Home→Forums→Relationships→My depressed girlfriend left me
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March 15, 2023 at 2:35 pm #416337AdamParticipant
Hey Tee
So from what you’re saying if she resists it then there wouldn’t be any point pursuing things with her again in the future?
Yeh that was definitely the case with my past relationships. This one felt like we were both clingy, she honestly seemed like she wanted it more but again it wasn’t always. I definitely got more attached and invested when she would say things like she knows I’m the one, so happy with you, want to be your wife one day and that she is so lucky to have me. I wanted to be attached for these reasons because I genuinely believed she wanted me as a lifelong partner. I still have in my head that deep down she does as well but she is so hurt and torn that something inside her is telling her to push me away and that it isn’t meant to be. Hard pill too swallow.
Im not sure what has happened overall. It is slowly making sense that she was really confused and listened to her emotional traumatized side over what she really wanted. I just can’t give up hope for these reasons. I certain she will message me back after everything she has told me. However I won’t know how to respond as she could reply with a million different things depending on where she is at and how her mood is at the time
March 15, 2023 at 11:09 pm #416345TeeParticipantHi Adam,
So from what you’re saying if she resists it then there wouldn’t be any point pursuing things with her again in the future?
Yes, because she would likely be the same person, which is like 2 personalities in one: some days bubbly and wanting you, other days withdrawn and pushing you away. If she doesn’t heal her trauma (and it won’t just happen spontaneously, without therapy), she will be the same person and she will be in and out of the relationship all the time. And that’s quite exhausting for you, I’d imagine.
I wonder if this pattern is familiar to you from your childhood perhaps? Being very attached to someone who wasn’t always present in your life, who was coming and going, or whose love wasn’t always reliable?
You don’t need to answer, if you don’t feel like…
This one felt like we were both clingy, she honestly seemed like she wanted it more but again it wasn’t always. I definitely got more attached and invested when she would say things like she knows I’m the one, so happy with you, want to be your wife one day and that she is so lucky to have me. I wanted to be attached for these reasons because I genuinely believed she wanted me as a lifelong partner.
Sure, we like to hear those things. It gives us hope for the person and hope for the future. But unfortunately it’s only one side of the coin… and you can’t build your life and future with someone who is flipping from one side to the other…
However I won’t know how to respond as she could reply with a million different things depending on where she is at and how her mood is at the time
Well, you’ll see what she says and decide based on that. If she ever writes back and you’re unsure how to respond, you can post here and I’ll give you my honest opinion.
March 16, 2023 at 1:20 am #416347AdamParticipantHi Tee,
It is a harsh reality that at the end of the day this is her and what I envisioned she would be is a fantasy. Still I haven’t given up hope and I am struggling to process everything that’s happened, if she was genuine at the end of the day she will want to reconnect when she is thinking rationally. Over time the good memories will be more present than the bad ones (for me there wasn’t too many besides her rubber banding) and I think the feelings will return too. I am trying to not prepare for the situation too much because I don’t want to get too excited as it may not even happen.
I’m not sure why I get attached like this but I don’t think its from my childhood. Maybe I need to speak to my psych about it. I’m devastated, I’m pretty sure she is talking to someone she met on the dating app if my detective work is right, I have my suspicions due to social media. It really hurts that she would do me like that if it is the case. But if so I know eventually I will be stronger and she will be in the same cycle for a long time. Have I been lied to about everything she said? She left me in the dark and it is gut wrenching if she has already moved on.
If I do hear from her I will definitely post her reply here for advice.
March 16, 2023 at 4:43 am #416351TeeParticipantHi Adam,
It is a harsh reality that at the end of the day this is her and what I envisioned she would be is a fantasy.
I’m devastated, I’m pretty sure she is talking to someone she met on the dating app if my detective work is right, I have my suspicions due to social media. It really hurts that she would do me like that if it is the case.
I feel for you. It’s hard to be abandoned like that, after all the loving things she told you, and all the love and support you gave her.
I’m not sure why I get attached like this but I don’t think its from my childhood. Maybe I need to speak to my psych about it.
Yes, please do talk to her about it. I have an idea why this is so painful for you, and it’s related to this what you said:
Have I been lied to about everything she said? She left me in the dark and it is gut wrenching if she has already moved on.
