought she would leave again but she apologized and said she just couldn’t talk sometimes, so I would get left in the dark. It was many hours later she said this.
It was good you were open about your own issues. So your dynamic wasn’t just you noticing her issues, trying to get her to work on them, while pretending you don’t have issues of your own… However, it seems she wasn’t able to support you when you were really anxious, since it was too much for her. I can understand that, because if she was an anxious and easily dysregulated person herself, she wouldn’t have the capacity to soothe you, to calm you down. I guess your anxiety only dysregulated her even more.
By putting in all the work I think she just meant that she was more emotionally invested and attached. I was very attached, I would explain to her I can be a bit oblivious and spacey in general, not that I was feeling down. Usually I am always smiling so she would notice when I wasn’t and ask what’s wrong and I would reply with nothing as i generally felt okay.
Well, smoking weed can make people oblivious and spacey. And as I said, it seems to me she needed someone to sort of “guard over” her all the time and give her emotional support (because she couldn’t regulate herself). And so when you were spaced out, she didn’t appreciate it.
Let me ask you: when you stopped smoking weed regularly, after the New Year’s, has your mood changed? Did you get more anxious and less “happy-go-lucky”? Because maybe that too was something she didn’t like?
They were nice enough but my well-being was dragging me down as I did feel like I was stepping on eggshells with them. They were not as laid back. I was smoking full time during them and it was a problem but I couldn’t stop.
Right… so since you were smoking all the time, it could be that you were careless and not empathetic enough with them, and they would complain about it. You thought they weren’t laid back enough, but it might have been actually you who was not considerate enough? Maybe you would leave when they were complaining, but then returned to give it another try, to try to be “more invested”?
That is why I changed my habits over time with this girl because I knew I actually wanted her.
Good! Because it seems smoking did affect your relationships quite a bit. Unfortunately, with this one, the problem was bigger, but still it’s great you managed to stop. Let it be not just for her, but for yourself too…March 14, 2023 at 11:49 am #416293
I am just struggling to let go, is PTSD really that easy to treat on top of mental health conditions?She has also been prescribed to anti psychotics when she was a teen so she has a lot of demons obviously.
I am going to wait to see if I get a reply or not. I think you’re right she has made her choice and there is nothing I can do. I just wanted an explanation to why she actually broke up with me from her. I do believe it will give me a bit of peace of mind.March 14, 2023 at 12:05 pm #416295
When I first met her I wasn’t actually smoking and she was. However I soon followed her habits. I think she did feel guilty about this earlier on in the relationship. I think my smoking was maybe once or twice the reason for her leaving but besides that it always seemed like a different reason just never anything concrete to me.
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Im not sure of the actual reason she got triggered. I think it was me pointing out that she has certain things she does when upset. Like the rolling over and bottling everything up. She told me she left because she keeps having feelings or leaving and just didn’t see it working out and she needs time and space for heal on her own. That’s why im so shocked she in already on a dating app. seemed like a bit of a cop out to me.
No the choke happened once and never again. We didn’t have our differences about the future at all that’s what is so confusing to me. We were both on the same page when talking about kids marriage etc we both knew we wanted it one day.</p>
My anxiety probably did make it harder for her as when I was needing her she wasn’t there for me, similar to now even though I would be willing to be there for her even as support.
Once I stopped smoking I felt great I was more vigilant and just energetic always laughing with her etc. it was a good change for me and the relationship it just wasn’t the real problem deep down.
Yeh I probably wasn’t very considerate during my first couple relationships. They would definitely frustrate me a lot with their own problems which is harsh to say. However this girl was different as I actually want to help her and be there for her.
I am glad overall I cut down smoking but I just feel abandoned and disrespected now. I feel like I was lied to and she wasn’t honest or open with me at all.March 14, 2023 at 10:56 pm #416316
I just feel abandoned and disrespected now. I feel like I was lied to and she wasn’t honest or open with me at all.
I totally get that you feel abandoned and disrespected. You thought she loved you and wanted to be with you, and that she wanted to work on herself so she could have a healthier relationship with you. And then she goes on a dating app…. quite the opposite of what she told you.
She was telling you that you were her best boyfriend, her best friend, her rock… well if this was the case, she wouldn’t have joined a dating app so quickly.
Unless there were really 2 parts in her: one that loved you and thought you were the best, and the other, the wounded part, which didn’t trust you and thought you wanted to hurt her. You described this duality here:
She did say she felt i mistreated her at times but again she would always take it back and apologize once things had calmed down. “You dont mistreat me, Im sorry for saying that I know you treat me well” things along those lines she would say.
So one part (the wounded part) felt mistreated, but the other part (the rational part) knew it wasn’t true. I don’t think she lied to you when she apologized and told you you were not mistreating her. Also, perhaps she didn’t lie to you when she said you were her best boyfriend, her rock etc. Because the rational part might have thought that.
But the emotional part (the wounded part) felt differently. It was telling her that you were not right for her, that you were mistreating her, that her seizures meant she shouldn’t be with you. The wounded part was having “feelings of leaving”… so it could be that her wounded part sabotaged the relationship, even if her rational part maybe wanted it?
You said yesterday that she was prescribed antipsychotics in her teens, so this 2-part theory might actually be quite feasible. I am not saying she is a split personality, but there could be a sharp contrast between those two parts.
When she told you that she was “constantly torn between her heart and her head”, she might have been talking about the conflict between those two parts. And finally her “heart” (which is actually her wounded part) won.
So considering that, I am not sure she was lying to you during the relationship. Only at the end, I guess, when the wounded part won and she decided to leave. That’s when she told you she needed to work on herself, when in fact she just wanted out.
I don’t know if you find this explanation feasible and if looking at things this way helps you at all?March 15, 2023 at 2:38 am #416319
I still have high hopes for her. I think she will get back to me once she reads my letter and poem. If she doesn’t then I will have my answer and I wont continue to chase someone that is running away. I don’t think ill mention to her about being disrespected and her doing that is wrong in my eyes, it will just push her away even more and make me look too attached, emotional and that I am struggling without her. I will simply leave her with the letter and poem as my final words. I think this would leave a better memory for her and cause less resent. But if she doesn’t want my help even as a friend then there isn’t anything I can do besides better myself. Maybe one day she reaches out but I won’t jump to conclusions just yet. Do you think this is wise? I will obviously be coming back here once I know she has 100% received my letter and let you know what her response was if I do get one.
She almost did seem like she had dual personalities at times. One that was so bubbly and comforting but on the odd occasion she would completely shut off or turned on me. She was jobless most this year, I remember about a week before we split I encouraged her to find work. She told me ‘don’t tell me what to do, I know I need too’. I told her I know you’re having a bad day and I’m only trying to help. She told me ‘I can help myself, talk later’. (This is all over text). Later that day she apologized and said ‘I know your only trying to help. let me know when you’re free’. I went over and she mentioned she had feelings of leaving again, however she didn’t leave so I congratulated her for beating that feeling. In this moment she was happy. However the very next day she messaged again saying she was feeling flat, I told her you should be proud of yourself, you’re doing great, you can come over too mine anytime! She replied ‘I want to stay at home and I know you rather be alone at your place, you said you’d be there for me not just because I ask but because you want too’. I told her she was putting it back onto me and she didn’t like that so there was a tiny misunderstanding. We both agreed we weren’t looking for a fight, I ended up going over to hers. She apologized sorry for taking it out on me and admitted she was. She also mentioned it may be her insecurity and she just needs reassurance. So it did seem like a dual personality just from this situation I mentioned over a two day period.
she had demons in her, I briefly remember her also texting me one time saying she dissociated and ended up about 20 minutes from home with no recollection. She also mentioned she would go completely black at times like she lost vision. I told her I am worried but she should’ve gotten proper help for it herself. Are symptoms like this related to any specific cause? I do genuinely care for her and want whats best for her.
It definitely helps a lot it does seem like her head would say one thing and her heart the other. She was torn between what she wanted and what she thought she needed by the sound of it. The wounded part did win, I think it was just survival for her at the end of the day and it made her feel safe at the time and she couldn’t process rational thoughts. This is what gives me hope that she will eventually come to realize I was good and loving and only wanted to help but for now I will try not dwell on the future as right now she may be really wanting to find her own path and start a new journey. I worry for people she may hurt in the future.
Thanks Tee, you have been greatMarch 15, 2023 at 3:50 am #416320
you’re welcome. Glad that this helps you process it better and perhaps feel less angry at her.
I’ve just looked up dissociation and vision problems, and those could be related. Her vision going black for short periods of time could be the result of dissociation or depersonalization. Her eyesight isn’t affected by it, it’s just a temporary manifestation.
Also, if she has episodes where she “checks out” and doesn’t remember how she got from one place to another – that too indicates dissociation. I wouldn’t say she has “demons”, but rather, these are the consequences of her trauma. But in any case, it confirms that she should be in therapy, rather than trying to deal with it on her own.
I still have high hopes for her. I think she will get back to me once she reads my letter and poem.
I’ve got to ask you: even if she comes back to you, but refuses to seek therapy, would this be good for you? I mean, if the status quo continued, where she is regularly questioning you and you’re regularly reassuring her of your love and intentions… would this be good for you?
This is what gives me hope that she will eventually come to realize I was good and loving and only wanted to help
I think you would need to tell this to yourself: that you were (and are) good and loving and only wanted to help. You’re expecting her to tell you this, but do you believe it yourself?
Maybe you do already love yourself enough. But still I need to ask, because it might be key for your own healing…March 15, 2023 at 5:29 am #416321PeggyParticipant
PTSD can be pretty easy to treat. A stress consultant would have in depth conversations with your girlfriend to ascertain how the problems arose, teach relaxation methods and within about six sessions, should be able to move on to treating PTSD. In simple terms, trauma is caused by the emotions attached to an event. Depression is the result of dominant personalities or grief that has been unexpressed. Psychosis tends to run in families and needs expert help. Of course, every case is different as to how problems arose.