This seems like one of the core questions that’s troubling you. And maybe, just maybe, you unconsciously adopted a false belief that if she lied to you, it means you’re not worthy enough. Or something to that effect. If you’d like to, we can dig deeper into that. But my hunch is that there’s a hurt there, which is related to your core false belief (and a core wound), and that’s why it’s so very painful.
If I do hear from her I will definitely post her reply here for advice.
Okay, please do that.
March 16, 2023 at 11:09 am #416353AdamParticipantHey Tee,
Atleast it’s given me a reason to move on and let go. I know I’m worthy of love but this isn’t it. I’ve wasted a lot of my own time and well-being on someone who is mentally unstable and full of conflicted thought and internal battles within themselves. I only wanted to help. Like a superhero trying to save someone.
I think it could definitely be related to that since I do know what I put into the relationship but despite my effort it wasn’t enough. It is frightening that whatever I did it didn’t matter in the end or in the moment despite everything we shared.
Maybe it is a false belief that I was lied too. But it doesn’t feel that way. I feel like if you say all those things to people despite the challenges you try your hardest. Relationships are hard work and never perfect. I understand that there will be bad times but you must work through it and overcome those hurdles and grow together with the person, especially if you believe they are the one and someone you want to marry. She obviously saw it differently, maybe just hoping that her partner will fix her own issues. I don’t think me ruminating on every single possibility helps either, they all scare me.
The only way I will even consider something now is if she returns from her holiday and pours everything out on the table and wants to genuinely talk about it. But I don’t think that will happen to be completely honest. It could be the most heartfelt apology and her saying she definitely knows it’s me she wants but I feel like that would be her just telling me the right things. Either way I think I may just say no. She needs therapy for herself. Do you think I would be stupid to give her another chance?
She may think I’ve moved on and then she will return and see my letter and think she messed it up. Which is true it’s her mess and she needs to clean it up. If I get no reply within a week or two I will be blocking everything and deleting her from my life. I think it needs to be done at that point. If she loved me truly she would want to be with me. It’s so weird that she hasn’t even reached out yet but it just shows her immaturity.
March 16, 2023 at 12:12 pm #416355TeeParticipantHi Adam,
I know I’m worthy of love but this isn’t it. I’ve wasted a lot of my own time and well-being on someone who is mentally unstable and full of conflicted thought and internal battles within themselves. I only wanted to help. Like a superhero trying to save someone.
Yes, you tried your best. And it’s not your fault that it didn’t succeed. Because it didn’t depend on you, but on her. Only she can save herself. You can help, but you can’t do the work (healing, processing, facing her “demons”) instead of her.
I think it could definitely be related to that since I do know what I put into the relationship but despite my effort it wasn’t enough. It is frightening that whatever I did it didn’t matter in the end or in the moment despite everything we shared.
Yes, your efforts were not enough to help her. But the thing is that when someone suffers from a deep emotional wound, it’s like a bottomless pit – it cannot be filled. No matter what you did, no matter how perfect your love was – it wasn’t enough for her. But it’s not your fault.
I am saying this because in situations like this, we tend to blame ourselves. “It is frightening that whatever I did it didn’t matter in the end” — we can easily interpret this as “I wasn’t good enough”. Because my best efforts didn’t change the person. Therefore, I conclude that “there must be something wrong with me.” This is how we think as children. We try our best to please our parents, to make them happy, and when that doesn’t work out, we blame ourselves. We believe it’s our fault.
So I just want to check: do you on some level believe it’s your fault that you couldn’t help her?
I feel like if you say all those things to people despite the challenges you try your hardest. Relationships are hard work and never perfect. I understand that there will be bad times but you must work through it and overcome those hurdles and grow together with the person, especially if you believe they are the one and someone you want to marry.
It’s a good, positive attitude that you have about relationships. To try to work through problems instead of giving up. And it works if two people are both committed to the relationship. But she couldn’t be committed, due to her trauma. I think a part of her didn’t feel safe in the relationship. Nothing to do with you, you did nothing bad. But the person can’t commit if a part of them wants to run away all the time. And I think that was the problem. She would first need to heal that wounded part – a part that wants to run away – before she can have a committed relationship with anyone.
Do you think I would be stupid to give her another chance?
As I said, if she believes she doesn’t need therapy (i.e. if she doesn’t want to “face her demons”), then I think giving her another chance would be a bad idea. But let’s wait till she replies. You don’t really know what she’s thinking and feeling at the moment… and if she is realizing anything. Give it some more time, both to her and to yourself.