Your own anxiety could also be helped considerably by learning relaxation techniques. It could be as simple as learning to breathe fully (as opposed to shallow breathing) or taking up an exercise routine such as yoga or Qi Gong. It’s worth thinking about.
Rejection is always tough to take. We’ve all been there. It doesn’t matter what her reasoning is, it still hurts. You sound as if you are looking for a logical explanation and there perhaps isn’t one. Accepting the situation as it is might bring you peace of mind. I hope so. Best Wishes.March 15, 2023 at 6:04 am #416323
Demons may be the wrong word but she definitely has a lot of underlying issues that need to be solved. May not be the best idea but I was looking through some of our earlier messages. Some really stood out from different days and weeks. One was her randomly apologizing for how she has been saying she can’t handle these big emotions and she lets them take over her like she is watching herself do and say things that aren’t actually her. Then other times she says she is distant and doesn’t know how to talk and let it out. She told me she doesn’t want to hurt me because she loves me too much and doesn’t want to f*** things up. It’s stuff like this that is so conflicting for me as I am getting both sides of her.
To answer your question one of the conditions my psych said was to actually say that therapy is a must so I know she is making the changes. But again it’s hard as she wouldn’t want to be forced but I think it would have to come to that for my own security.
I honestly do believe myself that I was loving and caring because I know I was great to her, even she said it. It may have only been the rational side of her though, there were times were she would feel like I treated her badly and would need that extra reassurance but that was just her insecure, sensitive and wounded side. The genuine down to earth side of her knew I was amazing and so do I. Deep down I know she was lucky to have me. I genuinely do love myself and things I do for people, I always go above and beyond. I know im good without hearing it from others.March 15, 2023 at 6:13 am #416324
Her trauma definitely seems like it left a massive scar on her as I believe her being prescribed to medication came from that. I’m not totally sure but they definitely both came around the same time as she was prescribed when she was 17 and the trauma happened at about the same time. It’s good to know that if it ever comes to a point where she wants to reconnect under certain conditions then there is therapy available that is effective.
I am seeing a psych for my anxiety. Girls are definitely my biggest killer as I tend to get attached and obsessive which is what I will be looking at next with my psych. My first issue was the weed smoking but now I have good control over that and I’m happy where I am with that. My psych has mentioned breathing techniques, I should practice these more. I have been trying to ground myself but not sure if it’s helping as much.
Grief is difficult and you’re right there isn’t a logical explanation to me. It’s all full on confusion as she probably doesn’t understand why she had to actually do it either. I will try accept the situation as best as possible. Either way I will learn in the end and grow immensely from this experience regardless of the outcome between us too. I’m trying to remind myself this everyday and not focus my well being on her too much as I may end up getting burnt again.
thanks for your reply!March 15, 2023 at 12:50 pm #416334
To answer your question one of the conditions my psych said was to actually say that therapy is a must so I know she is making the changes. But again it’s hard as she wouldn’t want to be forced but I think it would have to come to that for my own security.
I agree with your therapist that she would need to seek professional help, and not rely exclusively on self-help or you helping her. Her issues are big enough to warrant therapy. This I think should be your precondition if she wants to get back together some time in the future. If she resists, of course you can’t force it, but you can still stick to this requirement. As you yourself said it, it’s important for your own mental and emotional safety.
Deep down I know she was lucky to have me. I genuinely do love myself and things I do for people, I always go above and beyond. I know im good without hearing it from others.
This is so good to hear, Adam. I am happy that you love yourself and don’t need to seek confirmation from her or anybody else.
Girls are definitely my biggest killer as I tend to get attached and obsessive which is what I will be looking at next with my psych. My first issue was the weed smoking but now I have good control over that and I’m happy where I am with that.
It’s great you could put smoking under control. That’s a great achievement!
As for the girls, it seems to me that in your previous relationships you were less attached to them than you were to your last girlfriend:
I probably wasn’t very considerate during my first couple relationships. They would definitely frustrate me a lot with their own problems which is harsh to say. …. I did feel like I was stepping on eggshells with them. They were not as laid back. I was smoking full time during them and it was a problem but I couldn’t stop.
Am I right thinking that you didn’t want to be too attached to your previous girlfriends, and it was more like that they were needy and clingy, while you were more of the avoidant one? They wanted something from you, and you found it annoying and just wanted to be left alone and smoke weed? (maybe this is oversimplification – let me know what the dynamic with them was?)
Whereas with this girl, things were different:
However this girl was different as I actually want to help her and be there for her.
None of them I felt for how I did this girl. Every moment seemed so real and there was no second guessing my heart at all. It really felt like destiny or a higher force to me and that’s why I wanted to give it my all.
For her, you stopped smoking weed. You didn’t want to break up (like you did with you past exes), you were clinging to the relationship, no matter how hard it was. You didn’t find her annoying, and you didn’t feel like you were walking on eggshells, even though she was quite sensitive to how you were treating her.
It’s almost like the roles were reversed in this relationship: you were the one who was clingy, and she, with her frequent breakups and her dissociation/withdrawal behaviors, was like the avoidant one.
I don’t know how significant this is, but thought to mention it, since I’ve just noticed it. Anyway, let me know what you think…