March 16, 2023 at 1:50 pm #416361AdamParticipantHey Tee
Just letting you know you’ve been really helpful. I have a lot of support outside of here but just thought I’d let you know that you have given me a great deal of support yourself and it’s a blessing.
I think that’s what has made it more difficult for me. My desire to help others has just been thrown away. Even after everything she’s put me through which I know I deserve a lot better, I still can’t resist the urge to want to help her. I guess it says a lot about my character. I just wish she would’ve allowed me in for support. Who knows maybe she still will, for now I’m stuck in limbo.
I honestly do believe it is my fault a bit because I failed to get her the proper help she needs, maybe my persistence was too much for her. I know there isn’t anything wrong with me yet I do ponder of the what ifs. What could I have done differently etc. But I know I gave my all in the end it’s just a kick in gut when she didn’t want to better herself and make the changes. It’s hurts to hear she doesn’t feel safe in the relationship. I worry about the future for this reason, what if the next person she changes for? What if she feels comfortable getting the help she needs and works on herself for them and for her? I would be upset if that’s the case.
She said that the leaving and running away was a trauma response so it makes sense. So she was even aware of it herself which is so frustrating considering she didn’t want to realise that and change and justified leaving me with other reasons. I really do feel like she has tried to make me feel pity on top of manipulating me even if that was unintentional.
You’re right no one knows what she is thinking, not even she does. I know she would be in a bad place though deep down. I don’t know what will happen but I feel like now the more we drift apart the more she tells herself it was me that was making her feel what she felt.
Time is all I can give but I don’t think this girl was any good for me as that is what everyone is telling. From the outside it’s easier to see but the facts are all there. Why else would she be on a dating app? I am obviously heart broken and think I will be left with real abandonment issues after this. It wasn’t fair on me at all, she dragged me through the mud. A friend had a good perception that I may be picturing her highs as very high because her lows were very low, do you think this could be the case?
March 16, 2023 at 2:18 pm #416362AdamParticipantI forgot to add something. I have obviously been quite obsessive and struggling to move on and let go. I have driven past hers a few times and this is how I know she has been away. My psych said she did the same thing once and it is a coping mechanism. Also the stalking I have been doing, social media is so toxic and has made it harder for me.
In saying all of this I’ve almost been expecting to drive past hers and see some new persons car or something similar, like I’m almost looking for a reason to move on and feel no pity. Is this a sign in a sense? Clarification for myself that she didn’t care to make it easier to let go? Or is it just another coping mechanism?
March 16, 2023 at 11:34 pm #416366TeeParticipantHi Adam,
you’re very welcome, thank you for your kind words. I am really glad this is helping you.
My desire to help others has just been thrown away.
Yeah, it seems you feel rejected not only as her romantic partner, but perhaps also as a person, as a friend?
I honestly do believe it is my fault a bit because I failed to get her the proper help she needs, maybe my persistence was too much for her. I know there isn’t anything wrong with me yet I do ponder of the what ifs. What could I have done differently etc.
You were suggesting therapy, but she refused. She said it hasn’t worked before, so it won’t now either. You couldn’t have done more in that respect. And you were very supportive whenever she had those thoughts of wanting to leave. You told her you’re proud of her for staying, for conquering those impulses. Also, you said you always helped her calm down after her seizures and that she felt safe with you in that respect.
When someone is suffering from PTSD, you can’t really avoid them being triggered, because even the smallest thing can be a trigger. So no, you couldn’t have done more. Thinking that she would have stayed had you done something different is an illusion. It’s not you who drove her away, but her own trauma, her own internal battle…
It’s hurts to hear she doesn’t feel safe in the relationship.
Maybe that’s not even true that she didn’t feel safe. What’s for sure is that she had thoughts of leaving almost all the time. She had thoughts or feelings that you’re not the right person for her, or that you want to hurt her and put her down. She had those thoughts and feelings not because you were mistreating her, but because of her trauma, because she was interpreting everything through the lens of her trauma. She saw you and your intentions in a distorted way – due to her trauma. That’s why she left, not because of you were bad to her.
I worry about the future for this reason, what if the next person she changes for? What if she feels comfortable getting the help she needs and works on herself for them and for her? I would be upset if that’s the case.
Right… because that would mean (in your interpretation) that you were not good enough. That it was your fault after all. Which to me indicates a core belief, or a core wound, of not feeling good enough. That someone else would be better and more worthy than you…
I don’t know what will happen but I feel like now the more we drift apart the more she tells herself it was me that was making her feel what she felt.
Maybe, but you don’t know that. Maybe she is blaming you, maybe she is not. But the biggest problem that I see is that you are blaming yourself. And that causes you the greatest hurt…
It wasn’t fair on me at all, she dragged me through the mud.
No, it wasn’t, you didn’t deserve it. It seems to me a part of you believes you deserved it – because you were not good enough. (I honestly do believe it is my fault a bit because I failed to get her the proper help she needs, maybe my persistence was too much for her.) See how that works? A part of you is angry with her, but another part is “It’s my fault. She wouldn’t have done it had I been different.” And that’s an illusion.
I have obviously been quite obsessive and struggling to move on and let go. I have driven past hers a few times and this is how I know she has been away. My psych said she did the same thing once and it is a coping mechanism. Also the stalking I have been doing, social media is so toxic and has made it harder for me.
Well, that’s understandable that it’s hard to let go. It’s only been a couple of weeks or so. And since you’re the abandoned party, no wonder you’re still attached to her, you want to know what’s going on with her, has she found someone new…
I’ve almost been expecting to drive past hers and see some new persons car or something similar, like I’m almost looking for a reason to move on and feel no pity.
Yeah, I understand, it’s like if she moved on so quickly, then you’d be even angrier with her and you hope it would help you get over her more quickly. But like this, not knowing what she’s up to, you’re not that angry with her but you’re more like blaming yourself, feeling guilty.
And I think this – blaming yourself, feeling guilty, feeling you’re not good enough because your efforts have failed – that’s what’s making it so hard for you. I mean, it adds an additional layer of pain, which shouldn’t be there…
Let me know what you think?
March 17, 2023 at 1:37 am #416367AdamParticipantHey Tee,
I genuinely mean you’ve helped me a lot. You don’t have to answer but do you have a background in mental health study?
I think you are spot on there. I do feel completely rejected as a person, maybe that’s what leads me to thinking some of these negative thoughts about my own character despite knowing I am caring and loving deep down. I am definitely feeling different about things today and I’m not under the illusion of I could’ve done things differently as much anymore, I pull myself up on it whenever I have that thought. Her trauma and mental health is the reason too why she left in my eyes. I think everyone agrees.
I know I wasn’t bad to her, as you and Peggy said I was a loving and caring partner. I don’t believe someone would be more worthy than me but maybe more compatible? Who knows, I think in her eyes someone else out there is but that’s probably her own illusion. If she does find someone else the same thing will happen, she will view everything through her lens of trauma as you said. Maybe not at first but eventually.
Maybe I am blaming myself a bit but it doesn’t feel like I am. However, I do know that I didn’t deserve it. I deserved someone who would stick by me and let me in too support them, even as a friend. I am doing my best to cleanse myself of these “what ifs”.
Glad that I am not crazy by doing that behavior. Both you and my psych reassured me that now. Being the abandoned party sucks but I will grow so much from this experience. Whoever it is in the future I will be a lot more vigilant and hesitant, not saying I will completely put my walls up. I think they will go down eventually as I tend to let people in very easily, I’m an honest open person.
I think the most difficult thing for me right now is because she is away, I am still in limbo. She may not know she received a letter and poem, unless her sister who was home when I dropped it off has told her. So its almost like I’m eagerly anticipating that she will get home and read the poem and reach out to me in someway. A part of me really hopes she does but a part of me also thinks maybe it’s best she doesn’t. Either way I’m trying to move on because I understand she may be cold about it and not message me and I know I need to let go for now, I cant wait around. I believe for now she doesn’t see it working but I can only assume.
I think you’re points are fantastic, I think I am being harsh on myself and not kind enough. Not necessarily blaming me and feeling guilty for what happened.
Thanks again Tee!
March 17, 2023 at 3:28 am #416368TeeParticipantHi Adam,
really glad I could help! I am not a mental health professional, but I do have some training in mental health topics and personal development. So I am not completely clueless when it comes to human psyche 🙂
I do feel completely rejected as a person, maybe that’s what leads me to thinking some of these negative thoughts about my own character despite knowing I am caring and loving deep down.
I’ve got to ask: is this feeling of being rejected as a person familiar to you? Has it happened before?
I am definitely feeling different about things today and I’m not under the illusion of I could’ve done things differently as much anymore, I pull myself up on it whenever I have that thought.
That’s great! It’s good to hear you can stop yourself from berating yourself and blaming yourself…
Her trauma and mental health is the reason too why she left in my eyes. I think everyone agrees.
Yes, you’re right, it’s definitely not your fault.
I don’t believe someone would be more worthy than me but maybe more compatible?
Well, maybe, who knows… But you don’t want to be with someone who is not compatible with you, do you? And besides, two dysfunctional people can be “compatible” to each other and stay for decades in an dysfunctional marriage, but it’s not really what you’re aiming for, right? Your relationship could have easily become dysfunctional, with her bouncing in and out, and you trying to reassure her all the time… but then it would be a codependent relationship, with you being codependent on her.
Maybe I am blaming myself a bit but it doesn’t feel like I am. However, I do know that I didn’t deserve it. I deserved someone who would stick by me and let me in too support them, even as a friend.
Well, not everyone can remain friends with their exes. So I don’t blame her if she can’t be friends with you (you still don’t know that, but let’s assume it turns out she can’t). So the fact that she can’t be friends with you – because too many emotions are involved – doesn’t mean that you are someone worthy of rejection. If you know what I mean? The fact that she can’t be friends with you doesn’t say anything about your character, your likeability or trustworthiness as a person. You are a great person, and a great friend, but maybe not for her, because she simply can’t be friends with her exes. Can you see that?
I am doing my best to cleanse myself of these “what ifs”.
Awesome! Accept that there was nothing more or different you could have done. You did your best.
Being the abandoned party sucks but I will grow so much from this experience. Whoever it is in the future I will be a lot more vigilant and hesitant, not saying I will completely put my walls up. I think they will go down eventually as I tend to let people in very easily, I’m an honest open person.
Yes, you’ll definitely grow from this experience and draw some lessons too. I think what you need to be aware of is your need to save people. You can’t save people with unresolved trauma, and if you try, you might end up in a dysfunctional relationship. And another lesson: the fact that you couldn’t save someone doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or that there is something wrong with you.
I think the most difficult thing for me right now is because she is away, I am still in limbo. She may not know she received a letter and poem, unless her sister who was home when I dropped it off has told her. So its almost like I’m eagerly anticipating that she will get home and read the poem and reach out to me in someway. A part of me really hopes she does but a part of me also thinks maybe it’s best she doesn’t.
Right.. it seems you’d still like her to reach out, even as a friend. But keep in mind that she might not be able to stay friends with you, because too many emotions are involved. So don’t let that determine how you feel about yourself…
I think you’re points are fantastic, I think I am being harsh on myself and not kind enough. Not necessarily blaming me and feeling guilty for what happened.
Thanks! Yeah, you are being somewhat harsh on yourself. Try to accept that it’s not your fault and that you’re a great person, even if things with her didn’t end the way you wanted.
March 17, 2023 at 4:07 am #416369AdamParticipantHey Tee,
Your doing gods work here! Yes I have been rejected a lot by girls I think, especially when I was younger. I was never confident with women growing up, but I am now. I’ve always had trouble reading peoples emotions and especially females, I know they are complex individuals. Aren’t we all? I never did well with the ladies in my mind until I was maybe 21 years old.
You are right with the the comment about being co-dependent but I do think we were compatible at the end of the day. The connection was there for sure. However maybe we weren’t compatible in what we were looking for in a relationship, due to her trauma.
These are both good lessons I think I should understand that I can’t save people it’s just hard for me because it is what I want to do! I want to help others. I know there isnt anything wrong with me or that I’m a bad person, just very persistent and honest.
I know I shouldn’t get my hopes up, again its probably just an illusion but I know over time I will get better and love myself again. I have high hopes for my future self. I think my main issue is just getting invested and attached, as I said I give most people my all if I feel the connection.
Eventually I think I will be okay. I am getting less and less harsh on myself as i get older!
March 17, 2023 at 8:36 am #416370TeeParticipantHi Adam,
thanks a lot, I really appreciate what you said!
I was never confident with women growing up, but I am now. I’ve always had trouble reading peoples emotions and especially females, I know they are complex individuals.
Again, I’ve got to ask about your childhood: how was your relationship with your mother (or other significant women in your life) while growing up? (if you don’t mind answering)
I am glad you’re now more confident around women!
I think I should understand that I can’t save people it’s just hard for me because it is what I want to do! I want to help others.
It’s a great quality – to want to help others. You could do that in the context of humanitarian work or any other arena, and I think it would be greatly appreciated. However, it seems you’re attracted to helping/saving your romantic partner, which is a very different dynamic. Saving the woman you love. It is often related to the dynamic in our childhood, where the child wants to “save” their overworked mother, for example. Sorry for bringing up your childhood again, but I wonder if such dynamic is familiar to you? (again, you don’t need to answer if you don’t feel comfortable)
You are right with the the comment about being co-dependent but I do think we were compatible at the end of the day. The connection was there for sure. However maybe we weren’t compatible in what we were looking for in a relationship, due to her trauma.
So compatibility (in terms of similar interests, values etc) was probably not the issue. Rather, it was her trauma that prevented her from having a healthy, committed relationship.
I think my main issue is just getting invested and attached, as I said I give most people my all if I feel the connection.
Yes, I think the problem might be that you get invested and attached to a certain type of women (those who are in need, and need to be “saved”), who might not be able to reciprocate your love. At least it was the case with this girl. I don’t know about your previous girlfriends – you said they too suffered from anxiety, but you had a different dynamic with them. It’s like you wanted to get away from them, whereas you wanted to stay with this girl.
I know over time I will get better and love myself again. I have high hopes for my future self.
That’s a great attitude! I too believe you can overcome the current obstacles and get out of this with greater knowledge of yourself, and also emotionally more resilient!
March 17, 2023 at 3:19 pm #416382AdamParticipantHey Tee,
My relationship with Mum was never negative. I use to feel like she didn’t love me at times when I was younger but it was like you said, I didn’t want to disappoint her and she was only wanting the best for me. Nowadays our relationship is great but it was never really bad or toxic.
I don’t remember trying to save people when I was younger, it could be I was trying to save myself through intimate partners? It did make me feel good knowing I have someone close in that sense.
She needed up messaging me. She said things along the lines of.
The fact that when I feel like that my thoughts are so fast and irrational my body can’t keep up with it. The fact that I’ll blame someone else and end up hurting them for no reason just because I let it out.
She says she feels too messed up that why would anyone want to be close by when she can try keep the peace by doing it herself. Conflicting thoughts again.
Talking about her own issues and she doesn’t want to do damage to others. She obviously cares for me but is she trying to make me pity her? I’m not sure. She does want me in her life and told me that talking to me matters a lot to her which is confusing. She is also confused.Yes this girl was never too much for me despite all her issues. Where as the others I wanted to get away from and didn’t really feel like helping. I was new to relationships and I think I wasn’t mature enough about them myself. So I saw it as too much and that we weren’t compatible.
March 17, 2023 at 11:19 pm #416383TeeParticipantHi Adam,
I use to feel like she didn’t love me at times when I was younger but it was like you said, I didn’t want to disappoint her and she was only wanting the best for me.
May I ask what she was doing (or not doing) that made you feel like she didn’t love you?
I don’t remember trying to save people when I was younger, it could be I was trying to save myself through intimate partners? It did make me feel good knowing I have someone close in that sense.
Okay, so the desire to save people only developed later, perhaps only with this girl?
Talking about her own issues and she doesn’t want to do damage to others. She obviously cares for me but is she trying to make me pity her? I’m not sure.
I don’t think she is looking for pity. I think she is telling you why she can’t really function in a relationship. Although if she isn’t willing to go to therapy and chooses to suffer alone, that would indicate a certain helplessness and victim mentality – like giving up on herself, thinking nothing will help.
She does want me in her life and told me that talking to me matters a lot to her which is confusing. She is also confused.
So if she gave up on herself but still wants you in your life to talk to her and cheer her up – it would be like having a depressed friend who needs someone to complain to, but doesn’t really want to do anything to help themselves. If she is like that, it would be like you trying to cheer her up, make her feel better, but eventually not succeeding because she doesn’t want to deal with her core issues, i.e. her trauma.
Yes this girl was never too much for me despite all her issues.
Based on her behavior, she does seem like a handful. But for some reason, you have a need to be around her and help her. Perhaps you need to feel helpful and needed, and that your help is appreciated? Whereas in your childhood, with your mother, your efforts were somehow not appreciated and nothing you did could make your mother happy? Just speculating here, please let me know if this is off track…
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